Monday, October 28, 2013

Chastity, Cuckolding, and Other Such Things

I didn't start out with an interest in cuckolding, rather, it was a male submissive that brought it to the forefront about 2 years ago. He was a cuckold, and his wife decided that she was 'tired' of the 'hassle' that was involved with keeping him wanting more. Unfortunately, he wouldn't/couldn't give me the time that I expected of him. It was doomed, but it reawakened my interest in male chastity.

My interest in chastity started in 2007, about 3 years after I was the victim of a violent crime. It was in those early searches that I discovered male chastity groups, and, because of my honesty, and my voiced desire to actually go into chastity myself,  a few of the men took up my cause, and allowed me into their online group. I asked LOTS of questions, and they answered, and when work began on my chastity piercing, they cheered me on. From June, 2008 until January 2009, I endured 22 piercings (11 on each side) in my outer labia so I could get locked up. While it was not fun or pleasant, it was a Rite of Passage, and I grew from it. Unfortunately, I developed problems with the jewelry shifting, and one of the piercings rejecting, so in March, 2009, I had all 22 piercings redone. Did I mention that it was not fun? The pain and blood loss I endured gave me an inner strength that I still cannot explain to this day. By May, 2009, I noticed the shifting yet again, so I tearfully removed all my jewelry and gave up on ever being in chastity myself. I still have strange scarring where the piercings were. There are pictures floating about on the internet, but good luck finding them.

Anyway, during that time, I learned quite a bit about submissive males in chastity. I never expected it to become an interest of mine, and once I gave up on my chastity hopes, I stopped frequenting those groups. Then, with the cuckolded submissive, chastity was once more brought to the forefront. I occasionally would run into male submissives with chastity desires or cuckolding desires, but what bothered me about most of them is that they wanted penis humiliation. Then there were "bulls" who would often message me, offering to 'satisfy' me. WTF???!!! Not what I had in mind!

So, what exactly did I want? I wanted a male submissive who enjoyed (at least some of the time) being locked in chastity that didn't need or want penis size humiliation. My objection to penis humiliation has a lot to do with my ex-husband, the father of my children... He has a very small penis. In fact, there is only one other male I ever had sex with that had a smaller penis than him, and I'd really rather not get into those details. Suffice to say that I would not be able to do so with a straight face. When Shilo first showed up on my radar in March, 2013 I wasn't about to have anything to do with him. He had too many things about him that I found objectionable. The biggest one being his smoking. It wasn't until I read his blogs that he found favor (or was it pity?) in my eyes. He enjoyed all types of spankings, and he was going from person to person in search of "The One" a person who would win his heart (and ass) and he even went so far as to pay for the 'privilege' of being spanked by a pro-domme. I began to realize that I could fill his needs for a spanking, and my desire for a regular play partner that would contentedly stay by my side at parties and events. I offered to play with him at an upcoming party in June, 2013 and I maintained low expectations. His interest in chastity was also a contributing factor in that decision.

As anyone reading this knows, it all went very well, and we are not only in Love, but also happily married. I even put him in chastity on occasion. Now, his original desire for chastity was so he wouldn't masturbate, but he stopped when we both voiced a sexual interest in each other. Nowadays, I lock him for tease and denial, and, while he has a love/hate relationship with chastity, it mostly has to do with his own (often irrational) fears.  None of which he can actually voice. I want him, I desire him, I Love him! What really has him scared? I'm not sure. I can't reassure him about his fears because he's not exactly sure what has him bothered in the first place. All I can do is tell him the truth. I Love him, I enjoy sex with him, he pleases me in ways I never imagined, and, lastly, when I think about sex, the sex is with him, and him only. What more can he want?

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


The work has begun.

Shilo's depression, combined with mine, has made life nearly unbearable here at times. Expressing ourselves in a loving, caring manner had gone out the window, along with being generally nice to one another. Sunshine was 'out' most of Shilo's waking hours, because she Adores him, and she is the one 'person' that Shilo nearly always treats with kindness. In a way, she was a "buffer" when I was too sad or angry to really express myself.

Last night/early this morning, Shilo and I had an exchange of sorts, where we got a few things out in the open. It was a positive experience, and when he came in the bedroom to get me up for my doctor appointment, it was me, and not Sunshine. We had a long drive, so we talked about things, and, after the appointment, we talked more. The fact that each of us acknowledged our shortcomings and discussed our feelings and disappointments was helpful enough that we were able to be affectionate. Sure, we've had sex,but it's been a very long time since we kissed and made out like horny teenagers, and it was really needed. The mere fact that we were all over each other made me feel better, and I daresay that it had a similar effect on him.

I drove Shilo to work tonight, and we talked even more.  I'm optimistic about this, and I'm hoping that the worst is over.

Setting The Record Straight (An Open Letter To Shilo)

Dear Shilo,

Thank you for your honesty in your blogs. It helps me in assessing what is going on in your head, and it enables me to give feedback when necessary.

Yes, Sunshine has been out quite a bit. You already know that she's out when I'm very happy or excited or tired, but she also comes out when I'm sad or feel threatened. I'm glad she told you about my last entry. Your remarks about it allowed me to see what you don't see, and what Sunshine was worried about the most, you missed completely. This isn't a complaint, rather, it is a commentary on how bad off (depressed) you are.

I will be direct: I Love you, and I am in Love with you. Nothing will change that. NOTHING. Your "obligation" to me is to be honest, and to tell me about how you feel, and why you feel that way. My obligation is to listen to you, and hear you out. I don't know why you are depressed. I mean, I have a few ideas, but I am unsure of all the stuff. You need to bring it up (the depression) when I see the doctor today. Either that, or I will say something.

Now, back to my blog: You normally possess all those positive qualities I mentioned that I desire. PLUS a few I didn't mention. As for the undesirable qualities, I will admit that lately you've had a few (but not all) of them, but what had Sunshine upset, what she thought was bad, was the paragraph/sentences following that. I will quote:

"What effect does those undesirable things have on me? They turn me into an insecure unhappy person who would rather be dead than go on in misery."

That is perhaps the closest thing to a suicide note that I've ever written. She is/was afraid that I want to die. You missed that. It's okay, though. I have no intentions of offing myself. I made a promise to you, and I plan on keeping it. Even if you are depressed and acting difficult. My sense of responsibility will keep me going till I feel better. Till WE feel better.

I Love you so very much,

P.S. I could reply to a few of the complaints/remarks you made about my comments/new fetishes, but I also know that you are just having a hard time right now, and you wouldn't really be taking in the complete answers because your heart isn't really open, and you aren't ready for any fun activity anyway. We will discuss/do those things when you are feeling better.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Too Sleepy

Too sleepy to fall asleep. Too frustrated. Too sad. Too much work, and too much effort.

What are my desires?

Simple. I want a man who is able to communicate clearly and talks to me about his feelings. Someone who can simply say "I disagree, and here's why." Someone who actually listens and is able to pick up the nuances behind what I'm saying. Someone who will tell me the truth when I ask for it, but understands that, occasionally, I might have a WTF???!!! moment, but also realizes that I'll be calmer in a few hours once I process it. Someone who understands that sometimes I need processing time too. Someone who experiences and shares his emotions. ALL OF THEM. Someone who understands that I can be impulsive, but also realizes that I will present him in the best possible light even if I'm angry at him. I will clean up his 'messes' so he looks good. If he writes something that hurts, and it's in my power to remove it, I will. Not only for me, but so he looks good to others. Someone who is secure in the knowledge that I will Love and give till I'm fully spent. Someone who can be soft with me. Someone who Loves me in spite of my shortcomings. Someone who desires me because I Love him. Someone who feels devoted, not out of duty, but out of Love. Someone who understands that I'm currently doing a balancing act, and it gets harder by the day.

What are things that I find undesirable?

Petulance, passive-aggressiveness, coldness, whining, silence. I could go on, but I think anyone reading this would get the point.

What effect does those undesirable things have on me? They turn me into an insecure unhappy person who would rather be dead than go on in misery.

That's enough for now

Monday, October 21, 2013


It looks like we did just fine after all... Sunshine woke up today instead of me. Not that unusual, because she will often be the one waking up, especially if I'm really tired or just not well, and I've been both more often than not. PLUS, Stitch needed a ride to work, and it was just too early, and last night was diifficult at best. I got a late-night call from a friend (70) who came home after being away for 5 days, and she discovered her roommate (80) dead in the bathroom upon her return. Not good, so I was more melancholy than usual.

So, as stated above, Sunshine woke up after only 3 hours of sleep, drove Stitch to work, and told Stitch everything that took place between myself and Shilo. Not a good thing to do, but she has a mind of her own. Anyway, it was a good thing, because when she got home, Shilo was in the shower, and she talked to him. Explained how I want to protect him and that even though I know he's an adult, my first instinct is to mother him, etc. I wasn't really "there" when it took place, but she left a few details in my memory. (Thank you Sunshine!) She told him that his "punishment" was the knowledge that he disappointed me by misbehaving. She also told him that I wanted her to unlock him (remove his chastity device) but he refused at first. Later on, when they went in the bedroom, he let her remove the lock. She noticed the device was "full" (Shilo had an erection) and she left the room, and got naked (she was in footie jammies) and then she let me out. I climbed on top of him, and started kissing him, and he made a comment about hoping I wasn't Sunshine.

Later on, I told him that I am his wife first, and his Mistress second, but that he is my my slave first, and my husband second. I'll explain that later (another day) We also discussed/decided a few other things, and I am pleased that he took it all so well. Now I'm out for the rest of the afternoon/evening.

Sunday, October 20, 2013


Sunday will be over in a matter of hours, and I've been away too much. Yes, I have a job (or, rather several jobs) and responsibilities in a women's organization I belong to. It's required more traveling than I first imagined, and, yes, I'm exhausted. I'm away too much, and my Family is suffering. I can't always keep the home fires burning enough, and I feel like somewhere/sometime in the past week, I managed to fail both Shilo and Stitch.  It doesn't help that I am coming down with a sinus infection. I'm irritated at the slightest thing, and I'm generally unhappy.

I responded in an irritated manner to Shilo earlier this evening, because he made a noob mistake. The type of thing that would not have happened at all if I had been home with him instead of East Bumfuck, CA. I know I can't always be around, and I know he's going to make mistakes. I even understand that some of them will be HUGE, but I'd really prefer that he spoke to me first before he attempted to do something in the BDSM realm, especially if he has no idea as to what it entails. I mean, I LOVE him, and my first instinct is to protect him from people/things that I feel would be detrimental to him/us. It's kind of like when a child runs out into the street, and the mother runs after him, and yells at him, and spanks him or punishes him. It's the fear that causes the mother to respond that way. There's the relief, but also anger that the child did something he wasn't supposed to do. so, the child gets punished. No, Shilo is not a child, but when it comes to BDSM things, he is like a child. I really hope he understands my response to his mistake. I'm more angry at myself than I am at him. Stitch? Well, he's Stitch, and my personal goal for him is that he (FINALLY) learns to listen, and does what I ask him, instead of doing what he thinks I want done. I gave him a few assignments for this weekend, and it looks like he actually did what I requested. How much pushing/encouraging Shilo had to do to get Stitch to do it is something I don't know, but I'm sure I'll find out.

The most important thing I'm learning is that I need to be home to get things in order, get things done, and nurture these two. Making time for us is of utmost importance.

I think I'll post this sooner rather than later.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Back To...

No, I wouldn't quite say that. After all, what exactly is normal, anyway? I won't bore you with my tirade against "normal".  Let's just say that things are as they should be.

Let me further explain. In the very late night hours of Friday, October 11th, Shilo signed the slave contract he had presented to me the day before. I re-read the contract, voiced my agreement, mentioning an oral agreement on the time frame for discussing things, and signed it in the wee hours of Saturday, October 12th.

Shilo then requested that I place my collar around his neck, so I had Shilo kneel in front of me, removed the collar from Dolly, and placed it around Shilo's neck. I told him it was his permanent formal collar, and that I was happy that he desired to serve me as my slave.

I am honestly and truly happy that he wants to serve me, but I also know that the events that led up to me removing my collar from Shilo's neck cannot be undone, and, most certainly, should not be forgotten. The things that were said and done affected both of us, and, as a result, we both learned, and have grown because of it. Shilo needs to think and (possibly) ask before he makes a decision that affects us, and maintain a tone of loving respect, and I need to pay attention and remain vigilant when it comes to Shilo and his attitude. No, I don't want a sycophantic robot, but I also don't want someone with a rotten attitude that will usurp authority the minute I let my guard down, either. It's fine to tell me (quietly, privately) when I'm wrong, but it's not okay to disagree or tell me how to do things in public. I expect an honest assessment/opinion when I ask, but I don't want it given with a bad attitude. I know that Shilo is a very thoughtful person, and that he will look out for my best interests.

I truly Love him, and I know this will work if we both put our minds to it, and maintain honest communication throughout it all.

Friday, October 11, 2013


It's been a difficult week for me. Acknowledging that Shilo needed a "break" from being in service to me was a bitter pill to swallow, and dealing with the accompanying mood swings (his and mine) only proved to me that the break was necessary. Please don't get me wrong.... I Love Shilo. I'm in Love with Shilo. I wouldn't have married him otherwise.

The way I see it, our marriage is strong. Our devotion is where it should be, and we are still learning, but there is so much more that we have to learn about one another. Patience is the key.

Still, seeing my (Shilo's) collar on Dolly disturbs me. My collar belongs around Shilo's neck. I know that, he knows that. We were made for each other. When I woke up early Thursday morning, he was on the bed next to me, and he said there were papers on my computer keyboard. I looked, and there was a new contract that he wrote using our previous contracts as a guideline. I was impressed. It proved that his desire to serve me is still there, but it also proved that he wasn't the same person who signed the earlier contracts, and who wanted a contract with no 'escape clause.' I get the feeling that where he was once afraid and insecure, he now knows that I will not reject him. My Love is sufficient, and he is secure.

Shilo's growth and subsequent autonomy is pleasing to me. His insecurities that held him back are gone. It is as it should be. Serving out of fear of rejection is much different than serving out of Love and Devotion, and he now serves because of the latter. I am very pleased about that, and I am very proud of him.

Anyway, back to the contract: I read through it, and after considering the changes he made, I decided to accept it. I told him I would accept his proposed contract, and now all he needs to do is sign it and present it to me for me to sign. He has not yet done so, and he still needs to ask for me to place my collar on him again. I'm not sure if or when he will do so, but serving me has to be his desire. I won't ask him to come back as my slave and serve me, because my wanting him is not enough reason, and he needs to understand that. It has to come from his heart.

So, here it is, nearly 2AM on Friday, and I can't sleep because I miss him, and he had to work an extra shift this week. I'll eventually get into bed with Stitch and sleep, but I really want Shilo with me, instead of him being at work.  This is the wife part of me, longing for his touch and warmth.

Shilo, I hope if/when you see this, you understand and know that I will wait until you are ready.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Not So Ugly

Not too pretty either...

After a long talk with Shilo about things, and quite a few tears (mine) I had Shilo kneel and I knelt down in front of him, using his thighs for balance, and I removed his (my) collar from around his neck. I explained why I was doing it (I'm sure he already understood) and I told him he would have to earn it back and ask for it. Dolly (Sunshine's traveling doll) has it around her neck. I look at it frequently, and wonder where I went wrong. I mean, I'm the Dominant one, the responsible one, or, at least, I should be.

I almost immediately regretted doing it, but it was a necessary disciplinary measure. About an hour later, I went into Shilo's room (we had been in Stitch's room) and I asked if I could join him in a nap. I always ask if he is awake, because sometimes he likes to be alone. He was happy to have me with him, and not too much later, he was manhandling me, which led to some pretty intense sex. Which resulted in him having an orgasm and cumming in me (SURPRISE!) At that moment, I realized that as a married couple, we're okay. As a M/s couple, we need work. Even so, the usual protocol-type stuff we do is still there. I think (hope) that Shilo wants his collar back, and that he will do what is necessary to get it back. I will just sit back, watch, and be patient.

I'm still not exactly sure how he really feels about me removing the collar, but I'm also not willing to ask him outright how he feels. I know he is probably "processing" all this, and he will tell me when he's ready. I wrote this so he can see how I feel, and understand what is going on in my mind.

Well, it's time for me to talk to Stitch on the phone so I will end this.

Monday, October 7, 2013

So Many Changes

Has anything stayed the same?

Not really... I married my slave, Shilo, in a beautiful wedding ceremony on Saturday, September 14th. His parents were there, and two of our friends were the Maid of Honor and Best Man, and Stitch "gave me away." LOTS of pictures were taken, but we only got 12 of them. I paid extra for a video shoot of all of them.

More Business Trips, including one to Chicago, where I spoke and Shilo sat in the audience. Following that Business Trip was the move to OUR (all three of us) new home in Long Beach. We were still moving Shilo's stuff the afternoon of October 1. Our garage is full of belongings from all of us, and we often get frustrated at our inability to find certain things. Did I mention my still full storage unit in Torrance? We've decided to hold off on that till after my Business trip to Arlington, TX.

Without any of us really noticing, there's been a gradual shift in the power here, and I've only noticed it over the past few days. Don't get me wrong... I can be quite the "domestic goddess" at times, and Stitch will often team up with Shilo in some good-natured teasing of me, and I'm okay with that, but there's been other stuff brewing lately that I don't like very much, and it was confirmed this morning. I'm not sure how this will all turn out, but I get the idea that it won't be pretty.

There's SO MUCH to do here to make it our home, and I feel like I'm swimming upstream. I also need to find the words to talk to both Shilo and Stitch about the changes and my desires and their desires. THAT is a tall order, and I get the idea it's gonna get ugly.