Currently (6-21-14)

I have Shilo standing in the corner. He is being punished. It's been quite some time since I actually punished him. I can't remember when it was. I'm sure he could tell you the last time. He keeps track of such things.

The difference today is that he didn't lie to me, and it has nothing to do with masturbation, or smoking, or even neglecting to do something. No, today is different. Today, for the first (and hopefully last) time, he loudly berated me in public. So loudly, in fact, that people in the grocery store turned around and looked at us. Looked at me. I did nothing. All I did was walk up to him to inform him about a sale. I speak quietly, and he is hard of hearing, so I got close to him. He yelled at me for getting so close to him, so I left. Walked out of the store. Within minutes, he was at my side, and I quietly told him why I was upset, why I walked out. I told him I didn't deserve to be publicly berated, and that he caused enough of a scene to have people stare at us.

I told him that he was not going to get away with it, and that he would be punished when we got home. Then we went back in the store to buy groceries. As we headed home, I told him that after he finished putting away groceries he was to get naked and stand in the corner. He's been there for nearly an hour now.

Did I mention that instead of going into the corner, he snuck out and drove off? He thought I wouldn't notice! I did notice he was quiet, so I figured he went into bed and mope, but, no, he ran away from home like a little boy instead of facing the consequences. I called him on the phone to find out where he was, and I emptied out our joint account online just in case he got any idea of using our money to do something stupid. I hated doing it, but if he was going to act like a child, I had no choice but to treat him like one.

About 30 minutes into him standing in the corner, I asked him why he ran away, and he explained that he was angry so he left. We discussed it a little more, and I left him in the corner. I plan on letting him out of the corner at the hour mark. I'm still not sure what to do with him. I mean, I'm not angry. I was angry when I walked out of the store, bur that anger dissipated rather quickly. Now I'm just hurt, but not even that much anymore.

Well, his time is up... I guess I'll decide soon and quickly. I'll write about it later maybe. If not, I'm sure he will.

The End of an Era

Since about December 19, 2013, I've been an in home caregiver for my Mentor. He is a double amputee, no toes on his right foot, and a below the knee amputation on his left. He wears prosthetic devices on both sides, and gets along just fine without them, but he needs someone to clean up after him, do the laundry, and also take him shopping. It was my job to do those things. I enjoyed the laundry and errand running, and even making his bed, but the other stuff rarely gave me joy. He knew that, but I never once complained.  We talked about it a few times, including a discussion on how his roommate (ex-wife from ages ago) felt jealous of our relationship. I even told him I wouldn't mind if he found someone else to do those things, and I would continue to be his "errand girl."

At the end of April, he told me he had begun his search, and, when I came back from my trip to Springfield, he told me amusing stories about the people he interviewed. He rarely discussed it after that, and I didn't really ask until about three weeks ago. He smiled and said he found a woman who was "perfect" for the job, but she wasn't ready to commit. I figured he had forgotten about her when she didn't call him back a week later. When I arrived at his house yesterday, he was still in bed, which was unusual for him. Also unusual was that he wanted to "talk to me." For the record, I missed work on Monday because child #4 was in the ER because of seizures, so I figured that he was going to ask about that. I was wrong. After much chitchat about nothing, he told me that the other woman had called back and was starting Wednesday. Wednesday? As in next week? No, Wednesday, as in tomorrow (today/this) morning. I was floored, but kept it together. I told him I was going to miss seeing him so often and he agreed. Then he had me take him to the 99 cent only store and bought me candy, anfd then bought me lubch at Jack-in-the-Box. I think he felt guilty, and this was his way of trying to make it up to me. When we returned, his roommate was up and all smiles. I smiled back, put away the stuff he bought, and said goodbye.

It's important to note that I didn't whine, cry, or complain. I took it, with my head up, my eyes clear and I kept smiling. Well, as I drove home, the reality hit: I no longer have a job. No reason to get up in the morning, nothing to keep me going. No money to pay my bills. I'm in a world of shit! I really don't know what I'm going to do, and I'm sad. Not depressed sad. Just sad, as in unhappy. My thoughts go to "What am I gonna do now?"  I guess I'll need Shilo to give me direction, make up a "to do" list and hand it to me. I'm really in no shape to look for another job.  I mean, I gave up my nursing license, and being a caregiver is all I know. I haven't been gainfully employed since October 2001 (or was it 2000? I can't even remember now) Either way, I'm not even equipped to work a full-time job, and even part-time is doubtful. No employer will accept someone who can only work 5 hour days three days a week, and routinely calls off sick at the last minute at least once a month.  It's only worse when the SAD kicks in. Okay, maybe I'm obsessing a bit too much, but this is how my mind is processing it.

So, what did I do this morning? I woke up when Stitch woke up (5AM) and laid awake till 8:30, fell asleep until after Shilo got home (10:15?), and then ate and went back to bed with him. When I woke up in the afternoon, I took care of some things that had me bothered, including an accidental deletion of an account that I'd had since November. Fortunately, I had saved my writings, so I copied and pasted them into my new account. Then I started writing this, and had many interruptions, so it's been nearly 2 hours since I started. I guess I'm finished now. PUBLISH!

It's True....

I should be asleep, but this is important! You see, in spite of all the pain, anguish, and, yes, even the horrible depression Shilo and I have been going through, I feel it's importnt to remind my/our readers that we Love each other, and while I will feel like it's all falling apart, and it looks that way on all sides, it really isn't. We have a solid friendship besides our Love for each other. I frequently say that Shilo is an answer to prayers, and he is.

Stitch frequently mentions how alike Shilo and I appear to be. How we both tend to think and feel the same way, and how Shilo has brought out the best in me. He has, but he also will sometimes bring out the worst in me. Another thing; when Shilo and I are arguing, it gets very quiet. We speak in hushed tones. Oftentimes, it's not until an argument is over that others in the household even realize that there had been an argument.

We can also be polar opposites. That's a good thing, because we all need the occasional opposing view. He keeps a cool head when I need it, and I do the same for him. We both have social anxiety and panic attacks, but different triggers, so one is always able to help the other.

Shilo is very kind and patient and loving. He can be very sweet and affectionate when the mood hits him. He Loves me, and he Loves Sunshine. Sunshine adores him. The day we got married, Sunshine was told in no uncertain terms that she was not to come out during the ceremony. She was an obedient child, and did as she was told, but, after the ceremony was over, and the photographer was taking pictures, Sunshine came out. Our favorite wedding picture, the one that was added with the Wedding Chapel certificate in a special folder, is of Sunshine looking up at Shilo and just beaming with joy and adoration and Love. No doubt you've heard the saying that a picture paints a thousand words. That one tells so much more.

Our Best Man and Maid of Honor know about Sunshine, and when they saw the picture, they mentioned that "she" looked so happy.  Yes, I was happy, I am happy, but Sunshine's happiness is very important as well. When she decides she doesn't like something or someone, there can be hell to pay, so her happiness is a priority over mine. Not that I'd tell her that....

Anyway, bedtime for me! OAO!

And Now....

A musical interlude while I gather myself.

Discouraged

I'm not sure how to feel and what to think right now.

Somehow, I'm beginning to realize more and more that maybe I'm too trusting. Love is, without a doubt, blinding. You don't notice stuff that bothers you, and, when you do, you will readily accept the begging for forgiveness, or you'll even overlook all of it. You believe the lies they tell you, and, worse, you lie to yourself.

Long ago, I told him, well, actually warned him, that I have a way of "knowing" things. I look at him, confront him, and he denies it I confront him again, he denies it again, over and over and over. I know that I'm right, that he is lying to me, but after repeated denials, I accept that I must certainly be wrong, that he would never lie to me, and that he is all sweetness and goodness. I keep my accusations to myself, and then, finally, when it’s all done, he confesses that he’s been lying to me about (insert habit here). I ask him why, and he gives me (what I think is) a flimsy excuse. “I’m addicted to the nicotine”, or “I was too embarrassed to tell you” or something else. Honestly, the excuses are a waste of time. What I really want is the truth the first time. Admit it, tell me I’m right, and then we can talk about it. Lying to me only destroys our relationship, tears at our foundation.

STOP IT NOW!

I’m tired of it. The excuses don’t matter. Honestly, I just want to start over, because it’s obvious to me that only one of us is doing the work in this. No, I’m not saying he isn’t working. He does work, very hard, in fact, but he’s not working on being honest, on being transparent. I look back on all I did to try to help him, to assist him and encourage him to do what’s right for him, but I feel I’ve wasted my time and his also.

We spent hours talking on the phone, talking online, and face to face. We poured ourselves out to each other. I did with him what I’ve done to other submissives in the past. I asked him a question: “Shilo, what things are holding you back, what things are in your life that are destroying you?” Now, the previous wasn’t an exact quote, but you get the idea. He told me of two things: his masturbation and his smoking. I told him I would gladly help him with it, and I did. I gave him goals and positive reinforcement. I praised him, rewarded him, even changed my ways of doing things so that it would help him. I didn’t do it for my glory, I did it because, well, because I care about him, I Love him with all my heart, and he was so very unhappy, and I wanted to see him happy.

All I asked for in return was that he keep up his end of it and tell me when he was struggling. I wouldn’t judge him. I’ve caught him doing these two things several times since he supposedly quit. Something I think he doesn’t “get” is that I’m not angry. No, I’m just disappointed. It’s not even because he’s doing those things. It’s because he lies about it. He lied about it to me. I just don’t know what to do about it.

I want the lies to stop. I need someone who is trustworthy. How many more times and ways will he violate my trust in him? Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a major violation, but it is a repeated violation. I can’t seem to get it through to him why it bothers me, and I feel if he really cared about it, he’d be honest with me.

It leaves me asking myself what’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Oh, there are other questions too, ones I’d rather not verbalize. It all just points at my faults and failures. All I want, all I desire is honesty. That, and a good night’s sleep.

Today

About a week ago, I special ordered a new collar for Shilo because his had broken (See previous post) Anyway, there have been problems in the BDSM aspect of our relationship, and I said that I felt that due to his actions (inactions also) Shilo was not worthy of wearing my collar. He understood and agreed.

Well, his new collar that I ordered arrived in the mail today. I decided to give him some incentive and show him the collar I ordered. I allowed him to open it and look, and then I took it back from him, and told him that when he is ready, he may have his new collar. I carefully re-wrapped the collar and put it away in a safe place.

You see, I want him to want it, to desire it, but also to know that he is forever in my heart. Now the only thing holding him back from the collar, is himself. Not me. Him. He already knows what needs to be done to receive the collar, so now I must wait.

Shilo, my collar for you is waiting until you are ready. I Love you!