Changes

Some things change, others don't. The amount of my Love for Shilo has changed, the fact that I Love him hasn't. I can honestly say and write that my Love for him has only increased in the time I've known him, the time we've been together. I can't help but Love him. He is a wonderful and caring person. He has many qualities that I've always wanted in a Partner, in a husband, in a submissive/slave.

And, yet...

We are in what some people might call a rough patch in our relationship. We both have problems with clinical depression, and it seems to have hit the two of us at the same time. It really sucks. Hell, it more than sucks. It's downright scary. If it wasn't for the fact that I believe him when he says he Loves me, I'd be really worried that our marriage was falling apart. I'd be afraid that he was going to walk out and never return. I'd be afraid that I had to face all this emotional turmoil alone. We haven't really talked about this as much as we should (my opinion) but every time I read his journal, I see how dissatisfied he is, and it only makes me sadder, because I can't do anything about it. I can't "fix" him, and he can't "fix" me.

So...

What do I do? I don't know. I'm at a loss here. I know what I won't do. I won't give up. I won't stop Loving him. I won't give in to that ache inside me. I won't, because it goes against all that I believe in.

What do I believe?

I believe that Shilo was an answer to my prayers, I was an answer to his prayers, and to the prayers of others. I believe in Divine Intervention. I believe I have an Obligation to Shilo, as his wife and Mistress, and to God, who brought us together. I made a Promise, and I'm sticking to it, because I know that this depression is temporary, and, if memory serves me right, I've survived every other bout of depression, so I will survive this too. I also have the feeling that Shilo has been in this state of mind before, and that he will get through this as well. Our odds of surviving this is pretty good.

I'm wishing and hoping that all these bad feelings go away soon. That we can both get back to a better state of mind. I need to believe it's true.

The misery and self-loathing will go away, and I will come out of it a better and stronger person..

My message to Shilo:

I Love you. NOTHING will ever change that. We will get through this together, and someday soon, all this will be a bad memory. Don't give up.