Monday, September 2, 2013

Some Days....

Days like today, I just want to quit. Hide. Run away, not deal with the reality of it all.

I get married in 12 (TWELVE!) days to my slave Shilo. It was not a rash decision, and even though our engagement has been short (by all standards) it was well thought out. YES, I LOVE HIM  ANDI HAVE NO DOUBTS ABOUT THIS. No "cold feet" here. Just a feeling that I've failed someplace.

Make that a feeling that I've failed everywhere. If anyone can say or do something to bring me to my knees, it's Shilo. He's an expert at it. He knows exactly what to say to rip me to shreds, and, the worst part is that he's often blissfully unaware that he's shredded me. Or, maybe he knows, but refuses to share that information.  Either way, it happens. Then there's Stitch. Dear, sweet Stitch, who's afraid I'm putting him out to pasture because of mean-spirited comments from someone who should mind their own business.

I'm really stuck in the middle. Polyamory can really suck sometimes. Especially when each one "thinks" the other gets more "face time" than the other.  Splitting hairs over silly things. Feeling they aren't "good enough" or that I no longer Love them. I waste (yes, waste) way too much time on reassuring people. Oh, did I mention that now child #4 is also feeling out of sorts? The whole situation sucks.

Now, I could sugar-coat all of this, and say how great things are, but I'd be lying, and I want this to be a "heads up" moment for anyone who reads this.  

READER BEWARE: There are people out there who will be jealous of your happy poly relationships, and they will say and/or do anything to tear it apart. Watch out for it, because it will happen.

So, where does this leave me? I feel like I've burned the candle at both ends with a slow burn in the middle.There's so much more to this, but I'm not ready to pour it all out here yet.

Today, now, I'm questioning myself. Wondering if I did something wrong, yet knowing that even if I did something wrong, it doesn't make me a failure. It makes me human. That's right! I'm human. Not perfect. Just a person like everyone else. So, for now, I'll put up with all the pouting from everyone. I'll Love then, reassure them, coddle them if needed, and give LOTS of kisses and cuddles. These are the people I chose, and I chose them for good reasons, and yes, they are entitled to bad, insecure days. Unfortunately, there will be times like this when everyone will fall apart at the same time! My job is to keep my head, and remember that I CHOSE THEM! My Love is enough, there's plenty to go around.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm not being Loved enough. In cases like that, I need to be open and honest, and express myself in a kind, considerate way. I need to stand up and be heard. I need to insist on "me time", get refreshed, and then get back to being a loving partner.

One last thing before I go: I know I've never mentioned it here, but I am very much in Love with a woman. I'll call her "Z". Why do I bring hr up now? Well, because she sent me a very sweet Love note today. Without knowing it, she gave me the refreshing I needed. She is why I wrote this, expressed myself, and didn't run away screaming.  The difference between her and Shilo is that she's been around for a while, and she understands that having a poly Partner(s) doesn't mean that any others are a threat, and that time, while it's important, isn't all there is. She knows that all it takes is a little time, a word or phrase to warm up that other person. She is quite adept at that, and we go WEEKS without any type of exchange, but she is secure in her place. The difference between her and Stitch is that she doesn't listen to others and instead chooses to listen to her heart. Finally, the difference between her and me? About 100 miles... and she doesn't allow herself to get distressed over things.

I'm not distressed by her or her other partners, because I know that our relationship is separate from the others. She has enough Love for ALL of us.  I think I'll go cook a large meal today :-)


  1. I'm feeling better now, but I'm not about to change it.

  2. First, I would do no emotional harm, intentionally... to anybody. Just not me.

    Do I 'know' how to rip you to shreds? No.

    Do I know that some things I say 'might' have an impact, but I really don't know, or at some emotional moment, I'm not paying attention to that possibility? Yes.

    I will never intentionally harm you. Just won't happen.

  3. I know you would NEVER rip me apart on purpose. It's just that I Love you so very much that I have become more attuned to you, so something that I could take easily from others, if you say it, it affects me. I allow myself to be vulnerable to you because I Love you. Just looking forward to the day we're sharing the same house.