Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Competition?

It's Something I Learned A Long Time Ago :
 
No matter how "perfect" or "great" you think you are, there will always be someone who is younger, thinner, richer, prettier, or smarter than you are. You won't always be the center of attention, so learn to live with it.


The above doesn't mean you give up and become a shrinking violet, it means that you accept that fact, and make yourself memorable, hopefully in a positive way. It means that you might have to make more of an effort in some way, but if a person is worth being with and having in your life, they are worth that effort. Just remember that it's not a competition, and some people just want the next big thing, the newer, flashier model. Don't sell yourself out. Know your value. Realize that You have Value! You are worth it, even if you are tossed aside by someone because they prefer a newer flashier model, or even an older, more established model. This goes no matter what your age or gender.
 
I had several discussions yesterday regarding making an effort. Making the effort to let the other person know that they are valued. Telling me "I Love you" is nice, and I appreciate it, but your actions tell me so much more. The way you look at me when I enter a room, your touch, the effort you make to be with me, remembering the things I like, and being willing to show me your vulnerabilities. Showing that you trust me, but that's me. Maybe your needs are different. Talking about those needs.
 
Resting on one's laurels is a dangerous thing to do. Just because you have your "prize" today does not guarantee that you will always have them, and if you don't treat them like they are important to you, or stop putting forth effort and having the mindset of "Now that I have you, I can relax and let myself go to shit, and ignore you." you will have a hard lesson to learn.
 
I don't necessarily view myself as a "prize," but apparently there are a few people who feel I am, and I might occasionally wonder about their taste, I know that I can't neglect them because I'm so special that they are irresistibly drawn to me. No, I do my best to do things to show them that I value them as well, whether it's remembering their favorite music or food, or dressing a certain way. It doesn't require much effort. They do the same for me, and it makes the both of us happy.
 
Shilo is making the effort to relearn those things about me now that he's retired and at home. He's making a conscious effort to do things because for the longest time, he was so busy with work that he didn't have time. Now time is a more flexible yet fleeting thing, and he's making it count. He notices things more often and understands me in a way he never did. It's almost like our early days before we got married almost six years ago.
 
Where was I? Well, I'm not where I planned on going, but I rarely am. Time to refocus.
 
I could easily make myself crazy with jealousy over all those people who have what I don't, but I have a not-so-secret secret. It's not a competition. I don't have to compete with that pretty young thing with perfect hair and makeup and mani-pedi's. Sure, she might occasionally get the attention that I want (and think I need) but I have something she doesn't have. I've been 'tested,' and anyone with a decent amount of maturity (and I'm not talking about age) knows that there's nothing quite as nice as going someplace where your comfort comes first. Your own bed, your "special" chair, those shoes that make you feel like like you're walking on air, and being fed what you like. The whole "There's No Place Like Home" feeling.
 
Know your value. I know mine.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYMscILUZAw


Tuesday, February 5, 2019

For My Husband Shilo

I have so much to tell you, and the words often escape me. These are things I want you to know, and I know that some of it might be painful, but you deserve to know what's in my heart and on my mind.

When I tell you "I Love you," it means that I Love and accept all of you. The good stuff, the bad stuff, and even the ugly stuff.  Right now, there's lots of bad and ugly stuff.  Because I Love all of you, it means I will stay with you no matter what.  I made a promise and a commitment to you, just like I did with Stitch.  It doesn't mean that I'll never get angry or frustrated, but it does mean that I won't desert you. Going out with friends and other people isn't deserting you. It is me taking care of myself so I have the strength to be here when it really counts. It wouldn't be fair of me to put undue pressure on you or Stitch. I need somewhere and someone I can go to talk to about what I'm feeling and and to remove some of the pressure I'm feeling. Someone who isn't involved with you. Someone to reassure me. Expressing my fears and concerns about you allows me to give you the Merry you know and and love.

I understand that you now have regrets and second thoughts concerning my relationship with "Master B." In my defense, I gave you several outs before I made my commitment to him. I asked you many times, and gave you opportunities to tell me that you didn't approve. The last thing I wanted to do was cause you pain. Even after I realized it would hurt me, I gave you an out, but you insisted that you were okay. I took you at your word. Then I made my commitment, believing that I had your approval. You know my beliefs concerning promises and commitments. I can not and will not go back on my word.

Very early on, before you got involved with me, I explained my polyamory to you.  I even explained how I feel about promises and commitment. That has not changed, and it will not change. You agreed, understanding that I promised you that I would not end things or desert you.  I have kept to that.

I was and still am physically and sexually attracted you.  I Love you, you have so many wonderful things about you, and I really couldn't imagine my life without you. I don't know how much more I can express this to you. The idea that the cancer could take you away is frightening, and my worst nightmare.

I know that it troubles you that Stitch doesn't feel threatened by "Master B" and he has been very supportive about it. I wish it was the same for you, but I can't change your mind. However, I know that you like logic and facts, so I will toss some your way. As always, I am being completely transparent.

I do not feel that "Master B"  is physically attractive. Or, at least, he isn't to me. However, he spent hours listening to me talk, and he knows exactly what pushes my "feel good" buttons. He doesn't have to even touch me to get me "there." All it takes is a few choice words said just the right way, and I am "girl goo." He also knows what things he can do to me to have an immediate effect on me. He enjoys having that power over me, and I won't lie, I like it as well. He also is a sadomasochist, so I will often Top him much to my delight.

I don't think he will ever engage in penetrative sex with me, not that it matters. He prefers the whole "tease and denial" of forced multiple orgasms. He enjoys pushing my masochistic limits more than the forced orgasms. My attachment to him is purely emotional. Yes, I Love him, but I Love him in much the same way I Loved "Daddy W."  This is not a real threat to you.

His love for me is based on his ability to please me in unconventional ways.  I don't make demands on him, nor do I argue with him. We feed each other's emotional needs. He constantly reminds me that as much as he loves me, he would never want to take me away from you. His responsibility is to his wife, and I know she is reassured by that fact.  She has said that she owes me a debt of gratitude, because I brought him back to life by being an inspiration to him.  He is no longer angry and moping.  He is pleasant to be around.

As for me, I feel he makes me more pleasant as well. I'm actually less likely to argue with you. He is a positive influence on me, and he takes me places that would be cost prohibitive for us. He is the dating version of the "Disneyland Dad." He spoils me rotten. and when I come home to you, I feel like all my burdens have been lifted. I can tell him what I'm feeling, even the horrible stuff, and he doesn't judge it.  He is my cheerleader, and he wants me to be happy.

Speaking of Disneyland, I know that my new relationship with Trish is something that might have you concerned.  I want to reassure you that she wants to be a help to me and provide emotional support. I told her very early on that her timing wasn't the best, and she understands her place in my life. I will maintain transparency with you.

This isn't everything I wanted to tell you, but it's all the words I remembered. What it boils down to is that I am your wife and I will always Love you, no matter what, and nobody can stop that.

With Love,
Your Wife Merry














Tuesday, January 29, 2019

No Nice Way To Say It

I know my last post (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2019/01/something-on-my-mind.html) came across as ominous and a bit cryptic. I want to apologize if I unnerved anyone. it's been a difficult past few months full of "Hurry up and wait" combined with even more hurry up and wait, and it's not getting better anytime soon.

Long story short, my husband, Shilo, has aggressive prostate cancer. The diagnosis received this past Friday (1-25) was not a shock. Some of the other things we were told were.

Because this is supposed to be a kink blog, and because I wanted to keep things separate, please feel free to visit my other blog at:
https://alostwifesjourney.blogspot.com/

I will write updates as I get them, and try to maintain it as best as possible.  Of course, I'll be here as well when I can, but we all know that I write irregularly at best (some things never change)

I will do my best to answer any questions there, but please be aware that there is a whole lot of things we don't know until we are told.

Thank you!
Merry

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Something On My Mind

Let me start off by saying that I am okay. Yes, I have had the cold from hell for nearly three weeks, but it is getting better.

However, the thought that nobody gets out of here alive has been on my mind. Mortality. Every one of us will die one day. It's unpredictable. A crapshoot. I've watched healthy people die, while their sickly counterpart lived on. It happens. I for one, never imagined that I would get old. I figured that I would die young. Yes, these days, I still feel young, but I'm still much older than I ever imagined I would be.

I will say that I am at peace with myself. I don't fear my own death. I haven't ever since that incident in December 2016.(https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2016/12/i-cant-feel-my-face-12-28-16.html) Still, I'm in no rush to leave this world. I have plenty of reasons to live, even on my crappy days. What I do fear is the death and loss of others, and how it will affect me. I guess it's a common enough worry.  I remind myself that I have made it through rough spots already, but it leaves me with little comfort.

Sometimes I fear being old and alone more than anything. Silly, I know, but if I had the choice, I would like to go with Shilo and Stitch. All three of us, gone together. Let my kids deal with it. It's the epitome of laziness. Once I'm dead, who cares if all my kinks are discovered? They know about the polyamory, so I doubt anything will shock them.

Forgiveness.  Being able to forgive yourself and others. I can do that. Forgive others. Easy. I don't hold grudges.  If someone did something that horrible, it's on them to make it right. If I forgive them, even if they never ask, it's on them to deal with the guilt. Apologizing is easy as well for me.  I prefer a clear conscience. It makes it easier on me. Forgiving myself can be difficult at times but I do it. I have so many shortcomings, so it's hard for me to deal with it at times, but I do pretty well.

I get angry and I talk about it. Again, mortality. I want to keep that clear conscience. Holding on to it only hurts me.  Strangely enough, religion has nothing to do with it. It's case of morality for me. A personal belief system.  When I apologize for a wrongdoing, it's sincere. Morality and mortality.  Both are important to me.

Chances. I want to give people a chance to make things right. It's always my hope and desire that they do so. Life is unpredictable and often too short. No matter how long we live, I'm pretty sure that we feel like we have so much more to do or say.

Sometimes I think about the movie "Forrest Gump." On recalling the death of his friend Bubba, he said "If I'd known this would be the last time we'd talk I'd have thought of something better to say." It's funny how we always focus on the last words of the deceased, when the focus should probably be the last thing we tell them. Forrest is right. If I knew someone was dying, what would I say to them? Once a person is dead, you can't ask them to forgive you, can you? Likewise, the dead person can't ask you to forgive them either. 

My poor ex-boyfriend from a year ago (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-aftermath.html) has told others that I am bitter because I don't want to see him or have anything to do with him. He doesn't understand that I forgave him for his actions a long time ago, and that I don't want to see him or deal with him because it would only cause those wounds to reopen. I may be a masochist, but I'm not that type of masochist. No, I prefer to heal completely from emotional wounds.

I know I'm rambling. I needed to clear my head. So just in case this is the last time you read me, or it's the last time I write, please know that you are appreciated by me .





Friday, December 14, 2018

Quick Post

When I think about where I was 11 months ago, and now, I'm honestly surprised.  Shilo might read this, but because it's not really a secret, I figure why not? I wrote some about what's been happening back in September (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2018/09/whats-really-been-going-on.html) and, other than that, I've been pretty quiet.

So let me take you all back a little further. He (my Master) discussed collaring me in mid-July, and at that time, I had a theoretical conversation with both Shilo and Stitch about it.  Probably because Stitch as been around so long, he enthusiastically supported it, and Shilo was much less enthusiastic, but said he was okay with it.

I didn't bring it up with them again, knowing that December was far off, and that would be the soonest my Master and I could go to an event that sold collars, but I had looked at several online, and decided that because I have metal allergies, anodized aluminum chainmail would work best.

In the meantime, there has been some health issues with Shilo, and we have been practicing "The Show Must Go On" mantra. In other words, don't allow situations stop us from living, and we got some answers on the morning of November 30th, and Stitch and myself already had plans to go away that weekend. Me with my Master, him with my Master's wife.  I swear, it's not as kinky as it sounds. So the following day was the event we had been waiting for, and I was presented with what I feel is a lovely collar.


 See how happy I look? Well, I realize that Shilo isn't too wild about surprises, so I sent him a more somber looking picture of myself in the collar (Deleted because it was just that ugly) on Sunday morning and he was less than happy about it.  When I came home Sunday night, he was at work, but we managed to have a rational discussion, where I agreed that if it ever bothered him, he would be allowed to remove it, but he must be willing to put it on me whenever I ask. He later told me that his choice was to treat it like a necklace. So far, in the nearly 2 weeks since I've had it, he has not chosen to remove it. I removed it once, about a week ago when I retouched the purple in my hair, and I figured out how to put it back on.

It's loose enough that I don't feel choked by it, and it has just enough weight that I can feel it most days,  Laying on my back is a bit of a problem, because even though it's not tight, it "feels" tight, because the excess goes to the back. It's all in my mind, I know it's not tight, but I will sometimes have a brief moment of panic. So, other than that, life is going on as best as can be expected.

I am also seeing a transgender woman on a casual basis, and we have a rather interesting backstory, but that's for another day.













Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Picture For Halloween

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

My Costume: 




Yeah, I cut off my head (or most of it!)

 

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Needs

Originally on my Fetlife Page.

Specifically emotional needs. We all have them. I'm learning that ignoring them isn't good, and it adds to my pain. This is an attempt to put it all in one place because I really am a scattered person, and if I don't anchor soon, I will be swallowed by the crashing waves.

It would be easy to say I need Love. The problem for me is that I view Love as an umbrella. It's what you see, but it covers so many things, and I'm more inclined to break it down into bite size pieces. This is my attempt to break it down. In no particular order.


Touch: I'm not talking sex. Better a hug that makes me feel safe. Touching my hands, arms, shoulders and face. (with permission of course, unless we're close) The one thing this year has taught me is that I'm touch starved. It took a horrible breakup and new relationship with someone that sees right through me to make this clear. The first time I heard it, I wanted to fight, I wanted to argue, and call him a liar. He may be a lot of things, but he's not a liar, and he was right. Thanks to him, I'm no longer in starvation mode, but I can say that I'm still hungry.


Understanding: Really listening to my words, body language, and verbal cues. Reading between the lines. I'm very expressive. Yes, I've had people tell me that I "speak in parables" but it's my understanding that Jesus spoke in parables so only the ones meant to understand would. I couldn't be more clear right now.


Affection: Yes, touch is a part of it, but only a small part. Words also play a part in this. Not only in what is said, but how it is said. While my vocabulary hasn't increased in volume that much, I will say that there are words that "soften" me now that didn't before. It's all in the tone and usage. Experimenting and using those words on me has the same effect as a reward in my brain. The positive effect leaves me feeling good. Still, it's easy to "break" me.


Communication: Talk to me. Tell me what you are feeling, and also how I can make things better, whether it's just listening, a hug, or even assistance in problem-solving. I know that I prefer to just be heard, but if there's a different way you want a response let me know. My preferences (in order) are face-to-face, phone, email, notes and text. I have to really like/love you to text. Mostly because an actual conversation is faster. I do have a few people who I actually dread reading their texts. Please don't be "that person."


Comfort: This is another complex thing. It comes in many flavors. Touch, words, food, even a look from across a room or a table. That look of recognition, the sometimes shy smile. Looks like that can melt me in an instant. The nonverbal 'conversations' that only we understand. Sometimes just knowing what it means will keep me warm.


Kindness: Being cruel is so easy, but being kind in the face of difficulty takes only a little more effort. Smiling instead of frowning, trying to show some compassion, offering to help, and actually doing it. That last one can be as easy as making a specific offer, or even asking. No, I don't need any help. I just thought I'd add it because it's a good thing to keep in mind for others.


Routine: Okay, I'll admit it: I live a very unscheduled life, but planned activities and outings keep me feeling adjusted. Knowing that unless the world ends, or there's an emergency, or I'm sick, I'll be having dinner with some friends every Friday night is comforting. That's just one example, but it's a good one.


Honesty: Yes, even the "hurtful" things. The unadulterated unedited truth. My closest relationships are based on it. Does that dress look ugly on me? Tell me! I don't want to go out wearing it if it's unflattering. Especially if we are close, I expect feedback. Mostly though, I want to know what's on your mind, why you feel how you feel, and if you can tell me what you really did last week with that mystery person. I'll give it back to you as well.

What I Don't Need

Criticism: Especially if it doesn't come with specific ways to make things better. My desire is to be a positive influence and be helpful. (It doesn't mean I'm subservient at all. It's just how I am)


Extended Silence: I don't mean quiet time. I enjoy my quiet time. I mean a complete lack of communication. It plays on my abandonment issues.


Anger: Specifically, unresolved anger. Talking about what is causing the anger and working out a solution, agreeing to disagree, or using mediation is better. Sometimes there is no solution, but deciding how to handle those things is important.


Abandonment: Whether "ghosting," disappearing for extended periods, or just not trying to work with me. Better to just tell me so I can work it out in my head. Yes, I know that things come to an end, but discussing things liker adults make it so much easier.


Abuse: Whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical. Need I say more?
I'll stop here. I think it covers the important (to me) stuff.


Thank you for reading this. Thank you also to the people (members of my extended polycule) who inspired me to write this.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Wanting To Share My Story

But oh-so-unwilling to cause my loving Husband Shilo any pain while he processes his feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Both needs are equally important to me right now. Any suggestions?


In the meantime, I leave you with this thought:

We write to taste life twice

― Ana├»s Nin (1903-1977)

Saturday, September 22, 2018

What's REALLY been going on

I will start by saying that while Shilo is completely aware of what has been going on; or, at least as much as he wants to know, 2018 has definitely been a year of change for me, and it has taken me in a very unexpected direction. It's not necessarily bad, but it has, on occasion caused an upheaval within my Household, particularly when it comes to my husband Shilo. He has requested that I not discuss details with him, and so, Shilo, if you happen to be reading this, I ask that you stop now unless you have changed your mind regarding knowing details. Thank you my Husband, I Love you with all my heart.

Okay, for those of you left, it's no secret that my online presence has been sporadic for the past 6 months. Yes, I read you, but my replies, if any, rarely occur on the publishing date. Long story short, I've been away at least one weekend a month, and even when I'm home, I'm preoccupied.


So, What Is It Merry?

 

 

That would require us to go back quite a bit. If you go back to July 2017 through January 2018, you'll have a pretty clear view of how a really good polyamorous relationship can turn to shit in the blink of an eye. I was forced to learn to Love myself more, and when my ego took such a hard blow, and I was falling apart emotionally, I felt unlovable, and it was a struggle to get my head together. I simply wanted to hide and never attend another event ever again.  If it wasn't for my female friend helping me that fateful night in January (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-aftermath.html) my life would no doubt be a disaster right now. Instead, thanks to her insight, I am in a very happy relationship with her husband! I didn't stutter, Yes, on that night, she suggested that I "try out" a toy with her husband! Her husband didn't interest me at all, but the toy (a Sybian) did. They didn't have it that night, and they were both sick in February and March, so when April arrived, I went to the Munch they host, and talked to them about bringing it to the next dungeon party.

She suggested that I negotiate the scene with her husband before the party by email, so I spent 2 weeks emailing back and forth with her husband. At this point, I should mention that they are a Dominant/Dominant couple, and my interest was simply trying something I've always wanted to do. I should also mention that, yes, I am a Sadist, but I do have a masochistic side to me, and sometimes, it presents itself in the most unusual way.

Finally, the night arrived, and Shilo went with me so he could drive. It was the last time he set foot in a dungeon. He had told me the week before that he was no longer interested in a FLR-DD relationship, and he had no interest in funishment either. I wasn't concerned about it, because I figured I'd have the forced orgasm scene with my friend's husband, go home, and just forget about BDSM for a while. After all, I was still having issues from my accident, and we hadn't done much since my recovery anyway. No real loss, I thought.  (There I go thinking again!) The scene went okay, but I was a bit too intimidated by the noise and people, so I couldn't completely "let go" but I had quite a few quiet orgasms. I was definitely worked up, and I went over to hug him in thanks, and he whacked my ass with his big bear paw hands. It was enough to flip a switch in my brain. Let's say that I was hooked, but I didn't know it yet. I was giggling and having fun. Then I saw his face. He was smiling! Laughing, even! In all my time knowing him, he was serious and standoffish.  I guess a switch flipped for him as well.

I didn't even realize that we had chemistry at that moment, but it was developing, and within the course of a month, he won my heart. My friend, his wife, was happy until she saw the change. What change? Well, let's just say that while I'm no less a Dominant/Mistress in my household, I became increasingly submissive (dare I say, slavish?) towards her husband. In fact, I am his slave. What can I say? It crept up on me, and as my Love for him has increased, I've become even more devoted to him in that way. While Stitch (my long-term Partner) is thrilled, Shilo has done his best to be happy for me, but it's been a struggle for him to watch. Knowing that not only have I become a slave to this man, but I'm in Love with him, and because he doesn't want the details, his imagination is carrying him into some heavy-duty scenarios. I could reassure Shilo that there's been no intercourse (yet) and that there's very little (if any) spanking me involved, but I doubt that will completely reassure him. Besides, he refuses to listen to any details. All he knows is that we are really into each other, and I spend at least one weekend a month with him (and his wife, although there's nothing going on between her and myself. ::shudders::) plus I see him every Friday night for a few hours.

So... Here I am, a full time Dominant, Mistress and slave. It's not nearly as contradictory as it sounds, and I have found a balance and Peace of mind beyond what I ever imagined.

So, now that you are all armed with that information, feel free to ask any questions.

Friday, August 3, 2018

Thoughts From A Hospital Room (8-3-18)

I slept well last night. I guess after having sat in the ER for so long, without food, I was pretty well tired by the time they put Shilo in a hospital room at around 1:30. Keeping in mind that I need to take care of myself, I made a point to eat lunch before I left him alone so I could go take a nap. I visited last night as well, and spent an hour just talking to him.

I woke up about 7 this morning, and was at the hospital by 8. I stopped at the cafeteria to get breakfast, and just as I was finishing up, the ER doctor from yesterday and the echocardiogram technician showed up. Currently, I'm watching that echocardiogram being done. It's rather fascinating; not only is he taking pictures of the heart but also it shows the beat of the heart like an EKG would. Shilo needs to be cleared by the Cardiologist before he can be sent home.

Honestly, I'm just glad that he's feeling better.  I'm really hoping there's nothing wrong and that he can come home.  The echocardiogram technician said that his heart looks good, that the cardiologist has to decide if he's good enough to go home. More information as I get it.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Late August 2, 2018 Post

Shilo came home from work at about 7:30 this morning,  and looked pale, like death warmed over, and he climbed into bed, and told me he wasn't feeling well.

When I asked him what was wring, he said "Chest pain, and it's hard to breathe." I immediately got up, dressed myself and assisted him in getting dressed and drove him to the closest hospital. After several hours of assessments, they decided because of his age (almost 62) and other health issues, that they were going to keep him overnight for observation, but by the time he was admitted, it was past 1PM.

I've had a particularly long day as well, so I'm keeping this short.  He's feeling better than he was, and he's on a heart monitor. I will add an update tomorrow once I know something.


Merry

Saturday, March 17, 2018

::Thinking:: (3-17-18)

Numbered, but in no particular order of importance...

1. I seem to be incapable of staying angry or upset, or even hold a grudge for very long. I "blame" it on my belief system. Forgiving (but not forgetting) is how I handle most things. Sure, I need a "cooling off" period where I will cut off all communication so I can heal, but once that's over, I can allow that person into my life in small doses, but I rarely, if ever, invite them back. I also treat them with caution so I don't get hurt again.  I don't believe in blaming a person, even if they did something wrong, choosing instead to start over.

My only exception is my oldest, who I cut off a year ago in hopes that he would straighten out his life. (tough love) I purposely avoid speaking to him.

2. I've really enjoyed my time of self-reflection, and I'm happy to share that I really believe my decision to focus on current friendships/relationships instead of looking for something new was a great idea. I still haven't gotten to all of my tertiaries (people I rarely see, but love with all my heart) but I'm working on it. The best thing has come out of this decision... I've discovered how much I really love and care for someone, and it really makes me feel good, because I wasn't looking for it at all. It has truly surprised me on a very good way, because it was so unlikely. I want this (and really all) my relationships to form without pressure.

3. I'm learning more about myself, and probably the best thing I learned is that even though I'm polyamorous (I'm capable of loving more than one person) and pansexual (I'm attracted to the person, not the gender) I'm also demisexual. (I have to love the person and feel attached before I can even think of being sexual with them) It's really put things into focus for me, and suddenly everything makes sense. Understanding my attachments and why they are the way they are means I will have better control in the future in the sense that I can avoid bad relationship habits.

4. As a result of all of the above, I've had some intense "conversations" with Shilo, and I'm hoping that it will result in better communication with him. If nothing else, at least I know what questions to ask when he turns quiet and how to better solve our problems. Also, before anyone comes at me to say they never have problems, I call bullshit. In any  healthy relationship, there are times when one will disagree with the other person. That's when talking about feelings comes in handy. If I've learned anything, it's that just because I'm the one with the authority, it doesn't mean I should arbitrarily decide on something without consulting with the rest of the Household. Changes are much easier if everyone is on board in advance. Avoiding a mutiny is always a wise idea.


Sunday, January 21, 2018

My Anger? (1-21-18)


Really???!!! What is this anger you speak of, and why do you think that my anger, if any, is focused on anyone other than myself? I’m a grown-up and I make my own decisions. Sure, I might consult with Shilo or Stitch, and my Mentor when he was alive, but the end decision to do something is my own. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of poor decisions in the past. I’ll even admit that I’m guilty of poor decisions in the recent past. Sometimes, I’ll even allow my emotions to guide my decisions, and love is a pretty powerful emotion.

No, I don’t feel anger. I do feel pain and disappointment, with both myself and others. How could I have trusted someone with my heart? Why do I love and trust others at all? Even though I could easily say there was deceit, the deceit isn’t solely on the other person, because I deceived myself as well. Probably more than they did. I wanted to believe that the love was reciprocal. Maybe it was. Unfortunately, sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

Polyamory, for me, at least, is less about sex and sexual activity than love. Love is the common denominator. Love is always there. I’m all for others having as much sex as they want (preferably safely) but love comes first for me. If I don’t love you, I won’t engage in sexual intercourse with you. I tell others, and they just don’t get it. They believe it’s about sex for everyone. That’s fine, it’s just not for me.

Those of you reading this might be surprised by what I’m about to write, mostly because I have remained silent, and I didn’t want to cause trouble or further heartache for someone, but in the past week, I have been accused of (in no particular order) overreacting, being irrational, unreasonable, intentionally causing problems, backstabbing, telling lies about someone, being mean, being malicious, not being sex-positive, and dragging someone through the mud, when the truth was (and has always been) that I have always spoken about this person in complimentary ways. Telling others how wonderful, caring, and considerate this person was, and when I was asked about what happened between us, I’ve only said that it was a miscommunication, and that we were unable to reach an agreement.

I understand now that by using those words against me, it was a pathetic attempt to cause me to feel guilt. To that, I say “too late!” I already felt guilty when I realized what a poor decision I made. Maybe if I had received kindness instead, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

Regrets? Here is my answer to that:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwk0Sh3id4w