Overdue Stuff and Emotional Plea

Superbowl Sunday, I had my MRI. After making sure I was heavily drugged, Shilo sent me off with my Boyfriend, who really deserves a better title, and his girlfriend (and many other things besides) . While he drove, we giggled and talked. I'm going to repeat it again: I am so lucky to have her as a metamour. She is a wonderful caring person, and we have quite a bit in common. I can't wait to see her again! Enough gushing!


The following day, I started my PT at the new place. I had gone 3 weeks without, and I definitely felt the difference because I had lost some progress. The machines were killing me, but I was really excited to be back on them.


I think I mentioned before that the agent who purchased the house is assisting us in finding a place. Well, we went there on Saturday morning (2-11), and on the way, we were informed that escrow closes March 1, and they would like us out by then. We were not prepared for that, and it put me in a panic. We moved into this house with the belief that it would be our "forever" home. None of us like moving, and I've moved three times since my mother died in December 2012. Having a short deadline only put more pressure on me.


It's really nice, but because it's a (newly remodeled) Townhouse, there's not nearly as much room as the House. Still, I can't complain. It's about 3 miles North of my childhood home on the same street. It's also centrally located, and within walking distance of a grocery store and the mall. I really am excited about the possibilities. PLUS, we can keep Donna Dawg-Lass and my cat Tsunami. What's sad was that we had to vote on the other cats. We were all in tears about having to vote, but we can't have 5 cats, one of which doesn't get along with the others, and another in poor health. Our former boarder is coming to get the disagreeable one, and we discussed euthanizing the sick one. That would leave us with 3 cats and a dog. Still one cat too many. He's an indoor/outdoor cat, so he would be hard to keep hidden, so we found someone to take him, but now they can't take him, and I'm heartbroken. I can't send him to the pound. He's a black cat, and they don't typically get adopted. I'll put more information at the end of this entry.


Shilo and myself also discussed it and decided to borrow money against my CD that has the last little bit of my inheritance left. We didn't take it lightly either, because the last thing we need right now is to owe more money, but we needed money to move. A lower amount was approved than what we asked for, but it's enough to pay the moving expenses and take care of other necessities. At least, I think it is.


Sunday evening, the three of us went to a long-awaited wedding of my Maid of Honor and Shilo's Best Man. We got to catch up with a few friends from the Hollywood Spanking Group, so it was extra nice. A little-known fact is that we got engaged at a Hollywood Spanking Group party. It was wonderful to see so much Love in one place.


Then came "Verdict Day" my appointment with the Ortho doctor. He told me my best option was to get a cortisone shot and continue with PT. I get my first shot on Friday morning. Ask me if I'm excited. No, I'm not excited. Not one bit! I'm scared. Like so afraid that I'm going to have to be drugged just so I can get through it.


Later in the day, I went to PT. After I finished my prescribed exercises I told the young man in charge of my case that I wasn't feeling challenged enough. That was really difficult to say, because it's not like I enjoy the pain and crying, but I want to regain my independence, and it won't happen unless I'm pushed a little harder. He sat me on a chair and pushed me while tears streamed down my face. He'd ease up, and then push harder. My muscle tone is so bad that without him holding me in position, my arm flopped down. I used to be so strong, I could lift and carry 100 pounds of dead weight, and yes, I can carry about 10 pounds now, and when this first happened, I couldn't lift a fork, so I've improved, but it's depressing. Talk about baby steps! Before I left I told him about the cortisone shot on Friday, so he told me to not exert myself or do my exercises over the weekend, and we'd start fresh on Monday morning (2-20)


I won't discuss what Shilo did at the bank on Monday afternoon, but he definitely deserved the lecture I gave him. He was finally remorseful Tuesday morning. He will be "paying" for his behavior for at least a few more days.

AND FINALLY, A REQUEST FOR HELP

I have 2 black cats, male, born in March 2014. I love them dearly, but I cannot keep them because I'm losing my home. The people who were supposed to take them changed their minds, and time is running out. Fran is very sweet and friendly and prefers the freedom of going outdoors on occasion. He likes other cats and dogs as well. He's never been around children, so I won't vouch for that, but I'm asking if any of you can help me with finding him a home, I would appreciate it. Please inbox me.

It's True....

I should be asleep, but this is important! You see, in spite of all the pain, anguish, and, yes, even the horrible depression Shilo and I have been going through, I feel it's importnt to remind my/our readers that we Love each other, and while I will feel like it's all falling apart, and it looks that way on all sides, it really isn't. We have a solid friendship besides our Love for each other. I frequently say that Shilo is an answer to prayers, and he is.

Stitch frequently mentions how alike Shilo and I appear to be. How we both tend to think and feel the same way, and how Shilo has brought out the best in me. He has, but he also will sometimes bring out the worst in me. Another thing; when Shilo and I are arguing, it gets very quiet. We speak in hushed tones. Oftentimes, it's not until an argument is over that others in the household even realize that there had been an argument.

We can also be polar opposites. That's a good thing, because we all need the occasional opposing view. He keeps a cool head when I need it, and I do the same for him. We both have social anxiety and panic attacks, but different triggers, so one is always able to help the other.

Shilo is very kind and patient and loving. He can be very sweet and affectionate when the mood hits him. He Loves me, and he Loves Sunshine. Sunshine adores him. The day we got married, Sunshine was told in no uncertain terms that she was not to come out during the ceremony. She was an obedient child, and did as she was told, but, after the ceremony was over, and the photographer was taking pictures, Sunshine came out. Our favorite wedding picture, the one that was added with the Wedding Chapel certificate in a special folder, is of Sunshine looking up at Shilo and just beaming with joy and adoration and Love. No doubt you've heard the saying that a picture paints a thousand words. That one tells so much more.

Our Best Man and Maid of Honor know about Sunshine, and when they saw the picture, they mentioned that "she" looked so happy.  Yes, I was happy, I am happy, but Sunshine's happiness is very important as well. When she decides she doesn't like something or someone, there can be hell to pay, so her happiness is a priority over mine. Not that I'd tell her that....

Anyway, bedtime for me! OAO!

Visiting The In-Laws PART 1

Consider this part one of a multi-part blog.

I very briefly met Shilo's parents when we got married in September. Keep in mind that Shilo had only given them the bare minimum of information about me, in hopes that my "oddities"  would not be known. His goal was for them to be happy that he was happy.  My goal was to appear as Vanilla as possible,  with no skeletons in my closet. Both of us did a good job, or so we thought. Little did we know...

I'm not ashamed of Sunshine. She is a part of me, and I would not be complete without her. My only  problem is that she can be hard to explain to others. I mean, how do you explain a very precocious 7 year old girl in a 52 year old body? It's difficult in the best of circumstances. Well  like it or not, Sunshine came out during dinner tonight, and instead of "covering"  for me, Shilo decided to introduce her to them. Sunshine had  me under the surface for most of the exchange,  so I can say that she was scared that his parents would reject her, but they were very  nice about it, but asked her too many questions,  and sometimes ask Shilo things. It was an educational moment. It turns out that Shilo's mom saw her coloring book and crayons in Stitch's room before the wedding,  so she knew something wasn't quite 'right'  but she was too polite to say anything.

When I came out later, it was awkward,  but they were accepting,  especially after they were told that Shilo knew all about  me early on in our relationship,  and that he got involved with me with both eyes open. Fortunately, Shilo decided to at least keep the polyamory under wraps. I'm not quite sure how THAT would have gone over... Anyway,  time for bed and meds. Goodnight!

So Many Changes

Has anything stayed the same?

Not really... I married my slave, Shilo, in a beautiful wedding ceremony on Saturday, September 14th. His parents were there, and two of our friends were the Maid of Honor and Best Man, and Stitch "gave me away." LOTS of pictures were taken, but we only got 12 of them. I paid extra for a video shoot of all of them.

More Business Trips, including one to Chicago, where I spoke and Shilo sat in the audience. Following that Business Trip was the move to OUR (all three of us) new home in Long Beach. We were still moving Shilo's stuff the afternoon of October 1. Our garage is full of belongings from all of us, and we often get frustrated at our inability to find certain things. Did I mention my still full storage unit in Torrance? We've decided to hold off on that till after my Business trip to Arlington, TX.

Without any of us really noticing, there's been a gradual shift in the power here, and I've only noticed it over the past few days. Don't get me wrong... I can be quite the "domestic goddess" at times, and Stitch will often team up with Shilo in some good-natured teasing of me, and I'm okay with that, but there's been other stuff brewing lately that I don't like very much, and it was confirmed this morning. I'm not sure how this will all turn out, but I get the idea that it won't be pretty.

There's SO MUCH to do here to make it our home, and I feel like I'm swimming upstream. I also need to find the words to talk to both Shilo and Stitch about the changes and my desires and their desires. THAT is a tall order, and I get the idea it's gonna get ugly.

Some Days....

Days like today, I just want to quit. Hide. Run away, not deal with the reality of it all.

I get married in 12 (TWELVE!) days to my slave Shilo. It was not a rash decision, and even though our engagement has been short (by all standards) it was well thought out. YES, I LOVE HIM  ANDI HAVE NO DOUBTS ABOUT THIS. No "cold feet" here. Just a feeling that I've failed someplace.

Make that a feeling that I've failed everywhere. If anyone can say or do something to bring me to my knees, it's Shilo. He's an expert at it. He knows exactly what to say to rip me to shreds, and, the worst part is that he's often blissfully unaware that he's shredded me. Or, maybe he knows, but refuses to share that information.  Either way, it happens. Then there's Stitch. Dear, sweet Stitch, who's afraid I'm putting him out to pasture because of mean-spirited comments from someone who should mind their own business.

I'm really stuck in the middle. Polyamory can really suck sometimes. Especially when each one "thinks" the other gets more "face time" than the other.  Splitting hairs over silly things. Feeling they aren't "good enough" or that I no longer Love them. I waste (yes, waste) way too much time on reassuring people. Oh, did I mention that now child #4 is also feeling out of sorts? The whole situation sucks.

Now, I could sugar-coat all of this, and say how great things are, but I'd be lying, and I want this to be a "heads up" moment for anyone who reads this.  

READER BEWARE: There are people out there who will be jealous of your happy poly relationships, and they will say and/or do anything to tear it apart. Watch out for it, because it will happen.

So, where does this leave me? I feel like I've burned the candle at both ends with a slow burn in the middle.There's so much more to this, but I'm not ready to pour it all out here yet.

Today, now, I'm questioning myself. Wondering if I did something wrong, yet knowing that even if I did something wrong, it doesn't make me a failure. It makes me human. That's right! I'm human. Not perfect. Just a person like everyone else. So, for now, I'll put up with all the pouting from everyone. I'll Love then, reassure them, coddle them if needed, and give LOTS of kisses and cuddles. These are the people I chose, and I chose them for good reasons, and yes, they are entitled to bad, insecure days. Unfortunately, there will be times like this when everyone will fall apart at the same time! My job is to keep my head, and remember that I CHOSE THEM! My Love is enough, there's plenty to go around.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm not being Loved enough. In cases like that, I need to be open and honest, and express myself in a kind, considerate way. I need to stand up and be heard. I need to insist on "me time", get refreshed, and then get back to being a loving partner.

One last thing before I go: I know I've never mentioned it here, but I am very much in Love with a woman. I'll call her "Z". Why do I bring hr up now? Well, because she sent me a very sweet Love note today. Without knowing it, she gave me the refreshing I needed. She is why I wrote this, expressed myself, and didn't run away screaming.  The difference between her and Shilo is that she's been around for a while, and she understands that having a poly Partner(s) doesn't mean that any others are a threat, and that time, while it's important, isn't all there is. She knows that all it takes is a little time, a word or phrase to warm up that other person. She is quite adept at that, and we go WEEKS without any type of exchange, but she is secure in her place. The difference between her and Stitch is that she doesn't listen to others and instead chooses to listen to her heart. Finally, the difference between her and me? About 100 miles... and she doesn't allow herself to get distressed over things.

I'm not distressed by her or her other partners, because I know that our relationship is separate from the others. She has enough Love for ALL of us.  I think I'll go cook a large meal today :-)