For My Husband Shilo

I have so much to tell you, and the words often escape me. These are things I want you to know, and I know that some of it might be painful, but you deserve to know what's in my heart and on my mind.

When I tell you "I Love you," it means that I Love and accept all of you. The good stuff, the bad stuff, and even the ugly stuff.  Right now, there's lots of bad and ugly stuff.  Because I Love all of you, it means I will stay with you no matter what.  I made a promise and a commitment to you, just like I did with Stitch.  It doesn't mean that I'll never get angry or frustrated, but it does mean that I won't desert you. Going out with friends and other people isn't deserting you. It is me taking care of myself so I have the strength to be here when it really counts. It wouldn't be fair of me to put undue pressure on you or Stitch. I need somewhere and someone I can go to talk to about what I'm feeling and and to remove some of the pressure I'm feeling. Someone who isn't involved with you. Someone to reassure me. Expressing my fears and concerns about you allows me to give you the Merry you know and and love.

I understand that you now have regrets and second thoughts concerning my relationship with "Master B." In my defense, I gave you several outs before I made my commitment to him. I asked you many times, and gave you opportunities to tell me that you didn't approve. The last thing I wanted to do was cause you pain. Even after I realized it would hurt me, I gave you an out, but you insisted that you were okay. I took you at your word. Then I made my commitment, believing that I had your approval. You know my beliefs concerning promises and commitments. I can not and will not go back on my word.

Very early on, before you got involved with me, I explained my polyamory to you.  I even explained how I feel about promises and commitment. That has not changed, and it will not change. You agreed, understanding that I promised you that I would not end things or desert you.  I have kept to that.

I was and still am physically and sexually attracted you.  I Love you, you have so many wonderful things about you, and I really couldn't imagine my life without you. I don't know how much more I can express this to you. The idea that the cancer could take you away is frightening, and my worst nightmare.

I know that it troubles you that Stitch doesn't feel threatened by "Master B" and he has been very supportive about it. I wish it was the same for you, but I can't change your mind. However, I know that you like logic and facts, so I will toss some your way. As always, I am being completely transparent.

I do not feel that "Master B"  is physically attractive. Or, at least, he isn't to me. However, he spent hours listening to me talk, and he knows exactly what pushes my "feel good" buttons. He doesn't have to even touch me to get me "there." All it takes is a few choice words said just the right way, and I am "girl goo." He also knows what things he can do to me to have an immediate effect on me. He enjoys having that power over me, and I won't lie, I like it as well. He also is a sadomasochist, so I will often Top him much to my delight.

I don't think he will ever engage in penetrative sex with me, not that it matters. He prefers the whole "tease and denial" of forced multiple orgasms. He enjoys pushing my masochistic limits more than the forced orgasms. My attachment to him is purely emotional. Yes, I Love him, but I Love him in much the same way I Loved "Daddy W."  This is not a real threat to you.

His love for me is based on his ability to please me in unconventional ways.  I don't make demands on him, nor do I argue with him. We feed each other's emotional needs. He constantly reminds me that as much as he loves me, he would never want to take me away from you. His responsibility is to his wife, and I know she is reassured by that fact.  She has said that she owes me a debt of gratitude, because I brought him back to life by being an inspiration to him.  He is no longer angry and moping.  He is pleasant to be around.

As for me, I feel he makes me more pleasant as well. I'm actually less likely to argue with you. He is a positive influence on me, and he takes me places that would be cost prohibitive for us. He is the dating version of the "Disneyland Dad." He spoils me rotten. and when I come home to you, I feel like all my burdens have been lifted. I can tell him what I'm feeling, even the horrible stuff, and he doesn't judge it.  He is my cheerleader, and he wants me to be happy.

Speaking of Disneyland, I know that my new relationship with Trish is something that might have you concerned.  I want to reassure you that she wants to be a help to me and provide emotional support. I told her very early on that her timing wasn't the best, and she understands her place in my life. I will maintain transparency with you.

This isn't everything I wanted to tell you, but it's all the words I remembered. What it boils down to is that I am your wife and I will always Love you, no matter what, and nobody can stop that.

With Love,
Your Wife Merry