I belong to both Collarspace (formerly CollarMe) and OKCupid.
I've noticed that available women are rare on both sites, or at least
women who really are women. I'm not exactly sure on the ratio, but I
will say that there is no lack of male attention, whether or not the
woman has a profile picture.
So, as I said above, I don't approach men because, while I'm acquainted with rejection, I don’t want to be the instigator. Let the man show interest in me. Let him prove to me that he has things in common and is intelligent, or he can at least make a sentence with words and punctuation. The rest is easy. A face to face so I can decide if he is as he presented himself, and I enjoy his company. Picking up on the subtleties of speech, detecting the odor of cigarettes, too much cologne, or alcohol, and various other things allows me to make a decision about a man. In fact, within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone, I already know if I want to see them again. Predicting their impression isn’t so easy, but usually the attraction or the lack thereof is mutual. Since I don't pretend that I'm interested when I'm not, it's easy. I am who I am, and I'm not for everyone, and I tell people that before I meet them.
My typical interaction goes like this:
Him: Hi! My name is Average Joe and I read your profile. I was surprised by all we have in common. I enjoy using unnecessary superlatives too! My hobbies are basket-weaving and sleeping in front of the TV with sports playing at full blast. My favorite music is disco, and I'm a great dancer, I won a prize in third grade. Would you please take the time to read my most excellent profile and let me know if you're interested?
Me: Hello Joe!
I read your profile, and it appears we do have lots in common. It amazes me how your profile appears to be custom written for me. How do you feel about bats in your cave?
Him: I prefer to let my bats hang, cause they’re so very happy in there. I was wondering, when could we meet? I'm so excited about taking you dancing and I’m just thrilled that we can weave baskets together!
Me: (already beginning to question myself) How about Friday at noon? We can meet at Mickey D's on Main Street.
Him: I'm so excited and super impressed that you want to meet me, Also, I was wondering if you could send me a picture of you because your description and picture on your profile isn't nearly good enough.
Me: (sighs internally) Sure, nothing would give me greater joy than have you build me up, and then criticize my crooked nose and huge feet.
Him: I can't wait! Even though I'm a 4, I just know you'll be an 11 ¾!
Me: Here are some recent pictures I painstakingly picked out because it shows me with my dog, and this other one because my eyes are so pretty.
Him: uhmm... well... you're not even a 10, you're a 6 at best, and in spite of the fact that appearance-wise I'm a 4, I expect to only be seem with a 10. I don't care that we share these interests and might be compatible in all these other areas because you must be be-yoo-tee-full !
Me: It figures...
Honestly, I'm okay with being a 5 appearance-wise. I rate higher in areas that I feel are of greater importance, so I really don't worry. Only I wish that people were a bit more honest about things. For example, if you want a Barbie doll, say it! But say it on your profile so I can ignore you.
/END RANT
A curious one MIGHT ask...
ReplyDeleteWhat are YOU searching for?
What are you missing in your life?
Why do you still have profiles on these meet up sites?
Are you not happy and satisfied in your relationships at home?
Is this some fulfillment you are not getting?
@ Merryslave: Those are great questions! If it was someone just being nosy, I'd tell them it was none of their business. If it was you, well, we had this discussion last week, so you already know, but for the benefit of anyone else reading this that wants a better understanding without being accusatory, I will happily explain but I was informed that my answer was too long, so it will be divided:
ReplyDeleteIn no particular order:
I have a laundry list of why I still have the profile pages, but I'll narrow it down to 2 reasons. Laziness and curiosity. Like I've said heaven knows how many times, I rarely send a first message to anyone. The most recent person I initiated contact with was Spike, and that was based on both the factors listed above. My relationship with him ended due to factors beyond our control, and he was someone I wouldn't need to worry about, because, like you and Stitch and Daddy W, he is an honorable man, and he's trustworthy. The added plus is that I know what to expect from him, and I feel safe allowing him into our home. Also, did you not voice your approval of him?
I'm very happy with both of my Primary relationships. There is no replacing them with each other, or anyone else for that matter. If I was "forced" to give things that were lacking, I'd say time and health. Shilo has been ill and unable to to participate in any substantial BDSM play since November of last year, and even though he's had a few good days, my concern is that there's going to be times when he's just not ready or up to it. Naturally, as his wife and Mistress, I want Shilo to have the opportunity to heal, but I also don't want to lose my skills or deny my desire to engage in some hand (or paddle) to bottom contact. Stitch is not equipped to do so, so I reactivated my Collarspace profile. Most messages are instantly deleted, and the writer is blocked. I do not suffer fools or assholes. I also still have this fantasy of someone to do NSA housework. Not holding my breath.
CONTINUED:
ReplyDeleteLet's discuss time: Shilo is a very hard worker and a provider, as is Stitch. Unfortunately, due to his work hours and untreated narcolepsy combined with his illness, much of Shilo's off time is spent sleeping. It would not be fair of me to keep him awake to entertain me, nor would it be conducive to his health. This means that I go days or weeks at a time without outside human contact. When my mother died and I chose to live how I live, I eliminated nearly all my vanilla friendships. The few I have left are based on my church-related work, and other than that, I have very little in common with them. True, the Bible tells us not to judge, but people do. I don't want to go back into the closet. Having those profiles enables me to be 'out' and to meet others who share interests without feeling like I have to hide stuff.
I'm not looking for a sexual relationship with anyone else. I'm too selective, and I'm a prude when it comes to fucking around. If I can't get it at home, I'll just do without. Both Shilo and Stitch are aware of that. My polyamory isn't polyfuckery. I have rules regarding entering a sexual relationship with others, and there's no desire on my part to go through the hassle. if I change my mind, I'll talk to them about it. Both my profiles explain that I'm not looking for sexual contact..
The following is a cut and paste of a reply to my fetblog:
"My whole point is that I'm getting really tired of time wasters. I was originally on to meet people who were poly friendly and willing to go out and spend time doing activities other than kink. I don't lie about my appearance or lifestyle, and the lack of manners and tact amazes me. Since I don't drink, I avoid the cocktail party for polys. There's more to me than D/s, and it's all most people see."
You see, I feel that establishing friendships based on common interests is important. having those profiles allows me to pick and choose, although once I've gone over the profiles and messages, there's not much left. The pickins be slim!
It's important to note that my lack of outside relationships isn't anyone's fault, I chose it. Now, I'm choosing to do something about it. I have no intentions of putting any friendship/relationship before either Stitch or Shilo, because they are my priority.
Hopefully this answers your questions to your satisfaction.
Is it a two-way street?
ReplyDeleteIf Stitch OR Shilo do not feel fulfilled at home, are they 'allowed' to look elsewhere for friendship, entertainment.... oh, anything, but casual sex ?
I actually had this discussion today with Shilo. Believe it or not, Shilo does have outside interests and friends, including a twice a month scrabble group, but he hasn't been feeling well enough to go. He even has friends of his that come to the house on occasion. As part of our BDSM agreement, he is not allowed to seek out another lover or Dominant, but he does have pre-approved play partners. I haven't denied him anything. It was his choice to be monogamous. Shilo is always free to discuss matters privately with me.
DeleteAs for Stitch, well, he has plenty of female friends from work, and is often known to tell me stories about one woman or the other. He has a few male friends, all that know about the situation in the Household. I've never denied him the ability to go and have friends or participate in activities as long as it's not my Birthday or some other important day.
Some might say my primary relationships are a double standard, others might see it as a two way street. I guess it depends on the observer and what they choose to see.
Even though I can choose my friends however I want, I have chosen to tell both Stitch and Shilo about anyone I see and the results. Shilo has been known to tell me and voice his disapproval of others in the past. And, for the record, he's ALWAYS been right. In general, though, he's fine with the people I have picked out. Stitch likes everyone unless or until they step into what he sees as his personal space.
Because I discuss things with them, I feel comfortable with my decisions, and because, unlike many others in the type of relationship dynamic that we have, I've given them (limited) veto power, they play a part in the decision-making.
Let me explain limited veto power: I meet Joe for coffee. I've already told Shilo that I was meeting this gentleman named Joe for coffee, so he knows. Stitch (by his choice) is told simply that I'm going out for coffee.
Within the first 10 minutes of meeting Joe and talking to him, I know if I want to see him again. I wait until the end to discuss that with Joe. When I get home, I will tell Shilo about Joe, whether or not I liked him, and whether or not I will see him again. I also usually give details. I will simply tell Stitch nothing, unless he asks, or I will tell him I met this nice guy named Joe, and I'll answer any questions he chooses to ask.
The next time I see Joe, both Stitch and Shilo know I'm seeing him. Again details are given, and so on...
So far it hasn't ever gotten to the following point with anyone I've met, but let's pretend for a second:
If I decide I want to be serious about Joe, I'll tell both of them. Joe was already informed early on that in order for me to have a more serious relationship with him, he has to meet both Shilo and Stitch. I would pay close attention to their responses when they first meet. After they have an opportunity to talk to Joe individually and together, I will ask their opinion. This is where the limited veto comes in. I ask each of them separately how they feel, and if they approve. If they both approve, great! If either one or both disapprove, they have to give a reason. If Shilo said that he didn't approve, I would expect a substantial reason, not "Just because." I would talk to Stitch again, and mention Shilo's concern and see how Stitch feels, or vice-versa. Either way, I'd make sure to think seriously about it if only one disapproved, and if both disapproved, I would end the relationship. I don't want someone in my life that doesn't get along with Stitch or Shilo. It wouldn't be fair to them. So, there you have it.