2020 Year In Review: A Personal Outlook

Our Internet, cable, and Wi-Fi went out on New Year’s Day, and was out until the evening of the 4^th so I say better late than never.(Originally posted ELSEWHERE)

2020 will no doubt go into the record books as being a horrible year, but I'm going to inject my reality into it. Bear in mind that this is a NON-POLITICAL PERSONAL journal entry:

My long-term Partner-In-Crime, Stitch, was laid off in early February. Then, later that month my older sister with dementia had lung cancer surgery. It enabled my niece (her only child) and I to get closer after many years of estrangement.

In March, as the COVID-19 pandemic started affecting California, and quarantine/lockdowns became a reality, I took over grocery shopping for my older sister due to her health status. Waiting in line to get into a grocery store for 45 minutes to an hour was a reality, and her favorite store was frequently out of her favorite foods, so I had to get creative to find what she needed and wanted. It turns out that the grocery store I use most had nearly everything she needed and at lower prices!

In late April/early May, I had an accident that totaled my car that I inherited when my Mother died 7 years before. It was a very difficult time for me emotionally, but made easier because my older sister (the one who had the cancer surgery in February) had added my name to her car that she no longer drove back in January, so I was able to take it and get it back in working order. The insurance money I received was more than enough to cover all the work needed, including new tires.

By mid-May, Stitch, got a part-time temporary job working for a large retailer known for low prices. In September he received a card that gave his household an employee discount. With everything going on, that discount is very helpful.

June was quiet, and in the middle of July, I had my quarantine birthday (Happy 59^th!) then, near the end of July, my 8 y/o granddaughter infected her entire household with COVID-19 (Her father [child #5] her mother [my DIL] her uncle [child #4 AKA Babyman, who also happens to be disabled and is high-risk] her little brother, age 3, and her baby sister, age 14 months) It was a worrisome time for me, but they all had mild symptoms and recovered without winding up in the hospital.

In September, they bought and moved into their first house. It's still in the same area, but much closer to me. Also in September, I finally had dental insurance and began treatment that I thought would be finished by the end of October. Guess what? I'm STILL undergoing treatment, and currently have a messed up smile (Thank goodness for masks!) and eating has been an adventure for over 3 months.

In October, my Husband and Chosen One, Shilo, received the news we've been waiting to hear. His numbers are undetectable, meaning that his prostate cancer is under control. Yes, he still has to take his chemotherapy, but it's mostly a precaution because he has/had Advanced Metastatic Prostate Cancer. Two years ago, he was told that if he decided to not undergo treatment (chemo and radiation) he would die within 2 years. I'm so grateful that he did the chemo and radiation. Yes, they left him with some nasty side effects, but it's better than being dead.

In November, we celebrated Shilo’s 64^th Birthday by serenading him. With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, finding a normal-sized turkey (12 lbs) was impossible, so I wound up buying a 22 lbs(!) turkey and freezing the leftovers. Good thing I like turkey! I also decided that this was the year I tried making fruitcake.

December was a month of baking and cooking unlike anything I could have imagined! Total "damage" was 11 fruitcakes, homemade candied orange peel, orange-infused sugar, and orange syrup, homemade candied lime peel, lime-infused sugar, and lime syrup. I even made a lime pie for dessert for Christmas along with brownies, and of course, my Mom's Christmas Pork recipe for Christmas breakfast. I did cancel a dentist appointment on the 21st and rescheduled it for the 30th because I wanted to enjoy eating Christmas dinner. Instead of removing my lower 4 teeth front teeth when I saw the dentist he only removed TWO (2!). Again I say "Thank goodness for masks!"

So here it is, the New Year 7 days old, and I'm back to eating soft food, and my speech is mostly unintelligible, but like I jokingly told the dentist "Out with the old (teeth), and in with the new (in a few weeks)"

Saving the best for last, on New Year’s Eve, I was told that effective January 1, 2021, Stitch was hired as a full-time permanent employee. Also a very special acknowledgment to my FIL and MIL who have been VERY supportive of us this past year, and I/We are extremely grateful for all the help they've provided.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

It's Six O'Clock Somewhere...

Hello my people! Whether you are a first-time reader, an occasional reader, or someone who reads everything I write, you are "My" people. You share an interest in whatever I write about, or maybe you show up for the occasional (okay, rare) nudes of myself, Shilo, or one of my other "victims." Either way, happy to have you here!

I've had many changes over the years, including a complete stop of BDSM and Domestic Discipline of my Husband/Chosen One/slave Shilo due to his ongoing problems related to his health. Currently, his Advanced metastatic prostate cancer is under control thanks to his Chemotherapy (an injection every 3 months) and last year's Radiation, although they have some unpleasant side effects. Still better than being dead, and 2 years ago, he only had maybe 2 years to live without treatment, so I'm happy.

Related to all that, Shilo recently decided to talk to his doctor about his desire to engage in sexual activity, and related to that, although not mentioned to the doctor, is his interest in spanking and other related activity has returned. I NEVER, not once, complained about his lack of interest since his diagnosis, because it's not like he has had any control in the matter. This was his decision to do something about it, and I'm glad it was Shilo's decision, because it means a lot to me.

Last week, Shilo sent me an email titled "The Six O'Clock Alarm" and because it is personal, yet relevant, especially to couples who may have reached a point of disinterest, or maybe a dry spell, I wanted to share the email with you.  In the interest of presenting it in my blog, I've changed some You's to me, etc. Please enjoy!

The Six O'Clock Alarm

His phone alarm goes off at 6PM, every day.

Am I in the kitchen, at the computer, in bed, next to him, not home? If I am easy to find, he may ask me something like "You in?" or "You game?"

He will not wake me for this – appointment. If I am asleep, It's canceled. 

IF I am not home, it's canceled. IF I say 'No', with or without a reason, doesn't matter, it's canceled. He can cancel, too, for health issues.

IF we're both in and willing:

He will enter Stitch’s bedroom (on the rare occasion that Stitch might be occupying his bedroom at this particular time, we'll adjust this to our room). Shilo will prepare himself, in terms of state of undress suitable for the temperature, and position himself for a spanking.

Before I enter the bedroom, I will go into the Dining Room to use the dice. There is paper, and a pen nearby. I will roll ONE die, to indicate the number of spanking implements I get to pick. Then I will roll BOTH dice, to indicate how many swats of the each implement.... and write the numbers down. I will continue rolling, one roll for each implement, until my list is complete. (EXAMPLE: I roll a 4, so four implements, and then I roll 10, so ten swats with the first implement, then I roll 3, so three swats with the second, and so on...)

This MAY result in one implement, two swats. This MAY result in six implements, twelve swats each. That's just... the way the dice roll.

I will go into the bedroom, select my implement(s), and (this would be a great time for me to say anything that comes to mind, along the lines of “I'm glad I'm about to spank you, because you did this, or I'm upset about that”), and deliver the indicated number of swats to his anxiously-waiting bare bottom.

I will put down the implement, select my next, employ it, and so on until I have finished with the number of implements indicated, and then I will announce by saying, "Done!" so he knows I’m finished. If I’m feeling nice, I will ask him to pose for pictures for his diary. I might then say, cheerily, "All done!" or perhaps, grumpily, any other words that lets him know he can get up, get dressed, put away implements, etc. He might even offer a 'thank you' of an intimate nature, right after. I may accept or refuse, my choice.

Back to the cancellations mentioned above: If there are three cancellations in any one week period (Sunday to Saturday) we will have a conference to assess the reasons, and decide if the plan is working for us.

Positive to this plan: no guesswork as to the other's mood, no hemming and hawing. No asking or demanding. This is not punishment or discipline, which Shilo resents. For me, this could be therapeutic, I can think about the number of times I wanted to spank him, and he wouldn't cooperate.

Negative to this plan is no spontaneity. Spontaneity has not worked great for us, anyway. No adjustment to the number of swats decided by the dice. If I don't think the number is big enough, I can wait another day. Or lie. He has no way of verifying the numbers that came up on the dice. I might be pissed off by something he did and decide, without rolling any dice, that the numbers are 6x12.

So, my people, what do YOU think? Do you have any thoughts or input?

I will share that I had my doubts, but since that email, we have done this three separate times, and it has worked out well for us.

Some Updates

Some of these are past due, but I've been more than a little preoccupied.


Right around June of this year, Shilo finally got to the point where he realized that he was on what I call a path of self-destruction.  He has decided that "Master B" is good for me, and while they will never become best friends, he has become accepting of our relationship and is friendly with him.  We've even gone out to dinner together and  Shilo finally sees how much he has in common with him.

Shilo also started taking better care of his diabetes and now is on insulin. He wants to stay as healthy as possible, and he's made great strides in eating right. Yes, he occasionally has snacks that aren't the best, but he's eating more vegetables, and is more willing to eat fruit instead sweets.

Our six year wedding anniversary is only 23 days away, and it really has been the best 6 years of my life. I feel loved and appreciated, and while things haven't been easy at times, he's been a quick learner.

We're closer now than I could have ever imagined, and it's because of his conscious effort to be present whenever possible.

I have pretty much retired from seeking a masochist to play with, and yes, it's a sacrifice I've done willingly. Still "Master B" understands what a sacrifice it's been, so he has bottomed for me several times, and his wife has offered to have me co-top with her when she has a play date, so there is that as well.

 My health is improving, and I meet my new GP in 6 weeks.

Also, I finally took some time to see my girl Trish this week. She lives in the Inland Empire area, which is notorious for it's heat, but we managed to stay cool, and it's been several months.

I just keep trying to focus on the positive here.

Vanilla Views and Outlooks

In case you've been hiding under a rock, or perhaps too preoccupied to notice, my husband/slave, Shilo, has Advanced Metastatic Prostate Cancer.  It has affected us in many ways, and because I was so frightened in the beginning because it just started as a suspicion, I started a new (vanilla) blog which you can find at the end of this entry.

Please feel free to read or leave messages, but keep in mind that it is totally vanilla, and I would prefer that it not get linked back to this page.

Thank you,
Merry

Here's the link:

https://alostwifesjourney.blogspot.com/

Something On My Mind

Let me start off by saying that I am okay. Yes, I have had the cold from hell for nearly three weeks, but it is getting better.

However, the thought that nobody gets out of here alive has been on my mind. Mortality. Every one of us will die one day. It's unpredictable. A crapshoot. I've watched healthy people die, while their sickly counterpart lived on. It happens. I for one, never imagined that I would get old. I figured that I would die young. Yes, these days, I still feel young, but I'm still much older than I ever imagined I would be.

I will say that I am at peace with myself. I don't fear my own death. I haven't ever since that incident in December 2016.(https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2016/12/i-cant-feel-my-face-12-28-16.html) Still, I'm in no rush to leave this world. I have plenty of reasons to live, even on my crappy days. What I do fear is the death and loss of others, and how it will affect me. I guess it's a common enough worry.  I remind myself that I have made it through rough spots already, but it leaves me with little comfort.

Sometimes I fear being old and alone more than anything. Silly, I know, but if I had the choice, I would like to go with Shilo and Stitch. All three of us, gone together. Let my kids deal with it. It's the epitome of laziness. Once I'm dead, who cares if all my kinks are discovered? They know about the polyamory, so I doubt anything will shock them.

Forgiveness.  Being able to forgive yourself and others. I can do that. Forgive others. Easy. I don't hold grudges.  If someone did something that horrible, it's on them to make it right. If I forgive them, even if they never ask, it's on them to deal with the guilt. Apologizing is easy as well for me.  I prefer a clear conscience. It makes it easier on me. Forgiving myself can be difficult at times but I do it. I have so many shortcomings, so it's hard for me to deal with it at times, but I do pretty well.

I get angry and I talk about it. Again, mortality. I want to keep that clear conscience. Holding on to it only hurts me.  Strangely enough, religion has nothing to do with it. It's case of morality for me. A personal belief system.  When I apologize for a wrongdoing, it's sincere. Morality and mortality.  Both are important to me.

Chances. I want to give people a chance to make things right. It's always my hope and desire that they do so. Life is unpredictable and often too short. No matter how long we live, I'm pretty sure that we feel like we have so much more to do or say.

Sometimes I think about the movie "Forrest Gump." On recalling the death of his friend Bubba, he said "If I'd known this would be the last time we'd talk I'd have thought of something better to say." It's funny how we always focus on the last words of the deceased, when the focus should probably be the last thing we tell them. Forrest is right. If I knew someone was dying, what would I say to them? Once a person is dead, you can't ask them to forgive you, can you? Likewise, the dead person can't ask you to forgive them either. 

My poor ex-boyfriend from a year ago (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-aftermath.html) has told others that I am bitter because I don't want to see him or have anything to do with him. He doesn't understand that I forgave him for his actions a long time ago, and that I don't want to see him or deal with him because it would only cause those wounds to reopen. I may be a masochist, but I'm not that type of masochist. No, I prefer to heal completely from emotional wounds.

I know I'm rambling. I needed to clear my head. So just in case this is the last time you read me, or it's the last time I write, please know that you are appreciated by me .

Half Past Midnight

Happy New Year! May 2018 bring you all the Joy you can handle.

Discharge (4-14-17)

I was discharged from PT on March 27th. They told me that they could no longer help me.  Am I 100% "healed?" No, but they felt I was ready to continue on at home. I still need assistance with certain aspects of getting dressed and undressed, and I don't have the "reach" I used to have. I'm not very happy about it either, and I'm debating joining a gym so I can get access to the machines I need so I can get to 100% healed. So, what's holding me back? Transportation, mostly. I'd like to go for about an hour three times a week, and having someone to go with me and/or drive me would make it easier for me to do it.  Shilo's work schedule doesn't allow me to do it without disrupting his sleep.


Doing the math only proved to me that joining a gym would be cheaper as well. Honestly, I'm discouraged about this. I hate being dependent on others, and even though I've come a long way, and I can do most of the things I need to do with minimal assistance, I want to be able to do things like folding sheets on my own and scratching my back without assistance. It would also be nice to not stand on my tiptoes to reach above my head.  It's been 9 months of hell, and I'm  wanting to do things that I haven't been able to do.


I plan on searching for gyms nearby and looking into memberships. Hopefully I'll find something that works for me.

Solution? Opinions? (3-7-2017)

Donna has always been there for me. Yes, she's a bull terrier mix AKA: A pitbull, but she helps with my SAD and PTSD. People are afraid of her, but I feel it's their problem. Then I discovered the following:

What Is An Emotional Support Animal (ESA)?

An emotional support animal (ESA) is a person's pet that has been prescribed by a person's licensed therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist (any licensed mental health professional). The animal is part of the treatment program for this person and is designed to bring comfort and minimize the negative symptoms of the person's emotional/psychological disability.

What Animals Qualify To Be An ESA?

All domesticated animals may qualify as an ESA (cats, dog, mice, rabbits, birds, snakes, hedgehogs, rats, mini pigs, ferrets, etc.) and they can be any age (young puppies and kittens, too!). These animals do not need any specific task-training because their very presence mitigates the symptoms associated with a person's psychological/emotional disability, unlike a working service dog. The only requirement is that the animal is manageable in public and does not create a nuisance in or around the home setting.

How To Qualify

For a person to legally qualify for an emotional support animal(ESA), he/she must be considered emotionally disabled by a licensed mental health professional (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.), as evidenced by a properly formatted prescription letter. Typically, a medical doctor does not qualify because they are not a licensed mental health professional. Some airlines and property managers will accept a verification form completed by a family doctor, however.

The letter should state that:

1. You are currently his/her patient.

2. Are under his/her care for the treatment of mental disability found in the DSM IV or V (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, version 4 or 5).

3. Your disability substantially limits at least one major life activity.

4. He/she prescribes for you an emotional support animal as a necessary treatment for your mental health.

In addition, the letter must be dated, written on his/her letterhead, include his/her license type, number, date of license, and state in which the license was issued.

What Are Your Legal Protections and Rights?

The Air Carrier Access Act 49 U.S.C. 41705, Dept. of Transportation 14 C.F.R. Part 382, Fair Housing Amendments Act of 1988 are the laws that protect an emotionally disabled person and his/her ESA.
The legal protections an Emotional Support Animal (ESA) has are to:

1. Fly with its emotionally or psychologically disabled handler in the cabin of an aircraft without being charged a pet fee.

2. Qualify for no-pet housing (that also includes limited size, breed, or species housing) without being charged a pet fee.

Housing Rights and Your Service or Emotional Support Animal

If a person is physically impaired (disabled) and has individually trained service dog to perform a major life task that the person has trouble performing for him or herself (or an emotional support animal prescribed by a licensed mental health professional), the Fair Housing Amendments Act of 1988 requires the landlord/property manager to make a reasonable accommodation to their policies and allow the tenant to have an emotional support animal. This includes species, breed, and weight policies.
That means if they have a "cats only" policy, they must accept your service dog. If they have a policy that allows dogs weighing no more than 30 lbs. and your emotional support animal (ESA) weighs 75 lbs., they must make a change in the rules to accommodate you. If they accept all dogs, except pit bulls, and you have a pit bull, they must allow your pit bull to reside with you.

Documentation Required For Emotional Support Animals

The one requirement for a person to legally qualify for an emotional support animal (ESA) is that the person has a letter from a licensed mental health professional (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist -NOT the family doctor) on his/her letterhead that states the person is under his/her care, is emotionally or psychiatrically disabled, and prescribes for the person an emotional support animal. Without this letter, if the person presents an animal as an ESA, he/she is in violation of federal law; an offense punishable by fine and imprisonment, if convicted.

Verification May Be Required By Property Managers

These laws allows a property manager to accept a letter from the tenant's licensed mental health professional (LMHP) for an ESA, but they may also require a verification form to be completed by a physician or LMHP, confirming the tenant's physical/emotional/psychiatric disability. Despite how much the property manager/landlord does NOT want your service dog or emotional support animal, federal law requires him/her to make a reasonable accommodation in the rules. If they do not, they are discriminating against a disabled person and are in violation of federal law. Here is a link to a government document (one of many) that addresses this issue. See the 3rd page, second column): http://www.hud.gov/offices/fheo/FINALRULE/Pet_Ownership_Final_Rule.pdf

 

Examples and Specific Rules

So how do Fair Housing laws apply to real life situations? Here are some examples:

John has been diagnosed with severe depression and is disabled as defined by the Fair Housing Act. His doctor prescribes John a dog to help alleviate some of his symptoms. John asks his landlord if he can have a dog as a reasonable accommodation for his disability. His landlord says yes, but tells John he'll need to pay a $250 pet deposit and must provide proof that the animal is trained.

Question: Did John's landlord correctly handle John's request under the Fair Housing Act? What if John wanted a cat or a ferret instead?

Answer: No, John's landlord did not handle his request correctly. The landlord cannot charge John a pet deposit for his animal because it is not a pet, but rather emotional support animal required for his emotional impairment. Further, the landlord cannot ask for proof that the animal is trained. Lastly, emotional support animals do not have to be just dogs; they can also be other animals, such as cats or ferrets (and many other species).

Landlords cannot:

• Ask a tenant to pay a deposit, fee, or surcharge in exchange for having a service or emotional support animal, even if they require such a practice from owners who wish to obtain pets in their dwelling.
• Require that an emotional support animal have any specific training

• Require the emotional support animal to wear or carry any special collar, harness, vest, emblem, or other means of identifying it as such.

• Inquire about the extent of the disability, or ask for detailed medical records for the individual requesting the service or emotional support animal.

• Refuse to accommodate you and your animal because their insurance policy won't allow a species, breed, or weight. They are still subject to the law.

• A person with a disability may, however, be charged for damages caused to the premises by their emotional support or service animal.

• A disabled person who does not properly manage his/her unruly, destructive, aggressive, or disturbance causing animal can be evicted.

 

What To Do When a Property Manager Refuses To Comply

Failure to accommodate a physically or emotionally impaired person is a violation of federal law and can be successfully sued AND the landlord/property manager financially penalized by the U.S. Justice Dept. because it is considered discrimination against a disabled person. Something the government takes seriously.

1. Clients are encouraged to make sure the landlord or property manager are clearly aware of the law and consequences to help them avoid prosecution and punitive damages. Most are in violation simply because they do not know the law. The U.S. Justice Dept. does not consider the property manager's lack of awareness when they prosecute them, however.

2. A client can report the landlord/property manager to the U.S. Justice Dept. and file a complaint for discrimination.

3. A client may sue the landlord/property manager for discrimination.

You'll need to be prepared to reinforce your position and case with supplemental documentation from a physician or mental health professional that verifies your need for the animal.


Done and DONE! Input? Opinions?

Not All Bad

Just in case anyone has misinterpreted my recent writings, things aren't bad. I do have periods of anxiety and occasionally feel removed, but I like to think of it as a coping mechanism that I use to get through the temporary insanity around me.


For the past week, I've been using my left arm to paddle Shilo's ass to a lovely shade of bright pink twice a day with few exceptions. My control of the heavy paddles is getting so good that I'm considering pulling the canes out for action this weekend.


I made an appointment with my piercer to remove most of my jewelry on Saturday evening in preparation for Sunday's MRI. Also, Shilo won't have to miss football on Sunday after all. My boyfriend and his girlfriend generously offered to take me for my exam, so it's one less worry. It's been a LONG time since I saw his girlfriend, so I'm really excited.


It also looks like Stitch found someone to handle the necessary gardening on Saturday afternoon, so one less worry. It's all kind of falling into place. Now I just need to get my sleep schedule back on track. It's nearly 3:30AM PST and I'm still awake!

Uninspired or Unfocused?

We've almost made it through the first month of 2017. I'm sitting here wondering if I'm uninspired by my life as it is, or simply unfocused. Don't get me wrong, plenty of stuff is going on, whether outwardly or behind the scenes, and unless I put it here, it simply goes into my (rapidly fading) memories. I'm not feeling a sense of urgency to talk or even write about stuff that mostly makes sense if you are present in the moment. I could twist it into funny anecdotes, even kinky anecdotes, but why bother? Apathetic is a good word for this. I've reached homeostasis in my life. Every system is predictable. Just where it should be. My "road" isn't "bumpy", it's paved and straight as far as the eye can see. There are a few places coming up where I might turn, like an interesting looking diner or two with an unknown menu, but even though they are getting closer, I'm not feeling the urgency that I normally would. Don't let the calm demeanor fool you. I'm totally out of control. It's a self driving car, and I'm snugly buckled up in the passenger seat. I can yell STOP!!! all I want to, but it's not like it's going to stop just because I want it to.


Since I can't quite tell you where I'm going, I'll share where I've been. January 16th, I saw my Ortho doctor using my new insurance plan. He ordered New PT because my new coverage didn't cover my old PT. He also ordered an MRI. Neither of them are things I'm looking forward to. I got a call Friday to (finally!) set up those appointments. Because I'm physically unable to drive (trust me, I tried and I frightened myself!) I have to depend on Shilo, and his schedule (graves) affects when I can go anywhere, and if you keep in mind that I have his time limits, plus the ones imposed by the places I need to be seen, it's a scheduling nightmare. My MRI is on Sunday the 5th. I use google calendar, so I put it in and sent Shilo (who was dead asleep) an email. He neglected to write Superbowl on that day, so I forgot. 6 hours later, he asked me why I would plan something on Superbowl Sunday. Maybe because it wasn't on the calendar? I'm not a mind reader, and every day melts into every other day unless I schedule something. I only know it's Saturday or Sunday because Stitch is here, and there's the Wednesday alarm to move the car for street cleaning, and Thursday to unlock the gate so the pool can get cleaned. A few weeks ago, when Shilo had the plague, I moved the car. That convinced me once and for all that I cannot drive the car. The Super Bowl can get recorded on the DVR. Problem solved! The next day, I get my new PT assessment. A week later (2-13) I see the Ortho doctor again to discuss my options in detail. Am I the only one who is disturbed that it will have been 4 weeks since he ordered everything until I see him again? Or, rather, that I had to wait 3 weeks for everything to be taken care of? Then I remind myself that my copay is only $10, so maybe I have no right to complain. Driverless car, here I go!


I also saw my GP last week on Monday (1-23) for a routine appointment to check my labs (blood sugar and A1c) and as I've said before, I dropped about 40 pounds since my accident, so he couldn't say I've been misbehaving, but I also know that I'm not taking my metformin the way I'm supposed to (once a day instead of twice) so I told him that before he could even discuss the numbers with me, my numbers, in case you're wondering, were good. Right where he wants them, and my blood pressure is good as well. I was almost breathing that sigh of relief when he asked about my frozen shoulder and how that was progressing (going nowhere fast crossed my mind) and I told him I was off the opiates and NSAID's for pain. I was going to leave it at that, but Shilo asked me if I was going to "come clean". I smiled tersely at Shilo, and told my doctor about using edibles, which turned into a discussion about CBD's, THC and smoking. He asked me if I get high, and I told him that I have no pain, but never feel high. Thankfully, Shilo said nothing about that one episode. I'd rather forget it if I could. Live and learn. It turns out that my doctor is very open-minded about the benefits of medical marijuana, and he said it was better than me taking pain medications every 4 hours around the clock.


I haven't had that discussion with my Ortho doctor, and I'm avoiding it if possible. He seems rather old-fashioned, and having that discussion might prevent me from having the treatments I need. We'll see what happens in February.


The House I live in has been sold. The company that purchased it is working with us to assist us in relocating. Shilo has been handling business, so I'm only told what I need to know. I've been really calm about this since I found out a few weeks ago, It's easy to be calm when you realize everything going on around you is completely out of your control. I'm still the Dominant, Mistress, and Head of Household, but my job is to heal and make decisions if necessary, and the decisions are being made for us. I'm strangely removed from all this. Saying "Okay" has become second nature. I'm being taken care of. No panic, just waiting for it to come.


Speaking of being removed, there was an upheaval where I receive my mental health care. In the past year, I've had 3 changes in therapists/psychiatrists. Normally, changes would put me in a tailspin, but with the way 2016 was, it barely registered with me. Other than my long-term doctor retiring in January last year, I never really formed an attachment with any of the people. I mean, how could I even begin to trust someone who might not be around the next time I had an appointment? In December, I was given what will hopefully be a permanent doctor. I saw him yesterday for the second time, and while he's not unpleasant, all he wants to know is if I need refills on my antidepressant. I spent less than 10 minutes in his office which was long enough for me to tell him I was fine on the antidepressants, the house was sold, and I felt oddly removed from it all, but I wasn't depressed. He seemed satisfied and reminded me to make an appointment on my way out. He seems even more removed than I feel. It would be a lie for me to say I don't care, because I do, but not enough for me to make a scene in a mostly unoccupied Mental Health Clinic. I did think to tell him that I've been on the same medication since 1997, and that it works, and that if I ever have a problem, I'll call him, so please if I call for him to realize it's serious. He barely glanced at me, but at least he pronounces my unusual name correctly, so I can't complain. ::YAWN::

OTHER STUFF

I really am mostly pain free with the edibles, although because I have a really sharp sense of smell, I'll tell you that I reek of pot, but I'm the only one who can smell it. My right arm movement is limited, but I've mastered the use of using paddles with my left arm, and Shilo is back to receiving funishment spankings. We even filmed over the weekend. A friend cut my hair last week, so now I can do almost all my hair care with minimal assistance. When I showered Monday morning, other than the shampooing, I stood up and did it without asking for help to get scrubbed. The chair is in there if I need it, but I'm trying to be as independent as possible. I also attended the munch in Lake Forest this past Friday night. My kink activities will be limited to weekends until I'm able to drive again, or deemed "recovered" whichever comes first, but I'm not holding my breath.


I also spent Saturday going through all the things I inherited from Daddy W. His ex-wife brought it to me a week after he died, but I was in so much pain then that I barely remember what I had been given. I guess she kept his knife collection, but I have his paddles, favorite floggers, a neon wand, and other goodies.


I guess I'm inspired and focused after all. It's just that I am in a position where I'm not in the driver's seat, and there's someone driving for me, but the driver changes frequently. Insurance company, Ortho doctor, GP, Shilo, the real estate people. Yadda yadda, yadda...


Also, because I know they will see this, I miss my boyfriend and his girlfriend. Hugs and kisses to them!

One Week Ago

Let me start by saying that this wasn't a horrible week at all; however, the rain and cold has made me stiff and uncomfortable. I committed myself to only use/take edibles between the hours of 8AM to 5PM so I could avoid adverse interactions between it and my current medications. I also avoid edibles when I see my Ortho doctor, so he can see where my pain level is and my abilities without the benefit of pain relievers. Enough background.


I saw my Ortho doctor a week ago (Monday morning) and presented him with the report from my Physical Therapist. Because of my new coverage, seeing him was only $10 vs. $60, so that was a plus. The x-rays he took showed just a faint line where the break on the ball area of my humerus was, and a slightly bumpy area where the break between my elbow and shoulder was. The bone healed nicely in spite of the severity of it. I consider that a plus. Unfortunately, my inability to use my right arm properly due to the frozen shoulder and possible nerve damage still means I have a long recovery ahead. Options were discussed.


Did I mention that I have come to hate the term/word "Options?" Options used to be a nice word. Coffee or tea? Cake or pie? Cook dinner or go out? Walk or drive? Nowadays, Options consist of choosing the least disagreeable choice of two unpleasant choices. Do we stick in a long needle and give me a cortisone injection, or do we go in and do arthroscopic surgery and break up the scar tissue? Honestly, neither one sounds fun, but the chicken in me likes the idea of getting the surgery done. I'm already in pain, so the idea of being "out" while it gets fixed once and for all just seems more pleasant. I've been told that cortisone injections are the preferred method, but I'm more scared of the needle than being cut open. The first few days and weeks after the accident I was in so much pain that I was screaming in pain and crying constantly. I don't go into hysterics, the tears just keep rolling down. I'm a silent crier. It's a way of self-preservation for me. If I'm not heard, I can't be found (Don't ask) Sunshine will sob loudly, but not me. Yeah, so those are the ugly options.


Not so fast! Before either of the options can be done, I will need an MRI and more PT. Because of the new coverage, I don't know how long it will be until the MRI or PT will be scheduled, but I'm not holding my breath. It seems it all has been a case of hurry up and wait. In the meantime, I see my GP for a routine visit this afternoon. It should be fun. I'll try to be better about my updates.

Progress Report and Insurance Woes

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Let's start with the Insurance. Calling it "Insurance woes" isn't exactly right, but it's easier to write than Insurance confusion. Go far enough back in my writing, and you'll discover nearly everything about my annoying preexisting medical conditions (diabetes, sleep apnea and others) You'll also find out about my accident in late July, and all the resulting problems and complications. 2016 wasn't kind, and I'm truly hoping for a better 2017 in spite of how much of the problems from 2016 have followed me into 2017.


Let's go back to that pesky medical insurance. My PT was ordered by the Orthopedic Specialist in hopes that my frozen shoulder (a result of my right humerus being broken in TWO places and a complication related to my diabetes) would improve. Every visit to the Orthopedic Specialist or PT cost us (the Household) $60. I was supposed to go to PT three times a week, and I saw the Orthopedic Specialist around five times last year. You can do the math. Well, when I went to my first PT appointment, my Physical Therapist looked at my copay, and reduced my appointments to once a week. Still, this meant that Shilo had to take on extra shifts at work to fund this. He didn't mind, because my health was always a priority for him, and he walked into our relationship knowing full well about my health at that time. I was actually going into liver failure at the time due to NAFLD. (http://www.liverfoundation.org/abouttheliver/info/nafld/) I hadn't been diagnosed with diabetes yet, that came as a surprise later. Let's just say he knew everything, and he accepted me and all my baggage, including my 5 adult children and Stitch. Anyway, you get the picture. The cost of my 4 prescriptions a month ($180) and CPAP supplies ($600 a year) and that's just me. I went from being self-sufficient to a burden overnight due to my accident. Visits to my GP were another $40, and I went about 4 times last year. Then there were the ambulance and ER charges etc. from the accident (too much to quote here) Fortunately those last charges were billed, so it wasn't straight out of pocket at the moment. We'll be paying that off for years to come.


We've established that even with medical insurance, I'm expensive. I had also become a burden, because I lost my independence. I needed help using the bathroom, eating, dressing, bathing, hair care, Everything. Neither Stitch or Shilo complained, even when things got ugly. They preserved my dignity as much as possible, cleaning me as often as I needed, dressing me up, and Shilo drove me wherever I needed to go. All with minimal complaint. Fortunately, due to the PT, I can now take care of nearly everything independently, except I still need my hair washed, and the occasional help getting dressed and putting on shoes and socks. I can't scrub my back using the brush without help and I have a long way to go. More on that later...


So, in November, in the midst of all this confusion, Stitch was given the opportunity to add me to his new Medical Insurance with no extra cost to him. The best news was that ALL doctor/medical visits would only cost $10 effective January 2017. Even the cost of my medication would go down to just over $20 month for all of them! At one point, my medication was costing us $180 a month. This was a reason to celebrate!


So, Monday morning was my final PT appointment before I see my Orthopedic Specialist on Monday morning next week. I was so excited about having to only pay $10 instead of the usual $60. Well... until I was told my new insurance didn't cover the PT provider because it was out of network. Fortunately, I still have the other coverage for another month, so I was able to pay $60 and get my final appointment and assessment. I need the surgery (DUH!!!) because my Range of Motion is still lacking in many areas. I could originally lift my arm straight up to 90 degrees, and now it's up to 115 degrees, so that's a huge improvement for me, but it means I can't reach above my head with my right arm, and I'm too young to be this limited. Also, my right elbow can't flex outwards at all, and trying makes me cry. Nevermind that any BDSM play is next to impossible if I use my right arm.


Well, after the news about my PT provider being out of network, I realized that there might be further problems, because my Orthopedic Specialist might not be in my network either. I tried the website, but it was increasingly frustrating for me, so I gave in and called and spoke to Customer Service. The first option was to see if I could get Continuity of care. NOPE! Next step was to see if the new insurance had my soon to be ending HMO available. Another NOPE! The final option was to see if they had any HMO available with my PCP and Orthopedic Specialist in the same network. YES!!! All this confusion took only 20 minutes to solve, but I felt like it had taken much longer. I called there on the verge of tears, but the Representative was so polite and patient with me that I soon relaxed, because for the first time in quite a while, I felt like this woman cared about my medical concerns. I was the priority, not the Insurance Provider.


My next step was to call my PCP and tell them about my new Insurance coverage and request an expedited referral to my current Orthopedic Specialist because of my new Insurance. It had to be expedited due to my appointment being in a week. My next step was to call my CPAP company and change to my new Insurance info, and order supplies. I'm not sure how much my coverage is, but my previous insurance didn't cover my supplies. I'll find out how much the coverage is when my supplies arrive.


I know that this isn't kinky in any way, but once I'm all better and healed, I'll be able to do all sorts of kinky things, and there's nothing kinkier than a woman who can do everything for herself.


Things are looking better and even though surgery will be necessary, and many more months of PT, I won't be such a financial burden on my Household, and that's the best I can ask for right now.