A Confession/explanation From the Heart

This isn't easy for me. I like being in control and having a choice, but I really have no choice right now, because of a lack of options. I don't want to look selfish, or like I'm complaining, so even opening up to write this is bringing me discomfort, and I practically hate myself for opening up, but it's not good for me to hide my feelings whether they are good or bad. This has to come out.

Shilo has not felt well for months now, and all the trying in the world hasn't fixed it. To say it's affected our relationship is an understatement. We've given up all the things that brought us joy. I miss it, and I miss it so bad it hurts. It's not his fault, it's not my fault, it just is... It's been suggested, and I've considered finding someone who can and will do those things. I've smiled, nodded my head, and pretty much ignored it, because no matter how I've tried, I know that Shilo is the only one I want. This doesn't make me any less polyamorous, or any more monogamous, it just makes me me. It also makes me unhappy, because I can't have the one person I want the way that I want him, and I know in my heart that anyone would be a poor substitute. I guess I could try or even pretend, but it's not one of my strong points, and I'm so much into honesty that lying to myself about it won't work. I miss my husband, my BDSM slave, whatever you want to call it. I miss the man I married, and nobody else will do. I have desires, and only he can fulfill them, but he can't, because he's not well. I can not/will not make him do things that he's unable/unwilling to do. (I hear him in my head saying "You just try.") Anyway, this in itself is enough to make me feel miserable, and I wish it was only that, but it isn't.


We have been slowly running out of money, and now it's to the point that only the mortgage and utilities are getting paid, with very little left for groceries. It adds to our stress level. Shilo took on a second job, and I'm not sure if it's helping or hurting us. Luxuries are quickly becoming a thing of the past. Stitch has offered to get a second job, but I keep telling him no, because he's away from home 12 hours day, 5 days a week as it is. Tallship/Sherman was supposed to be contributing time and money to the Household, but that's a joke, and we've given him till Friday (the 17th) to move out. I/we cannot afford dead weight anymore. I said I'd help, I never said I'd be his sugar momma. I did learn a lesson from all this, but it wasn't a good one. I mean, I've grown to despise him. I never saw that one coming, either.


But wait! There's more!


My Mother-in-law (Shilo's mother) was recently in the hospital for dehydration due to constant vomiting. After a bunch of testing, it was determined that she has numerous 'tumors' including one on the base of her brain. She will be getting radiation for all this. I know my Father-in-law is heartbroken. I'm doing my best to keep it together, but this is hurting so badly. My mom's sudden unexpected death caused me so much pain, and remember how happy I was to have a Mother-in-law when I married Shilo. Family is so important to me, and his family eased my pain. I forgot that we all have a limited time here on earth, but her illness has brought it to the forefront of my mind. 


See? All this has everything and nothing to do with me. I mean, it's about them, it's about us, it's about me, and I begin to think how very selfish I am for wanting anything when all this shit is going on. Still... I do want things. Tiny things. I want to feel centered. This chaos is pushing me to the edge. Shilo used to center me, but he hasn't lately, and I just can't find it anymore. All this pain. I need a respite from all of it. It's such a little thing, and a big thing at the same time. I resent having to ask for affection. I don't feel desired or desirable, and I really try so hard to not let it bother me, but it does. I hate myself for wanting. I do! Even as I put these words here, I think that I'm likely to get an angry response, and I probably deserve it, but holding all this in isn't good or healthy. I think I'll go take a nap or something.