Been A While

I have so MANY partially written things from the last month or two. It's not funny.

Shilo and myself finally hit a wall in late June-early July and it wasn't pretty. I knew about the activity he was engaging in, and I was okay with it at first, but as it progressed, it became a problem in our marriage. I was more and more unhappy, and I felt like he was cheating on me. I know that some people wouldn't understand cheating in polyamory, but it exists.

WHAT IS CHEATING IN POLYAMORY?

Everyone runs their polyamory differently, and for us, it includes lying about a relationship, hiding information from each other, or doing something we agreed not to do. EXAMPLE: I see Master "B" and we fuck like bunnies.and I say nothing about it to Shilo. Engaging in intercourse with him is permitted, we agreed it was okay, but I am required to inform Shilo about it as soon as it is possible. Hiding that information is cheating OR I meet someone, and there's instant attraction so We go someplace and have sex.  I'm not supposed to have sex with anyone without them first meeting Stitch and Shilo and getting their approval to date. Then I need their permission to have sex. Or, in Shilo's case, he has to talk to me about his feelings regarding a woman, and she has to meet me and follow our other rules.  Consider this the TL;DR version.

 Anyway, Shilo did several things that counts as cheating, and while he confessed to some things, he hid others, and I discovered them on my own. I was furious, but I was really more disappointed than anything. I actually considered leaving, but I realized that wasn't the answer. I'm still here. He's still here, and we're working on things. I can now look at his messages, emails, and phone whenever I want. I don't shove it in his face, and he is quick to tell anyone who messages him that I am reading along. And no, I'm not constantly looking, but I DO look, and I'm shocked at the amount of women who want him to sneak and hide things from me.

Shilo's cheating was a shock to my system and a wake-up call as far as our relationship goes. We're healing, but it's slow, and there are occasional arguments and my emotions can be all over the place.  I went out with the woman who was my Maid of Honor when I married Shilo, and we talked about it. I don't have many female friends, and of the few I do have, not all of them know about my polyamory. This is an embarrassment to me, so the less my people know about it, the better.

Keep in mind that while I'm retired, I still have responsibilities and things I do, including taking care of my older sister. She has advancing dementia and also had lung cancer surgery in February 2020. Since COVID hit, I've been buying her groceries and checking in on her every other day or so. It works for us, and I don't mind helping her out. After all, she is family, and being her caregiver is something that I take seriously.

So, the last week of July, it was HOT and while I kept in contact with her, I last visited her on Sunday (7-25) and called her on Monday and Tuesday, because I was feeling sick, and when I feel that way, I avoid face to face visits.  When Thursday (7-29) came along, I had an uneasy feeling, so I decided to make an unannounced visit to check on her.  

When I got to her apartment at 2:30PM, I found her passed out on the floor with her right leg bruised from the knee up. She had obviously urinated on herself as well, but while it wasn't completely unexpected (older women who live alone will frequently fall) it was still a shock to the system. It took me forever to dial 911 because I kept hitting the wrong buttons. The paramedics took her to the one ER that I feel is the worst in the area (Hospital and care is excellent, ER sucks because of the area) and it has a tiny waiting room. My niece arrived over an hour later because she lives near West LA, and my sister was just talking nonsense. She fractured her hip in several places, but there was no head injury.

The nurse who was assigned to her sent us home about 11, because they hadn't gotten the transfer papers from the hospital where my sister is insured. Instead, I received a call from the hospital at 6:30AM Friday (7-39) saying that she had been transferred to a hospital 40 miles away! I packed my clothes and stayed with my niece until Monday (8-2)  My sister was placed in a local SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility) late Wednesday (8-4) night, and they have restricted visitation (30 minutes max) due to COVID, and it's by appointment only.  I'm taking a break until Wednesday (8-11) because I am physically and mentally exhausted.

Anyway, That's what is going on, and that's where I've been.

 

Observing Shilo, An Update

Over 3 years ago, I noticed the changes in Shilo as his still undiagnosed prostate cancer worked its way deeper into his body and metastasized. I spent over two years arguing with the (former) GP to get a PSA test done on him, and I've spent the past year dealing with the effects of that neglect. Inoperable metastatic prostate cancer. He has been receiving chemotherapy since March this year, and his 9 weeks of radiation therapy is scheduled to come to an end on December 17th. The radiation has not been kind to him, and many days he's been too sick to eat. Seeing that come to an end and him possibly feeling better will be a happy occasion indeed!

On the other hand, he will probably be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life, and fortunately, his body has tolerated the effects of it really well. The lack of testosterone and subsequent increase in estrogen and its effects on him physically, mentally, and emotionally have been interesting. While not what I would call stoic, Shilo wasn't one to express his emotions with me. Now there is a lovely spectrum coming from him. His Love is expressed in many ways, as are his fears, desires, and sharing his needs. It really is beautiful to have him share with me. His understanding of what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way has increased to a point where not only will he reach for me, but his ability to empathize with me is amazing. He has become my mirror, and with all the pain and confusion there's been, it allows for healing in ways beyond my imagination.

Always comfortable with his masculinity, even when I would dress him in women's clothing, he has continued to be so, and has embraced the physical effects of the lack of testosterone. My days of dressing him as a woman are likely over, but he knows that I enjoy the breast growth, and I don't poke at him, remembering what it was like when my breasts started developing. In fact, I'm more likely to ask his permission before handling him. He's undergone so many changes, that I feel it would be selfish for me to force things on him. I like to think of him as the same man I married 6+ years ago but with upgrades.

I remember being told in January that chemotherapy for prostate cancer had a different effect than the more "traditional" chemotherapy, and I'm so glad I didn't convince him to shave off all his lovely hair. His lovely hair and nice ass were the things that initially attracted me to him. He still has that.

I understand that some people wouldn't like the effects of increased estrogen, which include breast growth, shrinkage of the penis and testes, decreased libido, and all the emotional changes as well, but in my opinion, it beats dying of cancer. It's a matter of deciding what is more important in your relationship: having one where your partner has a chance of survival or not having a partner at all.

Is it hard? Well, I have had days where I struggled to not feel sorry for both him and myself, and cried so many tears that I became thirsty from dehydration. I am not exaggerating! Then there was our 6 year wedding anniversary weekend in September where he was feeling well enough to travel, and we went to Ventura with me driving, and had a wonderful time doing a few of his "Bucket List" items. He was even looking healthy then, and I have pictures that I will treasure. I'll say that I'm constantly learning how to roll with the punches. We both are.

Having an extended support system of friends and loved ones has made it easier, and I know that most of them are only a call or text away. Having someone who will hold my hand and/or cry with me allows me to focus on the important stuff. The sadness never stays long, and worry? Well life is full of worries, so why allow it to rule me? I can easily come up with a list of friends and family who are having a difficult time right now, so I know we aren't alone, and if I can shine a light or light a candle to help them through the dark, then my job is done. I know they will do the same for me.

Merry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzutyUquD5A

Can You Hear Me?

A Tale Of Discouragement

47 days. Forty-seven FUCKING days. I have monitored my eating habits, followed a (relatively) strict diet, increased my fluid intake, and monitored my blood sugar and kept it down to an acceptable level with few exceptions. I don't expect overnight results, but I've begun to feel healthier and my blood sugar results are proof that it's paying off. I chart my dietary intakes, I care about what goes in my body.


I'm proud of my progress. My Household and those close to me know what sacrifices I've made for this. I'm NOT a "special snowflake" and numbers don't lie. All this work is paying off, and I'm doing it in spite of the stressors caused by Shilo's prostate cancer and dealing with the delays caused by it. I am a warrior, and I haven't stopped or given up. I've even been a good example for Shilo, who is now taking better care of his diabetes, and I believe it's never too late to make life and lifestyle changes. There is no "too old" or "too late" until we're dead.


So, what's wrong? Why am I discouraged? Well, I went to the doctor today, for my every three months check, and I made a copy of my charting to show him my blood levels and discuss my changes, and ask him what he thought of the improvements. He barely even glanced at them, and told me that I was wasting my time, and I didn't need to keep track of things. Instead of acknowledging the improvements, and giving feedback on my questions, he ignored them and focused on other things. I mean, my blood pressure has improved, my pants (when I wear them) are too big. It wasn't that long ago that I was 225, and now I hover between 190 and 195. He didn't even answer my questions! When he was finished, I went down to my car and cried. I just can't handle this.


I deserve better. I deserve to be heard. I pay him to assist me in improving my health, and I'm being ignored, and I'm tired of it. If this was any other relationship, I would have ended it already, and that is where I am now. Unfortunately, unlike a relationship, where I can do without the hassle, I need a doctor. Contacting my insurance is one of many steps I have to take, so this is more like a divorce.

And now that I've written this, I still feel discouraged, but I also feel better, because I know what I have to do. Find a new doctor. Wish me the best!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfY4OfUXiYU 

  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPwcf60X-Q4

Needs

Originally on my Fetlife Page.

Specifically emotional needs. We all have them. I'm learning that ignoring them isn't good, and it adds to my pain. This is an attempt to put it all in one place because I really am a scattered person, and if I don't anchor soon, I will be swallowed by the crashing waves.

It would be easy to say I need Love. The problem for me is that I view Love as an umbrella. It's what you see, but it covers so many things, and I'm more inclined to break it down into bite size pieces. This is my attempt to break it down. In no particular order.

Touch: I'm not talking sex. Better a hug that makes me feel safe. Touching my hands, arms, shoulders and face. (with permission of course, unless we're close) The one thing this year has taught me is that I'm touch starved. It took a horrible breakup and new relationship with someone that sees right through me to make this clear. The first time I heard it, I wanted to fight, I wanted to argue, and call him a liar. He may be a lot of things, but he's not a liar, and he was right. Thanks to him, I'm no longer in starvation mode, but I can say that I'm still hungry.

Understanding: Really listening to my words, body language, and verbal cues. Reading between the lines. I'm very expressive. Yes, I've had people tell me that I "speak in parables" but it's my understanding that Jesus spoke in parables so only the ones meant to understand would. I couldn't be more clear right now.

Affection: Yes, touch is a part of it, but only a small part. Words also play a part in this. Not only in what is said, but how it is said. While my vocabulary hasn't increased in volume that much, I will say that there are words that "soften" me now that didn't before. It's all in the tone and usage. Experimenting and using those words on me has the same effect as a reward in my brain. The positive effect leaves me feeling good. Still, it's easy to "break" me.

Communication: Talk to me. Tell me what you are feeling, and also how I can make things better, whether it's just listening, a hug, or even assistance in problem-solving. I know that I prefer to just be heard, but if there's a different way you want a response let me know. My preferences (in order) are face-to-face, phone, email, notes and text. I have to really like/love you to text. Mostly because an actual conversation is faster. I do have a few people who I actually dread reading their texts. Please don't be "that person."

Comfort: This is another complex thing. It comes in many flavors. Touch, words, food, even a look from across a room or a table. That look of recognition, the sometimes shy smile. Looks like that can melt me in an instant. The nonverbal 'conversations' that only we understand. Sometimes just knowing what it means will keep me warm.

Kindness: Being cruel is so easy, but being kind in the face of difficulty takes only a little more effort. Smiling instead of frowning, trying to show some compassion, offering to help, and actually doing it. That last one can be as easy as making a specific offer, or even asking. No, I don't need any help. I just thought I'd add it because it's a good thing to keep in mind for others.

Routine: Okay, I'll admit it: I live a very unscheduled life, but planned activities and outings keep me feeling adjusted. Knowing that unless the world ends, or there's an emergency, or I'm sick, I'll be having dinner with some friends every Friday night is comforting. That's just one example, but it's a good one.

Honesty: Yes, even the "hurtful" things. The unadulterated unedited truth. My closest relationships are based on it. Does that dress look ugly on me? Tell me! I don't want to go out wearing it if it's unflattering. Especially if we are close, I expect feedback. Mostly though, I want to know what's on your mind, why you feel how you feel, and if you can tell me what you really did last week with that mystery person. I'll give it back to you as well.

What I Don't Need

Criticism: Especially if it doesn't come with specific ways to make things better. My desire is to be a positive influence and be helpful. (It doesn't mean I'm subservient at all. It's just how I am)

Extended Silence: I don't mean quiet time. I enjoy my quiet time. I mean a complete lack of communication. It plays on my abandonment issues.

Anger: Specifically, unresolved anger. Talking about what is causing the anger and working out a solution, agreeing to disagree, or using mediation is better. Sometimes there is no solution, but deciding how to handle those things is important.

Abandonment: Whether "ghosting," disappearing for extended periods, or just not trying to work with me. Better to just tell me so I can work it out in my head. Yes, I know that things come to an end, but discussing things liker adults make it so much easier.

Abuse: Whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical. Need I say more?

I'll stop here. I think it covers the important (to me) stuff.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you also to the people (members of my extended polycule) who inspired me to write this.

The Aftermath

It's over. 

3 ½ years after it began. It was my decision based on my (now ex) boyfriend's actions. In a way, he made it easy, in another way, he ripped me to shreds. I loved him. I still love him, and it hurts.

So many feelings... hurt, betrayed, disrespected, and sadness that the events leading to the breakup happened. Put simply, he cheated. I know that some people can't understand how polyamorous people can cheat, so I will explain:

We had an agreement in place. I have my own personal guidelines that Stitch and I put in place when we first started this journey.  Later, when Shilo entered my life, he agreed to the guidelines. When I started dating my boyfriend, he agreed to my personal rules regarding how sexual activity with me is handled as well. Right about 2 years after we started dating, he requested and fulfilled the final requirement for us to engage in intercourse. There had been kissing, touching, and oral sex early in the relationship, but no intercourse.

Anyway, once that final hurdle was passed, I had permission to engage in intercourse with him. How much, how often is mostly irrelevant. What is relevant is that as time passed, I realized that we needed parameters with each other. Negotiations ensued, and our relationship was good. It was healthy. We saw each other frequently and enjoyed each other's company.

In early August, he asked about becoming fluid bonded(ref: https://www.verywell.com/fluid-bonding-3132610)  with me, but he wanted me to have a  full set of STD tests which includedHSV1, HSV2, and HPV. I was fine with that, but imagine my horror when my doctor told me that I would have to see a GYN doctor! Okay, now you're probably wondering what's so horrible about seeing a GYN doctor. I have PTSD, and some of that is related to a rape exam I had when I was raped in July 2004. Just seeing the stirrups causes a panic attack. Waiting 4 weeks for the appointment was hell, and then having to drag Shilo with me so he could help me get through the exam was emotionally exhausting.

Naturally, I tested negative for everything but HSV1 (cold sore virus) and since he has HSV1 as well, it was okay. When he fucked the other woman he started seeing last month, (ref: comments on  https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/12/processing-12-28-2017.html)  it was without a condom, but then he told me that they would be using a condom with each other after that. I took him at his word. He never mentioned if or when she was tested.

In the meantime, we engaged in unprotected sex early this month. He never mentioned anything about the other girl, so I assumed it was okay, and that they were using condoms.

UNTIL...

Well, until Saturday (1-13) evening. Shilo was going to the hospital for tests, and I wanted to attend a party, and since my boyfriend was attending, he agreed to drive me and have me spend the night. He had mentioned wanting to "talk" so I was kind of prepared for less-than-good news. When I asked him what the news was, I realized that I really wasn't prepared for what I heard.

What I heard was "I don't care about our agreement or the health of Shilo and Stitch, or even you. I've been fucking (girl) without a condom, and I plan to continue." What he said was "I've been having sex with (girl) frequently without a condom."  When I asked why, he said "It just happened."

WHAT THE EVER-LIVING FUCK???!!!

Was my thought, but instead I expressed my anger and disappointment at his irresponsibility and lack of concern for not only my safety but the safety of my Household, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. In the meantime, we had arrived at the venue, and I got myself together the best way I knew how, and said that I wasn't ready to deal with it. When we walked in, I put on my happy brave face, and talked to a few people, avoiding my boyfriend, and  struggling to keep myself together. 

I actually had one scene planned with a young man, and after announcements, I played with him for about thirty minutes. Then I noticed my boyfriend playing with the other girl, and because I couldn't handle it, I walked into the front office and tried to regain my rapidly-disappearing composure. One of the leaders who is a friend asked me if I was okay, and it put me over the edge, and I stared to cry again.

When she heard the story, she said "You aren't going home with him, are you?" I was at a party in the middle of Orange County, and I live in Long Beach. What else was I supposed to do??  There wasn't anyone at the party who lived anywhere near Long Beach, and most of the people were passing acquaintances at best.  One of the other leaders offered to let me stay overnight with him and his wife, and I immediately refused because I didn't know him, and had no clue who his wife was.

Fortunately, my friend vouched for him, and when he offered again, I agreed. I found my boyfriend, asked him to let me get my medication out of the car, and then took all my stuff out. He didn't notice. I spent most of the rest of the evening until the party was over in the office alternating between crying and regaining my composure. Sometime during my more composed times, the wife came in, and it turned out that I did know her. She was happy to have me overnight, so I at least felt comfortable with the idea. 

Just before the party ended, I told my boyfriend that my friend wanted me to stay with her so I could help her with some things in the morning, and when he asked, I told him that I had my stuff. I had sent a text to Child #2 telling him that I was at a party, and I wasn't going home with my boyfriend, so I wanted him to have the address of where I was going to be.

Once I was back at the home of my wonderful host and hostess, and settled, I laid down and cried all night. Sleep eluded me. I was so very sad and miserable, and I knew I had to end it, but taking the advice of my friend, and another friend I had emailed the night before, I decided to wait a few days until my head was clear. I didn't want to react emotionally and lose my composure, and I was really afraid that I'd be unable to do it. 

When they drive me home on Sunday afternoon, I had already notified Stitch by text that I didn't stay overnight with my boyfriend and that I'd explain when I got home. I burst into tears again as I told Stitch and Shilo what happened.  I was fully expecting an  "I told you so" from Shilo, and instead he comforted me and held me, and gently undressed me, set up my CPAP, and tucked me in bed.

I was just so very sad, and I cried whenever I was awake. On Monday evening, my boyfriend sent me an email saying he was ready to talk when I was, and I suggested a text on Tuesday evening. 

When Tuesday came, he wanted to talk on the phone, but I realized that no matter how composed I thought I was, that I'd be unable to talk on the phone without losing it. So I insisted on text. Two hours and fifteen minutes later, it was over.

He never did accept responsibility for his behavior, stating that he did nothing wrong, and insisting that my tears and questions was not only overreacting, but irrational as well! Again I say

WHAT THE EVER-LIVING FUCK???!!!

It's like my eyes were finally opened, and I realized that he was completely oblivious to the pain he caused, and I was being gaslighted besides. That is a painful truth for me. It took him breaking our agreement for me to finally see the ugly painful truth.

What tears me apart most right now is that I  still love him, but I Love myself more, and I have to do what's best for me and my Household.

My only final thought is that even though it's over, we were able to communicate, and other that that one HUGE whatever (I really don't know what to call it) our relationship was strong, and I feel it was a successful polyamory relationship, and I'm not discouraged from trying again, but right now, I just want to focus on enriching existing relationships with friends and acquaintances and not rush into another relationship. That can wait until my heart and emotions are stronger.

Mister Temperamental

Mister Temperamental is just that. Temperamental.

Mister Temperamental holds things in.

Mister Temperamental becomes sullen when he is angry.

Mister Temperamental holds grudges.

Mister Temperamental wants what he wants when he wants it.

Mister Temperamental probably thinks this is about him.

Mister Temperamental misunderstands things and blows up.

Mister Temperamental can be a know-it-all.

Mister Temperamental can be sweet and loving when he isn't temperamental.

Mister Temperamental unintentionally burns bridges.

Mister Temperamental is really insecure.

Mister Temperamental is NOT a bad person.

Mister Temperamental is unhappy, but he's not sure why.

Mister Temperamental wants everyone else to be miserable as well.

Mister Temperamental has many wonderful qualities that others can't see.

Mister Temperamental is sometimes offensive.

Mister Temperamental will defend the honor of those he Loves.

Mister Temperamental isn't one person, he is many, and some are a she.

Mister Temperamental is ALL of us at one time or another.

How many of you see yourself in this?

Can't Do It

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and normally, I get through it with lots of fluids, plenty of rest, and what my former Therapist (Peter Pan)  called my "secret weapon." A really great antidepressant that has minimal side effects.  Unfortunately, it's not working as well as I hoped this month, and I'm not feeling anywhere close to my best. Add that Shilo is fighting his own demons, and it multiplies.

It's making for a less-than-happy December, and if you add that December 21 will make 5 years since my Mother died unexpectedly, I'm beginning to wonder if I will get through this month without becoming a sobbing incoherent mess that hides in bed all day and night.

I'm not incapable of happy moments, and I never completely give up. After all, as the saying goes: "The Show Must Go On," and I will do my very best to do so. It's just that it's becoming a bigger and bigger struggle to do it, and I sometimes worry that it will overtake me.  The good news is that as long as I struggle and worry about it, my mental health is okay. It's when I completely give up and give in that things become dangerous. I have never given up. I just have to muddle through this the best I know how.

I am very fortunate and thankful to have Shilo and Stitch by my side, and Donna as my support animal. She really does help, even though sometimes I wish she would give me more space.
  (Donna in space)

Maybe I need a pleasant distraction. Maybe I have too much time on my hands, and finding something to do for someone else will help. Anyway, I'm up for suggestions.

Thank you for reading this.

Merry

Solution? Opinions? (3-7-2017)

Donna has always been there for me. Yes, she's a bull terrier mix AKA: A pitbull, but she helps with my SAD and PTSD. People are afraid of her, but I feel it's their problem. Then I discovered the following:

What Is An Emotional Support Animal (ESA)?

An emotional support animal (ESA) is a person's pet that has been prescribed by a person's licensed therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist (any licensed mental health professional). The animal is part of the treatment program for this person and is designed to bring comfort and minimize the negative symptoms of the person's emotional/psychological disability.

What Animals Qualify To Be An ESA?

All domesticated animals may qualify as an ESA (cats, dog, mice, rabbits, birds, snakes, hedgehogs, rats, mini pigs, ferrets, etc.) and they can be any age (young puppies and kittens, too!). These animals do not need any specific task-training because their very presence mitigates the symptoms associated with a person's psychological/emotional disability, unlike a working service dog. The only requirement is that the animal is manageable in public and does not create a nuisance in or around the home setting.

How To Qualify

For a person to legally qualify for an emotional support animal(ESA), he/she must be considered emotionally disabled by a licensed mental health professional (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.), as evidenced by a properly formatted prescription letter. Typically, a medical doctor does not qualify because they are not a licensed mental health professional. Some airlines and property managers will accept a verification form completed by a family doctor, however.

The letter should state that:

1. You are currently his/her patient.

2. Are under his/her care for the treatment of mental disability found in the DSM IV or V (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, version 4 or 5).

3. Your disability substantially limits at least one major life activity.

4. He/she prescribes for you an emotional support animal as a necessary treatment for your mental health.

In addition, the letter must be dated, written on his/her letterhead, include his/her license type, number, date of license, and state in which the license was issued.

What Are Your Legal Protections and Rights?

The Air Carrier Access Act 49 U.S.C. 41705, Dept. of Transportation 14 C.F.R. Part 382, Fair Housing Amendments Act of 1988 are the laws that protect an emotionally disabled person and his/her ESA.
The legal protections an Emotional Support Animal (ESA) has are to:

1. Fly with its emotionally or psychologically disabled handler in the cabin of an aircraft without being charged a pet fee.

2. Qualify for no-pet housing (that also includes limited size, breed, or species housing) without being charged a pet fee.

Housing Rights and Your Service or Emotional Support Animal

If a person is physically impaired (disabled) and has individually trained service dog to perform a major life task that the person has trouble performing for him or herself (or an emotional support animal prescribed by a licensed mental health professional), the Fair Housing Amendments Act of 1988 requires the landlord/property manager to make a reasonable accommodation to their policies and allow the tenant to have an emotional support animal. This includes species, breed, and weight policies.
That means if they have a "cats only" policy, they must accept your service dog. If they have a policy that allows dogs weighing no more than 30 lbs. and your emotional support animal (ESA) weighs 75 lbs., they must make a change in the rules to accommodate you. If they accept all dogs, except pit bulls, and you have a pit bull, they must allow your pit bull to reside with you.

Documentation Required For Emotional Support Animals

The one requirement for a person to legally qualify for an emotional support animal (ESA) is that the person has a letter from a licensed mental health professional (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist -NOT the family doctor) on his/her letterhead that states the person is under his/her care, is emotionally or psychiatrically disabled, and prescribes for the person an emotional support animal. Without this letter, if the person presents an animal as an ESA, he/she is in violation of federal law; an offense punishable by fine and imprisonment, if convicted.

Verification May Be Required By Property Managers

These laws allows a property manager to accept a letter from the tenant's licensed mental health professional (LMHP) for an ESA, but they may also require a verification form to be completed by a physician or LMHP, confirming the tenant's physical/emotional/psychiatric disability. Despite how much the property manager/landlord does NOT want your service dog or emotional support animal, federal law requires him/her to make a reasonable accommodation in the rules. If they do not, they are discriminating against a disabled person and are in violation of federal law. Here is a link to a government document (one of many) that addresses this issue. See the 3rd page, second column): http://www.hud.gov/offices/fheo/FINALRULE/Pet_Ownership_Final_Rule.pdf

 

Examples and Specific Rules

So how do Fair Housing laws apply to real life situations? Here are some examples:

John has been diagnosed with severe depression and is disabled as defined by the Fair Housing Act. His doctor prescribes John a dog to help alleviate some of his symptoms. John asks his landlord if he can have a dog as a reasonable accommodation for his disability. His landlord says yes, but tells John he'll need to pay a $250 pet deposit and must provide proof that the animal is trained.

Question: Did John's landlord correctly handle John's request under the Fair Housing Act? What if John wanted a cat or a ferret instead?

Answer: No, John's landlord did not handle his request correctly. The landlord cannot charge John a pet deposit for his animal because it is not a pet, but rather emotional support animal required for his emotional impairment. Further, the landlord cannot ask for proof that the animal is trained. Lastly, emotional support animals do not have to be just dogs; they can also be other animals, such as cats or ferrets (and many other species).

Landlords cannot:

• Ask a tenant to pay a deposit, fee, or surcharge in exchange for having a service or emotional support animal, even if they require such a practice from owners who wish to obtain pets in their dwelling.
• Require that an emotional support animal have any specific training

• Require the emotional support animal to wear or carry any special collar, harness, vest, emblem, or other means of identifying it as such.

• Inquire about the extent of the disability, or ask for detailed medical records for the individual requesting the service or emotional support animal.

• Refuse to accommodate you and your animal because their insurance policy won't allow a species, breed, or weight. They are still subject to the law.

• A person with a disability may, however, be charged for damages caused to the premises by their emotional support or service animal.

• A disabled person who does not properly manage his/her unruly, destructive, aggressive, or disturbance causing animal can be evicted.

 

What To Do When a Property Manager Refuses To Comply

Failure to accommodate a physically or emotionally impaired person is a violation of federal law and can be successfully sued AND the landlord/property manager financially penalized by the U.S. Justice Dept. because it is considered discrimination against a disabled person. Something the government takes seriously.

1. Clients are encouraged to make sure the landlord or property manager are clearly aware of the law and consequences to help them avoid prosecution and punitive damages. Most are in violation simply because they do not know the law. The U.S. Justice Dept. does not consider the property manager's lack of awareness when they prosecute them, however.

2. A client can report the landlord/property manager to the U.S. Justice Dept. and file a complaint for discrimination.

3. A client may sue the landlord/property manager for discrimination.

You'll need to be prepared to reinforce your position and case with supplemental documentation from a physician or mental health professional that verifies your need for the animal.


Done and DONE! Input? Opinions?

UGH!

When I wrote "Overdue Stuff and Emotional Plea" (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/overdue-stuff-and-emotional-plea.html )  I honestly thought everything was neatly packaged, and we were approved for the Townhouse. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be. We received an email about 3 hours ago stating that we weren't approved.


This means we still have a deadline looming ahead, and nowhere to go. I'm now at a low level of panic that won't leave. I'm still not able to drive, so I have lots of time to obsess over things that I can't control.


On the positive side, I have used some of that time to do research, and found a place that does hauling and is higher rated than a national company that Shilo used when he moved into this house. It's also about half the price.


Stitch starts his one week stay-cation in the morning, which was planned well before this insanity started, so I have the task of corralling him and helping him focus on tasks I can't do, like moving heavy stuff. This should be interesting.
I sent an email to a feline re-homing Charity about Fran, with my situation and a cute picture of him in hopes it would help, but no response thus far.


I just have to sit and wait now.

BOOM! It Was Bound To Happen!

It's been a mental week. Meaning, I've had quite a bit on my mind. It started with me letting loose in my Journal. Beginning with "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night."

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/gangbangs-and-other-things-that-go-bump.html

I followed up on it 24 hours later with "Sex Talk (A Continuation of Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night)"

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/sex-talk-continuation-of-other-things.html

In that, I mentioned that I was waiting on Stitch to "do something" (anything?) 24 hours later, he still hadn't said or done anything. I was getting increasingly pissed and I wrote "::Radio Silence::"

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/radio-silence.html

Stitch never reads anything I write, so this is a way to vent. Shilo does read my writing, although I'm sure I confuse him at times. What he does know for sure is that when I'm upset about something, it affects everyone. Kind of like that old saying, "If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy." Well, Momma Ain't Happy. I only managed to feel worse when I was updating my blog on Blogspot here, and I decided to go back and read my earliest entries. Most of them were full of Love and a little uncertainty in how I would do at starting my Poly Household. Those made me smile. There were also quite a few entries where I was struggling because I had no clue how to handle the challenges in front of me. Apparently I spent quite a bit of time crying. It's okay though, because there was growth. Then I read the following paragraph written in December 2013:

I can’t really talk about Shilo’s qualities without mentioning Stitch. It wouldn’t be fair. Stitch is loving and caring and, whatever he does, he means well. He’s always anticipating my next move, and will often go above and beyond what is expected/requested of him, often to his own detriment. It’s endearing and irritating. Shilo, on the other hand, is self-assured, and is a pretty good judge of character. He has a low tolerance for people who whine, and he gets things done right the first time without prompting. Where Stitch guesses, Shilo knows, and if I give him something to do, it will be done right.

It was like someone had poured ice cold water over my head. The reality that I had somehow failed with Stitch. It really bothered me. I decided to write about it in a group I belong to on Fetlife:

We all want to move forward, at least I hope we all would. So what happens when you realize someone isn't progressing but staying stuck?

I decided to update my online journal because I couldn't sleep, and when I finished, I read some entries from a little over 3 years ago. In it, I noticed that my complaints/concerns about someone in my life are STILL the same! It made me feel like a failure when it comes to this. Currently, this item is driving a wedge in our relationship, and I'm feeling a combination of anger, frustration, and sadness. Realizing that nothing I've said or done has made a difference.

EDITED TO CLARIFY:
This is one thing that both myself and another have discussed with this person, and it's a combination of behaviors.

1. This person does what they "think" I want instead of asking what I want. This will often wind up with wasting resources as well as time.

2. When this person is reminded that I didn't tell them to do or get that thing, they get an attitude and often blame me.

3. When I sit down with this person and tell them what I really want from them, they don't put any effort into it and make excuses such as "You looked busy" or "you were asleep" in spite of the fact that they know I'm never "too busy" or "too sleepy" for them.

I clarified more:

It's really simple things, but it's built up over time.

EXAMPLE: I'm a creature of habit. Weekday mornings I handle my own stuff, but on weekends, I like coffee. Sometimes with a small amount of cereal in a bowl with a spoon. I also need a larger empty bowl so my coffee cup doesn't accidentally spill. Shilo has taken it upon himself to pay attention and he knows how I like my coffee, so he will bring it to me the way I like it, but he always asks me if I want the cereal before he brings me anything. He will let me sit for an hour or more and not bring anything until I ask, and that's okay. The other person (who has been around much longer) will bring the cup of coffee with all the ingredients on the side in a tray as soon as I appear awake. I know it sounds wonderful, but sometimes I still have to get to the bathroom or remove a cat from my lap, or I'm just nor ready yet. All I want is for him to ask me if I'm ready for (item) or ask if I want (item) or just wait for me to ask. I mean, I ask for everything else. More recently, I've waken up feeling sick and wanted to throw up. Before I can even get up, this person has coffee and everything else on my lap. The results have been ugly. I appreciate the thought, but I'm constantly having to remind him that if I want him to do something, I'll ask, or if he thinks I want something to ask. The breakfast is just an example.There's a lot more.

On the other hand, there is one and only one thing that I like and have requested that they ask me if I want it. It's a treat for me and them as well, and it's something I won't ask for. They know this. I've made it perfectly clear that this treat is to be offered to me, and if they take things into their own hands, there will be hell to pay. This has been happening way too frequently lately.

I'm just left wondering if it's too hard to ask me. Ask and don't assume. I don't mind being waken up, and I'm never too busy to give either of them what they want. I just get tired of having to remind this other person to wait until I either ask, or they can ask me. Just don't assume.

 
I sat on this for over a day, reading replies from members of the group, but avoiding any confrontation with Stitch. Until it happened yet again Friday after dinner. Stitch was in another room, but we could see each other and I was talking to him about something important. He was replying, so I turned my head and continued. Stitch didn't reply. I turned my head, and he was gone! I got up, and invited him into the living room. He already was displaying that "Don't give a shit" attitude, and it pushed me over the edge. I told him to sit down, and I asked him why he walked away when I was still talking. "I thought you were finished." I said, "That's the problem right there. You thought. I didn't tell you I was finished, and you didn't ask. You just walked away." I went on to finish having the discussion I was having with him, and then Shilo explained that I was so concerned over the item I was discussing because I wanted to make sure we all look nice for an upcoming event. Not an easy task when I've lost 40 pounds, and it looks like Shilo took them from me. We decided to take care of my concerns when we got back from our Saturday errands (today).



With that settled, I went back to my main concern. We no longer have weekly Household meetings, and the only way things are going to improve is if we talk about things. He pushed me over the edge by not listening to my concerns, and getting an attitude when I try to tell him anything, and by anything, he even got pissed when I told him I emptied the dishwasher, and the dishes he was putting away so carefully were dirty. I Love him. I made a commitment to him, and I plan on keeping it, but he needs to work with me.



Honestly, I'm not sure if any of what I said about our relationship got through to him, but I tried. I have always told him in the past when he's done those things that are (probably) unintentionally thoughtless in hopes that repeating the message it might get through to him, and my hope is that he will tell me what is bothering him instead of holding it in. There's still that fucking elephant in the room, but he needs to address it. I gave my best. I gave my all. It's his turn.

::Radio Silence::

I just don't have it in me to care. Not sure if I'm pissed, or hurt, or both.

At least I've been tanning Shilo's hide.

EDITED TO ADD:

I'm not fond of histrionics, but it's awfully tempting.
https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/histrionics

I Can't Feel My Face! (12-28-16)

Warning:

If you are offended by Religion (in general) what happens to a body when someone dies, terrorists (in general). Love or loss of body function, please leave now. I got nothing for you.


It was bound to happen eventually. Using edibles for pain requires trial and error. My morning routine of starting with breakfast and a sour strawberry straw was only working until about 3PM, and then I would eat a cola bottle to get me through the rest of the day, and it wasn't quite working. I was debating this yesterday when I woke up. I figured I'd see how I did with two sour strawberry straws (about 36mg) and go from there.


I got my edible bag (a purse that has my edibles in it) and noticed a caramel fudge that was 35 mg. I decided to eat it. I mean, what harm could there be? I put the sour strawberry straws away, and ate the caramel fudge instead. It tasted good. I played games on my phone waiting for it to work.


About an hour later, it happened. My vision got blurry, my body got warm, and my face was numb. The warmth kept washing over me, and my heartbeat skyrocketed. I thought I was going to die. I know that I'd have to consume more than I could possibly eat to actually overdose, and even then, it wouldn't kill me. I even knew it at that point, but my heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid.


I remember saying that I didn't want to die yet because I want to see my (overdue) grandson first. I put on my CPAP to help me breathe, and then I asked Shilo what would happen if I stopped breathing. Then I said "Nevermind, my lungs will just fill with air and then explode in my chest cavity." Then I went on about how when I died my mouth would pop open, so the air would rush out through it, and how it was a good thing I had on a diaper because I didn't want to piss and shit on the recliner and ruin it.


Then the inquisition started. The best way to explain it was that questions formed in my head about my life, and I had to answer out loud. I said That I believe in God, and I explained my belief regarding The Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I explained that I also believe that Satan is as real as God is, and that I believe in Heaven and hell. I asked about purgatory, and I said that I feel earth is purgatory, but I wasn't sure. I didn't get an answer.


I was asked about love. Could I feel enough love for everyone? Could I really forgive everyone, and find love in my heart for them? I found the forgiveness for everyone, including myself. Then I told them that since my Mom could do it, I could too. I even went on to say that I knew (person) asked forgiveness for the mean way she acted towards me, so I could forgive her and love her as well. I said that everyone who died before me had gone through this, and I knew it was the only right thing to do. I let go of my anger.


I saw where I held certain people to a standard that I have only recently reached myself. How dare I be angry at Jonathan's (now-ex) girlfriend for what she did, when I've done things I'm not proud of either? I remembered all the things I did and I explained why I did them, and how I could have handled it better.


I discussed that I realized how fortunate I was to be where I am. Soldiers aren't gunning down people in the street, and we aren't being bombed. Girls aren't being forced to marry and have kids before they're 12.


I asked Shilo what time it was, and was surprised it had only been 10 minutes. It felt like HOURS. I went back to the inquisition. I said "God knows I'm not perfect." and then I laughed, because for all I knew, it was God asking the questions.


I talked about my mental health, and how I hated being treated like I was fragile just because of the depression, PTSD et.al. I hate that there is a stigma. Why not just accept the mental illness? See the whole person. Don't be afraid. 


I talked about my fears. I realized I was less afraid by telling my fears. It got to the point I laughed after saying the words "I'm afraid." The truth is that because I believe on God, God watches over me, so I don't have to be afraid.


I talked about prayer and I explained that I felt it must be like being an "A list" celebrity. Everyone wants a piece of you. You have no privacy. All the millions of requests coming in at once. Why should I bother God with my concerns when there are so many people who are suffering more than me?


I was reminded that I need to stop being so selfish. "See the big picture, think globally." How do my actions affect others?


I talked about Osama bin Ladin,terrorists, ISIS, and people in other hate groups. How we all had different world views and that just because I viewed him as a horrible human being (just like Hitler) it didn't mean that everyone saw him like that. Surely, someone must have loved and admired him, and maybe even saw him as a hero. I talked about criminals in general and how I have no sympathy for them. They deserve punishment, but I also admitted that God is the Judge, not me.


I talked about "lizard-face" (Mohamed Atta) and how to me, he represented all that was evil on this world. I talked about "If you see something, say something" and how ridiculous it was. I joked about how I doubted he would have tweeted his plans, or added it as a status on Facebook or MySpace. I speculated that he probably only discussed it with people who would approve. Otherwise, wouldn't his plans have been thwarted? Never learning how to land a plane is a red flag.


I talked about romantic/sexual Love, desire, BDSM and Polyamory. About what my love style is, and how it came to be. Things I know God knows about me, but I was told to talk about it.


I asked about why submissive men worry so much about what they're wearing to a dungeon when it won't even be worn that long before someone takes it off. I never got any answers to my questions, but I got answers about what makes me me, and I saw all the love I really do have, and how easy forgiveness is when you know that everyone will get to go through it. It's easy to forgive when you know they asked for forgiveness with a pure heart, and knowing that if their heart wasn't pure, it was up to God. What mattered at that moment was the purity of my heart.


Sunshine came out a few times and complained that she was sick. I went through so many feelings, but late last night when I finally felt somewhat normal, I realized that having enough love in my heart for everyone, and forgiving them was important. Even more important, I need to forgive myself. Think globally. That was the message I got from my inquisition.


On a more practical note, I learned that I need to only eat predictable things.

Field Trip Report and Diary (12-25)

This was written over a 12 hour period with frequent breaks. My pain level is going down. Also, because pain is a subjective thing, and it affects my ability to do things, I added my personal pain scale for future reference. No matter what my pain level is, I can be nice and polite to people other than Stitch and Shilo. The last thing I want to do is alienate people who have a choice in putting up with me. On to my report:


For anyone who read my experience on obtaining my medical marijuana prescription, you know my experience at the dispensary was overwhelming. Fortunately, a kinky friend ("N") offered to take me on a field trip to a dispensary near my home and talk me through the process of choosing edibles. Since Long Beach only has delivery available, I did my homework and found a walk-in dispensary.


I had taken the time to read the reviews on Weedmaps and found a dispensary in Wilmington with a rating of 5 out of 5. It even had a menu of available products with pictures of them. "N" arrived on early Friday afternoon (12-23) I was dressed and ready to go, but I was stiff and in pain (9) because I had finished the last of my edibles on Thursday afternoon. This only further proved that medical marijuana is a miracle drug for me.


So, armed with the address, our prescriptions, and a GPS, we headed to parts unknown. We drove back and forth twice and we couldn't find the place. We parked about 2 blocks away and walked. We quickly discovered why we missed it. It was a white door with just the street number on it. No name, just the number. We would have never found it by driving, so it was a good thing we decided to park and walk.


We walked in, presented our ID's and prescriptions, and filled out paperwork. Once we were cleared, we entered the main part of the dispensary. It had all sorts of products, and I know that I would have become overwhelmed by it all if I had been alone. Because "N" was with me, she was able to point out the edibles, distract the employee from trying to sell me "flower" and I wasn't overwhelmed and I was able to ask questions. The employee seemed impressed by her knowledge and allowed us to just look and discuss the various edibles. He was much more knowledgeable than the person at the dispensary I went to before.


I'm currently on a limited budget, so I can only afford to spend $20-25 a week. I was able to bypass the Cheeba Chews in favor of more appealing edibles. This time I bought cherry cola bottle gummies (10 mg a bottle, 100mg altogether) and a paçkage of 20 sour strawberry straws with a total of 375 mg, and I spent only $22. That should last at least 16 days depending on how much pain I'm in.I took "N" out for lunch and when I got home, I took 2 of the gummy bottles (20 mg) and gave "N" one. They had a slightly bad taste similar to the Cheeba Chews but not as nasty. I decided that I would require a "chaser" to rid myself of the bad taste. Because the pain was so bad, it took longer for it to work.


On early Saturday morning, (8:30AM) I had a sour strawberry straw. Within an hour I was pain free (level 0!) and able to move. I felt normal for the first time in months! My range of motion was improved as well. It lasted for about 8 hours, and other than a little sleepiness, I felt so good that I cut up 4lbs of roast into cubes for a stew without help! I did some modified exercises and even hung decorations on the tree and the wreath on the door. After all that, I went with Shilo to the 99 cent store and did some shopping. I came home with a backache, (pain level 4) I had spent all day standing up or at my desk on the computer. This is really an accomplishment! Also of note: My arm wasn't hurting.


At 5PM I ate one cola bottle gummy along with a "chaser" of cherry flavored skittles (a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down) and I was good till I was ready to watch TV and go to sleep. (about 10:30PM) Something to note was that my arm was still at 0 for pain. During the time I was up I made pizza crust from scratch and fixed 2 personal pizzas. I also sat at my desk and answered some emails and then wrapped a gift. I'm a bit superstitious, so I won't take my prescription medication within 6 hours of of having an edible so I took my medication for my various conditions (no pain medication, even though my back was hovering at a 4) about midnight. I woke up around 3AM for an unrelated reason and noticed my arm pain level was at 3 (tolerable enough to function, but very aware that I was hurting.) I was able to fall back asleep with the aid of a movie on TV. I woke up at 7AM (seems to be my "new" wakeup time) with my arm pain level at 7 and rising as I sat up in the recliner. The back pain was gone. I ate breakfast and a sour strawberry straw at 8:30. By then my pain was at 8 1/2 and I was ready to be rid of it.

My Pain Chart

 

0- no pain. Able to move and function at my best and "push" myself doing PT and exercises within my current physical limitations.

1- pain is slightly noticeable when I use my arm, but I can distract myself for short periods of time.

2- pain is moderately noticeable when I use my arm. More difficult to distract myself.

3- pain is tolerable enough to function, but I'm very aware of the pain even when not doing any activity.

4- pain is not nearly as tolerable, and I will avoid activity other than what's necessary. I will stay in the recliner unless I must get up.

5- pain is constant, and it's difficult to function, but I don't ask for help.

6- I will mention I'm in pain and most activities are done using my left hand if possible, or I might ask for help with some activities that I can normally do on my own.

7- I'm visibly in pain. Activities are done using my left hand if possible, or I ask for help.

8- pain is visible, I get whiny and grouchy and ask for help with everything. Depression sets in.

9- the pain causes stiffness and I must have help including in the bathroom. I will try not to cry.

10- I'm in tears, unable to function, and unable to even think about the most basic things. I just feel like giving up.

11- I'm beyond the regular scale. I will scream in pain and cry constantly. I'm unable to talk or be reasonable. I just want to die so the pain will go away.


I'm looking forward to better days.