Friday, November 22, 2013

Digging A Hole

I've not said anything to Stitch about Shilo. I just told him Shilo was feeling out of sorts, so I'll be sleeping in bed with Stitch instead. It's not really his business, anyway, and if Shilo wants Stitch to know, he can tell him himself. I don't think it's a good idea to tell Stitch that Shilo wants alone time right now.

I don't expect anyone to understand me, but I'll try to explain. All my relationships are based on trust. If you violate that trust by being dishonest, my trust in you will naturally decrease. I need to feel that the people I choose to have near me are people that I feel will be honest with me. I will forgive, but I'm not likely to forget, if only so I don't repeat the same mistake. So... where does this bring me?  If a person violates my trust, I'll be less likely to trust that person as much.  This even applies to people I Love. I don't Love them any less, but I also will be more guarded with them. I haven't ever (to my knowledge) completely lost my trust in anyone unless they have caused me physical or severe emotional harm. I can count those people on one hand. Being defensive when you violate my trust does not make me feel bad, instead, it causes me to be less empathetic.

I realize that by writing and posting this, I put myself at risk of digging my own grave, but I refuse to give up without a fight. Earning the trust back that I lost in you isn't easy, but it's a gradual thing, and it's no reason to do even more things to pull away my trust.

I'm giving all I can, and I'll give as much space as is needed, but at the end of the day, it's still "us" and not just "me" or "you." I cannot apologize for my justifiable actions, but if I am wrong, I will apologize. This is merely an explanation, not an accusation.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

On Calling Bullshit

Calling Bullshit is not one of my better skills. That's not to say I don't know it when I see or hear it, but it's more that I'd rather have the person tossing Bullshit at me think that I'm buying into it. It's just easier than arguing it.

Unfortunately, sometimes I have no choice, and I must call Bullshit. This has happened quite often recently, and, while I hate doing it, I see it as my job to do it, because even though I'm a fool in Love, I'm no fool, and just because I Love you doesn't mean I'll tolerate your Bullshit.

I will fight for you, defend you, even cover your ass if I have to, but please understand that I will also rip you a new one if you continue on your road to destruction by giving me flimsy excuses.

I consider it my job, my responsibility to care for you, defend you, Love you and guide you. You signed up for this, as did I, and I will not allow you to self-destruct. Yes, you will need to earn my trust back, but you will also learn that you are worth it to me.


It's not been the easiest 11 months of my life. Sometimes, I still feel so very lost, and I am left wondering how I've even managed to get this far. Still, as much as I miss my mother, and I'm reduced to tears sometimes, I can't help but be grateful for the people who have been there for me, and the new friends who have enriched my life so much, including (and especially) Shilo.

Each day. each hour, brings me closer to the one year mark. My first Thanksgiving without mom is a week away, and Christmas? It'll be my second. I still occasionally fall apart in the produce department, and now that the Winter Holidays are nearly here, I see constant reminders of my mom. The chocolate covered liqueur cherries, the panettone, the brussels sprouts on the stalk, hams and turkeys, the fresh yams and marshmallows and eggnog. As much as mom bitched about the holidays, she enjoyed the grocery shopping, the selecting and buying the "just right" items. We'd go shopping about 3 or 4 days before Thanksgiving, and battle everyone else to find just the right turkey. As it's gotten closer, I've debated how to handle it. The shopping, I mean.There's never been a doubt in my mind that I'd prepare a Thanksgiving dinner, after all, I've done it for years, and I have so much to be grateful for. My only "problem" has been in wrapping my head around the shopping, because of memories of doing it with mom. I know (hope) that one day, I'll feel nostalgic, but, for now, I only feel intense emotional pain.  

Without even realizing it, Shilo gave me an "out" by sending me grocery shopping for the household. I was supposed to go Tuesday night, but I fell asleep, so I wound up waking very early Wednesday morning (5:30AM) and I hit the nearly-empty grocery store just after it opened. Since there wasn't even a crowd of people, I was able to shop, and even pick out the turkey without dealing with the normal holiday crowd. Naturally, there's more stuff I need to buy, but I'm sure that Shilo will go with me over the weekend, and we can get the staples and dessert then. He's actually been very helpful as far as my emotional outbursts, because he never met my mother, so he is able to soothe away my pain. In my previous post it might have seemed that I wrote that he lacks compassion, but that is not the case. It's more that he can occasionally (frequently) be insensitive to my needs as a woman, as his wife, and that expressing sadness is hard for him, and he will step on my feelings without even realizing he's done so. If I am sad or crying, he tries really hard to comfort me or Sunshine. He will just have to be mindful of my needs.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

His Desires

This was intended for my private (blogger) journal only, and not FetLife, but I decided that this needs a (slightly) bigger audience. This requires that I give a (not so) brief explanation. If you want, skip to the next paragraph. I was in a polyamorous relationship with my ex-husband, Stitch, when I first saw Shilo in late March. At that point, he was still D---- and it was his very first time at my favorite dungeon, and he was there to meet someone. He caught my attention that night, and I wasn't looking. He was kind of pretty with his long blonde hair, and he was obviously feeling out of place, but I had other things planned that night, so I went on with my play date, and occasionally saw him sitting near the back. I caught a glimpse of the chastity device he was wearing, and that further caught my attention. The next day, I found a post by him on one of the groups I belong to, and when I read it and his profile, I sent him a short note. I had already decided that he needed encouragement to go to public play parties, and that I could be friendly towards him, but that I would not play with him, because he was a smoker. To say I detest cigarettes is an understatement. My sincere hope was that he'd keep coming around, and that he would find someone nice to play with. We kept up with back and forth messaging, and, whenever I saw him, I'd greet him with a hug, and briefly speak to him. I could tell by our interactions that he was not very successful in actually meeting anyone that was even remotely interested in playing with him beyond just one time, and I could tell by his pictures that he was a heavy bottom. I also noticed that whenever I saw him and got near him that he didn't smell like a heavy cigarette smoker, so I took my chances, and invited him to join me at a party and play with me. I figured I needed a reliable play partner, and he needed someone to play with too. I told him we'd start off with a short session, and if he managed to entertain me, we'd go longer, and if I was happy at the end of the night, I'd play with him at every party. Well, he proved himself well, and at the end of the night, I invited him to join us for a late night snack, thinking (hoping) he would refuse. I mean, it's one thing to play at a dungeon, but completely different to actually have to talk to them. I recall apologizing profusely to Stitch, and him reassuring me that it would be okay. Stitch was right. It was okay, and I realized that he was okay. We even set up another date, and in September, I married Shilo. We are now a happy poly family.

Most of us are full of desires, and not all of them are easy, but I want to share Shilo's desires right now, because they are so simple, and yet, they are also difficult. The items I'll be explaining might seem like Shilo is a "do-me" slave, but he is not. Most of the desires listed were more of a self-improvement nature, and if I could help him become a better man, why not give a guiding hand in making these things happen? Shilo's first desire was to find someone, preferably a woman, who would Dominate him, and discipline him, and give him spankings on a regular basis. I came along, and that desire was fulfilled. He would obsessively masturbate (the reason he had on the chastity device when I first saw him) so he asked for guidance/help to stop. I gave him the help he needed with that. He also desired a BDSM contract, but he felt my initial one wasn't restrictive enough, so I gave him a very restrictive slave contract. I realized that his desire for more restrictions had to do with a fear of being dumped by me, and he needed a sense of "permanency" so I gave it to him. Later, when he realized/admitted to me that he was in Love with me (something neither of us expected) he decided that he wanted to quit smoking. I stated restricting his daily cigarette intake, and he used e-cigs to help with the nicotine. It was the smell and effect of the cigarettes on the lungs that he was concerned with. He wanted to straighten out his living area. That was a difficult task, but us getting married and moving to a house pretty well fixed that. Those were her biggest desires, the ones that seemed so hard, and yet, with lots of encouragement and Love, he was successful in meeting those desires and goals. Yes, he briefly backslid on two of those things, but he is back on track now.

But now comes two of his more simple desires. One was to have a "strict wife" that would use domestic discipline and lock him in chastity for her enjoyment. I wasn't sure if I was up for all it entailed, but I'm discovering that it is something I'm enjoying more as time goes on. I think he occasionally gets the understanding of "Be careful what you you wish for" He often resists, but I know that deep inside, he is very happy with it. The other desire, the one I think he desires most is to actually cry during a discipline session. It's easy for most people, but not Shilo. I really couldn't figure out why. I mean, we've had some really intense sessions, and yet, not a tear has been shed. Nothing I did caused more than a grunt, groan or gasp. It was frustrating for me, because I was able to help with all those difficult, almost insurmountable things, and I couldn't get this grown man to cry? I'm not bragging, but getting grown men to cry was easy. Effortless, even, but not Shilo. Recently, however, a light went on, and now I understand. I'm sharing this, because it might help someone else. Over the past two weeks, we have had some problems. Ugly problems. The kind of stuff that will tear apart even the best relationships. Only... well, only I have a really strict moral code, and I rarely make promises. By that, I mean, I'm not likely to say, "I promise (whatever)" I just don't do it because a promise is a HUGE thing for me. Well, I promised Shilo that I wouldn't just give up on him. I promised that I'd try to work things out with him no matter what happened, and that leaving was not an option. Like I said, things had gotten ugly, and I was at the end of my emotional rope. I had given everything and it wasn't good enough. He was unable (unwilling?) to see that he had ripped me open and gutted me, and that I needed some compassion. I'm human, and I need Love too. It was at that point, where I was sobbing, that the light went on. He is unable to truly empathize with others when it comes to sorrow or sadness. Love? He has it down pat, but emotional pain? It's blocked. I finally realized why, and it's a very personal reason, but he associated it with a weakness, and he essentially built a wall around himself. He "shuts down" and is unable to feel, and I finally saw his insensitivity to my pain, even after I explained it to him. I could see that he was trying so very hard to understand, but he had no reference point. I remembered a conversation I had with his mom when we visited his parents last week, and I finally understood why. Now comes the hard part. I confronted him. Not in an accusing way, but in a compassionate way. I told him what he needed to hear. He's not going to cry. Not until he learns that it's okay to feel sadness, sorrow and anguish and that expressing it is not a sign of weakness, but strength. Only he can open those floodgates, but he needs to be aware that it's okay to do so. For now though, I will wait patiently.

Friday, November 15, 2013


Kind of like an AHA! Oh is less enthusiastic appearing, as it rarely has an accompanying exclamation point after it, yet it is still a reaction to a discovery. Aha! is when you find out you were correct, Oh is when you discover something you didn't know or expect. Then there's Oh? as in, Really? tell me more... That could be good or bad, depending...

Lately, my discoveries have been more Oh than Aha. I'm okay on the surface, and I've chosen to remain very superficial instead of digging deep because I don't like those deep thoughts and feelings. I get the feeling that a 'purge' is necessary, because holding in all that negativity is bad for me.

I'm not unhappy, it's more that I'm not exactly happy with all these Oh moments. It's been over a week now, and I'm still upset (sad, not mad) about discovering cigarettes in Shilo's car. That was an Oh moment. I've always made a point to put my feelings out there for Shilo, and, thanks to Sunshine, secrets rarely stay secret long. It brings me back to my previous post about there being no one-size-fits-all guide for having a slave, or a husband, or a wife, or a child, or a boss or employee, or even a friend. Face it: Human interaction is a very tricky thing. We get hurt or angry, or sad or confused, or any other negative emotion, and we try to muddle our way through it, or we shut down, or we become passive-aggressive, or just outright lie about it. Sometimes, it's easier than just blurting out "I feel (emotion) because of (whatever was said or done)" The question that remains in my mind is how long am I going to feel like this, and why should I turn into a broken record?

The most important emotion right now is Love.  So, what do I or can I say?  Maybe I should say:  I Love you Shilo, and yes, I'm still feeling hurt and more than a little insecure right now, and I want to feel secure, but it's hard because you not only chose to defy me, but you also lied about it, and yes, I know you were severely punished for it, but my pain about it is still there, and I know you apologized but I still feel so very hurt and betrayed, and I can't help how I feel...? 

Do I rip open my chest and pour out my heart? Do I expose my vulnerability, make myself weak before him? Do I tell him that my Love for him makes me unable to stay angry, but afraid of him hurting me? Do I tell him he's able to hurt me so easily because I Love him so very much and all I want to do is be a source of happiness and joy for him, so when he's anything other than that, I feel like a failure? Do I tell him he can tear me apart with just a few words? What the fuck do I do? Does this change our dynamic? Does this make him less of a slave? Does this make me less of a Dominant?

DAMMIT! I WANT ANSWERS!!! I deserve answers. But there's no guidebook, no one-size-fits-all answers for this, and the only people who can figure this out is us, and the answers of today may not be the same tomorrow or next week.

I guess I will mull over this... click "Publish" and try to work my way through this.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

The Care And Feeding Of A Slave

Congratulations! You have a brand new slave! Or... maybe an older one, or maybe one with a little or a lot of experience. At any rate, you now have a a slave. So, now what? This handy dandy guide will tell you all you need to know.

Wouldn't it be nice (great, wonderful) to have one of those? Unfortunately, it doesn't really exist, and my life experience tells me that we're all different with different needs. Still, it would be helpful. Imagine knowing a slave's real temperament before you allow them into your life.Wouldn't that be nice?  Because, face it: In any relationship, especially the beginning, we all try our best to show our good side. Well, there are exceptions, but I think we all have our public persona and our private one. I also think that once we are comfortable with someone, we are more likely to 'let loose.' I know that it wasn't until just recently that Shilo saw me on a bad day. It wasn't because I was hiding it from him, it was because they are a rare occurrence, and, even though I told him about them, he wasn't really prepared when it happened. Was it his fault? No... Was it my fault? Not really... I mean, I couldn't have predicted the reaction I had. Either way, now he knows. The same goes for me. Shilo has said and done things that I've been at a loss to deal with. I could have lived apart from him for several years and not known some of these things. It was only because we live in the same house that I found out. BUT... It's okay. I Love him and accept him just as he is. The things he does, the way he is, is uniquely him, and I am uniquely me.

So, even though I don't have a guidebook, or a way of predicting all his behavior, I do understand Shilo, and, when I'm befuddled by him, all I can do is ask or wait for an answer. I try to pay attention to his many desires. I talk to him, I LOVE him, even when I'm hurt or (on very rare occasions) angry. I try to see things from his point of view. I give as much affection as I can. I call "Bullshit" when necessary, and I remind him that this is the path he chose, and that he wasn't forced or coerced into it. I use behavior modification to help him with stumbling-blocks, and I am his cheerleader. I shower him with all the affection I can muster, and I also pepper him with the occasional frustrated, not-so-nice thoughts I am having regarding him. I put up with the stubbornness, and I give him the discipline he desires, and, on very rare occasion, I punish him (only twice so far) because he needs and deserves it.

My journey is not your journey, and my ways are not your ways. I can be a very severe Mistress when needed, but I am also open-hearted and kind, and I do my best to not hand out more than a person can take. Shilo? He will tell you himself that I am not cruel or abusive to him. He enjoys (longs for) the beatings I give him, and, other than the punishments, I've never pushed him too far. I know him, his body, his reactions. I will never intentionally cause him harm. The only thing I'm learning now is his mind, his thought processes, and what and why and how he acts the way he does when he does.  The learning curve... His predictable unpredictability. I Love him, this man, my slave, my lover, my husband. If I wrote a guide, all it would say is "Love your slave, the rest will work out."

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

House Rules

House Rules???!!! Yes... House Rules!

Let's go back a bit... After 9+ years of being with Stitch, I married my slave of only a few months, Shilo, in September. We "officially" moved into a house that I purchased on October 1st. One thing briefly discussed was "House Rules" because we all knew there would be adjustments, and face it: Shilo likes guidelines and order of some sort, and I can occasionally be a control freak. Ours is a match made in Heaven (or hell, depending on your perspective) So, it was discussed and tabled, other than the fact that we decided that a c/o (clothing optional) would make things easier. Mostly because I hate clothing (unless I'm cold) and Sunshine detests getting dressed. That decided, we all went our own ways. If course, we encountered a few (more than a few) instances where things would happen, and I'd have to figure out how to deal with them, or perhaps I'd get used to things being as certain way, and then someone would change things up, much to my disappointment. If I like something, or how it's done, I might say I like it the first go round, but I figure that is enough. Stitch needs constant positive reinforcement, and Shilo has a mind of his own. Neither attribute is bad, but it can often cause confusion. So, once again, House Rules have come up. Also, in light of some of the events of the weekend, General Rules, or at least a list, has come up.

I'm a lazy perfectionist, meaning that if I feel I can't accomplish a task, I won't try it. Fear of failure? Yeah, a little bit. But I can also be stubborn, and expect things to just be the way I want it. What's a girl to do? Make up written rules. A list of sorts... Fortunately, Shilo is obsessive with lists and note-taking, so I can have him handle most of those things. All I have to do is make them and write them down, or just tell him, and Shilo will organize them into whatever category they belong to. Some of them will just be repeats of my desires. I will occasionally have a blog entry titled "House Rules" with a list of whatever rules I think are needed.Shilo will be responsible for categorizing them and putting them into a blog .


 All household members will wear underwear that covers their bottoms when going to bed. Sexual activity is the exception to this rule.

On mornings after work, Shilo will only come into my presence after he has showered, and present himself naked, and ask for permission to enter my bed.

Sunshine will be treated like an innocent child at all times. Nudity is allowed, but no sexual activity will be allowed. She is to let both Shilo and/or Stitch
 know when she is "out" and not try to trick them into thinking she is me. Any inappropriate behavior by Shilo or Stitch in her presence will result in disciplinary action.

My health (physical/mental) will not be shared with anyone outside the Polycule/Pack without my express permission. Emails to family members about my health will be discussed before hitting SEND

Sunshine is to be protected at all times. You will not tell others about her without her or my permission. It should be either my decision or hers if we want others to know about her/us. To do otherwise causes her great distress.

Shilo will always be naked (socks optional) for beatings, discipline and/or punishment.

Any public profile relationship status changes must be approved by me before putting them in place.

Whenever Shilo addresses me, he will maintain normal eye contact unless told otherwise.


Punishment and Discipline measures are not specifically discussed in rules, mostly because I often have the internal debate as to which I should use at any given time.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Visiting The In-Laws Part 3 (Coming Home)

Sometime after the last two entries, we all played Scrabble together. Let me tell you, I've heard stories about Shilo and his games of Scrabble with his parents, so even though I wasn't exactly inexperienced in Scrabble, I was feeling slightly intimidated by a game, so I had watched the last 10 minutes of a 2 hour game on Saturday, so I was armed and prepared.

The game consisted of much long silences, punctuated with an occasional groan, or a "You took my space" from Shilo's dad. In case I didn't mention it before, Shilo's dad is a man of very few words. He likes golfing and watching football, and he comes across as a staunch Republican. Shilo's mom was also quiet, which was a change from her previous behavior. Seeing her silent, and hearing him talk was rather nice, even if it only lasted as long as the game. At the end, Shilo's mom was the one with no tiles left, and Shilo won, 40 points ahead of me, with me coming in second.

Shilo had thought I was angry earlier, but he had also taken the time to read the other blog entries, and had finally realized that I was dealing with my own confusion. I'm happy to say that by the time we turned out the lights, Shilo and I were on very good terms.

We were up this morning at the equivalent of about 4AM PST. Neither of us was particularly bright eyed, but we quickly showered and packed. Sunshine was "out" before I finished showering, and she was excitedly talking much of the way to the airport in New Orleans. As traffic slowed into morning rush hour, she fell asleep. When we arrived at the airport, it was me who woke up. Shilo's mom was confused to say the least, but she also has a better idea of the Sunshine/me and how we are.

Anyway, there was lots of hugs and kisses and "I Love you's" exchanged, and I don't feel so sad anymore about my my own mom. I have Shilo's mom now, and she's completely different from my mom, but she has the capacity to love and accept all of me, and that makes it all the more better for me.

I was wheeled through Security and to the Gate, and we both waited for the plane. Strangely enough, Sunshine never came back. Not through the takeoff, the flight or the landing. I even napped on the plane, and I woke up as myself. I was relaxed and at ease the whole time. I held Shilo's hand at both takeoff and landing, but it wasn't my usual death grip of the past. I'm not sure what this means, if anything, but I'm looking forward to my last planned trip by airplane till April this weekend. Being home for a change will be nice.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Shilo's Birthday

Today is Shilo's 57th Birthday, and, as most of you already know, we are visiting his parents in MS. This means that our activities are pretty well kept under wraps. No need in unnecessarily scaring them.

Shilo has somehow decided that he will get a 'free pass' for any misbehavior,  or so it seems. He's done a few things without asking or even bothering to consult with me, and at least one of those actions will require some damage control when we get home. I'm NOT looking forward to explaining a Facebook status to a bunch of church ladies. I wouldn't have minded if I had been warned and given time to at least tell a few people on my own, but EVERYONE at once???!!! This may wind up blowing up in my face. Still,  I'm NOT angry.  Flustered?  Definitely!  Mostly because I was caught off-guard.

Anyway,  off to the GOOD things. We were up early, and got LOTS of cuddle time. Shilo's dad took us for a fun ride in his golf cart around the golf courses. It's amazing!  There's a golf course behind their house, and Sunshine came out, and was giggling uncontrollably.  Breakfast was delicious, and the sex (mentioned in my earlier entry) was spectacular.  Dinner at Outback, and just spending time in a relaxed atmosphere was good for us. I want to move past any stupid shit that took place, any hurt feelings or misunderstandings,  and just be happy that we Love each other. I only mentioned the negative things so I could get through it and move on. I mean, I know that no harm was intended, and that we can work through all this... We just need to decide together how to handle this.

Happy Birthday Shilo!!! I Love you!!!

Visiting The In-Laws Part 2

I'm really starting to feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Between Sunshine and all the other events, it's just wearing me down.

Shilo's mother is still pushing food on me, and gives Sunshine WAY too much attention when she is "out" and Sunshine finally asked Shilo to not tell his parents when she is out, because the attention makes her uncomfortable.  I'm not too thrilled with it either. Sunshine is used to attention from Shilo and others in the BDSM community, but they don't ask questions or treat her differently.  Shilo has begun to "protect" her, which makes us both happy.

In other news, the sex has been more than I could have imagined,  and the orgasms on my end have been intense. Unfortunately,  Shilo hasn't been as lucky, and his erections have lacked staying power. I'm not complaining at all. In fact, it means that the sex is better, because he will need a short break to regain the erection,  which is enough time for me to catch my breath for another set of intense orgasms. I Love Shilo, I Love and enjoy sex with him, and I am so very happy with him. He is so good to me. After a while, I will often go into an orgasm-induced coma, so it's no surprise that all this sex has worn me out.

Yes, I'm guilty of passing out after an hour or so of sex. A woman can only handle so many orgasms, and I'm multi-orgasmic.  Today I passed out, and I guess Shilo decided that he was being neglected,  so he masturbated to orgasm as I was snoring on the bed next to him. Now, that would be fine, except for one teeny-tiny thing: Part of our agreement when he entered into service as my slave was that he would not masturbate without my express permission,  and he had not masturbated,  other than for a minute or two in my presence,  since the middle of July. I hadn't given him permission to do this, so when I woke up as he was cumming on both the bed and me, it was disorienting and disturbing. I mean, he could have at least asked, or maybe even waken me up a bit to fuck me, but he did neither.  I'm not angry, I just feel confused by all this. I feel torn, because this is a punishable offense, but I'm not sure how to punish him, or whether I should even bother. I guess that we can discuss this tonight before we go to bed, or maybe when we return home. All I know is that I need a clear head to do this.


Friday, November 8, 2013

Visiting The In-Laws PART 1

Consider this part one of a multi-part blog.

I very briefly met Shilo's parents when we got married in September. Keep in mind that Shilo had only given them the bare minimum of information about me, in hopes that my "oddities"  would not be known. His goal was for them to be happy that he was happy.  My goal was to appear as Vanilla as possible,  with no skeletons in my closet. Both of us did a good job, or so we thought. Little did we know...

I'm not ashamed of Sunshine. She is a part of me, and I would not be complete without her. My only  problem is that she can be hard to explain to others. I mean, how do you explain a very precocious 7 year old girl in a 52 year old body? It's difficult in the best of circumstances. Well  like it or not, Sunshine came out during dinner tonight, and instead of "covering"  for me, Shilo decided to introduce her to them. Sunshine had  me under the surface for most of the exchange,  so I can say that she was scared that his parents would reject her, but they were very  nice about it, but asked her too many questions,  and sometimes ask Shilo things. It was an educational moment. It turns out that Shilo's mom saw her coloring book and crayons in Stitch's room before the wedding,  so she knew something wasn't quite 'right'  but she was too polite to say anything.

When I came out later, it was awkward,  but they were accepting,  especially after they were told that Shilo knew all about  me early on in our relationship,  and that he got involved with me with both eyes open. Fortunately, Shilo decided to at least keep the polyamory under wraps. I'm not quite sure how THAT would have gone over... Anyway,  time for bed and meds. Goodnight!

Thursday, November 7, 2013


INFP - the Healer

You scored 9% I to E, 16% N to S, 10% F to T, and 53% J to P!

You are more introverted than extroverted. You are more intuitive than observant, you are more feeling based than thinking based, and you prefer to go with the flow rather than having a plan. Your type can best be summarized by the word "Healer", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. You have a capacity for caring that is deeper than most. You strive for unity, are fascinated by the battles between good and evil, and can be something of an idealist. Only 1% of the population shares your type.

As a romantic partner, you are usually supportive and nurturing, however, you have a high need for individuality. Harmony is extremely important to you as you are very affected by conflict and tension, which also makes you resist confronting your partner directly about problems. When you get angry, you usually blame yourself, rather than your partner. You can also be stubborn and unyielding when you feel you are being criticized or mistreated. You feel the most appreciated when your partner listens to you carefully. You need to be understood. You need to hear your partner express their feelings, the more often, the better. Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: INFP

Your Analysis (Vertical line = Average)

You scored 9% on I to E, higher than 17% of your peers.
You scored 16% on N to S, higher than 11% of your peers.
You scored 10% on F to T, higher than 6% of your peers.
You scored 53% on J to P, higher than 64% of your peers.

Ugliness AKA: The Woman ALWAYS Knows

This will not be easy to put into words. Don't get me wrong, I can be very eloquent when speaking in public, and I'd like to think I have a gift for expressing myself using the written word. No, this is difficult because what happened today was ugly. It was necessary, but it was a situation I never imagined I'd find myself in. Today I punished Shilo. It was not my pleasure to do it, and, if all goes well, it will never happen again.

Some Background: I am a non-smoker. I started smoking when I was about 12, and quit when I was 17. I'm now 52. That makes about 35 years of not smoking. I've come to detest the odor of cigarettes and I avoid smokers in general. When it comes to smokers, my nose is very sensitive. It may have been several hours since you (whoever you may be) had a cigarette, but I can smell it. Yes, my nose is that sensitive. I once had a play partner who was a smoker. I had no idea until he was nearly naked and I was beginning to stroke his back in preparation for a light flogging. By the time I finished with him, all I wanted to do was go home and shower. In fact, I cut our scene short because the stench made me sick. Smokers are a hard limit.

Enter Shilo: He was different. I knew he was a smoker before I ever played with him. I was even reluctant to get entangled with him because he was a smoker, so I was cautiously friendly, but not so nice that he got any idea that I was interested in him. In an early note to him, when I first offered to play with him, I wrote:

"I do hope we get along well though, if only so you don't have to worry about finding someone to play with, and it would allow me to hone my skills on someone who actually enjoys being beaten. I get the idea that you are not fragile or breakable, and that in itself makes me happy.

I know you are a smoker (a BIG no-no in my personal preferences) but you don't stink of cigarettes, so that's why I made the offer now instead of when I first met you. I wanted to be friendly so you felt comfortable and welcome, but not so friendly that you thought I was coming on to you. Yeah, I'm weird like that."

 I was honest with him from the beginning. At our first play date, things went well, and the rest is history. When he expressed an interest in smoking cessation, I offered to help, and after we got engaged, he expressed a desire to be smoke-free in time for the wedding. I assisted and encouraged  him in doing this, and constantly gave positive feedback. I was so proud of him, and his parents were so very proud of him also. It was really nice to not smell cigarettes on his clothes when he held me, and kissing him was a pleasure.

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago.... One morning he leaned in to kiss me before his morning shower, and I smelled cigarettes. I jokingly said "Shilo, have you been smoking?" He denied it, and said that maybe it was because his jacket had been in his car, and his car still smelled of cigarettes. I accepted it, because I wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe him.Shortly after that day, he got into the habit of only entering my bedroom after he was freshly showered and naked. I kind of liked that... only.... only.... well.... sometimes he smelled of cigarettes. Actually, most of the time. It got to the point that I was no longer laughing about it. He accused his co-workers of smoking in the office, and said maybe that was why he smelled. I wasn't really satisfied with it, but what could I do? I saw no evidence of him smoking, and he was using his e-cigs around me, so I continued to believe him. Well, until early yesterday (11-6) I did.  I woke up not feeling well, so I showered, put on my footie jammies, and went back to bed.  As was his habit, he came in freshly showered, hair washed, etc. I told him I wasn't feeling well, and reassured him it was me and not Sunshine. He leaned over me to kiss me, and I stopped him. "Are you sure you aren't smoking?" He once again denied it, and accused his co-worker. I said, "I'd believe you, but that odor is coming from inside you." Again he denied it.  Well, I figured since I was sick, maybe I imagined that the odor was so strong. I told him I'd be staying where I was because my bed in his room is too far away from the bathroom. He reluctantly agreed and went to bed alone.

Later in the morning, Sunshine was playing on the computer, and he came in to ask me a favor, but he wound up asking her instead. He knew it was her, and he cave explicit instructions. She did as she was told, but was unable to do it because he gave her the wrong code. She went to tell him, and he was asleep and coughing. The room definitely reeked like a smoker's room, and she woke him up to tell him that he gave her the wrong code. He said he'd send it to her, and he rolled over. Eventually, she got bored with the game she was playing, and she let me out. Shilo was coughing loudly in his sleep. I walked to his room and listened. I knew he wasn't sick, so I stood at his doorway some more, and decided that I had enough reason to search his car. I felt guilty as I took his keys off the hook in the hallway, but I figured if I was wrong (and I was hoping I was wrong) I'd confess to not trusting him and apologize. Yes, I'm his Mistress, but I feel if I'm wrong, I owe it to him to admit my mistakes. I went through the garage and into the driveway, and unlocked his car. The stench in his car was unmistakable and unbearable. He had recently smoked in the car. There was no doubt in my mind. I opened the area where he used to keep his cigarettes, and there was an open pack. Yes, I was angry, but, more than anything, I was hurt. I felt betrayed. Shilo lied to me! I'm his wife and Mistress, and he deliberately lied! I gave him chances, many chances, to admit that he was smoking, I even asked him, and if he had told me, confessed, I would have been hurt, yes, but not really angry. I thought for a minute. Do I take the cigarettes and say nothing, or do I confront him? What could I do? Was a stern lecture what he needed, or was severe punishment in order? I knew a spanking would be a waste of time and energy. He enjoys them. I decided that in keeping with our new agreement that a severe punishment was in order. I dreaded doing it, because I knew it would hurt me as well,  but he needed a lesson firmly embedded, and he needed to  see the hurt and disappointment in my eyes. I put the pack of cigarettes in my pocket, and slowly and quietly walked into his room.


The explanation of the following events may be too traumatic for some readers. Read at your own risk!

I climbed onto the bed, and sat on his chest, knowing that the sudden weight would awaken him abruptly. Confused, he smiled at me, like he was expecting some sort of D/s play. I honestly don't remember what I said at that point, but I called him a liar, and showed him the open pack of cigarettes. His face went from happy and smiling to pale. He knew he had been caught. I told him to go into the bathroom and get naked. I followed behind him. Once he was naked, I told him to get in to the bathtub and lay down. He sat up inside the tub, and I yelled at him  to lay down. I turned on the faucet at cold, and sprayed his reclining body with the cold water, telling him he was cold-hearted in not being honest with me. I turned off the water, and told him to stay. I went into the bedroom and took off my clothes, and went back into the bathroom. I walked into the tub, and told him to close his eyes and I forcefully relieved myself on his face and chest. When I finished, I told him he was a piece of shit, floating in a toilet, he started gagging, so I made him sit up, and I helped him stand in the tub and told him to shower. I told him he was lucky that all I did was urinate, because earlier in the day, any urinating resulted in me defecating as well. While he showered and washed his urine soaked hair, I crushed the 15 cigarettes and put them in hot water that I  warmed in the microwave and made cigarette tea. When  he was all cleaned up, I told him to sit down and drink. He drank about half of it, and I took it away and told him to kneel. He kneeled, facing the door. I told him  to kneel facing the toilet, because I knew what was going to happen. As I got into the shower to wash up my urine from my legs and feet, he began to vomit into the toilet. At no time during this did I laugh or smile or feel joy. I loathed what I was doing, and I fought back tears. He needed to learn a lesson, and that lying to me, especially after being given chances to confess would not be tolerated. I told him to wash his face and brush his teeth, and I had him follow me into the bedroom. We laid under a blanket both of us naked, and we talked about what happened. Our feelings, and I gently stroked his back, and told him how much I Love him, and my reasoning for the punishment, and he admitted that he felt it was justified. We slept in each other's arms till about 3:30, and then I sent him to his room so I could finish up a project.

I drove him to work, and will pick him up in a few hours. Then we leave to visit his parents in MS to spend his birthday there.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

What A Slave Wants


I'm clueless on that! Mostly because I'm not a slave. However, after much talking, and reading, and listening, I think I can confidently say that I know more about what my slave wants, and that's a good start.

It doesn't matter how much experience you have, or how many years you've been doing something, because there's always something more you can learn. Today, I learned. I understand the fantasy/reality of his desires. Everyone has a fantasy of how things are, or how they should be, and then, there's the reality. I read the fantasy stuff in stories online, then I read the actual commentaries of women who are living what Shilo desires. It turns out that it's just a matter of changing my mindset.

I've been Shilo's Mistress longer than I've been his wife, and, when I married him, I chose to be his wife first, and his Mistress second. There's nothing wrong with that. I enjoy being 'domestic' and acting that way. Only problem is, I neglected to even consider his feelings or even ask what his thoughts were, and it turns out he was hoping that I'd be Mistress first, and then wife second. I wanted to be domestic, and he wants domestic discipline. I expected him to lead, while he only desired to follow me. I was acting selfless, and he expected me to be more selfish. Neither of these views are wrong, but they are different, and if we aren't on the same page in the same book, then we can't work together. It's time to work together.

I'd like to think I'm flexible, and, because it's easier than trying to change Shilo, I will simply reverse gears, and be all Mistress all the time, with a few twists tossed in. I'll save the whole wife thing for his vanilla friends and family. This means more work for me in the beginning, but it will be fun once I have a schedule and establish rules. Also, if my health declines, everything will be in place so that I am properly cared for. I'll start off slowly, but by the time the New Year arrives, it should be firmly established and in full swing. Probably one of the most important things will be daily talks where he will be expected to speak freely, and answer any questions that I may have, and I will be open to listening to his concerns.It means less sleep for him, but our relationship is more important.

Here We Go Again...

Frustrated by the day's activities, and with a full belly, I went to bed about 9:15ish. I woke up sometime around midnight. Keep in mind this is a guesstimate... I don't know anymore, and it doesn't matter. What does matter, at least to me, is that shit is falling apart, and I'm not sure what I can do, or how it all will end up. I've gotten used to people who express themselves, often LOUDLY, and always clearly. Shilo? He shuts down... He often sulks or just won't talk. I don't blame him for being like that. It's just his nature, and he's used to being alone for long periods of time.

I can't change him. In fact, I'd dare to say that I Love him just as he is. Even when he's sullen and quiet. I Love that look he gets in his eyes when I've found his elusive 'sweet spot", even better, when he's so deep into subspace that he looks at me like he's been tranquilized, and he's drooling, and can't walk straight. The pictures of him when he's with Sunshine, the sweet look of adoration in both his eyes and her eyes. His smooth alabaster skin, his strong legs and his perfectly rounded bottom. The way he whispers my name.The way he's held my hand and reassured me. A friend once described us as being "sticky sweet" and I think she's right. No, things aren't good right now, and I don't know if or when it will be good again, but I'm not too likely to give up. I don't give up easily, and I made a commitment, one I plan on keeping. I'm not giving up, and even if his actions cause me pain, and I am miserable and crying, I'm not going to let this hold me back from Loving him. He's testing me, maybe without really realizing it, and he needs to know I'm not going to abandon him. He wanted something 'permanent' where I wasn't going to let him go, and I gave it to him.

Another thing: My thoughts are just that; thoughts. It doesn't mean they will turn into actions. I want to be able to talk to him about anything, about everything. This means that I will pour out my heart. My dreams, my fears, my desires... even the ones that I'd never confess to others. I know he'll listen. Unfortunately, not all my thoughts are pure and sweet. Some of them would cause any other man to question where my heart is. Sometimes I will forget that the Shilo I married is not the same Shilo I met back in March, and that this Shilo has feelings and thoughts that the earlier Shilo never had. I forget, at least temporarily, that this Shilo just might not be able or willing to hear what I have to say when I pour myself out. I make mistakes, and I expect feedback, and I need to remember that he's not always able or willing to give it to me. Those things are not his fault,  not my fault. They just are.

Shilo, for those things I've done or said that may have caused you pain, I apologize. I need you to state clearly exactly what is bothering you, what will help to make things better. As I've stated before, I don't want a slave who is a sycophantic robot. I want opinions. YOUR opinions. Now I will try to get to bed and sleep, in spite of the insomnia.

Monday, November 4, 2013


This morning started out with much positivity and high hopes. I was about 5-10 minutes late getting Shilo from work, but he seemed happy. Stitch called to say he had a flat, so I knew I'd have to take him to work when I got Shilo home, but it was okay. Didn't bother me any...

I came home from all that, and the mood here had changed. Long story short: Shilo was no longer in a nice mood, which affected my mood, and I wasn't happy, either. Tears came quickly, and I was generally unhappy all day.

I know (or, I hope I know) that Shilo didn't intend to hurt me. All I can say is that my desire is for Shilo to be happy, and my hope is that I bring him joy. It wasn't like that today, and I felt (and still feel) like I'm a failure.

Stitch is blissfully ignorant of my feelings. No, I haven't purposely hidden them, it's just that sometimes he's so wrapped up in his own little world  that he 'misses' other things. It's just easier to let him stay that way.

Shilo has now left for work, dinner is almost cooked, and I'm trying to be happy, but I still can't find my Happy Place. I'm just not sure if I can muddle through this.

I'm starting to hate myself because I can't fix this, and every time I see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's a freight train. I'm tired of crying, and I'm tired of Sunshine coming out when I'm unhappy. She doesn't deserve this.

Hopefully, all this will go back to happier times soon.

Weekend Report

I'll start with Halloween. It was a too-busy day, and emotionally exhausting, mostly because my new medical insurance (through Shilo's employer) is different than what I'm used to (Kaiser). This is a double-edged sword. The advantage is that my new doctor can order more intensive tests (Diagnostic mammogram and sonogram of the breasts) without doing preliminary tests (routine mammogram), but the disadvantage is that the insurance company has to approve it, and that takes time. In a way, it adds to my stress level, and I finally got the approval, only to find out that the doctor put the wrong code for the test ordered. This means I will have to wait longer to get the test done. The person at the Radiology center was very nice and told me I'd need copies of my last mammogram, so I've put it on my to-do list. I spent the afternoon in a depression induced sleep. Stitch neglected to wake me, and I overslept to the point that I didn't eat till after 10PM. Oh, and 2 trick-or-treaters.

November 1 was overwhelming as well. I realized that I forgot to take both Shilo and Stitch's suits to the dry cleaners, and we had a funeral to attend on the 2nd. We (Shilo and I) rushed off to the dry cleaners and dropped off the suits, then we went to see my regular piercer to get both nipple piercings removed and also my tongue piercing. (just in case I wind up needing general anesthesia) We arrived before the piercing studio was open, so we ate breakfast at a nearby restaurant. The food and service was amazing! I've decided to add it to my list of places to eat.... Anyway, once we finished, we walked to the piercing studio, only to find out that my piercer was off, and his replacement was there. I have issues/problems with being touched by people I don't know well, and John (my regular piercer) has a way of helping me through difficult procedures. I left a note for John, and we went on to do my banking and some shopping for curtains. We were not successful in finding curtains, but at least we tried. I napped more (still depressed) and after Shilo left for work, Stitch accompanied me to the store so I could buy a loaf of fresh bakery bread (a special treat) I somehow managed to have a disagreement with Shilo (not really a surprise, considering my ongoing SAD that causes horrible bouts of depression) and spent most of my sleepless night explaining myself to him. By the time I went to bed (4AM?) we were back on track with each other (Thank goodness!)

November 2nd (yesterday) started off with the three of us attending a funeral for a young Dominant that Stitch and I first met nearly 2 years ago. It was heartbreaking for me in so many ways. The knowledge that he was only 35, and had a chronic illness (CF) that would eventually kill him didn't soften the blow, and seeing so many young people was almost more than I could take. I got up and said a few words, and found myself choking back tears.  Later, in the women's restroom, I wound up holding a young girl and wiping away her tears. When it was time to leave, I drove home, knowing what was in store for me. When we got home, I changed my clothes, called John, and made arrangements to see him in an hour. Stitch stayed home, and Shilo griped about having to go with me, until he remembered his promise to be with me in case I was too out of sorts after the visit. John was happy to see me, but was hoping to see Stitch too. I told him I'd have Stitch next time. The first piercing to be removed was my 6g tongue piercing, followed by both of my 2g nipple piercings. I was sad, but silent. My nipples bled in protest, so band-aids were applied. Once more, I napped the rest of the day away, and then woke up about 5PM so we could get ready for a birthday costume party. We arrived at 8 and left around 11. I was in bed with Shilo just before midnight. I unlocked Shilo's chastity device and rode him for maybe 2 minutes. He said he was tired, so I stopped, and he said we could try later. I fell asleep quickly.

Turns out we were both tired, and we woke up this morning without making time for sex. We rushed to get ready for church, leaving Stitch home(he didn't want to go to church) to take care of the animals, and prepare the kitchen for painting. Did I mention our house is in Long Beach, and Shilo's church is in Burbank? It's worth the drive... I enjoy the services, as does Sunshine, and it was Sunshine who drove and went to church. I have a few flashes of memory from the Service,  but I came back out as we parked near the restaurant for lunch. I'm trying to take care of my health, and follow a reasonable diet, avoiding sugar due to my recent diagnosis of diabetes. I ordered a high protein meal, but there was so much food on the plate that I only managed to eat half of the food. After eating and using the bathroom 2 or 3 times (look up polydipsia and polyuria. Damn diabetes!) I changed my clothes, and we went to a carnival-type event at a local dungeon. I had some professional photos taken of me with Shilo, and Shilo got whipped in a whipping booth. We also spoke to LOTS of people, and I was fortunate enough to run into Daddy W and I probably spent a good hour with him, updating him on everything. It was about 4:30PM when I decided that I'd had enough of people, so we went to a local Denny's for coffee etc. I had to drive him to work afterwards, so Shilo and I had lots of time to talk about things, and I was able to discuss some concerns that I had been thinking about for quite a while, but was reluctant to bring up because I didn't want to "rock the boat." I actually prefaced the discussion by telling him that we needed to talk about a concern/worry of mine, and that I was worried that I might sound insensitive, but that I was hoping he'd understand that I wasn't being intentionally insensitive, it was just that I didn't know how to talk about the subject. He said he understood, and I expressed my feelings and fears, and why I was feeling the way I did. It was a healing talk, and I felt better afterwards, because he seemed to actually understand why I was afraid, and that my fears and concerns weren't unrealistic, but based on facts. It could have easily resulted in an ugly argument with each of us blaming the other, but, instead, he was agreeing that a solution was necessary, and he even reassured me that we would work on this together. I dropped Shilo off at work, and came home to an amazingly clean kitchen.

So, all in all, even though there was a lot of difficult moments, I'd have to say that I feel very much Loved and supported. On tap for this week: A visit to Kaiser to get my medical records an tests transferred, and a 5 day visit with the in-laws in MS.