Monday, December 16, 2013

Doing It Wrong… A Confession

Oh, where do I begin? The beginning is too soon, the middle seems a little late, and the end? Well. It’s not happened yet, and, with a little luck, it will be a very long time from now.

Let’s start by establishing a few things. I am ‘scattered,’ I can’t help it. Keeping things and myself together is nearly impossible. It’s something I do my best to explain to people, but very few understand it, until, one day, I’m particularly so, and then they tell me (as if I didn’t know) “You are scattered.” Thank you! Now that we’ve established that, can we please continue with our coffee and conversation, or whatever else we were doing?? I’m a closeted perfectionist. I want things the way I want them, but I will also look at a task and decide whether or not I think I can do it. If I feel it’s impossible (or improbable) I won’t do it. There’s no need or use for me to extend my energies on something that I can’t do perfectly. I detest failure. Specifically, my failure. Your failure is yours, and, while I might point it out, or complain, it’s quickly forgotten and forgiven. Some people mistake my desire for perfection, and refusal to do something I feel I won’t succeed at as laziness, but I don’t care what others think, unless I’m having a personal crisis, and then everything matters. So… I am flawed and a perfectionist. Some might say I’m doomed to fail, but they don’t know me. My redeeming quality in all this is that I’m honest. I tell the truth. Yes, it’s MY truth, but still the truth. My mouth often gets me into trouble, and I pay the consequences.

I can’t really talk about Shilo’s qualities without mentioning Stitch. It wouldn’t be fair. Stitch is loving and caring and, whatever he does, he means well. He’s always anticipating my next move, and will often go above and beyond what is expected/requested of him, often to his own detriment. It’s endearing and irritating. Shilo, on the other hand, is self-assured, and is a pretty good judge of character. He has a low tolerance for people who whine, and he gets things done right the first time without prompting. Where Stitch guesses, Shilo knows, and if I give him something to do, it will be done right. Both Stitch and Shilo have one similar fault: If I notice something awry and happen to mention it, they both take it personally. Stitch will object loudly, and Shilo will shut down. I don’t enjoy fighting/arguing, but if Stitch gets loud, I get loud right along with him, and we often wind up laughing. When Shilo gets upset (and he does so on a regular basis) I wind up with a stony-cold silent man. I can’t handle that very well, and, many times, I’m not exactly sure what set it off. All I know is that something went wrong somewhere and I have to guess. It’s frustrating, and if I ask him directly, he often won’t answer. If it wasn’t for his journal entries, I’d have no clue what went wrong 80% of the time. He holds grudges (just like me… I said I had flaws!) and does things to his own detriment to prove a point. 

Occasionally, I’ll think things are just fine and smooth sailing till I read his journal. Things I thought were resolved this weekend apparently were not according to what he wrote, and so, while he has no idea that I read his entries as soon as I woke up this morning, I already know that he’s still a little (a lot?) upset over some things I said that were meant to be corrections. Which, by the way, once I said them and felt they were resolved, I forgot about them… well, until I read about them this morning. Now I just feel like crap, because he’s still hurting, and it’s a failure on my part. So… what do I do? What can I do? I guess I could try to repeat what I said over the weekend to him, but I can’t remember half of what I told him. I could play stupid and act like everything is fine, but that will eventually blow up in my face in a very bad way. I could try to get him to talk (I fail nearly all the time on that) or I could write this, and tell him that I Love him, I appreciate him, and that he’s perfect for me. The things he’s held onto are things that we discussed, and it’s over with. I'm no longer upset.

We’re from completely different environments, and I panic because I’m so used to doing without that when I have, I treat it like it’s precious and I want to make it last. It’s going to be a while for me to adjust to “having” so please be patient with me. You are my Superman, my Knight in Shining armor. Yes, there’s kryptonite and chinks in your armor, but that’s okay. Love makes all that inconsequential. Just remember and remind me that I’m not in that dark hole anymore.

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