Changes

Some things change, others don't. The amount of my Love for Shilo has changed, the fact that I Love him hasn't. I can honestly say and write that my Love for him has only increased in the time I've known him, the time we've been together. I can't help but Love him. He is a wonderful and caring person. He has many qualities that I've always wanted in a Partner, in a husband, in a submissive/slave.

And, yet...

We are in what some people might call a rough patch in our relationship. We both have problems with clinical depression, and it seems to have hit the two of us at the same time. It really sucks. Hell, it more than sucks. It's downright scary. If it wasn't for the fact that I believe him when he says he Loves me, I'd be really worried that our marriage was falling apart. I'd be afraid that he was going to walk out and never return. I'd be afraid that I had to face all this emotional turmoil alone. We haven't really talked about this as much as we should (my opinion) but every time I read his journal, I see how dissatisfied he is, and it only makes me sadder, because I can't do anything about it. I can't "fix" him, and he can't "fix" me.

So...

What do I do? I don't know. I'm at a loss here. I know what I won't do. I won't give up. I won't stop Loving him. I won't give in to that ache inside me. I won't, because it goes against all that I believe in.

What do I believe?

I believe that Shilo was an answer to my prayers, I was an answer to his prayers, and to the prayers of others. I believe in Divine Intervention. I believe I have an Obligation to Shilo, as his wife and Mistress, and to God, who brought us together. I made a Promise, and I'm sticking to it, because I know that this depression is temporary, and, if memory serves me right, I've survived every other bout of depression, so I will survive this too. I also have the feeling that Shilo has been in this state of mind before, and that he will get through this as well. Our odds of surviving this is pretty good.

I'm wishing and hoping that all these bad feelings go away soon. That we can both get back to a better state of mind. I need to believe it's true.

The misery and self-loathing will go away, and I will come out of it a better and stronger person..

My message to Shilo:

I Love you. NOTHING will ever change that. We will get through this together, and someday soon, all this will be a bad memory. Don't give up.

I’m Not Stupid Nor Am I Confused (3-6-2014)

For the past 20 years or so, but mostly in the last 15, I’ve felt like I was slowly going crazy. I come across as being of at least normal intelligence (being modest here) until I open my mouth. No, I’m not that bad, but I will try to explain. I cannot remember names. Even worse, I frequently call things by the wrong names. A good example of that is about 2 days ago, I asked Stitch to get my clothes out of the oven. The word I needed, and couldn’t remember, was “washer”, I didn’t struggle when I said “oven”, but I knew I used the wrong name right after I said it. I’ve called the kitchen the garage, the garage the bedroom etc. Ad nauseam. I cannot remember the names of people either. Normally, it’s not a problem, and I can wing it, but imagine my horror last month when I had out of town guests to introduce and couldn’t remember Shilo’s name! He’s my husband! I just kept talking, struggling to remember his name, so I could introduce him to them. Finally, he picked up on my discomfort and introduced himself.

Sometimes, I just feel like crying or want to die of embarrassment over it. People don’t understand because I don’t look or act impaired, and there have been times when I wished I looked or acted “different” so people wouldn’t judge me so harshly. On really bad days, I avoid speaking to anyone but Shilo or Stitch because the stress of having to remember a person’s name is too much for me. I ignore people at parties so I don’t have to struggle to remember their name. It can be a very isolating experience. When it comes to writing or public speaking, I manage to look polished because I can “look up” a word, or even ask someone at home what the word I want is. Once I’ve written it down, all I have to do is read it, and nobody knows that I’m unable to remember the name of the thing I drive (car) or the thing that water comes out of (faucet) or the name of the place I cook dinner (kitchen) or even my home address. I can’t even remember the name of the disorder, but I wrote it down earlier. It’s called Anomic Aphasia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anomic_aphasia). I have what I would consider a mild case, because most of the time, I remember and can say the correct words of things, but places and names are a constant thorn in my side.

Please understand. This is not a pity party. This is me sharing and explaining why I am the way I am. It’s me asking that you laugh with me and at me when the wrong words come out, and, instead of correcting me if you know what I meant to say, just act like I said the correct word. Trust me, I know when I’ve used the wrong word, so there’s really no need to embarrass me further unless you’re just petty and/or cruel. Also, in the remote possibility that I made no sense at all to you, politely ask me to repeat myself. I won’t be angry or offended if you say you didn’t understand me. All I ask for is a little kindness. Thank you.

Why?

Why? is a frequently asked question in my household, especially by Shilo. He doesn't ask because he is obnoxious or obstinate, although he can be both. No, he asks because is naturally curious, and he feels that everything must have a logical reason. I work very hard to give him logical reasons for my actions and desires, but I occasionally fail. After all, I'm human.

Oh, there are other questions, of course, but I don't always feel up to answering them. Sometimes I avoid them by distraction or giving a non-answer, or even asking a question of my own. I feel justified in those reactions for many reasons. I mean, answering "Because I'm the Mistress" should be enough for anyone, especially Shilo. No, it doesn't "work" that way, but one could always hope.

Frequently asked questions (with standard answer)

1. Where are you going? (Out.)

2. What's for dinner? (Food.)

3. How is/was__________? (Fine.)

Yes, I realize that some of those answers are kind of snarky. I can't help it. I've got deep-seated reasons why I answer those questions that way, and I really don't feel like talking about it, especially at that moment.

Starting with question #3. I usually revert to that answer when I don't feel like discussing the event. It could be that it was horrible or rotten, and I'm not up to a long drawn out conversation. On the other hand, it could just be that it was fine.

Question #2 isn't as frequently asked as it used to be, but it goes back to a time when I had very little food, and/or I was unable to decide at that moment. Food, especially dinner, tends to be rather last-minute, so I often don't have an acceptable answer. By saying "Food" I've made it clear I don't want to discuss it, or I'm still deciding.

Now, question #1 is a "trigger" question. I was in an abusive relationship where my every move was watched, and I resented that question. I felt like I was distrusted, and that made me resentful of my former husband. After I finally left him, I enjoyed my freedom, but then my older sister moved in, and suddenly, all I ever heard was that question. I felt that if my mom knew, nobody else needed to know, especially not my older sister. The whole "Where are you going?" question was a thorn in my side. My theory is that I'm an adult and I can do what I want and go where I want. I realize this can cause problems, especially with Shilo,who is, more often than not, just curious or genuinely concerned about me.

Well, I hope this is helpful.