Friday, August 3, 2018

Thoughts From A Hospital Room (8-3-18)

I slept well last night. I guess after having sat in the ER for so long, without food, I was pretty well tired by the time they put Shilo in a hospital room at around 1:30. Keeping in mind that I need to take care of myself, I made a point to eat lunch before I left him alone so I could go take a nap. I visited last night as well, and spent an hour just talking to him.

I woke up about 7 this morning, and was at the hospital by 8. I stopped at the cafeteria to get breakfast, and just as I was finishing up, the ER doctor from yesterday and the echocardiogram technician showed up. Currently, I'm watching that echocardiogram being done. It's rather fascinating; not only is he taking pictures of the heart but also it shows the beat of the heart like an EKG would. Shilo needs to be cleared by the Cardiologist before he can be sent home.

Honestly, I'm just glad that he's feeling better.  I'm really hoping there's nothing wrong and that he can come home.  The echocardiogram technician said that his heart looks good, that the cardiologist has to decide if he's good enough to go home. More information as I get it.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Late August 2, 2018 Post

Shilo came home from work at about 7:30 this morning,  and looked pale, like death warmed over, and he climbed into bed, and told me he wasn't feeling well.

When I asked him what was wring, he said "Chest pain, and it's hard to breathe." I immediately got up, dressed myself and assisted him in getting dressed and drove him to the closest hospital. After several hours of assessments, they decided because of his age (almost 62) and other health issues, that they were going to keep him overnight for observation, but by the time he was admitted, it was past 1PM.

I've had a particularly long day as well, so I'm keeping this short.  He's feeling better than he was, and he's on a heart monitor. I will add an update tomorrow once I know something.


Saturday, March 17, 2018

::Thinking:: (3-17-18)

Numbered, but in no particular order of importance...

1. I seem to be incapable of staying angry or upset, or even hold a grudge for very long. I "blame" it on my belief system. Forgiving (but not forgetting) is how I handle most things. Sure, I need a "cooling off" period where I will cut off all communication so I can heal, but once that's over, I can allow that person into my life in small doses, but I rarely, if ever, invite them back. I also treat them with caution so I don't get hurt again.  I don't believe in blaming a person, even if they did something wrong, choosing instead to start over.

My only exception is my oldest, who I cut off a year ago in hopes that he would straighten out his life. (tough love) I purposely avoid speaking to him.

2. I've really enjoyed my time of self-reflection, and I'm happy to share that I really believe my decision to focus on current friendships/relationships instead of looking for something new was a great idea. I still haven't gotten to all of my tertiaries (people I rarely see, but love with all my heart) but I'm working on it. The best thing has come out of this decision... I've discovered how much I really love and care for someone, and it really makes me feel good, because I wasn't looking for it at all. It has truly surprised me on a very good way, because it was so unlikely. I want this (and really all) my relationships to form without pressure.

3. I'm learning more about myself, and probably the best thing I learned is that even though I'm polyamorous (I'm capable of loving more than one person) and pansexual (I'm attracted to the person, not the gender) I'm also demisexual. (I have to love the person and feel attached before I can even think of being sexual with them) It's really put things into focus for me, and suddenly everything makes sense. Understanding my attachments and why they are the way they are means I will have better control in the future in the sense that I can avoid bad relationship habits.

4. As a result of all of the above, I've had some intense "conversations" with Shilo, and I'm hoping that it will result in better communication with him. If nothing else, at least I know what questions to ask when he turns quiet and how to better solve our problems. Also, before anyone comes at me to say they never have problems, I call bullshit. In any  healthy relationship, there are times when one will disagree with the other person. That's when talking about feelings comes in handy. If I've learned anything, it's that just because I'm the one with the authority, it doesn't mean I should arbitrarily decide on something without consulting with the rest of the Household. Changes are much easier if everyone is on board in advance. Avoiding a mutiny is always a wise idea.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

My Anger? (1-21-18)

Really???!!! What is this anger you speak of, and why do you think that my anger, if any, is focused on anyone other than myself? I’m a grown-up and I make my own decisions. Sure, I might consult with Shilo or Stitch, and my Mentor when he was alive, but the end decision to do something is my own. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of poor decisions in the past. I’ll even admit that I’m guilty of poor decisions in the recent past. Sometimes, I’ll even allow my emotions to guide my decisions, and love is a pretty powerful emotion.

No, I don’t feel anger. I do feel pain and disappointment, with both myself and others. How could I have trusted someone with my heart? Why do I love and trust others at all? Even though I could easily say there was deceit, the deceit isn’t solely on the other person, because I deceived myself as well. Probably more than they did. I wanted to believe that the love was reciprocal. Maybe it was. Unfortunately, sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

Polyamory, for me, at least, is less about sex and sexual activity than love. Love is the common denominator. Love is always there. I’m all for others having as much sex as they want (preferably safely) but love comes first for me. If I don’t love you, I won’t engage in sexual intercourse with you. I tell others, and they just don’t get it. They believe it’s about sex for everyone. That’s fine, it’s just not for me.

Those of you reading this might be surprised by what I’m about to write, mostly because I have remained silent, and I didn’t want to cause trouble or further heartache for someone, but in the past week, I have been accused of (in no particular order) overreacting, being irrational, unreasonable, intentionally causing problems, backstabbing, telling lies about someone, being mean, being malicious, not being sex-positive, and dragging someone through the mud, when the truth was (and has always been) that I have always spoken about this person in complimentary ways. Telling others how wonderful, caring, and considerate this person was, and when I was asked about what happened between us, I’ve only said that it was a miscommunication, and that we were unable to reach an agreement.

I understand now that by using those words against me, it was a pathetic attempt to cause me to feel guilt. To that, I say “too late!” I already felt guilty when I realized what a poor decision I made. Maybe if I had received kindness instead, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

Regrets? Here is my answer to that:

Thursday, January 18, 2018

The Aftermath

It's over. 

3 ½ years after it began. It was my decision based on my (now ex) boyfriend's actions. In a way, he made it easy, in another way, he ripped me to shreds. I loved him. I still love him, and it hurts.

So many feelings... hurt, betrayed, disrespected, and sadness that the events leading to the breakup happened. Put simply, he cheated. I know that some people can't understand how polyamorous people can cheat, so I will explain:

We had an agreement in place. I have my own personal guidelines that Stitch and I put in place when we first started this journey.  Later, when Shilo entered my life, he agreed to the guidelines. When I started dating my boyfriend, he agreed to my personal rules regarding how sexual activity with me is handled as well. Right about 2 years after we started dating, he requested and fulfilled the final requirement for us to engage in intercourse. There had been kissing, touching, and oral sex early in the relationship, but no intercourse.

Anyway, once that final hurdle was passed, I had permission to engage in intercourse with him. How much, how often is mostly irrelevant. What is relevant is that as time passed, I realized that we needed parameters with each other. Negotiations ensued, and our relationship was good. It was healthy. We saw each other frequently and enjoyed each other's company.

In early August, he asked about becoming fluid bonded(ref:  with me, but he wanted me to have a  full set of STD tests which includedHSV1, HSV2, and HPV. I was fine with that, but imagine my horror when my doctor told me that I would have to see a GYN doctor! Okay, now you're probably wondering what's so horrible about seeing a GYN doctor. I have PTSD, and some of that is related to a rape exam I had when I was raped in July 2004. Just seeing the stirrups causes a panic attack. Waiting 4 weeks for the appointment was hell, and then having to drag Shilo with me so he could help me get through the exam was emotionally exhausting.

Naturally, I tested negative for everything but HSV1 (cold sore virus) and since he has HSV1 as well, it was okay. When he fucked the other woman he started seeing last month, (ref: comments on  it was without a condom, but then he told me that they would be using a condom with each other after that. I took him at his word. He never mentioned if or when she was tested.

In the meantime, we engaged in unprotected sex early this month. He never mentioned anything about the other girl, so I assumed it was okay, and that they were using condoms.


Well, until Saturday (1-13) evening. Shilo was going to the hospital for tests, and I wanted to attend a party, and since my boyfriend was attending, he agreed to drive me and have me spend the night. He had mentioned wanting to "talk" so I was kind of prepared for less-than-good news. When I asked him what the news was, I realized that I really wasn't prepared for what I heard.

What I heard was "I don't care about our agreement or the health of Shilo and Stitch, or even you. I've been fucking (girl) without a condom, and I plan to continue." What he said was "I've been having sex with (girl) frequently without a condom."  When I asked why, he said "It just happened."


Was my thought, but instead I expressed my anger and disappointment at his irresponsibility and lack of concern for not only my safety but the safety of my Household, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. In the meantime, we had arrived at the venue, and I got myself together the best way I knew how, and said that I wasn't ready to deal with it. When we walked in, I put on my happy brave face, and talked to a few people, avoiding my boyfriend, and  struggling to keep myself together. 

I actually had one scene planned with a young man, and after announcements, I played with him for about thirty minutes. Then I noticed my boyfriend playing with the other girl, and because I couldn't handle it, I walked into the front office and tried to regain my rapidly-disappearing composure. One of the leaders who is a friend asked me if I was okay, and it put me over the edge, and I stared to cry again.

When she heard the story, she said "You aren't going home with him, are you?" I was at a party in the middle of Orange County, and I live in Long Beach. What else was I supposed to do??  There wasn't anyone at the party who lived anywhere near Long Beach, and most of the people were passing acquaintances at best.  One of the other leaders offered to let me stay overnight with him and his wife, and I immediately refused because I didn't know him, and had no clue who his wife was.

Fortunately, my friend vouched for him, and when he offered again, I agreed. I found my boyfriend, asked him to let me get my medication out of the car, and then took all my stuff out. He didn't notice. I spent most of the rest of the evening until the party was over in the office alternating between crying and regaining my composure. Sometime during my more composed times, the wife came in, and it turned out that I did know her. She was happy to have me overnight, so I at least felt comfortable with the idea. 

Just before the party ended, I told my boyfriend that my friend wanted me to stay with her so I could help her with some things in the morning, and when he asked, I told him that I had my stuff. I had sent a text to Child #2 telling him that I was at a party, and I wasn't going home with my boyfriend, so I wanted him to have the address of where I was going to be.

Once I was back at the home of my wonderful host and hostess, and settled, I laid down and cried all night. Sleep eluded me. I was so very sad and miserable, and I knew I had to end it, but taking the advice of my friend, and another friend I had emailed the night before, I decided to wait a few days until my head was clear. I didn't want to react emotionally and lose my composure, and I was really afraid that I'd be unable to do it. 

When they drive me home on Sunday afternoon, I had already notified Stitch by text that I didn't stay overnight with my boyfriend and that I'd explain when I got home. I burst into tears again as I told Stitch and Shilo what happened.  I was fully expecting an  "I told you so" from Shilo, and instead he comforted me and held me, and gently undressed me, set up my CPAP, and tucked me in bed.

I was just so very sad, and I cried whenever I was awake. On Monday evening, my boyfriend sent me an email saying he was ready to talk when I was, and I suggested a text on Tuesday evening. 

When Tuesday came, he wanted to talk on the phone, but I realized that no matter how composed I thought I was, that I'd be unable to talk on the phone without losing it. So I insisted on text. Two hours and fifteen minutes later, it was over.

He never did accept responsibility for his behavior, stating that he did nothing wrong, and insisting that my tears and questions was not only overreacting, but irrational as well! Again I say


It's like my eyes were finally opened, and I realized that he was completely oblivious to the pain he caused, and I was being gaslighted besides. That is a painful truth for me. It took him breaking our agreement for me to finally see the ugly painful truth.

What tears me apart most right now is that I  still love him, but I Love myself more, and I have to do what's best for me and my Household.

My only final thought is that even though it's over, we were able to communicate, and other that that one HUGE whatever (I really don't know what to call it) our relationship was strong, and I feel it was a successful polyamory relationship, and I'm not discouraged from trying again, but right now, I just want to focus on enriching existing relationships with friends and acquaintances and not rush into another relationship. That can wait until my heart and emotions are stronger.


Thursday, December 28, 2017

Processing (12-28-2017)

Don’t mind me. I’m just sitting here at my desk thinking about recent events. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about things, only… 
Well, only in this particular case, there are others who have asked about my feelings, and even some who are concerned enough to want to reassure me. Between you, (the reader) me, and the lamppost, I’m glad for the reassurances even though I don’t need them. It proves to me that I really am cared for, and that my feelings (mostly positive, as opposed to negative, but undecided) matter. Having my feelings matter is important, and a very big thing for me.

I won’t lie: Yesterday, there was a (very) brief moment where a voice told me that I didn’t have a choice in the matter, and that might be true in a way, but what it didn’t say (and never says) is that I’m not any less important just because of the changes. I know where I stand. I know my place, I know my history, and I recognize my importance. What makes all this (my feelings and the events) funny is that I’ve had this conversation with both Stitch and Shilo at one point or another, regarding them and their status with me. The tables have turned a bit. The only difference is that I’m not left wondering why I can’t be “enough” because I know that reason. I have also known for a long time that something like this was going to happen eventually.

“Just coffee, “Just a meeting,” “Just a play date,” “Maybe a sub,” “WOW!” I’m familiar with those phrases. I’m also familiar with “How do you feel about,” “Do you like,” and “I’m thinking about.” I’ve always voiced my opinion since my meltdown in June of this year. It was very “unlike me” to do that, but I was also taken seriously because I’ve never done that before, and I probably will never do it again. It was that meltdown that opened the door to the phrases I mentioned earlier in this paragraph.

A few weeks ago, I was given the “How do you feel about” in reference to more than one person for various reasons. I replied positively about most, but I also expressed some unease about a situation and gave various reasons why, including that I hate to see or hear about someone I love getting disappointed by something or someone. I have reserved the right to say “I told you so” in those matters, but instead I usually get “You were right” and that makes me feel good.

I’m glad I wrote about this. I feel more clear-headed about things now. If someone were to ask me about my feelings, I’d say that I’m okay. I don’t want or need reassurances right now, but if that changes, I promise I’ll say something.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Poly Christmas Thoughts (12-24-2017)

Woke up 4AM couldn't sleep, so here I am. I know it's Christmas Eve, but since Shilo works on Christmas, I'm making Christmas dinner tonight (heaven knows how I'll do it next year!)

Anyway, Christmas dinner tonight, Christmas breakfast tomorrow on Christmas day. My son Babyman is with me, and he'll visit his dad's side of the family with Jonathan (who is feeling better) tomorrow. (Thank you for the prayers)

In the meantime, I've been trying (to no avail) to remember Mom's recipe for Christmas pork, and I even bought the pork and wine yesterday. I've made it a few times over the years when she was alive, and I even made it my first Christmas after marrying Shilo 4 years ago.

I finally went online this morning (since I couldn't sleep) and found a variation of it that was close enough to the original that I've remembered Mom's recipe (gotta buy GARLIC!!!) so I'm really looking forward to eating it with scrambled eggs and orange rolls on Christmas morning. I'm also trying a new (to me) recipe for ham that you make in the crockpot today for dinner. If you're curious, I'm making chili with Stitch on Christmas Day for dinner.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to ALL! Remember, it's not the date on the calendar that counts, it's the spirit in how you celebrate it!

Monday, December 18, 2017

Mister Temperamental

Mister Temperamental is just that. Temperamental.

Mister Temperamental holds things in.

Mister Temperamental becomes sullen when he is angry.

Mister Temperamental holds grudges.

Mister Temperamental wants what he wants when he wants it.

Mister Temperamental probably thinks this is about him.

Mister Temperamental misunderstands things and blows up.

Mister Temperamental can be a know-it-all.

Mister Temperamental can be sweet and loving when he isn't temperamental.

Mister Temperamental unintentionally burns bridges.

Mister Temperamental is really insecure.

Mister Temperamental is NOT a bad person.

Mister Temperamental is unhappy, but he's not sure why.

Mister Temperamental wants everyone else to be miserable as well.

Mister Temperamental has many wonderful qualities that others can't see.

Mister Temperamental is sometimes offensive.

Mister Temperamental will defend the honor of those he Loves.

Mister Temperamental isn't one person, he is many, and some are a she.

Mister Temperamental is ALL of us at one time or another.

How many of you see yourself in this?

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Can't Do It

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and normally, I get through it with lots of fluids, plenty of rest, and what my former Therapist (Peter Pan)  called my "secret weapon." A really great antidepressant that has minimal side effects.  Unfortunately, it's not working as well as I hoped this month, and I'm not feeling anywhere close to my best. Add that Shilo is fighting his own demons, and it multiplies.

It's making for a less-than-happy December, and if you add that December 21 will make 5 years since my Mother died unexpectedly, I'm beginning to wonder if I will get through this month without becoming a sobbing incoherent mess that hides in bed all day and night.

I'm not incapable of happy moments, and I never completely give up. After all, as the saying goes: "The Show Must Go On," and I will do my very best to do so. It's just that it's becoming a bigger and bigger struggle to do it, and I sometimes worry that it will overtake me.  The good news is that as long as I struggle and worry about it, my mental health is okay. It's when I completely give up and give in that things become dangerous. I have never given up. I just have to muddle through this the best I know how.

I am very fortunate and thankful to have Shilo and Stitch by my side, and Donna as my support animal. She really does help, even though sometimes I wish she would give me more space.
  (Donna in space)

Maybe I need a pleasant distraction. Maybe I have too much time on my hands, and finding something to do for someone else will help. Anyway, I'm up for suggestions.

Thank you for reading this.


Sunday, November 19, 2017

For Anyone New Here

I don't post all the time. In fact, I'm easily distracted (SQUIRREL!) and sometimes I just feel there's nothing interesting to write, although I'm pretty sure a reader or two would argue otherwise.

So, in order to fill my desire to write, and understanding that I have the occasional writer's block, here's an invitation:

I invite anyone reading this to ask me anything, and I will either give a short explanation (not desirable) or I will write a long explanation (more desirable) or if you want a story, just ask. I'd prefer personal-type questions, but feel free to challenge me (Daddy W used to do that to me, and I would curse under my breath as I researched things) but just ask.

My only request is that if posting Anonymously, please give me a nickname so I can use it in my answer.

Thank you!

Thursday, November 9, 2017

(Almost) 5 Months Post Polyamory Agreement and Other Events.

I know, I rarely post here, but I figured it was time for me to update on my boyfriend (Mike) and how our relationship is going post agreement.

Mike has had several starts and stops with female subs, including one I was excited about finally meeting. He used the "L" word (Love) with her, and she panicked and ended it. Apparently she wanted just sex, in spite of claiming that she was polyamorous. Not a good match!

For most of July (and part of August) before he went back to school (He's in his second year of Law School at a college in OC) his communication was sporadic, and I knew he had lots of things on his mind, so I didn't make an issue about it, choosing instead to initiate conversation and not complaining. That first Saturday after school started, we were texting back and forth, and he was telling me that weekend homework was bad enough, but doing laundry in the tiny apartment washers and taking his bedding to the cleaners because of the tiny washers was killing him. A light bulb went on in my head.  I said "Honey, that's just too much! How about if I help you? You can drop off your laundry here and pick it up at your convenience? I have a HUGE washer and dryer." He hesitated, but I added "Nobody will complain."  I just viewed it as an additional way to see him at least twice a week, and he would have to communicate with me on a regular basis. 

It's worked out really well. Sometimes it's a quick drop off and pickup, and other times he plans a nice date with me on the drop off day. On the Sunday before Halloween he took me to Magic Mountain with him! I've been eating delicious vegan food as well, because when he takes me out, it's always vegan. He said he doesn't mind me eating meat, but I enjoy the adventure of trying new things. I have only had one bad experience with vegan food, and it was when he made vegan pizza for me. Pizza isn't my favorite food to begin with, so after that, I just told him that pizza and I don't get along very well.

We were texting back and forth Tuesday (11-7) afternoon, and he mentioned how happy he was with our relationship. Then I dropped the bomb that I was thisclose to ending things with him before we made a formal agreement because I was feeling like I was just an option to him, and not a priority at all. He would  rarely contact me, and our dates (when we had them) were rushed and/or he was distracted. Now when we go out, he's always as focused on me as much as I'm focused on him. He holds my hand when we cross the street, and he smiles and laughs. It's just really good to be in that space with him.

In other news, the submissive I was "considering" considering wasn't communicating with me very often, in spite of my encouragement. It was frustrating, and it reached a boiling point when at noon the day before my Magic Mountain trip, he sent me a message asking me why I didn't tell him where we were going that evening. I told him we weren't going anywhere because he never bothered to contact me about buying tickets, so I made plans to sit at home and watch shows that were accumulating on my DVR. I gave him a few days to think that over, and then I made a last-minute dinner date with him, and then asked him to join us (Shilo and myself) in attending a dungeon party. During that date, I reminded him that maintaining our relationship was his responsibility because I'm not going to pursue him. I told him that yes, I was very interested in him, but I need to feel desired, and if I'm the one to always make contact, then something is lacking. It's gotten better since that talk last week and our dungeon date went well. I sent him a text yesterday afternoon asking him if he was free this weekend, and he was very enthusiastic.

Friday (11-10) is Shilo's Birthday (he'll be 61!) and we haven't made any definite plans because he's been sick this week. 

Finally, my honesty about who I am and what I do, and how I live seems to be paying off, even in "Lake Vanilla" AKA Vanilla dating sites (OKC) I've been ignoring my stuff there for a few months, but I got a very nice detailed message last week from a recent NY transplant. I quizzed him on my profile content and his opinion on it, and I suggested that he ask me anything he isn't sure about. We had a late lunch yesterday, and he's genuinely nice. Not holding my breath, but having someone who who only wants to go out with no expectations is a breath of fresh air.

If you're curious about my dating profile, you can find it below:

Thursday, October 12, 2017

For My Loving Stalker

You! You know who you are. You were so shy and timid when we met. Apologizing for everything to the point where you made me crazy. You told me all about your hopes and desires. Then one day, without warning, you disappeared.

Maybe a year later, I received a one word text:
It was you! We went back and forth again, and you disappeared once more. Never to return (or so I thought)

Then, about a week ago, I received the following email:

Hi Mistress Merry, 
It has been awhile. I hope you haven't forgotten me. We met awhile back like 2014.
I ran into your musings blog and found them very insightful.
I wanted to see how you were doing you.  Hope you, Shilo and Stitch are doing great.
Miss you.
I replied back:
2014? That was a lifetime ago! I can barely remember what I had for dinner last week. 

Please don't take it personally. I just don't recall meeting a (name redacted). Maybe you could tell me where we met, and hopefully it will jog my memory. 

Everyone in my Household is well, and thank you for asking. There's been a few changes, but most of them are good. 

Then you wrote back and gave me the missing details. I was happy, proud even, because not once did you apologize. I felt you had gained some maturity. I even mentioned it. Then, at one point during our back and forth, you did it. You apologized! To me! Because I was slow in responding, and you thought you had offended me!

An undeserved or unnecessary apology is probably the most offensive thing you could offer or say to me. A well-deserved apology is always appreciated, but I will tell you when one is necessary. I prefer blunt honesty, because while it might hurt at the moment, in the long run, it's helpful. 

You will be held responsible for what you say or do, and even if you do the wrong thing, an apology isn't necessarily in order, but an acknowledgement of the misdeed is.
I prefer to dole out discipline over hearing an apology, but I will occasionally expect both. To make things easier for everyone, I have a few points to share with you. Read them, and understand them.
The following is a Fet Blog entry read it and understand it:
I'm a Dominant. That means that, like it or not, I get to decide if I want you around me, my Household, my Pack, my chosen Family. It means, in my Household, at least, I get to choose your position. Are you an Alpha male? Well, I get to decide that. Trying to find my favor and usurping authority does not go over well. My Household has a hierarchy. You can be Beta, Omega, or somewhere in between, but I chose the Alpha male. He has earned that spot.
If or when I invite you to be a part of my Household, I will give you my rules for all household members. I will be patient and kind in explaining what I expect, and how I want things done. I will correct you the first few times you make an error, but I will expect you to remember them. I might even go behind you and do things the way I want them done. I expect you to notice and learn. I expect no argument as to why you think your way is better. In fact, arguing will not be tolerated. Discussions are welcome.

I do my best to be fair and equal and I give options whenever possible. Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. Do not, even for a moment, think you will get away with shit. I keep track. I listen, and I know. I have a breaking point, and you will have time to get your shit in order. I might surprise you, but it's only because you didn't listen or heed the warnings that were liberally given.

Don't point fingers at the others. Don't disrespect them. They have the same rules as you. Let this serve as a warning to those who follow your footsteps. It's too late for one, but there will be others, and they will be wise to learn from your mistakes.

And here is yet another helpful blog entry from Fet:

A Lesson
Early in a relationship, I will often assign small tasks to complete with a 24 or 48 hour deadline. Most of them are writing related, and something anyone can complete in about an hour. (Unless you type like me, then it's a 3 hour struggle) When I make this politely stated request, it is a DEMAND. I expect it to be done within that deadline. There are no excuses, no negotiating. I want it done.

New subs often freak out, and over-think these assignments because they want to make a perfect presentation. The truth is, I don't expect a perfect presentation. I don't even want a perfect presentation. I want to see the flaws. I want to see the imperfections. I want to see them as they really are, and not some college-level paper.

I won't tell a sub this, because I want to see how they process the request. I want to see if they can follow simple directions and what happens when I give them something low-pressure that might appear to be high pressure. I want to see if they will simply do as they are told, or make excuses. I want to "separate the wheat from the chaff." These things are what shows me if a submissive is ready to serve me, or is self-serving.

The Truth is, I don't want to see anyone fail with me, because then it becomes my fault. My failure. It means I made the error of choosing someone incapable of serving me.

Please understand: I know I'm imperfect and I make mistakes. I'm human, I get it! However, I have made so many terrible, nay, horrible decisions regarding people (mostly men) in my life that it's cringe-worthy. It's why I made all these rules regarding my polyamory practices. It's to save me from myself. It's to prevent an upheaval of the people closest to me. My Pack, my Family, my Household has the people most important to me. They are the ones who are most affected by my decisions, whether they are good or bad. They are the ones who get hurt more than me in those instances. I don't want to spend any more time repairing those relationships. So... after my last (HUGE) mistake, I'm making sure that I carefully screen the ones I allow to get close to me.

So, those requests with deadlines? If you want to serve me, if you want to 'prove' you're ready to be my submissive, get them done by the deadline, because if you don't, or you try to negotiate this non-negotiable thing, all you will do is end what could be a wonderful thing, and prove that you aren't ready to be my submissive. CHOOSE WISELY!

And, Finally, this one:

Note To A Submissive Male

Soo... I somehow managed to charm you in some way, and you find me to be delightful. I appreciate that, I really do, but it always catches me by surprise, and I find myself wondering “Why me? There's nothing special about me. After all, I'm just myself.” I guess me being me is a good thing, although I often find myself comparing myself to others. You know.. the younger prettier ones with their nice bodies, firm breasts and perfect asses. I was like them once, a very long time ago. I guess age and experience trumps a young pretty face. Maybe I possess that undefinable 'it factor.' Maybe I need to stop worrying about it, and just enjoy it. Either way, you want me, and I have you. Now I just have to enjoy you.

I could tell you I'm not like the others, but you already know that. I could tell you I'm not for everybody, that I'm an acquired taste, but you know that too. I could tell you I'll twist your mind, turn you inside out, and make you dependent on me, but I honestly believe that is what you're secretly hoping for. So, what's my secret? There is none. I'll look you in the eye and tell you about myself, show you my flaws, and pour myself out to you. I'll tell you the painful truth, and I'll expect the same from you.

I will push you and take you places you never imagined. I will show you my complete self, and I won't apologize for being me, but I will apologize for my mistakes, and, trust me, I make mistakes. I learn from them too. I have rules, I prefer that you follow them, and don't push my patience level. I have a low tolerance for brats. Even so, I don't let go and release people easily. I'm not good at ending things. Don't try me, don't push me. You won't like me if you do.

You will never be my 'one and only' but you are my only you, and I like you like that. Don't try to be someone else. Try not to be jealous of Shilo or Stitch. They live with me, They see me at my worst. They've taken care of me when I was sick and unbearable. Ask yourself if that's what you want. It's true, you will eventually witness me in a bad state, but there's no need to rush into it.

I will tell you as much as I know at any given time, but believe me when I tell you that it's not everything. I am unable to remember it all, so when I casually mention something you never heard me say before, don't be surprised or hurt. Instead, chalk it up to my faulty memory. I'll never purposely hide something from you. I have nothing to hide.

Maybe some time in the future, I'll allow you into my life completely, but in the meantime, please enjoy me, Ask me questions and learn from me, but don't challenge me unless you want a way out. Know that I'm writing this so you'll know. Try to be happy, and don't over-think things.

The adventure awaits you!

Now, my dear Loving Stalker, Do you understand what is necessary, and do you think you're up for it?