Thursday, December 28, 2017

Processing (12-28-2017)

Don’t mind me. I’m just sitting here at my desk thinking about recent events. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about things, only… 
Well, only in this particular case, there are others who have asked about my feelings, and even some who are concerned enough to want to reassure me. Between you, (the reader) me, and the lamppost, I’m glad for the reassurances even though I don’t need them. It proves to me that I really am cared for, and that my feelings (mostly positive, as opposed to negative, but undecided) matter. Having my feelings matter is important, and a very big thing for me.

I won’t lie: Yesterday, there was a (very) brief moment where a voice told me that I didn’t have a choice in the matter, and that might be true in a way, but what it didn’t say (and never says) is that I’m not any less important just because of the changes. I know where I stand. I know my place, I know my history, and I recognize my importance. What makes all this (my feelings and the events) funny is that I’ve had this conversation with both Stitch and Shilo at one point or another, regarding them and their status with me. The tables have turned a bit. The only difference is that I’m not left wondering why I can’t be “enough” because I know that reason. I have also known for a long time that something like this was going to happen eventually.

“Just coffee, “Just a meeting,” “Just a play date,” “Maybe a sub,” “WOW!” I’m familiar with those phrases. I’m also familiar with “How do you feel about,” “Do you like,” and “I’m thinking about.” I’ve always voiced my opinion since my meltdown in June of this year. It was very “unlike me” to do that, but I was also taken seriously because I’ve never done that before, and I probably will never do it again. It was that meltdown that opened the door to the phrases I mentioned earlier in this paragraph.

A few weeks ago, I was given the “How do you feel about” in reference to more than one person for various reasons. I replied positively about most, but I also expressed some unease about a situation and gave various reasons why, including that I hate to see or hear about someone I love getting disappointed by something or someone. I have reserved the right to say “I told you so” in those matters, but instead I usually get “You were right” and that makes me feel good.

I’m glad I wrote about this. I feel more clear-headed about things now. If someone were to ask me about my feelings, I’d say that I’m okay. I don’t want or need reassurances right now, but if that changes, I promise I’ll say something.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Poly Christmas Thoughts (12-24-2017)

Woke up 4AM couldn't sleep, so here I am. I know it's Christmas Eve, but since Shilo works on Christmas, I'm making Christmas dinner tonight (heaven knows how I'll do it next year!)

Anyway, Christmas dinner tonight, Christmas breakfast tomorrow on Christmas day. My son Babyman is with me, and he'll visit his dad's side of the family with Jonathan (who is feeling better) tomorrow. (Thank you for the prayers)

In the meantime, I've been trying (to no avail) to remember Mom's recipe for Christmas pork, and I even bought the pork and wine yesterday. I've made it a few times over the years when she was alive, and I even made it my first Christmas after marrying Shilo 4 years ago.

I finally went online this morning (since I couldn't sleep) and found a variation of it that was close enough to the original that I've remembered Mom's recipe (gotta buy GARLIC!!!) so I'm really looking forward to eating it with scrambled eggs and orange rolls on Christmas morning. I'm also trying a new (to me) recipe for ham that you make in the crockpot today for dinner. If you're curious, I'm making chili with Stitch on Christmas Day for dinner.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to ALL! Remember, it's not the date on the calendar that counts, it's the spirit in how you celebrate it!

Monday, December 18, 2017

Mister Temperamental

Mister Temperamental is just that. Temperamental.

Mister Temperamental holds things in.

Mister Temperamental becomes sullen when he is angry.

Mister Temperamental holds grudges.

Mister Temperamental wants what he wants when he wants it.

Mister Temperamental probably thinks this is about him.

Mister Temperamental misunderstands things and blows up.

Mister Temperamental can be a know-it-all.

Mister Temperamental can be sweet and loving when he isn't temperamental.

Mister Temperamental unintentionally burns bridges.

Mister Temperamental is really insecure.

Mister Temperamental is NOT a bad person.

Mister Temperamental is unhappy, but he's not sure why.

Mister Temperamental wants everyone else to be miserable as well.

Mister Temperamental has many wonderful qualities that others can't see.

Mister Temperamental is sometimes offensive.

Mister Temperamental will defend the honor of those he Loves.

Mister Temperamental isn't one person, he is many, and some are a she.

Mister Temperamental is ALL of us at one time or another.

How many of you see yourself in this?

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Can't Do It

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and normally, I get through it with lots of fluids, plenty of rest, and what my former Therapist (Peter Pan)  called my "secret weapon." A really great antidepressant that has minimal side effects.  Unfortunately, it's not working as well as I hoped this month, and I'm not feeling anywhere close to my best. Add that Shilo is fighting his own demons, and it multiplies.

It's making for a less-than-happy December, and if you add that December 21 will make 5 years since my Mother died unexpectedly, I'm beginning to wonder if I will get through this month without becoming a sobbing incoherent mess that hides in bed all day and night.

I'm not incapable of happy moments, and I never completely give up. After all, as the saying goes: "The Show Must Go On," and I will do my very best to do so. It's just that it's becoming a bigger and bigger struggle to do it, and I sometimes worry that it will overtake me.  The good news is that as long as I struggle and worry about it, my mental health is okay. It's when I completely give up and give in that things become dangerous. I have never given up. I just have to muddle through this the best I know how.

I am very fortunate and thankful to have Shilo and Stitch by my side, and Donna as my support animal. She really does help, even though sometimes I wish she would give me more space.
  (Donna in space)

Maybe I need a pleasant distraction. Maybe I have too much time on my hands, and finding something to do for someone else will help. Anyway, I'm up for suggestions.

Thank you for reading this.