Monday, December 23, 2013

One Year and Two Days Later

I’ve waited till now to write this because I was reluctant to write it any sooner. Losing my mother and coping with her sudden unexpected death was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Yes, there were things that I mourned over that I has more of a reaction to (Mom would understand) since her death, but she is who and what I miss most in my life. I have almost constant reminders of her, and now that I have my own place, my own home, I find little reminders of her in the strangest spots. Sometimes, I manage to smile or even laugh. Other times, I fall apart and cry loudly, but, mostly, my reactions are somewhere in between.

The Christmas tree: It was in a box on storage, and we emptied the storage earlier this month. It’s been in a box in the garage since then. Shilo finally broached the subject last week. I told him he could put it up. He did it on the one year anniversary of her death while I was out for the day. Seeing the lights through the living room window caused me to smile, but I haven’t put on the decorations or turned on the lights. I can’t. It’s just too hard right now. The nativity scene is still boxed up somewhere. Mom Loved it, and was a perfectionist in setting it up ‘just so.’ How can I possibly do it justice? How can I do any of this and give her honor? The sad truth is that I’m still feeling lost about it all. I need to figure it all out on my own, and I don’t have a map. I don’t even have a navigator. It’s just me, lost in a sea of darkness. Okay, maybe it’s not really that horrible, but it does feel like that at times, and while I try to fill these days just before Christmas, I avoid everything to do with it.

Avoiding everything: Christmas Carols at the stores… I run in and get out as quickly as possible when going to the mall. I went this past Friday and bought gifts for Stitch and Shilo. Total time: 25 minutes, most of which was spent in line to pay. I went again Saturday evening with Stitch to look for a dress but came home with nothing. I spent 45 minutes total in the stores that time. Running errands in other stores Saturday evening was an adventure. I was so preoccupied in my search that I didn’t notice the music if there was any. I’ve avoided Christmas specials on TV, but I did record “Rudolph” because it is my favorite program. I’ve not watched it yet. Not sure if I can get through it without crying. Lastly, the radio… I quickly change the station when I hear the beginning of any Christmas song. In fact, over the past month, I’ve only heard three songs, none of which caused me to cry.

I feel almost Grinch-like in my actions to the outside world, but, unlike the Grinch, I already know that Christmas is here, it’s coming fast, and I can’t stop it. It’s in the heart, and while it breaks mine to be without my mother, I know that there are children experiencing the wonder and joy of it for the very first time. Not one year olds, I mean slightly older, when they finally have a grasp of it. I try to be happy for them. Sunshine will hopefully always have that, but she’s not even interested in seeing Santa Claus this time. Yes, she’s sad too. She even hijacked my body for most of the weekend, but was kind enough to leave a few memories. I guess she was worried about me. Either way, I’m either sad or numb. NOT a good thing. I know it will eventually be easier, but I’m not there yet.

The victims: Yes, there are victims. Sunshine, who mourns mom’s death so greatly, more than I ever could. Stitch, because he loved her so much, and she was good to him. I’m not exactly sure how he feels, because I’m in my own bubble when it comes to this, but I’ll say that there have been more than a few times when we cried together. Finally, there is Shilo. Sweet Shilo came into this after the fact. He was told about all this in the beginning, but I feel like sometimes the entire situation is overwhelming. He’s comforted us (both Sunshine and me) in the car, the van, the grocery store, church, the mall, you name it, and he’s done so with such graciousness, kindness and Love, that I feel so very grateful to have him in my life. I also understand that mom had to die for me to have him in my life, and that I wouldn’t have the good things that I have in my life right now if mom hadn’t died (cause and effect) so I face that reality too.

Soo… Two days till Christmas and I’m still fighting myself, avoiding the places that mom and I would go to just so I won’t fall apart and cry. The psychologist in me tells me to go there because it would be cathartic, and the rest of me fights it,  not wanting to re-open those wounds, I’m not sure who will win, but I know that I’d better decide quickly, because time is running out and I actually need to get those things.

For those of you who celebrate, I hope your Christmas is happy and full of Joy. For the rest of you: Enjoy your hump day. I think I’ll survive.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Doing It Wrong… A Confession

Oh, where do I begin? The beginning is too soon, the middle seems a little late, and the end? Well. It’s not happened yet, and, with a little luck, it will be a very long time from now.

Let’s start by establishing a few things. I am ‘scattered,’ I can’t help it. Keeping things and myself together is nearly impossible. It’s something I do my best to explain to people, but very few understand it, until, one day, I’m particularly so, and then they tell me (as if I didn’t know) “You are scattered.” Thank you! Now that we’ve established that, can we please continue with our coffee and conversation, or whatever else we were doing?? I’m a closeted perfectionist. I want things the way I want them, but I will also look at a task and decide whether or not I think I can do it. If I feel it’s impossible (or improbable) I won’t do it. There’s no need or use for me to extend my energies on something that I can’t do perfectly. I detest failure. Specifically, my failure. Your failure is yours, and, while I might point it out, or complain, it’s quickly forgotten and forgiven. Some people mistake my desire for perfection, and refusal to do something I feel I won’t succeed at as laziness, but I don’t care what others think, unless I’m having a personal crisis, and then everything matters. So… I am flawed and a perfectionist. Some might say I’m doomed to fail, but they don’t know me. My redeeming quality in all this is that I’m honest. I tell the truth. Yes, it’s MY truth, but still the truth. My mouth often gets me into trouble, and I pay the consequences.

I can’t really talk about Shilo’s qualities without mentioning Stitch. It wouldn’t be fair. Stitch is loving and caring and, whatever he does, he means well. He’s always anticipating my next move, and will often go above and beyond what is expected/requested of him, often to his own detriment. It’s endearing and irritating. Shilo, on the other hand, is self-assured, and is a pretty good judge of character. He has a low tolerance for people who whine, and he gets things done right the first time without prompting. Where Stitch guesses, Shilo knows, and if I give him something to do, it will be done right. Both Stitch and Shilo have one similar fault: If I notice something awry and happen to mention it, they both take it personally. Stitch will object loudly, and Shilo will shut down. I don’t enjoy fighting/arguing, but if Stitch gets loud, I get loud right along with him, and we often wind up laughing. When Shilo gets upset (and he does so on a regular basis) I wind up with a stony-cold silent man. I can’t handle that very well, and, many times, I’m not exactly sure what set it off. All I know is that something went wrong somewhere and I have to guess. It’s frustrating, and if I ask him directly, he often won’t answer. If it wasn’t for his journal entries, I’d have no clue what went wrong 80% of the time. He holds grudges (just like me… I said I had flaws!) and does things to his own detriment to prove a point. 

Occasionally, I’ll think things are just fine and smooth sailing till I read his journal. Things I thought were resolved this weekend apparently were not according to what he wrote, and so, while he has no idea that I read his entries as soon as I woke up this morning, I already know that he’s still a little (a lot?) upset over some things I said that were meant to be corrections. Which, by the way, once I said them and felt they were resolved, I forgot about them… well, until I read about them this morning. Now I just feel like crap, because he’s still hurting, and it’s a failure on my part. So… what do I do? What can I do? I guess I could try to repeat what I said over the weekend to him, but I can’t remember half of what I told him. I could play stupid and act like everything is fine, but that will eventually blow up in my face in a very bad way. I could try to get him to talk (I fail nearly all the time on that) or I could write this, and tell him that I Love him, I appreciate him, and that he’s perfect for me. The things he’s held onto are things that we discussed, and it’s over with. I'm no longer upset.

We’re from completely different environments, and I panic because I’m so used to doing without that when I have, I treat it like it’s precious and I want to make it last. It’s going to be a while for me to adjust to “having” so please be patient with me. You are my Superman, my Knight in Shining armor. Yes, there’s kryptonite and chinks in your armor, but that’s okay. Love makes all that inconsequential. Just remember and remind me that I’m not in that dark hole anymore.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

An Apology

For ALL to see...

Dear Shilo,

I was wrong. Yes, I’m your Mistress, and you are my slave/husband/slub, but you need to know you mean so very much to me. Yes, I get hurt and moody, but it doesn’t change my feelings. I Love you with all my heart, and you are my Joy.

I know I’m not easy to live with, I’m bitchy and demanding, and I want things the way I want them. I rarely explain myself, and I expect you to accept all of it without questioning me. Naturally, you are curious, and you need answers, but sometimes, I just can’t explain it all.

I think I’ve told you before how easy it is for you to rip me apart, and the main reason why is because of my Love for you. It doesn’t make me “soft” on you, but it does make me vulnerable. I’ve said this to you at least 100 times, but it bears repeating: I am a woman first, your Mistress second. I’m also forgetful due to the seizures etc; and I often mean to do things, and then I promptly forget to do them.  In this way, especially, you have been a Godsend to me. You’ve “rescued” me many times over the past 6 months, and I could never thank you enough.

All I had to do was remember one simple thing, and I couldn’t even do that right, and it eats at me. I could easily blame your lying to me for pushing me so far over the edge that I forgot it, and that would be partially true, but I need to be accountable for my actions, or, in this case, inactions.

I may not have forgotten your birthday, but the lack of a card and/or present obviously really upset you, and I’m really sorry about that. I’m not exactly sure how or whether I can make it up to you, but it wasn’t intentional. It’s been YEARS since Stitch and I did anything for our birthdays or even Christmas. We just do little things when we can, or I fix him a special meal or we go out. No cards or gifts. So, while it really wasn’t intentional to hurt you, I get the feeling it hurt you more than I thought, and I apologize for your hurt feelings. There are other things on my mind, too, but this is all I can fix right now.


Friday, December 6, 2013


"Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one" Albert Schweitzer (1875-1965)

There is the problem: We all have opinions on things, and it is good that we are all different with different opinions. Asking for help, or an opinion allows us to see things differently. The problem is when we receive unsolicited opinions from people who "think" they know better than you do. Excuse me a moment, but, if you really knew me, you would know why your way would not work for me, besides, I don't recall even asking your opinion in the first place!

I have a Mentor, I have trusted friends and acquaintances from both sides of the slash, and, when I need an opinion or insight, I can (and do) go to them and ask. Sometimes I do what they suggest, other times, I don't, but the important part is that I asked them. Little Miss (or Mister) know-it-all can kiss my ass!

There's nothing wrong with someone who has more experience taking me aside and offering me tips, especially if I know them. My problem is with complete strangers who don't know anything about me telling me or (even worse) my husband/slave what I (or he) should be doing. Shilo is still learning how I like things, and for someone to come along and tell him things contrary to what I want or like is just plain rude.

So, what exactly has my panties in a bunch? Some random female top told him to use baby oil post-spanking. I cannot stand the feel of makeup, lotions or oils on my skin, and forget perfumes or anything else! I also have severe allergies, so I'm very careful about  what I allow in my household. Shilo didn't bother to ask me about the suggestion, instead, I was "surprised" by it when I touched him one day after he got out of the shower. Sure, it was as simple as sending him back in, but it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

I was (and still am) so very tempted to hunt her down and tell her off, but I've decided to write this instead. Don't give unsolicited advice to another woman's submissive or slave! The next Mistress/Dominant/Master you piss off may not be as nice as I am. Handle your own household, and mind your own business. Next time I may not be so nice.

As for those of you who have provided me guidance when I've asked, I thank you. You're all the best!

Friday, November 22, 2013

Digging A Hole

I've not said anything to Stitch about Shilo. I just told him Shilo was feeling out of sorts, so I'll be sleeping in bed with Stitch instead. It's not really his business, anyway, and if Shilo wants Stitch to know, he can tell him himself. I don't think it's a good idea to tell Stitch that Shilo wants alone time right now.

I don't expect anyone to understand me, but I'll try to explain. All my relationships are based on trust. If you violate that trust by being dishonest, my trust in you will naturally decrease. I need to feel that the people I choose to have near me are people that I feel will be honest with me. I will forgive, but I'm not likely to forget, if only so I don't repeat the same mistake. So... where does this bring me?  If a person violates my trust, I'll be less likely to trust that person as much.  This even applies to people I Love. I don't Love them any less, but I also will be more guarded with them. I haven't ever (to my knowledge) completely lost my trust in anyone unless they have caused me physical or severe emotional harm. I can count those people on one hand. Being defensive when you violate my trust does not make me feel bad, instead, it causes me to be less empathetic.

I realize that by writing and posting this, I put myself at risk of digging my own grave, but I refuse to give up without a fight. Earning the trust back that I lost in you isn't easy, but it's a gradual thing, and it's no reason to do even more things to pull away my trust.

I'm giving all I can, and I'll give as much space as is needed, but at the end of the day, it's still "us" and not just "me" or "you." I cannot apologize for my justifiable actions, but if I am wrong, I will apologize. This is merely an explanation, not an accusation.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

On Calling Bullshit

Calling Bullshit is not one of my better skills. That's not to say I don't know it when I see or hear it, but it's more that I'd rather have the person tossing Bullshit at me think that I'm buying into it. It's just easier than arguing it.

Unfortunately, sometimes I have no choice, and I must call Bullshit. This has happened quite often recently, and, while I hate doing it, I see it as my job to do it, because even though I'm a fool in Love, I'm no fool, and just because I Love you doesn't mean I'll tolerate your Bullshit.

I will fight for you, defend you, even cover your ass if I have to, but please understand that I will also rip you a new one if you continue on your road to destruction by giving me flimsy excuses.

I consider it my job, my responsibility to care for you, defend you, Love you and guide you. You signed up for this, as did I, and I will not allow you to self-destruct. Yes, you will need to earn my trust back, but you will also learn that you are worth it to me.


It's not been the easiest 11 months of my life. Sometimes, I still feel so very lost, and I am left wondering how I've even managed to get this far. Still, as much as I miss my mother, and I'm reduced to tears sometimes, I can't help but be grateful for the people who have been there for me, and the new friends who have enriched my life so much, including (and especially) Shilo.

Each day. each hour, brings me closer to the one year mark. My first Thanksgiving without mom is a week away, and Christmas? It'll be my second. I still occasionally fall apart in the produce department, and now that the Winter Holidays are nearly here, I see constant reminders of my mom. The chocolate covered liqueur cherries, the panettone, the brussels sprouts on the stalk, hams and turkeys, the fresh yams and marshmallows and eggnog. As much as mom bitched about the holidays, she enjoyed the grocery shopping, the selecting and buying the "just right" items. We'd go shopping about 3 or 4 days before Thanksgiving, and battle everyone else to find just the right turkey. As it's gotten closer, I've debated how to handle it. The shopping, I mean.There's never been a doubt in my mind that I'd prepare a Thanksgiving dinner, after all, I've done it for years, and I have so much to be grateful for. My only "problem" has been in wrapping my head around the shopping, because of memories of doing it with mom. I know (hope) that one day, I'll feel nostalgic, but, for now, I only feel intense emotional pain.  

Without even realizing it, Shilo gave me an "out" by sending me grocery shopping for the household. I was supposed to go Tuesday night, but I fell asleep, so I wound up waking very early Wednesday morning (5:30AM) and I hit the nearly-empty grocery store just after it opened. Since there wasn't even a crowd of people, I was able to shop, and even pick out the turkey without dealing with the normal holiday crowd. Naturally, there's more stuff I need to buy, but I'm sure that Shilo will go with me over the weekend, and we can get the staples and dessert then. He's actually been very helpful as far as my emotional outbursts, because he never met my mother, so he is able to soothe away my pain. In my previous post it might have seemed that I wrote that he lacks compassion, but that is not the case. It's more that he can occasionally (frequently) be insensitive to my needs as a woman, as his wife, and that expressing sadness is hard for him, and he will step on my feelings without even realizing he's done so. If I am sad or crying, he tries really hard to comfort me or Sunshine. He will just have to be mindful of my needs.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

His Desires

This was intended for my private (blogger) journal only, and not FetLife, but I decided that this needs a (slightly) bigger audience. This requires that I give a (not so) brief explanation. If you want, skip to the next paragraph. I was in a polyamorous relationship with my ex-husband, Stitch, when I first saw Shilo in late March. At that point, he was still D---- and it was his very first time at my favorite dungeon, and he was there to meet someone. He caught my attention that night, and I wasn't looking. He was kind of pretty with his long blonde hair, and he was obviously feeling out of place, but I had other things planned that night, so I went on with my play date, and occasionally saw him sitting near the back. I caught a glimpse of the chastity device he was wearing, and that further caught my attention. The next day, I found a post by him on one of the groups I belong to, and when I read it and his profile, I sent him a short note. I had already decided that he needed encouragement to go to public play parties, and that I could be friendly towards him, but that I would not play with him, because he was a smoker. To say I detest cigarettes is an understatement. My sincere hope was that he'd keep coming around, and that he would find someone nice to play with. We kept up with back and forth messaging, and, whenever I saw him, I'd greet him with a hug, and briefly speak to him. I could tell by our interactions that he was not very successful in actually meeting anyone that was even remotely interested in playing with him beyond just one time, and I could tell by his pictures that he was a heavy bottom. I also noticed that whenever I saw him and got near him that he didn't smell like a heavy cigarette smoker, so I took my chances, and invited him to join me at a party and play with me. I figured I needed a reliable play partner, and he needed someone to play with too. I told him we'd start off with a short session, and if he managed to entertain me, we'd go longer, and if I was happy at the end of the night, I'd play with him at every party. Well, he proved himself well, and at the end of the night, I invited him to join us for a late night snack, thinking (hoping) he would refuse. I mean, it's one thing to play at a dungeon, but completely different to actually have to talk to them. I recall apologizing profusely to Stitch, and him reassuring me that it would be okay. Stitch was right. It was okay, and I realized that he was okay. We even set up another date, and in September, I married Shilo. We are now a happy poly family.

Most of us are full of desires, and not all of them are easy, but I want to share Shilo's desires right now, because they are so simple, and yet, they are also difficult. The items I'll be explaining might seem like Shilo is a "do-me" slave, but he is not. Most of the desires listed were more of a self-improvement nature, and if I could help him become a better man, why not give a guiding hand in making these things happen? Shilo's first desire was to find someone, preferably a woman, who would Dominate him, and discipline him, and give him spankings on a regular basis. I came along, and that desire was fulfilled. He would obsessively masturbate (the reason he had on the chastity device when I first saw him) so he asked for guidance/help to stop. I gave him the help he needed with that. He also desired a BDSM contract, but he felt my initial one wasn't restrictive enough, so I gave him a very restrictive slave contract. I realized that his desire for more restrictions had to do with a fear of being dumped by me, and he needed a sense of "permanency" so I gave it to him. Later, when he realized/admitted to me that he was in Love with me (something neither of us expected) he decided that he wanted to quit smoking. I stated restricting his daily cigarette intake, and he used e-cigs to help with the nicotine. It was the smell and effect of the cigarettes on the lungs that he was concerned with. He wanted to straighten out his living area. That was a difficult task, but us getting married and moving to a house pretty well fixed that. Those were her biggest desires, the ones that seemed so hard, and yet, with lots of encouragement and Love, he was successful in meeting those desires and goals. Yes, he briefly backslid on two of those things, but he is back on track now.

But now comes two of his more simple desires. One was to have a "strict wife" that would use domestic discipline and lock him in chastity for her enjoyment. I wasn't sure if I was up for all it entailed, but I'm discovering that it is something I'm enjoying more as time goes on. I think he occasionally gets the understanding of "Be careful what you you wish for" He often resists, but I know that deep inside, he is very happy with it. The other desire, the one I think he desires most is to actually cry during a discipline session. It's easy for most people, but not Shilo. I really couldn't figure out why. I mean, we've had some really intense sessions, and yet, not a tear has been shed. Nothing I did caused more than a grunt, groan or gasp. It was frustrating for me, because I was able to help with all those difficult, almost insurmountable things, and I couldn't get this grown man to cry? I'm not bragging, but getting grown men to cry was easy. Effortless, even, but not Shilo. Recently, however, a light went on, and now I understand. I'm sharing this, because it might help someone else. Over the past two weeks, we have had some problems. Ugly problems. The kind of stuff that will tear apart even the best relationships. Only... well, only I have a really strict moral code, and I rarely make promises. By that, I mean, I'm not likely to say, "I promise (whatever)" I just don't do it because a promise is a HUGE thing for me. Well, I promised Shilo that I wouldn't just give up on him. I promised that I'd try to work things out with him no matter what happened, and that leaving was not an option. Like I said, things had gotten ugly, and I was at the end of my emotional rope. I had given everything and it wasn't good enough. He was unable (unwilling?) to see that he had ripped me open and gutted me, and that I needed some compassion. I'm human, and I need Love too. It was at that point, where I was sobbing, that the light went on. He is unable to truly empathize with others when it comes to sorrow or sadness. Love? He has it down pat, but emotional pain? It's blocked. I finally realized why, and it's a very personal reason, but he associated it with a weakness, and he essentially built a wall around himself. He "shuts down" and is unable to feel, and I finally saw his insensitivity to my pain, even after I explained it to him. I could see that he was trying so very hard to understand, but he had no reference point. I remembered a conversation I had with his mom when we visited his parents last week, and I finally understood why. Now comes the hard part. I confronted him. Not in an accusing way, but in a compassionate way. I told him what he needed to hear. He's not going to cry. Not until he learns that it's okay to feel sadness, sorrow and anguish and that expressing it is not a sign of weakness, but strength. Only he can open those floodgates, but he needs to be aware that it's okay to do so. For now though, I will wait patiently.

Friday, November 15, 2013


Kind of like an AHA! Oh is less enthusiastic appearing, as it rarely has an accompanying exclamation point after it, yet it is still a reaction to a discovery. Aha! is when you find out you were correct, Oh is when you discover something you didn't know or expect. Then there's Oh? as in, Really? tell me more... That could be good or bad, depending...

Lately, my discoveries have been more Oh than Aha. I'm okay on the surface, and I've chosen to remain very superficial instead of digging deep because I don't like those deep thoughts and feelings. I get the feeling that a 'purge' is necessary, because holding in all that negativity is bad for me.

I'm not unhappy, it's more that I'm not exactly happy with all these Oh moments. It's been over a week now, and I'm still upset (sad, not mad) about discovering cigarettes in Shilo's car. That was an Oh moment. I've always made a point to put my feelings out there for Shilo, and, thanks to Sunshine, secrets rarely stay secret long. It brings me back to my previous post about there being no one-size-fits-all guide for having a slave, or a husband, or a wife, or a child, or a boss or employee, or even a friend. Face it: Human interaction is a very tricky thing. We get hurt or angry, or sad or confused, or any other negative emotion, and we try to muddle our way through it, or we shut down, or we become passive-aggressive, or just outright lie about it. Sometimes, it's easier than just blurting out "I feel (emotion) because of (whatever was said or done)" The question that remains in my mind is how long am I going to feel like this, and why should I turn into a broken record?

The most important emotion right now is Love.  So, what do I or can I say?  Maybe I should say:  I Love you Shilo, and yes, I'm still feeling hurt and more than a little insecure right now, and I want to feel secure, but it's hard because you not only chose to defy me, but you also lied about it, and yes, I know you were severely punished for it, but my pain about it is still there, and I know you apologized but I still feel so very hurt and betrayed, and I can't help how I feel...? 

Do I rip open my chest and pour out my heart? Do I expose my vulnerability, make myself weak before him? Do I tell him that my Love for him makes me unable to stay angry, but afraid of him hurting me? Do I tell him he's able to hurt me so easily because I Love him so very much and all I want to do is be a source of happiness and joy for him, so when he's anything other than that, I feel like a failure? Do I tell him he can tear me apart with just a few words? What the fuck do I do? Does this change our dynamic? Does this make him less of a slave? Does this make me less of a Dominant?

DAMMIT! I WANT ANSWERS!!! I deserve answers. But there's no guidebook, no one-size-fits-all answers for this, and the only people who can figure this out is us, and the answers of today may not be the same tomorrow or next week.

I guess I will mull over this... click "Publish" and try to work my way through this.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

The Care And Feeding Of A Slave

Congratulations! You have a brand new slave! Or... maybe an older one, or maybe one with a little or a lot of experience. At any rate, you now have a a slave. So, now what? This handy dandy guide will tell you all you need to know.

Wouldn't it be nice (great, wonderful) to have one of those? Unfortunately, it doesn't really exist, and my life experience tells me that we're all different with different needs. Still, it would be helpful. Imagine knowing a slave's real temperament before you allow them into your life.Wouldn't that be nice?  Because, face it: In any relationship, especially the beginning, we all try our best to show our good side. Well, there are exceptions, but I think we all have our public persona and our private one. I also think that once we are comfortable with someone, we are more likely to 'let loose.' I know that it wasn't until just recently that Shilo saw me on a bad day. It wasn't because I was hiding it from him, it was because they are a rare occurrence, and, even though I told him about them, he wasn't really prepared when it happened. Was it his fault? No... Was it my fault? Not really... I mean, I couldn't have predicted the reaction I had. Either way, now he knows. The same goes for me. Shilo has said and done things that I've been at a loss to deal with. I could have lived apart from him for several years and not known some of these things. It was only because we live in the same house that I found out. BUT... It's okay. I Love him and accept him just as he is. The things he does, the way he is, is uniquely him, and I am uniquely me.

So, even though I don't have a guidebook, or a way of predicting all his behavior, I do understand Shilo, and, when I'm befuddled by him, all I can do is ask or wait for an answer. I try to pay attention to his many desires. I talk to him, I LOVE him, even when I'm hurt or (on very rare occasions) angry. I try to see things from his point of view. I give as much affection as I can. I call "Bullshit" when necessary, and I remind him that this is the path he chose, and that he wasn't forced or coerced into it. I use behavior modification to help him with stumbling-blocks, and I am his cheerleader. I shower him with all the affection I can muster, and I also pepper him with the occasional frustrated, not-so-nice thoughts I am having regarding him. I put up with the stubbornness, and I give him the discipline he desires, and, on very rare occasion, I punish him (only twice so far) because he needs and deserves it.

My journey is not your journey, and my ways are not your ways. I can be a very severe Mistress when needed, but I am also open-hearted and kind, and I do my best to not hand out more than a person can take. Shilo? He will tell you himself that I am not cruel or abusive to him. He enjoys (longs for) the beatings I give him, and, other than the punishments, I've never pushed him too far. I know him, his body, his reactions. I will never intentionally cause him harm. The only thing I'm learning now is his mind, his thought processes, and what and why and how he acts the way he does when he does.  The learning curve... His predictable unpredictability. I Love him, this man, my slave, my lover, my husband. If I wrote a guide, all it would say is "Love your slave, the rest will work out."

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

House Rules

House Rules???!!! Yes... House Rules!

Let's go back a bit... After 9+ years of being with Stitch, I married my slave of only a few months, Shilo, in September. We "officially" moved into a house that I purchased on October 1st. One thing briefly discussed was "House Rules" because we all knew there would be adjustments, and face it: Shilo likes guidelines and order of some sort, and I can occasionally be a control freak. Ours is a match made in Heaven (or hell, depending on your perspective) So, it was discussed and tabled, other than the fact that we decided that a c/o (clothing optional) would make things easier. Mostly because I hate clothing (unless I'm cold) and Sunshine detests getting dressed. That decided, we all went our own ways. If course, we encountered a few (more than a few) instances where things would happen, and I'd have to figure out how to deal with them, or perhaps I'd get used to things being as certain way, and then someone would change things up, much to my disappointment. If I like something, or how it's done, I might say I like it the first go round, but I figure that is enough. Stitch needs constant positive reinforcement, and Shilo has a mind of his own. Neither attribute is bad, but it can often cause confusion. So, once again, House Rules have come up. Also, in light of some of the events of the weekend, General Rules, or at least a list, has come up.

I'm a lazy perfectionist, meaning that if I feel I can't accomplish a task, I won't try it. Fear of failure? Yeah, a little bit. But I can also be stubborn, and expect things to just be the way I want it. What's a girl to do? Make up written rules. A list of sorts... Fortunately, Shilo is obsessive with lists and note-taking, so I can have him handle most of those things. All I have to do is make them and write them down, or just tell him, and Shilo will organize them into whatever category they belong to. Some of them will just be repeats of my desires. I will occasionally have a blog entry titled "House Rules" with a list of whatever rules I think are needed.Shilo will be responsible for categorizing them and putting them into a blog .


 All household members will wear underwear that covers their bottoms when going to bed. Sexual activity is the exception to this rule.

On mornings after work, Shilo will only come into my presence after he has showered, and present himself naked, and ask for permission to enter my bed.

Sunshine will be treated like an innocent child at all times. Nudity is allowed, but no sexual activity will be allowed. She is to let both Shilo and/or Stitch
 know when she is "out" and not try to trick them into thinking she is me. Any inappropriate behavior by Shilo or Stitch in her presence will result in disciplinary action.

My health (physical/mental) will not be shared with anyone outside the Polycule/Pack without my express permission. Emails to family members about my health will be discussed before hitting SEND

Sunshine is to be protected at all times. You will not tell others about her without her or my permission. It should be either my decision or hers if we want others to know about her/us. To do otherwise causes her great distress.

Shilo will always be naked (socks optional) for beatings, discipline and/or punishment.

Any public profile relationship status changes must be approved by me before putting them in place.

Whenever Shilo addresses me, he will maintain normal eye contact unless told otherwise.


Punishment and Discipline measures are not specifically discussed in rules, mostly because I often have the internal debate as to which I should use at any given time.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Visiting The In-Laws Part 3 (Coming Home)

Sometime after the last two entries, we all played Scrabble together. Let me tell you, I've heard stories about Shilo and his games of Scrabble with his parents, so even though I wasn't exactly inexperienced in Scrabble, I was feeling slightly intimidated by a game, so I had watched the last 10 minutes of a 2 hour game on Saturday, so I was armed and prepared.

The game consisted of much long silences, punctuated with an occasional groan, or a "You took my space" from Shilo's dad. In case I didn't mention it before, Shilo's dad is a man of very few words. He likes golfing and watching football, and he comes across as a staunch Republican. Shilo's mom was also quiet, which was a change from her previous behavior. Seeing her silent, and hearing him talk was rather nice, even if it only lasted as long as the game. At the end, Shilo's mom was the one with no tiles left, and Shilo won, 40 points ahead of me, with me coming in second.

Shilo had thought I was angry earlier, but he had also taken the time to read the other blog entries, and had finally realized that I was dealing with my own confusion. I'm happy to say that by the time we turned out the lights, Shilo and I were on very good terms.

We were up this morning at the equivalent of about 4AM PST. Neither of us was particularly bright eyed, but we quickly showered and packed. Sunshine was "out" before I finished showering, and she was excitedly talking much of the way to the airport in New Orleans. As traffic slowed into morning rush hour, she fell asleep. When we arrived at the airport, it was me who woke up. Shilo's mom was confused to say the least, but she also has a better idea of the Sunshine/me and how we are.

Anyway, there was lots of hugs and kisses and "I Love you's" exchanged, and I don't feel so sad anymore about my my own mom. I have Shilo's mom now, and she's completely different from my mom, but she has the capacity to love and accept all of me, and that makes it all the more better for me.

I was wheeled through Security and to the Gate, and we both waited for the plane. Strangely enough, Sunshine never came back. Not through the takeoff, the flight or the landing. I even napped on the plane, and I woke up as myself. I was relaxed and at ease the whole time. I held Shilo's hand at both takeoff and landing, but it wasn't my usual death grip of the past. I'm not sure what this means, if anything, but I'm looking forward to my last planned trip by airplane till April this weekend. Being home for a change will be nice.