What...the...FUCK???!!!

What is wrong with me???

I maintain a transparent relationship with both Stitch and Shilo. I mean, I tell them everything I do with others, (except for details concerning the other, unless they ask) my feelings, my actions. Nothing is secret, nothing is sacred. Except for maybe this time, but mostly because I'm confused about my feelings. I'm feeling awfully conflicted right now. Well, actually, maybe the past 24 hours.

I tend to 'box' things and people. Either I like or dislike people, and the ones I dislike, I either ignore or tolerate them, and I'm always on my best behavior, being nice even if it kills me inside. There are vanillas, kinksters, and acquaintances. Acquaintances are people I see on a somewhat regular basis, like my favorite checker at the grocery store or the butcher. I make no guesses as to whether they're kinky or not. As for kinky people, there are the ones that I encounter online (like Fetlife) the ones I see when I go places, the ones I play with, the ones that will approach me and ask to play with me, the ones in a relationship with me, and the one I'm dating. (yeah, I've been casually dating a sub for nearly a year now) Then there's Spike. I can't box him. I mean, I'd love to box him, but that wasn't part of our agreement. I mean, there's others like Spike, but I think that right now, Spike is what has me bothered. Let me make this clear: Spike isn't the only one who has been the source of this feeling, and it's not his fault.

I enjoy playing. I love the "high" I get after playing with someone I like. The feedback, the closeness, the whole thing. As a rule, the good feeling will often last for days, and will gradually taper off. Then there are the other ones. I feel good for a day or two, then BOOM! I feel like shit. I thought about it, and tried to figure out what the common denominator was (besides me, of course!) and I came to a conclusion. In every case where I had this horrible drop, two things happened: The first was that it was with someone I really liked. The second was that aftercare was lacking. No, not the traditional aftercare, but the day after aftercare. Usually I'll call to check in with the person I played with the next day to make sure they're okay. We talk for a minute or two, and that's it. I feel good, they feel good. In Spike's case (as well as a few others) I only had the option of texting, and the text wasn't returned. It's amazing how much that small gesture can mean.

That check-in allows me to help the person process things, and I will often use it as a way to talk about potential drop. It shows the person that I care about their feelings, and even if we never play together again, it allows for some closure. When I don't get to do the check-in, I worry about the other person. I mean, it doesn't matter if a person is brand new or has several decades worth of experience, I want to be sure I gave that person a positive experience with me. Naturally, there's been "disasters" in the dungeon, but being able to dissect it away from the dungeon helps the both of us.

So, today I felt like shit. I was in bed all day. Yes, I'll admit that I've been beating Shilo's ass the past few days and it's been fun and fulfilling, and even sexy at times, but it doesn't 'make up' for the hurt and negative feelings I'm feeling. One cannot replace the other. Believe me, I wish it did. Writing abut this helps a little, and maybe talking about it with Daddy Wayne and Shilo tomorrow will help, but time will fix this as well. My "drops" don't last forever, it just feels that way.

Now maybe I can work through all this and start healing.