Monday, May 22, 2017

101 Mostly Irrelevant Questions and Answers

The stuff people ask me! I'll put an updated set of questions in the comments area.

1.) When's your birthday?
July 13

2.) What's your sign?
Slippery When Wet. Oh, you mean astrological? Cancer, the crab

3.) What's​ your favorite color?
Black, although many would argue that black isn’t a color. Let’s go with pink and blue shades, also lavender

4.) What's your favorite season?

5.) Where are you from?
Born in Southern California

6.) Where do you currently live?
Long Beach, CA

7.) How old are you?
Old enough. (55)

8.) What is your gender?

9.) What is your sexual orientation?
Whenever possible! I’m very selective, but gender had little to do with it.

10.) What is your favorite bodily asset?
My eyes.

11.) Who's your favorite superhero?
I don’t think I ever had one.

12.) When was the last time that you had sex?
A long while ago. Given the choice, I’d have sex at least once a week

13.) What is your favorite position?
Depends on what’s being done and by whom.

14.) What is your biggest sexual fantasy?
Currently? Engaging in intercourse with one of my Partners.

15.) What type of music do you listen to?
I have an eclectic taste in music. I dislike bluegrass and electronica.

16.) Who are five of your favorite musical artists?
Not answering with the names, but at least one is Heavy metal at least one is a rap artist, at least one started as a boy band from the 1960’s, and one is a female who started in the 1980’s. None of them is Cher.

17.) What are five of your favorite musical albums?
Dark Side of the Moon
Disney’s Classics (produced in 1980?)
Bat out of Hell
The Anthology of Bread
(None of the above were mentioned in #16)

18.) What type of movies/TV shows do you watch?
I don’t have a “type”

19.) Who are five of your favorite actors & actresses?
Sandra Bullock
Samuel L Jackson
Jack Nicholson
Morgan Freeman
Helen Mirren
Uma Thurman

20.) Who are three of your favorite directors?
Quentin Tarantino
Kevin Smith
I don’t have a third at the moment

21.) What are some of your hobbies?
Napping and cooking large meals.

22.) What type of underwear do you prefer to wear?

23.) Do you have any tats and/or piercings? If so, how many and where at?
Yes to both. I even have a scarification piece. At one point I had about 30 piercings. Most have been retired.

24.) What is your favorite pastime?
Reading books. I mean REAL books, not those e-book things.

25.) What do you like to do for fun?
You mean besides my hobbies and my favorite pastime? Writing.

26.) What are five qualities that you look for in a significant other and/or friend?
The ability to laugh at one’s self and me
A positive attitude

27.) What is your life's motto?
I have two.
Anything worth having is worth waiting for.
Life is too short to hold grudges

28.) What are five words or/and phrases that would describe you?
Childlike, but NOT childish.
Honest to a fault.
Warm hearted.
Quiet on the outside.

29.) What are some of your fears/phobias?
Heights, takeoffs and landings on planes (I’m fine once I’m off the ground) Abandonment.

30.) Are you a sexual person?

31.) What are some of your pet peeves?
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors.
Improper use of contractions (Should of instead of Should have or Should’ve)
Improper use of They’re, Their, or There
using (‘) when unnecessary (EX: tattoo’s instead of tattoos)
Text speak
Mangled usage of the English language
Penis pictures as avatars
Multiple selfies in a profile.

32.) Where are your hot spots?
Wifi or other?

33.) What is your relationship status at this moment?
Married and Polyamorous. Mistress with a slave and submissive. I have other partners as well. Open to more.

34.) Do you have any kids?
All grown up! (thank goodness!)

35.) Do you have any pets (animals)?

36.) What is the most sexual adventurous thing you've done thus far?
I’ll never tell

37.) Do you have a college degree?

38.) Are you currently in school (college or high school)?

39.) What is/was/will be your major & minor?

40.) What is your life's dream?
I’m living it most days.

41.) What is your dream career?
I’ve done it. (Nursing)

42.) What is your dream car?
Ford F150 (So fun to drive, but impractical for me)

43.) Do you prefer to give or receive oral, more?
I prefer receiving, but will gladly give in many circumstances.

44.) What is your stance on public display of affection?
Depends on the type and how public.

45.) What is your favorite kind of meal?
The ones I don’t have to cook.
Broccoli is my favorite vegetable followed by brussels sprouts

46.) What is your favorite dessert?
Depends on the occasion. It usually involves chocolate.

47.) What is your favorite bodily asset on another person?
The eyes.

48.) What are some of your best qualities (both physical and nonphysical)?
I mentioned them on #10 and #28

49.) What is your spirit animal?
I usually get wolf, but also cat. A little of both.

50.) Are you religious? If so what's your religion?
I’m not overly religious anymore, but I consider myself to be Christian.

51.) If you were a superhero/villain, what would be your name and your super powers (up to four choices)?
I wouldn’t want to be a superhero or villain, but the ability to fly and/or instantly travel to wherever I want would be nice

52.) Who are your top four favorite comedians?
Not sharing that.

53.) What is the superhero film in your opinion?
Your question makes no sense.

54.) Who is the best Batman and Joker? (Yes, Conroy and Hamill count)
The Originals. Adam West as Batman and Cesar Romero as Joker

55.) What is your favorite childhood animated movie?
The Jungle Book

56.) What age did you lose your virginity?

57.) What are four things that you consider yourself good at?
Ask me later about the other 2

58.) Are you a morning or night person?

59.) Do you masturbate? If so, when was the last time you did?
Rarely (as in less than once a year)

60.) What are some of your "vanilla" interests?
Look at #21 and #24

61.) What is something that you like but you shouldn't?
Can’t think of anything right now.

62.) Are you ticklish?

63.) Who is the worst director/actor/actress in your opinion?
Meg Ryan

64.) Do you like to dance?

65.) Do you like to go out or are you a homebody?
Homebody, but I enjoy myself when I do go out.

66.) Who is the best James Bond in your opinion?
I dislike ALL James Bond movies.

67.) What are you wearing right now?

68.) Who is/are your celebrity bae(s)?
I don’t understand the question. English please?

69.) Do you smoke and/or drink?

70.) Which do you prefer crayons, markers, or color pencils?
Sunshine likes crayons. So do I.

71.) Do you prefer showers or baths?
To get clean? Showers.

72.) Have you ever cheated and/or been cheated on?

73.) What are three of your bad habits?
Correcting others in regards to question #31
Being impatient

74.) What is your nickname?
Merry, Sunshine, or Merry Sunshine

75.) What is the best pick up line you've heard or/and used?

76.) What do you wear to sleep?
Nothing, unless it’s cold.

77.) Are you into being​ romantic?
Not really

78.) What is the first thing people notice about you?
I’ve been told it’s my eyes and/or my smile

79.) What is your stance on anal and rimming?
Whatever makes the person happy.

80.) What is your turn up/get hype song?
I have more than one.

81.) What song do you always play when you are sad?
I don’t

82.) What is your favorite animal?
Domestic or wild?

83.) Who's better, Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Tony Jaa, Donnie Yen, or Jet Li?
I enjoy Jackie Chan the most.

84.) What is/was your longest relationship?
About 15 years so far

85.) Have you ever had a one night stand? If so, when was the last time?

86.) Who are your favorite male and female pornstar​s?
I don’t really watch porn.

87.) How do you usually wait before you fuck someone?
I don’t have a “usual” amount of time. The shortest was a week after we met. The longest was after 2 ½ years of dating.

88.) What is the last new thing that you tried?
I went to a new restaurant last month. I had corn chowder the first time a week ago.

89.) What was/is your favorite subject in school?

90.) What is one thing that absolutely will turn you on everytime?
Biting (giving)

91.) Have you ever sent nudes and/or sexted someone? If so, when was the last time?
Over 3 years ago.

92.) Are you superstitious?
A little

93.) What is your favorite number?

94.) Where is your dream location to live?
I don’t have one.

95.) Do you workout?

96.) What do you do in order to relax?
Play video games or watching movies usually send me to Lala land

97.) Do you have any allergies?

98.) What are the top three things that you find unattractive?
Poor hygiene
Lack of manners

99.) Should we converse with one another after you've answered this?
Only if you want

100.) Do you think that you can turn me on?
I might be able to.

101.) Will you add me as a friend?
I don’t know you well enough, but feel free to follow me.

Friday, May 19, 2017

The Miracle of An Open Heart

A few days ago, I write about the unexpected death of my friend Tommy. I decided that maybe forgiveness had a place in all this. I unblocked all the people I had blocked on my vanilla Facebook page. I had no idea of they would even bother to contact me, but I had opened my heart to that possibility.

When I did that, I noticed someone who was a former neighbor of mine from when I was married to the father of my children. For reference, I left him 21 years ago. About 10 years ago, this person found me on Facebook, and we would sometimes message back and forth, but this friend got upset because I neglected to put a birthday greeting on their wall in 2011. I had a good reason, but this person went ballistic, so I blocked them.  When I unblocked this person, I checked out their page. I was happy to see that my former friend was doing well.

Today, I went to an inactive social network page of mine, and I found a message request. It was from that former friend I mentioned above. The message was from 2 years ago, apologizing for their actions. There was a phone number attached, so I called from Shilo's phone (blocked) The first time, the person hung up on me. The second time, it went to voicemail, so I left a message,saying I would call back soon.  I waited 15 minutes and tried again, but it went to voicemail, so I replied to the message online. This person apologized again, and I could tell it was sincere. We agreed that I would call sometime over the weekend. I'm happy it turned out this way.

I could leave with that story, but I have another related to forgiving. On early March, I went back on OKC after a 8+ month hiatus. A slightly older gentleman messaged me (In fact, several people messaged me, but this is about this one) His wife had recently died, and he just wanted someone to talk to. We talked on the phone and emailed each other, but I was still having problems with my frozen shoulder, and we (Shilo, Stitch, and Myself) were still trying to find somewhere to move.  I told him that I'd be a few weeks with limited internet, but I would call him on a regular basis, but by the end of March, he stopped calling or replying. I was sad that he didn't bother ending things and just left me hanging, even though I acknowledged to myself that the timing was off. I like closure.

Anyway he called me this afternoon and apologized for disappearing without a goodbye. It turns out he met someone, and they're pretty serious. I guess he thought I'd be upset or disappointed, but I'm happy for him. I even acknowledged that the timing was wrong for me.

I guess I'm two for two, and I feel pretty good about it.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017


In the past week, several people I call friend have died. Friend is not a title I give loosely. You earn that. Yes, there are Facebook friends, Fetlife friends, etc; but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about more than just that. People I've shared secrets with, laughed with, and cried with. People who made a difference in my life. People who never forgot that they were loved by me.

M died due to a blood clot that traveled to her brain. It was sudden, but in the days preceding her death, we (her friends) knew that she was going to die. Hard? Yes. 

Tommy started out as an online acquaintance about 15 years ago that turned into something more. In April 2010, during a cross country road trip, we finally met up. The sparks were real. I met his daughter then as well. If she hadn't been there, more might have happened, but it wasn't to be. I never considered him a "lost love" because we became facebook friends, and would call on a regular basis until my mom died. Still, Facebook kept us in touch. Even when I found out he was a Trump supporter, I kept in touch. We made plans to see each other "soon" because I just knew I'd return to Texas eventually.

An excerpt of our last online conversation is below:

Mary Price You aren't racist or hate-mongering. You just have a different opinion on things.
Obamacare kept my son Jonathan alive when he developed cancer. He would be dead today if it wasn't for the Affordable Care Act. Still, I accept that you have a different opinion.
Now stop yelling about your guns blazing and give Merry a hug. You know you want to.
I'm sure that everything will work out.

May 11 at 8:01am 
Tommy Marling
Tommy  (((Hugs))) love ya hun wish you didnt live so far away you love me for who I am and not for what you want me to be.A true heart you have.Im truly happy that hes doing better I remember the hell you had.Im not saying Obama Care is all bad but I shouldnt have to have 4 hundred bucks taken out of my paycheck because I dont have healthcare either.I can always just go to the VA...

May 11 at 12:23pm

Tommy was found dead in his bedroom Sunday morning (5-14) with a broken neck. All I could get out of his daughter was that it was an accident. I'm heartbroken. Tommy was always helping people, and even when his house burned down a few years ago, he helped out others. He was a giving person. I'm proud to have been his friend, and I'm grateful that I gave him "flowers" while he was living. 

I have a favor to ask: Please remember that we only walk on this earth for a limited time. We don't know when our life might end, or the lives of others. Please don't hold back your feelings. Tell people 'Thank you, I love you, I care' if you feel that way. Share those good happy feelings. Don't be full of regret when it's too late.


Thursday, April 20, 2017

Just For Fun

A dating profile using predictive text:

My name is Merry and I have a choice in who their Daddy is.

My age and experience have more than a little more effort to please you.

I was born in the morning and go to the people who are lazy.

My age is just a reminder that I can get a chance to be a good time.

I am looking for a few days ago and I will be a good time.

I enjoy the rest of the day I get the same as the weaker sex.

My ideal partner is a great way to meet someone and that you are having a sexual activity with a good time.

My turn ons are a woman and being a Dominant Mistress.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Discharge (4-14-17)

I was discharged from PT on March 27th. They told me that they could no longer help me.  Am I 100% "healed?" No, but they felt I was ready to continue on at home. I still need assistance with certain aspects of getting dressed and undressed, and I don't have the "reach" I used to have. I'm not very happy about it either, and I'm debating joining a gym so I can get access to the machines I need so I can get to 100% healed. So, what's holding me back? Transportation, mostly. I'd like to go for about an hour three times a week, and having someone to go with me and/or drive me would make it easier for me to do it.  Shilo's work schedule doesn't allow me to do it without disrupting his sleep.

Doing the math only proved to me that joining a gym would be cheaper as well. Honestly, I'm discouraged about this. I hate being dependent on others, and even though I've come a long way, and I can do most of the things I need to do with minimal assistance, I want to be able to do things like folding sheets on my own and scratching my back without assistance. It would also be nice to not stand on my tiptoes to reach above my head.  It's been 9 months of hell, and I'm  wanting to do things that I haven't been able to do.

I plan on searching for gyms nearby and looking into memberships. Hopefully I'll find something that works for me.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Let's talk about sex

This is being written using my phone, so please forgive any misspelled words or missing ones for that matter.

I know that many people think that polyamory means all sex all the time, and I'm sure there are many polyamorous people who actually have it that way, but I don't know any of them. Also, according to what I've heard, BDSM relationships include plenty of sex as well. Again, I don't know of any personally, so it might just be a fairytale. This is from a woman who is both polyamorous and involved in BDSM.

I have a very healthy sex drive, but I want to be pursued and desired by my partners. It frequently means that I am deprived of sex. This is NOT a complaint, it is a statement of facts. I will also share that when I do get sex, it is more than just satisfying. It is usually worth the wait. Knowing that I am Loved is more important anyway.

I rarely masturbate. It often leaves me feeling unsatisfied. Yes, I have orgasms, but it lacks the intimacy I desire. Sometimes reading things will give me an orgasm. Occasionally, writing things will as well.  Yes, orgasms are easy for me, but it's the intimacy I desire.

I recently had a back and forth discussion you with K.D.Pierre that brought me close to one. THAT was satisfying in more ways than I can explain. So knowing that I received a wonderful "gift" I felt that I was obligated to tell Shilo about it. Lately telling him anything is a waste of breath, so​ I'm hoping that this will help.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

I Deserve To Brag (3-11-17)

In case anyone missed it, we were approved for a lovely apartment in Long Beach about 4 miles from where we currently live. We picked up the keys yesterday afternoon. Then the reality hit me. We don't own any large appliances or furniture other than our beds and TV sets. In the next paragraph, you'll find my report:


Sofa-Bought at IKEA
Futon-Bought at IKEA
Stove/oven-Bought at Sears
Washer-Bought at Sears
Dryer-Bought at OOPS! Not bought!
Silly me! it turns out we need a GAS dryer, and I was about to buy an electric!
Everything gets delivered on Thursday. Well, except the dryer for now, because I have to do research first.
In other news New cable company installs on Sunday (8 days from now)


The Futon was on sale for $90! (reg price $250) and, In fact, I bought EVERYTHING on sale!
On the other hand, my to do list is HUGE!

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

A Pain Management Update

With everything going on I never mentioned this fun fact:

It's been about two weeks, maybe more since I stopped using edibles on a daily basis.

On Friday, February 17th I had my very first cortisone shot ever. I hope to never have a repeat. Remember that it was a desperate move to gain more range of motion (ROM). Shilo held me down as I was being injected and tears were just flowing. I rarely cry out loud. Sunshine will, but only for emotional reasons. It was not pretty. I never looked at the needle or syringe, but I've seen it done before when I was a medic in the USAF and I know the syringe is HUGE. Shilo later told me how surprised/appalled he was when he saw it. I believe he said he'd cry too.

Anyway, it worked!!! My ROM has improved significantly, and a few days after my Monday morning PT, (2-20) I decided to not use any edibles unless I really needed it, or on PT days before the PT, and other than that, only if my pain was at a 3+ (You can refer to my pain chart at: ) I have edibles for when I need them, and I'm happy to say that I'm no longer dependent on pain relief to function.

Yes, I still have days when I need the pain relief, and I take the minimum amount needed (usually 1 stick, rarely 2) and there are times when I want to take it and I'm not really in that much pain, so I don't take any and I "ride" through the pain and discomfort. I really feel the cannabis was helpful in getting me off the opioids when they weren't working anymore, and I was on the verge of addiction or overdosing to get enough relief.

I still have a long way to go on my PT, but I don't feel nearly as hopeless as I did. I'm also "re-training" myself to use my right hand/arm when I can. I still paddle with my left, but I manage to give Shilo a pink bottom with it. I need to start focusing on using my right arm again for that, but I still have some fear with that.

One step at a time.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Solution? Opinions? (3-7-2017)

Donna has always been there for me. Yes, she's a bull terrier mix AKA: A pitbull, but she helps with my SAD and PTSD. People are afraid of her, but I feel it's their problem. Then I discovered the following:

What Is An Emotional Support Animal (ESA)?

An emotional support animal (ESA) is a person's pet that has been prescribed by a person's licensed therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist (any licensed mental health professional). The animal is part of the treatment program for this person and is designed to bring comfort and minimize the negative symptoms of the person's emotional/psychological disability.

What Animals Qualify To Be An ESA?

All domesticated animals may qualify as an ESA (cats, dog, mice, rabbits, birds, snakes, hedgehogs, rats, mini pigs, ferrets, etc.) and they can be any age (young puppies and kittens, too!). These animals do not need any specific task-training because their very presence mitigates the symptoms associated with a person's psychological/emotional disability, unlike a working service dog. The only requirement is that the animal is manageable in public and does not create a nuisance in or around the home setting.

How To Qualify

For a person to legally qualify for an emotional support animal(ESA), he/she must be considered emotionally disabled by a licensed mental health professional (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.), as evidenced by a properly formatted prescription letter. Typically, a medical doctor does not qualify because they are not a licensed mental health professional. Some airlines and property managers will accept a verification form completed by a family doctor, however.

The letter should state that:
1. You are currently his/her patient.
2. Are under his/her care for the treatment of mental disability found in the DSM IV or V (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, version 4 or 5).
3. Your disability substantially limits at least one major life activity.
4. He/she prescribes for you an emotional support animal as a necessary treatment for your mental health.
In addition, the letter must be dated, written on his/her letterhead, include his/her license type, number, date of license, and state in which the license was issued.

What Are Your Legal Protections and Rights?

The Air Carrier Access Act 49 U.S.C. 41705, Dept. of Transportation 14 C.F.R. Part 382, Fair Housing Amendments Act of 1988 are the laws that protect an emotionally disabled person and his/her ESA.
The legal protections an Emotional Support Animal (ESA) has are to:
1. Fly with its emotionally or psychologically disabled handler in the cabin of an aircraft without being charged a pet fee.
2. Qualify for no-pet housing (that also includes limited size, breed, or species housing) without being charged a pet fee.

Housing Rights and Your Service or Emotional Support Animal

If a person is physically impaired (disabled) and has individually trained service dog to perform a major life task that the person has trouble performing for him or herself (or an emotional support animal prescribed by a licensed mental health professional), the Fair Housing Amendments Act of 1988 requires the landlord/property manager to make a reasonable accommodation to their policies and allow the tenant to have an emotional support animal. This includes species, breed, and weight policies.
That means if they have a "cats only" policy, they must accept your service dog. If they have a policy that allows dogs weighing no more than 30 lbs. and your emotional support animal (ESA) weighs 75 lbs., they must make a change in the rules to accommodate you. If they accept all dogs, except pit bulls, and you have a pit bull, they must allow your pit bull to reside with you.

Documentation Required For Emotional Support Animals

The one requirement for a person to legally qualify for an emotional support animal (ESA) is that the person has a letter from a licensed mental health professional (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist -NOT the family doctor) on his/her letterhead that states the person is under his/her care, is emotionally or psychiatrically disabled, and prescribes for the person an emotional support animal. Without this letter, if the person presents an animal as an ESA, he/she is in violation of federal law; an offense punishable by fine and imprisonment, if convicted.

Verification May Be Required By Property Managers

These laws allows a property manager to accept a letter from the tenant's licensed mental health professional (LMHP) for an ESA, but they may also require a verification form to be completed by a physician or LMHP, confirming the tenant's physical/emotional/psychiatric disability. Despite how much the property manager/landlord does NOT want your service dog or emotional support animal, federal law requires him/her to make a reasonable accommodation in the rules. If they do not, they are discriminating against a disabled person and are in violation of federal law. Here is a link to a government document (one of many) that addresses this issue. See the 3rd page, second column):


Examples and Specific Rules

So how do Fair Housing laws apply to real life situations? Here are some examples:
John has been diagnosed with severe depression and is disabled as defined by the Fair Housing Act. His doctor prescribes John a dog to help alleviate some of his symptoms. John asks his landlord if he can have a dog as a reasonable accommodation for his disability. His landlord says yes, but tells John he'll need to pay a $250 pet deposit and must provide proof that the animal is trained.

Question: Did John's landlord correctly handle John's request under the Fair Housing Act? What if John wanted a cat or a ferret instead?

Answer: No, John's landlord did not handle his request correctly. The landlord cannot charge John a pet deposit for his animal because it is not a pet, but rather emotional support animal required for his emotional impairment. Further, the landlord cannot ask for proof that the animal is trained. Lastly, emotional support animals do not have to be just dogs; they can also be other animals, such as cats or ferrets (and many other species).

Landlords cannot:

  • Ask a tenant to pay a deposit, fee, or surcharge in exchange for having a service or emotional support animal, even if they require such a practice from owners who wish to obtain pets in their dwelling.
  • Require that an emotional support animal have any specific training
  • Require the emotional support animal to wear or carry any special collar, harness, vest, emblem, or other means of identifying it as such.
  • Inquire about the extent of the disability, or ask for detailed medical records for the individual requesting the service or emotional support animal.
  • Refuse to accommodate you and your animal because their insurance policy won't allow a species, breed, or weight. They are still subject to the law.
  • A person with a disability may, however, be charged for damages caused to the premises by their emotional support or service animal.
  • A disabled person who does not properly manage his/her unruly, destructive, aggressive, or disturbance causing animal can be evicted.


What To Do When a Property Manager Refuses To Comply

Failure to accommodate a physically or emotionally impaired person is a violation of federal law and can be successfully sued AND the landlord/property manager financially penalized by the U.S. Justice Dept. because it is considered discrimination against a disabled person. Something the government takes seriously.
1. Clients are encouraged to make sure the landlord or property manager are clearly aware of the law and consequences to help them avoid prosecution and punitive damages. Most are in violation simply because they do not know the law. The U.S. Justice Dept. does not consider the property manager's lack of awareness when they prosecute them, however.
2. A client can report the landlord/property manager to the U.S. Justice Dept. and file a complaint for discrimination.
3. A client may sue the landlord/property manager for discrimination.
You'll need to be prepared to reinforce your position and case with supplemental documentation from a physician or mental health professional that verifies your need for the animal.

Done and DONE! Input? Opinions?

Saturday, February 18, 2017

The Time Is Now

I can no longer live my life the way others would want me or expect me to be. Life has ripped the last veil. Stare if you must, laugh even, but it won't change who I am.

Some will have pity and leave. There will be a few who will come and kick me and rip me to shreds, whether for their own enjoyment, or the enjoyment of others. Others, the ones who are truly able to Love me will stay, and sit by me, or even tend to my wounds. Not because of who I am, but because of who they are. Staying by someone when they have nothing left, when their veils have been ripped, their protective shell broken, and all you see is a wounded soft underbelly is Honorable. Loving them is doubly so. I'm still not sure what hurts more. Being the wounded, or caring for the wounded. I know the rewards of both, but I've only experienced one until now. Being on the other side is uncharted territory, and showing my wounds, as ugly as they are, and knowing I'm powerless to heal myself without the time and patience of others has been humbling.

I'd like to think that in spite of the mess I must be, I'm in the healing stage. It doesn't stop people from kicking me or cutting me, but I'm no longer crying for mercy when they do it. I'm feeling defiant, not fighting them, but wondering out loud if that's the best they can do. Goading them on. I see them for who they really are. Bullies. Not Sadists. A Sadist will cut me and give me time to heal, or will at least check on me before making the next cut. Bullies kick and cut without rhyme or reason, and don't care if you'll be around. They don't tend to wounds. A Sadist will be patient. Tending to my wounds because it's become a game. I respect that. A Sadist won't purposely kill you. The aim of the bully is to be the victor. "I killed (person)" or "Look how powerful I am. I won."

Did someone call me a self-serving masochist? Really???!!! Like anyone would gleefully be exposed, beaten down to nothing, and left to die willingly? No. That is not masochism, that is insanity! My defiance isn't masochism, and even though it might appear to be insanity, I know that in order for me to get strong again, I will have to push myself. Go beyond what I feel I can handle in order to stand on my own, or in this case, stand with the Ones who Love me, who are Honorable, and who understand that this ugly wounded mess is a Warrior, and will be a Warrior once again.

I could have suffered in silence and gone into hiding when I saw the writing on the wall. We've all done that. I've done that, but you reach a point in your life where you can't keep running and hiding. When you realize that talking about your pain and maybe even showing it's ugly side will finally heal you. When you're exposed and crushed and crawling in the dirt that's become mud from all the blood you've shed.

God knows I've suffered losses in every part of my life. I've fought the demons of Fear and Insecurity, and in spite of all that, I never gave up, but sometimes you have to stop and breathe. I didn't give up.
Listen, did you hear that? I'm breathing.
Touch me. Did you feel that? It's my heart beating.

My eyes are open. Do you know what I see? I didn't think so. Only the blind run and hide. I'm not blind anymore. I see things as they are. Yes, I'm a mess, but I see that light at the end of the tunnel, and this time, I'm pretty sure it's someone else with a flashlight and not a train getting ready to run me down.

Can I be your flashlight?

Wednesday, February 15, 2017


When I wrote "Overdue Stuff and Emotional Plea" ( )  I honestly thought everything was neatly packaged, and we were approved for the Townhouse. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be. We received an email about 3 hours ago stating that we weren't approved.

This means we still have a deadline looming ahead, and nowhere to go. I'm now at a low level of panic that won't leave. I'm still not able to drive, so I have lots of time to obsess over things that I can't control.

On the positive side, I have used some of that time to do research, and found a place that does hauling and is higher rated than a national company that Shilo used when he moved into this house. It's also about half the price.

Stitch starts his one week stay-cation in the morning, which was planned well before this insanity started, so I have the task of corralling him and helping him focus on tasks I can't do, like moving heavy stuff. This should be interesting.
I sent an email to a feline re-homing Charity about Fran, with my situation and a cute picture of him in hopes it would help, but no response thus far.

I just have to sit and wait now.

Overdue Stuff and Emotional Plea

Superbowl Sunday, I had my MRI. After making sure I was heavily drugged, Shilo sent me off with my Boyfriend, who really deserves a better title, and his girlfriend (and many other things besides) . While he drove, we giggled and talked. I'm going to repeat it again: I am so lucky to have her as a metamour. She is a wonderful caring person, and we have quite a bit in common. I can't wait to see her again! Enough gushing!

The following day, I started my PT at the new place. I had gone 3 weeks without, and I definitely felt the difference because I had lost some progress. The machines were killing me, but I was really excited to be back on them.

I think I mentioned before that the agent who purchased the house is assisting us in finding a place. Well, we went there on Saturday morning (2-11), and on the way, we were informed that escrow closes March 1, and they would like us out by then. We were not prepared for that, and it put me in a panic. We moved into this house with the belief that it would be our "forever" home. None of us like moving, and I've moved three times since my mother died in December 2012. Having a short deadline only put more pressure on me.

It's really nice, but because it's a (newly remodeled) Townhouse, there's not nearly as much room as the House. Still, I can't complain. It's about 3 miles North of my childhood home on the same street. It's also centrally located, and within walking distance of a grocery store and the mall. I really am excited about the possibilities. PLUS, we can keep Donna Dawg-Lass and my cat Tsunami. What's sad was that we had to vote on the other cats. We were all in tears about having to vote, but we can't have 5 cats, one of which doesn't get along with the others, and another in poor health. Our former boarder is coming to get the disagreeable one, and we discussed euthanizing the sick one. That would leave us with 3 cats and a dog. Still one cat too many. He's an indoor/outdoor cat, so he would be hard to keep hidden, so we found someone to take him, but now they can't take him, and I'm heartbroken. I can't send him to the pound. He's a black cat, and they don't typically get adopted. I'll put more information at the end of this entry.

Shilo and myself also discussed it and decided to borrow money against my CD that has the last little bit of my inheritance left. We didn't take it lightly either, because the last thing we need right now is to owe more money, but we needed money to move. A lower amount was approved than what we asked for, but it's enough to pay the moving expenses and take care of other necessities. At least, I think it is.

Sunday evening, the three of us went to a long-awaited wedding of my Maid of Honor and Shilo's Best Man. We got to catch up with a few friends from the Hollywood Spanking Group, so it was extra nice. A little-known fact is that we got engaged at a Hollywood Spanking Group party. It was wonderful to see so much Love in one place.

Then came "Verdict Day" my appointment with the Ortho doctor. He told me my best option was to get a cortisone shot and continue with PT. I get my first shot on Friday morning. Ask me if I'm excited. No, I'm not excited. Not one bit! I'm scared. Like so afraid that I'm going to have to be drugged just so I can get through it.

Later in the day, I went to PT. After I finished my prescribed exercises I told the young man in charge of my case that I wasn't feeling challenged enough. That was really difficult to say, because it's not like I enjoy the pain and crying, but I want to regain my independence, and it won't happen unless I'm pushed a little harder. He sat me on a chair and pushed me while tears streamed down my face. He'd ease up, and then push harder. My muscle tone is so bad that without him holding me in position, my arm flopped down. I used to be so strong, I could lift and carry 100 pounds of dead weight, and yes, I can carry about 10 pounds now, and when this first happened, I couldn't lift a fork, so I've improved, but it's depressing. Talk about baby steps! Before I left I told him about the cortisone shot on Friday, so he told me to not exert myself or do my exercises over the weekend, and we'd start fresh on Monday morning (2-20)

I won't discuss what Shilo did at the bank on Monday afternoon, but he definitely deserved the lecture I gave him. He was finally remorseful Tuesday morning. He will be "paying" for his behavior for at least a few more days.


I have 2 black cats, male, born in March 2014. I love them dearly, but I cannot keep them because I'm losing my home. The people who were supposed to take them changed their minds, and time is running out. Fran is very sweet and friendly and prefers the freedom of going outdoors on occasion. He likes other cats and dogs as well. He's never been around children, so I won't vouch for that, but I'm asking if any of you can help me with finding him a home, I would appreciate it. Please inbox me.

Monday, February 13, 2017

A Female Dominant's Strength

Here was the challenge:

Dominas everywhere, show us your power and take over Fetlife,... and dedicate it around or to the best womanly representation of Strength you can find.
Yes, I removed a large portion of that sentence, but WTF???!!!

Here was my answer, and I'm sharing it because I need to see my own words to remind myself:

My opinion (and only my opinion) is that the beauty of a woman's strength is that it doesn't need a display. Why do we "need" to show it and put it on display? It just 'is', and as such, requires no show or depiction. I'm my strongest when I appear to be vulnerable to others. Being able to share my ugly and less-than-stellar moments are a huge part of my strength. Apologizing when I'm wrong and admitting it shows my strength. Being unafraid to share my failures and take responsibility for them shows my strength. Taking ridicule from others who can't possibly fathom my situation shows my strength. Allowing myself to cry and having Shilo (or Stitch, or both of them) hold me as I do so shows my strength. I don't have to wear my boots, or crack a whip, or wield a cane to prove myself as a Dominant. I don't have to yell or be loud or act rude to be Dominant either. Many times it's a mere whisper that shows my Dominance. A "please" or "thank you", or even my politest sounding orders show it.

Don't call me Domina, or Goddess,or any other feminine sounding title. I don't need it. Just call me Merry, and stop looking so hard. I'm right here in plain sight, and I don't want or need your rally cry to show myself. I'd rather just sit quietly and smile as I observe others go to ridiculous lengths to 'prove' themselves.