What is this anger you speak of, and why do you think that my anger,
if any, is focused on anyone other than myself? I’m a grown-up and
I make my own decisions. Sure, I might consult with Shilo or Stitch,
and my Mentor when he was alive, but the end decision to do something
is my own. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of poor
decisions in the past. I’ll even admit that I’m guilty of poor
decisions in the recent past. Sometimes, I’ll even allow my
emotions to guide my decisions, and love is a pretty powerful
I don’t feel anger. I do feel pain and disappointment, with both
myself and others. How could I have trusted someone with my heart?
Why do I love and trust others at all? Even though I could easily say
there was deceit, the deceit isn’t solely on the other person,
because I deceived myself as well. Probably more than they did. I
wanted to believe that the love was reciprocal. Maybe it was.
Unfortunately, sometimes, love just isn’t enough.
for me, at least, is less about sex and sexual activity than love.
Love is the common denominator. Love is always there. I’m all for
others having as much sex as they want (preferably safely) but love
comes first for me. If I don’t love you, I won’t engage in sexual
intercourse with you. I tell others, and they just don’t get it.
They believe it’s about sex for everyone. That’s fine, it’s
just not for me.
of you reading this might be surprised by what I’m about to write,
mostly because I have remained silent, and I didn’t want to cause
trouble or further heartache for someone, but in the past week, I
have been accused of (in no particular order) overreacting, being
irrational, unreasonable, intentionally causing problems,
backstabbing, telling lies about someone, being mean, being
malicious, not being sex-positive, and dragging someone through the
mud, when the truth was (and has always been) that I have always
spoken about this person in complimentary ways. Telling others how
wonderful, caring, and considerate this person was, and when I was
asked about what happened between us, I’ve only said that it was a
miscommunication, and that we were unable to reach an agreement.
understand now that by using those words against me, it was a
pathetic attempt to cause me to feel guilt. To that, I say “too
late!” I already felt guilty when I realized what a poor decision I
made. Maybe if I had received kindness instead, I wouldn’t be where
I am now.
½ years after it began. It was my decision based on my (now ex)
boyfriend's actions. In a way, he made it easy, in another way, he
ripped me to shreds. I loved him. I still love him, and
many feelings... hurt, betrayed, disrespected, and sadness that the
events leading to the breakup happened. Put simply, he cheated. I
know that some people can't understand how polyamorous people can
cheat, so I will explain:
had an agreement in place. I have my own personal guidelines that
Stitch and I put in place when we first started this journey.
Later, when Shilo entered my life, he agreed to the guidelines. When
I started dating my boyfriend, he agreed to my personal rules
regarding how sexual activity with me is handled as well. Right about
2 years after we started dating, he requested and fulfilled the final
requirement for us to engage in intercourse. There had been kissing,
touching, and oral sex early in the relationship, but no intercourse.
once that final hurdle was passed, I had permission to engage in
intercourse with him. How much, how often is mostly irrelevant. What
is relevant is that as time passed, I realized that we needed
parameters with each other. Negotiations ensued, and our relationship
was good. It was healthy. We saw each other frequently and enjoyed
each other's company.
early August, he asked about becoming fluid bonded(ref:
https://www.verywell.com/fluid-bonding-3132610) with me, but he
wanted me to have a full set of STD tests which includedHSV1,
HSV2, and HPV. I was fine with that, but imagine my horror when my
doctor told me that I would have to see a GYN doctor! Okay, now
you're probably wondering what's so horrible about seeing a GYN
doctor. I have PTSD, and some of that is related to a rape exam I had
when I was raped in July 2004. Just seeing the stirrups causes a
panic attack. Waiting 4 weeks for the appointment was hell, and then
having to drag Shilo with me so he could help me get through the exam
was emotionally exhausting.
I tested negative for everything but HSV1 (cold sore virus) and since
he has HSV1 as well, it was okay. When he fucked the other woman he
started seeing last month, (ref: comments on
it was without a condom, but then he told me that they would be using
a condom with each other after that. I took him at his word. He never
mentioned if or when she was tested.
the meantime, we engaged in unprotected sex early this month. He
never mentioned anything about the other girl, so I assumed it was
okay, and that they were using condoms.
until Saturday (1-13) evening. Shilo was going to the hospital for
tests, and I wanted to attend a party, and since my boyfriend was
attending, he agreed to drive me and have me spend the night. He had
mentioned wanting to "talk" so I was kind of prepared for
less-than-good news. When I asked him what the news was, I realized
that I really wasn't prepared for what I heard.
I heard was "I don't care about our agreement or the health of
Shilo and Stitch, or even you. I've been fucking (girl) without a
condom, and I plan to continue." What he said was "I've
been having sex with (girl) frequently without a condom."
When I asked why, he said "It just happened."
THE EVER-LIVING FUCK???!!!
my thought, but instead I expressed my anger and disappointment at
his irresponsibility and lack of concern for not only my safety but
the safety of my Household, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. In
the meantime, we had arrived at the venue, and I got myself together
the best way I knew how, and said that I wasn't ready to deal with
it. When we walked in, I put on my happy brave face, and talked to a
few people, avoiding my boyfriend, and struggling to keep
actually had one scene planned with a young man, and after
announcements, I played with him for about thirty minutes. Then I
noticed my boyfriend playing with the other girl, and because I
couldn't handle it, I walked into the front office and tried to
regain my rapidly-disappearing composure. One of the leaders who is a
friend asked me if I was okay, and it put me over the edge, and I
stared to cry again.
she heard the story, she said "You aren't going home with him,
are you?" I was at a party in the middle of Orange County, and I
live in Long Beach. What else was I supposed to do?? There
wasn't anyone at the party who lived anywhere near Long Beach, and
most of the people were passing acquaintances at best. One of
the other leaders offered to let me stay overnight with him and his
wife, and I immediately refused because I didn't know him, and had no
clue who his wife was.
my friend vouched for him, and when he offered again, I agreed. I
found my boyfriend, asked him to let me get my medication out of the
car, and then took all my stuff out. He didn't notice. I spent most
of the rest of the evening until the party was over in the office
alternating between crying and regaining my composure. Sometime
during my more composed times, the wife came in, and it turned out
that I did know her. She was happy to have me overnight, so I at
least felt comfortable with the idea.
before the party ended, I told my boyfriend that my friend wanted me
to stay with her so I could help her with some things in the morning,
and when he asked, I told him that I had my stuff. I had sent a text
to Child #2 telling him that I was at a party, and I wasn't going
home with my boyfriend, so I wanted him to have the address of where
I was going to be.
I was back at the home of my wonderful host and hostess, and settled,
I laid down and cried all night. Sleep eluded me. I was so very sad
and miserable, and I knew I had to end it, but taking the advice of
my friend, and another friend I had emailed the night before, I
decided to wait a few days until my head was clear. I didn't want to
react emotionally and lose my composure, and I was really afraid that
I'd be unable to do it.
they drive me home on Sunday afternoon, I had already notified Stitch
by text that I didn't stay overnight with my boyfriend and that I'd
explain when I got home. I burst into tears again as I told Stitch
and Shilo what happened. I was fully expecting an "I
told you so" from Shilo, and instead he comforted me and held
me, and gently undressed me, set up my CPAP, and tucked me in bed.
was just so very sad, and I cried whenever I was awake. On Monday
evening, my boyfriend sent me an email saying he was ready to talk
when I was, and I suggested a text on Tuesday evening.
Tuesday came, he wanted to talk on the phone, but I realized that no
matter how composed I thought I was, that I'd be unable to talk on
the phone without losing it. So I insisted on text. Two hours and
fifteen minutes later, it was over.
never did accept responsibility for his behavior, stating that he did
nothing wrong, and insisting that my tears and
questions was not only overreacting, but irrational as well! Again I
THE EVER-LIVING FUCK???!!!
like my eyes were finally opened, and I realized that he was
completely oblivious to the pain he caused, and I was being
gaslighted besides. That is a painful truth for me. It took him
breaking our agreement for me to finally see the ugly painful truth.
tears me apart most right now is that I still love him,
but I Love myself more, and I have to do what's best for me and my
only final thought is that even though it's over, we were able to
communicate, and other that that one HUGE whatever (I really don't
know what to call it) our relationship was strong, and I feel it was
a successful polyamory relationship, and I'm not discouraged from
trying again, but right now, I just want to focus on enriching
existing relationships with friends and acquaintances and not rush
into another relationship. That can wait until my heart and emotions