Saturday, February 18, 2017

The Time Is Now

I can no longer live my life the way others would want me or expect me to be. Life has ripped the last veil. Stare if you must, laugh even, but it won't change who I am.


Some will have pity and leave. There will be a few who will come and kick me and rip me to shreds, whether for their own enjoyment, or the enjoyment of others. Others, the ones who are truly able to Love me will stay, and sit by me, or even tend to my wounds. Not because of who I am, but because of who they are. Staying by someone when they have nothing left, when their veils have been ripped, their protective shell broken, and all you see is a wounded soft underbelly is Honorable. Loving them is doubly so. I'm still not sure what hurts more. Being the wounded, or caring for the wounded. I know the rewards of both, but I've only experienced one until now. Being on the other side is uncharted territory, and showing my wounds, as ugly as they are, and knowing I'm powerless to heal myself without the time and patience of others has been humbling.


I'd like to think that in spite of the mess I must be, I'm in the healing stage. It doesn't stop people from kicking me or cutting me, but I'm no longer crying for mercy when they do it. I'm feeling defiant, not fighting them, but wondering out loud if that's the best they can do. Goading them on. I see them for who they really are. Bullies. Not Sadists. A Sadist will cut me and give me time to heal, or will at least check on me before making the next cut. Bullies kick and cut without rhyme or reason, and don't care if you'll be around. They don't tend to wounds. A Sadist will be patient. Tending to my wounds because it's become a game. I respect that. A Sadist won't purposely kill you. The aim of the bully is to be the victor. "I killed (person)" or "Look how powerful I am. I won."


Did someone call me a self-serving masochist? Really???!!! Like anyone would gleefully be exposed, beaten down to nothing, and left to die willingly? No. That is not masochism, that is insanity! My defiance isn't masochism, and even though it might appear to be insanity, I know that in order for me to get strong again, I will have to push myself. Go beyond what I feel I can handle in order to stand on my own, or in this case, stand with the Ones who Love me, who are Honorable, and who understand that this ugly wounded mess is a Warrior, and will be a Warrior once again.


I could have suffered in silence and gone into hiding when I saw the writing on the wall. We've all done that. I've done that, but you reach a point in your life where you can't keep running and hiding. When you realize that talking about your pain and maybe even showing it's ugly side will finally heal you. When you're exposed and crushed and crawling in the dirt that's become mud from all the blood you've shed.


God knows I've suffered losses in every part of my life. I've fought the demons of Fear and Insecurity, and in spite of all that, I never gave up, but sometimes you have to stop and breathe. I didn't give up.
Listen, did you hear that? I'm breathing.
Touch me. Did you feel that? It's my heart beating.


My eyes are open. Do you know what I see? I didn't think so. Only the blind run and hide. I'm not blind anymore. I see things as they are. Yes, I'm a mess, but I see that light at the end of the tunnel, and this time, I'm pretty sure it's someone else with a flashlight and not a train getting ready to run me down.


Can I be your flashlight?

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

UGH!

When I wrote "Overdue Stuff and Emotional Plea" (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/overdue-stuff-and-emotional-plea.html )  I honestly thought everything was neatly packaged, and we were approved for the Townhouse. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be. We received an email about 3 hours ago stating that we weren't approved.


This means we still have a deadline looming ahead, and nowhere to go. I'm now at a low level of panic that won't leave. I'm still not able to drive, so I have lots of time to obsess over things that I can't control.


On the positive side, I have used some of that time to do research, and found a place that does hauling and is higher rated than a national company that Shilo used when he moved into this house. It's also about half the price.


Stitch starts his one week stay-cation in the morning, which was planned well before this insanity started, so I have the task of corralling him and helping him focus on tasks I can't do, like moving heavy stuff. This should be interesting.
I sent an email to a feline re-homing Charity about Fran, with my situation and a cute picture of him in hopes it would help, but no response thus far.


I just have to sit and wait now.

Overdue Stuff and Emotional Plea

Superbowl Sunday, I had my MRI. After making sure I was heavily drugged, Shilo sent me off with my Boyfriend, who really deserves a better title, and his girlfriend (and many other things besides) . While he drove, we giggled and talked. I'm going to repeat it again: I am so lucky to have her as a metamour. She is a wonderful caring person, and we have quite a bit in common. I can't wait to see her again! Enough gushing!


The following day, I started my PT at the new place. I had gone 3 weeks without, and I definitely felt the difference because I had lost some progress. The machines were killing me, but I was really excited to be back on them.


I think I mentioned before that the agent who purchased the house is assisting us in finding a place. Well, we went there on Saturday morning (2-11), and on the way, we were informed that escrow closes March 1, and they would like us out by then. We were not prepared for that, and it put me in a panic. We moved into this house with the belief that it would be our "forever" home. None of us like moving, and I've moved three times since my mother died in December 2012. Having a short deadline only put more pressure on me.


It's really nice, but because it's a (newly remodeled) Townhouse, there's not nearly as much room as the House. Still, I can't complain. It's about 3 miles North of my childhood home on the same street. It's also centrally located, and within walking distance of a grocery store and the mall. I really am excited about the possibilities. PLUS, we can keep Donna Dawg-Lass and my cat Tsunami. What's sad was that we had to vote on the other cats. We were all in tears about having to vote, but we can't have 5 cats, one of which doesn't get along with the others, and another in poor health. Our former boarder is coming to get the disagreeable one, and we discussed euthanizing the sick one. That would leave us with 3 cats and a dog. Still one cat too many. He's an indoor/outdoor cat, so he would be hard to keep hidden, so we found someone to take him, but now they can't take him, and I'm heartbroken. I can't send him to the pound. He's a black cat, and they don't typically get adopted. I'll put more information at the end of this entry.


Shilo and myself also discussed it and decided to borrow money against my CD that has the last little bit of my inheritance left. We didn't take it lightly either, because the last thing we need right now is to owe more money, but we needed money to move. A lower amount was approved than what we asked for, but it's enough to pay the moving expenses and take care of other necessities. At least, I think it is.


Sunday evening, the three of us went to a long-awaited wedding of my Maid of Honor and Shilo's Best Man. We got to catch up with a few friends from the Hollywood Spanking Group, so it was extra nice. A little-known fact is that we got engaged at a Hollywood Spanking Group party. It was wonderful to see so much Love in one place.


Then came "Verdict Day" my appointment with the Ortho doctor. He told me my best option was to get a cortisone shot and continue with PT. I get my first shot on Friday morning. Ask me if I'm excited. No, I'm not excited. Not one bit! I'm scared. Like so afraid that I'm going to have to be drugged just so I can get through it.


Later in the day, I went to PT. After I finished my prescribed exercises I told the young man in charge of my case that I wasn't feeling challenged enough. That was really difficult to say, because it's not like I enjoy the pain and crying, but I want to regain my independence, and it won't happen unless I'm pushed a little harder. He sat me on a chair and pushed me while tears streamed down my face. He'd ease up, and then push harder. My muscle tone is so bad that without him holding me in position, my arm flopped down. I used to be so strong, I could lift and carry 100 pounds of dead weight, and yes, I can carry about 10 pounds now, and when this first happened, I couldn't lift a fork, so I've improved, but it's depressing. Talk about baby steps! Before I left I told him about the cortisone shot on Friday, so he told me to not exert myself or do my exercises over the weekend, and we'd start fresh on Monday morning (2-20)


I won't discuss what Shilo did at the bank on Monday afternoon, but he definitely deserved the lecture I gave him. He was finally remorseful Tuesday morning. He will be "paying" for his behavior for at least a few more days.


AND FINALLY, A REQUEST FOR HELP


I have 2 black cats, male, born in March 2014. I love them dearly, but I cannot keep them because I'm losing my home. The people who were supposed to take them changed their minds, and time is running out. Fran is very sweet and friendly and prefers the freedom of going outdoors on occasion. He likes other cats and dogs as well. He's never been around children, so I won't vouch for that, but I'm asking if any of you can help me with finding him a home, I would appreciate it. Please inbox me.

Monday, February 13, 2017

A Female Dominant's Strength

Here was the challenge:

Dominas everywhere, show us your power and take over Fetlife,... and dedicate it around or to the best womanly representation of Strength you can find.
Yes, I removed a large portion of that sentence, but WTF???!!!


Here was my answer, and I'm sharing it because I need to see my own words to remind myself:


My opinion (and only my opinion) is that the beauty of a woman's strength is that it doesn't need a display. Why do we "need" to show it and put it on display? It just 'is', and as such, requires no show or depiction. I'm my strongest when I appear to be vulnerable to others. Being able to share my ugly and less-than-stellar moments are a huge part of my strength. Apologizing when I'm wrong and admitting it shows my strength. Being unafraid to share my failures and take responsibility for them shows my strength. Taking ridicule from others who can't possibly fathom my situation shows my strength. Allowing myself to cry and having Shilo (or Stitch, or both of them) hold me as I do so shows my strength. I don't have to wear my boots, or crack a whip, or wield a cane to prove myself as a Dominant. I don't have to yell or be loud or act rude to be Dominant either. Many times it's a mere whisper that shows my Dominance. A "please" or "thank you", or even my politest sounding orders show it.


Don't call me Domina, or Goddess,or any other feminine sounding title. I don't need it. Just call me Merry, and stop looking so hard. I'm right here in plain sight, and I don't want or need your rally cry to show myself. I'd rather just sit quietly and smile as I observe others go to ridiculous lengths to 'prove' themselves.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Thoughts

I should be asleep.


We (my Household) were blindsided on Saturday morning. We aren't taking it very well.


I'm feeling burdened by many things that are out of my control, and I feel like screaming something to the effect of "Get me OFF this ride!" Unfortunately, it's not going to happen.


While I think I've finished mourning him, the death of my Mentor, Daddy W, has left me with an empty spot. I understand that there's no one who could possibly fill that hole, but I also feel that it would be helpful to have someone I trust to consult with. I wouldn't expect the day-to-day interaction, and I know it wouldn't be quite the same, but I sometimes hit rough spots, and I miss that Dominant male energy. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate Dominants of any gender, but it's a different interaction. I'm not looking. Just thinking out loud.


Through an odd turn of events, I was near my old stomping grounds on Saturday. It felt pretty good, and it just might be what we need. I'm throwing that in the wind because I'm hoping for a positive outcome.


Also in relationship to that, I wound up doing something I had hoped I could avoid and it might negatively affect Shilo more than anyone else. I know he can handle this, it's just that I worry.


I worry an awful lot. Mostly because the effects of my accident have lasted longer than first expected. I'm still unable to drive, so scheduling things is dependent on Shilo's availability.


That odd turn of events could possibly be the best news ever and it could give me some independence. I could walk places, and that excites me. Asking for positive thoughts.


I see the Ortho doctor Monday morning to discuss my MRI results. I'm a little afraid. I'm unsure as to what's worse: Not knowing, or knowing.


The reality hit us Saturday afternoon. We had to vote on our pets. Who to keep and who to re-home. It made us cry. The good news is that it's not perfect, but our former boarder is taking a cat, so we can have a clear conscience.


Still, I'm panicking.


I want this rough patch to be over already.


"Home" is such a lovely word.


The stress has taken it's toll on my health. I'm surprised it took so long. I'm also feeling better already. Modern medicine is wonderful!


Speaking of medicine, I've decreased the edibles I use. In other words, I'm taking less. I'm not sure if it's because the pain has decreased, or if it's got something to do with it staying in my system longer. I still restrict my usage to 8AM to 3PM only.


I feel emotionally better now than I did when I started writing this 2 hours ago.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

BOOM! It Was Bound To Happen!


It's been a mental week. Meaning, I've had quite a bit on my mind. It started with me letting loose in my Journal. Beginning with "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night."

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/gangbangs-and-other-things-that-go-bump.html


I followed up on it 24 hours later with "Sex Talk (A Continuation of Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night)"


In that, I mentioned that I was waiting on Stitch to "do something" (anything?) 24 hours later, he still hadn't said or done anything. I was getting increasingly pissed and I wrote "::Radio Silence::"


Stitch never reads anything I write, so this is a way to vent. Shilo does read my writing, although I'm sure I confuse him at times. What he does know for sure is that when I'm upset about something, it affects everyone. Kind of like that old saying, "If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy." Well, Momma Ain't Happy. I only managed to feel worse when I was updating my blog on Blogspot here, and I decided to go back and read my earliest entries. Most of them were full of Love and a little uncertainty in how I would do at starting my Poly Household. Those made me smile. There were also quite a few entries where I was struggling because I had no clue how to handle the challenges in front of me. Apparently I spent quite a bit of time crying. It's okay though, because there was growth. Then I read the following paragraph written in December 2013:

I can’t really talk about Shilo’s qualities without mentioning Stitch. It wouldn’t be fair. Stitch is loving and caring and, whatever he does, he means well. He’s always anticipating my next move, and will often go above and beyond what is expected/requested of him, often to his own detriment. It’s endearing and irritating. Shilo, on the other hand, is self-assured, and is a pretty good judge of character. He has a low tolerance for people who whine, and he gets things done right the first time without prompting. Where Stitch guesses, Shilo knows, and if I give him something to do, it will be done right.

It was like someone had poured ice cold water over my head. The reality that I had somehow failed with Stitch. It really bothered me. I decided to write about it in a group I belong to on Fetlife:

We all want to move forward, at least I hope we all would. So what happens when you realize someone isn't progressing but staying stuck?
I decided to update my online journal because I couldn't sleep, and when I finished, I read some entries from a little over 3 years ago. In it, I noticed that my complaints/concerns about someone in my life are STILL the same! It made me feel like a failure when it comes to this. Currently, this item is driving a wedge in our relationship, and I'm feeling a combination of anger, frustration, and sadness. Realizing that nothing I've said or done has made a difference.
EDITED TO CLARIFY:
This is one thing that both myself and another have discussed with this person, and it's a combination of behaviors.
1. This person does what they "think" I want instead of asking what I want. This will often wind up with wasting resources as well as time.
2. When this person is reminded that I didn't tell them to do or get that thing, they get an attitude and often blame me.
3. When I sit down with this person and tell them what I really want from them, they don't put any effort into it and make excuses such as "You looked busy" or "you were asleep" in spite of the fact that they know I'm never "too busy" or "too sleepy" for them.
I clarified more:
It's really simple things, but it's built up over time.
EXAMPLE: I'm a creature of habit. Weekday mornings I handle my own stuff, but on weekends, I like coffee. Sometimes with a small amount of cereal in a bowl with a spoon. I also need a larger empty bowl so my coffee cup doesn't accidentally spill. Shilo has taken it upon himself to pay attention and he knows how I like my coffee, so he will bring it to me the way I like it, but he always asks me if I want the cereal before he brings me anything. He will let me sit for an hour or more and not bring anything until I ask, and that's okay. The other person (who has been around much longer) will bring the cup of coffee with all the ingredients on the side in a tray as soon as I appear awake. I know it sounds wonderful, but sometimes I still have to get to the bathroom or remove a cat from my lap, or I'm just nor ready yet. All I want is for him to ask me if I'm ready for (item) or ask if I want (item) or just wait for me to ask. I mean, I ask for everything else. More recently, I've waken up feeling sick and wanted to throw up. Before I can even get up, this person has coffee and everything else on my lap. The results have been ugly. I appreciate the thought, but I'm constantly having to remind him that if I want him to do something, I'll ask, or if he thinks I want something to ask. The breakfast is just an example.There's a lot more.
On the other hand, there is one and only one thing that I like and have requested that they ask me if I want it. It's a treat for me and them as well, and it's something I won't ask for. They know this. I've made it perfectly clear that this treat is to be offered to me, and if they take things into their own hands, there will be hell to pay. This has been happening way too frequently lately.
I'm just left wondering if it's too hard to ask me. Ask and don't assume. I don't mind being waken up, and I'm never too busy to give either of them what they want. I just get tired of having to remind this other person to wait until I either ask, or they can ask me. Just don't assume.
 
I sat on this for over a day, reading replies from members of the group, but avoiding any confrontation with Stitch. Until it happened yet again Friday after dinner. Stitch was in another room, but we could see each other and I was talking to him about something important. He was replying, so I turned my head and continued. Stitch didn't reply. I turned my head, and he was gone! I got up, and invited him into the living room. He already was displaying that "Don't give a shit" attitude, and it pushed me over the edge. I told him to sit down, and I asked him why he walked away when I was still talking. "I thought you were finished." I said, "That's the problem right there. You thought. I didn't tell you I was finished, and you didn't ask. You just walked away." I went on to finish having the discussion I was having with him, and then Shilo explained that I was so concerned over the item I was discussing because I wanted to make sure we all look nice for an upcoming event. Not an easy task when I've lost 40 pounds, and it looks like Shilo took them from me. We decided to take care of my concerns when we got back from our Saturday errands (today).



With that settled, I went back to my main concern. We no longer have weekly Household meetings, and the only way things are going to improve is if we talk about things. He pushed me over the edge by not listening to my concerns, and getting an attitude when I try to tell him anything, and by anything, he even got pissed when I told him I emptied the dishwasher, and the dishes he was putting away so carefully were dirty. I Love him. I made a commitment to him, and I plan on keeping it, but he needs to work with me.



Honestly, I'm not sure if any of what I said about our relationship got through to him, but I tried. I have always told him in the past when he's done those things that are (probably) unintentionally thoughtless in hopes that repeating the message it might get through to him, and my hope is that he will tell me what is bothering him instead of holding it in. There's still that fucking elephant in the room, but he needs to address it. I gave my best. I gave my all. It's his turn.

Friday, February 10, 2017

If You're Interested...

I took a little time and updated my profile. Same picture, but only because I'm too lazy to get a more recent one. I'd have to change too many profiles as well. It's my default kinky picture.

If you're reading this, and you actually have an opinion on my updated profile, or want to know more, please feel free to make suggestions.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

::Radio Silence::


I just don't have it in me to care. Not sure if I'm pissed, or hurt, or both.
At least I've been tanning Shilo's hide.

EDITED TO ADD:

I'm not fond of histrionics, but it's awfully tempting.
https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/histrionics

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Sex Talk (A Continuation of Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night)


If you're confused, please read the following first:
https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/gangbangs-and-other-things-that-go-bump.html

So, are we all caught up now? Good!!!

When I wrote "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night" it was my way of mentally processing everything that had been discussed, and also to make it clear that my experience, while vast to some, was barely scratching the surface, and that I wanted to admit my ignorance in some areas of the sexual realm. I also wanted to share that I'm not perfect, and I had misjudged some sexual practices out of ignorance and preconceived notions. I'm not into using 'slut shaming' for my brothers, sisters and others who enjoy tasting out of the more hedonistic menu. I even admitted that I had tasted out of the more hedonistic menu at times, but I had resisted some things, based solely on the name of those items without actually trying them. I admitted to stopping keeping count of sexual partners from my past. Not necessarily out of shame, but more from realizing how inconsequential many of them had been. I know how many people Shilo has been with (about 5) and how many women Stitch has been with (I'm #3) I believe my Boyfriend has been with several inconsequential people as well, and I don't care about the number. To me, the only one who "counts" is the woman I consider to be his Primary. Yes, I know about the ex-wife and etc. but please allow me my peace of mind. Anyway, I admit to having many NSA relationships when I was younger.


When I began dating Stitch in 2004, I was damaged from a recent crime that put me into full-blown PTSD and I was afraid of my own shadow. It unfortunately wasn't my first experience, and PTSD really can suck the life and joy out of you. He was slow and patient with me. I told him about my submissive and explained that my BDSM practices had nothing to do with sex. We made an agreement on my Polyamory that was my idea and stuck to it. Yes, we've altered it over the years to include certain others like Shilo and the Boyfriend (The Boyfriend really does deserve a better Title, doesn't he?) but the basics are still there regarding how I go about adding others, meeting Stitch (and now Shilo as well) and my purposely complicated approval process for sexual partners that I made up for my emotional protection. Just under our 2 year dating mark, the Boyfriend told me he wanted to jump through those hoops. I admire him for his perseverance. Did I mention that his Primary was the one who encouraged him to do so? She's a real gem, and I'm happy to have her in my life.


NSA sex (intercourse) with men was a part of my long ago past, but that was long ago. I officially kissed it goodbye when I made that agreement with Stitch, although it had been a long while since I actually did it by the time I was dating Stitch. In fact, I dated him for 10 months before we actually "did the deed." Like I wrote above, I was damaged. I think that we're all caught up now.


So in the early morning hours of Tuesday, February 7th, I completed my blog "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night." I had a snack, and since Shilo works modified graves, I called him at work to tell him I had written something and that I wanted feedback. He surprised me by telling me that he had already finished reading it. I started to ask him how he felt about it, completely forgetting that he wasn't alone. We agreed to discuss it in the morning when he came home, and we discussed it for what felt like a long time, and he finally stopped me by telling me his views on me and sex. Below is the "Reader's Digest" Edition:
I Love you. I know you Love me. I know nothing will change that, and as long as you come home to me and Stitch, I'll be happy. I'm secure in our relationship, and I know that nothing will change that. Sex is just sex.


It blew my mind. I had been so totally worried about this, my head all tied up in knots over what I thought his reaction would be, and instead he wound up reassuring me. That didn't last very long though, because the sneaky asshole (and I mean it in the nicest way possible) decided to talk to Stitch about it while driving him home in the afternoon without even asking or informing me of his intentions. In other words, I was ambushed!!! I was not pleased! Yes, I know that if Shilo hadn't done this, it would have just sat in the back of my mind. Shilo can be a real instigator, much like a yappy dog nipping at my ankles. He gets things done, whether I like it or not.


I glowered at Shilo knowing that I was going to be giving him what was as of that moment, a well-deserved spanking before he left for work. No doubt he will argue whether or not it was deserved, but he got it anyway.


Shilo decided to go back to bed so I could talk to Stitch, who was teasing me mercilessly over this thing, and I was totally unprepared. I decided that the best thing I could do was show him the blog entry so he could read it and then ask questions.That's not what happened. Instead, he told me he was okay with it. I stopped him and told him he has no say in it. What??? No say???!!! Why???
Why would Shilo have a say in this and not Stitch? I told Stitch he unknowingly gave up his right when he decided at his 60th Birthday nearly 2 years ago to stop all sexual contact with me.


This is where the healing comes into play. I know what I told Stitch was cruel and unfeeling, but he needed to know what I felt. He rejected me. He treated me like I was no longer the woman he desired. Love is wonderful, yes, but merely telling me that he Loves me isn't enough. He's not impotent. He just stopped approaching me for sex. I'm a woman, I want to feel desired. I need to feel desirable. It was like he was throwing me to the wolves. Until my relationship with Stitch is on track, I cannot in good conscience engage in intercourse with other men, especially in an NSA way. I reminded him that he will probably statistically live another 20 years, and then I asked him if he wanted to spend it with me. I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it.


This isn't about sex at all. It's about Love and Respect for your Partner. It's about communication. It's not a complaint, it's a knock upside his head. A taste of reality. He/We need to work on our fucked-up relationship. He has to make an effort. Otherwise I will only be filled with guilt. I place value on my relationships. I haven't given him a deadline. I know I can't "force" him to do something he doesn't want to do, but my sincere hope is that he really Loves me and truly desires me. I promised him years ago that I'd never leave him and that I would always take care of him as long as I was alive. I told Shilo that before we got emotionally involved. Shilo accepted Stitch, Stitch accepted Shilo. Now it's time for Stitch to make that commitment to me.


Does this mean that I will never have sex with Shilo or the Boyfriend? I didn't say that. Those relationships are established. There's no need for them to be adjusted. Does this mean I won't start another intimate relationship with a male out of my extended polycule? Pretty much! Does this mean that I'll never experience a gangbang? I don't know. A whole bunch of that depends on what Stitch decides to do. Besides, right this moment, it's in the thinking stage. Even if things were perfect, it may or may not happen.


Slow tiny baby steps.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night

What?! Merry is talking about Gangbangs? What is this world coming to?


I need some release. Not sexual, silly boys, laughter! I need to release some laughter, and since a gangbang was a subject brought up over the weekend (NOT by me, for the record) I've decided to run with it. I admit to being under-educated about gangbangs, so lets just say I learned a couple of things.


I'm no stranger to sex, threesomes, foursomes, but not so much moresomes. I'm far from being a virgin, but I'm a lady, and proper ladies won't disclose numbers. Besides, when I reached (x) number, I decided that it was time to stop counting, although I could probably whip up a number within two digits of the actual number. Also of note is that I've never contracted a venereal disease in spite of the large number. I will also remind my readers that there's more genders than just male and female people, and I've experienced most of them.


Over the years, I decided that as a woman, MFF threesomes left me cold. I love women. I'm sexually attracted to people of all genders, so the idea of bringing a woman pleasure is not foreign to me, but being the recipient of pleasure by a woman has been foreign to me with one notable exception and she knows who she is, and that was closer to a foursome of sorts about a year ago, and neither Shilo or Stitch was with me.


I've had better results with MFM threesomes, although mentally I've resisted them since I started a relationship with Stitch about 13 years go. Yes, I'm polyamorous, yes I have a sexual relationship with both Stitch and Shilo, but I can not wrap my head around a threesome involving the two of them with me together. It puts me in a state of panic, and unpleasant "what if's" cross my mind. I think much of it has to do with Stitch being so uncomfortable with accidentally touching a man sexually. I discovered that during the weekend I married Shilo and I was napping with Stitch on a king size bed. Shilo got on the bed on the other side of me, and Stitch accidentally rubbed Shilo's ass thinking it was mine, and when the reality hit him, he quickly retracted his hand and apologized. I nearly laughed out loud when Shilo said ever so sweetly "I've been groped by men much better looking than you." It was supposed to be funny, but it just reinforced to me that a MFM threesome involving Stitch would never happen, and besides, I get the feeling that Shilo would be a bit intimidating for Stitch because Shilo has no shame. Quite a quandary, isn't it?


I don't have much shame either when it comes to my nudity or sexuality, although I will not engage in intercourse or act overtly sexual with Stitch in front of Shilo and vice-versa. I will even confess to being sexual with others in front of either Stitch or Shilo, but still, the idea of both of them together with me give me all sorts of sick feelings.


I promise I'll get to gangbangs, be patient, first let's discuss swinging. The word leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I've been invited to a few of them, but again, resisted. I also felt that my Mentor AKA:Daddy W (who I was never sexual with) would pass a harsh judgement on me. One thing he did know about (and approve of) was my attraction to a certain woman and he encouraged my friendship with her, saying that she and her s/o were "Good people." This resulted in me biting the bullet and asking my Boyfriend (who really is more than just a boyfriend, but we have jokingly admitted that we can't decide what to call it, so boyfriend/girlfriend it is) to attend a swingers party with me on a Sunday night. Shilo used to work Sundays, so I explained to Shilo what my plans were and why. To my surprise, it was pretty similar to a regular dungeon party but with LOTS more sex. My boyfriend was a gentleman and held me down along with the gorgeous woman's partner while she pushed me well past the throes of ecstasy. I haven't attended a swinger's party since then, but I know the word no longer leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.


Finally gangbangs! I will admit that I've read about them, and I know in a very general way what happens, but never attended one. Then I was given the lurid details of a rather impromptu gangbang that recently took place with someone I love as the main attraction. We both have quite a few people and things in common, so it made the story even more interesting, funny and stimulating. I guess it's kind of important for me to mention that when this discussion took place, I was moderately drugged so I could have a procedure done. In other words, I was a bit more giggly than usual. I was also fascinated in a very non-judgmental way and asked all sorts of questions and I truly appreciate her honesty. She won't know until she sees this, but she cracked open a door that can't be shut.


I can't quite decide what I will do with this information because a situation even remotely similar to this has never come up. I make anyone who isn't female wanting to be involved with me jump through so many hoops that many have simply walked away in frustration. But...but... this is so different, so foreign to any standards I've had before that it would require that I renegotiate an agreement I've had in place for over 12 years.


I remember discussing that agreement a very long time ago with my Mentor, and he told me in his far-reaching wisdom that once we (Stitch and myself) decided on something and we ironed out the details that we wouldn't have to worry about it because we could always reference it. Then he said (with that twinkle in his eye, almost as if he could see it happening) that a day might come when one or both of us and/or someone else would have a situation change, or we would have new information and we would have to discuss the new information and either renegotiate that agreement or trash it completely. I think that time has come because I have new information. I'm pretty sure my Mentor would be proud of me.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Not All Bad


Just in case anyone has misinterpreted my recent writings, things aren't bad. I do have periods of anxiety and occasionally feel removed, but I like to think of it as a coping mechanism that I use to get through the temporary insanity around me.


For the past week, I've been using my left arm to paddle Shilo's ass to a lovely shade of bright pink twice a day with few exceptions. My control of the heavy paddles is getting so good that I'm considering pulling the canes out for action this weekend.


I made an appointment with my piercer to remove most of my jewelry on Saturday evening in preparation for Sunday's MRI. Also, Shilo won't have to miss football on Sunday after all. My boyfriend and his girlfriend generously offered to take me for my exam, so it's one less worry. It's been a LONG time since I saw his girlfriend, so I'm really excited.


It also looks like Stitch found someone to handle the necessary gardening on Saturday afternoon, so one less worry. It's all kind of falling into place. Now I just need to get my sleep schedule back on track. It's nearly 3:30AM PST and I'm still awake!