9 Questions and answers

Recently, Shilo has stated that he feels like he’s not really married to me, and I was more than a little surprised about that comment. In an effort to try and understand why and how, I asked him to tell me exactly why he felt that way, and he presented me with 9 reasons on his various blogs last night/this morning. I am now presenting them to him (and any readers) with my answers. He explained to me this morning that he didn’t really need solutions, but I have given a few anyway.

1.  She talks...gripes...complains... jokes... to me about Her ex-husband,. Stitch, who still lives with us, and with whom She shares time....   in a way that really makes me feel like, She is still HIS wife, and I am ... Her lover ... and She uses me as Her sounding board , to talk about Her problems with him.

A: You knew he would be around. You agreed to it. Who is there (really) that I can talk to? It goes both ways. (I complain/talk to Stitch about you too)

2.  Consider all the possible groups and sub groups, starting with
     MY  family .... friends ....  co-workers ....   church friends       and
     HIS  family ..... friends ...   co-workers ...    church friends?    and
     HER  family .... friends ...   co-workers?      Church friends
     Having made that list ...  start checking them off,  by  who knows that She and I are married, and who believes that She and Stitch are (still) married. I do believe that everybody (almost..?) within our circle of  ... um.... "non vanilla" friends know that She and I are married, and that's just fine and dandy,   but I'm just thinking about the vanilla-esque circle,  and the aggravation I feel in the pit of my stomach when we attend Her church socials, and I am introduced as Her (gay!) care giver.

A: Everyone (that counts) in my family knows. The boys know. My San Bernardino family and friends know. I have very few people I call “friend” and they know you and I are married. My church friends? Well, most of them don’t yet know (and you know why) and I no longer introduce Stitch as my husband. I have no co-workers to speak of. His family consists of the boys (discussed above) His mother has severe dementia, so no reason to upset her. His friends and co-workers don’t need to know. We agreed in the beginning (BEFORE we got romantically involved) that we would use the caregiver story to avoid raising eyebrows. As far as I know, your people know about us being married. That is all that counts. My solution is that I will announce our marriage once I’ve returned from the business trip if that is really what you want. It’s the polyamory that I’m trying to avoid discussing. Also Stitch doesn’t want people to think he’s “available”.

3. On the evenings that we are home...
    She spends most of the evening in Stitch's room... because that's where Her computer is.... while I spend the evening in my room...
  Until such a time as She decides to come join me in bed.

A: We could move my computer in the dining room/living room area, since it looks like Sunshine isn’t getting her room.

 4. She never misses an opportunity to call the house, HER HOUSE, and to call the beds, in Stitch's room and in my room, HER BEDS.
 It makes me think, I'm just a boarder there.

A: I put $35,000 (a HUGE chunk of MY inheritance) in purchasing the house, not including the money I spent in fixing up the house. So, yes, I consider it to be mine. When it comes time for us to actually register as the owner(s) I want it in all 3 of our names. I purposely purchased both beds, so no matter who I am sleeping with, I’m sleeping in my bed (polyamory strikes again!)

5.  Secrets, as in Hers.
     She might have only one,  She might have a thousand and one.
     Whenever a conversation we are having starts to zero in on some secret,  She stops the conversation and says, 'A girl has to have SOME secrets...Really? From Her husband?

A: I’m really not sure you want to know all the sordid details of my life. There are some things I’ve done that I’m not exactly proud of. As far as I’m concerned, you know the important stuff, and you know quite a few things that Stitch doesn’t know. And I feel that, yes, some things are better off not being revealed. To anyone. EVER! Add to it that my memory about some things sucks, so quite a bit has to do with not remembering details.

6.  Our finances ...Hers, mine, even Stitches...  while we don't exactly keep it all a secret from each other, we don't intermingle them either.

   Stitch and I make payments to Her for house payment and household bills, ... it's another procedure that I'm a renter or a boarder.

A: We discussed this in the beginning, and both you and Stitch decided it was better that I be responsible for paying the bills. We both know that Stitch is irresponsible with money, and you said you trusted me to pay the bills (which I do, on time, and in full) If you want a 3 way account, we can do so. It doesn’t really matter to me. 

7. She has not, and says She will not, take my last name for Her own.   
   She still keeps the name of Her second husband.  

A: I wanted to keep the same last name as my children to avoid confusion. I also have a (now expired) professional license, and I didn’t want to go through the hassle of a name change. It requires a court order (FEE: $435) and Notification of ALL my creditors etc. Just not worth it IMHO.

8.  The three of us wear matching silver wedding bands, AND She still wears the gold band from Her marriage to Stitch.

A: I wear the gold band on my right hand. It is very special to me. You wear your LOTR ring on your right hand, and Stitch wears his gold band on his left hand over the silver band. I may not be married to him, but we do have a commitment. (Polyamory)

9.  Growing up.... what I saw of married life, was ... the man went to work in the morning, and returned in the evening, five days a week, off on holidays and weekends.
   And that's how I learned to expect and perceive it.
   NOW, for us:   Stitch goes to work in the morning, and returns in the evening... is off on holidays and weekends.
   MY work schedule is ... all over the map: I currently work half a day on Sundays, and three overnights...  and, um, etc.
 On Mondays and Tuesdays, She is still asleep when I get home.
  On Mondays and Tuesdays, She is sitting at Her computer ...while Stitch is prone on the bed, watching t.v.  ... when I got to work.
  It gives me the feeling that THEY are married, and I'm the roommate or boarder, just saying 'see ya later' as I go to work.

A: I can’t “fix” your schedule, but I do try to be with you when you leave for work. As for the computer, I offered a suggestion (above, answer #3) but I can’t do much else.

So, as you can see, it’s not really my marriage to Shilo that I’m hiding, as much as it is the polyamory. I’ve provided a viable solution for the computer issue, and expressed my feelings about finances and name changes with reasonable (to me) explanations. I’m sure I will get feedback on all of this, and while we might have issues in the future and further questions, I feel content in knowing why Shilo feels how he feels, and that we can work together to solve the problems/issues that came up.