I’m Not Stupid Nor Am I Confused (3-6-2014)

For the past 20 years or so, but mostly in the last 15, I’ve felt like I was slowly going crazy. I come across as being of at least normal intelligence (being modest here) until I open my mouth. No, I’m not that bad, but I will try to explain. I cannot remember names. Even worse, I frequently call things by the wrong names. A good example of that is about 2 days ago, I asked Stitch to get my clothes out of the oven. The word I needed, and couldn’t remember, was “washer”, I didn’t struggle when I said “oven”, but I knew I used the wrong name right after I said it. I’ve called the kitchen the garage, the garage the bedroom etc. Ad nauseam. I cannot remember the names of people either. Normally, it’s not a problem, and I can wing it, but imagine my horror last month when I had out of town guests to introduce and couldn’t remember Shilo’s name! He’s my husband! I just kept talking, struggling to remember his name, so I could introduce him to them. Finally, he picked up on my discomfort and introduced himself.

Sometimes, I just feel like crying or want to die of embarrassment over it. People don’t understand because I don’t look or act impaired, and there have been times when I wished I looked or acted “different” so people wouldn’t judge me so harshly. On really bad days, I avoid speaking to anyone but Shilo or Stitch because the stress of having to remember a person’s name is too much for me. I ignore people at parties so I don’t have to struggle to remember their name. It can be a very isolating experience. When it comes to writing or public speaking, I manage to look polished because I can “look up” a word, or even ask someone at home what the word I want is. Once I’ve written it down, all I have to do is read it, and nobody knows that I’m unable to remember the name of the thing I drive (car) or the thing that water comes out of (faucet) or the name of the place I cook dinner (kitchen) or even my home address. I can’t even remember the name of the disorder, but I wrote it down earlier. It’s called Anomic Aphasia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anomic_aphasia). I have what I would consider a mild case, because most of the time, I remember and can say the correct words of things, but places and names are a constant thorn in my side.

Please understand. This is not a pity party. This is me sharing and explaining why I am the way I am. It’s me asking that you laugh with me and at me when the wrong words come out, and, instead of correcting me if you know what I meant to say, just act like I said the correct word. Trust me, I know when I’ve used the wrong word, so there’s really no need to embarrass me further unless you’re just petty and/or cruel. Also, in the remote possibility that I made no sense at all to you, politely ask me to repeat myself. I won’t be angry or offended if you say you didn’t understand me. All I ask for is a little kindness. Thank you.