Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Hard Limits

I love music. All types of music. Some songs make me feel happy, or sad, or sometimes, it will bring on a memory of a long time ago, of people I haven't seen in forever, or even of friends who are long gone, and dead. It connects us to others.

It's not that way for everyone, and, because I'm unaware, innocent, and/or naive in many ways, I don't realize that my world of sweetness and happiness and flowers and rainbows and unicorns etc.etc.

When someone tells me they dislike a group or song, I do my best to respect it, but, once in a while, I want to indulge myself in a guilty pleasure, no matter who is around. It was that way Tuesday evening as I drove Shilo to work.

“Merry, I don’t like Pink Floyd” How many times have I heard that? I know I’ve said more often to him, “I hate Rush” but I go on and say “I know you love Rush, and because I Love you, I won’t complain.” Well, it just so happens that Pink Floyd was playing, and it was a song I really wanted to hear, so I told him something along the lines of “Too bad, I’m the Dominant, and I want to listen to this.” He got really pissed about it, and didn’t talk to me, and I had to ask for a kiss. I was confused by it all. I mean, it was one fucking song!

I read his diary entry about it, and it came out that he used LSD and was listening to Pink Floyd. Apparently, it wasn’t a pleasant experience. I’m just confused as to why he never said anything about this to me before. I’m not a mind reader. I thought we established this before, but I guess not. Anyway, after the partial explanation, I agreed to never play any Pink Floyd songs in his presence. Still I asked that he explain exactly what happened. Naturally, it’s his choice, and I won’t force him to tell me, but it is now a hard limit, and I will respect it.

Shilo, I Love you. Always

Monday, August 25, 2014


Just For Fun!

Ε.S.Ε. Slut Test
Love for Sex********
Slut Bonus Points*******
Would you like to take it too?

What I Did Today And Why I Did it (8-25-14)

A situation happened this past weekend that has me tied up in knots, and not in the "good" way either. I don't expect anyone to understand or accept, but I still need to express myself. I am a "Little," or, rather, I have a Little Girl that lives inside me. Her name is Sunshine, and she is 7 years old. This is different than "age play" in that I don't pretend I'm 7, and act like a 7 year old. Sunshine is a complete and separate personality than me. It's not an easy thing to explain to others, either. I mean, how do you explain some of her actions and why she says and does the things she says and does? How do you explain that, yes, she can be jealous, but she's not full of malice or her intentions are mostly innocent, and she doesn't mean to do others harm, or hurt their feelings?

Sunday morning consisted mostly of Sunshine crying and yelling insistently that she was a good girl, and didn't do anything wrong or bad, and Sherman telling her that she did do something wrong and made a grown woman cry. Either way, it caused quite a ruckus, and I missed out on Sunday morning sex with Shilo because of it. To say that Shilo is getting tired of misunderstandings such as this is an understatement. Living with me is difficult enough, but add Stitch and other household members, plus the dogs and cats, and add Sunshine, and it can be troublesome at best. Let's just say that Sunshine will sometimes act like a normal 7 year old child that wants attention and affection, and if she feels like someone else has the attention and affection that is (in her opinion) rightfully hers, there will be misbehavior on her part.

I'm protective of Sunshine, as are Stitch and Shilo. After all, she is 7, and even though she's constantly learning things, thanks to her inquisitive nature, and Shilo's patience in explaining how things work, her emotions are still that of a 7 year old, and, most likely, always will be. She's precocious in many ways, but put pressure on her, and she will react like a 7 year old would, because she is 7. Much of the time, she just wants to play games on Facebook, but she does have a Fetlife page of her own, and she will sometimes respond to a message. I'm not friends with her because she's independent, and she has her own interests. It was decided long ago that we cannot "protect" her from my kinks and shelter her like one would with their offspring. she comes and goes at will, and she has been known to "hijack" my body at inopportune times.
So, what was I up to? I was looking up an explanation of MPD/DID for the woman who was and is upset with Sunshine, because she doesn't understand how a 7 year old could live in the body of a woman who is 50+ years old. I'm thinking that THIS will help. In the meantime, if anyone could assist me with an easier to understand explanation for the woman, please point it out to me. ~ M

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Silence (8-5-14)

"Silence is Golden." Who hasn't heard that at one time or another? People neglect to say that Silence can also be an insidious blackish-gray cloud that covers and overtakes everything, until there is Nothing. I am there. I am in the Darkness, becoming Nothing, fighting still, but as the Nothingness overtakes me, I cannot be heard or seen.

Sometimes a wind takes over, and momentarily exposes the sun, but I wonder, if I scream, when I scream, can I even be heard? If I'm heard, will anyone bother to answer, to rescue me? Can they even hear my cries of despair, or do I just sound like a cold howling wind?

I want: I want to be heard.. If I'm not heard. I am Nothing.

I need: I need to be valued as a person, as a human being. If I am devalued, I am Nothing.

If a person is Nothing, then they are already dead, a waste of air and space. I don't want to be those things. I've fought, I've won, and, sometimes, I've lost, but I survived. I lived to see another day. I gained strength from my losses, more so than from the times I won.  Life is funny that way... You lay there on the ground, barely breathing, barely moving, and you slowly, carefully, painfully, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and walk away. Sure, your ego and pride is hurt, but you survived! You aren't a victim, you are a survivor! I am a survivor, but this battle is really taking me out. I'm discouraged.

Someone I Love, someone I value, is fighting against me, against us, and even as I attempt to scream in my dark cloud, I get the feeling he doesn't fully understand or comprehend. It's one thing to say, to admit, that you are destroying everything good in your life by your behavior, but it's altogether different to fully understand and admit it to yourself.If you say you are destroying something, and you continue to destroy it, then your admission means nothing.

I can change my behavior all I want, but I can't change what you are doing. I can tell you about your behavior and how it affects me, but I know even that will not change anything. I can ask, beg, and plead with you to look at what you are doing, I will point out examples as they happen, but unless you decide to stop said behavior, it will continue.

As for me, I'll just keep getting pummeled to the ground, barely breathing, barely moving, and then slowly, carefully, painfully, pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on going. Or maybe, I'll just lay there for a while and look up at the sky. Either way, I'm not giving up. Not now, not ever. I still catch glimpses of the sun and sky.