Alone With My Thoughts

I've spent many hours since my 'date' on Monday thinking about it. For anyone not in the loop, I've been seeing a vanilla guy for a few months now. I like him, I enjoy his company, and he's fun to be with. He knew sex (intercourse) was off the table, and he told me early on that he was fine with that due to ED. It was perfect as far as I was concerned. So... time and dates progressed, and I felt I wanted more. It all culminated on Monday with me inviting him to my home, and us kissing in the bedroom and graduating into him giving me orgasms via manual and oral stimulation. It was nice, more like okay, because I realized I just didn't have the emotional connection that i thought I did, and I took a big step by having him over. I know it sounds strange, but orgasms with no emotional connection means my pussy didn't get wet, and after he left, I felt empty, and I really couldn't talk about it or explain it to Shilo.

So, anyway, I'm just feeling empty, and a little used. But that confuses me. After all, I received oral sex and had the orgasms, but he got nothing and yet I feel used. I also feel stupid and guilty because this wasn't what I intended. It wasn't supposed to be this way, and even though I did nothing wrong, it just feels wrong. Maybe it's because I'm not in love with him, or maybe because I never intended for it to become sexual in any way. I mean, I'm not depressed, but I am unhappy with all this.

I don't even feel that I can talk about this with Shilo, because I'm afraid he will only turn this all against me, or maybe be more angry, and I don't want that. Yes, he knows what happened, but I never told him about this growing uneasiness. Still, I don't count this as a failure, but more of a learning experience. I mean, I'm still comfortable with the ides of meeting people, and maybe even dating, but perhaps I should add giving or receiving oral sex as a hard limit, at least when it comes to vanilla dating.

It could just be that I feel like this because vanilla guy hasn't contacted me since he left Monday afternoon. I guess my reasoning doesn't matter. I mean, I feel how I feel, and no amount of reasoning is going to make me feel better.

I guess it's time to step back and readjust myself. Count this as a lesson learned, and move forward, and then decide how I will handle this, because I at least owe vanilla guy an explanation of why I don't want to see him again.