Silence (8-5-14)

"Silence is Golden." Who hasn't heard that at one time or another? People neglect to say that Silence can also be an insidious blackish-gray cloud that covers and overtakes everything, until there is Nothing. I am there. I am in the Darkness, becoming Nothing, fighting still, but as the Nothingness overtakes me, I cannot be heard or seen.

Sometimes a wind takes over, and momentarily exposes the sun, but I wonder, if I scream, when I scream, can I even be heard? If I'm heard, will anyone bother to answer, to rescue me? Can they even hear my cries of despair, or do I just sound like a cold howling wind?

I want: I want to be heard.. If I'm not heard. I am Nothing.

I need: I need to be valued as a person, as a human being. If I am devalued, I am Nothing.

If a person is Nothing, then they are already dead, a waste of air and space. I don't want to be those things. I've fought, I've won, and, sometimes, I've lost, but I survived. I lived to see another day. I gained strength from my losses, more so than from the times I won.  Life is funny that way... You lay there on the ground, barely breathing, barely moving, and you slowly, carefully, painfully, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and walk away. Sure, your ego and pride is hurt, but you survived! You aren't a victim, you are a survivor! I am a survivor, but this battle is really taking me out. I'm discouraged.

Someone I Love, someone I value, is fighting against me, against us, and even as I attempt to scream in my dark cloud, I get the feeling he doesn't fully understand or comprehend. It's one thing to say, to admit, that you are destroying everything good in your life by your behavior, but it's altogether different to fully understand and admit it to yourself.If you say you are destroying something, and you continue to destroy it, then your admission means nothing.

I can change my behavior all I want, but I can't change what you are doing. I can tell you about your behavior and how it affects me, but I know even that will not change anything. I can ask, beg, and plead with you to look at what you are doing, I will point out examples as they happen, but unless you decide to stop said behavior, it will continue.

As for me, I'll just keep getting pummeled to the ground, barely breathing, barely moving, and then slowly, carefully, painfully, pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on going. Or maybe, I'll just lay there for a while and look up at the sky. Either way, I'm not giving up. Not now, not ever. I still catch glimpses of the sun and sky.