Uninspired or Unfocused?

We've almost made it through the first month of 2017. I'm sitting here wondering if I'm uninspired by my life as it is, or simply unfocused. Don't get me wrong, plenty of stuff is going on, whether outwardly or behind the scenes, and unless I put it here, it simply goes into my (rapidly fading) memories. I'm not feeling a sense of urgency to talk or even write about stuff that mostly makes sense if you are present in the moment. I could twist it into funny anecdotes, even kinky anecdotes, but why bother? Apathetic is a good word for this. I've reached homeostasis in my life. Every system is predictable. Just where it should be. My "road" isn't "bumpy", it's paved and straight as far as the eye can see. There are a few places coming up where I might turn, like an interesting looking diner or two with an unknown menu, but even though they are getting closer, I'm not feeling the urgency that I normally would. Don't let the calm demeanor fool you. I'm totally out of control. It's a self driving car, and I'm snugly buckled up in the passenger seat. I can yell STOP!!! all I want to, but it's not like it's going to stop just because I want it to.


Since I can't quite tell you where I'm going, I'll share where I've been. January 16th, I saw my Ortho doctor using my new insurance plan. He ordered New PT because my new coverage didn't cover my old PT. He also ordered an MRI. Neither of them are things I'm looking forward to. I got a call Friday to (finally!) set up those appointments. Because I'm physically unable to drive (trust me, I tried and I frightened myself!) I have to depend on Shilo, and his schedule (graves) affects when I can go anywhere, and if you keep in mind that I have his time limits, plus the ones imposed by the places I need to be seen, it's a scheduling nightmare. My MRI is on Sunday the 5th. I use google calendar, so I put it in and sent Shilo (who was dead asleep) an email. He neglected to write Superbowl on that day, so I forgot. 6 hours later, he asked me why I would plan something on Superbowl Sunday. Maybe because it wasn't on the calendar? I'm not a mind reader, and every day melts into every other day unless I schedule something. I only know it's Saturday or Sunday because Stitch is here, and there's the Wednesday alarm to move the car for street cleaning, and Thursday to unlock the gate so the pool can get cleaned. A few weeks ago, when Shilo had the plague, I moved the car. That convinced me once and for all that I cannot drive the car. The Super Bowl can get recorded on the DVR. Problem solved! The next day, I get my new PT assessment. A week later (2-13) I see the Ortho doctor again to discuss my options in detail. Am I the only one who is disturbed that it will have been 4 weeks since he ordered everything until I see him again? Or, rather, that I had to wait 3 weeks for everything to be taken care of? Then I remind myself that my copay is only $10, so maybe I have no right to complain. Driverless car, here I go!


I also saw my GP last week on Monday (1-23) for a routine appointment to check my labs (blood sugar and A1c) and as I've said before, I dropped about 40 pounds since my accident, so he couldn't say I've been misbehaving, but I also know that I'm not taking my metformin the way I'm supposed to (once a day instead of twice) so I told him that before he could even discuss the numbers with me, my numbers, in case you're wondering, were good. Right where he wants them, and my blood pressure is good as well. I was almost breathing that sigh of relief when he asked about my frozen shoulder and how that was progressing (going nowhere fast crossed my mind) and I told him I was off the opiates and NSAID's for pain. I was going to leave it at that, but Shilo asked me if I was going to "come clean". I smiled tersely at Shilo, and told my doctor about using edibles, which turned into a discussion about CBD's, THC and smoking. He asked me if I get high, and I told him that I have no pain, but never feel high. Thankfully, Shilo said nothing about that one episode. I'd rather forget it if I could. Live and learn. It turns out that my doctor is very open-minded about the benefits of medical marijuana, and he said it was better than me taking pain medications every 4 hours around the clock.


I haven't had that discussion with my Ortho doctor, and I'm avoiding it if possible. He seems rather old-fashioned, and having that discussion might prevent me from having the treatments I need. We'll see what happens in February.


The House I live in has been sold. The company that purchased it is working with us to assist us in relocating. Shilo has been handling business, so I'm only told what I need to know. I've been really calm about this since I found out a few weeks ago, It's easy to be calm when you realize everything going on around you is completely out of your control. I'm still the Dominant, Mistress, and Head of Household, but my job is to heal and make decisions if necessary, and the decisions are being made for us. I'm strangely removed from all this. Saying "Okay" has become second nature. I'm being taken care of. No panic, just waiting for it to come.


Speaking of being removed, there was an upheaval where I receive my mental health care. In the past year, I've had 3 changes in therapists/psychiatrists. Normally, changes would put me in a tailspin, but with the way 2016 was, it barely registered with me. Other than my long-term doctor retiring in January last year, I never really formed an attachment with any of the people. I mean, how could I even begin to trust someone who might not be around the next time I had an appointment? In December, I was given what will hopefully be a permanent doctor. I saw him yesterday for the second time, and while he's not unpleasant, all he wants to know is if I need refills on my antidepressant. I spent less than 10 minutes in his office which was long enough for me to tell him I was fine on the antidepressants, the house was sold, and I felt oddly removed from it all, but I wasn't depressed. He seemed satisfied and reminded me to make an appointment on my way out. He seems even more removed than I feel. It would be a lie for me to say I don't care, because I do, but not enough for me to make a scene in a mostly unoccupied Mental Health Clinic. I did think to tell him that I've been on the same medication since 1997, and that it works, and that if I ever have a problem, I'll call him, so please if I call for him to realize it's serious. He barely glanced at me, but at least he pronounces my unusual name correctly, so I can't complain. ::YAWN::

OTHER STUFF

I really am mostly pain free with the edibles, although because I have a really sharp sense of smell, I'll tell you that I reek of pot, but I'm the only one who can smell it. My right arm movement is limited, but I've mastered the use of using paddles with my left arm, and Shilo is back to receiving funishment spankings. We even filmed over the weekend. A friend cut my hair last week, so now I can do almost all my hair care with minimal assistance. When I showered Monday morning, other than the shampooing, I stood up and did it without asking for help to get scrubbed. The chair is in there if I need it, but I'm trying to be as independent as possible. I also attended the munch in Lake Forest this past Friday night. My kink activities will be limited to weekends until I'm able to drive again, or deemed "recovered" whichever comes first, but I'm not holding my breath.


I also spent Saturday going through all the things I inherited from Daddy W. His ex-wife brought it to me a week after he died, but I was in so much pain then that I barely remember what I had been given. I guess she kept his knife collection, but I have his paddles, favorite floggers, a neon wand, and other goodies.


I guess I'm inspired and focused after all. It's just that I am in a position where I'm not in the driver's seat, and there's someone driving for me, but the driver changes frequently. Insurance company, Ortho doctor, GP, Shilo, the real estate people. Yadda yadda, yadda...


Also, because I know they will see this, I miss my boyfriend and his girlfriend. Hugs and kisses to them!