Been A While

I have so MANY partially written things from the last month or two. It's not funny.

Shilo and myself finally hit a wall in late June-early July and it wasn't pretty. I knew about the activity he was engaging in, and I was okay with it at first, but as it progressed, it became a problem in our marriage. I was more and more unhappy, and I felt like he was cheating on me. I know that some people wouldn't understand cheating in polyamory, but it exists.

WHAT IS CHEATING IN POLYAMORY?

Everyone runs their polyamory differently, and for us, it includes lying about a relationship, hiding information from each other, or doing something we agreed not to do. EXAMPLE: I see Master "B" and we fuck like bunnies.and I say nothing about it to Shilo. Engaging in intercourse with him is permitted, we agreed it was okay, but I am required to inform Shilo about it as soon as it is possible. Hiding that information is cheating OR I meet someone, and there's instant attraction so We go someplace and have sex.  I'm not supposed to have sex with anyone without them first meeting Stitch and Shilo and getting their approval to date. Then I need their permission to have sex. Or, in Shilo's case, he has to talk to me about his feelings regarding a woman, and she has to meet me and follow our other rules.  Consider this the TL;DR version.

 Anyway, Shilo did several things that counts as cheating, and while he confessed to some things, he hid others, and I discovered them on my own. I was furious, but I was really more disappointed than anything. I actually considered leaving, but I realized that wasn't the answer. I'm still here. He's still here, and we're working on things. I can now look at his messages, emails, and phone whenever I want. I don't shove it in his face, and he is quick to tell anyone who messages him that I am reading along. And no, I'm not constantly looking, but I DO look, and I'm shocked at the amount of women who want him to sneak and hide things from me.

Shilo's cheating was a shock to my system and a wake-up call as far as our relationship goes. We're healing, but it's slow, and there are occasional arguments and my emotions can be all over the place.  I went out with the woman who was my Maid of Honor when I married Shilo, and we talked about it. I don't have many female friends, and of the few I do have, not all of them know about my polyamory. This is an embarrassment to me, so the less my people know about it, the better.

Keep in mind that while I'm retired, I still have responsibilities and things I do, including taking care of my older sister. She has advancing dementia and also had lung cancer surgery in February 2020. Since COVID hit, I've been buying her groceries and checking in on her every other day or so. It works for us, and I don't mind helping her out. After all, she is family, and being her caregiver is something that I take seriously.

So, the last week of July, it was HOT and while I kept in contact with her, I last visited her on Sunday (7-25) and called her on Monday and Tuesday, because I was feeling sick, and when I feel that way, I avoid face to face visits.  When Thursday (7-29) came along, I had an uneasy feeling, so I decided to make an unannounced visit to check on her.  

When I got to her apartment at 2:30PM, I found her passed out on the floor with her right leg bruised from the knee up. She had obviously urinated on herself as well, but while it wasn't completely unexpected (older women who live alone will frequently fall) it was still a shock to the system. It took me forever to dial 911 because I kept hitting the wrong buttons. The paramedics took her to the one ER that I feel is the worst in the area (Hospital and care is excellent, ER sucks because of the area) and it has a tiny waiting room. My niece arrived over an hour later because she lives near West LA, and my sister was just talking nonsense. She fractured her hip in several places, but there was no head injury.

The nurse who was assigned to her sent us home about 11, because they hadn't gotten the transfer papers from the hospital where my sister is insured. Instead, I received a call from the hospital at 6:30AM Friday (7-39) saying that she had been transferred to a hospital 40 miles away! I packed my clothes and stayed with my niece until Monday (8-2)  My sister was placed in a local SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility) late Wednesday (8-4) night, and they have restricted visitation (30 minutes max) due to COVID, and it's by appointment only.  I'm taking a break until Wednesday (8-11) because I am physically and mentally exhausted.

Anyway, That's what is going on, and that's where I've been.

 

Uneasiness

 I'm not even sure I want to write about this, but my uneasiness won't allow me to sleep.

Something isn't right, and it's not something I can fix. I really wish that I could point at it and say "Begone!" or some such nonsense like that, but it just doesn't work that way.

ALL of my most intimate relationships are based on trust and honesty, and I'm starting to feel that while there isn't a lie, there is an omission of truth, and that I'm being kept in the dark about things, but it's not something I can point at.

It's like sitting in a movie theater where you know that there's a bad guy hiding behind the curtain, but the person onscreen has no idea, and you want to shout "RUN!!" as loud as you can in hopes that the person onscreen hears you and gets safely away before they are captured.

It's just not right, and there's a web of lies and half-truths being told to others, and you're helpless and watching, and feeling like a part of you is suffocating and dying slowly.

I really want to maintain an open mind and trust, but I can't, and how do I say STOP!!! without sounding crazy, or jealous or both? 

I question whether this is a test of my resolve and trust, or if I'm just waiting for the inevitable death of the person onscreen.

I.Just.Don't.Like.This.

2020 Year In Review: A Personal Outlook

Our Internet, cable, and Wi-Fi went out on New Year’s Day, and was out until the evening of the 4^th so I say better late than never.(Originally posted ELSEWHERE)

2020 will no doubt go into the record books as being a horrible year, but I'm going to inject my reality into it. Bear in mind that this is a NON-POLITICAL PERSONAL journal entry:

My long-term Partner-In-Crime, Stitch, was laid off in early February. Then, later that month my older sister with dementia had lung cancer surgery. It enabled my niece (her only child) and I to get closer after many years of estrangement.

In March, as the COVID-19 pandemic started affecting California, and quarantine/lockdowns became a reality, I took over grocery shopping for my older sister due to her health status. Waiting in line to get into a grocery store for 45 minutes to an hour was a reality, and her favorite store was frequently out of her favorite foods, so I had to get creative to find what she needed and wanted. It turns out that the grocery store I use most had nearly everything she needed and at lower prices!

In late April/early May, I had an accident that totaled my car that I inherited when my Mother died 7 years before. It was a very difficult time for me emotionally, but made easier because my older sister (the one who had the cancer surgery in February) had added my name to her car that she no longer drove back in January, so I was able to take it and get it back in working order. The insurance money I received was more than enough to cover all the work needed, including new tires.

By mid-May, Stitch, got a part-time temporary job working for a large retailer known for low prices. In September he received a card that gave his household an employee discount. With everything going on, that discount is very helpful.

June was quiet, and in the middle of July, I had my quarantine birthday (Happy 59^th!) then, near the end of July, my 8 y/o granddaughter infected her entire household with COVID-19 (Her father [child #5] her mother [my DIL] her uncle [child #4 AKA Babyman, who also happens to be disabled and is high-risk] her little brother, age 3, and her baby sister, age 14 months) It was a worrisome time for me, but they all had mild symptoms and recovered without winding up in the hospital.

In September, they bought and moved into their first house. It's still in the same area, but much closer to me. Also in September, I finally had dental insurance and began treatment that I thought would be finished by the end of October. Guess what? I'm STILL undergoing treatment, and currently have a messed up smile (Thank goodness for masks!) and eating has been an adventure for over 3 months.

In October, my Husband and Chosen One, Shilo, received the news we've been waiting to hear. His numbers are undetectable, meaning that his prostate cancer is under control. Yes, he still has to take his chemotherapy, but it's mostly a precaution because he has/had Advanced Metastatic Prostate Cancer. Two years ago, he was told that if he decided to not undergo treatment (chemo and radiation) he would die within 2 years. I'm so grateful that he did the chemo and radiation. Yes, they left him with some nasty side effects, but it's better than being dead.

In November, we celebrated Shilo’s 64^th Birthday by serenading him. With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, finding a normal-sized turkey (12 lbs) was impossible, so I wound up buying a 22 lbs(!) turkey and freezing the leftovers. Good thing I like turkey! I also decided that this was the year I tried making fruitcake.

December was a month of baking and cooking unlike anything I could have imagined! Total "damage" was 11 fruitcakes, homemade candied orange peel, orange-infused sugar, and orange syrup, homemade candied lime peel, lime-infused sugar, and lime syrup. I even made a lime pie for dessert for Christmas along with brownies, and of course, my Mom's Christmas Pork recipe for Christmas breakfast. I did cancel a dentist appointment on the 21st and rescheduled it for the 30th because I wanted to enjoy eating Christmas dinner. Instead of removing my lower 4 teeth front teeth when I saw the dentist he only removed TWO (2!). Again I say "Thank goodness for masks!"

So here it is, the New Year 7 days old, and I'm back to eating soft food, and my speech is mostly unintelligible, but like I jokingly told the dentist "Out with the old (teeth), and in with the new (in a few weeks)"

Saving the best for last, on New Year’s Eve, I was told that effective January 1, 2021, Stitch was hired as a full-time permanent employee. Also a very special acknowledgment to my FIL and MIL who have been VERY supportive of us this past year, and I/We are extremely grateful for all the help they've provided.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

It's Six O'Clock Somewhere...

Hello my people! Whether you are a first-time reader, an occasional reader, or someone who reads everything I write, you are "My" people. You share an interest in whatever I write about, or maybe you show up for the occasional (okay, rare) nudes of myself, Shilo, or one of my other "victims." Either way, happy to have you here!

I've had many changes over the years, including a complete stop of BDSM and Domestic Discipline of my Husband/Chosen One/slave Shilo due to his ongoing problems related to his health. Currently, his Advanced metastatic prostate cancer is under control thanks to his Chemotherapy (an injection every 3 months) and last year's Radiation, although they have some unpleasant side effects. Still better than being dead, and 2 years ago, he only had maybe 2 years to live without treatment, so I'm happy.

Related to all that, Shilo recently decided to talk to his doctor about his desire to engage in sexual activity, and related to that, although not mentioned to the doctor, is his interest in spanking and other related activity has returned. I NEVER, not once, complained about his lack of interest since his diagnosis, because it's not like he has had any control in the matter. This was his decision to do something about it, and I'm glad it was Shilo's decision, because it means a lot to me.

Last week, Shilo sent me an email titled "The Six O'Clock Alarm" and because it is personal, yet relevant, especially to couples who may have reached a point of disinterest, or maybe a dry spell, I wanted to share the email with you.  In the interest of presenting it in my blog, I've changed some You's to me, etc. Please enjoy!

The Six O'Clock Alarm

His phone alarm goes off at 6PM, every day.

Am I in the kitchen, at the computer, in bed, next to him, not home? If I am easy to find, he may ask me something like "You in?" or "You game?"

He will not wake me for this – appointment. If I am asleep, It's canceled. 

IF I am not home, it's canceled. IF I say 'No', with or without a reason, doesn't matter, it's canceled. He can cancel, too, for health issues.

IF we're both in and willing:

He will enter Stitch’s bedroom (on the rare occasion that Stitch might be occupying his bedroom at this particular time, we'll adjust this to our room). Shilo will prepare himself, in terms of state of undress suitable for the temperature, and position himself for a spanking.

Before I enter the bedroom, I will go into the Dining Room to use the dice. There is paper, and a pen nearby. I will roll ONE die, to indicate the number of spanking implements I get to pick. Then I will roll BOTH dice, to indicate how many swats of the each implement.... and write the numbers down. I will continue rolling, one roll for each implement, until my list is complete. (EXAMPLE: I roll a 4, so four implements, and then I roll 10, so ten swats with the first implement, then I roll 3, so three swats with the second, and so on...)

This MAY result in one implement, two swats. This MAY result in six implements, twelve swats each. That's just... the way the dice roll.

I will go into the bedroom, select my implement(s), and (this would be a great time for me to say anything that comes to mind, along the lines of “I'm glad I'm about to spank you, because you did this, or I'm upset about that”), and deliver the indicated number of swats to his anxiously-waiting bare bottom.

I will put down the implement, select my next, employ it, and so on until I have finished with the number of implements indicated, and then I will announce by saying, "Done!" so he knows I’m finished. If I’m feeling nice, I will ask him to pose for pictures for his diary. I might then say, cheerily, "All done!" or perhaps, grumpily, any other words that lets him know he can get up, get dressed, put away implements, etc. He might even offer a 'thank you' of an intimate nature, right after. I may accept or refuse, my choice.

Back to the cancellations mentioned above: If there are three cancellations in any one week period (Sunday to Saturday) we will have a conference to assess the reasons, and decide if the plan is working for us.

Positive to this plan: no guesswork as to the other's mood, no hemming and hawing. No asking or demanding. This is not punishment or discipline, which Shilo resents. For me, this could be therapeutic, I can think about the number of times I wanted to spank him, and he wouldn't cooperate.

Negative to this plan is no spontaneity. Spontaneity has not worked great for us, anyway. No adjustment to the number of swats decided by the dice. If I don't think the number is big enough, I can wait another day. Or lie. He has no way of verifying the numbers that came up on the dice. I might be pissed off by something he did and decide, without rolling any dice, that the numbers are 6x12.

So, my people, what do YOU think? Do you have any thoughts or input?

I will share that I had my doubts, but since that email, we have done this three separate times, and it has worked out well for us.

No Nice Way To Say It

I know my last post (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2019/01/something-on-my-mind.html) came across as ominous and a bit cryptic. I want to apologize if I unnerved anyone. it's been a difficult past few months full of "Hurry up and wait" combined with even more hurry up and wait, and it's not getting better anytime soon.

Long story short, my husband, Shilo, has aggressive prostate cancer. The diagnosis received this past Friday (1-25) was not a shock. Some of the other things we were told were.

Because this is supposed to be a kink blog, and because I wanted to keep things separate, please feel free to visit my other blog at:
https://alostwifesjourney.blogspot.com/

I will write updates as I get them, and try to maintain it as best as possible.  Of course, I'll be here as well when I can, but we all know that I write irregularly at best (some things never change)

I will do my best to answer any questions there, but please be aware that there is a whole lot of things we don't know until we are told.

Thank you!
Merry

Music To My Ears

HIM: ::smiling at me:: I'd really love to have sex with you right now, but it's too damn hot.

ME: ::melts::

Knowing I'm desired and desirable is one thing, but actually hearing those words really sends it home to me.

And, yes, it's TOO DAMN HOT!!!

To My Readers

If any of you read about what happened to my Household on Friday, July 21st, I'd like to share some good news:


Even though we were unable to get a loan to cover the money that was taken from the Household account, my savings, and a joint account that has Shilo's name on it ($3,600 total), between Shilo cashing in some vacation, an unexpected check in the mail, donations sent via Paypal, a check on its way in the mail, and some donations from GoFundMe, it looks like we are close enough to our goal ($2,500) that ALL the expenses (Rent, car insurance, utilities and gasoline so Shilo can go to work) are covered.


It's been a rough 9 days, and it feels good to breathe easy again.

One Year Ago Today (7-25) Just Before Midnight... And other things...

I had my accident, and broke my right humerus in two places.The following afternoon, my Mentor lost his life after suffering a series of major strokes. He was 64.

Today I'm mostly healed, although I sometimes have residual pain. There are still some things I'm unable to do in spite of the many hours of PT that I endured. Still, I'm grateful for the movement I have, and I know what a long way I've come since then.

On July 13th, I turned 56. A few nights later, Shilo and Stitch took me out to dinner.  It was a fun night, and I'm glad we went out.

On July 21st, I woke up to this email:

There were 2 other emails in addition to this one. A total of $3,666 and some change was taken from my accounts. Note that the one above is marked "HOUSEHOLD."  Keep in mind that while these accounts all have my name on it. not a single penny is mine. The money belonged to Stitch and Shilo. It was the money we use for rent, utilities, car insurance and gasoline so Shilo can get to and from work every day (75 miles roundtrip!)

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???!!!

is a question we've been asked by others. It's simple, and yet not so simple. Our theory is that sometime in March wile we were moving a Summons was handed to someone (my guess is my oldest son age 33) and it wasn't given to me. The court date came, and a default judgement was made, so my funds were seized.

Shilo drove me to the Van Nuys Courthouse and we were told to call the Attorney for the other side. They didn't care that the money wasn't "mine" all they cared about was that they got "their" money.

Over the weekend both Shilo and Stitch (together and separately) applied for loans from at least 20 different companies with each one getting rejected. As a last-ditch effort, I opened a Go Fund Me page. This isn't my proudest moment. I don't like showing my vulnerabilities, and I DETEST asking for help, but like my Mom always told me "You don't get if you don't ask;" and this is truly an emergency.  If you are willing or able to help, the link is below. Also, if you want to share, it would be appreciated.


(GoFundMe link redacted)


Thank You!

♥

Merry

The Agreement (One week later) with Fire Details Bonus

Fire Details?

Let's go there first. Did I mention that my boyfriend is originally from England? He even has a thick British accent. Unfortunately, he mumbles often, so talking on the phone is often an exercise in futility. I personally DETEST texting, but he is my exception to the rule, but more in that later.

I'm pretty sure we can all agree that when it comes to verbal expressions, the British have a way with words that most people in the US just don't quite understand. His "verbiage" caused a woman to get upset with him recently, and she accused him of being thoughtless and mean. He may be a Sadist, but he is neither thoughtless or mean. It's just that what his British friends would laugh and smile at, this poor woman took to be an insult. Now, instead of just apologizing and moving on (like any other man should do!) He explained himself!


Any woman in the US will tell you that all explaining does is get us more upset and angry! The smart (US) way of just apologizing usually suffices, and prevents blowups. Poor dear man! He just doesn't "get" it, so between dealing with my own stuff, I got stuck between a crying justifiably angry woman, and a sweet confused man saying "But, I was..." It's after 10:30 here and my phone hasn't gone off, so I think (hope) all is well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Back to the Agreement:

I don't normally share details of my formal agreements with others, but in order to understand the progress (or lack thereof) it might be helpful to know what's in  this one, so I will share.

Here is a copy of the Agreement with requests:


General Agreement Proposal

We agree that this Relationship was and is founded in Love, and that we will speak to one another in a Loving and Caring manner, always showing respect for each other. We may not always agree on things but we will do our best to not say hurtful or disrespectful things to one another.

We understand/agree that polyamory is involved, and that in itself requires open lines of communication at all times. We promise to discuss our feelings, rather than allow bad feelings to fester, and, if either of us feels overwhelmed and unable to speak, the affected person will write down what S/he is feeling in a journal entry or email, and direct the other's attention to it.

We may pursue relationships with others, but we are not obligated to discuss it until such a time when we feel that said relationships will be of some Importance. Fetlife or Facebook relationship changes are considered to be important. Boyfriend’s FWB’s are not included in this.

If Merry decides she wants to pursue a serious relationship with someone, She will hold a meeting with Shilo, Stitch, and Boyfriend (if he desires) so that She may discuss Her feelings and gain their approval. They understand that they are expected to give approval, unless they can provide a justifiable reason as to why said relationship would be detrimental to Her. They also understand that if they have not yet met the person in question, a meeting will be held so they can ask questions and get to know the person. They will not discuss their opinions amongst themselves unless Merry is present.

Any sexual relationships (in this case, intercourse) other than FWB’s will be discussed in advance if possible. Any potential sexual partners for Merry are required to have a current HIV test done, and must interview separately with each Family Member (Currently Merry, Shilo, and Stitch) unless otherwise agreed. Approval is by majority vote. Boyfriend understands that Merry wants and appreciates feedback on her decisions, and hopes that Boyfriend will give the same courtesy to her.

Boyfriend agrees to never mention his FWB’s with Merry unless he is directly asked. Both Boyfriend and Merry agree to focus on each other when they are together. Other people and/or obligations will only be discussed in a general manner.

Requests

I would like to see you a minimum of once a month preferably twice. Days and amount of time at your convenience.

It would be nice if we contacted each other on a more regular basis. Once or twice a week, by Fetmail or text even if it’s only “Wow, I’m so busy, hope you are well.”

We will try to attend one event a year as a couple.

We agree to always use condoms and/or gloves when needed during sexual encounters with each other.

Boyfriend may request that Merry dress a certain way on their dates together. Merry agrees to any reasonable request.


I felt it was reasonable, although my boyfriend had a lot of "What if?" type questions.  He said he could not agree to notification in advance because sometimes things "just happen" (I rolled my eyes at that, but said nothing) and he also said that he couldn't commit to one event a year and made some silly excuse. Again, I rolled my eyes. I decided it wasn't worth the argument because he will eventually do it my way anyway (Because all men do) I also asked if he had any requests or suggestions, and he said he didn't. I'm jut waiting on it. It will come.

Since it's been a week I will share:

He has texted and Fetmailed me for six of the past 7 days, often with a back and forth of not understanding why someone is angry at him. I sent him a Fetmail requesting that he escort me to an event. Not as a date, but as a ride. He then went on to explain that he made plans to be with some girl (meaning sub) that night. I explained again that I wanted a ride, not a play partner. He agreed. 

The event above is in a month, and it's not a date. He hasn't yet made a date with me. I am waiting somewhat impatiently, but I am smiling because I trust he will remember. 

So far, I will give him an "E" for effort, because he is trying.

↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑

TRUE! 5 MORE DAYS!!! 

This is Donna Dawg-Lass, my Pitbull (Bonus points if you know who she was named after)

Isn't she sweet? A week ago, instead of jumping on the bed with us, she put her head on the foot of the bed and whined. I thought it was strange, but I was tired, and she eventually settled on the floor. On Saturday afternoon, while I was cooking, she sat down watching me, and her head seemed to be cocked severely to the left. In fact, her walking was wobbly like she was drunk and she had a "stupid" look on her face. I called the vet at 7:15 Monday morning, and Donna as there at 8:30. Everything seemed normal, so the vet took some blood and gave a diagnosis of Idiopathic Vestibular Syndrome. Other than that, she said a "wait and see" approach was best. The vet called yesterday while I was asleep (it figures!) and told me the results were normal. In fact, they were "Excellent!"

Her head is less cocked today, but she still can't get up on the bed, so she has a blanket on the floor.

So, What's up with YOU?

Discharge (4-14-17)

I was discharged from PT on March 27th. They told me that they could no longer help me.  Am I 100% "healed?" No, but they felt I was ready to continue on at home. I still need assistance with certain aspects of getting dressed and undressed, and I don't have the "reach" I used to have. I'm not very happy about it either, and I'm debating joining a gym so I can get access to the machines I need so I can get to 100% healed. So, what's holding me back? Transportation, mostly. I'd like to go for about an hour three times a week, and having someone to go with me and/or drive me would make it easier for me to do it.  Shilo's work schedule doesn't allow me to do it without disrupting his sleep.


Doing the math only proved to me that joining a gym would be cheaper as well. Honestly, I'm discouraged about this. I hate being dependent on others, and even though I've come a long way, and I can do most of the things I need to do with minimal assistance, I want to be able to do things like folding sheets on my own and scratching my back without assistance. It would also be nice to not stand on my tiptoes to reach above my head.  It's been 9 months of hell, and I'm  wanting to do things that I haven't been able to do.


I plan on searching for gyms nearby and looking into memberships. Hopefully I'll find something that works for me.

UGH!

When I wrote "Overdue Stuff and Emotional Plea" (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/overdue-stuff-and-emotional-plea.html )  I honestly thought everything was neatly packaged, and we were approved for the Townhouse. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be. We received an email about 3 hours ago stating that we weren't approved.


This means we still have a deadline looming ahead, and nowhere to go. I'm now at a low level of panic that won't leave. I'm still not able to drive, so I have lots of time to obsess over things that I can't control.


On the positive side, I have used some of that time to do research, and found a place that does hauling and is higher rated than a national company that Shilo used when he moved into this house. It's also about half the price.


Stitch starts his one week stay-cation in the morning, which was planned well before this insanity started, so I have the task of corralling him and helping him focus on tasks I can't do, like moving heavy stuff. This should be interesting.
I sent an email to a feline re-homing Charity about Fran, with my situation and a cute picture of him in hopes it would help, but no response thus far.


I just have to sit and wait now.

Thoughts

I should be asleep.


We (my Household) were blindsided on Saturday morning. We aren't taking it very well.


I'm feeling burdened by many things that are out of my control, and I feel like screaming something to the effect of "Get me OFF this ride!" Unfortunately, it's not going to happen.


While I think I've finished mourning him, the death of my Mentor, Daddy W, has left me with an empty spot. I understand that there's no one who could possibly fill that hole, but I also feel that it would be helpful to have someone I trust to consult with. I wouldn't expect the day-to-day interaction, and I know it wouldn't be quite the same, but I sometimes hit rough spots, and I miss that Dominant male energy. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate Dominants of any gender, but it's a different interaction. I'm not looking. Just thinking out loud.


Through an odd turn of events, I was near my old stomping grounds on Saturday. It felt pretty good, and it just might be what we need. I'm throwing that in the wind because I'm hoping for a positive outcome.


Also in relationship to that, I wound up doing something I had hoped I could avoid and it might negatively affect Shilo more than anyone else. I know he can handle this, it's just that I worry.


I worry an awful lot. Mostly because the effects of my accident have lasted longer than first expected. I'm still unable to drive, so scheduling things is dependent on Shilo's availability.


That odd turn of events could possibly be the best news ever and it could give me some independence. I could walk places, and that excites me. Asking for positive thoughts.


I see the Ortho doctor Monday morning to discuss my MRI results. I'm a little afraid. I'm unsure as to what's worse: Not knowing, or knowing.


The reality hit us Saturday afternoon. We had to vote on our pets. Who to keep and who to re-home. It made us cry. The good news is that it's not perfect, but our former boarder is taking a cat, so we can have a clear conscience.


Still, I'm panicking.


I want this rough patch to be over already.


"Home" is such a lovely word.


The stress has taken it's toll on my health. I'm surprised it took so long. I'm also feeling better already. Modern medicine is wonderful!


Speaking of medicine, I've decreased the edibles I use. In other words, I'm taking less. I'm not sure if it's because the pain has decreased, or if it's got something to do with it staying in my system longer. I still restrict my usage to 8AM to 3PM only.


I feel emotionally better now than I did when I started writing this 2 hours ago.

BOOM! It Was Bound To Happen!

It's been a mental week. Meaning, I've had quite a bit on my mind. It started with me letting loose in my Journal. Beginning with "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night."

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/gangbangs-and-other-things-that-go-bump.html

I followed up on it 24 hours later with "Sex Talk (A Continuation of Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night)"

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/sex-talk-continuation-of-other-things.html

In that, I mentioned that I was waiting on Stitch to "do something" (anything?) 24 hours later, he still hadn't said or done anything. I was getting increasingly pissed and I wrote "::Radio Silence::"

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/radio-silence.html

Stitch never reads anything I write, so this is a way to vent. Shilo does read my writing, although I'm sure I confuse him at times. What he does know for sure is that when I'm upset about something, it affects everyone. Kind of like that old saying, "If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy." Well, Momma Ain't Happy. I only managed to feel worse when I was updating my blog on Blogspot here, and I decided to go back and read my earliest entries. Most of them were full of Love and a little uncertainty in how I would do at starting my Poly Household. Those made me smile. There were also quite a few entries where I was struggling because I had no clue how to handle the challenges in front of me. Apparently I spent quite a bit of time crying. It's okay though, because there was growth. Then I read the following paragraph written in December 2013:

I can’t really talk about Shilo’s qualities without mentioning Stitch. It wouldn’t be fair. Stitch is loving and caring and, whatever he does, he means well. He’s always anticipating my next move, and will often go above and beyond what is expected/requested of him, often to his own detriment. It’s endearing and irritating. Shilo, on the other hand, is self-assured, and is a pretty good judge of character. He has a low tolerance for people who whine, and he gets things done right the first time without prompting. Where Stitch guesses, Shilo knows, and if I give him something to do, it will be done right.

It was like someone had poured ice cold water over my head. The reality that I had somehow failed with Stitch. It really bothered me. I decided to write about it in a group I belong to on Fetlife:

We all want to move forward, at least I hope we all would. So what happens when you realize someone isn't progressing but staying stuck?

I decided to update my online journal because I couldn't sleep, and when I finished, I read some entries from a little over 3 years ago. In it, I noticed that my complaints/concerns about someone in my life are STILL the same! It made me feel like a failure when it comes to this. Currently, this item is driving a wedge in our relationship, and I'm feeling a combination of anger, frustration, and sadness. Realizing that nothing I've said or done has made a difference.

EDITED TO CLARIFY:
This is one thing that both myself and another have discussed with this person, and it's a combination of behaviors.

1. This person does what they "think" I want instead of asking what I want. This will often wind up with wasting resources as well as time.

2. When this person is reminded that I didn't tell them to do or get that thing, they get an attitude and often blame me.

3. When I sit down with this person and tell them what I really want from them, they don't put any effort into it and make excuses such as "You looked busy" or "you were asleep" in spite of the fact that they know I'm never "too busy" or "too sleepy" for them.

I clarified more:

It's really simple things, but it's built up over time.

EXAMPLE: I'm a creature of habit. Weekday mornings I handle my own stuff, but on weekends, I like coffee. Sometimes with a small amount of cereal in a bowl with a spoon. I also need a larger empty bowl so my coffee cup doesn't accidentally spill. Shilo has taken it upon himself to pay attention and he knows how I like my coffee, so he will bring it to me the way I like it, but he always asks me if I want the cereal before he brings me anything. He will let me sit for an hour or more and not bring anything until I ask, and that's okay. The other person (who has been around much longer) will bring the cup of coffee with all the ingredients on the side in a tray as soon as I appear awake. I know it sounds wonderful, but sometimes I still have to get to the bathroom or remove a cat from my lap, or I'm just nor ready yet. All I want is for him to ask me if I'm ready for (item) or ask if I want (item) or just wait for me to ask. I mean, I ask for everything else. More recently, I've waken up feeling sick and wanted to throw up. Before I can even get up, this person has coffee and everything else on my lap. The results have been ugly. I appreciate the thought, but I'm constantly having to remind him that if I want him to do something, I'll ask, or if he thinks I want something to ask. The breakfast is just an example.There's a lot more.

On the other hand, there is one and only one thing that I like and have requested that they ask me if I want it. It's a treat for me and them as well, and it's something I won't ask for. They know this. I've made it perfectly clear that this treat is to be offered to me, and if they take things into their own hands, there will be hell to pay. This has been happening way too frequently lately.

I'm just left wondering if it's too hard to ask me. Ask and don't assume. I don't mind being waken up, and I'm never too busy to give either of them what they want. I just get tired of having to remind this other person to wait until I either ask, or they can ask me. Just don't assume.

 
I sat on this for over a day, reading replies from members of the group, but avoiding any confrontation with Stitch. Until it happened yet again Friday after dinner. Stitch was in another room, but we could see each other and I was talking to him about something important. He was replying, so I turned my head and continued. Stitch didn't reply. I turned my head, and he was gone! I got up, and invited him into the living room. He already was displaying that "Don't give a shit" attitude, and it pushed me over the edge. I told him to sit down, and I asked him why he walked away when I was still talking. "I thought you were finished." I said, "That's the problem right there. You thought. I didn't tell you I was finished, and you didn't ask. You just walked away." I went on to finish having the discussion I was having with him, and then Shilo explained that I was so concerned over the item I was discussing because I wanted to make sure we all look nice for an upcoming event. Not an easy task when I've lost 40 pounds, and it looks like Shilo took them from me. We decided to take care of my concerns when we got back from our Saturday errands (today).



With that settled, I went back to my main concern. We no longer have weekly Household meetings, and the only way things are going to improve is if we talk about things. He pushed me over the edge by not listening to my concerns, and getting an attitude when I try to tell him anything, and by anything, he even got pissed when I told him I emptied the dishwasher, and the dishes he was putting away so carefully were dirty. I Love him. I made a commitment to him, and I plan on keeping it, but he needs to work with me.



Honestly, I'm not sure if any of what I said about our relationship got through to him, but I tried. I have always told him in the past when he's done those things that are (probably) unintentionally thoughtless in hopes that repeating the message it might get through to him, and my hope is that he will tell me what is bothering him instead of holding it in. There's still that fucking elephant in the room, but he needs to address it. I gave my best. I gave my all. It's his turn.

Uninspired or Unfocused?

We've almost made it through the first month of 2017. I'm sitting here wondering if I'm uninspired by my life as it is, or simply unfocused. Don't get me wrong, plenty of stuff is going on, whether outwardly or behind the scenes, and unless I put it here, it simply goes into my (rapidly fading) memories. I'm not feeling a sense of urgency to talk or even write about stuff that mostly makes sense if you are present in the moment. I could twist it into funny anecdotes, even kinky anecdotes, but why bother? Apathetic is a good word for this. I've reached homeostasis in my life. Every system is predictable. Just where it should be. My "road" isn't "bumpy", it's paved and straight as far as the eye can see. There are a few places coming up where I might turn, like an interesting looking diner or two with an unknown menu, but even though they are getting closer, I'm not feeling the urgency that I normally would. Don't let the calm demeanor fool you. I'm totally out of control. It's a self driving car, and I'm snugly buckled up in the passenger seat. I can yell STOP!!! all I want to, but it's not like it's going to stop just because I want it to.


Since I can't quite tell you where I'm going, I'll share where I've been. January 16th, I saw my Ortho doctor using my new insurance plan. He ordered New PT because my new coverage didn't cover my old PT. He also ordered an MRI. Neither of them are things I'm looking forward to. I got a call Friday to (finally!) set up those appointments. Because I'm physically unable to drive (trust me, I tried and I frightened myself!) I have to depend on Shilo, and his schedule (graves) affects when I can go anywhere, and if you keep in mind that I have his time limits, plus the ones imposed by the places I need to be seen, it's a scheduling nightmare. My MRI is on Sunday the 5th. I use google calendar, so I put it in and sent Shilo (who was dead asleep) an email. He neglected to write Superbowl on that day, so I forgot. 6 hours later, he asked me why I would plan something on Superbowl Sunday. Maybe because it wasn't on the calendar? I'm not a mind reader, and every day melts into every other day unless I schedule something. I only know it's Saturday or Sunday because Stitch is here, and there's the Wednesday alarm to move the car for street cleaning, and Thursday to unlock the gate so the pool can get cleaned. A few weeks ago, when Shilo had the plague, I moved the car. That convinced me once and for all that I cannot drive the car. The Super Bowl can get recorded on the DVR. Problem solved! The next day, I get my new PT assessment. A week later (2-13) I see the Ortho doctor again to discuss my options in detail. Am I the only one who is disturbed that it will have been 4 weeks since he ordered everything until I see him again? Or, rather, that I had to wait 3 weeks for everything to be taken care of? Then I remind myself that my copay is only $10, so maybe I have no right to complain. Driverless car, here I go!


I also saw my GP last week on Monday (1-23) for a routine appointment to check my labs (blood sugar and A1c) and as I've said before, I dropped about 40 pounds since my accident, so he couldn't say I've been misbehaving, but I also know that I'm not taking my metformin the way I'm supposed to (once a day instead of twice) so I told him that before he could even discuss the numbers with me, my numbers, in case you're wondering, were good. Right where he wants them, and my blood pressure is good as well. I was almost breathing that sigh of relief when he asked about my frozen shoulder and how that was progressing (going nowhere fast crossed my mind) and I told him I was off the opiates and NSAID's for pain. I was going to leave it at that, but Shilo asked me if I was going to "come clean". I smiled tersely at Shilo, and told my doctor about using edibles, which turned into a discussion about CBD's, THC and smoking. He asked me if I get high, and I told him that I have no pain, but never feel high. Thankfully, Shilo said nothing about that one episode. I'd rather forget it if I could. Live and learn. It turns out that my doctor is very open-minded about the benefits of medical marijuana, and he said it was better than me taking pain medications every 4 hours around the clock.


I haven't had that discussion with my Ortho doctor, and I'm avoiding it if possible. He seems rather old-fashioned, and having that discussion might prevent me from having the treatments I need. We'll see what happens in February.


The House I live in has been sold. The company that purchased it is working with us to assist us in relocating. Shilo has been handling business, so I'm only told what I need to know. I've been really calm about this since I found out a few weeks ago, It's easy to be calm when you realize everything going on around you is completely out of your control. I'm still the Dominant, Mistress, and Head of Household, but my job is to heal and make decisions if necessary, and the decisions are being made for us. I'm strangely removed from all this. Saying "Okay" has become second nature. I'm being taken care of. No panic, just waiting for it to come.


Speaking of being removed, there was an upheaval where I receive my mental health care. In the past year, I've had 3 changes in therapists/psychiatrists. Normally, changes would put me in a tailspin, but with the way 2016 was, it barely registered with me. Other than my long-term doctor retiring in January last year, I never really formed an attachment with any of the people. I mean, how could I even begin to trust someone who might not be around the next time I had an appointment? In December, I was given what will hopefully be a permanent doctor. I saw him yesterday for the second time, and while he's not unpleasant, all he wants to know is if I need refills on my antidepressant. I spent less than 10 minutes in his office which was long enough for me to tell him I was fine on the antidepressants, the house was sold, and I felt oddly removed from it all, but I wasn't depressed. He seemed satisfied and reminded me to make an appointment on my way out. He seems even more removed than I feel. It would be a lie for me to say I don't care, because I do, but not enough for me to make a scene in a mostly unoccupied Mental Health Clinic. I did think to tell him that I've been on the same medication since 1997, and that it works, and that if I ever have a problem, I'll call him, so please if I call for him to realize it's serious. He barely glanced at me, but at least he pronounces my unusual name correctly, so I can't complain. ::YAWN::

OTHER STUFF

I really am mostly pain free with the edibles, although because I have a really sharp sense of smell, I'll tell you that I reek of pot, but I'm the only one who can smell it. My right arm movement is limited, but I've mastered the use of using paddles with my left arm, and Shilo is back to receiving funishment spankings. We even filmed over the weekend. A friend cut my hair last week, so now I can do almost all my hair care with minimal assistance. When I showered Monday morning, other than the shampooing, I stood up and did it without asking for help to get scrubbed. The chair is in there if I need it, but I'm trying to be as independent as possible. I also attended the munch in Lake Forest this past Friday night. My kink activities will be limited to weekends until I'm able to drive again, or deemed "recovered" whichever comes first, but I'm not holding my breath.


I also spent Saturday going through all the things I inherited from Daddy W. His ex-wife brought it to me a week after he died, but I was in so much pain then that I barely remember what I had been given. I guess she kept his knife collection, but I have his paddles, favorite floggers, a neon wand, and other goodies.


I guess I'm inspired and focused after all. It's just that I am in a position where I'm not in the driver's seat, and there's someone driving for me, but the driver changes frequently. Insurance company, Ortho doctor, GP, Shilo, the real estate people. Yadda yadda, yadda...


Also, because I know they will see this, I miss my boyfriend and his girlfriend. Hugs and kisses to them!

One Week Ago

Let me start by saying that this wasn't a horrible week at all; however, the rain and cold has made me stiff and uncomfortable. I committed myself to only use/take edibles between the hours of 8AM to 5PM so I could avoid adverse interactions between it and my current medications. I also avoid edibles when I see my Ortho doctor, so he can see where my pain level is and my abilities without the benefit of pain relievers. Enough background.


I saw my Ortho doctor a week ago (Monday morning) and presented him with the report from my Physical Therapist. Because of my new coverage, seeing him was only $10 vs. $60, so that was a plus. The x-rays he took showed just a faint line where the break on the ball area of my humerus was, and a slightly bumpy area where the break between my elbow and shoulder was. The bone healed nicely in spite of the severity of it. I consider that a plus. Unfortunately, my inability to use my right arm properly due to the frozen shoulder and possible nerve damage still means I have a long recovery ahead. Options were discussed.


Did I mention that I have come to hate the term/word "Options?" Options used to be a nice word. Coffee or tea? Cake or pie? Cook dinner or go out? Walk or drive? Nowadays, Options consist of choosing the least disagreeable choice of two unpleasant choices. Do we stick in a long needle and give me a cortisone injection, or do we go in and do arthroscopic surgery and break up the scar tissue? Honestly, neither one sounds fun, but the chicken in me likes the idea of getting the surgery done. I'm already in pain, so the idea of being "out" while it gets fixed once and for all just seems more pleasant. I've been told that cortisone injections are the preferred method, but I'm more scared of the needle than being cut open. The first few days and weeks after the accident I was in so much pain that I was screaming in pain and crying constantly. I don't go into hysterics, the tears just keep rolling down. I'm a silent crier. It's a way of self-preservation for me. If I'm not heard, I can't be found (Don't ask) Sunshine will sob loudly, but not me. Yeah, so those are the ugly options.


Not so fast! Before either of the options can be done, I will need an MRI and more PT. Because of the new coverage, I don't know how long it will be until the MRI or PT will be scheduled, but I'm not holding my breath. It seems it all has been a case of hurry up and wait. In the meantime, I see my GP for a routine visit this afternoon. It should be fun. I'll try to be better about my updates.

Progress Report and Insurance Woes

---

Let's start with the Insurance. Calling it "Insurance woes" isn't exactly right, but it's easier to write than Insurance confusion. Go far enough back in my writing, and you'll discover nearly everything about my annoying preexisting medical conditions (diabetes, sleep apnea and others) You'll also find out about my accident in late July, and all the resulting problems and complications. 2016 wasn't kind, and I'm truly hoping for a better 2017 in spite of how much of the problems from 2016 have followed me into 2017.


Let's go back to that pesky medical insurance. My PT was ordered by the Orthopedic Specialist in hopes that my frozen shoulder (a result of my right humerus being broken in TWO places and a complication related to my diabetes) would improve. Every visit to the Orthopedic Specialist or PT cost us (the Household) $60. I was supposed to go to PT three times a week, and I saw the Orthopedic Specialist around five times last year. You can do the math. Well, when I went to my first PT appointment, my Physical Therapist looked at my copay, and reduced my appointments to once a week. Still, this meant that Shilo had to take on extra shifts at work to fund this. He didn't mind, because my health was always a priority for him, and he walked into our relationship knowing full well about my health at that time. I was actually going into liver failure at the time due to NAFLD. (http://www.liverfoundation.org/abouttheliver/info/nafld/) I hadn't been diagnosed with diabetes yet, that came as a surprise later. Let's just say he knew everything, and he accepted me and all my baggage, including my 5 adult children and Stitch. Anyway, you get the picture. The cost of my 4 prescriptions a month ($180) and CPAP supplies ($600 a year) and that's just me. I went from being self-sufficient to a burden overnight due to my accident. Visits to my GP were another $40, and I went about 4 times last year. Then there were the ambulance and ER charges etc. from the accident (too much to quote here) Fortunately those last charges were billed, so it wasn't straight out of pocket at the moment. We'll be paying that off for years to come.


We've established that even with medical insurance, I'm expensive. I had also become a burden, because I lost my independence. I needed help using the bathroom, eating, dressing, bathing, hair care, Everything. Neither Stitch or Shilo complained, even when things got ugly. They preserved my dignity as much as possible, cleaning me as often as I needed, dressing me up, and Shilo drove me wherever I needed to go. All with minimal complaint. Fortunately, due to the PT, I can now take care of nearly everything independently, except I still need my hair washed, and the occasional help getting dressed and putting on shoes and socks. I can't scrub my back using the brush without help and I have a long way to go. More on that later...


So, in November, in the midst of all this confusion, Stitch was given the opportunity to add me to his new Medical Insurance with no extra cost to him. The best news was that ALL doctor/medical visits would only cost $10 effective January 2017. Even the cost of my medication would go down to just over $20 month for all of them! At one point, my medication was costing us $180 a month. This was a reason to celebrate!


So, Monday morning was my final PT appointment before I see my Orthopedic Specialist on Monday morning next week. I was so excited about having to only pay $10 instead of the usual $60. Well... until I was told my new insurance didn't cover the PT provider because it was out of network. Fortunately, I still have the other coverage for another month, so I was able to pay $60 and get my final appointment and assessment. I need the surgery (DUH!!!) because my Range of Motion is still lacking in many areas. I could originally lift my arm straight up to 90 degrees, and now it's up to 115 degrees, so that's a huge improvement for me, but it means I can't reach above my head with my right arm, and I'm too young to be this limited. Also, my right elbow can't flex outwards at all, and trying makes me cry. Nevermind that any BDSM play is next to impossible if I use my right arm.


Well, after the news about my PT provider being out of network, I realized that there might be further problems, because my Orthopedic Specialist might not be in my network either. I tried the website, but it was increasingly frustrating for me, so I gave in and called and spoke to Customer Service. The first option was to see if I could get Continuity of care. NOPE! Next step was to see if the new insurance had my soon to be ending HMO available. Another NOPE! The final option was to see if they had any HMO available with my PCP and Orthopedic Specialist in the same network. YES!!! All this confusion took only 20 minutes to solve, but I felt like it had taken much longer. I called there on the verge of tears, but the Representative was so polite and patient with me that I soon relaxed, because for the first time in quite a while, I felt like this woman cared about my medical concerns. I was the priority, not the Insurance Provider.


My next step was to call my PCP and tell them about my new Insurance coverage and request an expedited referral to my current Orthopedic Specialist because of my new Insurance. It had to be expedited due to my appointment being in a week. My next step was to call my CPAP company and change to my new Insurance info, and order supplies. I'm not sure how much my coverage is, but my previous insurance didn't cover my supplies. I'll find out how much the coverage is when my supplies arrive.


I know that this isn't kinky in any way, but once I'm all better and healed, I'll be able to do all sorts of kinky things, and there's nothing kinkier than a woman who can do everything for herself.


Things are looking better and even though surgery will be necessary, and many more months of PT, I won't be such a financial burden on my Household, and that's the best I can ask for right now.

Last Straw?

I'm not intentionally airing dirty laundry, which is why most people will remain nameless. 2016 finally did it! Today I received a particularly depressing bit of news and reading it made me feel a combination of sick, depressed, and scared. Honestly, it's not anyone's "fault", although fingers could easily be pointed in every direction.  


The following is a story of good intentions gone bad. In mid-2013, acquaintances (a married couple) of mine had a series of unfortunate events happen to them, and they had to move to a remote location. Unfortunately, they couldn't find a buyer. Right about that time, Shilo and myself were discussing wedding plans, and were looking for a house that would fit Shilo, myself, Stitch, my dog (a lab) and our cats. The house was perfect as far as space was concerned, so I put down a hefty sized (for me) down payment and signed a 3 year lease option, fully expecting that my finances would be perfect and I would be able to make the purchase. I was told to treat the house like it was mine, and I did. I painted, added a security door to the front, and did other things over the first year. I got settled. I was happy. We "inherited" their (the previous owners) two cats. We adopted Donna (our pitbull) from the pound to keep our lab company. Unfortunately, our lab developed a sudden health problem, and had to be euthanized a few months later. Still, things were good.


About the middle of our second year, medical bills began to pile up due to Shilo having digestive issues, and making ends meet became more difficult. He was finally diagnosed with a gluten sensitivity. Shilo's mother died in July 2015, which only added to our stress levels. Last-minute plane tickets to Mississippi cleaned out our savings, and we were living on credit we no longer really had. Jonathan was diagnosed with cancer, I had a mini heart attack, and then Shilo broke his ankle at a dungeon, and all that happened on October 2015! In November, I injured my wrist, but fortunately, it was a sprain. December 2015 consisted of lots of ups and downs emotionally, as I continued to adjust to being the only driver. Jonathan went through several death scares, and I was buckling under the pressure. I'm human, and I realized that I can't do it all. Through all of the insanity, I continued to make sure we paid on the house, because I invested in it.


The endless windstorms in February 2016 caused our picket fence to collapse and it was irreparable. Cleaning up the mess wasn't my idea of fun, but I did it with the assistance of Stitch. In March, Shilo finally got better, and Jonathan got a bone marrow transplant. By late April, Jonathan developed graft vs. host disease and norovirus and I became his primary mode of transportation. Bills continued piling up, and my credit, Stitch's credit, and Shilo's credit was shit. Suffice to say, I could see the future, and it wasn't so bright, and I kept hoping things would improve. Only it got worse.


The end of July, I broke my humerus in two places, and, once again, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. That injury disabled me. I was (and still am) completely unable to drive, and I required assistance for everything else. A week later, the refrigerator died. We tried to get it fixed, but were told that we should just buy a new one. We decided that renting would be easier. By early September the bone healed, but pain control was difficult, and I was unable to do my PT exercises and couldn't figure out why. 7 weeks later, near the end of October, my Ortho doctor explained that I had a frozen shoulder, which was a complication related to my being diabetic. I was sent to PT three times a week at $60 a visit. Shilo started working OT to pay for it. My prescription (narcotic) medicine for pain wasn't working either, but you all know that story.


In the meantime, at the end of September, we received an email reminding us that our three years were up, and we had to do something about purchasing the house we could no longer buy due to everything. We went through the motions of getting a home loan, and were denied. Lost doesn't begin to describe how we were feeling, and because of my injury and pain not getting better, I left everything up to Shilo.


Normally, leaving things affecting me up to Shilo works well. What I didn't know as that if it affects him as well, he's like a deer in the headlights. Things only got worse. Partly because of that, and also because the washing machine finally died as well. Again, it was suggested by the repair company that we buy a new one. We opted to use the laundromat instead.


We also kept looking for a buyer for the house, which has been a difficult prospect, although there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Then, two weeks ago, our water heater wasn't working, so we bought a new one, expecting that we would be reimbursed, but it still wasn't working, so the gas company shut off our gas on Christmas eve. It turned out there was a gas leak UNDER the house, so we got that fixed as well, still expecting to be reimbursed. I thought Shilo was keeping everyone informed as it happened, but now it seems that the owners are not only getting a divorce (which makes me sad) but the male of the couple feels that Shilo was slow about informing him on what was going on.


I'm honestly not sure how to feel at this point, other than what I described at the beginning of this. While I understand that that that the male is no doubt going through a difficult time, it feels like he is blaming us for everything that happened, and he expects us to not only pay for the repairs (totaling nearly 2 months rent!) but also our rent. Or, at least that's what I gathered from his last email.


I'm trying not to panic, and there's so much more details I could get into, but all I see is huge brick wall on front of me. I'm hoping things improve.

I Can't Feel My Face! (12-28-16)

Warning:

If you are offended by Religion (in general) what happens to a body when someone dies, terrorists (in general). Love or loss of body function, please leave now. I got nothing for you.


It was bound to happen eventually. Using edibles for pain requires trial and error. My morning routine of starting with breakfast and a sour strawberry straw was only working until about 3PM, and then I would eat a cola bottle to get me through the rest of the day, and it wasn't quite working. I was debating this yesterday when I woke up. I figured I'd see how I did with two sour strawberry straws (about 36mg) and go from there.


I got my edible bag (a purse that has my edibles in it) and noticed a caramel fudge that was 35 mg. I decided to eat it. I mean, what harm could there be? I put the sour strawberry straws away, and ate the caramel fudge instead. It tasted good. I played games on my phone waiting for it to work.


About an hour later, it happened. My vision got blurry, my body got warm, and my face was numb. The warmth kept washing over me, and my heartbeat skyrocketed. I thought I was going to die. I know that I'd have to consume more than I could possibly eat to actually overdose, and even then, it wouldn't kill me. I even knew it at that point, but my heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid.


I remember saying that I didn't want to die yet because I want to see my (overdue) grandson first. I put on my CPAP to help me breathe, and then I asked Shilo what would happen if I stopped breathing. Then I said "Nevermind, my lungs will just fill with air and then explode in my chest cavity." Then I went on about how when I died my mouth would pop open, so the air would rush out through it, and how it was a good thing I had on a diaper because I didn't want to piss and shit on the recliner and ruin it.


Then the inquisition started. The best way to explain it was that questions formed in my head about my life, and I had to answer out loud. I said That I believe in God, and I explained my belief regarding The Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I explained that I also believe that Satan is as real as God is, and that I believe in Heaven and hell. I asked about purgatory, and I said that I feel earth is purgatory, but I wasn't sure. I didn't get an answer.


I was asked about love. Could I feel enough love for everyone? Could I really forgive everyone, and find love in my heart for them? I found the forgiveness for everyone, including myself. Then I told them that since my Mom could do it, I could too. I even went on to say that I knew (person) asked forgiveness for the mean way she acted towards me, so I could forgive her and love her as well. I said that everyone who died before me had gone through this, and I knew it was the only right thing to do. I let go of my anger.


I saw where I held certain people to a standard that I have only recently reached myself. How dare I be angry at Jonathan's (now-ex) girlfriend for what she did, when I've done things I'm not proud of either? I remembered all the things I did and I explained why I did them, and how I could have handled it better.


I discussed that I realized how fortunate I was to be where I am. Soldiers aren't gunning down people in the street, and we aren't being bombed. Girls aren't being forced to marry and have kids before they're 12.


I asked Shilo what time it was, and was surprised it had only been 10 minutes. It felt like HOURS. I went back to the inquisition. I said "God knows I'm not perfect." and then I laughed, because for all I knew, it was God asking the questions.


I talked about my mental health, and how I hated being treated like I was fragile just because of the depression, PTSD et.al. I hate that there is a stigma. Why not just accept the mental illness? See the whole person. Don't be afraid. 


I talked about my fears. I realized I was less afraid by telling my fears. It got to the point I laughed after saying the words "I'm afraid." The truth is that because I believe on God, God watches over me, so I don't have to be afraid.


I talked about prayer and I explained that I felt it must be like being an "A list" celebrity. Everyone wants a piece of you. You have no privacy. All the millions of requests coming in at once. Why should I bother God with my concerns when there are so many people who are suffering more than me?


I was reminded that I need to stop being so selfish. "See the big picture, think globally." How do my actions affect others?


I talked about Osama bin Ladin,terrorists, ISIS, and people in other hate groups. How we all had different world views and that just because I viewed him as a horrible human being (just like Hitler) it didn't mean that everyone saw him like that. Surely, someone must have loved and admired him, and maybe even saw him as a hero. I talked about criminals in general and how I have no sympathy for them. They deserve punishment, but I also admitted that God is the Judge, not me.


I talked about "lizard-face" (Mohamed Atta) and how to me, he represented all that was evil on this world. I talked about "If you see something, say something" and how ridiculous it was. I joked about how I doubted he would have tweeted his plans, or added it as a status on Facebook or MySpace. I speculated that he probably only discussed it with people who would approve. Otherwise, wouldn't his plans have been thwarted? Never learning how to land a plane is a red flag.


I talked about romantic/sexual Love, desire, BDSM and Polyamory. About what my love style is, and how it came to be. Things I know God knows about me, but I was told to talk about it.


I asked about why submissive men worry so much about what they're wearing to a dungeon when it won't even be worn that long before someone takes it off. I never got any answers to my questions, but I got answers about what makes me me, and I saw all the love I really do have, and how easy forgiveness is when you know that everyone will get to go through it. It's easy to forgive when you know they asked for forgiveness with a pure heart, and knowing that if their heart wasn't pure, it was up to God. What mattered at that moment was the purity of my heart.


Sunshine came out a few times and complained that she was sick. I went through so many feelings, but late last night when I finally felt somewhat normal, I realized that having enough love in my heart for everyone, and forgiving them was important. Even more important, I need to forgive myself. Think globally. That was the message I got from my inquisition.


On a more practical note, I learned that I need to only eat predictable things.

Well, THAT was different!

Ever since I fractured my humerus in two places (#1 halfway between the elbow and shoulder straight across. #2 The ball portion of the shoulder straight down which was tiny but more serious.) I've had issues with pain management. At first, the medication (50mg of Tramadol every 8 hours) kept my pain level to a 3, but also put me to sleep most of the time. When it hit the two week mark, my pain was at an 8 with the Tramadol, so I added 500mg of naprosyn every 8 hours as well. That meant I was up every 4 hours, taking either one or the other. That kept me at 5 for about a week, but then it shot back up to an 8. When my pain is at an 8, I can't concentrate, I'm irritable, and I cry. (probably due to depression) Horrible thoughts go through my head as well.

Several years ago, a dear (vanilla) friend got injured, and to cope with the pain, she turned to alcohol and drugs. My mind went there many times. "Take a shot or two of brandy, it won't hurt." I wasn't able to drive (I'm still not) so I would invent ways in my head to get some, but I never followed through. Still, my pain was at an 8, so I stopped taking the medication altogether for about 10 days, knowing my tolerance for the medication would decrease and it would work better. I went 10-14 days with the medication and 10 days off. Nobody should have to live like that!


Getting a frozen shoulder as a complication due to my diabetes only made things worse. I'd cry at PT, and spend the next 48 hours in my recliner, only getting up to use the bathroom. I used Ben Gay, heating pads, and take the pain meds. It was ineffective at best. My entire life revolves around my pain and how it affects everyone around me. I'm rarely pleasant, and it's difficult to be polite when I can't take a shower without assistance. I understand. I know it's a horrible chore to bathe me and wash my hair. I used to do that as a job in a rehab center, and later, at an AIDS hospice. I was required to bathe my patients daily, and I'm lucky if it gets done to me 3 times a week. (YUCK!!!)


Misery loves company, so I sometimes vent on my status update. I guess it was a month ago, a friend suggested I try CBD for pain management. This requires a prescription for medical marijuana in California. I haven't smoked/used marijuana in about 35 years. I sat on this and debated until about a week ago. I had a long detailed discussion with Shilo and Stitch about what this would mean, and risks associated with it for me. We agreed that the benefits outweighed the risks. My next step was to google doctors who prescribed medical marijuana. I found one that was semi-local to me, and he had good ratings. The price for a visit wasn't horribly bad, so I made plans to go on Friday. (12-16)


There were 2 other people in the waiting room when I signed in. I sat and waited about 30 minutes. I had my most recent lab work with me along with questions. Whenever I see a doctor, I expect a short exam followed by questions. I also expect to see a live person who is concerned with my well-being. Imagine my surprise when I was sat in front of a computer and talked to a doctor via Skype! I was even more shocked (appalled!) when he asked me how much pot I was currently smoking! This guy was off to bad start already. His laughing and jokes made me even more uncomfortable. He was even more surprised when I asked him about edibles ("Don't worry, the people at the dispensary will answer all your questions." WTF???!!!) I felt cheated. Is this how it's really done? He told me I'd get my blood pressure taken and that I was approved. All I could think was Well, THAT was different! Then the receptionist told me that she didn't need my blood pressure and I paid her and got my prescription that was good for one year. Honestly, I'm surprised that there aren't stricter laws for getting a prescription. Maybe I'm old school, but this was definitely hinky.


I was kind of relieved that when we got to the dispensary a few miles away it was tightly controlled. Still, she tried to sell me "flower" (fancy term for the green stuff) Again, I discussed edibles, and she showed me what they had. I bought something called Cheeba Chews on her recommendation and 2 salted caramels because it looked good. I know I only needed a little, so that was enough to last me a week.

 

My Assessment:

Seeing a doctor via Skype is just a little too weird for me. He was unprofessional, and I doubt I would ever return.

The Cheeba Chews is just nasty tasting, but it's effective. I won't buy it anymore.

I like the salted caramel, and I only need half of one to be pain free for most of the day.

I think I'd rather stick to buying small edibles vs. the large ones (cookies, brownies, crispy bars)

The dispensary is almost too overwhelming for me.

I really think I need someone who is more experienced to assist me in picking out edibles that isn't an employee of the dispensary because there are too many choices.

ADDENDUM:

No, I will not name the doctor or the dispensary.