Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Up, up and away I go!

I am preparing to go on what is my biggest business trip of the year, a week long convention in Illinois. I will be attending this without Shilo or Stitch as a travel companion. Yes, my friends, I will be doing this ALONE! Well, not really... A very close friend of mine, who also needs to be there, will be on the planes with me. Still, it's not the same as having Shilo by my side, but I also cannot afford another plane ticket, or to leave Stitch alone for a week. Logic wins out on this one.

In spite of having everything in place, I am stressed out over all the preparations yet to be done, including purchasing at least two regular dresses, and making phone calls and sending emails to about 400 people in the next 2 days. All this seems so insurmountable that I just want to hide. Being depressed and afraid is NOT the way to go, but it looks like I'm going that way whether I want to or not. I want reassurances and cuddles, but I'm so stressed out that I cannot form the words necessary for me to get what I so badly need. Even as I write this, I know that Shilo will see the word 'need' and think to himself "She doesn't need this, she just  wants it." Still, I feel a need for emotional support because of all the things going on around me.

In other news, I made the scheduling arrangements necessary for me to be away for a little over a week. I plan on taking extra time away from work when I return so I can spend it with Shilo and Stitch. Mostly Shilo, because it will be the first time I will have been away from him for more than 4 days in a row since we started seeing each other. I plan on using those extra days after my return to reconnect with him. I feel it's very important for me personally to stay connected to my partners. I've spent a lot of time 'imprinting' myself to Shilo and my efforts have paid off. The success gives me a very large emotional challenge. By succeeding, I've made myself so emotionally attached that to be away from him truly causes me pain. This does not mean I regret it, rather, it means that I have learned how strongly imprinting can affect somebody, specifically me. Sometimes, you just have to pay the price (inside joke/pun intended) anyway, as stated before, my success came with a cost.

I will do my best to not become an emotional wreck because of this. I will trust that all will go well, and that when all is said and done, this temporary separation will make both of us stronger.

Saturday, April 26, 2014


For those of you paying attention, on Tuesday,  April 22nd, I addressed some reasons/ questions  Shilo wrote about why he doesn't feel like he's really married to me. For some, I gave answers, for others, I gave solutions. Anyway, I was able to deal partially with issue #2 and the results were interesting.

I was getting ready for a weekend church business trip, and my ride arrived early. As I wandered about the house getting myself together, I decided that my two friends who I was traveling with were the perfect people to start with. Fortunately, they took the news well and even joked about it. That was in front of Shilo. Once we got in the car and were on our way, the questions started. I reiterated that no, I am not cheating on Stitch,  and yes, Stitch will still be around. However, when they asked about brother-husbands, I had to laugh and dismiss the idea. There's no need in adding confusion and explaining polyamory.  I had several uncomfortable moments while they questioned me, but they also advised me to not to tell certain people for fear of an unneeded scandal. I'm taking their advice for now, simply because it's why I kept our marriage secret in the first place. I realize that Shilo might not like the idea, but until I can figure out a completely workable solution, I'm just going to do this on an individual basis. It's the polyamory I'm trying to hide, not Shilo.

Other than the above, the trip has been uneventful (thank goodness!) and I am enjoying time with the church ladies. I expect to be home Sunday night. Farewell for now!)

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

9 Questions and answers

Recently, Shilo has stated that he feels like he’s not really married to me, and I was more than a little surprised about that comment. In an effort to try and understand why and how, I asked him to tell me exactly why he felt that way, and he presented me with 9 reasons on his various blogs last night/this morning. I am now presenting them to him (and any readers) with my answers. He explained to me this morning that he didn’t really need solutions, but I have given a few anyway.

1.  She talks...gripes...complains... jokes... to me about Her ex-husband,. Stitch, who still lives with us, and with whom She shares time....   in a way that really makes me feel like, She is still HIS wife, and I am ... Her lover ... and She uses me as Her sounding board , to talk about Her problems with him.

A: You knew he would be around. You agreed to it. Who is there (really) that I can talk to? It goes both ways. (I complain/talk to Stitch about you too)

2.  Consider all the possible groups and sub groups, starting with
     MY  family .... friends ....  co-workers ....   church friends       and
     HIS  family ..... friends ...   co-workers ...    church friends?    and
     HER  family .... friends ...   co-workers?      Church friends
     Having made that list ...  start checking them off,  by  who knows that She and I are married, and who believes that She and Stitch are (still) married. I do believe that everybody (almost..?) within our circle of  ... um.... "non vanilla" friends know that She and I are married, and that's just fine and dandy,   but I'm just thinking about the vanilla-esque circle,  and the aggravation I feel in the pit of my stomach when we attend Her church socials, and I am introduced as Her (gay!) care giver.

A: Everyone (that counts) in my family knows. The boys know. My San Bernardino family and friends know. I have very few people I call “friend” and they know you and I are married. My church friends? Well, most of them don’t yet know (and you know why) and I no longer introduce Stitch as my husband. I have no co-workers to speak of. His family consists of the boys (discussed above) His mother has severe dementia, so no reason to upset her. His friends and co-workers don’t need to know. We agreed in the beginning (BEFORE we got romantically involved) that we would use the caregiver story to avoid raising eyebrows. As far as I know, your people know about us being married. That is all that counts. My solution is that I will announce our marriage once I’ve returned from the business trip if that is really what you want. It’s the polyamory that I’m trying to avoid discussing. Also Stitch doesn’t want people to think he’s “available”.

3. On the evenings that we are home...
    She spends most of the evening in Stitch's room... because that's where Her computer is.... while I spend the evening in my room...
  Until such a time as She decides to come join me in bed.

A: We could move my computer in the dining room/living room area, since it looks like Sunshine isn’t getting her room.

 4. She never misses an opportunity to call the house, HER HOUSE, and to call the beds, in Stitch's room and in my room, HER BEDS.
 It makes me think, I'm just a boarder there.

A: I put $35,000 (a HUGE chunk of MY inheritance) in purchasing the house, not including the money I spent in fixing up the house. So, yes, I consider it to be mine. When it comes time for us to actually register as the owner(s) I want it in all 3 of our names. I purposely purchased both beds, so no matter who I am sleeping with, I’m sleeping in my bed (polyamory strikes again!)

5.  Secrets, as in Hers.
     She might have only one,  She might have a thousand and one.
     Whenever a conversation we are having starts to zero in on some secret,  She stops the conversation and says, 'A girl has to have SOME secrets...Really? From Her husband?

A: I’m really not sure you want to know all the sordid details of my life. There are some things I’ve done that I’m not exactly proud of. As far as I’m concerned, you know the important stuff, and you know quite a few things that Stitch doesn’t know. And I feel that, yes, some things are better off not being revealed. To anyone. EVER! Add to it that my memory about some things sucks, so quite a bit has to do with not remembering details.

6.  Our finances ...Hers, mine, even Stitches...  while we don't exactly keep it all a secret from each other, we don't intermingle them either.
   Stitch and I make payments to Her for house payment and household bills, ... it's another procedure that I'm a renter or a boarder.

A: We discussed this in the beginning, and both you and Stitch decided it was better that I be responsible for paying the bills. We both know that Stitch is irresponsible with money, and you said you trusted me to pay the bills (which I do, on time, and in full) If you want a 3 way account, we can do so. It doesn’t really matter to me. 

7. She has not, and says She will not, take my last name for Her own.   
   She still keeps the name of Her second husband.  

A: I wanted to keep the same last name as my children to avoid confusion. I also have a (now expired) professional license, and I didn’t want to go through the hassle of a name change. It requires a court order (FEE: $435) and Notification of ALL my creditors etc. Just not worth it IMHO.

8.  The three of us wear matching silver wedding bands, AND She still wears the gold band from Her marriage to Stitch.

A: I wear the gold band on my right hand. It is very special to me. You wear your LOTR ring on your right hand, and Stitch wears his gold band on his left hand over the silver band. I may not be married to him, but we do have a commitment. (Polyamory)

9.  Growing up.... what I saw of married life, was ... the man went to work in the morning, and returned in the evening, five days a week, off on holidays and weekends.
   And that's how I learned to expect and perceive it.
   NOW, for us:   Stitch goes to work in the morning, and returns in the evening... is off on holidays and weekends.
   MY work schedule is ... all over the map: I currently work half a day on Sundays, and three overnights...  and, um, etc.
 On Mondays and Tuesdays, She is still asleep when I get home.
  On Mondays and Tuesdays, She is sitting at Her computer ...while Stitch is prone on the bed, watching t.v.  ... when I got to work.
  It gives me the feeling that THEY are married, and I'm the roommate or boarder, just saying 'see ya later' as I go to work.

A: I can’t “fix” your schedule, but I do try to be with you when you leave for work. As for the computer, I offered a suggestion (above, answer #3) but I can’t do much else.

So, as you can see, it’s not really my marriage to Shilo that I’m hiding, as much as it is the polyamory. I’ve provided a viable solution for the computer issue, and expressed my feelings about finances and name changes with reasonable (to me) explanations. I’m sure I will get feedback on all of this, and while we might have issues in the future and further questions, I feel content in knowing why Shilo feels how he feels, and that we can work together to solve the problems/issues that came up.

Sunday, April 6, 2014


Things are better. Not perfect, but better. My doubts have mostly left, and the unpleasantness with both Shilo and Stitch have improved. My ten year anniversary with Stitch (as a Partner/Lover) is almost here. I've known him for 15 years. My one year anniversary of meeting Shilo recently passed, as did our six month wedding anniversary. I'm glad we all talk through things, that Stitch is such a good comforter when things get out of control and that Shilo is such a fast learner. There is still much to do, but it appears the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train.

Life often gets in the way of plans, and so it's been that way for my Household. My FINAL travel plans as an International Officer in the women's group I belong to is set, and my term is nearly over. Only one month and two days until I go back to being just me. Yes, I'm going in as President in my local chapter, and I will most likely remain the president of the Southern California region, but my term as Representative in Southern California will be over. It's been a great experience, but it's also restricted my kink activities some, and I just want to be able to be less closeted. Okay, I do have a few close friends in my women's group that know who I am and what I do, and they know that Shilo is more than just a caregiver, but to be revealed would no doubt mean that I would lose my position, and if that happened, there wouldn't be enough people to continue the group that I Love so very much.

Shilo has stopped smoking, this time for good (thank you Chantix) and I'm very proud of him. We decided that a domestic submissive would be nice, so I have been meeting with a few of them. Unfortunately, there hasn't been a single one that has impressed either of us, so the search continues.In case a reader is wondering, no, we have not put out an ad. Instead, we have decided to just look through profiles at collar me (gasp!) and wait for them to actually pursue my attention. Naturally, we've also told a few select friends about our desires, knowing that they would spread the word, but the results are a bit underwhelming. There is no big rush on this, but we might actually wind up putting out an ad eventually. Maybe upon my return in mid May.

Stitch has been busy with work, and kind of quiet, which really is not that unusual for him.This is his "long" week with me, so I hope I'm feeling healthy soon. Not feeling well really puts a damper on our physical activity, and I've been feeling sick for 4 days with no end in sight. Stitch's ability to be patient with me when I'm feeling horrible is a wonderful thing. I know I can be difficult, but he's always there, ready to hug me or hold me until I feel better. If hugs kept me healthy, I'd never be sick. Anyway, it's going to be a very busy week for me, so I need to get better.