Thursday, July 17, 2014

Thursday Blues

I woke up early today, not really sure why I did, but it seems to happen quite a bit lately. Sherman was already awake also but it's not unusual for him. It just seems lately there's been so much going on, and I only get part of what's going on written down. Perhaps the reasons will be made clearer by what I've decided to share today. Let's start with Wednesday.

We (Shilo, Sherman, Stitch, and myself) had pre-planned to get together for my birthday party on early Wednesday evening. The designated place was Golden Corral because they had cotton candy and ice cream cones, and Sunshine really enjoys that stuff. Maybe that was a mistake, because she wound up hijacking my body, and I did not get to enjoy anything. I understand she also ate quite a few white chocolate covered strawberries. Evidence of that was found in the toilet this morning. I understand that perhaps this is TMI, but it's my blog and I can write what I want to.What I have not mentioned, is that Shilo and I have been hitting quite a few rough spots lately.

By rough spots, I mean that we have not been getting along very well. He has been surly, argumentative, and generally just difficult to get along with. I have put up with it without much argument because it's just easier to deal with it than to fight with him. Unfortunately, late last night I had about enough, and I told him exactly how I was feeling. Well, not exactly, but I did tell him I was not going to go to bed angry. I explained to him at that point what I was angry about at that moment. I also decided I was going to sleep with Stitch instead of Shilo simply because I was so very frustrated with him. My state of mind lately  has been that if I cannot get along with you, whoever you may be, I most certainly am not about to sleep with you, especially if I have a choice in the matter.  I don't like to make those types of decisions, but sometimes I have no choice in the matter. I slept with Stitch, but he was (thankfully) oblivious to my presence.

This morning, I had a rather long discussion with Shilo after everybody left for work. Unfortunately, the discussion only succeeded in frustrating me and didn't really solve anything. Shilo doesn't seem to understand why I'm so upset, or at least it seems that way to me. He's hurting me to the core, and he does not seem to see it. I did manage to find out that he has not been taking his anti-depressants like he's supposed to. My theory is that's part of the problem but not all of it. I even went so far as to tell him if he wants to be in charge, I will willingly hand him the reins simply because I have just had enough. Instead of understanding my frustration, he simply took it as a veiled threat.

This is my life, this is my frustrations. I'd like to say everything was peachy keen or hunky dory but I would be completely lying. Can't lie forever, especially not to myself. I guess I could actually say that at least things are out in the open now, but it doesn't feel any better. I got so frustrated I just ended the conversation without really solving anything. I just wish he understood. I'm sure he will eventually read this anyway. There's no doubt in my mind he will get angry about it too but I really don't care anymore because he's always angry anyway. Please don't take this as me not Loving him, because I Love him with all my heart. If I didn't Love him I wouldn't put up with this. My hope is that things will improve soon. One can always hope. It's time for me to get my Thursday afternoon started, so I will quit here.

2 comments:

  1. Roleplay: I am the BLog Genie. I go around reading blogs, and those I read that contain wishes or desires within them, I grant the wishes.
    So here I am, ready to grant you a wish based on what you have written.
    You speak of your frustrations, and things unsolved.
    So, spell it out and I will fix it.
    What is it you desire?

    ReplyDelete
  2. My desire is that Shilo gets off his high horse and realizes that he is not the only person that matters in this relationship. Yes, he is Alpha, and very intelligent, but every person in this household is superior to the others in one way or another. Stubbornness is not an endearing quality. I'd like to see more kindness and gentleness. The desire to serve is gone. I wonder where it went.

    I've dealt with too many other assholes over the years, and I really don't want or need another one. I don't feel Loved or desired by him. It's almost like I'm just a warm body to sleep with at night. He used to smother me with affection, grabbing my hand, hugging me until I had to ask for him to let go. Then there was that look in his eyes. He admired me. Anyone could see that I was his world. Now, not so much. Plenty of tomes I feel like he could take me or leave me. Mostly leave me.

    It's like I don't matter, and I'm confused. He's been less than honest with me about things, and I almost feel like I can't trust him. He doesn't talk to me.. The worst part is that I've begun to care less and less about it. I have options. It's not a threat. It's just the truth. I find myself crying more often about this. More than I do about my mom, and the pain I feel is more too. This isn't everything, but I don't want to be greedy. There are moments that are brief when I get these things, but it's mostly forced on his part. I want my husband back. Thank you for asking me.

    ReplyDelete