Thursday Blues

I woke up early today, not really sure why I did, but it seems to happen quite a bit lately. Sherman was already awake also but it's not unusual for him. It just seems lately there's been so much going on, and I only get part of what's going on written down. Perhaps the reasons will be made clearer by what I've decided to share today. Let's start with Wednesday.

We (Shilo, Sherman, Stitch, and myself) had pre-planned to get together for my birthday party on early Wednesday evening. The designated place was Golden Corral because they had cotton candy and ice cream cones, and Sunshine really enjoys that stuff. Maybe that was a mistake, because she wound up hijacking my body, and I did not get to enjoy anything. I understand she also ate quite a few white chocolate covered strawberries. Evidence of that was found in the toilet this morning. I understand that perhaps this is TMI, but it's my blog and I can write what I want to.What I have not mentioned, is that Shilo and I have been hitting quite a few rough spots lately.

By rough spots, I mean that we have not been getting along very well. He has been surly, argumentative, and generally just difficult to get along with. I have put up with it without much argument because it's just easier to deal with it than to fight with him. Unfortunately, late last night I had about enough, and I told him exactly how I was feeling. Well, not exactly, but I did tell him I was not going to go to bed angry. I explained to him at that point what I was angry about at that moment. I also decided I was going to sleep with Stitch instead of Shilo simply because I was so very frustrated with him. My state of mind lately  has been that if I cannot get along with you, whoever you may be, I most certainly am not about to sleep with you, especially if I have a choice in the matter.  I don't like to make those types of decisions, but sometimes I have no choice in the matter. I slept with Stitch, but he was (thankfully) oblivious to my presence.

This morning, I had a rather long discussion with Shilo after everybody left for work. Unfortunately, the discussion only succeeded in frustrating me and didn't really solve anything. Shilo doesn't seem to understand why I'm so upset, or at least it seems that way to me. He's hurting me to the core, and he does not seem to see it. I did manage to find out that he has not been taking his anti-depressants like he's supposed to. My theory is that's part of the problem but not all of it. I even went so far as to tell him if he wants to be in charge, I will willingly hand him the reins simply because I have just had enough. Instead of understanding my frustration, he simply took it as a veiled threat.

This is my life, this is my frustrations. I'd like to say everything was peachy keen or hunky dory but I would be completely lying. Can't lie forever, especially not to myself. I guess I could actually say that at least things are out in the open now, but it doesn't feel any better. I got so frustrated I just ended the conversation without really solving anything. I just wish he understood. I'm sure he will eventually read this anyway. There's no doubt in my mind he will get angry about it too but I really don't care anymore because he's always angry anyway. Please don't take this as me not Loving him, because I Love him with all my heart. If I didn't Love him I wouldn't put up with this. My hope is that things will improve soon. One can always hope. It's time for me to get my Thursday afternoon started, so I will quit here.

Competition

There is none. I say it all the time. Each (male) person fulfills a different aspect of my life, and, in most cases, one cannot substitute or replace the other. The truth is, while there might be some overlapping skill sets, there is no true replacement for the other. Also, there is always room for more. I am able to love each one fully in my own way. One does not and can not take from the other.

Think of it like a household with multiple children. Each one is loved. Nobody goes without. So, what happens when a new child enters the family, and there's jealousy or sibling rivalry? Ideally, this doesn't happen, because each one knows their place and position, but sometimes, even with all the talking and pre-planning it happens. Someone will get an award at school, or someone won't pass the tryouts, and everything will turn upside down due to the extra attention bestowed on one or the other. Each one has different needs at different times. Yes, we want one to be happy for the other one, but sometimes it's hard or downright impossible. Sometimes, even with all the reminders of love someone will feel a twinge of jealousy. Someone will (temporarily) feel insecure. Someone will be overlooked. When that "someone" is you, it's not easy. Even when you are reminded that you are important and special.

I'm far from perfect. I make mistakes. I forget things. I overlook things, and I even step on the feelings of others unintentionally. When does something go from being a "Merry" thing to being a "Merry and Stitch" thing, or a "Merry and Shilo" thing, or a "Family/Household" thing? How do I know this? When our female boarder asks me Tuesday afternoon if everything is okay between me and Shilo because there was no sound of Tuesday morning WMS, how am I supposed to answer that? When and how exactly did that become a Merry and Shilo thing? Or Monday night lasagna dinner with Stitch? Or late night talks with Sherman? There's even the stuff I do exclusively with my female boarder. I separate those things. Those things are definitely "Merry and (insert name here)" things. Other things are still "Merry" things, like the beginning of the month shopping at the 99 cents only store. I mostly do it with Stitch still, but I've done it with Shilo as well. There's the post-dungeon ice cream stop in Rosemead. Also the pre-dungeon dinner in Rosemead that seems to have mostly fallen by the wayside. I never know how things will change and evolve.

So, what do I desire, and how can I get it? I desire clear communication. I can ask for it, but sometimes I don't know how to ask for it. Generally, if something is important to me, I'll tell a person. but unless someone tells me a thing is important to them, I'll place the same importance on it as I do when it relates to me. An example: Cards and celebrations are important to Shilo when it comes to events such as birthdays and (monthly) anniversaries. I used to treat it like it wasn't a big deal, because it wasn't. It took me not giving him a card on his birthday for him to have a meltdown, Once that meltdown took place, and we discussed our different opinions on it, I learned what he expected, and I do my best to get him  a card on our monthly wedding anniversary date, and I will make a big deal on his birthday with a card, because I was told. Stitch doesn't make a big deal on his birthday, so I still keep it low-key. Who knows what types of expectations Sherman has? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

MORAL OF STORY: Plenty of Love to go around. No real competition. Talk about individual needs, desires, and expectations. My mind-reading skills are not as good as everyone thinks they are.

IN CLOSING:  Naptime!

Just An Update

Things are working out well with Sherman. He gets along well with both Stitch and Shilo, and Shilo was the one I was most concerned about, because he had only heard tidbits about Sherman up until he moved in here. It's also feeling more "permanent" because we now have his dog here in addition to his belongings.

Sherman has also proven that he knows his way around the kitchen, and has made dinner for us (Stitch and me, Shilo was working) a few times now. He also cooked while Shilo and I were camping last week. It's nice that I don't need to worry about cooking food in advance for Stitch when Shilo and I are gone. Shilo also took his turn in the kitchen this past week, modifying a meal he made before for us and adding cooked linguica, much to my delight. It's nice to know I don't have to make dinner if I'm not feeling up to it.

About the campout last weekend: I know I barely mentioned it a week ago, and not since. Shilo and I arrived about 15 minutes after it was scheduled to start, and he set up the tent with minimal help from me. He seemed to have an attitude that it was his job, so I let him at it, even though my helping would have saved time. We were the first ones to arrive. I got to see people I only see twice a year or less, and I even saw "Z"! I was dancing with delight to see her. She's had some rough times, and she looks so good! I'm very happy and proud for her. In the early morning hours (about 1 or so) I put Shilo on a spanking bench, and hit his ass with a number of implements. Then I went into the tent so I could receive my orgasm. He did a great job, but was unable to get or maintain an erection so we could engage in intercourse. I wasn't mad, but I was disappointed. The next paragraph will explain why.

Engaging in intercourse with Shilo is indescribable. Yes, he refers to it as "the ol' in and out" referencing "A Clockwork Orange" and I just write it as sex, but it's so much more than that. Because of the length, thickness, and shape of his penis, we have to have intercourse in missionary position. Any other position is painful because of what was left after my hysterectomy. He hits my g-spot every time!!! Washing sheets and/or towels is something I do frequently, and I don't mind a bit, because the sex is so good. I say terrible things, scream, and scratch like a tigress in heat. As incredible as it is for me, and as much as he enjoys it, there is one very unfortunate problem: He rarely reaches a climax. My theory is that he spent too many years masturbating, and it is so different from intercourse that he cannot cum from intercourse. Don't get me wrong, he will occasionally hit that point, but not very often.Yes, he says he enjoys sex with me, there's nothing wrong with me, and he even initiates sex on a regular basis. Unfortunately, the inability to get or maintain an erection lately has been problematic. My solution is in the next paragraph.

I don't like calling this a solution, because it solves nothing, but it seems to work in some evil, twisted way... He used to lock up in chastity to prevent masturbation before he got together with me, and, even after that, I used his chastity device in that manner, plus on other occasions as well. I won't answer for him, but, for me, it's a fetish. I enjoy seeing him locked in etc. a full explanation is here and it explains much better than my sleep deprived brain ever could. So, on Sunday, July 6th, at about 3 in the afternoon, Shilo got locked up in his newest device. It's silicone, and he says it's comfortable. I can't explain the psychology behind it, nor can I even explain what it does to him, but it seems to work. Also, we don't see chastity as a "punishment" so it works quite well, Actually, that's a misnomer. It is a punishment, for me, mostly, because, as stated before, I ENJOY sex with him so much. Yes, I can unlock him whenever I want. It's just that lately I've wanted to be pursued, and so I've not made the first move with anyone. I don't recall the last time I had sex with Stitch (maybe sometime in early June?) and Sherman, while he was "approved" for sex several years ago by Stitch, he hasn't gotten tested, and I don't feel necessarily sexual towards him, and he's still getting used to things here, so while he will hold me and kiss me, he hasn't tried anything, and, well, Shilo is locked up, and he hasn't even offered me an orgasm. so, yes, it tortures me more than anyone.

I thought about masturbating a few days ago to take off "the edge" a little bit, but I'm too tired. It's funny: I am in my house, running around nearly naked with three relatively healthy men, amd not one has even tried to initiate sex, or foreplay, or even just doing something to warm me up to them. I'm horny, but I'm not going to ask. Maybe it's a pride thing. I know that Shilo reads this sometimes, but who knows when, or even if he will use this information against me? (Or maybe for me?) I'm fully aware that he has masturbated while wearing a chastity device in the past, so even that can't or won't stop him. In the meantime, I just suffer in silence.

In other news, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm attending a FemDomme party tonight with Shilo. We will actually celebrate my birthday on the 16th at what Sunshine calls "The cotton candy place." Now I must get my weekend started.

Today

This marks the first time we will go out a a Family with our newest member of the Household (Sherman). I acknowledge that even though he's submissive to me, he is a Dominant, and his "rules" are different. I'm pretty sure he has learned to consult with me before he gets "tangled" with someone, but I will have a talk with him about that later on.

Tonight is the South Bay Munch, and because Sherman has never really gone public, he will have lots to learn. This will also be the first munch in a year that Shilo will be able to attend due to his work schedule. I actually gave Sherman a 30 minute "tutorial" on behavior and other things he needs to know when attending a munch. I reminded him that he needs to find his place here before he even tries to get involved with another woman. I think he understands.

Also, Child #4 is still here, so I will be bringing him along as well. Here's hoping he behaves. Plenty of things to do today, so I'm off!

Current Events: Relationship Shifts

Since sometime in early June, I’ve been seeking a domestic sub/slave to make my household complete. It’s not as easy as it may seem. I have requirements and desires, and finding someone with even a majority of the requirements is nearly impossible. For your entertainment, I’ve attached my ad below:

For a long time, I was not actively looking for another submissive or slave. I am still very happy with my slave (and husband) Shilo, but we have mutually decided that adding another submissive, preferably one willing to do domestic duties would help to make our household complete. Male is preferred, but not an absolute necessity. You do not need to be a masochist, but you must be willing to accept discipline.

I prefer that you are over 35 and able to support yourself. You must be in good health and able to lift 50 pounds. Your height and weight doesn’t matter nearly as much as your personality. Smoking and/or drug use will NOT be tolerated, but I am fine with a light social drinker or cannabis user. You must be responsible and able to do housekeeping and assist with yard work and painting. Driving me places in your vehicle or running occasional errands will also be expected. Live-in is not expected, but occasional overnight stays will be required. My household is clothing optional, so you should ideally be comfortable in your own skin.

The following is preferred:

• Ability to swim
• Willingness to be in chastity while in service to household

The following is non-negotiable:

• Must like both dogs and cats.
• Must be willing and able to provide clean HIV status upon request
• Must be available at least 3 times a week, and also attend any family/household meetings.
• Must be discreet. I don't want my neighbors talking.
• Must have local references. This could be vanilla or perhaps a former Master/Mistress.

Please send all inquiries to (email redacted) Please include experience, references and availability.

I later added the following:

I am not a swinger, and I am very selective when it comes to sexual partners, so even if there is mutual attraction, there is no guarantee that I will have sex with you.

You must be service-oriented and not a brat. I expect once weekly meetings to start, and then an increase if and when you are approved and accepted into my household/Family.

My interests are varied, and I like having people around me who will stimulate my mind.

TO CLARIFY: My hope is to find someone who will eventually be a full-time live in member of my poly Household. Something like this takes time, and I do not want to make the wrong decisions in selecting someone. If you do not live in California already, I will not accept your message.

As anyone can see, my desires are stated clearly. It was only after I added the second part that I began to get replies, and I made between 3 and 5 appointments a day on my available days for interviews. There were the usual cancellations and no-shows along with people who lied about their age (“dust in a suit” was Shilo’s term for one of them) and their experience, including one who adamantly refused to come into the restaurant for his interview. I had given up on meeting people a little over a week ago, but I had a few pre-set interview appointments so I kept them.

Then it happened:

A week ago, in the early evening hours, an old friend/acquaintance from high school that is a Dominant called me, asking if he could visit. I invited him to my home back in October, shortly after I married Shilo and moved in the house. I figured he just finally felt the need to talk. I was wrong. Anyway, I invited him to come over about 3 on Saturday, and I told him I only had a two hour window. He arrived, looking more tired than I’ve ever seen him. When I asked about his daughter, he told me she was living with her mother (!!!) and when I asked what happed to his home, he told me about losing it when he lost his contract. So he was jobless, homeless, and without his daughter. Then he told me his fiancée dumped him too, and he was couch surfing. Not good.

I immediately called a Family meeting and asked if Shilo and Stitch would mind him joining the Household. He had already offered to do the work described above, and explained he had seen my ad on my profile. It was a no-brainer. Both Shilo and Stitch agreed that having him in the Household would be a positive thing, and, because Stitch already knew him, and Shilo trusted my judgment on him, it would be a relatively easy thing. So, my newest addition (Sherman) moved in here 5 days ago. He seems to get along well with everyone else, and he helps out as often as possible. He even accepted discipline today without complaint.

It almost goes without saying that there are adjustments being made. A slight growling and regrouping taking place. Sherman doesn’t seem to understand it, so late last night, when the two of us were alone in the hot tub, I explained about “pack mentality” and that most of the tension, if any, had to do with having another male in the pack, and nobody was really sure where Sherman would wind up (Alpha, Beta, Omega) and, until it was settled, there would be some grumbling. So, then Sherman told me he didn’t want anyone to feel displaced. As much as I tried to explain that it was the natural order of things, the more he resisted the idea. I finally told him that there is no competition between any of them, but until the others accepted that, there was going to be a little tension. I think he finally accepted that. Afterwards, he got in the shower with me and washed my hair, and then I went back to bed with Shilo.

Early this morning, when we were awakened by Stitch at 8, I told Shilo about the hot tub and shampoo, and then, in the afternoon while we were shopping, I told him about the actual hot tub discussion concerning Alpha, Beta, and Omega, and Shilo agreed that it was happening. We agreed that, whether or not he liked it, Sherman would eventually fill one of those roles if he stayed around long enough. I get the idea that Shilo is feeling pretty secure in his role as Alpha, so the real settling will be between Stitch and Sherman for Beta and Omega. As for me, I’m not sure on what will happen with any of them. I just know it’s something they need to settle, and it’s not my place to decide who goes where.

Also, Sherman “met” Sunshine yesterday while we were out with Shilo. Sherman decided that he likes Sunshine, and has quickly become protective of her. I feel this is a good thing, and it makes him even more “acceptable” to Stitch and Shilo. As for Sunshine, she relishes the attention. I’ll give reports on this as needed.

In the meantime, Shilo and I are attending the Kinky Campout at BOD on Saturday, so I’ll be away from the computer for a few days.

One Year Ago Part 2

So, I had confessed my Love to my slave Shilo. He had confessed his Love to me. We both wanted to engage in sex, but I had to obtain clearance, per my agreement with Stitch. I hadn't slept much, and I needed to drive him to work at the ungodly hour of 6, and I had gone to bed at 5. Admittedly, it wasn't my smartest move, but all I had wanted to do was be with Shilo, and, it seemed, Shilo wanted to be with me as well.

So I drove Stitch the 25 miles to work and said nothing. I drove the 25 miles back to Huntington Beach with a heavy heart because I knew I couldn’t not
say anything. It’s just that I didn’t know what to say. This was breaking all the rules I had for submissives/slaves, and even though I had fallen in Love with my collared submissive, I had never crossed into the realm of sex. Yes, I had obtained permission 15 months earlier, but it never actually happened. It isn’t that we didn’t want to, it was more that circumstances prevented us from doing so, and, at that point, our relationship was rapidly falling into ruins. I also knew that I'd be getting an 11AM call from the aforementioned submissive, and, because of our relationship rules, I'd have to discuss it with him as well.

When I got home from the drive, it was 8:30, and I could barely drag my body into bed. I woke up, on instinct, at 10:58, and I waited... and waited... my heartbeat getting ever faster with dread. I wanted Shilo, but I hated the idea of discussing it with others, of having to ask like I was a child, yet, this had been my doing, this asking, so I would stay out of trouble. Apparently, my collared submissive had overslept because the clock went past 11, past 11:15, and 11:30 and Stitch did his daily call at 11:30. I managed to get out that we needed to talk about an important matter on the way home from work, so at least he knew. I hung up the phone and waited. Finally, at noon, the phone rang, and it was the submissive. I explained the best I could, and he gave his blessings. He admitted surprise when I asked, because we were not even really attached at that point, but he understood when I explained. I laid down some more. I don't recall when I spoke to Shilo, but I told him to expect me in the morning. I knew that either way, something was going to happen, whether it was a long talk or sex, I just wasn't sure what. I know I took a nap before I left to get Stitch from work, and I remember being late because I slept too long.

As I finally drove up, Stitch was smiling, and all I could do was wonder how long that smile would last. I sighed, and unlocked the door, and he came in. Stitch is naturally bouncy and talkative, so getting him to quiet down is kind of hard. I finally reminded him that I needed to talk, and he quieted down as I explained what I was feeling, how Shilo felt, and our mutual desire for each other. I reassured him that I would never stop Loving him, and the could take time to think about it. He asked all kinds of questions, and I also reminded him that I could have just made the decision without him, and without his consent, but I felt that being honest was important. An hour after we arrived home, he told me he made his decision, and he told me he approved. 

The next day (a year from today) we began our journey. I think Shilo's version is the best, so you can find it at the link below:

 http://merryslavesdiary.blogspot.com/2013/07/july-2-c-15.html

Anyway, it was beautiful and sweet and gentle, and we've had more happy times than sad in the past year, and that's all that matters. 

I hope we have many more years of Loving each other.

One Year Ago

It's hard to believe, but exactly one year ago, in the early morning hours, Shilo and I were sitting quietly on the couch talking. We had had a really good dinner, watched "Dexter" with Stitch, and it was obvious to the two of us that there was so much more stuff going on between us that wasn't being said. Both of us are just a little socially inept, and more than a little shy, although we had been playing for a month and seen each other in various stages of undress, I had no intentions of getting romantically or sexually involved with him. I had really shut myself off to that months before when we had started talking/emailing each other because he was a smoker.

However, things were different in those early morning hours. We couldn't deny that we were getting closer, and, as much as I fought and resisted it, I could feel myself weakening under his spell. He was sweet, kindhearted, and gentle. Anytime he held me or touched me, it was like I was a fragile flower and he was a butterfly barely missing me as he flew past. He was always tentative. Those eyes... the way he looked at me when I spoke. I swear, there could be a parade passing by with a large band and he wouldn't notice, because his focus was solely on me. Even a blind person could see the Love and adoration. Well, except me. I'll explain. I was going through a rough time, and I had been so focused on my own things that I missed out on the subtle nuances that took place as he began to fall in Love with me. Fortunately, someone had pointed it out to me the week before, and I began paying attention. When I saw that look in his eyes, it melted me. How could I not Love someone who so openly adored me the way he did? That Love turned into Desire. Not like "Oh I want you to fuck me" Desire, more like "I want to please you by giving myself to you" Desire.I felt it, but I fought it. Feeling more and more in Love with him, Desiring to give myself to him, wanting to let go, but being so afraid (yes, afraid) of rejection. Logic says if someone is in Love with you, they will not reject your Love, yet that is what I dreaded, that is what I was afraid of. The more I saw the Love, the more I felt it, and wanted to just let go, and allow him to have all of me.

I admit it, I was high on Love, I was drunk with Desire, and still so afraid and too shy to say or do anything. One a.m; two a.m; three a.m; the time flew, the time stood still. At one point, I could swear I heard our hearts beating. We both spoke at once, words tumbling out at the same time. The fears and desires the same. I believe God and the Angels were our audience, and they were no doubt laughing at our silliness and awkwardness. It was meant to be, and even as we sat there holding each other after our confession, the Desire grew, and we both knew that we needed to be responsible and follow the rules and do what was right, so Shilo went home, and I thought long and hard about how to discuss all this with Stitch and my still collared submissive.

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW----->

Shilo, Happy Anniversary! I Love you more and more each day, each minute, each hour.