For My Husband Shilo

I have so much to tell you, and the words often escape me. These are things I want you to know, and I know that some of it might be painful, but you deserve to know what's in my heart and on my mind.

When I tell you "I Love you," it means that I Love and accept all of you. The good stuff, the bad stuff, and even the ugly stuff.  Right now, there's lots of bad and ugly stuff.  Because I Love all of you, it means I will stay with you no matter what.  I made a promise and a commitment to you, just like I did with Stitch.  It doesn't mean that I'll never get angry or frustrated, but it does mean that I won't desert you. Going out with friends and other people isn't deserting you. It is me taking care of myself so I have the strength to be here when it really counts. It wouldn't be fair of me to put undue pressure on you or Stitch. I need somewhere and someone I can go to talk to about what I'm feeling and and to remove some of the pressure I'm feeling. Someone who isn't involved with you. Someone to reassure me. Expressing my fears and concerns about you allows me to give you the Merry you know and and love.

I understand that you now have regrets and second thoughts concerning my relationship with "Master B." In my defense, I gave you several outs before I made my commitment to him. I asked you many times, and gave you opportunities to tell me that you didn't approve. The last thing I wanted to do was cause you pain. Even after I realized it would hurt me, I gave you an out, but you insisted that you were okay. I took you at your word. Then I made my commitment, believing that I had your approval. You know my beliefs concerning promises and commitments. I can not and will not go back on my word.

Very early on, before you got involved with me, I explained my polyamory to you.  I even explained how I feel about promises and commitment. That has not changed, and it will not change. You agreed, understanding that I promised you that I would not end things or desert you.  I have kept to that.

I was and still am physically and sexually attracted you.  I Love you, you have so many wonderful things about you, and I really couldn't imagine my life without you. I don't know how much more I can express this to you. The idea that the cancer could take you away is frightening, and my worst nightmare.

I know that it troubles you that Stitch doesn't feel threatened by "Master B" and he has been very supportive about it. I wish it was the same for you, but I can't change your mind. However, I know that you like logic and facts, so I will toss some your way. As always, I am being completely transparent.

I do not feel that "Master B"  is physically attractive. Or, at least, he isn't to me. However, he spent hours listening to me talk, and he knows exactly what pushes my "feel good" buttons. He doesn't have to even touch me to get me "there." All it takes is a few choice words said just the right way, and I am "girl goo." He also knows what things he can do to me to have an immediate effect on me. He enjoys having that power over me, and I won't lie, I like it as well. He also is a sadomasochist, so I will often Top him much to my delight.

I don't think he will ever engage in penetrative sex with me, not that it matters. He prefers the whole "tease and denial" of forced multiple orgasms. He enjoys pushing my masochistic limits more than the forced orgasms. My attachment to him is purely emotional. Yes, I Love him, but I Love him in much the same way I Loved "Daddy W."  This is not a real threat to you.

His love for me is based on his ability to please me in unconventional ways.  I don't make demands on him, nor do I argue with him. We feed each other's emotional needs. He constantly reminds me that as much as he loves me, he would never want to take me away from you. His responsibility is to his wife, and I know she is reassured by that fact.  She has said that she owes me a debt of gratitude, because I brought him back to life by being an inspiration to him.  He is no longer angry and moping.  He is pleasant to be around.

As for me, I feel he makes me more pleasant as well. I'm actually less likely to argue with you. He is a positive influence on me, and he takes me places that would be cost prohibitive for us. He is the dating version of the "Disneyland Dad." He spoils me rotten. and when I come home to you, I feel like all my burdens have been lifted. I can tell him what I'm feeling, even the horrible stuff, and he doesn't judge it.  He is my cheerleader, and he wants me to be happy.

Speaking of Disneyland, I know that my new relationship with Trish is something that might have you concerned.  I want to reassure you that she wants to be a help to me and provide emotional support. I told her very early on that her timing wasn't the best, and she understands her place in my life. I will maintain transparency with you.

This isn't everything I wanted to tell you, but it's all the words I remembered. What it boils down to is that I am your wife and I will always Love you, no matter what, and nobody can stop that.

With Love,
Your Wife Merry

The Agreement (One week later) with Fire Details Bonus

Fire Details?

Let's go there first. Did I mention that my boyfriend is originally from England? He even has a thick British accent. Unfortunately, he mumbles often, so talking on the phone is often an exercise in futility. I personally DETEST texting, but he is my exception to the rule, but more in that later.

I'm pretty sure we can all agree that when it comes to verbal expressions, the British have a way with words that most people in the US just don't quite understand. His "verbiage" caused a woman to get upset with him recently, and she accused him of being thoughtless and mean. He may be a Sadist, but he is neither thoughtless or mean. It's just that what his British friends would laugh and smile at, this poor woman took to be an insult. Now, instead of just apologizing and moving on (like any other man should do!) He explained himself!


Any woman in the US will tell you that all explaining does is get us more upset and angry! The smart (US) way of just apologizing usually suffices, and prevents blowups. Poor dear man! He just doesn't "get" it, so between dealing with my own stuff, I got stuck between a crying justifiably angry woman, and a sweet confused man saying "But, I was..." It's after 10:30 here and my phone hasn't gone off, so I think (hope) all is well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Back to the Agreement:

I don't normally share details of my formal agreements with others, but in order to understand the progress (or lack thereof) it might be helpful to know what's in  this one, so I will share.

Here is a copy of the Agreement with requests:


General Agreement Proposal

We agree that this Relationship was and is founded in Love, and that we will speak to one another in a Loving and Caring manner, always showing respect for each other. We may not always agree on things but we will do our best to not say hurtful or disrespectful things to one another.

We understand/agree that polyamory is involved, and that in itself requires open lines of communication at all times. We promise to discuss our feelings, rather than allow bad feelings to fester, and, if either of us feels overwhelmed and unable to speak, the affected person will write down what S/he is feeling in a journal entry or email, and direct the other's attention to it.

We may pursue relationships with others, but we are not obligated to discuss it until such a time when we feel that said relationships will be of some Importance. Fetlife or Facebook relationship changes are considered to be important. Boyfriend’s FWB’s are not included in this.

If Merry decides she wants to pursue a serious relationship with someone, She will hold a meeting with Shilo, Stitch, and Boyfriend (if he desires) so that She may discuss Her feelings and gain their approval. They understand that they are expected to give approval, unless they can provide a justifiable reason as to why said relationship would be detrimental to Her. They also understand that if they have not yet met the person in question, a meeting will be held so they can ask questions and get to know the person. They will not discuss their opinions amongst themselves unless Merry is present.

Any sexual relationships (in this case, intercourse) other than FWB’s will be discussed in advance if possible. Any potential sexual partners for Merry are required to have a current HIV test done, and must interview separately with each Family Member (Currently Merry, Shilo, and Stitch) unless otherwise agreed. Approval is by majority vote. Boyfriend understands that Merry wants and appreciates feedback on her decisions, and hopes that Boyfriend will give the same courtesy to her.

Boyfriend agrees to never mention his FWB’s with Merry unless he is directly asked. Both Boyfriend and Merry agree to focus on each other when they are together. Other people and/or obligations will only be discussed in a general manner.

Requests

I would like to see you a minimum of once a month preferably twice. Days and amount of time at your convenience.

It would be nice if we contacted each other on a more regular basis. Once or twice a week, by Fetmail or text even if it’s only “Wow, I’m so busy, hope you are well.”

We will try to attend one event a year as a couple.

We agree to always use condoms and/or gloves when needed during sexual encounters with each other.

Boyfriend may request that Merry dress a certain way on their dates together. Merry agrees to any reasonable request.


I felt it was reasonable, although my boyfriend had a lot of "What if?" type questions.  He said he could not agree to notification in advance because sometimes things "just happen" (I rolled my eyes at that, but said nothing) and he also said that he couldn't commit to one event a year and made some silly excuse. Again, I rolled my eyes. I decided it wasn't worth the argument because he will eventually do it my way anyway (Because all men do) I also asked if he had any requests or suggestions, and he said he didn't. I'm jut waiting on it. It will come.

Since it's been a week I will share:

He has texted and Fetmailed me for six of the past 7 days, often with a back and forth of not understanding why someone is angry at him. I sent him a Fetmail requesting that he escort me to an event. Not as a date, but as a ride. He then went on to explain that he made plans to be with some girl (meaning sub) that night. I explained again that I wanted a ride, not a play partner. He agreed. 

The event above is in a month, and it's not a date. He hasn't yet made a date with me. I am waiting somewhat impatiently, but I am smiling because I trust he will remember. 

So far, I will give him an "E" for effort, because he is trying.

↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑

TRUE! 5 MORE DAYS!!! 

This is Donna Dawg-Lass, my Pitbull (Bonus points if you know who she was named after)

Isn't she sweet? A week ago, instead of jumping on the bed with us, she put her head on the foot of the bed and whined. I thought it was strange, but I was tired, and she eventually settled on the floor. On Saturday afternoon, while I was cooking, she sat down watching me, and her head seemed to be cocked severely to the left. In fact, her walking was wobbly like she was drunk and she had a "stupid" look on her face. I called the vet at 7:15 Monday morning, and Donna as there at 8:30. Everything seemed normal, so the vet took some blood and gave a diagnosis of Idiopathic Vestibular Syndrome. Other than that, she said a "wait and see" approach was best. The vet called yesterday while I was asleep (it figures!) and told me the results were normal. In fact, they were "Excellent!"

Her head is less cocked today, but she still can't get up on the bed, so she has a blanket on the floor.

So, What's up with YOU?

The Time Is Now

I can no longer live my life the way others would want me or expect me to be. Life has ripped the last veil. Stare if you must, laugh even, but it won't change who I am.


Some will have pity and leave. There will be a few who will come and kick me and rip me to shreds, whether for their own enjoyment, or the enjoyment of others. Others, the ones who are truly able to Love me will stay, and sit by me, or even tend to my wounds. Not because of who I am, but because of who they are. Staying by someone when they have nothing left, when their veils have been ripped, their protective shell broken, and all you see is a wounded soft underbelly is Honorable. Loving them is doubly so. I'm still not sure what hurts more. Being the wounded, or caring for the wounded. I know the rewards of both, but I've only experienced one until now. Being on the other side is uncharted territory, and showing my wounds, as ugly as they are, and knowing I'm powerless to heal myself without the time and patience of others has been humbling.


I'd like to think that in spite of the mess I must be, I'm in the healing stage. It doesn't stop people from kicking me or cutting me, but I'm no longer crying for mercy when they do it. I'm feeling defiant, not fighting them, but wondering out loud if that's the best they can do. Goading them on. I see them for who they really are. Bullies. Not Sadists. A Sadist will cut me and give me time to heal, or will at least check on me before making the next cut. Bullies kick and cut without rhyme or reason, and don't care if you'll be around. They don't tend to wounds. A Sadist will be patient. Tending to my wounds because it's become a game. I respect that. A Sadist won't purposely kill you. The aim of the bully is to be the victor. "I killed (person)" or "Look how powerful I am. I won."


Did someone call me a self-serving masochist? Really???!!! Like anyone would gleefully be exposed, beaten down to nothing, and left to die willingly? No. That is not masochism, that is insanity! My defiance isn't masochism, and even though it might appear to be insanity, I know that in order for me to get strong again, I will have to push myself. Go beyond what I feel I can handle in order to stand on my own, or in this case, stand with the Ones who Love me, who are Honorable, and who understand that this ugly wounded mess is a Warrior, and will be a Warrior once again.


I could have suffered in silence and gone into hiding when I saw the writing on the wall. We've all done that. I've done that, but you reach a point in your life where you can't keep running and hiding. When you realize that talking about your pain and maybe even showing it's ugly side will finally heal you. When you're exposed and crushed and crawling in the dirt that's become mud from all the blood you've shed.


God knows I've suffered losses in every part of my life. I've fought the demons of Fear and Insecurity, and in spite of all that, I never gave up, but sometimes you have to stop and breathe. I didn't give up.

Listen, did you hear that? I'm breathing.

Touch me. Did you feel that? It's my heart beating.

My eyes are open. Do you know what I see? I didn't think so. Only the blind run and hide. I'm not blind anymore. I see things as they are. Yes, I'm a mess, but I see that light at the end of the tunnel, and this time, I'm pretty sure it's someone else with a flashlight and not a train getting ready to run me down.


Can I be your flashlight?

Kinky

Something's happened. Something's changed. It's left me with very mixed emotions.

Looking back, this is probably the last thing I could have imagined. I acknowledge that I'm constantly learning and evolving/changing. The changes of the past 6 months have more to do with it than I imagined, and I've been helpless to fix or change most of it. Deaths, illness, accidents and disasters. I've been living it.People have generously offered to help me, but I honestly didn't/don't know what kind of help I need. Medical bills have piled up, and I don't like feeling like I owe people money. Never mind the utility bills as well. Between my 911 heart attack scare that included an ambulance ride, Shilo falling and breaking his ankle on the way up to a local dungeon in October that still hasn't properly healed, and my fall that included broken ribs that still hurt, I'm not in very good physical condition. However, I have managed to lose a few pounds. Still, feeling sexy/sexual/desired has gone out the window. The nearly constant discomfort coupled with a lack of desire has affected me.

I don't want anyone feeling sad or sorry for me, and I don't want sympathy either. I just want to do an emotional dump because it's overdue.

Soo... Back to kinky. Kinky has gone out the window. Actively participating in BDSM with Shilo and occasionally Stitch did something for me. I felt alive and we all enjoyed ourselves. I don't feel that any more. I don't feel vanilla either. It's like I'm just existing, waiting for something. So, imagine my excitement when Shilo hinted that he was feeling well enough fora disciplinary session last week. It was heavy on my mind, and we discussed it in depth this morning as I drove him home from work. I picked out a few implements and did my best, watching his pale soft skin turn a bright blood-red color, I checked in with him often, and the look of satisfaction on his face was nice, but all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.

It leaves me asking where Mistress Merry went.  No gleeful laughter on my part, and I didn't demand anything either. FUCK!!! Who is this that took over my body and emotions anyway? She's not much fun! Did I hear someone in the audience ask if I wanted to try submitting? No, I definitely don't want that! Been there many years ago. It's not for me. No, I just want the old me back.

If you happen to see her, can you please tell her I want her to return? Thank you!

The Envelope Please...

A few days ago, I made an offhand comment about using an envelope with an activity inside for those occasional Tuesday mornings when I'm awake and in a good mood, and Shilo is feeling energetic enough for some "fun" activity.

Much to my chagrin, and Shilo's (no doubt) lack of surprise, it's about 3AM on Tuesday and still no envelopes in sight. I fell asleep on the chair in the living room, and nothing got done.  I should mention that Shilo is probably unaware that I loaded the dishwasher while he slept on Monday afternoon. I'm not seeking 'brownie points' by any means, I'm more interested in rocking his world a little.

Shilo has been locked in chastity for 8 days now (Actually 7 days 10 1/2 hours, but who's counting? Oh yeah! He is!) and I'm pretty sure that when the device went on, he didn't expect it to be on for such a long amount of time. I suffer along with him. I mean, no intercourse for him, means no intercourse with him for me, and I happen to enjoy intercourse with him, so I do 'suffer.'

The tease and denial for him has been horribly cruel, with him removing the device, showering, providing me with a few orgasms via oral stimulation, and allowing him to enter me, thrust for maybe a minute or so (7 thrusts the first day, 15 the next. Yeah, I count) and then re-locking him. I cannot begin to tell you how torturous it's been for me, and I'm sure he feels the same.

Sooo... the (nonexistent) envelopes: I have no time or patience to do them now, but a quick preview should he happen to see this is as follows:

1. Triple treat for me while restrained (or not) until I pass out. This will require a slow build up, backing off, and building back up again. Not an easy task, but I know he's up for it.

2. Shilo unlocking and showering, giving WMS short of an orgasm if possible (I won't stop him, he'll have to stop on his own.) If he manages without an orgasm, he won't get "charged" with time off from chastity for doing so.  if he fails, and has an orgasm, I will add up to another week in chastity for him at my discretion. If he has a 'ruined orgasm,' I will roll a die. Odd: no additional days, Even: Same as if he had a regular orgasm. He will not be told the result.

3. Shilo unlocking and showering, and me orally pleasuring him for 5-10 minutes. (This doesn't usually result in an orgasm for him)

4. Shilo unlocking and showering, and then masturbating while I watch him. Same rules as #2 above if he reaches orgasm.

5. Shilo unlocking and showering, and I hand him a die. if he rolls odd, he can choose from any of the above (more to be added later)  If he rolls even, he locks back up and gives me my regular "Daily O."

So, there it is: The treats, without the envelopes.

The only thing I neglected to mention here is that I will know which option is available on any given week, and he will have the choice of taking the activity or not without knowing which one is offered. Also, after agreeing to the unknown activity, he will roll a die. If it's 1-3, the activity will not happen, if he rolls 4-6, the activity will happen. This way, I also get a little build-up as well.

Goodnight! I'm off to bed!

Shilo

This is written to give him a "heads up," but I'm sure that it might be entertaining for others as well...

Over the past few days, Shilo and I have been discussing BDSM structures, Female Led Domestic Discipline, Relationships, polyamory, and whole bunch of other things. All of them are heavy-duty, and they all relate directly to us, our marriage, our relationship, and our Household. Some things, Shilo has even dared to write in his journal, and a few of his opinions expressed are quite controversial. Still, those are his opinions, and he's allowed to express them. I know he wrote some things to elicit a response from me, and instead, I chose not to respond to those remarks. He wrote some things he feels about our relationship and how he views them. How a person views something and how they are can be two different things. I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing with those things at this point. I'm just putting it out there that I read it and took it all in.

So, what does this really mean? It means that I may or may not agree with his stated opinions, depending on what they are. What he wrote about his views on our relationship has some similarities to how it is for us as I see it, but, again, not all. I will say that his health issues have caused a 'shift' in our relationship, and if you add the fiasco about Sherman to it, you can say that the past 13 or so months have had a HUGE effect on where we are now at this moment. While there have been negative effects, there also have been positive, and the positive outweighs the negative. We're exploring, and with our explorations, we've learned new truths about ourselves and each other. We've broken down much of the "smoke and mirrors" and see some things clearly. Both of us have become strengthened and hurt by these revelations.

What's important to know is that at the end of the day, this all relates to us. My relationship with Shilo. It has  almost no effect on how I am with others. the give and take part is different, but it doesn't make me any less Merry, and it doesn't make him any less Shilo. How we relate and react to each other, not the outside world.

So is there "smoke and mirrors" to others? Do we hide behind a veil? I think all couples do. I mean, how or why we do things isn't always for public consumption. The important thing for you to know is that the spankings and discipline are very real. I am turning his ass that lovely color. The corner time is real. I really do make him sing "Twinkle, twinkle little bat."  My laughter is real. I enjoy all this. I am a Sadist, he is a masochist. We enjoy each other. We Love each other. The chastity is real. He does wear those devices for up to a week or more. The devotion we have to each other is real.

Will I address these things further? Will I give a heartfelt response with my feeling bared for all to see? That's yet to be determined.... But for now...

I heard you Shilo.  I Love you Shilo.

Please allow me the time to take it all in.

Merry

A New Start

I've had a "vanilla" account on blogger for quite some time now, but I realized it would not be in my best interests to add my BDSM activities there, so I made up this one. It will allow my slave, Shilo, to learn things that he needs to know about me, and will open up another door of communication in a safe place and way.

So, why do this in the first place? In Shilo's case, he is often reticent to let me know exactly how he feels, but he knows that I expect honesty in his journal, and it allows him to bring up thoughts, feelings and questions in a safe place. I Love him in a way that he doesn't always understand. I am polyamorous, he is monogamous.

Shilo is a masochist that derives his pleasure from impact play, primarily spanking. He is what others might call a "pain slut" because he can take what appears to be severe beatings, and he smiles through most of it.  Watching me play with him would cause the average person on the street to turn away in shock and horror, but know that what I do, what we do is completely consensual, and I would never purposely cause him permanent bodily harm.  
I am a sadomasochistic Dominant that enjoys giving as well as receiving pain. I didn't start out like this, however. When I started at the tender age of  19, just a few months short of my 20th birthday, I was submissive, and it was primarily sexual. It wasn't until about 1994 that I met up with a Dominant 20+ years my senior, who told me that my true calling was as a Dominant woman, and I learned quickly under his careful monitoring.  I was reminded again of my calling over the years, but what really drove it home for me was meeting my Mentor in December 2011. 

My Partner, Stitch, is very dear to me, and has been with me since late July 2004. We share a very special bond, a history, but Stitch is vanilla. Well, not exactly... I told him of my interests very early in our relationship, and his desire has always been to watch me. He is a voyeur through and through, but he is not Dominant or submissive. He attends dungeon parties with me and will assist me in setting up/cleaning up and checks on me during a scene to make sure I have water. He will also sometimes assist in aftercare, getting things I might need to be sure that whoever I'm playing with is comfortable. our Love for each other is constant, and he is patient and kind to me.

I also have a Mentor that I will call Daddy W on this page. He is the person I go to when I need guidance or advice, or, even, the occasional "grounding" lecture to put my head on straight. I value him and his opinion on things.

I will not be writing daily (or so I say now) but I will update at least weekly, and I might use this as a way to explain things to Shilo, or even share the "rest of the story" with his readers. If you are looking for adult content that titillates, I'll save you time and tell you that you'll most likely be disappointed.

And so it begins...