Numbered, but in no particular order of importance...
1. I seem to be incapable of staying angry or upset, or even hold a grudge for very long. I "blame" it on my belief system. Forgiving (but not forgetting) is how I handle most things. Sure, I need a "cooling off" period where I will cut off all communication so I can heal, but once that's over, I can allow that person into my life in small doses, but I rarely, if ever, invite them back. I also treat them with caution so I don't get hurt again. I don't believe in blaming a person, even if they did something wrong, choosing instead to start over.
My only exception is my oldest, who I cut off a year ago in hopes that he would straighten out his life. (tough love) I purposely avoid speaking to him.
2. I've really enjoyed my time of self-reflection, and I'm happy to share that I really believe my decision to focus on current friendships/relationships instead of looking for something new was a great idea. I still haven't gotten to all of my tertiaries (people I rarely see, but love with all my heart) but I'm working on it. The best thing has come out of this decision... I've discovered how much I really love and care for someone, and it really makes me feel good, because I wasn't looking for it at all. It has truly surprised me on a very good way, because it was so unlikely. I want this (and really all) my relationships to form without pressure.
3. I'm learning more about myself, and probably the best thing I learned is that even though I'm polyamorous (I'm capable of loving more than one person) and pansexual (I'm attracted to the person, not the gender) I'm also demisexual. (I have to love the person and feel attached before I can even think of being sexual with them) It's really put things into focus for me, and suddenly everything makes sense. Understanding my attachments and why they are the way they are means I will have better control in the future in the sense that I can avoid bad relationship habits.
4. As a result of all of the above, I've had some intense "conversations" with Shilo, and I'm hoping that it will result in better communication with him. If nothing else, at least I know what questions to ask when he turns quiet and how to better solve our problems. Also, before anyone comes at me to say they never have problems, I call bullshit. In any healthy relationship, there are times when one will disagree with the other person. That's when talking about feelings comes in handy. If I've learned anything, it's that just because I'm the one with the authority, it doesn't mean I should arbitrarily decide on something without consulting with the rest of the Household. Changes are much easier if everyone is on board in advance. Avoiding a mutiny is always a wise idea.
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Saturday, March 17, 2018
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Processing (12-28-2017)
Don’t mind me. I’m just sitting here at my desk thinking
about recent events. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about things,
only…
Well, only in this particular case, there are others who have asked
about my feelings, and even some who are concerned enough to want to
reassure me. Between you, (the reader) me, and the lamppost, I’m glad
for the reassurances even though I don’t need them. It proves to me that
I really am cared for, and that my feelings
(mostly positive, as opposed to negative, but undecided) matter. Having
my feelings matter is important, and a very big thing for me.
I won’t lie: Yesterday, there was a (very) brief moment where a voice told me that I didn’t have a choice in the matter, and that might be true in a way, but what it didn’t say (and never says) is that I’m not any less important just because of the changes. I know where I stand. I know my place, I know my history, and I recognize my importance. What makes all this (my feelings and the events) funny is that I’ve had this conversation with both Stitch and Shilo at one point or another, regarding them and their status with me. The tables have turned a bit. The only difference is that I’m not left wondering why I can’t be “enough” because I know that reason. I have also known for a long time that something like this was going to happen eventually.
“Just coffee, “Just a meeting,” “Just a play date,” “Maybe a sub,” “WOW!” I’m familiar with those phrases. I’m also familiar with “How do you feel about,” “Do you like,” and “I’m thinking about.” I’ve always voiced my opinion since my meltdown in June of this year. It was very “unlike me” to do that, but I was also taken seriously because I’ve never done that before, and I probably will never do it again. It was that meltdown that opened the door to the phrases I mentioned earlier in this paragraph.
A few weeks ago, I was given the “How do you feel about” in reference to more than one person for various reasons. I replied positively about most, but I also expressed some unease about a situation and gave various reasons why, including that I hate to see or hear about someone I love getting disappointed by something or someone. I have reserved the right to say “I told you so” in those matters, but instead I usually get “You were right” and that makes me feel good.
I’m glad I wrote about this. I feel more clear-headed about things now. If someone were to ask me about my feelings, I’d say that I’m okay. I don’t want or need reassurances right now, but if that changes, I promise I’ll say something.
I won’t lie: Yesterday, there was a (very) brief moment where a voice told me that I didn’t have a choice in the matter, and that might be true in a way, but what it didn’t say (and never says) is that I’m not any less important just because of the changes. I know where I stand. I know my place, I know my history, and I recognize my importance. What makes all this (my feelings and the events) funny is that I’ve had this conversation with both Stitch and Shilo at one point or another, regarding them and their status with me. The tables have turned a bit. The only difference is that I’m not left wondering why I can’t be “enough” because I know that reason. I have also known for a long time that something like this was going to happen eventually.
“Just coffee, “Just a meeting,” “Just a play date,” “Maybe a sub,” “WOW!” I’m familiar with those phrases. I’m also familiar with “How do you feel about,” “Do you like,” and “I’m thinking about.” I’ve always voiced my opinion since my meltdown in June of this year. It was very “unlike me” to do that, but I was also taken seriously because I’ve never done that before, and I probably will never do it again. It was that meltdown that opened the door to the phrases I mentioned earlier in this paragraph.
A few weeks ago, I was given the “How do you feel about” in reference to more than one person for various reasons. I replied positively about most, but I also expressed some unease about a situation and gave various reasons why, including that I hate to see or hear about someone I love getting disappointed by something or someone. I have reserved the right to say “I told you so” in those matters, but instead I usually get “You were right” and that makes me feel good.
I’m glad I wrote about this. I feel more clear-headed about things now. If someone were to ask me about my feelings, I’d say that I’m okay. I don’t want or need reassurances right now, but if that changes, I promise I’ll say something.
Sunday, September 3, 2017
Music To My Ears
HIM: ::smiling at me:: I'd really love to have sex with you right now, but it's too damn hot.
ME: ::melts::
Knowing I'm desired and desirable is one thing, but actually hearing those words really sends it home to me.
And, yes, it's TOO DAMN HOT!!!
ME: ::melts::
Knowing I'm desired and desirable is one thing, but actually hearing those words really sends it home to me.
And, yes, it's TOO DAMN HOT!!!
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Sex Talk (A Continuation of Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night)
If you're confused, please read the following first:
https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/gangbangs-and-other-things-that-go-bump.html
So, are we all caught up now? Good!!!
When I wrote "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night" it was my way of mentally processing everything that had been discussed, and also to make it clear that my experience, while vast to some, was barely scratching the surface, and that I wanted to admit my ignorance in some areas of the sexual realm. I also wanted to share that I'm not perfect, and I had misjudged some sexual practices out of ignorance and preconceived notions. I'm not into using 'slut shaming' for my brothers, sisters and others who enjoy tasting out of the more hedonistic menu. I even admitted that I had tasted out of the more hedonistic menu at times, but I had resisted some things, based solely on the name of those items without actually trying them. I admitted to stopping keeping count of sexual partners from my past. Not necessarily out of shame, but more from realizing how inconsequential many of them had been. I know how many people Shilo has been with (about 5) and how many women Stitch has been with (I'm #3) I believe my Boyfriend has been with several inconsequential people as well, and I don't care about the number. To me, the only one who "counts" is the woman I consider to be his Primary. Yes, I know about the ex-wife and etc. but please allow me my peace of mind. Anyway, I admit to having many NSA relationships when I was younger.
When I began dating Stitch in 2004, I was damaged from a recent crime that put me into full-blown PTSD and I was afraid of my own shadow. It unfortunately wasn't my first experience, and PTSD really can suck the life and joy out of you. He was slow and patient with me. I told him about my submissive and explained that my BDSM practices had nothing to do with sex. We made an agreement on my Polyamory that was my idea and stuck to it. Yes, we've altered it over the years to include certain others like Shilo and the Boyfriend (The Boyfriend really does deserve a better Title, doesn't he?) but the basics are still there regarding how I go about adding others, meeting Stitch (and now Shilo as well) and my purposely complicated approval process for sexual partners that I made up for my emotional protection. Just under our 2 year dating mark, the Boyfriend told me he wanted to jump through those hoops. I admire him for his perseverance. Did I mention that his Primary was the one who encouraged him to do so? She's a real gem, and I'm happy to have her in my life.
NSA sex (intercourse) with men was a part of my long ago past, but that was long ago. I officially kissed it goodbye when I made that agreement with Stitch, although it had been a long while since I actually did it by the time I was dating Stitch. In fact, I dated him for 10 months before we actually "did the deed." Like I wrote above, I was damaged. I think that we're all caught up now.
So in the early morning hours of Tuesday, February 7th, I completed my blog "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night." I had a snack, and since Shilo works modified graves, I called him at work to tell him I had written something and that I wanted feedback. He surprised me by telling me that he had already finished reading it. I started to ask him how he felt about it, completely forgetting that he wasn't alone. We agreed to discuss it in the morning when he came home, and we discussed it for what felt like a long time, and he finally stopped me by telling me his views on me and sex. Below is the "Reader's Digest" Edition:
It blew my mind. I had been so totally worried about this, my head all tied up in knots over what I thought his reaction would be, and instead he wound up reassuring me. That didn't last very long though, because the sneaky asshole (and I mean it in the nicest way possible) decided to talk to Stitch about it while driving him home in the afternoon without even asking or informing me of his intentions. In other words, I was ambushed!!! I was not pleased! Yes, I know that if Shilo hadn't done this, it would have just sat in the back of my mind. Shilo can be a real instigator, much like a yappy dog nipping at my ankles. He gets things done, whether I like it or not.
I glowered at Shilo knowing that I was going to be giving him what was as of that moment, a well-deserved spanking before he left for work. No doubt he will argue whether or not it was deserved, but he got it anyway.
Shilo decided to go back to bed so I could talk to Stitch, who was teasing me mercilessly over this thing, and I was totally unprepared. I decided that the best thing I could do was show him the blog entry so he could read it and then ask questions.That's not what happened. Instead, he told me he was okay with it. I stopped him and told him he has no say in it. What??? No say???!!! Why???
Why would Shilo have a say in this and not Stitch? I told Stitch he unknowingly gave up his right when he decided at his 60th Birthday nearly 2 years ago to stop all sexual contact with me.
This is where the healing comes into play. I know what I told Stitch was cruel and unfeeling, but he needed to know what I felt. He rejected me. He treated me like I was no longer the woman he desired. Love is wonderful, yes, but merely telling me that he Loves me isn't enough. He's not impotent. He just stopped approaching me for sex. I'm a woman, I want to feel desired. I need to feel desirable. It was like he was throwing me to the wolves. Until my relationship with Stitch is on track, I cannot in good conscience engage in intercourse with other men, especially in an NSA way. I reminded him that he will probably statistically live another 20 years, and then I asked him if he wanted to spend it with me. I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it.
This isn't about sex at all. It's about Love and Respect for your Partner. It's about communication. It's not a complaint, it's a knock upside his head. A taste of reality. He/We need to work on our fucked-up relationship. He has to make an effort. Otherwise I will only be filled with guilt. I place value on my relationships. I haven't given him a deadline. I know I can't "force" him to do something he doesn't want to do, but my sincere hope is that he really Loves me and truly desires me. I promised him years ago that I'd never leave him and that I would always take care of him as long as I was alive. I told Shilo that before we got emotionally involved. Shilo accepted Stitch, Stitch accepted Shilo. Now it's time for Stitch to make that commitment to me.
Does this mean that I will never have sex with Shilo or the Boyfriend? I didn't say that. Those relationships are established. There's no need for them to be adjusted. Does this mean I won't start another intimate relationship with a male out of my extended polycule? Pretty much! Does this mean that I'll never experience a gangbang? I don't know. A whole bunch of that depends on what Stitch decides to do. Besides, right this moment, it's in the thinking stage. Even if things were perfect, it may or may not happen.
Slow tiny baby steps.
So, are we all caught up now? Good!!!
When I wrote "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night" it was my way of mentally processing everything that had been discussed, and also to make it clear that my experience, while vast to some, was barely scratching the surface, and that I wanted to admit my ignorance in some areas of the sexual realm. I also wanted to share that I'm not perfect, and I had misjudged some sexual practices out of ignorance and preconceived notions. I'm not into using 'slut shaming' for my brothers, sisters and others who enjoy tasting out of the more hedonistic menu. I even admitted that I had tasted out of the more hedonistic menu at times, but I had resisted some things, based solely on the name of those items without actually trying them. I admitted to stopping keeping count of sexual partners from my past. Not necessarily out of shame, but more from realizing how inconsequential many of them had been. I know how many people Shilo has been with (about 5) and how many women Stitch has been with (I'm #3) I believe my Boyfriend has been with several inconsequential people as well, and I don't care about the number. To me, the only one who "counts" is the woman I consider to be his Primary. Yes, I know about the ex-wife and etc. but please allow me my peace of mind. Anyway, I admit to having many NSA relationships when I was younger.
When I began dating Stitch in 2004, I was damaged from a recent crime that put me into full-blown PTSD and I was afraid of my own shadow. It unfortunately wasn't my first experience, and PTSD really can suck the life and joy out of you. He was slow and patient with me. I told him about my submissive and explained that my BDSM practices had nothing to do with sex. We made an agreement on my Polyamory that was my idea and stuck to it. Yes, we've altered it over the years to include certain others like Shilo and the Boyfriend (The Boyfriend really does deserve a better Title, doesn't he?) but the basics are still there regarding how I go about adding others, meeting Stitch (and now Shilo as well) and my purposely complicated approval process for sexual partners that I made up for my emotional protection. Just under our 2 year dating mark, the Boyfriend told me he wanted to jump through those hoops. I admire him for his perseverance. Did I mention that his Primary was the one who encouraged him to do so? She's a real gem, and I'm happy to have her in my life.
NSA sex (intercourse) with men was a part of my long ago past, but that was long ago. I officially kissed it goodbye when I made that agreement with Stitch, although it had been a long while since I actually did it by the time I was dating Stitch. In fact, I dated him for 10 months before we actually "did the deed." Like I wrote above, I was damaged. I think that we're all caught up now.
So in the early morning hours of Tuesday, February 7th, I completed my blog "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night." I had a snack, and since Shilo works modified graves, I called him at work to tell him I had written something and that I wanted feedback. He surprised me by telling me that he had already finished reading it. I started to ask him how he felt about it, completely forgetting that he wasn't alone. We agreed to discuss it in the morning when he came home, and we discussed it for what felt like a long time, and he finally stopped me by telling me his views on me and sex. Below is the "Reader's Digest" Edition:
I Love you. I know you Love me. I know nothing will change that, and as long as you come home to me and Stitch, I'll be happy. I'm secure in our relationship, and I know that nothing will change that. Sex is just sex.
It blew my mind. I had been so totally worried about this, my head all tied up in knots over what I thought his reaction would be, and instead he wound up reassuring me. That didn't last very long though, because the sneaky asshole (and I mean it in the nicest way possible) decided to talk to Stitch about it while driving him home in the afternoon without even asking or informing me of his intentions. In other words, I was ambushed!!! I was not pleased! Yes, I know that if Shilo hadn't done this, it would have just sat in the back of my mind. Shilo can be a real instigator, much like a yappy dog nipping at my ankles. He gets things done, whether I like it or not.
I glowered at Shilo knowing that I was going to be giving him what was as of that moment, a well-deserved spanking before he left for work. No doubt he will argue whether or not it was deserved, but he got it anyway.
Shilo decided to go back to bed so I could talk to Stitch, who was teasing me mercilessly over this thing, and I was totally unprepared. I decided that the best thing I could do was show him the blog entry so he could read it and then ask questions.That's not what happened. Instead, he told me he was okay with it. I stopped him and told him he has no say in it. What??? No say???!!! Why???
Why would Shilo have a say in this and not Stitch? I told Stitch he unknowingly gave up his right when he decided at his 60th Birthday nearly 2 years ago to stop all sexual contact with me.
This is where the healing comes into play. I know what I told Stitch was cruel and unfeeling, but he needed to know what I felt. He rejected me. He treated me like I was no longer the woman he desired. Love is wonderful, yes, but merely telling me that he Loves me isn't enough. He's not impotent. He just stopped approaching me for sex. I'm a woman, I want to feel desired. I need to feel desirable. It was like he was throwing me to the wolves. Until my relationship with Stitch is on track, I cannot in good conscience engage in intercourse with other men, especially in an NSA way. I reminded him that he will probably statistically live another 20 years, and then I asked him if he wanted to spend it with me. I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it.
This isn't about sex at all. It's about Love and Respect for your Partner. It's about communication. It's not a complaint, it's a knock upside his head. A taste of reality. He/We need to work on our fucked-up relationship. He has to make an effort. Otherwise I will only be filled with guilt. I place value on my relationships. I haven't given him a deadline. I know I can't "force" him to do something he doesn't want to do, but my sincere hope is that he really Loves me and truly desires me. I promised him years ago that I'd never leave him and that I would always take care of him as long as I was alive. I told Shilo that before we got emotionally involved. Shilo accepted Stitch, Stitch accepted Shilo. Now it's time for Stitch to make that commitment to me.
Does this mean that I will never have sex with Shilo or the Boyfriend? I didn't say that. Those relationships are established. There's no need for them to be adjusted. Does this mean I won't start another intimate relationship with a male out of my extended polycule? Pretty much! Does this mean that I'll never experience a gangbang? I don't know. A whole bunch of that depends on what Stitch decides to do. Besides, right this moment, it's in the thinking stage. Even if things were perfect, it may or may not happen.
Slow tiny baby steps.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night
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Monday, August 17, 2015
Awake On a Hot Summer Night
I'm laying in bed alone and I can't sleep and all I can think about is how much I long for his touch. Unfortunately for me, he is at work some 25 miles away. This means I'm suffering with no relief in sight. Masturbation is an exercise in futility for me, so I'm stuck laying here just fantasizing about what I want, and knowing I'm not going to get it anytime soon.
Shilo is not only miles away physically, but many many miles away mentally from me. We had a disagreement several days ago, and I'm not sure if he's still quietly stewing, or if he feels like I do. Full of desire, and ready for anything. I feel like lately he's just been looking for an excuse to avoid me by arguing or finding something inconsequential to be angry about. It makes me sad that I'm unable to solve this, and pretending that it doesn't hurt because I don't want to react in anger. I keep saying that I want my husband back, but it's almost like I'm speaking a foreign language that he doesn't understand.
I try to convince myself that this is a temporary situation, but I feel like I'm lying to myself so I don't fall apart. I mean, I can only try so hard before I give up and admit defeat. He says he Loves me, but this sure doesn't feel like it. I feel unwanted, and it really suhus. This isn't about sex, it's about tenderness and showing Love. I admit that I want sex at this moment, but that feeling is temporary. The desire to feel Loved is what will stay, and what is really missing. The emptiness and loneliness is unbearable.
How can I write a note of Love and desire when I'm so empty? How can I want when I'm surrounded by people who care? I don't have those answers. I just know my desire isy husband and no one else will do.
Shilo is not only miles away physically, but many many miles away mentally from me. We had a disagreement several days ago, and I'm not sure if he's still quietly stewing, or if he feels like I do. Full of desire, and ready for anything. I feel like lately he's just been looking for an excuse to avoid me by arguing or finding something inconsequential to be angry about. It makes me sad that I'm unable to solve this, and pretending that it doesn't hurt because I don't want to react in anger. I keep saying that I want my husband back, but it's almost like I'm speaking a foreign language that he doesn't understand.
I try to convince myself that this is a temporary situation, but I feel like I'm lying to myself so I don't fall apart. I mean, I can only try so hard before I give up and admit defeat. He says he Loves me, but this sure doesn't feel like it. I feel unwanted, and it really suhus. This isn't about sex, it's about tenderness and showing Love. I admit that I want sex at this moment, but that feeling is temporary. The desire to feel Loved is what will stay, and what is really missing. The emptiness and loneliness is unbearable.
How can I write a note of Love and desire when I'm so empty? How can I want when I'm surrounded by people who care? I don't have those answers. I just know my desire isy husband and no one else will do.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
The Envelope Please...
A few days ago, I made an offhand comment about using an envelope with an activity inside for those occasional Tuesday mornings when I'm awake and in a good mood, and Shilo is feeling energetic enough for some "fun" activity.
Much to my chagrin, and Shilo's (no doubt) lack of surprise, it's about 3AM on Tuesday and still no envelopes in sight. I fell asleep on the chair in the living room, and nothing got done. I should mention that Shilo is probably unaware that I loaded the dishwasher while he slept on Monday afternoon. I'm not seeking 'brownie points' by any means, I'm more interested in rocking his world a little.
Shilo has been locked in chastity for 8 days now (Actually 7 days 10 1/2 hours, but who's counting? Oh yeah! He is!) and I'm pretty sure that when the device went on, he didn't expect it to be on for such a long amount of time. I suffer along with him. I mean, no intercourse for him, means no intercourse with him for me, and I happen to enjoy intercourse with him, so I do 'suffer.'
The tease and denial for him has been horribly cruel, with him removing the device, showering, providing me with a few orgasms via oral stimulation, and allowing him to enter me, thrust for maybe a minute or so (7 thrusts the first day, 15 the next. Yeah, I count) and then re-locking him. I cannot begin to tell you how torturous it's been for me, and I'm sure he feels the same.
Sooo... the (nonexistent) envelopes: I have no time or patience to do them now, but a quick preview should he happen to see this is as follows:
1. Triple treat for me while restrained (or not) until I pass out. This will require a slow build up, backing off, and building back up again. Not an easy task, but I know he's up for it.
2. Shilo unlocking and showering, giving WMS short of an orgasm if possible (I won't stop him, he'll have to stop on his own.) If he manages without an orgasm, he won't get "charged" with time off from chastity for doing so. if he fails, and has an orgasm, I will add up to another week in chastity for him at my discretion. If he has a 'ruined orgasm,' I will roll a die. Odd: no additional days, Even: Same as if he had a regular orgasm. He will not be told the result.
3. Shilo unlocking and showering, and me orally pleasuring him for 5-10 minutes. (This doesn't usually result in an orgasm for him)
4. Shilo unlocking and showering, and then masturbating while I watch him. Same rules as #2 above if he reaches orgasm.
5. Shilo unlocking and showering, and I hand him a die. if he rolls odd, he can choose from any of the above (more to be added later) If he rolls even, he locks back up and gives me my regular "Daily O."
So, there it is: The treats, without the envelopes.
The only thing I neglected to mention here is that I will know which option is available on any given week, and he will have the choice of taking the activity or not without knowing which one is offered. Also, after agreeing to the unknown activity, he will roll a die. If it's 1-3, the activity will not happen, if he rolls 4-6, the activity will happen. This way, I also get a little build-up as well.
Goodnight! I'm off to bed!
Much to my chagrin, and Shilo's (no doubt) lack of surprise, it's about 3AM on Tuesday and still no envelopes in sight. I fell asleep on the chair in the living room, and nothing got done. I should mention that Shilo is probably unaware that I loaded the dishwasher while he slept on Monday afternoon. I'm not seeking 'brownie points' by any means, I'm more interested in rocking his world a little.
Shilo has been locked in chastity for 8 days now (Actually 7 days 10 1/2 hours, but who's counting? Oh yeah! He is!) and I'm pretty sure that when the device went on, he didn't expect it to be on for such a long amount of time. I suffer along with him. I mean, no intercourse for him, means no intercourse with him for me, and I happen to enjoy intercourse with him, so I do 'suffer.'
The tease and denial for him has been horribly cruel, with him removing the device, showering, providing me with a few orgasms via oral stimulation, and allowing him to enter me, thrust for maybe a minute or so (7 thrusts the first day, 15 the next. Yeah, I count) and then re-locking him. I cannot begin to tell you how torturous it's been for me, and I'm sure he feels the same.
Sooo... the (nonexistent) envelopes: I have no time or patience to do them now, but a quick preview should he happen to see this is as follows:
1. Triple treat for me while restrained (or not) until I pass out. This will require a slow build up, backing off, and building back up again. Not an easy task, but I know he's up for it.
2. Shilo unlocking and showering, giving WMS short of an orgasm if possible (I won't stop him, he'll have to stop on his own.) If he manages without an orgasm, he won't get "charged" with time off from chastity for doing so. if he fails, and has an orgasm, I will add up to another week in chastity for him at my discretion. If he has a 'ruined orgasm,' I will roll a die. Odd: no additional days, Even: Same as if he had a regular orgasm. He will not be told the result.
3. Shilo unlocking and showering, and me orally pleasuring him for 5-10 minutes. (This doesn't usually result in an orgasm for him)
4. Shilo unlocking and showering, and then masturbating while I watch him. Same rules as #2 above if he reaches orgasm.
5. Shilo unlocking and showering, and I hand him a die. if he rolls odd, he can choose from any of the above (more to be added later) If he rolls even, he locks back up and gives me my regular "Daily O."
So, there it is: The treats, without the envelopes.
The only thing I neglected to mention here is that I will know which option is available on any given week, and he will have the choice of taking the activity or not without knowing which one is offered. Also, after agreeing to the unknown activity, he will roll a die. If it's 1-3, the activity will not happen, if he rolls 4-6, the activity will happen. This way, I also get a little build-up as well.
Goodnight! I'm off to bed!
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Again With The Horses
This time, excerpts from the horse's mouth! No, not one horse, several of them. Due to the anomic aphasia, some words might be eliminated or changed, but I will strive to keep the meaning the same.
Name of horse:Child #4 (Babyman)
What was said: "Dad called and said he's not gonna challenge you and Auntie in court next week."
What it means to me: Well, I'm more than a little suspicious... What does he (Deadbeat) have in mind anyway?
Name of horse: Me (to Babyman)
What was said:"I'm going to listen to your voicemail from him."
What it means to me: Well, I couldn't believe it was really true, so I listened to it. Decided I'd call him (Deadbeat) and catch him off-guard.
Name of horse: Child #2 (Boo Bear)
What was said: "I ordered parts for my car so I can fix it all the way and get it out of your driveway."
What it means to me: Finally! After 4 months, it would be nice to not have to park our cars on the street!
Name of horse: Soft Kitty (A sub I was considering)
What was said: "If BDSM isn't sexual for you, then I can't submit to you."
What it means to me: Honestly??? Well after the whole back and forth of the past 3 weeks where he couldn't make up his mind on anything, I'm kind of relieved.
Name of horse: Me (to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "I'm the Dominant, and since you are now seeking another one, please block me so I don't have to watch."
What it means to me: Relief, Honestly, I'm relieved. It was getting to be too much work to get even a little cooperation.
Name of horse: Smartest Horse up until sometime back (needs a new name)
What was said: "I guess I didn't Love you nearly as much as you Loved me, but I do care for you."
What it means to me: OUCH!!! Well, not really... I had my suspicions. Things had been tanking fast back then, and if it hadn't ended the way it did, it would have ended for a myriad of other reasons, and the time he was in the pasture was good for me, and a little heartbreak every now and then is good.
Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'm looking forward to riding your ass."
What it means to me: Well, I am... We enjoyed our rides before, so why would this be different? Oh yeah... He's been in the pasture, and I'm in a completely different headspace. I'm a little anxious/nervous, but I'm sure the horse hasn't completely forgotten how to make me purr in delight.
Name of horse:Me (to myself)
What was said: "Must stay calm, and stop counting down."
What it means to me: well, it's a habit, and I'm understandably feeling that way. I'm afraid (scared shitless) of how we will react to each other
Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'll let you take the lead in the emotion department."
What it means to me: WTF???!!! This isn't like me at all! I'm already putting up my emotional guards.
Name of horse: Shilo
What was said: "You've got a boyfriend" (said in a sing-song voice)
What it means to me: He's teasing me in a good-natured way. It's his way of showing approval, but he doesn't want me to get hurt. I don't know how or if I should reassure him. Opening my heart means I run that risk. I will try to not obsess too much. (Too late!)
Name of horse: Babyman
What was said: "I don't worry about your relationship with Stitch anymore."
What it means to me: He's finally understanding that polyamory can work.
Name of horse: Deadbeat
What was said: "I decided to not fight you and your sister in court next week."
What it means to me: I have mixed feelings. All this has been nearly 9 months in the making, and it's taken this long because he kept fighting it. So, while I'm relieved, I'm also angry because of all the time, energy, and money spent on what could have been solved MONTHS ago!
Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: "I Love you babygirl, and I'm so glad we're alone."
What it means to me: What he's really saying is that he's glad I took Babyman home today. Having him here cramps our lifestyle. I agree 100%, but I love my time with Babyman.
Name of horse: Me (to anyone reading this)
What was said: "I Love all my children, and they mean the world to me."
What it means to me: Just what I wrote. It's just that I'm out of the closet now in most areas, but I don't feel comfortable doing more than hugging Stitch or Shilo with them around, and I most certainly can't run around the house naked with them at the house.
Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I want all the best for you, and I know you're out, so maybe things will be better for you two now."
What it means to me: I'm just really happy to have his approval and guidance.
Name of horse: Me and Horse that needs new name
What was said: "NSA is best for now."
What it means to me: I'm trying to protect my heart, and I think he is too.
Name of horse: Me (to myself)
What was said: "I can't believe all this stuff has gluten in it."
What it means to me: Exactly that, Feeding Shilo is getting more difficult, and I hate reading labels, but I know it will pay off.
Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "Maybe you wanted it too bad and rushed it and that scared him."
What it means to me:I agree, but it was his (Soft kitty's) indecisiveness that finally made me give up.
Name of horse: Baby Sister
What was said: "I'm glad he (Deadbeat) finally gave up, but I'm pissed about all the work."
What it means to me: Me too! I completely agree!
Name of horse: Neurologist
What was said: "The Specialist and I were discussing changing Babyman's meds. How do you feel?"
What it means to me: Not again! Too much work! Let's stay with this cocktail for a while.
Name of horse: Banker (I was trying to close an account AGAIN!)
What was said: (A whole series of irrelevant questions)
What it means to me: This is why I hate people. I'm too antisocial for this!
Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: What's for Dinner?
What it means to me: OOPS! Time to get off the computer!
But I have one final horse...
Name of horse: Random sub male on collarspace
What was said: "Will UB my Domme? How much do U charge?"
What it means to me: Oh Gawd NO! I'm getting sick of this!
My REAL reply: No, I'm not an elephant or a prostitute. (figure it out reader)
Okay, off to fix a gluten-free meal!
Name of horse:Child #4 (Babyman)
What was said: "Dad called and said he's not gonna challenge you and Auntie in court next week."
What it means to me: Well, I'm more than a little suspicious... What does he (Deadbeat) have in mind anyway?
Name of horse: Me (to Babyman)
What was said:"I'm going to listen to your voicemail from him."
What it means to me: Well, I couldn't believe it was really true, so I listened to it. Decided I'd call him (Deadbeat) and catch him off-guard.
Name of horse: Child #2 (Boo Bear)
What was said: "I ordered parts for my car so I can fix it all the way and get it out of your driveway."
What it means to me: Finally! After 4 months, it would be nice to not have to park our cars on the street!
Name of horse: Soft Kitty (A sub I was considering)
What was said: "If BDSM isn't sexual for you, then I can't submit to you."
What it means to me: Honestly??? Well after the whole back and forth of the past 3 weeks where he couldn't make up his mind on anything, I'm kind of relieved.
Name of horse: Me (to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "I'm the Dominant, and since you are now seeking another one, please block me so I don't have to watch."
What it means to me: Relief, Honestly, I'm relieved. It was getting to be too much work to get even a little cooperation.
Name of horse: Smartest Horse up until sometime back (needs a new name)
What was said: "I guess I didn't Love you nearly as much as you Loved me, but I do care for you."
What it means to me: OUCH!!! Well, not really... I had my suspicions. Things had been tanking fast back then, and if it hadn't ended the way it did, it would have ended for a myriad of other reasons, and the time he was in the pasture was good for me, and a little heartbreak every now and then is good.
Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'm looking forward to riding your ass."
What it means to me: Well, I am... We enjoyed our rides before, so why would this be different? Oh yeah... He's been in the pasture, and I'm in a completely different headspace. I'm a little anxious/nervous, but I'm sure the horse hasn't completely forgotten how to make me purr in delight.
Name of horse:Me (to myself)
What was said: "Must stay calm, and stop counting down."
What it means to me: well, it's a habit, and I'm understandably feeling that way. I'm afraid (scared shitless) of how we will react to each other
Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'll let you take the lead in the emotion department."
What it means to me: WTF???!!! This isn't like me at all! I'm already putting up my emotional guards.
Name of horse: Shilo
What was said: "You've got a boyfriend" (said in a sing-song voice)
What it means to me: He's teasing me in a good-natured way. It's his way of showing approval, but he doesn't want me to get hurt. I don't know how or if I should reassure him. Opening my heart means I run that risk. I will try to not obsess too much. (Too late!)
Name of horse: Babyman
What was said: "I don't worry about your relationship with Stitch anymore."
What it means to me: He's finally understanding that polyamory can work.
Name of horse: Deadbeat
What was said: "I decided to not fight you and your sister in court next week."
What it means to me: I have mixed feelings. All this has been nearly 9 months in the making, and it's taken this long because he kept fighting it. So, while I'm relieved, I'm also angry because of all the time, energy, and money spent on what could have been solved MONTHS ago!
Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: "I Love you babygirl, and I'm so glad we're alone."
What it means to me: What he's really saying is that he's glad I took Babyman home today. Having him here cramps our lifestyle. I agree 100%, but I love my time with Babyman.
Name of horse: Me (to anyone reading this)
What was said: "I Love all my children, and they mean the world to me."
What it means to me: Just what I wrote. It's just that I'm out of the closet now in most areas, but I don't feel comfortable doing more than hugging Stitch or Shilo with them around, and I most certainly can't run around the house naked with them at the house.
Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I want all the best for you, and I know you're out, so maybe things will be better for you two now."
What it means to me: I'm just really happy to have his approval and guidance.
Name of horse: Me and Horse that needs new name
What was said: "NSA is best for now."
What it means to me: I'm trying to protect my heart, and I think he is too.
Name of horse: Me (to myself)
What was said: "I can't believe all this stuff has gluten in it."
What it means to me: Exactly that, Feeding Shilo is getting more difficult, and I hate reading labels, but I know it will pay off.
Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "Maybe you wanted it too bad and rushed it and that scared him."
What it means to me:I agree, but it was his (Soft kitty's) indecisiveness that finally made me give up.
Name of horse: Baby Sister
What was said: "I'm glad he (Deadbeat) finally gave up, but I'm pissed about all the work."
What it means to me: Me too! I completely agree!
Name of horse: Neurologist
What was said: "The Specialist and I were discussing changing Babyman's meds. How do you feel?"
What it means to me: Not again! Too much work! Let's stay with this cocktail for a while.
Name of horse: Banker (I was trying to close an account AGAIN!)
What was said: (A whole series of irrelevant questions)
What it means to me: This is why I hate people. I'm too antisocial for this!
Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: What's for Dinner?
What it means to me: OOPS! Time to get off the computer!
But I have one final horse...
Name of horse: Random sub male on collarspace
What was said: "Will UB my Domme? How much do U charge?"
What it means to me: Oh Gawd NO! I'm getting sick of this!
My REAL reply: No, I'm not an elephant or a prostitute. (figure it out reader)
Okay, off to fix a gluten-free meal!
Monday, April 13, 2015
A Confession/explanation From the Heart
This
isn't easy for me. I like being in control and having a choice, but I
really have no choice right now, because of a lack of options. I
don't want to look selfish, or like I'm complaining, so even opening
up to write this is bringing me discomfort, and I practically hate
myself for opening up, but it's not good for me to hide my feelings
whether they are good or bad. This has to come out.
Shilo has not felt well for months now, and all the trying in the world hasn't fixed it. To say it's affected our relationship is an understatement. We've given up all the things that brought us joy. I miss it, and I miss it so bad it hurts. It's not his fault, it's not my fault, it just is... It's been suggested, and I've considered finding someone who can and will do those things. I've smiled, nodded my head, and pretty much ignored it, because no matter how I've tried, I know that Shilo is the only one I want. This doesn't make me any less polyamorous, or any more monogamous, it just makes me me. It also makes me unhappy, because I can't have the one person I want the way that I want him, and I know in my heart that anyone would be a poor substitute. I guess I could try or even pretend, but it's not one of my strong points, and I'm so much into honesty that lying to myself about it won't work. I miss my husband, my BDSM slave, whatever you want to call it. I miss the man I married, and nobody else will do. I have desires, and only he can fulfill them, but he can't, because he's not well. I can not/will not make him do things that he's unable/unwilling to do. (I hear him in my head saying "You just try.") Anyway, this in itself is enough to make me feel miserable, and I wish it was only that, but it isn't.
We have been slowly running out of money, and now it's to the point that only the mortgage and utilities are getting paid, with very little left for groceries. It adds to our stress level. Shilo took on a second job, and I'm not sure if it's helping or hurting us. Luxuries are quickly becoming a thing of the past. Stitch has offered to get a second job, but I keep telling him no, because he's away from home 12 hours day, 5 days a week as it is. Tallship/Sherman was supposed to be contributing time and money to the Household, but that's a joke, and we've given him till Friday (the 17th) to move out. I/we cannot afford dead weight anymore. I said I'd help, I never said I'd be his sugar momma. I did learn a lesson from all this, but it wasn't a good one. I mean, I've grown to despise him. I never saw that one coming, either.
But wait! There's more!
My Mother-in-law (Shilo's mother) was recently in the hospital for dehydration due to constant vomiting. After a bunch of testing, it was determined that she has numerous 'tumors' including one on the base of her brain. She will be getting radiation for all this. I know my Father-in-law is heartbroken. I'm doing my best to keep it together, but this is hurting so badly. My mom's sudden unexpected death caused me so much pain, and remember how happy I was to have a Mother-in-law when I married Shilo. Family is so important to me, and his family eased my pain. I forgot that we all have a limited time here on earth, but her illness has brought it to the forefront of my mind.
See? All this has everything and nothing to do with me. I mean, it's about them, it's about us, it's about me, and I begin to think how very selfish I am for wanting anything when all this shit is going on. Still... I do want things. Tiny things. I want to feel centered. This chaos is pushing me to the edge. Shilo used to center me, but he hasn't lately, and I just can't find it anymore. All this pain. I need a respite from all of it. It's such a little thing, and a big thing at the same time. I resent having to ask for affection. I don't feel desired or desirable, and I really try so hard to not let it bother me, but it does. I hate myself for wanting. I do! Even as I put these words here, I think that I'm likely to get an angry response, and I probably deserve it, but holding all this in isn't good or healthy. I think I'll go take a nap or something.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Sick Still
In about 10 hours, it will be a week since I saw my doctor and was informed that this "plague" I'm suffering from isn't the flu. Call it what you want, it's made me miserable, and other than the several times daily cleanup with baby wipes, it's been a week since I've showered, Yeah, I feel disgusting. I don't know how either Shilo or Stitch can stand being near me. Must be Love.
So, anyway, people ask me about my relationship with Shilo. I do my best to explain, but, unless you're living it, it's not easy to explain in a simple way. I've Loved Stitch for over 10 years now. He's my partner-in-crime, my very special, much-loved ex-husband. People forget that before Shilo, there was Stitch. Stitch who made the adjustments, Stitch who had to learn to share me. I'm not saying Shilo has had it easy, but the adjustments, in regards to me, has been minimal. Shilo met Stitch, knowing that Stitch is/was a part of me. There was short period of time, after Shilo and I got engaged that caused some confusion on Shilo's part, but fortunately, it was short-lived.
There was some 'posturing' and competition until it was explained that there is no real competition. Stitch has his place, Shilo has his, and neither one can replace the other. Stitch is not a masochist, nor is he submissive, and, while Shilo is very protective of Sunshine, he's not her Daddy, and Stitch fills that role nicely. There's other things that Stitch does too, but it's not relevant to the subject.
Since Shilo and I got married, we've managed to get along well. This isn't to say there haven't been disagreements, but we've managed to talk things out. The source of most of our disagreements stems from tallship, and he's got a deadline to move out.
I've dated a few times since Shilo and I got married, but nothing serious, and since I have rules in place for dating someone new, I'm not too likely to get sexually involved with another man or woman anytime soon. Yes, it has now been well over a month since I've engaged in intercourse with either Shilo or Stitch, but, as a rule, I'm sexually satisfied. I doubt very seriously that anyone could make me feel as wonderful as they do, and I'm not going to go looking just to satisfy a temporary need.
I'm very much in Love with Shilo and Stitch, and I don't want anyone else. How many people do you know that can honestly say that? The best part (for me) is that there's no hiding anything. I can hold each one's hand, hug them and kiss them in front of the other, and say "I Love you" without any fear. There's no awkwardness when we're in the same bed together. There was some awkwardness the first night I slept with Shilo, but only because I'd never done that before. By sleeping, I mean sleeping, not sex.
This brings me to my final point: While I never hide my Love for either of them, I also don't parade one in front of the other. I don't have sex with one in front of the other, and I am very private about it when it happens. I try to have sex while the other is away or out of earshot.
Any questions?
So, anyway, people ask me about my relationship with Shilo. I do my best to explain, but, unless you're living it, it's not easy to explain in a simple way. I've Loved Stitch for over 10 years now. He's my partner-in-crime, my very special, much-loved ex-husband. People forget that before Shilo, there was Stitch. Stitch who made the adjustments, Stitch who had to learn to share me. I'm not saying Shilo has had it easy, but the adjustments, in regards to me, has been minimal. Shilo met Stitch, knowing that Stitch is/was a part of me. There was short period of time, after Shilo and I got engaged that caused some confusion on Shilo's part, but fortunately, it was short-lived.
There was some 'posturing' and competition until it was explained that there is no real competition. Stitch has his place, Shilo has his, and neither one can replace the other. Stitch is not a masochist, nor is he submissive, and, while Shilo is very protective of Sunshine, he's not her Daddy, and Stitch fills that role nicely. There's other things that Stitch does too, but it's not relevant to the subject.
Since Shilo and I got married, we've managed to get along well. This isn't to say there haven't been disagreements, but we've managed to talk things out. The source of most of our disagreements stems from tallship, and he's got a deadline to move out.
I've dated a few times since Shilo and I got married, but nothing serious, and since I have rules in place for dating someone new, I'm not too likely to get sexually involved with another man or woman anytime soon. Yes, it has now been well over a month since I've engaged in intercourse with either Shilo or Stitch, but, as a rule, I'm sexually satisfied. I doubt very seriously that anyone could make me feel as wonderful as they do, and I'm not going to go looking just to satisfy a temporary need.
I'm very much in Love with Shilo and Stitch, and I don't want anyone else. How many people do you know that can honestly say that? The best part (for me) is that there's no hiding anything. I can hold each one's hand, hug them and kiss them in front of the other, and say "I Love you" without any fear. There's no awkwardness when we're in the same bed together. There was some awkwardness the first night I slept with Shilo, but only because I'd never done that before. By sleeping, I mean sleeping, not sex.
This brings me to my final point: While I never hide my Love for either of them, I also don't parade one in front of the other. I don't have sex with one in front of the other, and I am very private about it when it happens. I try to have sex while the other is away or out of earshot.
Any questions?
Monday, January 12, 2015
Confession Time
This really isn't much of a confession as it is an admission of failure.
As far as I can remember, the last time I engaged in intercourse was sometime around Thanksgiving. in fact, that was the last time I received any sexual stimulation at all.
You see, boys and girls, I don't masturbate. Well, that's a half-truth. Let's just say that I masturbate once a year or so. I usually do it when I've been having LOTS of sex, and I want that good feeling to continue. I'll orgasm to the point of exhaustion, then sleep for a long time. It's a good happy feeling. My orgasms come rapidly, and I recover quickly. I never have "just one."
Keeping that in mind, last night I decided it had been long enough, and I was going to take matters into my own hands. I was going to masturbate! I read some sexy stories online, then went into the bathroom. I made some ginger paste to stimulate myself in hopes that I'd come quickly. I used a gloved hand and spread the paste on, and I enjoyed the tingle and heat. Then I went into the shower to rinse it off, and I used a toy that usually results in rapid fire orgasms. Only... well, only nothing happened. I didn't even get that "feel good" happiness that will show up when I'm too tired to cum.
I tried. I really tried. I spent the better part of an hour doing what I could to get there, but nothing worked. I finally gave up and went to bed frustrated. So, this morning, when Shilo came home from work, I told him I had a confession to make. He was obviously confused, because I tell him everything anyway. I get the feeling he was imagining something horrible, and he was relieved it wasn't anything bad, but I think he also felt sorry for me. Hell, I felt sorry for myself!
Anyway, with that conversation over, we both went to sleep for a while, and I got up about 10 to start my day, leaving him to sleep. I just feel stupid. I mean, I should have known that I wouldn't orgasm. I guess I'll just have to wait until someone wants me, because taking matters into my own hands is a huge waste of time.
Now that I've admitted that, I feel even more stupid. Laugh if you want. ♥
As far as I can remember, the last time I engaged in intercourse was sometime around Thanksgiving. in fact, that was the last time I received any sexual stimulation at all.
You see, boys and girls, I don't masturbate. Well, that's a half-truth. Let's just say that I masturbate once a year or so. I usually do it when I've been having LOTS of sex, and I want that good feeling to continue. I'll orgasm to the point of exhaustion, then sleep for a long time. It's a good happy feeling. My orgasms come rapidly, and I recover quickly. I never have "just one."
Keeping that in mind, last night I decided it had been long enough, and I was going to take matters into my own hands. I was going to masturbate! I read some sexy stories online, then went into the bathroom. I made some ginger paste to stimulate myself in hopes that I'd come quickly. I used a gloved hand and spread the paste on, and I enjoyed the tingle and heat. Then I went into the shower to rinse it off, and I used a toy that usually results in rapid fire orgasms. Only... well, only nothing happened. I didn't even get that "feel good" happiness that will show up when I'm too tired to cum.
I tried. I really tried. I spent the better part of an hour doing what I could to get there, but nothing worked. I finally gave up and went to bed frustrated. So, this morning, when Shilo came home from work, I told him I had a confession to make. He was obviously confused, because I tell him everything anyway. I get the feeling he was imagining something horrible, and he was relieved it wasn't anything bad, but I think he also felt sorry for me. Hell, I felt sorry for myself!
Anyway, with that conversation over, we both went to sleep for a while, and I got up about 10 to start my day, leaving him to sleep. I just feel stupid. I mean, I should have known that I wouldn't orgasm. I guess I'll just have to wait until someone wants me, because taking matters into my own hands is a huge waste of time.
Now that I've admitted that, I feel even more stupid. Laugh if you want. ♥
Monday, January 5, 2015
January Already???!!!
Here it is... January already! Think of this as an update on my life and Household.
My last post (on December 7th) was the day before I wrote a note to all members of the Household about some things that had me bothered, along with suggestions to make things better/easier for myself and the rest of the Household. I'm happy to say that there have been some improvements, but, in a few cases, it's been a case of "too little, too late." It got so bad, that I wrote another letter to the Household on New Year's Day and told Sherman that he has until February 19th to either have a job and pay towards Household expenses or move out. I think the majority of us would prefer a move out at this point.
My son Babyman AKA Child #4 has been having increased health issues, so he's been staying at the house with me. I now consider him a part-time member of the Household. Yes, this means that most activities previously allowed are now forbidden on a regular basis, but it's for the best in the long run. My child needs me. Also, we see the Neurology Specialist tomorrow to discuss the results of his MRI he had last month, and the options available. Kind of scary, but we need to do what's best for him and his health.
Finally, lets discuss Polyamory a little bit: Yes, I'm polyamorous, and I have three men living with me and two of them are my sexual partners. People seem to think I have and get sex on a frequent basis, and that simply isn't the case. For the record, the last time I engaged in intercourse with anyone that I recall was sometime in November. If I did it in December, I have no memory of it. I'm sure Shilo will remind me in the comments if we did. I know for a fact that Stitch hasn't. I'm not "complaining" just stating facts. Sherman went so far as to tell me if he wasn't mono he'd "give me some" but my #1 thought was "ICK!!!" Yeah, so now the truth about poly is out. Will I "get some" in January? The jury is still deciding on that.
I'll try to update a little more often.
My last post (on December 7th) was the day before I wrote a note to all members of the Household about some things that had me bothered, along with suggestions to make things better/easier for myself and the rest of the Household. I'm happy to say that there have been some improvements, but, in a few cases, it's been a case of "too little, too late." It got so bad, that I wrote another letter to the Household on New Year's Day and told Sherman that he has until February 19th to either have a job and pay towards Household expenses or move out. I think the majority of us would prefer a move out at this point.
My son Babyman AKA Child #4 has been having increased health issues, so he's been staying at the house with me. I now consider him a part-time member of the Household. Yes, this means that most activities previously allowed are now forbidden on a regular basis, but it's for the best in the long run. My child needs me. Also, we see the Neurology Specialist tomorrow to discuss the results of his MRI he had last month, and the options available. Kind of scary, but we need to do what's best for him and his health.
Finally, lets discuss Polyamory a little bit: Yes, I'm polyamorous, and I have three men living with me and two of them are my sexual partners. People seem to think I have and get sex on a frequent basis, and that simply isn't the case. For the record, the last time I engaged in intercourse with anyone that I recall was sometime in November. If I did it in December, I have no memory of it. I'm sure Shilo will remind me in the comments if we did. I know for a fact that Stitch hasn't. I'm not "complaining" just stating facts. Sherman went so far as to tell me if he wasn't mono he'd "give me some" but my #1 thought was "ICK!!!" Yeah, so now the truth about poly is out. Will I "get some" in January? The jury is still deciding on that.
I'll try to update a little more often.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
WARNING!
My health is very important to me, and I will no longer neglect it just to keep others happy and comfortable.
That is all... (for now)
That is all... (for now)
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Visiting The In-Laws
It's that time of year again. We've been with Shilo's parents going on the fourth day now, and yesterday was his birthday. We head home tomorrow. Big changes from last year. Mostly in attitude. I'm more comfortable around them, and his mom seems to be much more relaxed around me. She isn't trying to feed me constantly.
Shilo and I are having "issues" that I really have no control in fixing. Apparently, his upset stomach has affected his sex drive, or, at least, that's his claim. It's not so much that I doubt him, but I can't help but worry that there's something he's hiding from me. My own self-doubt will eventually kill me. I spend way too much time blaming myself for the shortcomings in our marriage. I'm madly in Love with Shilo, and I'll be the first to admit that things aren't as wonderful or perfect as we had hoped or imagined, but I still think we're better off than we were 18 months ago. It makes me sad that I can't fix the problems we're having. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure anyone or anything can fix all of them.
Love is the glue that holds us together, that, and a desire to make things work. I had really hoped that time away from home would help, but I guess I was wrong. I feel like crying, but the tears won't come.
Shilo and I are having "issues" that I really have no control in fixing. Apparently, his upset stomach has affected his sex drive, or, at least, that's his claim. It's not so much that I doubt him, but I can't help but worry that there's something he's hiding from me. My own self-doubt will eventually kill me. I spend way too much time blaming myself for the shortcomings in our marriage. I'm madly in Love with Shilo, and I'll be the first to admit that things aren't as wonderful or perfect as we had hoped or imagined, but I still think we're better off than we were 18 months ago. It makes me sad that I can't fix the problems we're having. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure anyone or anything can fix all of them.
Love is the glue that holds us together, that, and a desire to make things work. I had really hoped that time away from home would help, but I guess I was wrong. I feel like crying, but the tears won't come.
Friday, October 24, 2014
One Week
One week ago on early Friday afternoon, I had Shilo lock up in a chastity device, and I left on a weekend business trip for the Senior Church ladies. Shilo is still locked up, and, as I like to tease him, there's no end in sight.
Yes, I'm depriving myself of intercourse as well. It's a choice, because I know Stitch will happily accommodate me. Let's just say I'm not really in the mood right now for anyone but Shilo, and since I have him locked up, I'll just be doing without for a while longer. It will make the eventual ending all the more pleasurable.
Looking back, I honestly had no idea how Loving and passionate Shilo would be. It was the furthest thing from my thoughts, and I laugh at how naive we both were. He was convinced he was asexual, I was convinced he was asexual, and sex with him really wasn't on my radar with him. Our shared fetish for chastity was all the proof I needed that we would never cross that line. Falling in Love wasn't even on my radar, but the more time we spent with each other, the more I realized that I was in Love with him, and the more he realized he was in Love with me. The more Love I felt for him, the stronger my passion grew, and his grew as well.
Those early days were full of more sex than I could calculate, but I'm sure he's kept count somewhere. Somewhere around 3 weeks into our sexual relationship, I brought up the subject of locking him in chastity. I was a little surprised at his negative reaction, but common sense won out, and he acquiesced. It seems he needed reassurance that I wanted him(!) Yes, I found that surprising, because I thought I had made it abundantly clear to him.
I'm glad that nowadays we've worked it out that he knows I won't deprive him for long, but, other than my trip to Springfield, IL in May, I think it's been a long time since he's been locked up for more than a week. I mean, yes, we've gone more than a week without intercourse for various reasons, but locking him wasn't involved. I'm also pretty sure he could give dates, times etc; but I'll leave it up to his discretion as to whether or not he puts it here.
He's asleep right now. He's been asleep since we arrived home at 5:15 after running errands all day and paying bills. I had hoped we could film tonight and then I could unlock him (I'm really horny) but I guess it'll have to wait. Still wondering if I'll feel like this later/tomorrow. I'm not likely to unlock him unless I want sex and it's practical, simply because he'll have to shower after removing the device because of my metal allergy before we even consider sex. GRRRRR!!!
Looks like masturbation is in my future... LOL I'm just too tired to go through the hassle of trying for sex with Shilo. Goodnight!
Yes, I'm depriving myself of intercourse as well. It's a choice, because I know Stitch will happily accommodate me. Let's just say I'm not really in the mood right now for anyone but Shilo, and since I have him locked up, I'll just be doing without for a while longer. It will make the eventual ending all the more pleasurable.
Looking back, I honestly had no idea how Loving and passionate Shilo would be. It was the furthest thing from my thoughts, and I laugh at how naive we both were. He was convinced he was asexual, I was convinced he was asexual, and sex with him really wasn't on my radar with him. Our shared fetish for chastity was all the proof I needed that we would never cross that line. Falling in Love wasn't even on my radar, but the more time we spent with each other, the more I realized that I was in Love with him, and the more he realized he was in Love with me. The more Love I felt for him, the stronger my passion grew, and his grew as well.
Those early days were full of more sex than I could calculate, but I'm sure he's kept count somewhere. Somewhere around 3 weeks into our sexual relationship, I brought up the subject of locking him in chastity. I was a little surprised at his negative reaction, but common sense won out, and he acquiesced. It seems he needed reassurance that I wanted him(!) Yes, I found that surprising, because I thought I had made it abundantly clear to him.
I'm glad that nowadays we've worked it out that he knows I won't deprive him for long, but, other than my trip to Springfield, IL in May, I think it's been a long time since he's been locked up for more than a week. I mean, yes, we've gone more than a week without intercourse for various reasons, but locking him wasn't involved. I'm also pretty sure he could give dates, times etc; but I'll leave it up to his discretion as to whether or not he puts it here.
He's asleep right now. He's been asleep since we arrived home at 5:15 after running errands all day and paying bills. I had hoped we could film tonight and then I could unlock him (I'm really horny) but I guess it'll have to wait. Still wondering if I'll feel like this later/tomorrow. I'm not likely to unlock him unless I want sex and it's practical, simply because he'll have to shower after removing the device because of my metal allergy before we even consider sex. GRRRRR!!!
Looks like masturbation is in my future... LOL I'm just too tired to go through the hassle of trying for sex with Shilo. Goodnight!
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Surprise!
I Love Shilo. I'm 'in Love' with Shilo. Anyone who knows us will tell you that.My Love for him is hard to explain, but I will also admit that there's a healthy dose of lust that cannot be explained. Perhaps it's because we share so many similar kinks with each other. Maybe it's the incredible sex we have with each other. No, it's not constant, but I'll admit that it's somewhere in the back of my mind... Quite often, in fact. Even (especially) when I have him locked in chastity. Depriving him, depriving myself. It's a beautiful thing.
So, it's day 6 in chastity for him, and about a week since we engaged in sex. He's also (pretty much) gotten away with not providing me my required Daily Orgasm (D.O.) mostly because of schedule conflicts. This is merely a statement of facts. Anyway, I cannot even begin to express how close we are. They say (who are these people anyway?) "Great minds think alike" and it is so with us. I finish his sentences, and I've been known to ask him about things before he has a chance to tell me about them. I mean, he's ready to tell me about some event, and I have no clue, but just as he's about to say it, I'll ask him about it. I amaze him with my ability to 'pick up' on his thoughts and/or emotions. I tease that we're thisclose to each other. However, I'm not a mind reader. If I really was a mind reader, I'd use it in a more constructive way. (Perhaps to make money?) And, although I have a great sense of smell, and he will insist, I'm not a bloodhound either. I just have a 'nose' for certain things, and I won't hesitate to acknowledge it.
Yes, it's also true I can occasionally pick up on the emotions of others. I feel it's more of a curse than a blessing. Feeling the distress of another person can be overwhelming. So, what is this really about? My closeness to Shilo and my ability to be wherever he is without him realizing I'm there. In other words, arriving before him, leaving before he arrives, and coming back as he's there wishing I was around. Our 'six degrees of separation' that has been proven more than once. You know... the crazy scary stuff people don't talk about.
My ability to surprise him. Grabbing a specific spanking implement before he can ask for it. All that stuff I do automatically without him asking, or telling. The 'accidental' stuff. The last thing I want to do is frighten him with my curse. My abilities, because he could run away screaming. Only, well... he won't. He could get lost in my eyes, my arms. He doesn't want to be anywhere that is too far away from me. I can rip him apart. It's not a choice anymore. He would deny it outwardly, but his eyes don't lie. I have a secret. One that Sunshine won't tell him. She can't, but I'll tell it here: I'm not proud of my abilities regarding him. Hell, I'm not proud of my abilities regarding Stitch, either. Don't misunderstand: I'm not ashamed of my abilities either. Knowing what I know, when I know it, understanding my abilities to 'pick up' on emotions. Feeling a Love and desire that is so very strong that neither of us can fight it. It scares me too. But I'm here. I'm not leaving. I promised, and I keep my promises. I need to get dinner started now if I'm going to use the crock pot.
So, it's day 6 in chastity for him, and about a week since we engaged in sex. He's also (pretty much) gotten away with not providing me my required Daily Orgasm (D.O.) mostly because of schedule conflicts. This is merely a statement of facts. Anyway, I cannot even begin to express how close we are. They say (who are these people anyway?) "Great minds think alike" and it is so with us. I finish his sentences, and I've been known to ask him about things before he has a chance to tell me about them. I mean, he's ready to tell me about some event, and I have no clue, but just as he's about to say it, I'll ask him about it. I amaze him with my ability to 'pick up' on his thoughts and/or emotions. I tease that we're thisclose to each other. However, I'm not a mind reader. If I really was a mind reader, I'd use it in a more constructive way. (Perhaps to make money?) And, although I have a great sense of smell, and he will insist, I'm not a bloodhound either. I just have a 'nose' for certain things, and I won't hesitate to acknowledge it.
Yes, it's also true I can occasionally pick up on the emotions of others. I feel it's more of a curse than a blessing. Feeling the distress of another person can be overwhelming. So, what is this really about? My closeness to Shilo and my ability to be wherever he is without him realizing I'm there. In other words, arriving before him, leaving before he arrives, and coming back as he's there wishing I was around. Our 'six degrees of separation' that has been proven more than once. You know... the crazy scary stuff people don't talk about.
My ability to surprise him. Grabbing a specific spanking implement before he can ask for it. All that stuff I do automatically without him asking, or telling. The 'accidental' stuff. The last thing I want to do is frighten him with my curse. My abilities, because he could run away screaming. Only, well... he won't. He could get lost in my eyes, my arms. He doesn't want to be anywhere that is too far away from me. I can rip him apart. It's not a choice anymore. He would deny it outwardly, but his eyes don't lie. I have a secret. One that Sunshine won't tell him. She can't, but I'll tell it here: I'm not proud of my abilities regarding him. Hell, I'm not proud of my abilities regarding Stitch, either. Don't misunderstand: I'm not ashamed of my abilities either. Knowing what I know, when I know it, understanding my abilities to 'pick up' on emotions. Feeling a Love and desire that is so very strong that neither of us can fight it. It scares me too. But I'm here. I'm not leaving. I promised, and I keep my promises. I need to get dinner started now if I'm going to use the crock pot.
Of Interest
http://wannabespankee.tumblr.com/post/33971933681/oneyear
I honestly cannot comment without giggling for oh-so-many reasons, most of which have nothing to do with me.
I honestly cannot comment without giggling for oh-so-many reasons, most of which have nothing to do with me.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Restless
I don't keep secrets. Well, not on purpose. I have a habit of forgetting things, remembering them, and then promptly forgetting them. Live with me long enough and you'll see it in action.
I'm also a horrible procrastinator, and I'm easily distracted. I'll have several "projects" going on at once, and I find myself wondering how it all happened.
The chronic insomnia is a frequent stumbling-block to accomplishing things because I will often fall asleep sitting up. Mostly, though, I'm just restless.
I wouldn't say uneasy or bored, but I frequently feel like I've neglected or forgotten something or someone.
Shilo has a calendar for me. It sends reminders, and I still forget. I frequently overbook or double book, and other days, I'm completely empty and wondering why I didn't book stuff that day.
I've been depriving myself of intercourse lately, waiting for Shilo to heal. I hate it. I also discovered that I hate using a condom for sex with him. It prevents him from hitting all the "good" spots inside me, and causes frustration. I don't want to deprive either of us, so I'm going to try to figure out a workable solution for the both of us.
Driving to Huntington Beach Sunday evening with Stitch caused me to get agitated because we (the other members of my Household) are feeling that a certain person in the Household isn't doing enough. I came home and started on a chore list. I haven't finished it yet, but I also haven't finished writing the changes in the Agreement that Shilo and I discussed. Both are important, but which one should be a priority?
I've been struggling with both for several hours, and neither one is where I want it. I refuse to send either one to Shilo unfinished, so he won't get either.
The events of Sunday afternoon has me wanting to be (sexually) teased mercilessly by Shilo, but I already suspect that my inability to finish either document will probably severely curtail any sexual activity on Shilo's part because he (understandably) wants me to get something done. Yes, I'm the Dominant, but our marriage is set up where I "allow" him to have some authority, because if I didn't nothing would ever get accomplished. I want to be kept on task, and he does that for me.
I'm going to stare at the papers more, but I'm also going to message him and tell him now about my inability to get anything accomplished. Really too sleepy to think straight.
I'm also a horrible procrastinator, and I'm easily distracted. I'll have several "projects" going on at once, and I find myself wondering how it all happened.
The chronic insomnia is a frequent stumbling-block to accomplishing things because I will often fall asleep sitting up. Mostly, though, I'm just restless.
I wouldn't say uneasy or bored, but I frequently feel like I've neglected or forgotten something or someone.
Shilo has a calendar for me. It sends reminders, and I still forget. I frequently overbook or double book, and other days, I'm completely empty and wondering why I didn't book stuff that day.
I've been depriving myself of intercourse lately, waiting for Shilo to heal. I hate it. I also discovered that I hate using a condom for sex with him. It prevents him from hitting all the "good" spots inside me, and causes frustration. I don't want to deprive either of us, so I'm going to try to figure out a workable solution for the both of us.
Driving to Huntington Beach Sunday evening with Stitch caused me to get agitated because we (the other members of my Household) are feeling that a certain person in the Household isn't doing enough. I came home and started on a chore list. I haven't finished it yet, but I also haven't finished writing the changes in the Agreement that Shilo and I discussed. Both are important, but which one should be a priority?
I've been struggling with both for several hours, and neither one is where I want it. I refuse to send either one to Shilo unfinished, so he won't get either.
The events of Sunday afternoon has me wanting to be (sexually) teased mercilessly by Shilo, but I already suspect that my inability to finish either document will probably severely curtail any sexual activity on Shilo's part because he (understandably) wants me to get something done. Yes, I'm the Dominant, but our marriage is set up where I "allow" him to have some authority, because if I didn't nothing would ever get accomplished. I want to be kept on task, and he does that for me.
I'm going to stare at the papers more, but I'm also going to message him and tell him now about my inability to get anything accomplished. Really too sleepy to think straight.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Why?
Why did I lock Shilo in chastity? Or, rather, why did I have Shilo lock himself in chastity? Yes, it's a fetish... I won't deny that. But, but, well, it's a way to deny myself pleasure. If he's locked in chastity, I can't have sex with him. (Well, DUH! Merry!) Only, right now, it's more than that.
Just in case there's a new reader, I'll explain: I enjoy sex with Shilo. Better explained, I Love sex with Shilo. It didn't start that way, but it didn't take long for it to happen. Now that it happened, I think I could engage in intercourse daily, or, maybe even a few times day with him, and I'd still enjoy it. It didn't take him long to learn how to please me. He's pretty much spoiled me for anyone else. That last (previous) sentence sums it up. I'm guilty of silently comparing. I'm too polite to do it out loud, but I catch myself doing it. I want Shilo. I don't want Stitch, or Sherman, or anyone else. I won't turn down Stitch, but he rarely pursues me anyway, and, as for Sherman, he's pretty much decided to be celibate. Not complaining... I'm not particularly interested anyway.
So, back to Shilo's chastity: Due to many reasons (the heat, his indigestion, possibly even his age) Shilo has not been initiating much sex with me lately. Even though I (logically) understand why, there's nagging in the back of my head telling me that I don't turn him on, he doesn't want me, etc; etc. It's really destroying me. It causes me to feel sad and unloved. It sucks! This isn't his fault, and no amount of logic takes away the bad feelings. I needed a solution, and I needed it fast. The only solution I could think of was for me to put him in chastity, because if he's in chastity, he can't have sex with me. This way, I can blame the chastity, and not all the unreasonable feelings I'm having. The twisted logic causes me to feel just a little bit better.
The bad part of this is that I think maybe Shilo might feel punished, and that is not a desired side effect. Anyway, I think my reasoning is clear. Not Shilo's fault, and shutting out feelings of self-doubt.
Just in case there's a new reader, I'll explain: I enjoy sex with Shilo. Better explained, I Love sex with Shilo. It didn't start that way, but it didn't take long for it to happen. Now that it happened, I think I could engage in intercourse daily, or, maybe even a few times day with him, and I'd still enjoy it. It didn't take him long to learn how to please me. He's pretty much spoiled me for anyone else. That last (previous) sentence sums it up. I'm guilty of silently comparing. I'm too polite to do it out loud, but I catch myself doing it. I want Shilo. I don't want Stitch, or Sherman, or anyone else. I won't turn down Stitch, but he rarely pursues me anyway, and, as for Sherman, he's pretty much decided to be celibate. Not complaining... I'm not particularly interested anyway.
So, back to Shilo's chastity: Due to many reasons (the heat, his indigestion, possibly even his age) Shilo has not been initiating much sex with me lately. Even though I (logically) understand why, there's nagging in the back of my head telling me that I don't turn him on, he doesn't want me, etc; etc. It's really destroying me. It causes me to feel sad and unloved. It sucks! This isn't his fault, and no amount of logic takes away the bad feelings. I needed a solution, and I needed it fast. The only solution I could think of was for me to put him in chastity, because if he's in chastity, he can't have sex with me. This way, I can blame the chastity, and not all the unreasonable feelings I'm having. The twisted logic causes me to feel just a little bit better.
The bad part of this is that I think maybe Shilo might feel punished, and that is not a desired side effect. Anyway, I think my reasoning is clear. Not Shilo's fault, and shutting out feelings of self-doubt.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Just An Update
Things are working out well with Sherman. He gets along well with both Stitch and Shilo, and Shilo was the one I was most concerned about, because he had only heard tidbits about Sherman up until he moved in here. It's also feeling more "permanent" because we now have his dog here in addition to his belongings.
Sherman has also proven that he knows his way around the kitchen, and has made dinner for us (Stitch and me, Shilo was working) a few times now. He also cooked while Shilo and I were camping last week. It's nice that I don't need to worry about cooking food in advance for Stitch when Shilo and I are gone. Shilo also took his turn in the kitchen this past week, modifying a meal he made before for us and adding cooked linguica, much to my delight. It's nice to know I don't have to make dinner if I'm not feeling up to it.
About the campout last weekend: I know I barely mentioned it a week ago, and not since. Shilo and I arrived about 15 minutes after it was scheduled to start, and he set up the tent with minimal help from me. He seemed to have an attitude that it was his job, so I let him at it, even though my helping would have saved time. We were the first ones to arrive. I got to see people I only see twice a year or less, and I even saw "Z"! I was dancing with delight to see her. She's had some rough times, and she looks so good! I'm very happy and proud for her. In the early morning hours (about 1 or so) I put Shilo on a spanking bench, and hit his ass with a number of implements. Then I went into the tent so I could receive my orgasm. He did a great job, but was unable to get or maintain an erection so we could engage in intercourse. I wasn't mad, but I was disappointed. The next paragraph will explain why.
Engaging in intercourse with Shilo is indescribable. Yes, he refers to it as "the ol' in and out" referencing "A Clockwork Orange" and I just write it as sex, but it's so much more than that. Because of the length, thickness, and shape of his penis, we have to have intercourse in missionary position. Any other position is painful because of what was left after my hysterectomy. He hits my g-spot every time!!! Washing sheets and/or towels is something I do frequently, and I don't mind a bit, because the sex is so good. I say terrible things, scream, and scratch like a tigress in heat. As incredible as it is for me, and as much as he enjoys it, there is one very unfortunate problem: He rarely reaches a climax. My theory is that he spent too many years masturbating, and it is so different from intercourse that he cannot cum from intercourse. Don't get me wrong, he will occasionally hit that point, but not very often.Yes, he says he enjoys sex with me, there's nothing wrong with me, and he even initiates sex on a regular basis. Unfortunately, the inability to get or maintain an erection lately has been problematic. My solution is in the next paragraph.
I don't like calling this a solution, because it solves nothing, but it seems to work in some evil, twisted way... He used to lock up in chastity to prevent masturbation before he got together with me, and, even after that, I used his chastity device in that manner, plus on other occasions as well. I won't answer for him, but, for me, it's a fetish. I enjoy seeing him locked in etc. a full explanation is here and it explains much better than my sleep deprived brain ever could. So, on Sunday, July 6th, at about 3 in the afternoon, Shilo got locked up in his newest device. It's silicone, and he says it's comfortable. I can't explain the psychology behind it, nor can I even explain what it does to him, but it seems to work. Also, we don't see chastity as a "punishment" so it works quite well, Actually, that's a misnomer. It is a punishment, for me, mostly, because, as stated before, I ENJOY sex with him so much. Yes, I can unlock him whenever I want. It's just that lately I've wanted to be pursued, and so I've not made the first move with anyone. I don't recall the last time I had sex with Stitch (maybe sometime in early June?) and Sherman, while he was "approved" for sex several years ago by Stitch, he hasn't gotten tested, and I don't feel necessarily sexual towards him, and he's still getting used to things here, so while he will hold me and kiss me, he hasn't tried anything, and, well, Shilo is locked up, and he hasn't even offered me an orgasm. so, yes, it tortures me more than anyone.
I thought about masturbating a few days ago to take off "the edge" a little bit, but I'm too tired. It's funny: I am in my house, running around nearly naked with three relatively healthy men, amd not one has even tried to initiate sex, or foreplay, or even just doing something to warm me up to them. I'm horny, but I'm not going to ask. Maybe it's a pride thing. I know that Shilo reads this sometimes, but who knows when, or even if he will use this information against me? (Or maybe for me?) I'm fully aware that he has masturbated while wearing a chastity device in the past, so even that can't or won't stop him. In the meantime, I just suffer in silence.
In other news, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm attending a FemDomme party tonight with Shilo. We will actually celebrate my birthday on the 16th at what Sunshine calls "The cotton candy place." Now I must get my weekend started.
Sherman has also proven that he knows his way around the kitchen, and has made dinner for us (Stitch and me, Shilo was working) a few times now. He also cooked while Shilo and I were camping last week. It's nice that I don't need to worry about cooking food in advance for Stitch when Shilo and I are gone. Shilo also took his turn in the kitchen this past week, modifying a meal he made before for us and adding cooked linguica, much to my delight. It's nice to know I don't have to make dinner if I'm not feeling up to it.
About the campout last weekend: I know I barely mentioned it a week ago, and not since. Shilo and I arrived about 15 minutes after it was scheduled to start, and he set up the tent with minimal help from me. He seemed to have an attitude that it was his job, so I let him at it, even though my helping would have saved time. We were the first ones to arrive. I got to see people I only see twice a year or less, and I even saw "Z"! I was dancing with delight to see her. She's had some rough times, and she looks so good! I'm very happy and proud for her. In the early morning hours (about 1 or so) I put Shilo on a spanking bench, and hit his ass with a number of implements. Then I went into the tent so I could receive my orgasm. He did a great job, but was unable to get or maintain an erection so we could engage in intercourse. I wasn't mad, but I was disappointed. The next paragraph will explain why.
Engaging in intercourse with Shilo is indescribable. Yes, he refers to it as "the ol' in and out" referencing "A Clockwork Orange" and I just write it as sex, but it's so much more than that. Because of the length, thickness, and shape of his penis, we have to have intercourse in missionary position. Any other position is painful because of what was left after my hysterectomy. He hits my g-spot every time!!! Washing sheets and/or towels is something I do frequently, and I don't mind a bit, because the sex is so good. I say terrible things, scream, and scratch like a tigress in heat. As incredible as it is for me, and as much as he enjoys it, there is one very unfortunate problem: He rarely reaches a climax. My theory is that he spent too many years masturbating, and it is so different from intercourse that he cannot cum from intercourse. Don't get me wrong, he will occasionally hit that point, but not very often.Yes, he says he enjoys sex with me, there's nothing wrong with me, and he even initiates sex on a regular basis. Unfortunately, the inability to get or maintain an erection lately has been problematic. My solution is in the next paragraph.
I don't like calling this a solution, because it solves nothing, but it seems to work in some evil, twisted way... He used to lock up in chastity to prevent masturbation before he got together with me, and, even after that, I used his chastity device in that manner, plus on other occasions as well. I won't answer for him, but, for me, it's a fetish. I enjoy seeing him locked in etc. a full explanation is here and it explains much better than my sleep deprived brain ever could. So, on Sunday, July 6th, at about 3 in the afternoon, Shilo got locked up in his newest device. It's silicone, and he says it's comfortable. I can't explain the psychology behind it, nor can I even explain what it does to him, but it seems to work. Also, we don't see chastity as a "punishment" so it works quite well, Actually, that's a misnomer. It is a punishment, for me, mostly, because, as stated before, I ENJOY sex with him so much. Yes, I can unlock him whenever I want. It's just that lately I've wanted to be pursued, and so I've not made the first move with anyone. I don't recall the last time I had sex with Stitch (maybe sometime in early June?) and Sherman, while he was "approved" for sex several years ago by Stitch, he hasn't gotten tested, and I don't feel necessarily sexual towards him, and he's still getting used to things here, so while he will hold me and kiss me, he hasn't tried anything, and, well, Shilo is locked up, and he hasn't even offered me an orgasm. so, yes, it tortures me more than anyone.
I thought about masturbating a few days ago to take off "the edge" a little bit, but I'm too tired. It's funny: I am in my house, running around nearly naked with three relatively healthy men, amd not one has even tried to initiate sex, or foreplay, or even just doing something to warm me up to them. I'm horny, but I'm not going to ask. Maybe it's a pride thing. I know that Shilo reads this sometimes, but who knows when, or even if he will use this information against me? (Or maybe for me?) I'm fully aware that he has masturbated while wearing a chastity device in the past, so even that can't or won't stop him. In the meantime, I just suffer in silence.
In other news, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm attending a FemDomme party tonight with Shilo. We will actually celebrate my birthday on the 16th at what Sunshine calls "The cotton candy place." Now I must get my weekend started.
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