An Opinion, My Opinion? Doesn't Matter, Cause It's True!

This has been on my mind for a while. 

 

Shilo has a temper on him. He ALWAYS has. Most of the time, what he gets angry over is BS in my opinion, but SOMETIMES, he's right. And when he's right, I'll stand next to him and agree with him, and defend his reasoning.

 

In early February, he told me that other than my personal blogs, he was going on a commenting hiatus for a month.  I didn't question him, it's his prerogative, and I fully support him. When the middle of March rolled around, and he was still not commenting on any writing, other than to me personally, I asked him about it. He told me and showed me what had his "panties in a knot,"  I was floored by what I saw, and I agreed with his wisdom to not comment. Am I going to comment about the blog? I sure am! But here, because my allies come here, and can maybe give me feedback that's helpful and kind, and today I need helpful and kind.

 Shilo and myself often frequent blogs that are F/m DD blogs, written by various people who practice that lifestyle.  Some of these people are people that I consider to be my friends. We not only comment on what's been written, but also email each other on occasion. They have provided me with comfort through hard times, and if we were geographically closer, I'm sure we would hang out together and hug each other when times were rough, cause that's what friends do.

 

Some of these writers have become quite popular over the past 7 years, when we first began perusing these blogs, and one writer in particular has experience with BDSM much like we do, but unless it's brought up, we keep our BDSM out of the picture, cause that's a whole 'nother bag of chips.

There's also some writers who I have stopped reading altogether because they have gone off the deep end in my opinion, and I'm sure that Shilo has stopped as well. Shilo is highly intelligent, but when we first got together in a BDSM setting, eight long years ago, he knew nothing (and I mean NOTHING) about the BDSM lifestyle, other than the fact that he was a masochist, actually, a heavy masochist, that liked nothing more than being spanked. His desire was to be spanked by women, or a woman, but it's not easy for a man to find a woman who will spank him on a regular basis unless it's a pro-domme, especially if you're first starting out.  That led him to finding male spankers, most of whom were gay, to fulfill his needs and desires, even though he was, by his own admission, asexual, but that's a story for another day, and his to tell, not mine.

 

Now, within the BDSM community, and apparently the DD community, there are those who believe that women are superior to men, and I call bullshit on that! No one gender is better or smarter than the other, although, and I say this with a slight giggle, sometimes men do make bonehead moves because they can be "know-it-alls" who think they can master any task. Sorry, people, we all have our innate talents, and that's just how it is. 

 

NOW READ THIS:

 

NO GENDER IS SUPERIOR TO ANOTHER. WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN TALENTS AND ABILITIES!

 

Just because a couple practices F/m DD, it doesn't mean that the woman is infallible. Ideally, the relationship is mutually agreed upon, and rules are set. Well, there are some women who have started reading and commenting on one blog in particular written by a man talking about DD in his life, but also getting plenty of feedback by his readers where these women have written and decided that their husbands not only were forbidden from commenting, but also reading it! 

 

It sat wrong with Shilo, and rather than spewing vitriol, he opted to just back away (Good for you honey, cause it's far better to choose your battles) and these female CUNTs  (Cant Understand Normal Thinking) aren't worth the effort. Honestly, until he showed me, I had no idea how rabid these commenters had become. It's embarrassing, and now that I've read it myself, I have decided to just hold back on releasing my wrath and righteous anger at them. It's not like they would understand anyway. They're too far up their own asses to notice.

I guess I'm mostly upset because I feel this gentleman's writings would be helpful to men who are in a F/m DD relationship. I feel that knowing you aren't alone in your practices and that there are people in the same position as you who could provide support if needed is important, somewhere where you could ask questions and get answers from real people.

 

Surely, we can't be the only people who have seen these commenters and realized that the environment will become toxic if it continues unchecked. Sacrificing what you believe in for internet popularity is NOT worth it! Eventually, you'll lose the people who support and believe in you the most. So yeah, I've said it. The person I'm writing about is someone I've grown to like and respect, although he rarely comes here, but I'm pretty sure he'll hear about it.

What's REALLY been going on

I will start by saying that while Shilo is completely aware of what has been going on; or, at least as much as he wants to know, 2018 has definitely been a year of change for me, and it has taken me in a very unexpected direction. It's not necessarily bad, but it has, on occasion caused an upheaval within my Household, particularly when it comes to my husband Shilo. He has requested that I not discuss details with him, and so, Shilo, if you happen to be reading this, I ask that you stop now unless you have changed your mind regarding knowing details. Thank you my Husband, I Love you with all my heart.

Okay, for those of you left, it's no secret that my online presence has been sporadic for the past 6 months. Yes, I read you, but my replies, if any, rarely occur on the publishing date. Long story short, I've been away at least one weekend a month, and even when I'm home, I'm preoccupied.

So, What Is It Merry?

 

 

That would require us to go back quite a bit. If you go back to July 2017 through January 2018, you'll have a pretty clear view of how a really good polyamorous relationship can turn to shit in the blink of an eye. I was forced to learn to Love myself more, and when my ego took such a hard blow, and I was falling apart emotionally, I felt unlovable, and it was a struggle to get my head together. I simply wanted to hide and never attend another event ever again.  If it wasn't for my female friend helping me that fateful night in January (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-aftermath.html) my life would no doubt be a disaster right now. Instead, thanks to her insight, I am in a very happy relationship with her husband! I didn't stutter, Yes, on that night, she suggested that I "try out" a toy with her husband! Her husband didn't interest me at all, but the toy (a Sybian) did. They didn't have it that night, and they were both sick in February and March, so when April arrived, I went to the Munch they host, and talked to them about bringing it to the next dungeon party.

She suggested that I negotiate the scene with her husband before the party by email, so I spent 2 weeks emailing back and forth with her husband. At this point, I should mention that they are a Dominant/Dominant couple, and my interest was simply trying something I've always wanted to do. I should also mention that, yes, I am a Sadist, but I do have a masochistic side to me, and sometimes, it presents itself in the most unusual way.

Finally, the night arrived, and Shilo went with me so he could drive. It was the last time he set foot in a dungeon. He had told me the week before that he was no longer interested in a FLR-DD relationship, and he had no interest in funishment either. I wasn't concerned about it, because I figured I'd have the forced orgasm scene with my friend's husband, go home, and just forget about BDSM for a while. After all, I was still having issues from my accident, and we hadn't done much since my recovery anyway. No real loss, I thought.  (There I go thinking again!) The scene went okay, but I was a bit too intimidated by the noise and people, so I couldn't completely "let go" but I had quite a few quiet orgasms. I was definitely worked up, and I went over to hug him in thanks, and he whacked my ass with his big bear paw hands. It was enough to flip a switch in my brain. Let's say that I was hooked, but I didn't know it yet. I was giggling and having fun. Then I saw his face. He was smiling! Laughing, even! In all my time knowing him, he was serious and standoffish.  I guess a switch flipped for him as well.

I didn't even realize that we had chemistry at that moment, but it was developing, and within the course of a month, he won my heart. My friend, his wife, was happy until she saw the change. What change? Well, let's just say that while I'm no less a Dominant/Mistress in my household, I became increasingly submissive (dare I say, slavish?) towards her husband. In fact, I am his slave. What can I say? It crept up on me, and as my Love for him has increased, I've become even more devoted to him in that way. While Stitch (my long-term Partner) is thrilled, Shilo has done his best to be happy for me, but it's been a struggle for him to watch. Knowing that not only have I become a slave to this man, but I'm in Love with him, and because he doesn't want the details, his imagination is carrying him into some heavy-duty scenarios. I could reassure Shilo that there's been no intercourse (yet) and that there's very little (if any) spanking me involved, but I doubt that will completely reassure him. Besides, he refuses to listen to any details. All he knows is that we are really into each other, and I spend at least one weekend a month with him (and his wife, although there's nothing going on between her and myself. ::shudders::) plus I see him every Friday night for a few hours.

So... Here I am, a full time Dominant, Mistress and slave. It's not nearly as contradictory as it sounds, and I have found a balance and Peace of mind beyond what I ever imagined.

So, now that you are all armed with that information, feel free to ask any questions.

(Almost) 5 Months Post Polyamory Agreement and Other Events.

I know, I rarely post here, but I figured it was time for me to update on my boyfriend (Mike) and how our relationship is going post agreement.

Mike has had several starts and stops with female subs, including one I was excited about finally meeting. He used the "L" word (Love) with her, and she panicked and ended it. Apparently she wanted just sex, in spite of claiming that she was polyamorous. Not a good match!

For most of July (and part of August) before he went back to school (He's in his second year of Law School at a college in OC) his communication was sporadic, and I knew he had lots of things on his mind, so I didn't make an issue about it, choosing instead to initiate conversation and not complaining. That first Saturday after school started, we were texting back and forth, and he was telling me that weekend homework was bad enough, but doing laundry in the tiny apartment washers and taking his bedding to the cleaners because of the tiny washers was killing him. A light bulb went on in my head.  I said "Honey, that's just too much! How about if I help you? You can drop off your laundry here and pick it up at your convenience? I have a HUGE washer and dryer." He hesitated, but I added "Nobody will complain."  I just viewed it as an additional way to see him at least twice a week, and he would have to communicate with me on a regular basis. 

It's worked out really well. Sometimes it's a quick drop off and pickup, and other times he plans a nice date with me on the drop off day. On the Sunday before Halloween he took me to Magic Mountain with him! I've been eating delicious vegan food as well, because when he takes me out, it's always vegan. He said he doesn't mind me eating meat, but I enjoy the adventure of trying new things. I have only had one bad experience with vegan food, and it was when he made vegan pizza for me. Pizza isn't my favorite food to begin with, so after that, I just told him that pizza and I don't get along very well.

We were texting back and forth Tuesday (11-7) afternoon, and he mentioned how happy he was with our relationship. Then I dropped the bomb that I was thisclose to ending things with him before we made a formal agreement because I was feeling like I was just an option to him, and not a priority at all. He would  rarely contact me, and our dates (when we had them) were rushed and/or he was distracted. Now when we go out, he's always as focused on me as much as I'm focused on him. He holds my hand when we cross the street, and he smiles and laughs. It's just really good to be in that space with him.

In other news, the submissive I was "considering" considering wasn't communicating with me very often, in spite of my encouragement. It was frustrating, and it reached a boiling point when at noon the day before my Magic Mountain trip, he sent me a message asking me why I didn't tell him where we were going that evening. I told him we weren't going anywhere because he never bothered to contact me about buying tickets, so I made plans to sit at home and watch shows that were accumulating on my DVR. I gave him a few days to think that over, and then I made a last-minute dinner date with him, and then asked him to join us (Shilo and myself) in attending a dungeon party. During that date, I reminded him that maintaining our relationship was his responsibility because I'm not going to pursue him. I told him that yes, I was very interested in him, but I need to feel desired, and if I'm the one to always make contact, then something is lacking. It's gotten better since that talk last week and our dungeon date went well. I sent him a text yesterday afternoon asking him if he was free this weekend, and he was very enthusiastic.

Friday (11-10) is Shilo's Birthday (he'll be 61!) and we haven't made any definite plans because he's been sick this week. 

Finally, my honesty about who I am and what I do, and how I live seems to be paying off, even in "Lake Vanilla" AKA Vanilla dating sites (OKC) I've been ignoring my stuff there for a few months, but I got a very nice detailed message last week from a recent NY transplant. I quizzed him on my profile content and his opinion on it, and I suggested that he ask me anything he isn't sure about. We had a late lunch yesterday, and he's genuinely nice. Not holding my breath, but having someone who who only wants to go out with no expectations is a breath of fresh air.

If you're curious about my dating profile, you can find it below:

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/freenpoly

For My Loving Stalker

You! You know who you are. You were so shy and timid when we met. Apologizing for everything to the point where you made me crazy. You told me all about your hopes and desires. Then one day, without warning, you disappeared.

Maybe a year later, I received a one word text:

sorry

It was you! We went back and forth again, and you disappeared once more. Never to return (or so I thought)

Then, about a week ago, I received the following email:

Hi Mistress Merry, 

It has been awhile. I hope you haven't forgotten me. We met awhile back like 2014.

I ran into your musings blog and found them very insightful.

I wanted to see how you were doing you.  Hope you, Shilo and Stitch are doing great.

Miss you.

I replied back:

2014? That was a lifetime ago! I can barely remember what I had for dinner last week. 

Please don't take it personally. I just don't recall meeting a (name redacted). Maybe you could tell me where we met, and hopefully it will jog my memory. 

Everyone in my Household is well, and thank you for asking. There's been a few changes, but most of them are good. 

Then you wrote back and gave me the missing details. I was happy, proud even, because not once did you apologize. I felt you had gained some maturity. I even mentioned it. Then, at one point during our back and forth, you did it. You apologized! To me! Because I was slow in responding, and you thought you had offended me!

An undeserved or unnecessary apology is probably the most offensive thing you could offer or say to me. A well-deserved apology is always appreciated, but I will tell you when one is necessary. I prefer blunt honesty, because while it might hurt at the moment, in the long run, it's helpful. 

You will be held responsible for what you say or do, and even if you do the wrong thing, an apology isn't necessarily in order, but an acknowledgement of the misdeed is.

I prefer to dole out discipline over hearing an apology, but I will occasionally expect both. To make things easier for everyone, I have a few points to share with you. Read them, and understand them.

The following is a Fet Blog entry read it and understand it:

I'm a Dominant. That means that, like it or not, I get to decide if I want you around me, my Household, my Pack, my chosen Family. It means, in my Household, at least, I get to choose your position. Are you an Alpha male? Well, I get to decide that. Trying to find my favor and usurping authority does not go over well. My Household has a hierarchy. You can be Beta, Omega, or somewhere in between, but I chose the Alpha male. He has earned that spot.

 

If or when I invite you to be a part of my Household, I will give you my rules for all household members. I will be patient and kind in explaining what I expect, and how I want things done. I will correct you the first few times you make an error, but I will expect you to remember them. I might even go behind you and do things the way I want them done. I expect you to notice and learn. I expect no argument as to why you think your way is better. In fact, arguing will not be tolerated. Discussions are welcome.

I do my best to be fair and equal and I give options whenever possible. Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. Do not, even for a moment, think you will get away with shit. I keep track. I listen, and I know. I have a breaking point, and you will have time to get your shit in order. I might surprise you, but it's only because you didn't listen or heed the warnings that were liberally given.

Don't point fingers at the others. Don't disrespect them. They have the same rules as you. Let this serve as a warning to those who follow your footsteps. It's too late for one, but there will be others, and they will be wise to learn from your mistakes.

And here is yet another helpful blog entry from Fet:

A Lesson

 

Early in a relationship, I will often assign small tasks to complete with a 24 or 48 hour deadline. Most of them are writing related, and something anyone can complete in about an hour. (Unless you type like me, then it's a 3 hour struggle) When I make this politely stated request, it is a DEMAND. I expect it to be done within that deadline. There are no excuses, no negotiating. I want it done.

New subs often freak out, and over-think these assignments because they want to make a perfect presentation. The truth is, I don't expect a perfect presentation. I don't even want a perfect presentation. I want to see the flaws. I want to see the imperfections. I want to see them as they really are, and not some college-level paper.

I won't tell a sub this, because I want to see how they process the request. I want to see if they can follow simple directions and what happens when I give them something low-pressure that might appear to be high pressure. I want to see if they will simply do as they are told, or make excuses. I want to "separate the wheat from the chaff." These things are what shows me if a submissive is ready to serve me, or is self-serving.

The Truth is, I don't want to see anyone fail with me, because then it becomes my fault. My failure. It means I made the error of choosing someone incapable of serving me.

Please understand: I know I'm imperfect and I make mistakes. I'm human, I get it! However, I have made so many terrible, nay, horrible decisions regarding people (mostly men) in my life that it's cringe-worthy. It's why I made all these rules regarding my polyamory practices. It's to save me from myself. It's to prevent an upheaval of the people closest to me. My Pack, my Family, my Household has the people most important to me. They are the ones who are most affected by my decisions, whether they are good or bad. They are the ones who get hurt more than me in those instances. I don't want to spend any more time repairing those relationships. So... after my last (HUGE) mistake, I'm making sure that I carefully screen the ones I allow to get close to me.

So, those requests with deadlines? If you want to serve me, if you want to 'prove' you're ready to be my submissive, get them done by the deadline, because if you don't, or you try to negotiate this non-negotiable thing, all you will do is end what could be a wonderful thing, and prove that you aren't ready to be my submissive. CHOOSE WISELY!

And, Finally, this one:

Note To A Submissive Male

Soo... I somehow managed to charm you in some way, and you find me to be delightful. I appreciate that, I really do, but it always catches me by surprise, and I find myself wondering “Why me? There's nothing special about me. After all, I'm just myself.” I guess me being me is a good thing, although I often find myself comparing myself to others. You know.. the younger prettier ones with their nice bodies, firm breasts and perfect asses. I was like them once, a very long time ago. I guess age and experience trumps a young pretty face. Maybe I possess that undefinable 'it factor.' Maybe I need to stop worrying about it, and just enjoy it. Either way, you want me, and I have you. Now I just have to enjoy you.

I could tell you I'm not like the others, but you already know that. I could tell you I'm not for everybody, that I'm an acquired taste, but you know that too. I could tell you I'll twist your mind, turn you inside out, and make you dependent on me, but I honestly believe that is what you're secretly hoping for. So, what's my secret? There is none. I'll look you in the eye and tell you about myself, show you my flaws, and pour myself out to you. I'll tell you the painful truth, and I'll expect the same from you.

I will push you and take you places you never imagined. I will show you my complete self, and I won't apologize for being me, but I will apologize for my mistakes, and, trust me, I make mistakes. I learn from them too. I have rules, I prefer that you follow them, and don't push my patience level. I have a low tolerance for brats. Even so, I don't let go and release people easily. I'm not good at ending things. Don't try me, don't push me. You won't like me if you do.

You will never be my 'one and only' but you are my only you, and I like you like that. Don't try to be someone else. Try not to be jealous of Shilo or Stitch. They live with me, They see me at my worst. They've taken care of me when I was sick and unbearable. Ask yourself if that's what you want. It's true, you will eventually witness me in a bad state, but there's no need to rush into it.

I will tell you as much as I know at any given time, but believe me when I tell you that it's not everything. I am unable to remember it all, so when I casually mention something you never heard me say before, don't be surprised or hurt. Instead, chalk it up to my faulty memory. I'll never purposely hide something from you. I have nothing to hide.

Maybe some time in the future, I'll allow you into my life completely, but in the meantime, please enjoy me, Ask me questions and learn from me, but don't challenge me unless you want a way out. Know that I'm writing this so you'll know. Try to be happy, and don't over-think things.

The adventure awaits you!

Now, my dear Loving Stalker, Do you understand what is necessary, and do you think you're up for it?

Pay No Attention To The Men Behind The Curtain!

I'm considering "considering" a submissive. I've decided to take this slowly and see if he's really up to serving me, and I have no desire to rush things. He's recently divorced, and sometimes I feel as if he wants romance. Romance can be nice, but it's not what I want right now. I've spoken in a very straightforward way about this. I'm not fond of breaking hearts, so I have been honest to a fault. He's even met Shilo, and is completely aware of what he's getting into. Still, I am taking this painfully slow.

Strangely enough, my boyfriend is dating someone new, a polyamorous female submissive, and things are progressing well. I'm looking forward to meeting her, and I plan on working hard to not make comparisons. I'm glad he's seeing someone, because he actually seems happy, and I recall how unhappy he was just a few months ago.

Then, over the weekend, I received an email from someone who knows me well enough to call me "Mistress Merry" and he made references to Stitch and Shilo as well. It was slightly unnerving, because I didn't recognize the name, so I explained that I didn't recognize his name. Fortunately, he gave me his middle name and I remembered him.  It was actually someone that liked both Shilo and myself, and was interested in serving a couple, and liked the idea of being part of a "harem"  (his words, not mine) I'm actually thinking of taking him up on his offer and putting him to work around the house. I could use an escort/driver to weekday evening activities, and he would be perfect. Maybe I can start  doing fun weekday stuff after all...

So yeah, there are men behind the curtain, but for now, pay no attention.

Not All Bad

Just in case anyone has misinterpreted my recent writings, things aren't bad. I do have periods of anxiety and occasionally feel removed, but I like to think of it as a coping mechanism that I use to get through the temporary insanity around me.


For the past week, I've been using my left arm to paddle Shilo's ass to a lovely shade of bright pink twice a day with few exceptions. My control of the heavy paddles is getting so good that I'm considering pulling the canes out for action this weekend.


I made an appointment with my piercer to remove most of my jewelry on Saturday evening in preparation for Sunday's MRI. Also, Shilo won't have to miss football on Sunday after all. My boyfriend and his girlfriend generously offered to take me for my exam, so it's one less worry. It's been a LONG time since I saw his girlfriend, so I'm really excited.


It also looks like Stitch found someone to handle the necessary gardening on Saturday afternoon, so one less worry. It's all kind of falling into place. Now I just need to get my sleep schedule back on track. It's nearly 3:30AM PST and I'm still awake!

Uninspired or Unfocused?

We've almost made it through the first month of 2017. I'm sitting here wondering if I'm uninspired by my life as it is, or simply unfocused. Don't get me wrong, plenty of stuff is going on, whether outwardly or behind the scenes, and unless I put it here, it simply goes into my (rapidly fading) memories. I'm not feeling a sense of urgency to talk or even write about stuff that mostly makes sense if you are present in the moment. I could twist it into funny anecdotes, even kinky anecdotes, but why bother? Apathetic is a good word for this. I've reached homeostasis in my life. Every system is predictable. Just where it should be. My "road" isn't "bumpy", it's paved and straight as far as the eye can see. There are a few places coming up where I might turn, like an interesting looking diner or two with an unknown menu, but even though they are getting closer, I'm not feeling the urgency that I normally would. Don't let the calm demeanor fool you. I'm totally out of control. It's a self driving car, and I'm snugly buckled up in the passenger seat. I can yell STOP!!! all I want to, but it's not like it's going to stop just because I want it to.


Since I can't quite tell you where I'm going, I'll share where I've been. January 16th, I saw my Ortho doctor using my new insurance plan. He ordered New PT because my new coverage didn't cover my old PT. He also ordered an MRI. Neither of them are things I'm looking forward to. I got a call Friday to (finally!) set up those appointments. Because I'm physically unable to drive (trust me, I tried and I frightened myself!) I have to depend on Shilo, and his schedule (graves) affects when I can go anywhere, and if you keep in mind that I have his time limits, plus the ones imposed by the places I need to be seen, it's a scheduling nightmare. My MRI is on Sunday the 5th. I use google calendar, so I put it in and sent Shilo (who was dead asleep) an email. He neglected to write Superbowl on that day, so I forgot. 6 hours later, he asked me why I would plan something on Superbowl Sunday. Maybe because it wasn't on the calendar? I'm not a mind reader, and every day melts into every other day unless I schedule something. I only know it's Saturday or Sunday because Stitch is here, and there's the Wednesday alarm to move the car for street cleaning, and Thursday to unlock the gate so the pool can get cleaned. A few weeks ago, when Shilo had the plague, I moved the car. That convinced me once and for all that I cannot drive the car. The Super Bowl can get recorded on the DVR. Problem solved! The next day, I get my new PT assessment. A week later (2-13) I see the Ortho doctor again to discuss my options in detail. Am I the only one who is disturbed that it will have been 4 weeks since he ordered everything until I see him again? Or, rather, that I had to wait 3 weeks for everything to be taken care of? Then I remind myself that my copay is only $10, so maybe I have no right to complain. Driverless car, here I go!


I also saw my GP last week on Monday (1-23) for a routine appointment to check my labs (blood sugar and A1c) and as I've said before, I dropped about 40 pounds since my accident, so he couldn't say I've been misbehaving, but I also know that I'm not taking my metformin the way I'm supposed to (once a day instead of twice) so I told him that before he could even discuss the numbers with me, my numbers, in case you're wondering, were good. Right where he wants them, and my blood pressure is good as well. I was almost breathing that sigh of relief when he asked about my frozen shoulder and how that was progressing (going nowhere fast crossed my mind) and I told him I was off the opiates and NSAID's for pain. I was going to leave it at that, but Shilo asked me if I was going to "come clean". I smiled tersely at Shilo, and told my doctor about using edibles, which turned into a discussion about CBD's, THC and smoking. He asked me if I get high, and I told him that I have no pain, but never feel high. Thankfully, Shilo said nothing about that one episode. I'd rather forget it if I could. Live and learn. It turns out that my doctor is very open-minded about the benefits of medical marijuana, and he said it was better than me taking pain medications every 4 hours around the clock.


I haven't had that discussion with my Ortho doctor, and I'm avoiding it if possible. He seems rather old-fashioned, and having that discussion might prevent me from having the treatments I need. We'll see what happens in February.


The House I live in has been sold. The company that purchased it is working with us to assist us in relocating. Shilo has been handling business, so I'm only told what I need to know. I've been really calm about this since I found out a few weeks ago, It's easy to be calm when you realize everything going on around you is completely out of your control. I'm still the Dominant, Mistress, and Head of Household, but my job is to heal and make decisions if necessary, and the decisions are being made for us. I'm strangely removed from all this. Saying "Okay" has become second nature. I'm being taken care of. No panic, just waiting for it to come.


Speaking of being removed, there was an upheaval where I receive my mental health care. In the past year, I've had 3 changes in therapists/psychiatrists. Normally, changes would put me in a tailspin, but with the way 2016 was, it barely registered with me. Other than my long-term doctor retiring in January last year, I never really formed an attachment with any of the people. I mean, how could I even begin to trust someone who might not be around the next time I had an appointment? In December, I was given what will hopefully be a permanent doctor. I saw him yesterday for the second time, and while he's not unpleasant, all he wants to know is if I need refills on my antidepressant. I spent less than 10 minutes in his office which was long enough for me to tell him I was fine on the antidepressants, the house was sold, and I felt oddly removed from it all, but I wasn't depressed. He seemed satisfied and reminded me to make an appointment on my way out. He seems even more removed than I feel. It would be a lie for me to say I don't care, because I do, but not enough for me to make a scene in a mostly unoccupied Mental Health Clinic. I did think to tell him that I've been on the same medication since 1997, and that it works, and that if I ever have a problem, I'll call him, so please if I call for him to realize it's serious. He barely glanced at me, but at least he pronounces my unusual name correctly, so I can't complain. ::YAWN::

OTHER STUFF

I really am mostly pain free with the edibles, although because I have a really sharp sense of smell, I'll tell you that I reek of pot, but I'm the only one who can smell it. My right arm movement is limited, but I've mastered the use of using paddles with my left arm, and Shilo is back to receiving funishment spankings. We even filmed over the weekend. A friend cut my hair last week, so now I can do almost all my hair care with minimal assistance. When I showered Monday morning, other than the shampooing, I stood up and did it without asking for help to get scrubbed. The chair is in there if I need it, but I'm trying to be as independent as possible. I also attended the munch in Lake Forest this past Friday night. My kink activities will be limited to weekends until I'm able to drive again, or deemed "recovered" whichever comes first, but I'm not holding my breath.


I also spent Saturday going through all the things I inherited from Daddy W. His ex-wife brought it to me a week after he died, but I was in so much pain then that I barely remember what I had been given. I guess she kept his knife collection, but I have his paddles, favorite floggers, a neon wand, and other goodies.


I guess I'm inspired and focused after all. It's just that I am in a position where I'm not in the driver's seat, and there's someone driving for me, but the driver changes frequently. Insurance company, Ortho doctor, GP, Shilo, the real estate people. Yadda yadda, yadda...


Also, because I know they will see this, I miss my boyfriend and his girlfriend. Hugs and kisses to them!

Progress Report and Insurance Woes

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Let's start with the Insurance. Calling it "Insurance woes" isn't exactly right, but it's easier to write than Insurance confusion. Go far enough back in my writing, and you'll discover nearly everything about my annoying preexisting medical conditions (diabetes, sleep apnea and others) You'll also find out about my accident in late July, and all the resulting problems and complications. 2016 wasn't kind, and I'm truly hoping for a better 2017 in spite of how much of the problems from 2016 have followed me into 2017.


Let's go back to that pesky medical insurance. My PT was ordered by the Orthopedic Specialist in hopes that my frozen shoulder (a result of my right humerus being broken in TWO places and a complication related to my diabetes) would improve. Every visit to the Orthopedic Specialist or PT cost us (the Household) $60. I was supposed to go to PT three times a week, and I saw the Orthopedic Specialist around five times last year. You can do the math. Well, when I went to my first PT appointment, my Physical Therapist looked at my copay, and reduced my appointments to once a week. Still, this meant that Shilo had to take on extra shifts at work to fund this. He didn't mind, because my health was always a priority for him, and he walked into our relationship knowing full well about my health at that time. I was actually going into liver failure at the time due to NAFLD. (http://www.liverfoundation.org/abouttheliver/info/nafld/) I hadn't been diagnosed with diabetes yet, that came as a surprise later. Let's just say he knew everything, and he accepted me and all my baggage, including my 5 adult children and Stitch. Anyway, you get the picture. The cost of my 4 prescriptions a month ($180) and CPAP supplies ($600 a year) and that's just me. I went from being self-sufficient to a burden overnight due to my accident. Visits to my GP were another $40, and I went about 4 times last year. Then there were the ambulance and ER charges etc. from the accident (too much to quote here) Fortunately those last charges were billed, so it wasn't straight out of pocket at the moment. We'll be paying that off for years to come.


We've established that even with medical insurance, I'm expensive. I had also become a burden, because I lost my independence. I needed help using the bathroom, eating, dressing, bathing, hair care, Everything. Neither Stitch or Shilo complained, even when things got ugly. They preserved my dignity as much as possible, cleaning me as often as I needed, dressing me up, and Shilo drove me wherever I needed to go. All with minimal complaint. Fortunately, due to the PT, I can now take care of nearly everything independently, except I still need my hair washed, and the occasional help getting dressed and putting on shoes and socks. I can't scrub my back using the brush without help and I have a long way to go. More on that later...


So, in November, in the midst of all this confusion, Stitch was given the opportunity to add me to his new Medical Insurance with no extra cost to him. The best news was that ALL doctor/medical visits would only cost $10 effective January 2017. Even the cost of my medication would go down to just over $20 month for all of them! At one point, my medication was costing us $180 a month. This was a reason to celebrate!


So, Monday morning was my final PT appointment before I see my Orthopedic Specialist on Monday morning next week. I was so excited about having to only pay $10 instead of the usual $60. Well... until I was told my new insurance didn't cover the PT provider because it was out of network. Fortunately, I still have the other coverage for another month, so I was able to pay $60 and get my final appointment and assessment. I need the surgery (DUH!!!) because my Range of Motion is still lacking in many areas. I could originally lift my arm straight up to 90 degrees, and now it's up to 115 degrees, so that's a huge improvement for me, but it means I can't reach above my head with my right arm, and I'm too young to be this limited. Also, my right elbow can't flex outwards at all, and trying makes me cry. Nevermind that any BDSM play is next to impossible if I use my right arm.


Well, after the news about my PT provider being out of network, I realized that there might be further problems, because my Orthopedic Specialist might not be in my network either. I tried the website, but it was increasingly frustrating for me, so I gave in and called and spoke to Customer Service. The first option was to see if I could get Continuity of care. NOPE! Next step was to see if the new insurance had my soon to be ending HMO available. Another NOPE! The final option was to see if they had any HMO available with my PCP and Orthopedic Specialist in the same network. YES!!! All this confusion took only 20 minutes to solve, but I felt like it had taken much longer. I called there on the verge of tears, but the Representative was so polite and patient with me that I soon relaxed, because for the first time in quite a while, I felt like this woman cared about my medical concerns. I was the priority, not the Insurance Provider.


My next step was to call my PCP and tell them about my new Insurance coverage and request an expedited referral to my current Orthopedic Specialist because of my new Insurance. It had to be expedited due to my appointment being in a week. My next step was to call my CPAP company and change to my new Insurance info, and order supplies. I'm not sure how much my coverage is, but my previous insurance didn't cover my supplies. I'll find out how much the coverage is when my supplies arrive.


I know that this isn't kinky in any way, but once I'm all better and healed, I'll be able to do all sorts of kinky things, and there's nothing kinkier than a woman who can do everything for herself.


Things are looking better and even though surgery will be necessary, and many more months of PT, I won't be such a financial burden on my Household, and that's the best I can ask for right now.

(3-21-16) Twelve Days Post Bone Marrow Transplant

I held off on writing this in hopes that I'd have good news, and everything would be neatly packaged.  I temporarily forgot what a cruel sadistic bitch cancer can be. I'm not wanting to be "Doom and Gloom" either. Still, the truth/the facts need to be shared, if only so I can relieve myself of the burden that I'm carrying. I'll also do my best to share some of the brighter moments in my life here because I want my readers to know that I do have a few good things going on. If this seems jumbled at times, please understand that I'm running on empty and I really should be in bed. Speaking of bed, I'll start with the good news that my long-awaited CPAP supplies arrived this week. My tubing was full of holes thanks to one of the cats, and I couldn't breathe. I've managed to sleep really well since receiving the supplies 3 days ago. The only "bad" news is that they are no longer completely covered under my new medical insurance and I had to fork over 20%. Still better than paying full price!

Bone Marrow Donation Day 1 (3-8)

Up before the buttcrack of dawn (4:15AM) to pick Shilo up from work in Hollywood, then drive home to Long Beach, get Daniel out of bed, feed him 2 bananas (for the potassium) and have him take 5000 mg of calcium in addition to all his other medications and a light breakfast and get him to City of Hope at 7:45. Naturally, the traffic wasn't cooperating, and I was having a hissy fit. Still, we got there in time, and Daniel managed to put up with the IV's in both arms. One to remove the blood and stem cells, the other to return the blood, calcium, and saline solution. Once he was settled (an hour later) I took a walk to the cafeteria building and grabbed breakfast (scrambled eggs crisp bacon and oj) As I walked back to the building where Daniel was, I got a call from my girlfriend telling me she had arrived and was waiting for me. It took everything I had for me to not let go and just cry. She spent most of the day with me, and even went to visit Jonathan. She also drove me to Smart & Final so I could get a large box of "Cup of Soup" for Jonathan because he was having difficulty swallowing and couldn't hold down any food. She had an appointment later in the afternoon, so she left early, but she was with me when I really needed someone, and I'm still trying to figure out how to show my gratitude to her.  "Pay it forward" I guess.  After his 8 hours was up, I fed Daniel and then we went up to see Jonathan.  Yes, I was (justifiably) worried, and he was surprised when I told him that we'd be back in the morning so Daniel could donate more. The way it was explained to me is that because Jonathan is bigger and outweighs (or outweighed) Daniel at that time that he'd need more than what could be donated in an 8 hour period. The drive home was uneventful, but as soon as I got home, I had to drive Shilo back to work. I got home at 8PM and was asleep by 8:30.

Bone Marrow Donation Day 2 (3-9)

 Up at the buttcrack of dawn (5:45AM) and pretty much repeated the previous morning except the traffic was better, and I felt a little more confident and relaxed than the previous morning. I also knew that my girlfriend wasn't going to be with me until the afternoon, and that she would have her Dominant in tow as well. Since my stress level was low, I was actually able to enjoy the day and I visited Jonathan at lunchtime so he could get me food (at his insistence) and by the time I got back, my friends had arrived.  We had a relaxing conversation and when Daniel was finished, we all went to visit Jonathan to wait for the bone marrow transplant. They stayed for just a little while, but Jonathan's face lit up when he saw them, and, in turn, it made me happy.

The Bone Marrow Transplant (3-9) and Aftermath

The transplant was actually much less intense and exciting than I thought it would be. The oncologist came in and talked to us (including Jonathan's girlfriend) about how it is done (the same as a blood transfusion)and signs to look for.  Halfway through the first bag, I took Daniel home so he could recover from the excitement from the past two days. I woke up briefly at 8AM and gave Daniel his meds, and then slept until around 3PM. When I called Jonathan, he was very weak and sick feeling.

The Days Following

Because he was feeling so bad, I held off on calling Jonathan directly (I called the nursing station instead) until Saturday afternoon (3-12) and I told him I'd be there Sunday at 4:30. My ex-husband was leaving as I arrived, so I said a brief "hello" as he walked out. By this time, Jonathan had gone 2 weeks without adequate nutrition due to the vomiting, and the oncologist explained that he would be giving Jonathan the necessary nutrients via his IV.

The Past Week

I knew that Jonathan was feeling rotten, so I only called him and spoke to him twice. I took Daniel with me yesterday (3-20) and we arrived at 4:30 and stayed an hour with him. The change in the past week is remarkable (and not in a good way)  Jonathan is VERY sick, unable to eat anything. He's getting nutrients via IV to keep him alive, and he had a platelet transfusion early Sunday morning, and he will get another PLUS a regular blood transfusion early this morning (about 3AM)

Ask me if I'm worried? Well, a little bit. He hasn't been able to eat and hold down regular food for 3 weeks, and if he gets out of bed, he vomits. For the first time since his original diagnosis in October (5 months ago) he talked to me about dying, only this time instead of crying and saying he didn't want to die, he spoke about it in a very matter of fact way. I can't even express how much it disturbed me.  He also told me that he's tired of most people and that he was glad I didn't call him every day because all he wants to do is sleep. I told him that I will visit him every Sunday at 4:30 because it's the most convenient day for both of us.

My Thoughts

I'm thinking of meeting up with my ex-husband later in the week (after Wednesday) and discussing my concerns with him. I realize it won't change anything, but I think in this case, we really need to present a united front. I don't think he understands just how serious this is. I'm wondering if Jonathan made arrangements for when he dies (I mean, we're all going to die eventually) and I'm not even sure how to approach it. Parents shouldn't even have to think about stuff like this. Still, with Jonathan failing and his attitude, I have no choice but to consider this.

The Bright Side

Yes, there's a bright side! There is a good chance that this is temporary and Jonathan could get through this hell in the next few weeks and even have a full recovery. This is "just" a waiting game while his body adjusts to (yet another) change.

I saw my (new) Therapist/Doctor on Friday and I'm down to 201 lbs. I'm not dieting or starving myself, but I've changed what and how often I eat, and it's paying off. I really dislike changing Therapists, but my last one retired in January. Maybe the discomfort is related to having to open up to someone new. I don't hide my lifestyle, and sometimes they can be unintentionally judgey. Her only questions were about jealousy and/or abuse. I think I answered her concerns to her satisfaction.

Finally, Daniel hasn't had any issues/side effects from giving his donation, so he will be going home tomorrow (Tuesday) night. I think the past 3 weeks have been difficult on him because he misses his school. Also, in the remote possibility he has to do this again, he won't have to stay with me so long. We were extra-cautious because of his seizure disorder, but since it was so easy, we won't be as worried.

Now I can go to bed.

Kinky

Something's happened. Something's changed. It's left me with very mixed emotions.

Looking back, this is probably the last thing I could have imagined. I acknowledge that I'm constantly learning and evolving/changing. The changes of the past 6 months have more to do with it than I imagined, and I've been helpless to fix or change most of it. Deaths, illness, accidents and disasters. I've been living it.People have generously offered to help me, but I honestly didn't/don't know what kind of help I need. Medical bills have piled up, and I don't like feeling like I owe people money. Never mind the utility bills as well. Between my 911 heart attack scare that included an ambulance ride, Shilo falling and breaking his ankle on the way up to a local dungeon in October that still hasn't properly healed, and my fall that included broken ribs that still hurt, I'm not in very good physical condition. However, I have managed to lose a few pounds. Still, feeling sexy/sexual/desired has gone out the window. The nearly constant discomfort coupled with a lack of desire has affected me.

I don't want anyone feeling sad or sorry for me, and I don't want sympathy either. I just want to do an emotional dump because it's overdue.

Soo... Back to kinky. Kinky has gone out the window. Actively participating in BDSM with Shilo and occasionally Stitch did something for me. I felt alive and we all enjoyed ourselves. I don't feel that any more. I don't feel vanilla either. It's like I'm just existing, waiting for something. So, imagine my excitement when Shilo hinted that he was feeling well enough fora disciplinary session last week. It was heavy on my mind, and we discussed it in depth this morning as I drove him home from work. I picked out a few implements and did my best, watching his pale soft skin turn a bright blood-red color, I checked in with him often, and the look of satisfaction on his face was nice, but all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.

It leaves me asking where Mistress Merry went.  No gleeful laughter on my part, and I didn't demand anything either. FUCK!!! Who is this that took over my body and emotions anyway? She's not much fun! Did I hear someone in the audience ask if I wanted to try submitting? No, I definitely don't want that! Been there many years ago. It's not for me. No, I just want the old me back.

If you happen to see her, can you please tell her I want her to return? Thank you!

Shilo

This is written to give him a "heads up," but I'm sure that it might be entertaining for others as well...

Over the past few days, Shilo and I have been discussing BDSM structures, Female Led Domestic Discipline, Relationships, polyamory, and whole bunch of other things. All of them are heavy-duty, and they all relate directly to us, our marriage, our relationship, and our Household. Some things, Shilo has even dared to write in his journal, and a few of his opinions expressed are quite controversial. Still, those are his opinions, and he's allowed to express them. I know he wrote some things to elicit a response from me, and instead, I chose not to respond to those remarks. He wrote some things he feels about our relationship and how he views them. How a person views something and how they are can be two different things. I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing with those things at this point. I'm just putting it out there that I read it and took it all in.

So, what does this really mean? It means that I may or may not agree with his stated opinions, depending on what they are. What he wrote about his views on our relationship has some similarities to how it is for us as I see it, but, again, not all. I will say that his health issues have caused a 'shift' in our relationship, and if you add the fiasco about Sherman to it, you can say that the past 13 or so months have had a HUGE effect on where we are now at this moment. While there have been negative effects, there also have been positive, and the positive outweighs the negative. We're exploring, and with our explorations, we've learned new truths about ourselves and each other. We've broken down much of the "smoke and mirrors" and see some things clearly. Both of us have become strengthened and hurt by these revelations.

What's important to know is that at the end of the day, this all relates to us. My relationship with Shilo. It has  almost no effect on how I am with others. the give and take part is different, but it doesn't make me any less Merry, and it doesn't make him any less Shilo. How we relate and react to each other, not the outside world.

So is there "smoke and mirrors" to others? Do we hide behind a veil? I think all couples do. I mean, how or why we do things isn't always for public consumption. The important thing for you to know is that the spankings and discipline are very real. I am turning his ass that lovely color. The corner time is real. I really do make him sing "Twinkle, twinkle little bat."  My laughter is real. I enjoy all this. I am a Sadist, he is a masochist. We enjoy each other. We Love each other. The chastity is real. He does wear those devices for up to a week or more. The devotion we have to each other is real.

Will I address these things further? Will I give a heartfelt response with my feeling bared for all to see? That's yet to be determined.... But for now...

I heard you Shilo.  I Love you Shilo.

Please allow me the time to take it all in.

Merry

What...the...FUCK???!!!

What is wrong with me???

I maintain a transparent relationship with both Stitch and Shilo. I mean, I tell them everything I do with others, (except for details concerning the other, unless they ask) my feelings, my actions. Nothing is secret, nothing is sacred. Except for maybe this time, but mostly because I'm confused about my feelings. I'm feeling awfully conflicted right now. Well, actually, maybe the past 24 hours.

I tend to 'box' things and people. Either I like or dislike people, and the ones I dislike, I either ignore or tolerate them, and I'm always on my best behavior, being nice even if it kills me inside. There are vanillas, kinksters, and acquaintances. Acquaintances are people I see on a somewhat regular basis, like my favorite checker at the grocery store or the butcher. I make no guesses as to whether they're kinky or not. As for kinky people, there are the ones that I encounter online (like Fetlife) the ones I see when I go places, the ones I play with, the ones that will approach me and ask to play with me, the ones in a relationship with me, and the one I'm dating. (yeah, I've been casually dating a sub for nearly a year now) Then there's Spike. I can't box him. I mean, I'd love to box him, but that wasn't part of our agreement. I mean, there's others like Spike, but I think that right now, Spike is what has me bothered. Let me make this clear: Spike isn't the only one who has been the source of this feeling, and it's not his fault.

I enjoy playing. I love the "high" I get after playing with someone I like. The feedback, the closeness, the whole thing. As a rule, the good feeling will often last for days, and will gradually taper off. Then there are the other ones. I feel good for a day or two, then BOOM! I feel like shit. I thought about it, and tried to figure out what the common denominator was (besides me, of course!) and I came to a conclusion. In every case where I had this horrible drop, two things happened: The first was that it was with someone I really liked. The second was that aftercare was lacking. No, not the traditional aftercare, but the day after aftercare. Usually I'll call to check in with the person I played with the next day to make sure they're okay. We talk for a minute or two, and that's it. I feel good, they feel good. In Spike's case (as well as a few others) I only had the option of texting, and the text wasn't returned. It's amazing how much that small gesture can mean.

That check-in allows me to help the person process things, and I will often use it as a way to talk about potential drop. It shows the person that I care about their feelings, and even if we never play together again, it allows for some closure. When I don't get to do the check-in, I worry about the other person. I mean, it doesn't matter if a person is brand new or has several decades worth of experience, I want to be sure I gave that person a positive experience with me. Naturally, there's been "disasters" in the dungeon, but being able to dissect it away from the dungeon helps the both of us.

So, today I felt like shit. I was in bed all day. Yes, I'll admit that I've been beating Shilo's ass the past few days and it's been fun and fulfilling, and even sexy at times, but it doesn't 'make up' for the hurt and negative feelings I'm feeling. One cannot replace the other. Believe me, I wish it did. Writing abut this helps a little, and maybe talking about it with Daddy Wayne and Shilo tomorrow will help, but time will fix this as well. My "drops" don't last forever, it just feels that way.

Now maybe I can work through all this and start healing.

About My "About Me" and Consent

This was originally written for my Fetlife blog, but it bears repeating:

Somewhere near the top of my profile, in BIG RED LETTERS is the following:

IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE: I have PTSD, so if you don’t know me personally, please don’t touch me or grab at me without asking. My usual response is “attack mode,” so consider yourself warned.

I put it near the top so most people will see it. What it doesn't say, and shouldn't have to say is that I will occasionally freeze in panic with a "deer in the headlights" look.

Now, before anyone accuses me of overreacting or causing "Drama" I want to say that it's already been handled between myself and the person in question, and that hopefully, it won't ever happen again. A lesson was learned. I'm not angry at the person, he's not a "bad guy" nor is he a "predator." He is someone I respect, and, no, he's not in my circle of friends, but he is a friend of my friends.

So, with all the above, why am I even bringing this up? Well, the fact that I woke up screaming could have something to do with it. I mean, I have a choice: I could allow this to overtake me and continue with the nightmares (that occur all times of the day, including naps) and screaming, or I can write about it in an attempt to 'exorcise' the fears.

"Don't touch me or grab at me without asking." It's easy. "Merry, that's a cool tattoo and scarification." I will probably tell you that you can touch it. The scarification has interesting ridges and it feels good when it's touched. When I engage in negotiations with a sub or bottom, I ask them if there's any body part I cannot touch, and I tell them to ask my permission before handling me.

We're equals, so if we're talking, and you have a pet snake, and I say I'm afraid of your pet snake, you should say, "Don't be afraid, I'll hold it, and you can pet it." WAIT for me to say 'okay' and don't put that snake in my face. I might not react if you put that snake near me, but the chance is good that I'm frozen in fear. Don't ask me later if you violated my consent, because you know you did, and don't ask me why I didn't run away screaming or kick you or said "no". Don't blame the victim! It's your responsibility to ask and wait for permission.

And, in the future, should you unintentionally hurt me or scare me, take me in your arms and comfort me, don't just apologize and go on like nothing happened. The little girl in me (Sunshine) needs to know that she can be safe among friends in a dungeon, and, yes, he started with me, but ended with Sunshine, because she comes 'out' to 'protect' me.

FOR THE RECORD: Snakes don't frighten me, but ask permission anyway.

What's In A Name?

I think I've explained my anomic aphasia enough times, but if you are confused, You may read about it in the following link:

http://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2014/03/im-not-stupid-nor-am-i-confused-3-6-2014.html

My anomic aphasia is the main reason I call Shilo, Shilo and Stitch, Stitch instead of using their given names. I realized a long time ago, I'm more likely to remember a name or nickname if I give it to the person.

Whenever I start a D/s relationship, I give the submissive a 'new' name, using the rules that it must start with the letter 'S' and be 4 to 6 letters long with no more than 2 syllables. I've used that rule since the early 90's before I knew what anomic aphasia was. I also never re-use names for another.  So, Spot, Sparky, Spanky, (Cum)Slut, Soft (Kitty), Shilo or Stitch never need to worry I'll re-use their names for another.  There have been others that I didn't use the name rule for, such as Nick-E, Mister Ed, and a few that already had a perfectly good name in place already.

So, time goes on, and people change. Many moons ago, in a previous life I was known as "Susie," but Merry and the various spellings took over in 2004 after a series of unpleasant events. I feel that as time goes by and events change us and our way of thinking, a new name might be in order, but after a long hiatus, a new name is a necessity. For instance, if Mister Ed returned, he would definitely need a new name! Even mentioning his name leaves me wondering... He's pushing 80 now, and it's been about 15 years since we last spoke. So those of you who are just dying to know who has come back into my life now know it's not him. But no more hints!

So, for the past few days, I've referred to a horse, long ago put to pasture as the Horse that needs new name. Well, after much thought, I've come up with what I consider to be the 'perfect' name for him. He will either discover it if he reads it here, or when we talk next week. Much thought went into this name, and after I present the name, I will explain why I chose it. Here goes... (are you as nervous and excited as I am?)

♥
☻
♥
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♥
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♥
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♥
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♥
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♥
☻
♥
☻
♥
☻
 ♥
☻
♥
☻
♥
☻
♥
☻
♥
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♥
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♥
☻
♥
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♥
☻
 ♥
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♥
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♥
☻

I will be calling him Spike! Why Spike? Well here are a few things about the word Spike:

Spike: noun

a very large nail (very fitting: He is tall and sharp)

Synonyms:

jab, pierce, spear, impale (my heart felt all those things when I put him out to pasture)

Spike: transitive verb
to add vitality, zest, or spice to: liven (and that is my hope for him in my life)

I realize that by calling him Spike, it means I have high hopes and expectations for him and he might not live up to that transitive verb, but I've named others in hopes of their potential, and I was not disappointed. Wanting a little vitality in my life isn't too much to hope for. Understanding that he has a new vitality that he hasn't had in a long time is another reason for that name.
 

 

Honesty

Being truthful, not lying, not holding anything back, even if it hurts.

Prior to Shilo, all my relationships were D/s (Dominant/submissive) not M/s (Mistress/slave) and I was much less restrictive in the rules department. I mean, yes, I expected the rules to be followed, but I wasn't so strict and regimented, and even though I gave honesty, and expected it in return, there were no consequences for the other party. With Shilo, all that changed. I tightened restrictions and had more expectations on behavior and honesty. I became tougher, and I didn't take shit. It's had a few difficulties, but mostly, it's paid off in the long run. I know where I stand on any given day, and both Shilo and Stitch have benefited from it. No excuses, no half-truths, no "you look beautiful in that dress" unless I really do. No more fashion faux pas for me! While some women might find that type of honesty to be painful, I welcome it.

So, here we are now, two years into a completely honest transparent relationship. Has he hurt my feelings? Of course he has, but the benefits are amazing, and I wouldn't ever go back to how I was before. I even decided to handle all my BDSM (and vanilla) relationships that way.

The Advantages

The advantages are obvious to me. I always know where I stand, and there is no confusion on anyone's part. I know if the other person likes something or hates something. Any hurt feelings are dealt with immediately, and grudges are unheard of. I don't have to worry needlessly over inconsequential things, and I know that if I wear that skirt, people are going to be thinking my ass is HUGE. Neither Stitch or Shilo have to worry about what's on my mind, because I tell them. Naturally, there are times when one of us needs to take a deep breath and think things through before we speak, but being able to say that without fear of anger or retribution makes it that much easier. Holding the other person in a loving and accepting way while s/he gathers thoughts is encouraged, and Love from all sides is there. Yes, there are still arguments and disagreements sometimes, but what might have lasted all day and into the next day will last an hour or less in most cases. Even Sunshine takes part in this, explaining the 'hard' stuff for me.

The Disadvantages

There are some disadvantages. Not everyone is ready for such an open way of life. I include my expectations of anyone pursuing a BDSM relationship with me, and it has led to uncomfortable silences, and even a few arguments. My truths are definitely not made for public consumption. It can be alienating when you eliminate social niceties and tell people what you actually feel about things. No amount of emotional maturity can prepare a person when I tell them my idea of how I process something as simple as a spanking. I understand and accept that someone night see it as sexual, but they cannot understand and accept that I process that spanking in a nonsexual way, and that I am unable to feel sexual towards  someone unless I feel genuine Love for them. Also, telling someone that I have rules about Love and sex that may or may not align with theirs puts them in a very uncomfortable position. My matter-of-fact way of dealing with things can be off-putting. Add to it that I really don't mind how they feel, and that I expect them to understand and accept my frequently opposite feelings and it scares most of them, because it's an alien concept. You Love me, and I like you? That's okay! I Love you, and you like me? That's okay too, Just be clear on it.  We can never predict how our emotions might be, and how it might change, so please be comfortable in the fluidity of of it all.

If I'm involved with you, you can count on the fact that I at least like you, and if what I do does nothing for you, be honest, and spare me the pain that might come in the future.

How do I feel, honestly? ask and I will tell.

Again With The Horses

This time, excerpts from the horse's mouth! No, not one horse, several of them. Due to the anomic aphasia, some words might be eliminated or changed, but I will strive to keep the meaning the same.

Name of horse:Child #4 (Babyman)
What was said: "Dad called and said he's not gonna challenge you and Auntie in court next week."
What it means to me: Well, I'm more than a little suspicious... What does he (Deadbeat) have in mind anyway?


Name of horse: Me (to Babyman)
What was said:"I'm going to listen to your voicemail from him."
What it means to me: Well, I couldn't believe it was really true, so I listened to it. Decided I'd call him (Deadbeat) and catch him off-guard.


Name of horse: Child #2 (Boo Bear)
What was said: "I ordered parts for my car so I can fix it all the way and get it out of your driveway."
What it means to me: Finally! After 4 months, it would be nice to not have to park our cars on the street!


Name of horse: Soft Kitty (A sub I was considering)
What was said: "If BDSM isn't sexual for you, then I can't submit to you."
What it means to me: Honestly??? Well after the whole back and forth of the past 3 weeks where he couldn't make up his mind on anything, I'm kind of relieved.


Name of horse: Me (to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "I'm the Dominant, and since you are now seeking another one, please block me so I don't have to watch."
What it means to me: Relief, Honestly, I'm relieved. It was getting to be too much work to get even a little cooperation.


Name of horse: Smartest Horse up until sometime back (needs a new name)
What was said: "I guess I didn't Love you nearly as much as you Loved me, but I do care for you."
What it means to me: OUCH!!!  Well, not really... I had my suspicions. Things had been tanking fast back then, and if it hadn't ended the way it did, it would have ended for a myriad of other reasons, and the time he was in the pasture was good for me, and a little heartbreak every now and then is good.


Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'm looking forward to riding your ass."
What it means to me: Well, I am... We enjoyed our rides before, so why would this be different? Oh yeah... He's been in the pasture, and I'm in a completely different headspace. I'm a little anxious/nervous, but I'm sure the horse hasn't completely forgotten how to make me purr in delight.


Name of horse:Me (to myself)
What was said: "Must stay calm, and stop counting down."
What it means to me: well, it's a habit, and I'm understandably feeling that way. I'm afraid (scared shitless) of how we will react to each other


Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'll let you take the lead in the emotion department."
What it means to me: WTF???!!! This isn't like me at all! I'm already putting up my emotional guards.


Name of horse: Shilo
What was said: "You've got a boyfriend" (said in a sing-song voice)
What it means to me: He's teasing me in a good-natured way. It's his way of showing approval, but he doesn't want me to get hurt. I don't know how or if I should reassure him. Opening my heart means I run that risk. I will try to not obsess too much. (Too late!)


Name of horse: Babyman
What was said: "I don't worry about your relationship with Stitch anymore."
What it means to me: He's finally understanding that polyamory can work.


Name of horse: Deadbeat
What was said: "I decided to not fight you and your sister in court next week."
What it means to me: I have mixed feelings. All this has been nearly 9 months in the making, and it's taken this long because he kept fighting it. So, while I'm relieved, I'm also angry because of all the time, energy, and money spent on what could have been solved MONTHS ago!


Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: "I Love you babygirl, and I'm so glad we're alone."
What it means to me: What he's really saying is that he's glad I took Babyman home today. Having him here cramps our lifestyle. I agree 100%, but I love my time with Babyman.


Name of horse: Me (to anyone reading this)
What was said: "I Love all my children, and they mean the world to me."
What it means to me: Just what I wrote. It's just that I'm out of the closet now in most areas, but I don't feel comfortable doing more than hugging Stitch or Shilo with them around, and I most certainly can't run around the house naked with them at the house.

Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I want all the best for you, and I know you're out, so maybe things will be better for you two now."
What it means to me: I'm just really happy to have his approval and guidance.

Name of horse: Me and Horse that needs new name
What was said: "NSA is best for now."
What it means to me: I'm trying to protect my heart, and I think he is too.

Name of horse: Me (to myself)
What was said: "I can't believe all this stuff has gluten in it."
What it means to me: Exactly that, Feeding Shilo is getting more difficult, and I hate reading labels, but I know it will pay off.

Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "Maybe you wanted it too bad and rushed it and that scared him."
What it means to me:I agree, but it was his (Soft kitty's) indecisiveness that finally made me give up.

Name of horse: Baby Sister
What was said: "I'm glad he (Deadbeat) finally gave up, but I'm pissed about all the work."
What it means to me: Me too! I completely agree!

Name of horse: Neurologist
What was said: "The Specialist and I were discussing changing Babyman's meds. How do you feel?"
What it means to me: Not again! Too much work! Let's stay with this cocktail for a while.


Name of horse: Banker (I was trying to close an account AGAIN!)
What was said: (A whole series of irrelevant questions)
What it means to me: This is why I hate people. I'm too antisocial for this!


Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: What's for Dinner?
What it means to me: OOPS! Time to get off the computer!

But I have one final horse...


Name of horse: Random sub male on collarspace
What was said: "Will UB my Domme? How much do U charge?"
What it means to me: Oh Gawd NO! I'm getting sick of this!

My REAL reply: No, I'm not an elephant or a prostitute. (figure it out reader)


Okay, off to fix a gluten-free meal!

A Full Heart

Soo...What prompted this? Oh, a little of everything.

Sometimes we feel like we're alone, but we aren't. Sometimes we feel like we've been left in the cold and the dark, and we will huddle together with those closest to us and cry out for relief. Other times, we just feel burdened. Let me tell you... I have been so burdened down with the pain and cares of the world lately. I'm responsible, or, at least, I feel responsible for my mistakes, my errors in judgement, my fuck-ups. Ohh.. I've made so many of them, and I beat myself up constantly for them. I had one of those weeks last week, and it all blew up on Saturday. (5-23)

I shut off, shut down. Went into the deep end of the (virtual) pool and stayed underwater. Not on the surface. I let Sunshine pick up the pieces. She has a knack for expressing my feelings in a calm way that I couldn't express. When she pulled me out of the pool and let me back out, I had a feeling of inner peace. Shilo apologized, and while that was nice, he also gave me the forgiveness that I needed. I've carried so much guilt and self-loathing over my error in judgement regarding Sherman/Tallship. It's affected how I interact with Shilo and Stitch, and I was just feeling that my fuck-up on that situation was causing everyone to hate me, when, in reality, it was just me hating myself, and blocking out any Love I had the potential of receiving. He told me that everyone in the household had forgiven me weeks ago, and it was time for me to let go of it. I did. The best part was that a weight was lifted.

He went on (much to my dismay) to tell me that the sub I was considering would not work out, and I told him to give it time. I figured out it was doomed before it started, but I pursued it anyway. Blame the masochist in me. Well, that time is up. The ship has sailed. I'm tired of explaining to someone why BDSM isn't Burger King.  Now, while all this was happening, I saw something on the internet that caused my heart to feel good. It was just a picture with a caption, but that little picture made me smile. I gave a quiet acknowledgement and waited.That quiet acknowledgement was received, and I was reminded again that anything worth having is worth waiting for, and that we all have guardian angels. Maybe not the kind that some Christians believe, but we all have people who do care about us, but we can't always see them. No, not stalkers either. I found out today that I had one, and it filled my heart with happiness.

For quite a long time, I tore myself apart over something (not mentioned here) that I knew full well wasn't my responsibility or my fault. Today I finally received word that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I was told the hidden part of the story. That  lifted a weight as well.

I don't know whether things have improved, but I can say that the guilt and pain I've been carrying has been tossed in the trash where it belongs, and I'm ready for a new adventure with the Ones I Love.

Unlike Me (10-6-14)

I'm hearing it so often these days. “Merry, that's so unlike you...” followed by whatever action or inaction that has taken place. It leaves me questioning... and thinking to myself “Am I not allowed to change?” Think about it. Do we not have Seasons? Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring? Caterpillars turn into a chrysalis, and break out of it as a butterfly. Humans go from infant to toddler, to child, pre-teen, teenager, young adult, then an adult, and, if they have good genetics, they become elderly. Yes, those are physical outward changes, but I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that who I was at 17 was not who I thought I'd be at 13. Situations have a way of changing people. Life experiences change us as well. This leaves me to where I am now.

I'm always unapologetically me. It doesn't mean I don't acknowledge my faults, but it does mean I won't apologize for expressing my feelings. It means that situations and experiences have a habit of changing how I feel about things. I've done many things that I thought I'd never do because of a fresh outlook on things, and by “fresh” I don't always mean good. Bad situations have had a much bigger impact on me, but, in the long run, it's always turned out much better than I first imagined. I'm the eternal optimist, a Pollyanna of sorts. So, right now, things are tough. I know that things will eventually turn around, but it's not time yet. In some ways, I feel like I've failed myself and others, but I don't have a crystal ball that will predict the future, and I'm not so sure I'd want to know all that anyway.

What this means is that my social life might be curtailed for a little while. I'll be attending fewer parties and munches, and I don't know how long this will last. Maybe things will improve by tomorrow, maybe next week, or maybe next year. I can't put a timeline on things that I can't control. This also means I'm doing something I thought I'd never do. Being unapologetically me means that I'm not ashamed, but I am a little surprised. Over the past 14 months, Shilo and I have occasionally made movies of our sessions for our own private pleasure and viewing, but because of one of the out of control situations, it was mutually decided that we would share our movies with others on clips4sale. We will also be filming most of our home sessions, and adding them as well.

I will also ask that my friends here understand that this was not an easy decision, and I don't take things lightly. My options were to ask people to give/loan me money out of the kindness of their heart, and feel uncomfortable because I owe everyone money, or to be filmed doing something I enjoy (disciplining Shilo) and asking my friends to help me out by purchasing our movies, and/or suggesting to others that they check out our store, and make a purchase. I see this as a win-win situation. Nobody winds up empty-handed. My son's medical bills get paid, my mortgage gets paid, and the purchasers get a peek inside my kink life.

Please go to http://clips4sale.com/studio/85069 to view our store. Thank you!

Current Events: Relationship Shifts

Since sometime in early June, I’ve been seeking a domestic sub/slave to make my household complete. It’s not as easy as it may seem. I have requirements and desires, and finding someone with even a majority of the requirements is nearly impossible. For your entertainment, I’ve attached my ad below:

For a long time, I was not actively looking for another submissive or slave. I am still very happy with my slave (and husband) Shilo, but we have mutually decided that adding another submissive, preferably one willing to do domestic duties would help to make our household complete. Male is preferred, but not an absolute necessity. You do not need to be a masochist, but you must be willing to accept discipline.

I prefer that you are over 35 and able to support yourself. You must be in good health and able to lift 50 pounds. Your height and weight doesn’t matter nearly as much as your personality. Smoking and/or drug use will NOT be tolerated, but I am fine with a light social drinker or cannabis user. You must be responsible and able to do housekeeping and assist with yard work and painting. Driving me places in your vehicle or running occasional errands will also be expected. Live-in is not expected, but occasional overnight stays will be required. My household is clothing optional, so you should ideally be comfortable in your own skin.

The following is preferred:

• Ability to swim
• Willingness to be in chastity while in service to household

The following is non-negotiable:

• Must like both dogs and cats.
• Must be willing and able to provide clean HIV status upon request
• Must be available at least 3 times a week, and also attend any family/household meetings.
• Must be discreet. I don't want my neighbors talking.
• Must have local references. This could be vanilla or perhaps a former Master/Mistress.

Please send all inquiries to (email redacted) Please include experience, references and availability.

I later added the following:

I am not a swinger, and I am very selective when it comes to sexual partners, so even if there is mutual attraction, there is no guarantee that I will have sex with you.

You must be service-oriented and not a brat. I expect once weekly meetings to start, and then an increase if and when you are approved and accepted into my household/Family.

My interests are varied, and I like having people around me who will stimulate my mind.

TO CLARIFY: My hope is to find someone who will eventually be a full-time live in member of my poly Household. Something like this takes time, and I do not want to make the wrong decisions in selecting someone. If you do not live in California already, I will not accept your message.

As anyone can see, my desires are stated clearly. It was only after I added the second part that I began to get replies, and I made between 3 and 5 appointments a day on my available days for interviews. There were the usual cancellations and no-shows along with people who lied about their age (“dust in a suit” was Shilo’s term for one of them) and their experience, including one who adamantly refused to come into the restaurant for his interview. I had given up on meeting people a little over a week ago, but I had a few pre-set interview appointments so I kept them.

Then it happened:

A week ago, in the early evening hours, an old friend/acquaintance from high school that is a Dominant called me, asking if he could visit. I invited him to my home back in October, shortly after I married Shilo and moved in the house. I figured he just finally felt the need to talk. I was wrong. Anyway, I invited him to come over about 3 on Saturday, and I told him I only had a two hour window. He arrived, looking more tired than I’ve ever seen him. When I asked about his daughter, he told me she was living with her mother (!!!) and when I asked what happed to his home, he told me about losing it when he lost his contract. So he was jobless, homeless, and without his daughter. Then he told me his fiancée dumped him too, and he was couch surfing. Not good.

I immediately called a Family meeting and asked if Shilo and Stitch would mind him joining the Household. He had already offered to do the work described above, and explained he had seen my ad on my profile. It was a no-brainer. Both Shilo and Stitch agreed that having him in the Household would be a positive thing, and, because Stitch already knew him, and Shilo trusted my judgment on him, it would be a relatively easy thing. So, my newest addition (Sherman) moved in here 5 days ago. He seems to get along well with everyone else, and he helps out as often as possible. He even accepted discipline today without complaint.

It almost goes without saying that there are adjustments being made. A slight growling and regrouping taking place. Sherman doesn’t seem to understand it, so late last night, when the two of us were alone in the hot tub, I explained about “pack mentality” and that most of the tension, if any, had to do with having another male in the pack, and nobody was really sure where Sherman would wind up (Alpha, Beta, Omega) and, until it was settled, there would be some grumbling. So, then Sherman told me he didn’t want anyone to feel displaced. As much as I tried to explain that it was the natural order of things, the more he resisted the idea. I finally told him that there is no competition between any of them, but until the others accepted that, there was going to be a little tension. I think he finally accepted that. Afterwards, he got in the shower with me and washed my hair, and then I went back to bed with Shilo.

Early this morning, when we were awakened by Stitch at 8, I told Shilo about the hot tub and shampoo, and then, in the afternoon while we were shopping, I told him about the actual hot tub discussion concerning Alpha, Beta, and Omega, and Shilo agreed that it was happening. We agreed that, whether or not he liked it, Sherman would eventually fill one of those roles if he stayed around long enough. I get the idea that Shilo is feeling pretty secure in his role as Alpha, so the real settling will be between Stitch and Sherman for Beta and Omega. As for me, I’m not sure on what will happen with any of them. I just know it’s something they need to settle, and it’s not my place to decide who goes where.

Also, Sherman “met” Sunshine yesterday while we were out with Shilo. Sherman decided that he likes Sunshine, and has quickly become protective of her. I feel this is a good thing, and it makes him even more “acceptable” to Stitch and Shilo. As for Sunshine, she relishes the attention. I’ll give reports on this as needed.

In the meantime, Shilo and I are attending the Kinky Campout at BOD on Saturday, so I’ll be away from the computer for a few days.