Saturday, May 31, 2014

Recent Occurrence

The chain of Shilo's collar broke right about the time things got crazy in our relationship almost two weeks ago. I told him not to worry about it, knowing that our BDSM relationship has gone out the window as of late, and, while our marriage is doing okay, he's not really been where he should be otherwise. He insisted on putting the tags on another chain, which somehow broke yesterday. The tags have gone missing. In the meantime, tomorrow is one year since the very first time we played together in a dungeon. It's pretty special.

About the collar: I'm upset at the poor quality of it, and I can guarantee I'll never buy anything wearable from there again. As for the disappearance, I feel that everything happens for a reason, and, while I truly Love Shilo, I don't feel he's been acting worthy of the collar. I know he will get momentarily upset by this, but then his cool logic will set in, and he will agree with my assessment. This brings me to something else: Do I feel that the BDSM aspect of our relationship is over? The short answer is "No." The long answer is "HELL NO!" because we both have that desire deep inside of us,  and to cut it out of our lives completely for any length of time would be foolish. I think of this time as a time of reflection, to regroup, and to renegotiate our BDSM relationship. In the meantime, I still have his play collar available if we decide to play. The 15th will mark the one year anniversary since our first contract, so maybe by then we will have made some decisions about what we will do, and where we are going.

In the meantime, I hope Shilo uses this time to think about his desires regarding the BDSM aspect of our relationship, and we can both use our "off time" to improve other aspects of our relationship that need some attention.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Just Around The Corner

Shilo has been battling his fears and depression quite a bit lately. Or, rather, he has given in and surrendered to it. The reasons for the depression are valid, and though I dislike it when he gets like this, I understand why he feels so helpless and hopeless. Him being like this also leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless because he shuts down and shuts me out. Fortunately, he is cooperative on one thing. He will talk to me about what is bothering him, and even though he refuses any BDSM activity and doesn't want sex, he will usually respond to my request to come to me for our morning talk. Keeping in mind that he is bigger and stronger than me, it's nice that he willingly cooperates, because there is no way I could force him to do anything.

Shilo and I started out in my typical BDSM mode: No sexual activity, period! He was in self-imposed chastity and considered himself to be asexual, so I was perfectly happy. When we fell in Love, it was (thankfully) mutual, and our sexual desires for one another was equally mutual. There was never any coercion on either part, and it quickly became apparent that we both enjoyed the activity with each other. Sex is the one aspect where I prefer not to be the sole initiator and I enjoy being the one who is wooed and pursued. Yes, I will sometimes initiate sex, but it's not my preference. I rarely refuse sex with Shilo because it is so pleasurable. I am his cock slut and fuck whore (my words, not his) and I am a Tigress, biting, scratching, and growling the whole time.

Going back to Shilo's mood: I will not initiate sex when he is in one of his moods, and he will not initiate sex either. This leaves me all the more depressed and anxious and needy for emotional support, and it's one of those things that Shilo is unable to provide. I become weepy, he gets more withdrawn. I tend to use sex with Shilo as a "temperature gauge" of our relationship with each other. If we are having problems in our BDSM relationship, but we are still having sex, I see it as a positive thing, and I feel that everything will work out between us. It's a way of communicating without using words, and, unlike most other men, Shilo will not have sex just because it's available. He'd rather be locked in chastity than have sex when he's angry or upset.

I wrote all the above to say this: It looks like a reprieve is just around the corner, because he actually initiated sex on Wednesday morning. It was not forced or fake, and he was enjoying it. Me? Well, I was pretty happy too. I told him earlier that I wanted my husband back, and it looks like he's on his way. Are things better or improved? It's too soon to say, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Just A Thought (For Shilo)

Before I fall asleep.

Shilo, I know things aren't how you would like them to be right now, and I realize that you've given me control over the last thing you ever wanted to hand over, but I will do my best to show you that I am responsible and I am trustworthy. Think of this as a part of our FL/DD relationship.

Remember, Shilo, Always Follow Your Dreams. Now I will go to bed.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

"Can I Tell You A Secret?"

The above, or some other similar version is something Sunshine frequently tells Shilo when she is "out." During those times, she will put me "deep" so I can't hear, and she will tell him something I usually don't want him to know. Naturally, in the interest of our relationship, and my requirement for his transparency, he will (eventually) tell me what he knows. Today, however, I'm revealing a secret of sorts. Ready?

I write. In fact, I write quite a bit, and more often than he even knows. While I don't have daily entries like I require of him, I do write about once a week, sometimes more often. So... where are these things I write, anyway? They aren't being published here, nor are they even online. Most of them are partially written, and they're in my Documents folder. I start writing, get interrupted, or maybe there's a (*)squirrel and I get distracted enough that I never really get back to it. Either way, it remains partially written, and I rarely or never get back to it. (*)Squirrels are everywhere, so I need to be careful.

Maybe I'll get back to those partially written stories and anecdotes and finish them and publish them. Then, again, maybe not. I write to unclutter my brain, so once I've written, whether or not I've published, my head is clear, so it doesn't seem to matter as much.

That's the secret for this time. There may or may not be more.

(*)A squirrel is something that will immediately take my attention from whatever it is I am or should be doing. It could be a phone call, or maybe an attractive person walking down the street when I'm driving, Either way, I get so focused on the squirrel, that I completely forget the original task I was doing.

Friday, May 16, 2014

On Chastity And Shilo

I don't write about it nearly as much as Shilo does, but part of our agreement early on, was that he would be locked in a chastity device on a regular basis. Let's stop at this while I attempt to explain my/our reasons:

Why Merry Locks Shilo In Chastity

1. To Prevent Masturbation: When I first started out with Shilo, he masturbated chronically, as in almost all day every day (his description, not mine) This disturbed him enough that he would go into self-imposed chastity on a regular basis.

2. It's A Fetish: There's something about"Doing Everything But" that I can't quite explain: It's the classic making out like a pair of teenagers, wanting to have sex so badly you can taste it, but knowing you can't go any further because he's locked up.

3. Tupperware: Tupperware? It "locks in" freshness. His penis is no longer his. It's mine. When I go away on overnight (or longer) trips without him, I lock him up to keep my penis "fresh" AKA: Ready for me and my uses.The penis locked up the cage is mine, and is to be used for my pleasure only. I don't want any man or woman to get the idea that they can touch it or play with it. It's like a huge "No Trespassing" sign.

4. It Keeps Others At Bay: If you were to go to a party and saw someone shackled, I'm sure you wouldn't try to make casual conversation with them, would you? Even if you did, it's doubtful you would take that person home with you, or anywhere else, for that matter, without finding out why the person was shackled. It's the same for me. He is locked in chastity, so you know that his penis is off limits for you.

1.Keep in mind that this is my relationship with Shilo. Personally, I really don't care about masturbation, and I've been known to encourage it more often than not with others in the past.

2. Again, this is my opinion. Shilo's fetish regarding this is very different than mine. Let me also note that, yes, I have the key, the removal device for his chastity lock, but I will often choose not to use it.

3. Let me say here that I trust Shilo not to stray. He doesn't need it on to ensure that he remains faithful to me, but it goes back to reason #1. No masturbation, but it also goes to reason #4.

4. Not everyone is respectful of limits. Because I know that, I have Shilo locked when he goes to events without me or I'm away. I trust Shilo, but I can't necessarily trust others. Having him locked prevents that worry, at least a little bit. Yes, there are ways around chastity devices, but, honestly, why go through the trouble when you can always finfd someone else?

Shilo's Reasons

Let me add here that Shilo's reasons, while they might be similar to mine, they aren't the same. He has a laundry list of reasons that are different than mine, and you can look at his many blogs or just ask him yourself. He's usually more than happy to explain.

Finally, something to note:

Polyamory And Chastity: Not Necessarily Cuckolding!

I am polyamorous. The quick and dirty version is that I have many loves, or, more than one person I Love. I am not monogamous. I've been with Stitch for 10 years, I've only known of Shilo for a little over a year, and I married him 8 months ago, so Shilo is the "new" relationship here. Therefore, even though I have Shilo locked up, and I am having sex with Stitch or meeting with other men or women, I am not cuckolding him or cheating on him. He wouldn't even have the right to complain or say it, because from the very beginning, even BEFORE we even had our first play experience in a dungeon, I told him about Stitch and polyamory.

I know that there are some who would argue, use semantics, etc; but it won't work in this case. Shilo is not a cuckold. Never has been, never wil.

Why This Came Up

Shilo and I discussed his chastity and chastity devices last night, and I will be placing him in a device very soon. Unfortunately, because of my metal allergies, he will need to get (yet another) device, so if I choose to unlock him for sex, he will not need to make me wait while he prepares himself by preparing his penis and removing the microscopic metal flakes that cause my body to swell... Now, off to start my day!

Monday, May 5, 2014


I did not sleep from Friday morning to Saturday morning. In fact, I stayed up all night Friday, and did not sleep until I got on the plane on Saturday at about 11AM. My traveling companion was rather surprised to find me asleep before we even took off. What was so interesting about all this, is that she's never seen me fall asleep so quickly. I was just glad that I did not have to take my Ativan that was prescribed to me. Shilo did such a very good job of conditioning me to fall asleep on the plane, that all I had to do was wait for everybody else in my aisle to get seated. I didn't wake up until they started serving drinks. Keep in mind it was the first of 3 planes that I was scheduled to be on.

Before I forget I should mention that there was one problem. Remember my last entry, and my mention of the person who was English challenged? I believe I said that I did not think they understood me. I was correct. I was not even on the list of wheelchair customers,  so I had to wait. But that wasn't the worst of it. This next part is the worst of it. If you've ever traveled by plane into Denver, you know about the turbulence. The turbulence was so bad that I was not able to fall asleep during the landing. Also, when I got there, there was no wheelchair. When I finally did get in a wheelchair, they put us on a shuttle truck to drive us to our next gate. My companion and I only had 15 minutes until our next flight was to leave when we landed. However, instead of looking at when we needed to be at the gate, the person driving took everybody else first, leaving us to not even get on the plane until almost everybody was loaded on. Normally, I would not stress out over this, except for the fact that the plane was going to be full, and space for carry on luggage is limited. I have to have my CPAP with me on the plane and not in general luggage, and I was worried that there may not be space. Fortunately there was enough space so I calmed down. Then, there was the fun of take off. Again, Denver is a very bad place to either take off or land due to all the turbulence. I also was unfortunatly placed in an aisle seat. I cannot tell you how many people on that flight bumped into my shoulder because they weren't paying attention. I was a very very mean grouchy woman throughout that flight. I  finally did fall asleep for a very short amount of time before we landed. Again, there was very little time between flights when we landed in Chicago. The good news is that we had a wonderful young lady who not only took the time to wait with me for the next plane to load, but she was quick to get me to the right gate. My traveling companion even had enough time to get me an ice cream cone. Keep in mind that I had not eaten for well over 6 hours because of how the flights were scheduled. They were too close together for us to pick up any food, and they did not serve food on the flights. I even had to pay for the snacks if I wanted them. Needless to say, the woman at the Chicago Airport made my day better just by being so helpful and polite.

This brings me to the best part. While waiting in line for the plane to empty so we could get on, a dear friend from Oregon showed up and hugged me. It was nice to see her, and since I got on the plane first, and had eaten the ice cream cone, my mood was very pleasant. I didn't even mind the fact that I did not sit next to my traveling companion on that flight. Instead, near the end of boarding, a rather large muscular young man sat next to me. He did not put down the arm rest, so I actually had room to sit down comfortably. I was so comfortable that I was able to fall asleep before takeoff, and did not wake up until we were ready to land an hour later. I was so confused, I actually thought we were just starting to take off at the landing. There was no wheelchair to meet me at the gate, but I was just happy to finally be on land and not have to get back on another plane. The shuttle driver for the hotel was there waiting for us, which added to my happiness. Once we got checked in, we had some dinner, and I tried to go to sleep but I still could not. It was well after midnight before I finally fell asleep. I had to be up at 6:30AM so I could shower and prepare for the 9AM church service, but in spite of the short sleep cycle, I was feeling happy and refreshed. After church, there was a short Officer's meeting, and then a luncheon for International Officers. In spite of the fact that the International President is very ill and was unable to be here this week, it was fun and I was very happy to be with all the other International Officers. My term is over on the 8th and I'll go back to working on the State and local level.

After the lunch, I walked a quarter mile down the road and made some purchases at the store. I felt more winded than I should have, but I'm not sure why. When I got back, I showered and dressed for the murder mystery dinner. It wasn't what I expected. Each table picked out a toy (Sunshine immediately came out and INSISTED that she get the baby doll)  and we were given a fact sheet about our toy, and which toy disappeared. It was our job to discover who and why. Sunshine acted as the baby doll (each table's toy had ONE character and speaker) and the game began. Accusations ensued, and Sunshine did a great job, even defending her bed-wetting and sleeping through most of it. Another toy kept making fun of her, so she got up, acting like the dolly and pretended that the doll peed on the offending toy. It was hilarious! She let me stay and watch just under the surface, so I could witness the antics. (An aside to Shilo: Pictures are up on either vanilla FB or maybe official page. Not sure. Then I had ANOTHER (10PM) meeting, so by the time I got to my room, I was exhausted, but unable to sleep. I finally fell asleep, but then slept through all 3(!!!) of my alarms, waking up 15 minutes before my 8:40AM meeting with my friend, "D" who had the final goodies for a goody bag that the Southern California Officers (I'm president in Southern California) give to the International Officers. After that, there was another meeting, then rehearsals, and then I ran a meeting for those people I tried to contact last week. I contacted 100, and of those 100, only 25 got in touch with me before I left, and only 3 showed up. I'm not happy, but one of the past International Associate Presidents offered to take over recruiting for me, so I could focus on my main job for this week Needless to say, it made my life easier. There was a banquet tonight with about 200 people in attendance, and then our Informal Opening with introductions and Dignitaries. Now it's past 1AM, and I'm still awake. I need to be up at 7, and in my seat at 8:30 but I'm not sleepy. GRRRR!  P.S. The hideous dress isn't so hideous after all. I looked better than quite a few of my counterparts.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Let The Insanity Begin?

I think it already started... Up at 6AM with a phone call from Florida. I guess they forgot I'm in California... Anyway, it just gets crazier from there. Making phobne calls, answering emails, sending emails, fielding calls. FUCK ME!

Noon arrived way too soon, and still the insanity. It must be (easily) 100 degrees outside, and the reality that I never pre-boarded hit me. Did that, for both myself and my traveling companion, called the airline to confirm wheelchair service, and spoke to an English challenged person. Finally checked the mail, only to discover that my credentials necessary for the convention didn't arrive yet! This means an added trip to see the Secretary in El Segundo. Am I mad? No. I'm FURIOUS!

As I was handling that, FedEx arrived with Shilo's gift. I bought it cause I knew he'd love it, and I hope he does.  Sent paperwork on scheduling to the person in charge of that stuff, also attempted to print above boarding passes. No black ink! Got my clothes in the dryer in the middle of all the craziness, and just finished hanging up my new dresses. Now it's 1:45. FINALLY going out to run necessary errands. Wish me luck!