On Being Part of a Harem

In this entry, I use the word Harem as a group of women who engage in sex with one man.Yes, I'm polyamorous, and I do have 3 men that I'm in a sexual relationship with. There's Stitch, my Partner of nearly 13 years, Shilo, My slave/husband of 4 years, and then there's my boyfriend that I've been with for 3 years. In this case, because Stitch and Shilo are monogamous by choice, and my boyfriend is polyamorous, I'm part of his harem. 

Up until very recently, I was happy with my place. I had 'seniority' because I've been around the longest. He has several FWB's that I knew of, but I outranked them, and I'm also younger than them, and then he had his girlfriend who was younger than me. In my heart, she outranked me, but she happily treated me as an equal, or even like I outranked her because of my position as a Dominant,and because I've been around longer. Unlike his other relationships, ours can best be described as egalitarian. We're equals. It works for us.

Several weeks ago, he and the girlfriend broke up. Nobody bothered to tell me. I found out along with everyone else. I was hurt because I wasn't treated like I had any place in their lives. To me, it was common sense that I should be informed before the general public.  I brought it up with my boyfriend, because my relationship is with him, not her. 

Then, this past weekend, my boyfriend took me to stay overnight and spend the day with him. Even though I made it perfectly clear before, he started to talk to me about his FWB's.  Those women do not affect our relationship, and I honestly don't want to know details about them. He's been told that before. Several other things happened  that only made the situation even more uncomfortable for me, and because I wanted to avoid an argument, I waited until I got home, and sent him a note. (Paraphrased below)

Thank you for having me over. I was really looking forward to it, and I really enjoyed my "full immersion" vegan experience. I'm looking forward to more experiences like that with you.

There were a few things I really wanted to say, but didn't because I was afraid I'd say it wrong or it would be misunderstood, or, even worse, I would lose your admiration.

Here goes:

I'm not stupid enough to think that it's been just your girlfriend and myself in your life. I know you have FWB's etc; but I really (and I mean REALLY) don't want to know any details. The only time I would want to know is if you happen to impregnate one of them, which I realize is next to improbable/impossible. I really feel that unless it's a serious relationship, I don't need to know about it. I hope you understand I'm not upset or angry, it's just that I would prefer that some things were kept private.

The other thing I wanted to do is ask you an uncomfortable (for me) question. Did I say or do something offensive, or was something about me bothering you? I promise I won't be upset if you tell me. You seemed a bit distant and less affectionate than last time. You seemed to have no interest in giving me oral sex, and I wasn't about to demand it, but I felt that maybe there was something wrong with me, and you didn't want to be near me, or tell me what was on your mind. I just need you to be honest with me about it.

Love,
Me

P.S. I really did have a wonderful time with you.

His reply was:

 You are welcome.

I will keep details of my less serious relationships to myself. I told you about them in order to be completely open with you, but I can respect your wishes about that.

But no, you did not offend me, or anything like that. I think I was probably missing her so much that I could not concentrate on you as much as I should, and I apologize for that. I thought I was up to seeing you or others, but I guess not, as nothing really went the way I expected with anyone this weekend.

 After that, I figured he understood me, so imagine my surprise and shock when I found out he had a relationship status change with a new woman. Again, I was left in the dark! Didn't I mention that I wanted to know about important things? Was this not important? I sent a series of notes to him (again paraphrased)

That was fast! Remember our conversation about telling me things? This is something I'd like to know about in advance. 

I'm hurt and angry that you didn't even mention that you had someone on your radar. Surely she must have been on your radar before today.

(he apologized)

And now you know what I mean about important vs. unimportant.

I think I managed to get the point across though, because I got the following message this afternoon.

Just a heads up, (new girl) and I are going to update our profiles to show we are dating.

I thanked him for letting me know in advance. It was all I really wanted in the first place. Acknowledgement that I matter. I also realized that I had acted coldly towards this new girl, and it was unbecoming. I also owed my boyfriend an apology and explanation, so I sent this note:

I was having a less-than-stellar day yesterday, and it bled into everything else. I'd like to apologize if you felt I was abrupt, demanding, and/or pouty. I know you know I'm not normally that way, and I feel rotten about overreacting.

However, after talking it over with Shilo this morning, I realized that you're really the only secondary (because we don't live together) relationship I have. The others, while not casual, are much further removed. Also, because of how we started, we never really had any type of agreement, and looking back, if we did have one, much of the confusion and hurt feelings that's happened in the past week might have been prevented.

Would you be willing to meet with me for an hour or so next week so we can come up with something? I feel it would benefit the both of us as we go through this period of change. 

He acknowledged it would be a good idea, and we will hopefully meet next week and go over the agreement I have with Stitch and Shilo, and what I would ideally want from him, and what parts of my agreement with the two of them that he wants carried over into our relationship agreement. Even though it is by no means legally binding, at least it will prevent future problems, and having a written guideline will allow us to reference it if/when problems arise.