The End of an Era

Since about December 19, 2013, I've been an in home caregiver for my Mentor. He is a double amputee, no toes on his right foot, and a below the knee amputation on his left. He wears prosthetic devices on both sides, and gets along just fine without them, but he needs someone to clean up after him, do the laundry, and also take him shopping. It was my job to do those things. I enjoyed the laundry and errand running, and even making his bed, but the other stuff rarely gave me joy. He knew that, but I never once complained.  We talked about it a few times, including a discussion on how his roommate (ex-wife from ages ago) felt jealous of our relationship. I even told him I wouldn't mind if he found someone else to do those things, and I would continue to be his "errand girl."

At the end of April, he told me he had begun his search, and, when I came back from my trip to Springfield, he told me amusing stories about the people he interviewed. He rarely discussed it after that, and I didn't really ask until about three weeks ago. He smiled and said he found a woman who was "perfect" for the job, but she wasn't ready to commit. I figured he had forgotten about her when she didn't call him back a week later. When I arrived at his house yesterday, he was still in bed, which was unusual for him. Also unusual was that he wanted to "talk to me." For the record, I missed work on Monday because child #4 was in the ER because of seizures, so I figured that he was going to ask about that. I was wrong. After much chitchat about nothing, he told me that the other woman had called back and was starting Wednesday. Wednesday? As in next week? No, Wednesday, as in tomorrow (today/this) morning. I was floored, but kept it together. I told him I was going to miss seeing him so often and he agreed. Then he had me take him to the 99 cent only store and bought me candy, anfd then bought me lubch at Jack-in-the-Box. I think he felt guilty, and this was his way of trying to make it up to me. When we returned, his roommate was up and all smiles. I smiled back, put away the stuff he bought, and said goodbye.

It's important to note that I didn't whine, cry, or complain. I took it, with my head up, my eyes clear and I kept smiling. Well, as I drove home, the reality hit: I no longer have a job. No reason to get up in the morning, nothing to keep me going. No money to pay my bills. I'm in a world of shit! I really don't know what I'm going to do, and I'm sad. Not depressed sad. Just sad, as in unhappy. My thoughts go to "What am I gonna do now?"  I guess I'll need Shilo to give me direction, make up a "to do" list and hand it to me. I'm really in no shape to look for another job.  I mean, I gave up my nursing license, and being a caregiver is all I know. I haven't been gainfully employed since October 2001 (or was it 2000? I can't even remember now) Either way, I'm not even equipped to work a full-time job, and even part-time is doubtful. No employer will accept someone who can only work 5 hour days three days a week, and routinely calls off sick at the last minute at least once a month.  It's only worse when the SAD kicks in. Okay, maybe I'm obsessing a bit too much, but this is how my mind is processing it.

So, what did I do this morning? I woke up when Stitch woke up (5AM) and laid awake till 8:30, fell asleep until after Shilo got home (10:15?), and then ate and went back to bed with him. When I woke up in the afternoon, I took care of some things that had me bothered, including an accidental deletion of an account that I'd had since November. Fortunately, I had saved my writings, so I copied and pasted them into my new account. Then I started writing this, and had many interruptions, so it's been nearly 2 hours since I started. I guess I'm finished now. PUBLISH!