Some Updates

Some of these are past due, but I've been more than a little preoccupied.


Right around June of this year, Shilo finally got to the point where he realized that he was on what I call a path of self-destruction.  He has decided that "Master B" is good for me, and while they will never become best friends, he has become accepting of our relationship and is friendly with him.  We've even gone out to dinner together and  Shilo finally sees how much he has in common with him.

Shilo also started taking better care of his diabetes and now is on insulin. He wants to stay as healthy as possible, and he's made great strides in eating right. Yes, he occasionally has snacks that aren't the best, but he's eating more vegetables, and is more willing to eat fruit instead sweets.

Our six year wedding anniversary is only 23 days away, and it really has been the best 6 years of my life. I feel loved and appreciated, and while things haven't been easy at times, he's been a quick learner.

We're closer now than I could have ever imagined, and it's because of his conscious effort to be present whenever possible.

I have pretty much retired from seeking a masochist to play with, and yes, it's a sacrifice I've done willingly. Still "Master B" understands what a sacrifice it's been, so he has bottomed for me several times, and his wife has offered to have me co-top with her when she has a play date, so there is that as well.

 My health is improving, and I meet my new GP in 6 weeks.

Also, I finally took some time to see my girl Trish this week. She lives in the Inland Empire area, which is notorious for it's heat, but we managed to stay cool, and it's been several months.

I just keep trying to focus on the positive here.

Competition?

It's Something I Learned A Long Time Ago :
 

No matter how "perfect" or "great" you think you are, there will always be someone who is younger, thinner, richer, prettier, or smarter than you are. You won't always be the center of attention, so learn to live with it.

The above doesn't mean you give up and become a shrinking violet, it means that you accept that fact, and make yourself memorable, hopefully in a positive way. It means that you might have to make more of an effort in some way, but if a person is worth being with and having in your life, they are worth that effort. Just remember that it's not a competition, and some people just want the next big thing, the newer, flashier model. Don't sell yourself out. Know your value. Realize that You have Value! You are worth it, even if you are tossed aside by someone because they prefer a newer flashier model, or even an older, more established model. This goes no matter what your age or gender.

 

I had several discussions yesterday regarding making an effort. Making the effort to let the other person know that they are valued. Telling me "I Love you" is nice, and I appreciate it, but your actions tell me so much more. The way you look at me when I enter a room, your touch, the effort you make to be with me, remembering the things I like, and being willing to show me your vulnerabilities. Showing that you trust me, but that's me. Maybe your needs are different. Talking about those needs.

 

Resting on one's laurels is a dangerous thing to do. Just because you have your "prize" today does not guarantee that you will always have them, and if you don't treat them like they are important to you, or stop putting forth effort and having the mindset of "Now that I have you, I can relax and let myself go to shit, and ignore you." you will have a hard lesson to learn.

 

I don't necessarily view myself as a "prize," but apparently there are a few people who feel I am, and I might occasionally wonder about their taste, I know that I can't neglect them because I'm so special that they are irresistibly drawn to me. No, I do my best to do things to show them that I value them as well, whether it's remembering their favorite music or food, or dressing a certain way. It doesn't require much effort. They do the same for me, and it makes the both of us happy.

 

Shilo is making the effort to relearn those things about me now that he's retired and at home. He's making a conscious effort to do things because for the longest time, he was so busy with work that he didn't have time. Now time is a more flexible yet fleeting thing, and he's making it count. He notices things more often and understands me in a way he never did. It's almost like our early days before we got married almost six years ago.

 

Where was I? Well, I'm not where I planned on going, but I rarely am. Time to refocus.

 

I could easily make myself crazy with jealousy over all those people who have what I don't, but I have a not-so-secret secret. It's not a competition. I don't have to compete with that pretty young thing with perfect hair and makeup and mani-pedi's. Sure, she might occasionally get the attention that I want (and think I need) but I have something she doesn't have. I've been 'tested,' and anyone with a decent amount of maturity (and I'm not talking about age) knows that there's nothing quite as nice as going someplace where your comfort comes first. Your own bed, your "special" chair, those shoes that make you feel like like you're walking on air, and being fed what you like. The whole "There's No Place Like Home" feeling.

 

Know your value. I know mine.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYMscILUZAw

Quick Post

When I think about where I was 11 months ago, and now, I'm honestly surprised.  Shilo might read this, but because it's not really a secret, I figure why not? I wrote some about what's been happening back in September (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2018/09/whats-really-been-going-on.html) and, other than that, I've been pretty quiet.

So let me take you all back a little further. He (my Master) discussed collaring me in mid-July, and at that time, I had a theoretical conversation with both Shilo and Stitch about it.  Probably because Stitch as been around so long, he enthusiastically supported it, and Shilo was much less enthusiastic, but said he was okay with it.

I didn't bring it up with them again, knowing that December was far off, and that would be the soonest my Master and I could go to an event that sold collars, but I had looked at several online, and decided that because I have metal allergies, anodized aluminum chainmail would work best.

In the meantime, there has been some health issues with Shilo, and we have been practicing "The Show Must Go On" mantra. In other words, don't allow situations stop us from living, and we got some answers on the morning of November 30th, and Stitch and myself already had plans to go away that weekend. Me with my Master, him with my Master's wife.  I swear, it's not as kinky as it sounds. So the following day was the event we had been waiting for, and I was presented with what I feel is a lovely collar.

 See how happy I look? Well, I realize that Shilo isn't too wild about surprises, so I sent him a more somber looking picture of myself in the collar (Deleted because it was just that ugly) on Sunday morning and he was less than happy about it.  When I came home Sunday night, he was at work, but we managed to have a rational discussion, where I agreed that if it ever bothered him, he would be allowed to remove it, but he must be willing to put it on me whenever I ask. He later told me that his choice was to treat it like a necklace. So far, in the nearly 2 weeks since I've had it, he has not chosen to remove it. I removed it once, about a week ago when I retouched the purple in my hair, and I figured out how to put it back on.

It's loose enough that I don't feel choked by it, and it has just enough weight that I can feel it most days,  Laying on my back is a bit of a problem, because even though it's not tight, it "feels" tight, because the excess goes to the back. It's all in my mind, I know it's not tight, but I will sometimes have a brief moment of panic. So, other than that, life is going on as best as can be expected.

I am also seeing a transgender woman on a casual basis, and we have a rather interesting backstory, but that's for another day.

What's REALLY been going on

I will start by saying that while Shilo is completely aware of what has been going on; or, at least as much as he wants to know, 2018 has definitely been a year of change for me, and it has taken me in a very unexpected direction. It's not necessarily bad, but it has, on occasion caused an upheaval within my Household, particularly when it comes to my husband Shilo. He has requested that I not discuss details with him, and so, Shilo, if you happen to be reading this, I ask that you stop now unless you have changed your mind regarding knowing details. Thank you my Husband, I Love you with all my heart.

Okay, for those of you left, it's no secret that my online presence has been sporadic for the past 6 months. Yes, I read you, but my replies, if any, rarely occur on the publishing date. Long story short, I've been away at least one weekend a month, and even when I'm home, I'm preoccupied.

So, What Is It Merry?

 

 

That would require us to go back quite a bit. If you go back to July 2017 through January 2018, you'll have a pretty clear view of how a really good polyamorous relationship can turn to shit in the blink of an eye. I was forced to learn to Love myself more, and when my ego took such a hard blow, and I was falling apart emotionally, I felt unlovable, and it was a struggle to get my head together. I simply wanted to hide and never attend another event ever again.  If it wasn't for my female friend helping me that fateful night in January (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-aftermath.html) my life would no doubt be a disaster right now. Instead, thanks to her insight, I am in a very happy relationship with her husband! I didn't stutter, Yes, on that night, she suggested that I "try out" a toy with her husband! Her husband didn't interest me at all, but the toy (a Sybian) did. They didn't have it that night, and they were both sick in February and March, so when April arrived, I went to the Munch they host, and talked to them about bringing it to the next dungeon party.

She suggested that I negotiate the scene with her husband before the party by email, so I spent 2 weeks emailing back and forth with her husband. At this point, I should mention that they are a Dominant/Dominant couple, and my interest was simply trying something I've always wanted to do. I should also mention that, yes, I am a Sadist, but I do have a masochistic side to me, and sometimes, it presents itself in the most unusual way.

Finally, the night arrived, and Shilo went with me so he could drive. It was the last time he set foot in a dungeon. He had told me the week before that he was no longer interested in a FLR-DD relationship, and he had no interest in funishment either. I wasn't concerned about it, because I figured I'd have the forced orgasm scene with my friend's husband, go home, and just forget about BDSM for a while. After all, I was still having issues from my accident, and we hadn't done much since my recovery anyway. No real loss, I thought.  (There I go thinking again!) The scene went okay, but I was a bit too intimidated by the noise and people, so I couldn't completely "let go" but I had quite a few quiet orgasms. I was definitely worked up, and I went over to hug him in thanks, and he whacked my ass with his big bear paw hands. It was enough to flip a switch in my brain. Let's say that I was hooked, but I didn't know it yet. I was giggling and having fun. Then I saw his face. He was smiling! Laughing, even! In all my time knowing him, he was serious and standoffish.  I guess a switch flipped for him as well.

I didn't even realize that we had chemistry at that moment, but it was developing, and within the course of a month, he won my heart. My friend, his wife, was happy until she saw the change. What change? Well, let's just say that while I'm no less a Dominant/Mistress in my household, I became increasingly submissive (dare I say, slavish?) towards her husband. In fact, I am his slave. What can I say? It crept up on me, and as my Love for him has increased, I've become even more devoted to him in that way. While Stitch (my long-term Partner) is thrilled, Shilo has done his best to be happy for me, but it's been a struggle for him to watch. Knowing that not only have I become a slave to this man, but I'm in Love with him, and because he doesn't want the details, his imagination is carrying him into some heavy-duty scenarios. I could reassure Shilo that there's been no intercourse (yet) and that there's very little (if any) spanking me involved, but I doubt that will completely reassure him. Besides, he refuses to listen to any details. All he knows is that we are really into each other, and I spend at least one weekend a month with him (and his wife, although there's nothing going on between her and myself. ::shudders::) plus I see him every Friday night for a few hours.

So... Here I am, a full time Dominant, Mistress and slave. It's not nearly as contradictory as it sounds, and I have found a balance and Peace of mind beyond what I ever imagined.

So, now that you are all armed with that information, feel free to ask any questions.

::Thinking:: (3-17-18)

Numbered, but in no particular order of importance...

1. I seem to be incapable of staying angry or upset, or even hold a grudge for very long. I "blame" it on my belief system. Forgiving (but not forgetting) is how I handle most things. Sure, I need a "cooling off" period where I will cut off all communication so I can heal, but once that's over, I can allow that person into my life in small doses, but I rarely, if ever, invite them back. I also treat them with caution so I don't get hurt again.  I don't believe in blaming a person, even if they did something wrong, choosing instead to start over.

My only exception is my oldest, who I cut off a year ago in hopes that he would straighten out his life. (tough love) I purposely avoid speaking to him.

2. I've really enjoyed my time of self-reflection, and I'm happy to share that I really believe my decision to focus on current friendships/relationships instead of looking for something new was a great idea. I still haven't gotten to all of my tertiaries (people I rarely see, but love with all my heart) but I'm working on it. The best thing has come out of this decision... I've discovered how much I really love and care for someone, and it really makes me feel good, because I wasn't looking for it at all. It has truly surprised me on a very good way, because it was so unlikely. I want this (and really all) my relationships to form without pressure.

3. I'm learning more about myself, and probably the best thing I learned is that even though I'm polyamorous (I'm capable of loving more than one person) and pansexual (I'm attracted to the person, not the gender) I'm also demisexual. (I have to love the person and feel attached before I can even think of being sexual with them) It's really put things into focus for me, and suddenly everything makes sense. Understanding my attachments and why they are the way they are means I will have better control in the future in the sense that I can avoid bad relationship habits.

4. As a result of all of the above, I've had some intense "conversations" with Shilo, and I'm hoping that it will result in better communication with him. If nothing else, at least I know what questions to ask when he turns quiet and how to better solve our problems. Also, before anyone comes at me to say they never have problems, I call bullshit. In any  healthy relationship, there are times when one will disagree with the other person. That's when talking about feelings comes in handy. If I've learned anything, it's that just because I'm the one with the authority, it doesn't mean I should arbitrarily decide on something without consulting with the rest of the Household. Changes are much easier if everyone is on board in advance. Avoiding a mutiny is always a wise idea.

Processing (12-28-2017)

Don’t mind me. I’m just sitting here at my desk thinking about recent events. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about things, only… 

 

 

Well, only in this particular case, there are others who have asked about my feelings, and even some who are concerned enough to want to reassure me. Between you, (the reader) me, and the lamppost, I’m glad for the reassurances even though I don’t need them. It proves to me that I really am cared for, and that my feelings (mostly positive, as opposed to negative, but undecided) matter. Having my feelings matter is important, and a very big thing for me.


I won’t lie: Yesterday, there was a (very) brief moment where a voice told me that I didn’t have a choice in the matter, and that might be true in a way, but what it didn’t say (and never says) is that I’m not any less important just because of the changes. I know where I stand. I know my place, I know my history, and I recognize my importance. What makes all this (my feelings and the events) funny is that I’ve had this conversation with both Stitch and Shilo at one point or another, regarding them and their status with me. The tables have turned a bit. The only difference is that I’m not left wondering why I can’t be “enough” because I know that reason. I have also known for a long time that something like this was going to happen eventually.


“Just coffee, “Just a meeting,” “Just a play date,” “Maybe a sub,” “WOW!” I’m familiar with those phrases. I’m also familiar with “How do you feel about,” “Do you like,” and “I’m thinking about.” I’ve always voiced my opinion since my meltdown in June of this year. It was very “unlike me” to do that, but I was also taken seriously because I’ve never done that before, and I probably will never do it again. It was that meltdown that opened the door to the phrases I mentioned earlier in this paragraph.


A few weeks ago, I was given the “How do you feel about” in reference to more than one person for various reasons. I replied positively about most, but I also expressed some unease about a situation and gave various reasons why, including that I hate to see or hear about someone I love getting disappointed by something or someone. I have reserved the right to say “I told you so” in those matters, but instead I usually get “You were right” and that makes me feel good.


I’m glad I wrote about this. I feel more clear-headed about things now. If someone were to ask me about my feelings, I’d say that I’m okay. I don’t want or need reassurances right now, but if that changes, I promise I’ll say something.

(Almost) 5 Months Post Polyamory Agreement and Other Events.

I know, I rarely post here, but I figured it was time for me to update on my boyfriend (Mike) and how our relationship is going post agreement.

Mike has had several starts and stops with female subs, including one I was excited about finally meeting. He used the "L" word (Love) with her, and she panicked and ended it. Apparently she wanted just sex, in spite of claiming that she was polyamorous. Not a good match!

For most of July (and part of August) before he went back to school (He's in his second year of Law School at a college in OC) his communication was sporadic, and I knew he had lots of things on his mind, so I didn't make an issue about it, choosing instead to initiate conversation and not complaining. That first Saturday after school started, we were texting back and forth, and he was telling me that weekend homework was bad enough, but doing laundry in the tiny apartment washers and taking his bedding to the cleaners because of the tiny washers was killing him. A light bulb went on in my head.  I said "Honey, that's just too much! How about if I help you? You can drop off your laundry here and pick it up at your convenience? I have a HUGE washer and dryer." He hesitated, but I added "Nobody will complain."  I just viewed it as an additional way to see him at least twice a week, and he would have to communicate with me on a regular basis. 

It's worked out really well. Sometimes it's a quick drop off and pickup, and other times he plans a nice date with me on the drop off day. On the Sunday before Halloween he took me to Magic Mountain with him! I've been eating delicious vegan food as well, because when he takes me out, it's always vegan. He said he doesn't mind me eating meat, but I enjoy the adventure of trying new things. I have only had one bad experience with vegan food, and it was when he made vegan pizza for me. Pizza isn't my favorite food to begin with, so after that, I just told him that pizza and I don't get along very well.

We were texting back and forth Tuesday (11-7) afternoon, and he mentioned how happy he was with our relationship. Then I dropped the bomb that I was thisclose to ending things with him before we made a formal agreement because I was feeling like I was just an option to him, and not a priority at all. He would  rarely contact me, and our dates (when we had them) were rushed and/or he was distracted. Now when we go out, he's always as focused on me as much as I'm focused on him. He holds my hand when we cross the street, and he smiles and laughs. It's just really good to be in that space with him.

In other news, the submissive I was "considering" considering wasn't communicating with me very often, in spite of my encouragement. It was frustrating, and it reached a boiling point when at noon the day before my Magic Mountain trip, he sent me a message asking me why I didn't tell him where we were going that evening. I told him we weren't going anywhere because he never bothered to contact me about buying tickets, so I made plans to sit at home and watch shows that were accumulating on my DVR. I gave him a few days to think that over, and then I made a last-minute dinner date with him, and then asked him to join us (Shilo and myself) in attending a dungeon party. During that date, I reminded him that maintaining our relationship was his responsibility because I'm not going to pursue him. I told him that yes, I was very interested in him, but I need to feel desired, and if I'm the one to always make contact, then something is lacking. It's gotten better since that talk last week and our dungeon date went well. I sent him a text yesterday afternoon asking him if he was free this weekend, and he was very enthusiastic.

Friday (11-10) is Shilo's Birthday (he'll be 61!) and we haven't made any definite plans because he's been sick this week. 

Finally, my honesty about who I am and what I do, and how I live seems to be paying off, even in "Lake Vanilla" AKA Vanilla dating sites (OKC) I've been ignoring my stuff there for a few months, but I got a very nice detailed message last week from a recent NY transplant. I quizzed him on my profile content and his opinion on it, and I suggested that he ask me anything he isn't sure about. We had a late lunch yesterday, and he's genuinely nice. Not holding my breath, but having someone who who only wants to go out with no expectations is a breath of fresh air.

If you're curious about my dating profile, you can find it below:

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/freenpoly

Pay No Attention To The Men Behind The Curtain!

I'm considering "considering" a submissive. I've decided to take this slowly and see if he's really up to serving me, and I have no desire to rush things. He's recently divorced, and sometimes I feel as if he wants romance. Romance can be nice, but it's not what I want right now. I've spoken in a very straightforward way about this. I'm not fond of breaking hearts, so I have been honest to a fault. He's even met Shilo, and is completely aware of what he's getting into. Still, I am taking this painfully slow.

Strangely enough, my boyfriend is dating someone new, a polyamorous female submissive, and things are progressing well. I'm looking forward to meeting her, and I plan on working hard to not make comparisons. I'm glad he's seeing someone, because he actually seems happy, and I recall how unhappy he was just a few months ago.

Then, over the weekend, I received an email from someone who knows me well enough to call me "Mistress Merry" and he made references to Stitch and Shilo as well. It was slightly unnerving, because I didn't recognize the name, so I explained that I didn't recognize his name. Fortunately, he gave me his middle name and I remembered him.  It was actually someone that liked both Shilo and myself, and was interested in serving a couple, and liked the idea of being part of a "harem"  (his words, not mine) I'm actually thinking of taking him up on his offer and putting him to work around the house. I could use an escort/driver to weekday evening activities, and he would be perfect. Maybe I can start  doing fun weekday stuff after all...

So yeah, there are men behind the curtain, but for now, pay no attention.

Life Is Funny That Way

All that kerfuffle for nothing!

Okay, I admit it: I wasn't exactly thrilled with my boyfriend's rapid descent into insanity by getting together with a woman shortly after his girlfriend broke up with him. 

 However, I was thrilled that he was willing to meet with me and negotiate an agreement regarding our polyamorous relationship. I was even more thrilled when he kept his promise and met with me. I found a vegan cafe within walking distance of where I live recently, so that's where we went.

I wasn't happy about this new girl, but I never told him on our numerous back and forth messages because I honestly didn't know how to approach it without sounding snarky or bitchy.

When he texted me about being on his way, he made an offhand comment about this being a particularly difficult week.

At this point, not much he says or does surprises me. Still, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the new girl not only broke it off with him, but she also blocked him on all social media. I swear I had nothing to do with it, but I did tell him about all my concerns regarding her. He completely understood, and even mentioned "dodging that bullet." I'm glad he saw it that way.

So we did have that sit down meeting about our polyamory agreement, and I'm pleased to say that I got most of what I asked for. I even suggested that he gets to know a few women on my circle of friends that are nice and eligible.

I will try to update on this at a later date to see if he follows through.

On Being Part of a Harem

In this entry, I use the word Harem as a group of women who engage in sex with one man.Yes, I'm polyamorous, and I do have 3 men that I'm in a sexual relationship with. There's Stitch, my Partner of nearly 13 years, Shilo, My slave/husband of 4 years, and then there's my boyfriend that I've been with for 3 years. In this case, because Stitch and Shilo are monogamous by choice, and my boyfriend is polyamorous, I'm part of his harem. 

Up until very recently, I was happy with my place. I had 'seniority' because I've been around the longest. He has several FWB's that I knew of, but I outranked them, and I'm also younger than them, and then he had his girlfriend who was younger than me. In my heart, she outranked me, but she happily treated me as an equal, or even like I outranked her because of my position as a Dominant,and because I've been around longer. Unlike his other relationships, ours can best be described as egalitarian. We're equals. It works for us.

Several weeks ago, he and the girlfriend broke up. Nobody bothered to tell me. I found out along with everyone else. I was hurt because I wasn't treated like I had any place in their lives. To me, it was common sense that I should be informed before the general public.  I brought it up with my boyfriend, because my relationship is with him, not her. 

Then, this past weekend, my boyfriend took me to stay overnight and spend the day with him. Even though I made it perfectly clear before, he started to talk to me about his FWB's.  Those women do not affect our relationship, and I honestly don't want to know details about them. He's been told that before. Several other things happened  that only made the situation even more uncomfortable for me, and because I wanted to avoid an argument, I waited until I got home, and sent him a note. (Paraphrased below)

Thank you for having me over. I was really looking forward to it, and I really enjoyed my "full immersion" vegan experience. I'm looking forward to more experiences like that with you.

There were a few things I really wanted to say, but didn't because I was afraid I'd say it wrong or it would be misunderstood, or, even worse, I would lose your admiration.

Here goes:

I'm not stupid enough to think that it's been just your girlfriend and myself in your life. I know you have FWB's etc; but I really (and I mean REALLY) don't want to know any details. The only time I would want to know is if you happen to impregnate one of them, which I realize is next to improbable/impossible. I really feel that unless it's a serious relationship, I don't need to know about it. I hope you understand I'm not upset or angry, it's just that I would prefer that some things were kept private.

The other thing I wanted to do is ask you an uncomfortable (for me) question. Did I say or do something offensive, or was something about me bothering you? I promise I won't be upset if you tell me. You seemed a bit distant and less affectionate than last time. You seemed to have no interest in giving me oral sex, and I wasn't about to demand it, but I felt that maybe there was something wrong with me, and you didn't want to be near me, or tell me what was on your mind. I just need you to be honest with me about it.

Love,
Me

P.S. I really did have a wonderful time with you.

His reply was:

 You are welcome.

I will keep details of my less serious relationships to myself. I told you about them in order to be completely open with you, but I can respect your wishes about that.

But no, you did not offend me, or anything like that. I think I was probably missing her so much that I could not concentrate on you as much as I should, and I apologize for that. I thought I was up to seeing you or others, but I guess not, as nothing really went the way I expected with anyone this weekend.

 After that, I figured he understood me, so imagine my surprise and shock when I found out he had a relationship status change with a new woman. Again, I was left in the dark! Didn't I mention that I wanted to know about important things? Was this not important? I sent a series of notes to him (again paraphrased)

That was fast! Remember our conversation about telling me things? This is something I'd like to know about in advance. 

I'm hurt and angry that you didn't even mention that you had someone on your radar. Surely she must have been on your radar before today.

(he apologized)

And now you know what I mean about important vs. unimportant.

I think I managed to get the point across though, because I got the following message this afternoon.

Just a heads up, (new girl) and I are going to update our profiles to show we are dating.

I thanked him for letting me know in advance. It was all I really wanted in the first place. Acknowledgement that I matter. I also realized that I had acted coldly towards this new girl, and it was unbecoming. I also owed my boyfriend an apology and explanation, so I sent this note:

I was having a less-than-stellar day yesterday, and it bled into everything else. I'd like to apologize if you felt I was abrupt, demanding, and/or pouty. I know you know I'm not normally that way, and I feel rotten about overreacting.

However, after talking it over with Shilo this morning, I realized that you're really the only secondary (because we don't live together) relationship I have. The others, while not casual, are much further removed. Also, because of how we started, we never really had any type of agreement, and looking back, if we did have one, much of the confusion and hurt feelings that's happened in the past week might have been prevented.

Would you be willing to meet with me for an hour or so next week so we can come up with something? I feel it would benefit the both of us as we go through this period of change. 

He acknowledged it would be a good idea, and we will hopefully meet next week and go over the agreement I have with Stitch and Shilo, and what I would ideally want from him, and what parts of my agreement with the two of them that he wants carried over into our relationship agreement. Even though it is by no means legally binding, at least it will prevent future problems, and having a written guideline will allow us to reference it if/when problems arise.

The Miracle of An Open Heart

A few days ago, I write about the unexpected death of my friend Tommy. I decided that maybe forgiveness had a place in all this. I unblocked all the people I had blocked on my vanilla Facebook page. I had no idea of they would even bother to contact me, but I had opened my heart to that possibility.


When I did that, I noticed someone who was a former neighbor of mine from when I was married to the father of my children. For reference, I left him 21 years ago. About 10 years ago, this person found me on Facebook, and we would sometimes message back and forth, but this friend got upset because I neglected to put a birthday greeting on their wall in 2011. I had a good reason, but this person went ballistic, so I blocked them.  When I unblocked this person, I checked out their page. I was happy to see that my former friend was doing well.


Today, I went to an inactive social network page of mine, and I found a message request. It was from that former friend I mentioned above. The message was from 2 years ago, apologizing for their actions. There was a phone number attached, so I called from Shilo's phone (blocked) The first time, the person hung up on me. The second time, it went to voicemail, so I left a message,saying I would call back soon.  I waited 15 minutes and tried again, but it went to voicemail, so I replied to the message online. This person apologized again, and I could tell it was sincere. We agreed that I would call sometime over the weekend. I'm happy it turned out this way.


I could leave with that story, but I have another related to forgiving. On early March, I went back on OKC after a 8+ month hiatus. A slightly older gentleman messaged me (In fact, several people messaged me, but this is about this one) His wife had recently died, and he just wanted someone to talk to. We talked on the phone and emailed each other, but I was still having problems with my frozen shoulder, and we (Shilo, Stitch, and Myself) were still trying to find somewhere to move.  I told him that I'd be a few weeks with limited internet, but I would call him on a regular basis, but by the end of March, he stopped calling or replying. I was sad that he didn't bother ending things and just left me hanging, even though I acknowledged to myself that the timing was off. I like closure.


Anyway he called me this afternoon and apologized for disappearing without a goodbye. It turns out he met someone, and they're pretty serious. I guess he thought I'd be upset or disappointed, but I'm happy for him. I even acknowledged that the timing was wrong for me.


I guess I'm two for two, and I feel pretty good about it.

Sex Talk (A Continuation of Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night)

If you're confused, please read the following first:

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/gangbangs-and-other-things-that-go-bump.html

So, are we all caught up now? Good!!!

When I wrote "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night" it was my way of mentally processing everything that had been discussed, and also to make it clear that my experience, while vast to some, was barely scratching the surface, and that I wanted to admit my ignorance in some areas of the sexual realm. I also wanted to share that I'm not perfect, and I had misjudged some sexual practices out of ignorance and preconceived notions. I'm not into using 'slut shaming' for my brothers, sisters and others who enjoy tasting out of the more hedonistic menu. I even admitted that I had tasted out of the more hedonistic menu at times, but I had resisted some things, based solely on the name of those items without actually trying them. I admitted to stopping keeping count of sexual partners from my past. Not necessarily out of shame, but more from realizing how inconsequential many of them had been. I know how many people Shilo has been with (about 5) and how many women Stitch has been with (I'm #3) I believe my Boyfriend has been with several inconsequential people as well, and I don't care about the number. To me, the only one who "counts" is the woman I consider to be his Primary. Yes, I know about the ex-wife and etc. but please allow me my peace of mind. Anyway, I admit to having many NSA relationships when I was younger.


When I began dating Stitch in 2004, I was damaged from a recent crime that put me into full-blown PTSD and I was afraid of my own shadow. It unfortunately wasn't my first experience, and PTSD really can suck the life and joy out of you. He was slow and patient with me. I told him about my submissive and explained that my BDSM practices had nothing to do with sex. We made an agreement on my Polyamory that was my idea and stuck to it. Yes, we've altered it over the years to include certain others like Shilo and the Boyfriend (The Boyfriend really does deserve a better Title, doesn't he?) but the basics are still there regarding how I go about adding others, meeting Stitch (and now Shilo as well) and my purposely complicated approval process for sexual partners that I made up for my emotional protection. Just under our 2 year dating mark, the Boyfriend told me he wanted to jump through those hoops. I admire him for his perseverance. Did I mention that his Primary was the one who encouraged him to do so? She's a real gem, and I'm happy to have her in my life.


NSA sex (intercourse) with men was a part of my long ago past, but that was long ago. I officially kissed it goodbye when I made that agreement with Stitch, although it had been a long while since I actually did it by the time I was dating Stitch. In fact, I dated him for 10 months before we actually "did the deed." Like I wrote above, I was damaged. I think that we're all caught up now.


So in the early morning hours of Tuesday, February 7th, I completed my blog "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night." I had a snack, and since Shilo works modified graves, I called him at work to tell him I had written something and that I wanted feedback. He surprised me by telling me that he had already finished reading it. I started to ask him how he felt about it, completely forgetting that he wasn't alone. We agreed to discuss it in the morning when he came home, and we discussed it for what felt like a long time, and he finally stopped me by telling me his views on me and sex. Below is the "Reader's Digest" Edition:

I Love you. I know you Love me. I know nothing will change that, and as long as you come home to me and Stitch, I'll be happy. I'm secure in our relationship, and I know that nothing will change that. Sex is just sex.

It blew my mind. I had been so totally worried about this, my head all tied up in knots over what I thought his reaction would be, and instead he wound up reassuring me. That didn't last very long though, because the sneaky asshole (and I mean it in the nicest way possible) decided to talk to Stitch about it while driving him home in the afternoon without even asking or informing me of his intentions. In other words, I was ambushed!!! I was not pleased! Yes, I know that if Shilo hadn't done this, it would have just sat in the back of my mind. Shilo can be a real instigator, much like a yappy dog nipping at my ankles. He gets things done, whether I like it or not.


I glowered at Shilo knowing that I was going to be giving him what was as of that moment, a well-deserved spanking before he left for work. No doubt he will argue whether or not it was deserved, but he got it anyway.


Shilo decided to go back to bed so I could talk to Stitch, who was teasing me mercilessly over this thing, and I was totally unprepared. I decided that the best thing I could do was show him the blog entry so he could read it and then ask questions.That's not what happened. Instead, he told me he was okay with it. I stopped him and told him he has no say in it. What??? No say???!!! Why???
Why would Shilo have a say in this and not Stitch? I told Stitch he unknowingly gave up his right when he decided at his 60th Birthday nearly 2 years ago to stop all sexual contact with me.


This is where the healing comes into play. I know what I told Stitch was cruel and unfeeling, but he needed to know what I felt. He rejected me. He treated me like I was no longer the woman he desired. Love is wonderful, yes, but merely telling me that he Loves me isn't enough. He's not impotent. He just stopped approaching me for sex. I'm a woman, I want to feel desired. I need to feel desirable. It was like he was throwing me to the wolves. Until my relationship with Stitch is on track, I cannot in good conscience engage in intercourse with other men, especially in an NSA way. I reminded him that he will probably statistically live another 20 years, and then I asked him if he wanted to spend it with me. I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it.


This isn't about sex at all. It's about Love and Respect for your Partner. It's about communication. It's not a complaint, it's a knock upside his head. A taste of reality. He/We need to work on our fucked-up relationship. He has to make an effort. Otherwise I will only be filled with guilt. I place value on my relationships. I haven't given him a deadline. I know I can't "force" him to do something he doesn't want to do, but my sincere hope is that he really Loves me and truly desires me. I promised him years ago that I'd never leave him and that I would always take care of him as long as I was alive. I told Shilo that before we got emotionally involved. Shilo accepted Stitch, Stitch accepted Shilo. Now it's time for Stitch to make that commitment to me.


Does this mean that I will never have sex with Shilo or the Boyfriend? I didn't say that. Those relationships are established. There's no need for them to be adjusted. Does this mean I won't start another intimate relationship with a male out of my extended polycule? Pretty much! Does this mean that I'll never experience a gangbang? I don't know. A whole bunch of that depends on what Stitch decides to do. Besides, right this moment, it's in the thinking stage. Even if things were perfect, it may or may not happen.


Slow tiny baby steps.

Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night

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Not All Bad

Just in case anyone has misinterpreted my recent writings, things aren't bad. I do have periods of anxiety and occasionally feel removed, but I like to think of it as a coping mechanism that I use to get through the temporary insanity around me.


For the past week, I've been using my left arm to paddle Shilo's ass to a lovely shade of bright pink twice a day with few exceptions. My control of the heavy paddles is getting so good that I'm considering pulling the canes out for action this weekend.


I made an appointment with my piercer to remove most of my jewelry on Saturday evening in preparation for Sunday's MRI. Also, Shilo won't have to miss football on Sunday after all. My boyfriend and his girlfriend generously offered to take me for my exam, so it's one less worry. It's been a LONG time since I saw his girlfriend, so I'm really excited.


It also looks like Stitch found someone to handle the necessary gardening on Saturday afternoon, so one less worry. It's all kind of falling into place. Now I just need to get my sleep schedule back on track. It's nearly 3:30AM PST and I'm still awake!

All Over Again

Yes. Things have been rough lately. I've shed way too many tears, and my emotional pain has sometimes been unbearable.  I've been here before, and I've suffered these all-too-familiar feelings before,  I know what it is like to feel alone in a crowd, to feel unloved in a room full of lovers. To feel hopeless, helpless, unloved, unwanted undesired. To feel like a failure.

Still, I also know the Joy of Loving someone, truly Loving someone, and knowing that they Love me back. That undeniable feeling of Hope and Joy for someone who truly 'gets' me. Feeling invincible. The butterflies when I'm being held, touched and kissed. The sharp intake of my breath when I'm being kissed or held, and I'm just floating on air. The pleasant giddiness of it all.

Just because I know that wonderful feeling, it doesn't prevent the earlier-stated negative emotions from coming on, and, granted, I have earned my stripes in the suffering department, so it's not really an overreaction on my part. I would almost dare to challenge anyone who feels I'm weak to walk a mile in my figurative shoes and get through it without feeling despair at times.

But this "All Over Again" I'm referring to is is the Love. No, there's not a recent Love or attraction over the past few days. Nothing like that. It's that I was reminded again how well Fetlife archives messages from our past by a friend, so I took a trip down 'Memory Lane' back to 3 years ago when I was in a fragile state over the unexpected death of my Mother, and things felt hopeless for me. I read messages that started off so innocently, and how they turned flirty, and then developed into a mutual wanting, and then Love, and how it happened over the course of a few months. I started reading them analytically, but in the hours of reading, I found myself falling in Love all over again with him.

I've never stopped Loving him, but the weight and burden of going through this shitstorm called life, I forgot just how much I'm Loved by him. I forgot how shy we were, and how afraid we were of opening up to each other. I forgot what a delight I was to him, and how much tenderness was expressed between us. I needed to remember that it's still here. That our commitment to each other still stands. How much he loves not only me, but Stitch as well.  The sacrifices we all made so we could be a Family.

Yes, I always say how important it was and is, but I forgot all those wonderful feelings that came with it.  How he described me in his early journal writings. His eagerness to please me, and my uncertainty of whether I could actually take a chance with someone new, someone who had what I thought of as character flaws, most notably smoking cigarettes and an aversion to rejection that was so strong, I wound up in an M/s relationship against my better judgement with him.

I'm alone right now. Stitch is asleep in his room, and Shilo is at work, but reading those notes, messages, and journal entries have me feeling it all over again. Falling in Love over and over again with someone is perhaps the best feeling of all.  Remembering how very precious I am to someone else. Retracing those first few steps into an unknown and untested territory.  Giving up, giving in. Feeling all those feelings just like the first time, but knowing the rest of the story. The one that says "and they lived, and they laughed, and they hoped and they dreamed. They had struggles and storms, and held onto each other when things were tough, and even though there were times that they got frustrated and felt like giving up, they didn't. They just kept Loving each other whether they were crying or at odds with each other, because that's what people who Love each other do. They don't give up."

I think that's the best part. Whatever discouragement I've felt is now tempered with falling in Love once more with Shilo.

Addendum: Stitch and myself have been together for 12+ years, and while it may seen to some that Stitch is on my back burner, it's not that at all. We seem to weather storms together without the uncertainty that has happened more recently with Shilo. This isn't to say we don't have our 'moments,' it's that we are so established that we don't worry. Stitch is a talkative extrovert. I know that one day, it will be the same with Shilo even though he is a quiet introvert. It's the difference between the tested and not-so-much tested, the new and the not-so-new.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZi6qNi9TeU

Alone With My Thoughts

I've spent many hours since my 'date' on Monday thinking about it. For anyone not in the loop, I've been seeing a vanilla guy for a few months now. I like him, I enjoy his company, and he's fun to be with. He knew sex (intercourse) was off the table, and he told me early on that he was fine with that due to ED. It was perfect as far as I was concerned. So... time and dates progressed, and I felt I wanted more. It all culminated on Monday with me inviting him to my home, and us kissing in the bedroom and graduating into him giving me orgasms via manual and oral stimulation. It was nice, more like okay, because I realized I just didn't have the emotional connection that i thought I did, and I took a big step by having him over. I know it sounds strange, but orgasms with no emotional connection means my pussy didn't get wet, and after he left, I felt empty, and I really couldn't talk about it or explain it to Shilo.

So, anyway, I'm just feeling empty, and a little used. But that confuses me. After all, I received oral sex and had the orgasms, but he got nothing and yet I feel used. I also feel stupid and guilty because this wasn't what I intended. It wasn't supposed to be this way, and even though I did nothing wrong, it just feels wrong. Maybe it's because I'm not in love with him, or maybe because I never intended for it to become sexual in any way. I mean, I'm not depressed, but I am unhappy with all this.

I don't even feel that I can talk about this with Shilo, because I'm afraid he will only turn this all against me, or maybe be more angry, and I don't want that. Yes, he knows what happened, but I never told him about this growing uneasiness. Still, I don't count this as a failure, but more of a learning experience. I mean, I'm still comfortable with the ides of meeting people, and maybe even dating, but perhaps I should add giving or receiving oral sex as a hard limit, at least when it comes to vanilla dating.

It could just be that I feel like this because vanilla guy hasn't contacted me since he left Monday afternoon. I guess my reasoning doesn't matter. I mean, I feel how I feel, and no amount of reasoning is going to make me feel better.

I guess it's time to step back and readjust myself. Count this as a lesson learned, and move forward, and then decide how I will handle this, because I at least owe vanilla guy an explanation of why I don't want to see him again.

Again With The Horses

This time, excerpts from the horse's mouth! No, not one horse, several of them. Due to the anomic aphasia, some words might be eliminated or changed, but I will strive to keep the meaning the same.

Name of horse:Child #4 (Babyman)
What was said: "Dad called and said he's not gonna challenge you and Auntie in court next week."
What it means to me: Well, I'm more than a little suspicious... What does he (Deadbeat) have in mind anyway?


Name of horse: Me (to Babyman)
What was said:"I'm going to listen to your voicemail from him."
What it means to me: Well, I couldn't believe it was really true, so I listened to it. Decided I'd call him (Deadbeat) and catch him off-guard.


Name of horse: Child #2 (Boo Bear)
What was said: "I ordered parts for my car so I can fix it all the way and get it out of your driveway."
What it means to me: Finally! After 4 months, it would be nice to not have to park our cars on the street!


Name of horse: Soft Kitty (A sub I was considering)
What was said: "If BDSM isn't sexual for you, then I can't submit to you."
What it means to me: Honestly??? Well after the whole back and forth of the past 3 weeks where he couldn't make up his mind on anything, I'm kind of relieved.


Name of horse: Me (to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "I'm the Dominant, and since you are now seeking another one, please block me so I don't have to watch."
What it means to me: Relief, Honestly, I'm relieved. It was getting to be too much work to get even a little cooperation.


Name of horse: Smartest Horse up until sometime back (needs a new name)
What was said: "I guess I didn't Love you nearly as much as you Loved me, but I do care for you."
What it means to me: OUCH!!!  Well, not really... I had my suspicions. Things had been tanking fast back then, and if it hadn't ended the way it did, it would have ended for a myriad of other reasons, and the time he was in the pasture was good for me, and a little heartbreak every now and then is good.


Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'm looking forward to riding your ass."
What it means to me: Well, I am... We enjoyed our rides before, so why would this be different? Oh yeah... He's been in the pasture, and I'm in a completely different headspace. I'm a little anxious/nervous, but I'm sure the horse hasn't completely forgotten how to make me purr in delight.


Name of horse:Me (to myself)
What was said: "Must stay calm, and stop counting down."
What it means to me: well, it's a habit, and I'm understandably feeling that way. I'm afraid (scared shitless) of how we will react to each other


Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'll let you take the lead in the emotion department."
What it means to me: WTF???!!! This isn't like me at all! I'm already putting up my emotional guards.


Name of horse: Shilo
What was said: "You've got a boyfriend" (said in a sing-song voice)
What it means to me: He's teasing me in a good-natured way. It's his way of showing approval, but he doesn't want me to get hurt. I don't know how or if I should reassure him. Opening my heart means I run that risk. I will try to not obsess too much. (Too late!)


Name of horse: Babyman
What was said: "I don't worry about your relationship with Stitch anymore."
What it means to me: He's finally understanding that polyamory can work.


Name of horse: Deadbeat
What was said: "I decided to not fight you and your sister in court next week."
What it means to me: I have mixed feelings. All this has been nearly 9 months in the making, and it's taken this long because he kept fighting it. So, while I'm relieved, I'm also angry because of all the time, energy, and money spent on what could have been solved MONTHS ago!


Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: "I Love you babygirl, and I'm so glad we're alone."
What it means to me: What he's really saying is that he's glad I took Babyman home today. Having him here cramps our lifestyle. I agree 100%, but I love my time with Babyman.


Name of horse: Me (to anyone reading this)
What was said: "I Love all my children, and they mean the world to me."
What it means to me: Just what I wrote. It's just that I'm out of the closet now in most areas, but I don't feel comfortable doing more than hugging Stitch or Shilo with them around, and I most certainly can't run around the house naked with them at the house.

Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I want all the best for you, and I know you're out, so maybe things will be better for you two now."
What it means to me: I'm just really happy to have his approval and guidance.

Name of horse: Me and Horse that needs new name
What was said: "NSA is best for now."
What it means to me: I'm trying to protect my heart, and I think he is too.

Name of horse: Me (to myself)
What was said: "I can't believe all this stuff has gluten in it."
What it means to me: Exactly that, Feeding Shilo is getting more difficult, and I hate reading labels, but I know it will pay off.

Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "Maybe you wanted it too bad and rushed it and that scared him."
What it means to me:I agree, but it was his (Soft kitty's) indecisiveness that finally made me give up.

Name of horse: Baby Sister
What was said: "I'm glad he (Deadbeat) finally gave up, but I'm pissed about all the work."
What it means to me: Me too! I completely agree!

Name of horse: Neurologist
What was said: "The Specialist and I were discussing changing Babyman's meds. How do you feel?"
What it means to me: Not again! Too much work! Let's stay with this cocktail for a while.


Name of horse: Banker (I was trying to close an account AGAIN!)
What was said: (A whole series of irrelevant questions)
What it means to me: This is why I hate people. I'm too antisocial for this!


Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: What's for Dinner?
What it means to me: OOPS! Time to get off the computer!

But I have one final horse...


Name of horse: Random sub male on collarspace
What was said: "Will UB my Domme? How much do U charge?"
What it means to me: Oh Gawd NO! I'm getting sick of this!

My REAL reply: No, I'm not an elephant or a prostitute. (figure it out reader)


Okay, off to fix a gluten-free meal!

Me and That Damned Saddle!

"Back in the saddle again": Riding the horse you either fell off of, or getting on a horse you've ridden in the past, but not for a long time. Either one is quite an accomplishment, because it takes a certain amount of bravery or foolhardiness to do it. I mean, you just never know. What if the literal or figurative horse bucks, or gets skittish? What if you can no longer find your comfort zone? What if you discover you no longer enjoy riding that horse? So many fears, so many "What ifs."

So, I have this horse... I have a saddle, and I'm getting ready to put the saddle on the horse. I know I'm going to get in that saddle, but there are still questions. Simple ones, like will I just sit and not ride, or will I ride it? How long will I ride it? Will I ride that horse into the sunset?

Yeah, I know I'm getting way too worked up over this horse, but it was a much-loved horse that I enjoyed riding, and it's been a really long time since I rode it. You see, I put that horse out to pasture a long time ago, only to discover recently that this horse was fit for riding again. It's a special, one-of-a-kind horse. A horse of a different color.

I laugh a little when I think of that beloved horse, because it was the smartest horse I ever rode, up until then, and I've ridden other horses since, some that were stubborn as mules, others that were much younger than that horse. But all of the others are gone, save for the smartest horse ever until this point. That one I keep. So I now have the smartest horse ever, and this other horse that is coming in from out of the pasture that used to be the smartest horse, but will now be considered the second smartest one. One did not replace the other, nor will it replace the other. After all, they're horses.

I think that waiting on this horse to arrive is going to be making me crazy. Yee-haw!

Sick Still

In about 10 hours, it will be a week since I saw my doctor and was informed that this "plague" I'm suffering from isn't the flu. Call it what you want, it's made me miserable, and other than the several times daily cleanup with baby wipes, it's been a week since I've showered,  Yeah, I feel disgusting. I don't know how either Shilo or Stitch can stand being near me. Must be Love.

So, anyway, people ask me about my relationship with Shilo. I do my best to explain, but, unless you're living it, it's not easy to explain in a simple way. I've Loved Stitch for over 10 years now. He's my partner-in-crime, my very special, much-loved ex-husband. People forget that before Shilo, there was Stitch. Stitch who made the adjustments, Stitch who had to learn to share me. I'm not saying Shilo has had it easy, but the adjustments, in regards to me, has been minimal. Shilo met Stitch, knowing that Stitch is/was a part of me. There was short period of time, after Shilo and I got engaged that caused some confusion on Shilo's part, but fortunately, it was short-lived.

There was some 'posturing' and competition until it was explained that there is no real competition. Stitch has his place, Shilo has his, and neither one can replace the other. Stitch is not a masochist, nor is he submissive, and, while Shilo is very protective of Sunshine, he's not her Daddy, and Stitch fills that role nicely. There's other things that Stitch does too, but it's not relevant to the subject.

Since Shilo and I got married, we've managed to get along well. This isn't to say there haven't been disagreements, but we've managed to talk things out. The source of most of our disagreements stems from tallship, and he's got a deadline to move out.

I've dated a few times since Shilo and I got married, but nothing serious, and since I have rules in place for dating someone new, I'm not too likely to get sexually involved with another man or woman anytime soon. Yes, it has now been well over a month since I've engaged in intercourse with either Shilo or Stitch, but, as a rule, I'm sexually satisfied. I doubt very seriously that anyone could make me feel as wonderful as they do, and I'm not going to go looking just to satisfy a temporary need.

I'm very much in Love with Shilo and Stitch, and I don't want anyone else. How many people do you know that can honestly say that? The best part (for me) is that there's no hiding anything. I can hold each one's hand, hug them and kiss them in front of the other, and say "I Love you" without any fear. There's no awkwardness when we're in the same bed together. There was some awkwardness the first night I slept with Shilo, but only because I'd never done that before. By sleeping, I mean sleeping, not sex.

This brings me to my final point: While I never hide my Love for either of them, I also don't parade one in front of the other. I don't have sex with one in front of the other, and I am very private about it when it happens. I try to have sex while the other is away or out of earshot. 

Any questions?

Competition

There is none. I say it all the time. Each (male) person fulfills a different aspect of my life, and, in most cases, one cannot substitute or replace the other. The truth is, while there might be some overlapping skill sets, there is no true replacement for the other. Also, there is always room for more. I am able to love each one fully in my own way. One does not and can not take from the other.

Think of it like a household with multiple children. Each one is loved. Nobody goes without. So, what happens when a new child enters the family, and there's jealousy or sibling rivalry? Ideally, this doesn't happen, because each one knows their place and position, but sometimes, even with all the talking and pre-planning it happens. Someone will get an award at school, or someone won't pass the tryouts, and everything will turn upside down due to the extra attention bestowed on one or the other. Each one has different needs at different times. Yes, we want one to be happy for the other one, but sometimes it's hard or downright impossible. Sometimes, even with all the reminders of love someone will feel a twinge of jealousy. Someone will (temporarily) feel insecure. Someone will be overlooked. When that "someone" is you, it's not easy. Even when you are reminded that you are important and special.

I'm far from perfect. I make mistakes. I forget things. I overlook things, and I even step on the feelings of others unintentionally. When does something go from being a "Merry" thing to being a "Merry and Stitch" thing, or a "Merry and Shilo" thing, or a "Family/Household" thing? How do I know this? When our female boarder asks me Tuesday afternoon if everything is okay between me and Shilo because there was no sound of Tuesday morning WMS, how am I supposed to answer that? When and how exactly did that become a Merry and Shilo thing? Or Monday night lasagna dinner with Stitch? Or late night talks with Sherman? There's even the stuff I do exclusively with my female boarder. I separate those things. Those things are definitely "Merry and (insert name here)" things. Other things are still "Merry" things, like the beginning of the month shopping at the 99 cents only store. I mostly do it with Stitch still, but I've done it with Shilo as well. There's the post-dungeon ice cream stop in Rosemead. Also the pre-dungeon dinner in Rosemead that seems to have mostly fallen by the wayside. I never know how things will change and evolve.

So, what do I desire, and how can I get it? I desire clear communication. I can ask for it, but sometimes I don't know how to ask for it. Generally, if something is important to me, I'll tell a person. but unless someone tells me a thing is important to them, I'll place the same importance on it as I do when it relates to me. An example: Cards and celebrations are important to Shilo when it comes to events such as birthdays and (monthly) anniversaries. I used to treat it like it wasn't a big deal, because it wasn't. It took me not giving him a card on his birthday for him to have a meltdown, Once that meltdown took place, and we discussed our different opinions on it, I learned what he expected, and I do my best to get him  a card on our monthly wedding anniversary date, and I will make a big deal on his birthday with a card, because I was told. Stitch doesn't make a big deal on his birthday, so I still keep it low-key. Who knows what types of expectations Sherman has? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

MORAL OF STORY: Plenty of Love to go around. No real competition. Talk about individual needs, desires, and expectations. My mind-reading skills are not as good as everyone thinks they are.

IN CLOSING:  Naptime!