Shilo

This is written to give him a "heads up," but I'm sure that it might be entertaining for others as well...

Over the past few days, Shilo and I have been discussing BDSM structures, Female Led Domestic Discipline, Relationships, polyamory, and whole bunch of other things. All of them are heavy-duty, and they all relate directly to us, our marriage, our relationship, and our Household. Some things, Shilo has even dared to write in his journal, and a few of his opinions expressed are quite controversial. Still, those are his opinions, and he's allowed to express them. I know he wrote some things to elicit a response from me, and instead, I chose not to respond to those remarks. He wrote some things he feels about our relationship and how he views them. How a person views something and how they are can be two different things. I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing with those things at this point. I'm just putting it out there that I read it and took it all in.

So, what does this really mean? It means that I may or may not agree with his stated opinions, depending on what they are. What he wrote about his views on our relationship has some similarities to how it is for us as I see it, but, again, not all. I will say that his health issues have caused a 'shift' in our relationship, and if you add the fiasco about Sherman to it, you can say that the past 13 or so months have had a HUGE effect on where we are now at this moment. While there have been negative effects, there also have been positive, and the positive outweighs the negative. We're exploring, and with our explorations, we've learned new truths about ourselves and each other. We've broken down much of the "smoke and mirrors" and see some things clearly. Both of us have become strengthened and hurt by these revelations.

What's important to know is that at the end of the day, this all relates to us. My relationship with Shilo. It has  almost no effect on how I am with others. the give and take part is different, but it doesn't make me any less Merry, and it doesn't make him any less Shilo. How we relate and react to each other, not the outside world.

So is there "smoke and mirrors" to others? Do we hide behind a veil? I think all couples do. I mean, how or why we do things isn't always for public consumption. The important thing for you to know is that the spankings and discipline are very real. I am turning his ass that lovely color. The corner time is real. I really do make him sing "Twinkle, twinkle little bat."  My laughter is real. I enjoy all this. I am a Sadist, he is a masochist. We enjoy each other. We Love each other. The chastity is real. He does wear those devices for up to a week or more. The devotion we have to each other is real.

Will I address these things further? Will I give a heartfelt response with my feeling bared for all to see? That's yet to be determined.... But for now...

I heard you Shilo.  I Love you Shilo.

Please allow me the time to take it all in.

Merry

Bonus Post!

My Mother-in-Law is feeling better, she will be undergoing both chemo and radiation soon. The conservatorship hearing was postponed. We go back next week.  Child #4 was hospitalized due to multiple seizures and he's with us till Wednesday afternoon. Shilo saw our new doctor last week, and he's now on a gluten free diet.

I'm renting some garage storage space to a friend of our boarder which just about makes up for the money lost because Sherman/Tallship wouldn't pay. An added bonus: When paying bills last week, I saw that the water/gas and electric bill had gone down noticeably. While we aren't out of the woods, I can say that things in that department are looking up.

Sherman/Tallship has been out of my Household for a little over 3 weeks, and I was given some good news. Now if I could manage a little more sleep, I'd feel even better.

A Full Heart

Soo...What prompted this? Oh, a little of everything.

Sometimes we feel like we're alone, but we aren't. Sometimes we feel like we've been left in the cold and the dark, and we will huddle together with those closest to us and cry out for relief. Other times, we just feel burdened. Let me tell you... I have been so burdened down with the pain and cares of the world lately. I'm responsible, or, at least, I feel responsible for my mistakes, my errors in judgement, my fuck-ups. Ohh.. I've made so many of them, and I beat myself up constantly for them. I had one of those weeks last week, and it all blew up on Saturday. (5-23)

I shut off, shut down. Went into the deep end of the (virtual) pool and stayed underwater. Not on the surface. I let Sunshine pick up the pieces. She has a knack for expressing my feelings in a calm way that I couldn't express. When she pulled me out of the pool and let me back out, I had a feeling of inner peace. Shilo apologized, and while that was nice, he also gave me the forgiveness that I needed. I've carried so much guilt and self-loathing over my error in judgement regarding Sherman/Tallship. It's affected how I interact with Shilo and Stitch, and I was just feeling that my fuck-up on that situation was causing everyone to hate me, when, in reality, it was just me hating myself, and blocking out any Love I had the potential of receiving. He told me that everyone in the household had forgiven me weeks ago, and it was time for me to let go of it. I did. The best part was that a weight was lifted.

He went on (much to my dismay) to tell me that the sub I was considering would not work out, and I told him to give it time. I figured out it was doomed before it started, but I pursued it anyway. Blame the masochist in me. Well, that time is up. The ship has sailed. I'm tired of explaining to someone why BDSM isn't Burger King.  Now, while all this was happening, I saw something on the internet that caused my heart to feel good. It was just a picture with a caption, but that little picture made me smile. I gave a quiet acknowledgement and waited.That quiet acknowledgement was received, and I was reminded again that anything worth having is worth waiting for, and that we all have guardian angels. Maybe not the kind that some Christians believe, but we all have people who do care about us, but we can't always see them. No, not stalkers either. I found out today that I had one, and it filled my heart with happiness.

For quite a long time, I tore myself apart over something (not mentioned here) that I knew full well wasn't my responsibility or my fault. Today I finally received word that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I was told the hidden part of the story. That  lifted a weight as well.

I don't know whether things have improved, but I can say that the guilt and pain I've been carrying has been tossed in the trash where it belongs, and I'm ready for a new adventure with the Ones I Love.

January Already???!!!

Here it is... January already! Think of this as an update on my life and Household.

My last post (on December 7th) was the day before I wrote a note to all members of the Household about some things that had me bothered, along with suggestions to make things better/easier for myself and the rest of the Household. I'm happy to say that there have been some improvements, but, in a few cases, it's been a case of "too little, too late." It got so bad, that I wrote another letter to the Household on New Year's Day and told Sherman that he has until February 19th to either have a job and pay towards Household expenses or move out. I think the majority of us would prefer a move out at this point.

My son Babyman AKA Child #4 has been having increased health issues, so he's been staying at the house with me. I now consider him a part-time member of the Household. Yes, this means that most activities previously allowed are now forbidden on a regular basis, but it's for the best in the long run. My child needs me. Also, we see the Neurology Specialist tomorrow to discuss the results of his MRI he had last month, and the options available. Kind of scary, but we need to do what's best for him and his health.

Finally, lets discuss Polyamory a little bit: Yes, I'm polyamorous, and I have three men living with me and two of them are my sexual partners. People seem to think I have and get sex on a frequent basis, and that simply isn't the case. For the record, the last time I engaged in intercourse with anyone that I recall was sometime in November. If I did it in December, I have no memory of it. I'm sure Shilo will remind me in the comments if we did. I know for a fact that Stitch hasn't. I'm not "complaining" just stating facts. Sherman went so far as to tell me if he wasn't mono he'd "give me some" but my #1 thought was "ICK!!!" Yeah, so now the truth about poly is out. Will I "get some" in January? The jury is still deciding on that.

I'll try to update a little more often.

WARNING!

My health is very important to me, and I will no longer neglect it just to keep others happy and comfortable.


That is all... (for now)

What I Did Today And Why I Did it (8-25-14)

A situation happened this past weekend that has me tied up in knots, and not in the "good" way either. I don't expect anyone to understand or accept, but I still need to express myself. I am a "Little," or, rather, I have a Little Girl that lives inside me. Her name is Sunshine, and she is 7 years old. This is different than "age play" in that I don't pretend I'm 7, and act like a 7 year old. Sunshine is a complete and separate personality than me. It's not an easy thing to explain to others, either. I mean, how do you explain some of her actions and why she says and does the things she says and does? How do you explain that, yes, she can be jealous, but she's not full of malice or her intentions are mostly innocent, and she doesn't mean to do others harm, or hurt their feelings?


Sunday morning consisted mostly of Sunshine crying and yelling insistently that she was a good girl, and didn't do anything wrong or bad, and Sherman telling her that she did do something wrong and made a grown woman cry. Either way, it caused quite a ruckus, and I missed out on Sunday morning sex with Shilo because of it. To say that Shilo is getting tired of misunderstandings such as this is an understatement. Living with me is difficult enough, but add Stitch and other household members, plus the dogs and cats, and add Sunshine, and it can be troublesome at best. Let's just say that Sunshine will sometimes act like a normal 7 year old child that wants attention and affection, and if she feels like someone else has the attention and affection that is (in her opinion) rightfully hers, there will be misbehavior on her part.


I'm protective of Sunshine, as are Stitch and Shilo. After all, she is 7, and even though she's constantly learning things, thanks to her inquisitive nature, and Shilo's patience in explaining how things work, her emotions are still that of a 7 year old, and, most likely, always will be. She's precocious in many ways, but put pressure on her, and she will react like a 7 year old would, because she is 7. Much of the time, she just wants to play games on Facebook, but she does have a Fetlife page of her own, and she will sometimes respond to a message. I'm not friends with her because she's independent, and she has her own interests. It was decided long ago that we cannot "protect" her from my kinks and shelter her like one would with their offspring. she comes and goes at will, and she has been known to "hijack" my body at inopportune times.
So, what was I up to? I was looking up an explanation of MPD/DID for the woman who was and is upset with Sunshine, because she doesn't understand how a 7 year old could live in the body of a woman who is 50+ years old. I'm thinking that THIS will help. In the meantime, if anyone could assist me with an easier to understand explanation for the woman, please point it out to me. ~ M

Thursday Blues

I woke up early today, not really sure why I did, but it seems to happen quite a bit lately. Sherman was already awake also but it's not unusual for him. It just seems lately there's been so much going on, and I only get part of what's going on written down. Perhaps the reasons will be made clearer by what I've decided to share today. Let's start with Wednesday.

We (Shilo, Sherman, Stitch, and myself) had pre-planned to get together for my birthday party on early Wednesday evening. The designated place was Golden Corral because they had cotton candy and ice cream cones, and Sunshine really enjoys that stuff. Maybe that was a mistake, because she wound up hijacking my body, and I did not get to enjoy anything. I understand she also ate quite a few white chocolate covered strawberries. Evidence of that was found in the toilet this morning. I understand that perhaps this is TMI, but it's my blog and I can write what I want to.What I have not mentioned, is that Shilo and I have been hitting quite a few rough spots lately.

By rough spots, I mean that we have not been getting along very well. He has been surly, argumentative, and generally just difficult to get along with. I have put up with it without much argument because it's just easier to deal with it than to fight with him. Unfortunately, late last night I had about enough, and I told him exactly how I was feeling. Well, not exactly, but I did tell him I was not going to go to bed angry. I explained to him at that point what I was angry about at that moment. I also decided I was going to sleep with Stitch instead of Shilo simply because I was so very frustrated with him. My state of mind lately  has been that if I cannot get along with you, whoever you may be, I most certainly am not about to sleep with you, especially if I have a choice in the matter.  I don't like to make those types of decisions, but sometimes I have no choice in the matter. I slept with Stitch, but he was (thankfully) oblivious to my presence.

This morning, I had a rather long discussion with Shilo after everybody left for work. Unfortunately, the discussion only succeeded in frustrating me and didn't really solve anything. Shilo doesn't seem to understand why I'm so upset, or at least it seems that way to me. He's hurting me to the core, and he does not seem to see it. I did manage to find out that he has not been taking his anti-depressants like he's supposed to. My theory is that's part of the problem but not all of it. I even went so far as to tell him if he wants to be in charge, I will willingly hand him the reins simply because I have just had enough. Instead of understanding my frustration, he simply took it as a veiled threat.

This is my life, this is my frustrations. I'd like to say everything was peachy keen or hunky dory but I would be completely lying. Can't lie forever, especially not to myself. I guess I could actually say that at least things are out in the open now, but it doesn't feel any better. I got so frustrated I just ended the conversation without really solving anything. I just wish he understood. I'm sure he will eventually read this anyway. There's no doubt in my mind he will get angry about it too but I really don't care anymore because he's always angry anyway. Please don't take this as me not Loving him, because I Love him with all my heart. If I didn't Love him I wouldn't put up with this. My hope is that things will improve soon. One can always hope. It's time for me to get my Thursday afternoon started, so I will quit here.

Just An Update

Things are working out well with Sherman. He gets along well with both Stitch and Shilo, and Shilo was the one I was most concerned about, because he had only heard tidbits about Sherman up until he moved in here. It's also feeling more "permanent" because we now have his dog here in addition to his belongings.

Sherman has also proven that he knows his way around the kitchen, and has made dinner for us (Stitch and me, Shilo was working) a few times now. He also cooked while Shilo and I were camping last week. It's nice that I don't need to worry about cooking food in advance for Stitch when Shilo and I are gone. Shilo also took his turn in the kitchen this past week, modifying a meal he made before for us and adding cooked linguica, much to my delight. It's nice to know I don't have to make dinner if I'm not feeling up to it.

About the campout last weekend: I know I barely mentioned it a week ago, and not since. Shilo and I arrived about 15 minutes after it was scheduled to start, and he set up the tent with minimal help from me. He seemed to have an attitude that it was his job, so I let him at it, even though my helping would have saved time. We were the first ones to arrive. I got to see people I only see twice a year or less, and I even saw "Z"! I was dancing with delight to see her. She's had some rough times, and she looks so good! I'm very happy and proud for her. In the early morning hours (about 1 or so) I put Shilo on a spanking bench, and hit his ass with a number of implements. Then I went into the tent so I could receive my orgasm. He did a great job, but was unable to get or maintain an erection so we could engage in intercourse. I wasn't mad, but I was disappointed. The next paragraph will explain why.

Engaging in intercourse with Shilo is indescribable. Yes, he refers to it as "the ol' in and out" referencing "A Clockwork Orange" and I just write it as sex, but it's so much more than that. Because of the length, thickness, and shape of his penis, we have to have intercourse in missionary position. Any other position is painful because of what was left after my hysterectomy. He hits my g-spot every time!!! Washing sheets and/or towels is something I do frequently, and I don't mind a bit, because the sex is so good. I say terrible things, scream, and scratch like a tigress in heat. As incredible as it is for me, and as much as he enjoys it, there is one very unfortunate problem: He rarely reaches a climax. My theory is that he spent too many years masturbating, and it is so different from intercourse that he cannot cum from intercourse. Don't get me wrong, he will occasionally hit that point, but not very often.Yes, he says he enjoys sex with me, there's nothing wrong with me, and he even initiates sex on a regular basis. Unfortunately, the inability to get or maintain an erection lately has been problematic. My solution is in the next paragraph.

I don't like calling this a solution, because it solves nothing, but it seems to work in some evil, twisted way... He used to lock up in chastity to prevent masturbation before he got together with me, and, even after that, I used his chastity device in that manner, plus on other occasions as well. I won't answer for him, but, for me, it's a fetish. I enjoy seeing him locked in etc. a full explanation is here and it explains much better than my sleep deprived brain ever could. So, on Sunday, July 6th, at about 3 in the afternoon, Shilo got locked up in his newest device. It's silicone, and he says it's comfortable. I can't explain the psychology behind it, nor can I even explain what it does to him, but it seems to work. Also, we don't see chastity as a "punishment" so it works quite well, Actually, that's a misnomer. It is a punishment, for me, mostly, because, as stated before, I ENJOY sex with him so much. Yes, I can unlock him whenever I want. It's just that lately I've wanted to be pursued, and so I've not made the first move with anyone. I don't recall the last time I had sex with Stitch (maybe sometime in early June?) and Sherman, while he was "approved" for sex several years ago by Stitch, he hasn't gotten tested, and I don't feel necessarily sexual towards him, and he's still getting used to things here, so while he will hold me and kiss me, he hasn't tried anything, and, well, Shilo is locked up, and he hasn't even offered me an orgasm. so, yes, it tortures me more than anyone.

I thought about masturbating a few days ago to take off "the edge" a little bit, but I'm too tired. It's funny: I am in my house, running around nearly naked with three relatively healthy men, amd not one has even tried to initiate sex, or foreplay, or even just doing something to warm me up to them. I'm horny, but I'm not going to ask. Maybe it's a pride thing. I know that Shilo reads this sometimes, but who knows when, or even if he will use this information against me? (Or maybe for me?) I'm fully aware that he has masturbated while wearing a chastity device in the past, so even that can't or won't stop him. In the meantime, I just suffer in silence.

In other news, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm attending a FemDomme party tonight with Shilo. We will actually celebrate my birthday on the 16th at what Sunshine calls "The cotton candy place." Now I must get my weekend started.

Today

This marks the first time we will go out a a Family with our newest member of the Household (Sherman). I acknowledge that even though he's submissive to me, he is a Dominant, and his "rules" are different. I'm pretty sure he has learned to consult with me before he gets "tangled" with someone, but I will have a talk with him about that later on.

Tonight is the South Bay Munch, and because Sherman has never really gone public, he will have lots to learn. This will also be the first munch in a year that Shilo will be able to attend due to his work schedule. I actually gave Sherman a 30 minute "tutorial" on behavior and other things he needs to know when attending a munch. I reminded him that he needs to find his place here before he even tries to get involved with another woman. I think he understands.

Also, Child #4 is still here, so I will be bringing him along as well. Here's hoping he behaves. Plenty of things to do today, so I'm off!

Current Events: Relationship Shifts

Since sometime in early June, I’ve been seeking a domestic sub/slave to make my household complete. It’s not as easy as it may seem. I have requirements and desires, and finding someone with even a majority of the requirements is nearly impossible. For your entertainment, I’ve attached my ad below:

For a long time, I was not actively looking for another submissive or slave. I am still very happy with my slave (and husband) Shilo, but we have mutually decided that adding another submissive, preferably one willing to do domestic duties would help to make our household complete. Male is preferred, but not an absolute necessity. You do not need to be a masochist, but you must be willing to accept discipline.

I prefer that you are over 35 and able to support yourself. You must be in good health and able to lift 50 pounds. Your height and weight doesn’t matter nearly as much as your personality. Smoking and/or drug use will NOT be tolerated, but I am fine with a light social drinker or cannabis user. You must be responsible and able to do housekeeping and assist with yard work and painting. Driving me places in your vehicle or running occasional errands will also be expected. Live-in is not expected, but occasional overnight stays will be required. My household is clothing optional, so you should ideally be comfortable in your own skin.

The following is preferred:

• Ability to swim
• Willingness to be in chastity while in service to household

The following is non-negotiable:

• Must like both dogs and cats.
• Must be willing and able to provide clean HIV status upon request
• Must be available at least 3 times a week, and also attend any family/household meetings.
• Must be discreet. I don't want my neighbors talking.
• Must have local references. This could be vanilla or perhaps a former Master/Mistress.

Please send all inquiries to (email redacted) Please include experience, references and availability.

I later added the following:

I am not a swinger, and I am very selective when it comes to sexual partners, so even if there is mutual attraction, there is no guarantee that I will have sex with you.

You must be service-oriented and not a brat. I expect once weekly meetings to start, and then an increase if and when you are approved and accepted into my household/Family.

My interests are varied, and I like having people around me who will stimulate my mind.

TO CLARIFY: My hope is to find someone who will eventually be a full-time live in member of my poly Household. Something like this takes time, and I do not want to make the wrong decisions in selecting someone. If you do not live in California already, I will not accept your message.

As anyone can see, my desires are stated clearly. It was only after I added the second part that I began to get replies, and I made between 3 and 5 appointments a day on my available days for interviews. There were the usual cancellations and no-shows along with people who lied about their age (“dust in a suit” was Shilo’s term for one of them) and their experience, including one who adamantly refused to come into the restaurant for his interview. I had given up on meeting people a little over a week ago, but I had a few pre-set interview appointments so I kept them.

Then it happened:

A week ago, in the early evening hours, an old friend/acquaintance from high school that is a Dominant called me, asking if he could visit. I invited him to my home back in October, shortly after I married Shilo and moved in the house. I figured he just finally felt the need to talk. I was wrong. Anyway, I invited him to come over about 3 on Saturday, and I told him I only had a two hour window. He arrived, looking more tired than I’ve ever seen him. When I asked about his daughter, he told me she was living with her mother (!!!) and when I asked what happed to his home, he told me about losing it when he lost his contract. So he was jobless, homeless, and without his daughter. Then he told me his fiancée dumped him too, and he was couch surfing. Not good.

I immediately called a Family meeting and asked if Shilo and Stitch would mind him joining the Household. He had already offered to do the work described above, and explained he had seen my ad on my profile. It was a no-brainer. Both Shilo and Stitch agreed that having him in the Household would be a positive thing, and, because Stitch already knew him, and Shilo trusted my judgment on him, it would be a relatively easy thing. So, my newest addition (Sherman) moved in here 5 days ago. He seems to get along well with everyone else, and he helps out as often as possible. He even accepted discipline today without complaint.

It almost goes without saying that there are adjustments being made. A slight growling and regrouping taking place. Sherman doesn’t seem to understand it, so late last night, when the two of us were alone in the hot tub, I explained about “pack mentality” and that most of the tension, if any, had to do with having another male in the pack, and nobody was really sure where Sherman would wind up (Alpha, Beta, Omega) and, until it was settled, there would be some grumbling. So, then Sherman told me he didn’t want anyone to feel displaced. As much as I tried to explain that it was the natural order of things, the more he resisted the idea. I finally told him that there is no competition between any of them, but until the others accepted that, there was going to be a little tension. I think he finally accepted that. Afterwards, he got in the shower with me and washed my hair, and then I went back to bed with Shilo.

Early this morning, when we were awakened by Stitch at 8, I told Shilo about the hot tub and shampoo, and then, in the afternoon while we were shopping, I told him about the actual hot tub discussion concerning Alpha, Beta, and Omega, and Shilo agreed that it was happening. We agreed that, whether or not he liked it, Sherman would eventually fill one of those roles if he stayed around long enough. I get the idea that Shilo is feeling pretty secure in his role as Alpha, so the real settling will be between Stitch and Sherman for Beta and Omega. As for me, I’m not sure on what will happen with any of them. I just know it’s something they need to settle, and it’s not my place to decide who goes where.

Also, Sherman “met” Sunshine yesterday while we were out with Shilo. Sherman decided that he likes Sunshine, and has quickly become protective of her. I feel this is a good thing, and it makes him even more “acceptable” to Stitch and Shilo. As for Sunshine, she relishes the attention. I’ll give reports on this as needed.

In the meantime, Shilo and I are attending the Kinky Campout at BOD on Saturday, so I’ll be away from the computer for a few days.