Recipe For A Happier Day

And Maybe Even Life…

Okay, we all know that yesterday was a burst bubble for me. (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2019/07/can-you-hear-me.html)  I have a whole list of words, but not important. The truth is that all those bad feelings put me off my game, and I neglected doing the one thing that all the positive changes were about.


Now, even though I went off on the one important activity, I stayed on track with everything else. Plus I did go to my Insurance Provider's (Blue Shield) website, and looked up doctors in my area. I picked 9, then went to websites to check reviews on the 9 (doctor.webmd.com, health.usnews.com, vitals.com, healthgrades.com, md.com, sharecare.com plus a few others) and quickly (if you call 2 hours of research quick) found The One.


Today wasn't much better, at least, not at first, and we had errands to run. I'm really grateful for Shilo's willingness to go on these tedious drives with me, because he makes it tolerable, and he is the first ingredient in my recipe. After completing the tasks, my mood was a little worse until we both realized that Krispy Kreme was just a mile up the road, so we stopped and bought a dozen plus some holes. That's the second ingredient. (going there) Then, when we were nearly home, I realized that it had been over a month since I had my guilty pleasure (Taco Bell's plain Double Decker taco with no lettuce and a Mountain Dew) and yes, ladies and gentlemen, going to Taco Bell is the third ingredient! Now comes the hard part. Drive home, get upstairs and settled. Start by eating the Double Decker taco, drink the Mountain Dew, and follow it with 2 Krispy Kreme holes. I relaxed a little, and then follow up with calling the Insurance Provider. By this time, my mood had lifted, and I was downright pleasant.

The customer service representative was more than helpful, and even made the new doctor effective today for both Stitch and myself. Shilo is on a different plan, and he has wonderful doctors taking care of him.

I'm very happy, and I have a full belly, and I kept my treats within my dietary requirements, so no cheating, and no bad temptations.

HAPPY AUGUST!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACPRnPgZMtA

So Much Heartache!

For the past few months, my FIL has been sending out email "blasts" to everyone in his address book about my MIL. I understand the need to do so, and it never bothered me. In fact, the only thing that bothered me was the people who clicked on "Respond to all" vs. "Respond." Mostly because I really don't want to read what others had to say.

So, as anyone reading this knows, my FIL called Shilo on Sunday morning to tell him my MIL had died. Monday morning, we received an email blast about a 'Celebration of life' on Friday. I mentioned this to Shilo, and he stated that he thought there was going to be a funeral on Oklahoma, so I had no reason to be concerned. (Okay dear, whatever you say...) So, late Monday afternoon, as Shilo was preparing for work, my FIL called him and asked if he received the email. (Why, yes I did... why?) It turns out that this is it, there will be no funeral on Oklahoma. Shilo stated of course he would be there, but he wanted (needed) me with him. I will stop here and say that if my FIL had died, my MIL would have (naturally) insisted that I come with Shilo, and wouldn't have had a second thought about paying for me. I do understand my FIL's distress, however, I was shocked when he told Shilo that he couldn't afford for me to come, in spite of Shilo stating how I felt she was a second mother to me because I was still mourning my mother when we met. I was very hurt by his refusal, but I did my best to understand.  Then there was the scramble for us to get enough money for me to go, ending with the bank's  refusal to raise my credit so I could buy a roundtrip ticket. It was just too much for me to handle. I was a sobbing mess. I just couldn't handle the thought of Shilo doing this on his own, and we all need someone when a parent dies, and I'm his someone.

I went in the bedroom crying, and Shilo woke up to the sound of me sobbing, as I told him I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough.  Somehow, he has enough peace of mind to tell me that he'd figure out a way.  After looking at my available credit, and Stitch's available credit, Shilo suggested that I buy a one way ticket there using my credit card, and a one way ticket back using Stitch's credit card. It worked! I almost cried again. Yes, my emotions are a bit unstable right now.  I'm embarrassed to say that I told my therapist on the phone Monday that I was "okay." But, really, I was at that time. It wasn't until all the other stuff happened that I fell apart. Anyway, Shilo called his dad and told him I was coming too. I'm honestly not sure if I'm welcome, but I'm going because my husband needs me, and that's all that matters.

With this resolved, today was Shilo's appointment with the GI Specialist ($60 OUCH!)  He will FINALLY get the the necessary tests done, so I'm happy. I really do feel like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. Also, on the way to the appointment, Shilo got a text from his boss that made me cry again. His boss arranged for a limo to not only take us to the airport in the morning, but also for a pickup on Saturday. I was really touched by that gesture. God knows how many more times I'll be crying over the next few days, but I'm crying again just by writing about it. So, pickup is 4AM, and I'm not sure if I'll stay up all night or get a few hour's sleep.

I will say that Shilo is still (understandably) stressed out over the whole situation, and he's grouchy, but who can blame him? I'm just taking things minute by minute now. I still have errands to run, so signing off now.

A Full Heart

Soo...What prompted this? Oh, a little of everything.

Sometimes we feel like we're alone, but we aren't. Sometimes we feel like we've been left in the cold and the dark, and we will huddle together with those closest to us and cry out for relief. Other times, we just feel burdened. Let me tell you... I have been so burdened down with the pain and cares of the world lately. I'm responsible, or, at least, I feel responsible for my mistakes, my errors in judgement, my fuck-ups. Ohh.. I've made so many of them, and I beat myself up constantly for them. I had one of those weeks last week, and it all blew up on Saturday. (5-23)

I shut off, shut down. Went into the deep end of the (virtual) pool and stayed underwater. Not on the surface. I let Sunshine pick up the pieces. She has a knack for expressing my feelings in a calm way that I couldn't express. When she pulled me out of the pool and let me back out, I had a feeling of inner peace. Shilo apologized, and while that was nice, he also gave me the forgiveness that I needed. I've carried so much guilt and self-loathing over my error in judgement regarding Sherman/Tallship. It's affected how I interact with Shilo and Stitch, and I was just feeling that my fuck-up on that situation was causing everyone to hate me, when, in reality, it was just me hating myself, and blocking out any Love I had the potential of receiving. He told me that everyone in the household had forgiven me weeks ago, and it was time for me to let go of it. I did. The best part was that a weight was lifted.

He went on (much to my dismay) to tell me that the sub I was considering would not work out, and I told him to give it time. I figured out it was doomed before it started, but I pursued it anyway. Blame the masochist in me. Well, that time is up. The ship has sailed. I'm tired of explaining to someone why BDSM isn't Burger King.  Now, while all this was happening, I saw something on the internet that caused my heart to feel good. It was just a picture with a caption, but that little picture made me smile. I gave a quiet acknowledgement and waited.That quiet acknowledgement was received, and I was reminded again that anything worth having is worth waiting for, and that we all have guardian angels. Maybe not the kind that some Christians believe, but we all have people who do care about us, but we can't always see them. No, not stalkers either. I found out today that I had one, and it filled my heart with happiness.

For quite a long time, I tore myself apart over something (not mentioned here) that I knew full well wasn't my responsibility or my fault. Today I finally received word that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I was told the hidden part of the story. That  lifted a weight as well.

I don't know whether things have improved, but I can say that the guilt and pain I've been carrying has been tossed in the trash where it belongs, and I'm ready for a new adventure with the Ones I Love.

Current Events: Relationship Shifts

Since sometime in early June, I’ve been seeking a domestic sub/slave to make my household complete. It’s not as easy as it may seem. I have requirements and desires, and finding someone with even a majority of the requirements is nearly impossible. For your entertainment, I’ve attached my ad below:

For a long time, I was not actively looking for another submissive or slave. I am still very happy with my slave (and husband) Shilo, but we have mutually decided that adding another submissive, preferably one willing to do domestic duties would help to make our household complete. Male is preferred, but not an absolute necessity. You do not need to be a masochist, but you must be willing to accept discipline.

I prefer that you are over 35 and able to support yourself. You must be in good health and able to lift 50 pounds. Your height and weight doesn’t matter nearly as much as your personality. Smoking and/or drug use will NOT be tolerated, but I am fine with a light social drinker or cannabis user. You must be responsible and able to do housekeeping and assist with yard work and painting. Driving me places in your vehicle or running occasional errands will also be expected. Live-in is not expected, but occasional overnight stays will be required. My household is clothing optional, so you should ideally be comfortable in your own skin.

The following is preferred:

• Ability to swim
• Willingness to be in chastity while in service to household

The following is non-negotiable:

• Must like both dogs and cats.
• Must be willing and able to provide clean HIV status upon request
• Must be available at least 3 times a week, and also attend any family/household meetings.
• Must be discreet. I don't want my neighbors talking.
• Must have local references. This could be vanilla or perhaps a former Master/Mistress.

Please send all inquiries to (email redacted) Please include experience, references and availability.

I later added the following:

I am not a swinger, and I am very selective when it comes to sexual partners, so even if there is mutual attraction, there is no guarantee that I will have sex with you.

You must be service-oriented and not a brat. I expect once weekly meetings to start, and then an increase if and when you are approved and accepted into my household/Family.

My interests are varied, and I like having people around me who will stimulate my mind.

TO CLARIFY: My hope is to find someone who will eventually be a full-time live in member of my poly Household. Something like this takes time, and I do not want to make the wrong decisions in selecting someone. If you do not live in California already, I will not accept your message.

As anyone can see, my desires are stated clearly. It was only after I added the second part that I began to get replies, and I made between 3 and 5 appointments a day on my available days for interviews. There were the usual cancellations and no-shows along with people who lied about their age (“dust in a suit” was Shilo’s term for one of them) and their experience, including one who adamantly refused to come into the restaurant for his interview. I had given up on meeting people a little over a week ago, but I had a few pre-set interview appointments so I kept them.

Then it happened:

A week ago, in the early evening hours, an old friend/acquaintance from high school that is a Dominant called me, asking if he could visit. I invited him to my home back in October, shortly after I married Shilo and moved in the house. I figured he just finally felt the need to talk. I was wrong. Anyway, I invited him to come over about 3 on Saturday, and I told him I only had a two hour window. He arrived, looking more tired than I’ve ever seen him. When I asked about his daughter, he told me she was living with her mother (!!!) and when I asked what happed to his home, he told me about losing it when he lost his contract. So he was jobless, homeless, and without his daughter. Then he told me his fiancée dumped him too, and he was couch surfing. Not good.

I immediately called a Family meeting and asked if Shilo and Stitch would mind him joining the Household. He had already offered to do the work described above, and explained he had seen my ad on my profile. It was a no-brainer. Both Shilo and Stitch agreed that having him in the Household would be a positive thing, and, because Stitch already knew him, and Shilo trusted my judgment on him, it would be a relatively easy thing. So, my newest addition (Sherman) moved in here 5 days ago. He seems to get along well with everyone else, and he helps out as often as possible. He even accepted discipline today without complaint.

It almost goes without saying that there are adjustments being made. A slight growling and regrouping taking place. Sherman doesn’t seem to understand it, so late last night, when the two of us were alone in the hot tub, I explained about “pack mentality” and that most of the tension, if any, had to do with having another male in the pack, and nobody was really sure where Sherman would wind up (Alpha, Beta, Omega) and, until it was settled, there would be some grumbling. So, then Sherman told me he didn’t want anyone to feel displaced. As much as I tried to explain that it was the natural order of things, the more he resisted the idea. I finally told him that there is no competition between any of them, but until the others accepted that, there was going to be a little tension. I think he finally accepted that. Afterwards, he got in the shower with me and washed my hair, and then I went back to bed with Shilo.

Early this morning, when we were awakened by Stitch at 8, I told Shilo about the hot tub and shampoo, and then, in the afternoon while we were shopping, I told him about the actual hot tub discussion concerning Alpha, Beta, and Omega, and Shilo agreed that it was happening. We agreed that, whether or not he liked it, Sherman would eventually fill one of those roles if he stayed around long enough. I get the idea that Shilo is feeling pretty secure in his role as Alpha, so the real settling will be between Stitch and Sherman for Beta and Omega. As for me, I’m not sure on what will happen with any of them. I just know it’s something they need to settle, and it’s not my place to decide who goes where.

Also, Sherman “met” Sunshine yesterday while we were out with Shilo. Sherman decided that he likes Sunshine, and has quickly become protective of her. I feel this is a good thing, and it makes him even more “acceptable” to Stitch and Shilo. As for Sunshine, she relishes the attention. I’ll give reports on this as needed.

In the meantime, Shilo and I are attending the Kinky Campout at BOD on Saturday, so I’ll be away from the computer for a few days.

Doing It Wrong… A Confession

Oh, where do I begin? The beginning is too soon, the middle seems a little late, and the end? Well. It’s not happened yet, and, with a little luck, it will be a very long time from now.

Let’s start by establishing a few things. I am ‘scattered,’ I can’t help it. Keeping things and myself together is nearly impossible. It’s something I do my best to explain to people, but very few understand it, until, one day, I’m particularly so, and then they tell me (as if I didn’t know) “You are scattered.” Thank you! Now that we’ve established that, can we please continue with our coffee and conversation, or whatever else we were doing?? I’m a closeted perfectionist. I want things the way I want them, but I will also look at a task and decide whether or not I think I can do it. If I feel it’s impossible (or improbable) I won’t do it. There’s no need or use for me to extend my energies on something that I can’t do perfectly. I detest failure. Specifically, my failure. Your failure is yours, and, while I might point it out, or complain, it’s quickly forgotten and forgiven. Some people mistake my desire for perfection, and refusal to do something I feel I won’t succeed at as laziness, but I don’t care what others think, unless I’m having a personal crisis, and then everything matters. So… I am flawed and a perfectionist. Some might say I’m doomed to fail, but they don’t know me. My redeeming quality in all this is that I’m honest. I tell the truth. Yes, it’s MY truth, but still the truth. My mouth often gets me into trouble, and I pay the consequences.

I can’t really talk about Shilo’s qualities without mentioning Stitch. It wouldn’t be fair. Stitch is loving and caring and, whatever he does, he means well. He’s always anticipating my next move, and will often go above and beyond what is expected/requested of him, often to his own detriment. It’s endearing and irritating. Shilo, on the other hand, is self-assured, and is a pretty good judge of character. He has a low tolerance for people who whine, and he gets things done right the first time without prompting. Where Stitch guesses, Shilo knows, and if I give him something to do, it will be done right. Both Stitch and Shilo have one similar fault: If I notice something awry and happen to mention it, they both take it personally. Stitch will object loudly, and Shilo will shut down. I don’t enjoy fighting/arguing, but if Stitch gets loud, I get loud right along with him, and we often wind up laughing. When Shilo gets upset (and he does so on a regular basis) I wind up with a stony-cold silent man. I can’t handle that very well, and, many times, I’m not exactly sure what set it off. All I know is that something went wrong somewhere and I have to guess. It’s frustrating, and if I ask him directly, he often won’t answer. If it wasn’t for his journal entries, I’d have no clue what went wrong 80% of the time. He holds grudges (just like me… I said I had flaws!) and does things to his own detriment to prove a point. 

Occasionally, I’ll think things are just fine and smooth sailing till I read his journal. Things I thought were resolved this weekend apparently were not according to what he wrote, and so, while he has no idea that I read his entries as soon as I woke up this morning, I already know that he’s still a little (a lot?) upset over some things I said that were meant to be corrections. Which, by the way, once I said them and felt they were resolved, I forgot about them… well, until I read about them this morning. Now I just feel like crap, because he’s still hurting, and it’s a failure on my part. So… what do I do? What can I do? I guess I could try to repeat what I said over the weekend to him, but I can’t remember half of what I told him. I could play stupid and act like everything is fine, but that will eventually blow up in my face in a very bad way. I could try to get him to talk (I fail nearly all the time on that) or I could write this, and tell him that I Love him, I appreciate him, and that he’s perfect for me. The things he’s held onto are things that we discussed, and it’s over with. I'm no longer upset.

We’re from completely different environments, and I panic because I’m so used to doing without that when I have, I treat it like it’s precious and I want to make it last. It’s going to be a while for me to adjust to “having” so please be patient with me. You are my Superman, my Knight in Shining armor. Yes, there’s kryptonite and chinks in your armor, but that’s okay. Love makes all that inconsequential. Just remember and remind me that I’m not in that dark hole anymore.