Don’t mind me. I’m just sitting here at my desk thinking
about recent events. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about things,
only…
Well, only in this particular case, there are others who have asked
about my feelings, and even some who are concerned enough to want to
reassure me. Between you, (the reader) me, and the lamppost, I’m glad
for the reassurances even though I don’t need them. It proves to me that
I really am cared for, and that my feelings
(mostly positive, as opposed to negative, but undecided) matter. Having
my feelings matter is important, and a very big thing for me.
I won’t lie: Yesterday, there was a (very) brief moment where a voice told me that I didn’t have a choice in the matter, and that might be true in a way, but what it didn’t say (and never says) is that I’m not any less important just because of the changes. I know where I stand. I know my place, I know my history, and I recognize my importance. What makes all this (my feelings and the events) funny is that I’ve had this conversation with both Stitch and Shilo at one point or another, regarding them and their status with me. The tables have turned a bit. The only difference is that I’m not left wondering why I can’t be “enough” because I know that reason. I have also known for a long time that something like this was going to happen eventually.
“Just coffee, “Just a meeting,” “Just a play date,” “Maybe a sub,” “WOW!” I’m familiar with those phrases. I’m also familiar with “How do you feel about,” “Do you like,” and “I’m thinking about.” I’ve always voiced my opinion since my meltdown in June of this year. It was very “unlike me” to do that, but I was also taken seriously because I’ve never done that before, and I probably will never do it again. It was that meltdown that opened the door to the phrases I mentioned earlier in this paragraph.
A few weeks ago, I was given the “How do you feel about” in reference to more than one person for various reasons. I replied positively about most, but I also expressed some unease about a situation and gave various reasons why, including that I hate to see or hear about someone I love getting disappointed by something or someone. I have reserved the right to say “I told you so” in those matters, but instead I usually get “You were right” and that makes me feel good.
I’m glad I wrote about this. I feel more clear-headed about things now. If someone were to ask me about my feelings, I’d say that I’m okay. I don’t want or need reassurances right now, but if that changes, I promise I’ll say something.
I won’t lie: Yesterday, there was a (very) brief moment where a voice told me that I didn’t have a choice in the matter, and that might be true in a way, but what it didn’t say (and never says) is that I’m not any less important just because of the changes. I know where I stand. I know my place, I know my history, and I recognize my importance. What makes all this (my feelings and the events) funny is that I’ve had this conversation with both Stitch and Shilo at one point or another, regarding them and their status with me. The tables have turned a bit. The only difference is that I’m not left wondering why I can’t be “enough” because I know that reason. I have also known for a long time that something like this was going to happen eventually.
“Just coffee, “Just a meeting,” “Just a play date,” “Maybe a sub,” “WOW!” I’m familiar with those phrases. I’m also familiar with “How do you feel about,” “Do you like,” and “I’m thinking about.” I’ve always voiced my opinion since my meltdown in June of this year. It was very “unlike me” to do that, but I was also taken seriously because I’ve never done that before, and I probably will never do it again. It was that meltdown that opened the door to the phrases I mentioned earlier in this paragraph.
A few weeks ago, I was given the “How do you feel about” in reference to more than one person for various reasons. I replied positively about most, but I also expressed some unease about a situation and gave various reasons why, including that I hate to see or hear about someone I love getting disappointed by something or someone. I have reserved the right to say “I told you so” in those matters, but instead I usually get “You were right” and that makes me feel good.
I’m glad I wrote about this. I feel more clear-headed about things now. If someone were to ask me about my feelings, I’d say that I’m okay. I don’t want or need reassurances right now, but if that changes, I promise I’ll say something.
I'm not sure how to respond, Merry. Your post was simultaneously soul-baring and yet vague enough to leave me with a clear impression of the emotional end of what you are going through, but without a clear understanding of the causes. So while I empathize with the feelings, I don't feel able to offer any advice about the details. But like you wrote in the first sentence.....maybe just airing your thoughts in a discreet manner was what you were after?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, if you ever want to just "talk" you can always email me.
All the best!
Hi KD!
DeleteMany times you can get a better idea by looking at my labels, but since my boyfriend never visits here, I'll give it to you straight.
I think you probably remember that my boyfriend who is also poly, has been essentially unpartnered since May. Then an action on his part caused me to go ballistic and demand a negotiation and relationship agreement. That has gone really well. He discusses any dates he goes on after asking me if I want to know anything. He also discusses any women that I might know that he wants to date. Normally, I'm fine with it.
A few weeks ago, he discussed 3 different women. I told him that I felt the first one was a bit young and lacking maturity. (he disagreed, but only after going out with her, agreed with me) Woman #2 is someone I'm familiar with and I like, plus she's poly. I was absolutely giddy about woman #3 because I've known her since she first started attending events, and I just LOVE her.
Anyway, he showed up at my door on Wednesday, and told me that he FUCKED woman #2 on Christmas Eve! He also gave a few other details, and kept reassuring me that our relationship is intact, and it doesn't change his feelings for me (which is true, and I know it, and I've said the same thing to Stitch and Shilo over the years)
Anyway, in spite of reassurances and questions on how I'm feeling, I needed to process it all. What you read is me doing that. The original is on Fetlife which is why it appears vague. She didn't want him to tell anyone about it, but he explained to her that he HAD TO tell me.
My reaction to all that was Already???!!! It caught me off-guard, and even though I'm not angry, I'm left with lots of feelings. I really wish she would approach me and at least discuss things with me, because otherwise, it's going to affect my feelings towards her.
The End
Or rather, the end for now.
DeleteWow. Not being poly, I have always wondered about how things like this work in such open relationships. Thank you for sharing this so candidly. Now, after reading the "gory details" I'm somewhat still at a loss as to what to say. This is so far removed from anything in my own personal experience that I just feel completely unqualified to offer an opinion. Suffice to say, however, that I hope this all works out for the two of you.
ReplyDeleteDespite how things ended between Shilo and me, I am not vindictive towards him and especially not you.......so I genuinely hope you two can reach an emotionally-satisfying agreement on things going forward. Maybe it's just a matter of letting things play out?
All the best!
The boyfriend is acting a little weird now, and I really want to discuss it without making things more weird.
DeleteI suppose writing things out has a way of helping one clear one's head. If only a little. Still, better than none. I'm clueless here, but i do want to say I hope you feel better (and maybe clearer) after writing, and for what it's worth - Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to you as well!
DeleteI'm not very good at asking for things like time, so it's a constant internal struggle for me.
I guess my biggest struggle is that I'm wanting things, but I don't know how to verbalize it. In my relationship(s) with Shilo and Stitch, I'm the Dominant. My requests are treated like politely worded demands.
My Boyfriend is NOT submissive, and I'm not his submissive either. We are on equal grounding. It means I can ask, but it's not a guarantee I'll get it. Rejection (even for good reason) hurts, and because I'm afraid of that "no," I won't ask and, as a result, I suffer twice as much.
I will say that D/s and/or M/s relationships make poly easier, at least in my opinion.
me in past relationships - i'm not going to ask cos i don't wanna hear "no". i carried that over to this r/p with BIKSS> still weird asking - but it's getting easier.
Deletei suspect D/s and /or M/s makes EVERY relationship easier. *hugs*
And yet, you still do his laundry every week.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, I do! He's in Law School and is swamped with homework, and by doing his laundry for him, he has more time invest in studying. I'm investing in his future, and it will pay off on the long run. It also means when we get together. he has more time for fun stuff. It also means no running to the laundromat to do his bedding.
Delete