"As Seen On Quora"

Yeah, I "stalk" Shilo.

Not in the creepy sneaky way some people do. More in that I know where he goes, and I will sometimes go to the same place and look around to see what he’s said or done. We don’t hide things from each other, and it’s not a big deal anyway. We share our passwords and other things.

Anyway, I rarely go to Quora, but he’s often on it, especially lately, and I had some “free time” today to look, so I checked out his responses. So, what have I discovered? A few things, mostly true, but with a lack of proper context, so it looks weird to me. Also that Shilo doesn’t always understand WHY I do certain things. I’ve made a chart:

 

WHAT HE SAYS ABOUT ME	MY EXPLANATION
She really Loves me	I sure do!
She’s been very patient with my shortcomings	Well, you’ve been pretty good with mine too. Besides, isn’t that what marriage is about?
She has spanked me many times in the past	Yes, and you’ve enjoyed most of it.
She loves to cook, and she’s a great cook, but hates cleaning	That’s true. I told you that from the beginning
She’s a slob. Just leaves stuff wherever. I had NO idea!	I thought I told you that unless it’s moved, I can tell you exactly where I put something, slobby or not. WHY did you hide my soy sauce?
I was drunk on our wedding night	You sure were. And you were “punished”
She’s had more hundreds of times more experience than me	Yeah. I never hid that from you, but I never expected to see it in print. Not angry, mostly amused
She washes new sheets and clothes because she’s a germophobe	Yes, I’m a bit germophobic but I wash new sheets and clothes due to my sensitive skin
She snores	True!
She detests smoking and smokers	Yes. And Detest is exactly the word I use.
She doesn't put clothes away, out of the dryer	TRUE
I can't hear her through the wall that separates our kitchen and living room but she talks anyway	I keep forgetting. I’m sorry.
She was raped	True.
When we got engaged, I didn't have an engagement ring. But I WAS wearing a silver birthstone ring, and I gave it to her. She still wears it, next to her wedding band.	That’s because it means so much more to me than an overpriced diamond ring.
I like it when she TELLS me I’m getting a spanking, and I hate it when she asks	I need to remember that

 

Well, while I was writing this, he asked me a question, and my answer made him feel put off, so it looks like he might not be talking to me for a few hours. 

Still, like he says on Quora, “my wife doesn’t hold grudges and rarely stays angry;” and you can take that fact exactly as written. 

 

MY FINAL COMMENT:

I Love Shilo in so many ways that’s it’s hard to explain, and it can be difficult for others to fathom. He’s MINE, I’m HIS, and I’m so grateful to have him by my side. 

 

2020 Year In Review: A Personal Outlook

Our Internet, cable, and Wi-Fi went out on New Year’s Day, and was out until the evening of the 4^th so I say better late than never.(Originally posted ELSEWHERE)

2020 will no doubt go into the record books as being a horrible year, but I'm going to inject my reality into it. Bear in mind that this is a NON-POLITICAL PERSONAL journal entry:

My long-term Partner-In-Crime, Stitch, was laid off in early February. Then, later that month my older sister with dementia had lung cancer surgery. It enabled my niece (her only child) and I to get closer after many years of estrangement.

In March, as the COVID-19 pandemic started affecting California, and quarantine/lockdowns became a reality, I took over grocery shopping for my older sister due to her health status. Waiting in line to get into a grocery store for 45 minutes to an hour was a reality, and her favorite store was frequently out of her favorite foods, so I had to get creative to find what she needed and wanted. It turns out that the grocery store I use most had nearly everything she needed and at lower prices!

In late April/early May, I had an accident that totaled my car that I inherited when my Mother died 7 years before. It was a very difficult time for me emotionally, but made easier because my older sister (the one who had the cancer surgery in February) had added my name to her car that she no longer drove back in January, so I was able to take it and get it back in working order. The insurance money I received was more than enough to cover all the work needed, including new tires.

By mid-May, Stitch, got a part-time temporary job working for a large retailer known for low prices. In September he received a card that gave his household an employee discount. With everything going on, that discount is very helpful.

June was quiet, and in the middle of July, I had my quarantine birthday (Happy 59^th!) then, near the end of July, my 8 y/o granddaughter infected her entire household with COVID-19 (Her father [child #5] her mother [my DIL] her uncle [child #4 AKA Babyman, who also happens to be disabled and is high-risk] her little brother, age 3, and her baby sister, age 14 months) It was a worrisome time for me, but they all had mild symptoms and recovered without winding up in the hospital.

In September, they bought and moved into their first house. It's still in the same area, but much closer to me. Also in September, I finally had dental insurance and began treatment that I thought would be finished by the end of October. Guess what? I'm STILL undergoing treatment, and currently have a messed up smile (Thank goodness for masks!) and eating has been an adventure for over 3 months.

In October, my Husband and Chosen One, Shilo, received the news we've been waiting to hear. His numbers are undetectable, meaning that his prostate cancer is under control. Yes, he still has to take his chemotherapy, but it's mostly a precaution because he has/had Advanced Metastatic Prostate Cancer. Two years ago, he was told that if he decided to not undergo treatment (chemo and radiation) he would die within 2 years. I'm so grateful that he did the chemo and radiation. Yes, they left him with some nasty side effects, but it's better than being dead.

In November, we celebrated Shilo’s 64^th Birthday by serenading him. With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, finding a normal-sized turkey (12 lbs) was impossible, so I wound up buying a 22 lbs(!) turkey and freezing the leftovers. Good thing I like turkey! I also decided that this was the year I tried making fruitcake.

December was a month of baking and cooking unlike anything I could have imagined! Total "damage" was 11 fruitcakes, homemade candied orange peel, orange-infused sugar, and orange syrup, homemade candied lime peel, lime-infused sugar, and lime syrup. I even made a lime pie for dessert for Christmas along with brownies, and of course, my Mom's Christmas Pork recipe for Christmas breakfast. I did cancel a dentist appointment on the 21st and rescheduled it for the 30th because I wanted to enjoy eating Christmas dinner. Instead of removing my lower 4 teeth front teeth when I saw the dentist he only removed TWO (2!). Again I say "Thank goodness for masks!"

So here it is, the New Year 7 days old, and I'm back to eating soft food, and my speech is mostly unintelligible, but like I jokingly told the dentist "Out with the old (teeth), and in with the new (in a few weeks)"

Saving the best for last, on New Year’s Eve, I was told that effective January 1, 2021, Stitch was hired as a full-time permanent employee. Also a very special acknowledgment to my FIL and MIL who have been VERY supportive of us this past year, and I/We are extremely grateful for all the help they've provided.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

A (Pre)Christmas Miracle And Intervention

FACTS:

1. Shilo is stubborn, often to his detriment.

2. I am stubborn as well, especially if I am right, or telling the truth.

3. There are times when NO amount of reasoning works with Shilo.

4. On the rare occasion when this happens, I feel I have no choice but to put it in writing.

5. When I put something in writing, the "noise" stops, and he has to focus on the subject without any interruption.

When I wrote "Loathing In The House Of The Laughing Sun" (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2020/12/loathing-in-house-of-laughing-sun.html) it was my way of getting his undivided attention.  Unfortunately, it didn't work, and things became even more unbearable. In what I guess was a last-ditch effort to "rescue" Christmas, Sunshine took over. She adores Shilo, and Shilo has a special Love for Sunshine. This mutuality allows for Sunshine to ask questions that I never would, and express feelings that are muddled and deep within me. She asks the hard questions and shares our (hers and mine) fears in a way where whether or not he agrees, he is in a place of careful listening and consideration.

Unless she (Sunshine) chooses to share what they discuss, I am blissfully ignorant, and Shilo knows he can tell her whatever he wants without fear or concern of my knowledge. Sunshine also tells my "secrets" which means that he will often know things that I don't necessarily want him to know yet. It's a safe place for the both of them. Speaking of "safe places" Sunshine will come out and show up to "protect" me, mostly to prevent my feelings from being hurt, but also to protect me from any number of painful things. So, that was her reasoning for coming out on Sunday night and staying out until early Tuesday morning. 

When I came out I was sad. Sadder than I've been in a long while, and it's lingering. I still have a "crying headache,"  and she posted about "Thinking so hard" that she had a headache on Facebook sometime Monday. Still not sure what It all means. The "good" news is that Sunshine convinced Shilo that I need a Happy Christmas, so Shilo promised her that he would call a truce until after then, and then go day by day  (minute by minute?) after that.

I know that Shilo still probably feels how he did earlier, but I also know that this truce might last long enough that we can get through this and maybe even fix whatever pain we're dealing with. I know there is Love, and that hasn't changed. I know that we walked into our relationship and marriage with both eyes open, and I hope we can get through this rough patch by holding on to one another and trusting that things will get better.

For now, I'm happy that my anger is gone, and I'll be happy to be rid of this headache.

Loathing In The House Of The Laughing Sun

I'm trying, I've tried. As far as I know, I've done my very best. I don't lie to Shilo, and other than the occasional sadness or worries about things, I don't hide things from him. It's perfect. Well, except for now.

There is insanity creeping in. I don't know if it's because of us being stuck at home due to the continuing COVID-19 stay at home orders, or something else. All I do know is that there's no reasoning with crazy, and that crazy eventually rubs off onto everything and everyone else. People who know me best know that while I can be social when necessary, I much prefer being quiet at home. Oh! and hugs! I am a hugger. I enjoy physical contact, but on my conditions. Obviously, I'm not getting nearly enough hugs. This adds to my depression and anxiety. Again, due to the COVID-19 restrictions, I don't see people who I used to see ALL the time. This includes "Master B." Sure, we've seen each other a few times, but due to the potential health risks, we have made a conscious decision to not see each other. It suits us well. Over the time we've been in a relationship, we have gone through long periods of time (3+ months) where we didn't see each other. We're also guilty of having a lack of communication, in that we will go for weeks without talking to each other on the phone or even emailing each other or texting. It's just how we are in our relationship. Again, this is NOT a big deal. Not for us, anyway. We’re both confident and comfortable with it.

Do I miss "Master B?" Sure I miss him, but not in the same longing for him way that I have missed Shilo when we’ve been apart. Like it or not, I’m very attached to Shilo. Unfortunately, Shilo has been extremely difficult lately. Aggressive, disagreeable, argumentative, and he’s been making my life a living hell. I know he’s going to see this, but I’m not concerned about that. What I am concerned about is his reason. Why is he acting like this? What (real or imagined) thing has happened to cause this? I asked him last night. I’m past frustration, and I’ve gotten to the point of exasperation with his behavior, and his answer didn’t make things any better. What is Shilo’s reason for mistreating me, you ask? Brace yourselves, people. This is good. In his (Shilo’s) words taken from his blog (https://merryslavesdiary.blogspot.com/2020/12/15-december-tuesday-diary-hfc-70.html)

“A feeling of ..anger..and resentment... building up within me, based on my belief that she would rather be with B than with me.”

That’s it! That’s what he thinks, and NONE OF IT is based on reality. It’s all his thinking and imagination, and I’m being punished for it. And, yes, this is punishing for me. The anger and resentment being displayed hurts me to the core, and he knows it, and he doesn’t care, because in his mind, I deserve it. I’d laugh if I didn’t feel like crying.

I’ve reassured him to the best of my ability, told him he can look through all my accounts to see what I’ve written and sent to “Master B.” I have nothing to hide. But Shilo thinks I have some “hidden agenda.” I don’t. I’m battling an overwhelming feeling of sadness and depression and doing my best to muddle through. Blame the time of year. Tomorrow will be 8 years since my Mom’s sudden and unexpected death. It comes down to would I like to see “Master B?” Yes, but not with all the COVID-19 restrictions. Do I miss him? Yes, but I miss LOTS of people, some more than others. Would I rather be with him than Shilo? That’s a trick question, because right now Shilo is currently doing everything in his power to make me miserable, and I don’t like feeling miserable. But in general, no, I’d rather be right here where I am, with my Chosen One and Husband, Shilo. He (Shilo) is my home, “Master B” is my Disneyland. Fun to visit under normal circumstances, but I most certainly wouldn’t want to live there, and after a day or two, I’m more than ready to go home, and right now, home is where I want to be. I just wish Shilo understood that.

 

EDITED TO ADD:

It's a good thing that Shilo has been avoiding the six o'clock alarm, because his anger has rubbed off on me.  I couldn't spank him anyway.

 

It's Six O'Clock Somewhere...

Hello my people! Whether you are a first-time reader, an occasional reader, or someone who reads everything I write, you are "My" people. You share an interest in whatever I write about, or maybe you show up for the occasional (okay, rare) nudes of myself, Shilo, or one of my other "victims." Either way, happy to have you here!

I've had many changes over the years, including a complete stop of BDSM and Domestic Discipline of my Husband/Chosen One/slave Shilo due to his ongoing problems related to his health. Currently, his Advanced metastatic prostate cancer is under control thanks to his Chemotherapy (an injection every 3 months) and last year's Radiation, although they have some unpleasant side effects. Still better than being dead, and 2 years ago, he only had maybe 2 years to live without treatment, so I'm happy.

Related to all that, Shilo recently decided to talk to his doctor about his desire to engage in sexual activity, and related to that, although not mentioned to the doctor, is his interest in spanking and other related activity has returned. I NEVER, not once, complained about his lack of interest since his diagnosis, because it's not like he has had any control in the matter. This was his decision to do something about it, and I'm glad it was Shilo's decision, because it means a lot to me.

Last week, Shilo sent me an email titled "The Six O'Clock Alarm" and because it is personal, yet relevant, especially to couples who may have reached a point of disinterest, or maybe a dry spell, I wanted to share the email with you.  In the interest of presenting it in my blog, I've changed some You's to me, etc. Please enjoy!

The Six O'Clock Alarm

His phone alarm goes off at 6PM, every day.

Am I in the kitchen, at the computer, in bed, next to him, not home? If I am easy to find, he may ask me something like "You in?" or "You game?"

He will not wake me for this – appointment. If I am asleep, It's canceled. 

IF I am not home, it's canceled. IF I say 'No', with or without a reason, doesn't matter, it's canceled. He can cancel, too, for health issues.

IF we're both in and willing:

He will enter Stitch’s bedroom (on the rare occasion that Stitch might be occupying his bedroom at this particular time, we'll adjust this to our room). Shilo will prepare himself, in terms of state of undress suitable for the temperature, and position himself for a spanking.

Before I enter the bedroom, I will go into the Dining Room to use the dice. There is paper, and a pen nearby. I will roll ONE die, to indicate the number of spanking implements I get to pick. Then I will roll BOTH dice, to indicate how many swats of the each implement.... and write the numbers down. I will continue rolling, one roll for each implement, until my list is complete. (EXAMPLE: I roll a 4, so four implements, and then I roll 10, so ten swats with the first implement, then I roll 3, so three swats with the second, and so on...)

This MAY result in one implement, two swats. This MAY result in six implements, twelve swats each. That's just... the way the dice roll.

I will go into the bedroom, select my implement(s), and (this would be a great time for me to say anything that comes to mind, along the lines of “I'm glad I'm about to spank you, because you did this, or I'm upset about that”), and deliver the indicated number of swats to his anxiously-waiting bare bottom.

I will put down the implement, select my next, employ it, and so on until I have finished with the number of implements indicated, and then I will announce by saying, "Done!" so he knows I’m finished. If I’m feeling nice, I will ask him to pose for pictures for his diary. I might then say, cheerily, "All done!" or perhaps, grumpily, any other words that lets him know he can get up, get dressed, put away implements, etc. He might even offer a 'thank you' of an intimate nature, right after. I may accept or refuse, my choice.

Back to the cancellations mentioned above: If there are three cancellations in any one week period (Sunday to Saturday) we will have a conference to assess the reasons, and decide if the plan is working for us.

Positive to this plan: no guesswork as to the other's mood, no hemming and hawing. No asking or demanding. This is not punishment or discipline, which Shilo resents. For me, this could be therapeutic, I can think about the number of times I wanted to spank him, and he wouldn't cooperate.

Negative to this plan is no spontaneity. Spontaneity has not worked great for us, anyway. No adjustment to the number of swats decided by the dice. If I don't think the number is big enough, I can wait another day. Or lie. He has no way of verifying the numbers that came up on the dice. I might be pissed off by something he did and decide, without rolling any dice, that the numbers are 6x12.

So, my people, what do YOU think? Do you have any thoughts or input?

I will share that I had my doubts, but since that email, we have done this three separate times, and it has worked out well for us.

Recipe For A Happier Day

And Maybe Even Life…

Okay, we all know that yesterday was a burst bubble for me. (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2019/07/can-you-hear-me.html)  I have a whole list of words, but not important. The truth is that all those bad feelings put me off my game, and I neglected doing the one thing that all the positive changes were about.


Now, even though I went off on the one important activity, I stayed on track with everything else. Plus I did go to my Insurance Provider's (Blue Shield) website, and looked up doctors in my area. I picked 9, then went to websites to check reviews on the 9 (doctor.webmd.com, health.usnews.com, vitals.com, healthgrades.com, md.com, sharecare.com plus a few others) and quickly (if you call 2 hours of research quick) found The One.


Today wasn't much better, at least, not at first, and we had errands to run. I'm really grateful for Shilo's willingness to go on these tedious drives with me, because he makes it tolerable, and he is the first ingredient in my recipe. After completing the tasks, my mood was a little worse until we both realized that Krispy Kreme was just a mile up the road, so we stopped and bought a dozen plus some holes. That's the second ingredient. (going there) Then, when we were nearly home, I realized that it had been over a month since I had my guilty pleasure (Taco Bell's plain Double Decker taco with no lettuce and a Mountain Dew) and yes, ladies and gentlemen, going to Taco Bell is the third ingredient! Now comes the hard part. Drive home, get upstairs and settled. Start by eating the Double Decker taco, drink the Mountain Dew, and follow it with 2 Krispy Kreme holes. I relaxed a little, and then follow up with calling the Insurance Provider. By this time, my mood had lifted, and I was downright pleasant.

The customer service representative was more than helpful, and even made the new doctor effective today for both Stitch and myself. Shilo is on a different plan, and he has wonderful doctors taking care of him.

I'm very happy, and I have a full belly, and I kept my treats within my dietary requirements, so no cheating, and no bad temptations.

HAPPY AUGUST!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACPRnPgZMtA

No Nice Way To Say It

I know my last post (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2019/01/something-on-my-mind.html) came across as ominous and a bit cryptic. I want to apologize if I unnerved anyone. it's been a difficult past few months full of "Hurry up and wait" combined with even more hurry up and wait, and it's not getting better anytime soon.

Long story short, my husband, Shilo, has aggressive prostate cancer. The diagnosis received this past Friday (1-25) was not a shock. Some of the other things we were told were.

Because this is supposed to be a kink blog, and because I wanted to keep things separate, please feel free to visit my other blog at:
https://alostwifesjourney.blogspot.com/

I will write updates as I get them, and try to maintain it as best as possible.  Of course, I'll be here as well when I can, but we all know that I write irregularly at best (some things never change)

I will do my best to answer any questions there, but please be aware that there is a whole lot of things we don't know until we are told.

Thank you!
Merry

My Anger? (1-21-18)

Really???!!! What is this anger you speak of, and why do you think that my anger, if any, is focused on anyone other than myself? I’m a grown-up and I make my own decisions. Sure, I might consult with Shilo or Stitch, and my Mentor when he was alive, but the end decision to do something is my own. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of poor decisions in the past. I’ll even admit that I’m guilty of poor decisions in the recent past. Sometimes, I’ll even allow my emotions to guide my decisions, and love is a pretty powerful emotion.

No, I don’t feel anger. I do feel pain and disappointment, with both myself and others. How could I have trusted someone with my heart? Why do I love and trust others at all? Even though I could easily say there was deceit, the deceit isn’t solely on the other person, because I deceived myself as well. Probably more than they did. I wanted to believe that the love was reciprocal. Maybe it was. Unfortunately, sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

Polyamory, for me, at least, is less about sex and sexual activity than love. Love is the common denominator. Love is always there. I’m all for others having as much sex as they want (preferably safely) but love comes first for me. If I don’t love you, I won’t engage in sexual intercourse with you. I tell others, and they just don’t get it. They believe it’s about sex for everyone. That’s fine, it’s just not for me.

Those of you reading this might be surprised by what I’m about to write, mostly because I have remained silent, and I didn’t want to cause trouble or further heartache for someone, but in the past week, I have been accused of (in no particular order) overreacting, being irrational, unreasonable, intentionally causing problems, backstabbing, telling lies about someone, being mean, being malicious, not being sex-positive, and dragging someone through the mud, when the truth was (and has always been) that I have always spoken about this person in complimentary ways. Telling others how wonderful, caring, and considerate this person was, and when I was asked about what happened between us, I’ve only said that it was a miscommunication, and that we were unable to reach an agreement.

I understand now that by using those words against me, it was a pathetic attempt to cause me to feel guilt. To that, I say “too late!” I already felt guilty when I realized what a poor decision I made. Maybe if I had received kindness instead, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

Regrets? Here is my answer to that:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwk0Sh3id4w

Can't Do It

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and normally, I get through it with lots of fluids, plenty of rest, and what my former Therapist (Peter Pan)  called my "secret weapon." A really great antidepressant that has minimal side effects.  Unfortunately, it's not working as well as I hoped this month, and I'm not feeling anywhere close to my best. Add that Shilo is fighting his own demons, and it multiplies.

It's making for a less-than-happy December, and if you add that December 21 will make 5 years since my Mother died unexpectedly, I'm beginning to wonder if I will get through this month without becoming a sobbing incoherent mess that hides in bed all day and night.

I'm not incapable of happy moments, and I never completely give up. After all, as the saying goes: "The Show Must Go On," and I will do my very best to do so. It's just that it's becoming a bigger and bigger struggle to do it, and I sometimes worry that it will overtake me.  The good news is that as long as I struggle and worry about it, my mental health is okay. It's when I completely give up and give in that things become dangerous. I have never given up. I just have to muddle through this the best I know how.

I am very fortunate and thankful to have Shilo and Stitch by my side, and Donna as my support animal. She really does help, even though sometimes I wish she would give me more space.
  (Donna in space)

Maybe I need a pleasant distraction. Maybe I have too much time on my hands, and finding something to do for someone else will help. Anyway, I'm up for suggestions.

Thank you for reading this.

Merry

One Year Ago Today (7-25) Just Before Midnight... And other things...

I had my accident, and broke my right humerus in two places.The following afternoon, my Mentor lost his life after suffering a series of major strokes. He was 64.

Today I'm mostly healed, although I sometimes have residual pain. There are still some things I'm unable to do in spite of the many hours of PT that I endured. Still, I'm grateful for the movement I have, and I know what a long way I've come since then.

On July 13th, I turned 56. A few nights later, Shilo and Stitch took me out to dinner.  It was a fun night, and I'm glad we went out.

On July 21st, I woke up to this email:

There were 2 other emails in addition to this one. A total of $3,666 and some change was taken from my accounts. Note that the one above is marked "HOUSEHOLD."  Keep in mind that while these accounts all have my name on it. not a single penny is mine. The money belonged to Stitch and Shilo. It was the money we use for rent, utilities, car insurance and gasoline so Shilo can get to and from work every day (75 miles roundtrip!)

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???!!!

is a question we've been asked by others. It's simple, and yet not so simple. Our theory is that sometime in March wile we were moving a Summons was handed to someone (my guess is my oldest son age 33) and it wasn't given to me. The court date came, and a default judgement was made, so my funds were seized.

Shilo drove me to the Van Nuys Courthouse and we were told to call the Attorney for the other side. They didn't care that the money wasn't "mine" all they cared about was that they got "their" money.

Over the weekend both Shilo and Stitch (together and separately) applied for loans from at least 20 different companies with each one getting rejected. As a last-ditch effort, I opened a Go Fund Me page. This isn't my proudest moment. I don't like showing my vulnerabilities, and I DETEST asking for help, but like my Mom always told me "You don't get if you don't ask;" and this is truly an emergency.  If you are willing or able to help, the link is below. Also, if you want to share, it would be appreciated.


(GoFundMe link redacted)


Thank You!

♥

Merry

A Pain Management Update

With everything going on I never mentioned this fun fact:


It's been about two weeks, maybe more since I stopped using edibles on a daily basis.


On Friday, February 17th I had my very first cortisone shot ever. I hope to never have a repeat. Remember that it was a desperate move to gain more range of motion (ROM). Shilo held me down as I was being injected and tears were just flowing. I rarely cry out loud. Sunshine will, but only for emotional reasons. It was not pretty. I never looked at the needle or syringe, but I've seen it done before when I was a medic in the USAF and I know the syringe is HUGE. Shilo later told me how surprised/appalled he was when he saw it. I believe he said he'd cry too.


Anyway, it worked!!! My ROM has improved significantly, and a few days after my Monday morning PT, (2-20) I decided to not use any edibles unless I really needed it, or on PT days before the PT, and other than that, only if my pain was at a 3+ (You can refer to my pain chart at: https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2016/12/field-trip-report-and-diary-12-25_25.html ) I have edibles for when I need them, and I'm happy to say that I'm no longer dependent on pain relief to function.


Yes, I still have days when I need the pain relief, and I take the minimum amount needed (usually 1 stick, rarely 2) and there are times when I want to take it and I'm not really in that much pain, so I don't take any and I "ride" through the pain and discomfort. I really feel the cannabis was helpful in getting me off the opioids when they weren't working anymore, and I was on the verge of addiction or overdosing to get enough relief.


I still have a long way to go on my PT, but I don't feel nearly as hopeless as I did. I'm also "re-training" myself to use my right hand/arm when I can. I still paddle with my left, but I manage to give Shilo a pink bottom with it. I need to start focusing on using my right arm again for that, but I still have some fear with that.


One step at a time.

The Time Is Now

I can no longer live my life the way others would want me or expect me to be. Life has ripped the last veil. Stare if you must, laugh even, but it won't change who I am.


Some will have pity and leave. There will be a few who will come and kick me and rip me to shreds, whether for their own enjoyment, or the enjoyment of others. Others, the ones who are truly able to Love me will stay, and sit by me, or even tend to my wounds. Not because of who I am, but because of who they are. Staying by someone when they have nothing left, when their veils have been ripped, their protective shell broken, and all you see is a wounded soft underbelly is Honorable. Loving them is doubly so. I'm still not sure what hurts more. Being the wounded, or caring for the wounded. I know the rewards of both, but I've only experienced one until now. Being on the other side is uncharted territory, and showing my wounds, as ugly as they are, and knowing I'm powerless to heal myself without the time and patience of others has been humbling.


I'd like to think that in spite of the mess I must be, I'm in the healing stage. It doesn't stop people from kicking me or cutting me, but I'm no longer crying for mercy when they do it. I'm feeling defiant, not fighting them, but wondering out loud if that's the best they can do. Goading them on. I see them for who they really are. Bullies. Not Sadists. A Sadist will cut me and give me time to heal, or will at least check on me before making the next cut. Bullies kick and cut without rhyme or reason, and don't care if you'll be around. They don't tend to wounds. A Sadist will be patient. Tending to my wounds because it's become a game. I respect that. A Sadist won't purposely kill you. The aim of the bully is to be the victor. "I killed (person)" or "Look how powerful I am. I won."


Did someone call me a self-serving masochist? Really???!!! Like anyone would gleefully be exposed, beaten down to nothing, and left to die willingly? No. That is not masochism, that is insanity! My defiance isn't masochism, and even though it might appear to be insanity, I know that in order for me to get strong again, I will have to push myself. Go beyond what I feel I can handle in order to stand on my own, or in this case, stand with the Ones who Love me, who are Honorable, and who understand that this ugly wounded mess is a Warrior, and will be a Warrior once again.


I could have suffered in silence and gone into hiding when I saw the writing on the wall. We've all done that. I've done that, but you reach a point in your life where you can't keep running and hiding. When you realize that talking about your pain and maybe even showing it's ugly side will finally heal you. When you're exposed and crushed and crawling in the dirt that's become mud from all the blood you've shed.


God knows I've suffered losses in every part of my life. I've fought the demons of Fear and Insecurity, and in spite of all that, I never gave up, but sometimes you have to stop and breathe. I didn't give up.

Listen, did you hear that? I'm breathing.

Touch me. Did you feel that? It's my heart beating.

My eyes are open. Do you know what I see? I didn't think so. Only the blind run and hide. I'm not blind anymore. I see things as they are. Yes, I'm a mess, but I see that light at the end of the tunnel, and this time, I'm pretty sure it's someone else with a flashlight and not a train getting ready to run me down.


Can I be your flashlight?

Thoughts

I should be asleep.


We (my Household) were blindsided on Saturday morning. We aren't taking it very well.


I'm feeling burdened by many things that are out of my control, and I feel like screaming something to the effect of "Get me OFF this ride!" Unfortunately, it's not going to happen.


While I think I've finished mourning him, the death of my Mentor, Daddy W, has left me with an empty spot. I understand that there's no one who could possibly fill that hole, but I also feel that it would be helpful to have someone I trust to consult with. I wouldn't expect the day-to-day interaction, and I know it wouldn't be quite the same, but I sometimes hit rough spots, and I miss that Dominant male energy. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate Dominants of any gender, but it's a different interaction. I'm not looking. Just thinking out loud.


Through an odd turn of events, I was near my old stomping grounds on Saturday. It felt pretty good, and it just might be what we need. I'm throwing that in the wind because I'm hoping for a positive outcome.


Also in relationship to that, I wound up doing something I had hoped I could avoid and it might negatively affect Shilo more than anyone else. I know he can handle this, it's just that I worry.


I worry an awful lot. Mostly because the effects of my accident have lasted longer than first expected. I'm still unable to drive, so scheduling things is dependent on Shilo's availability.


That odd turn of events could possibly be the best news ever and it could give me some independence. I could walk places, and that excites me. Asking for positive thoughts.


I see the Ortho doctor Monday morning to discuss my MRI results. I'm a little afraid. I'm unsure as to what's worse: Not knowing, or knowing.


The reality hit us Saturday afternoon. We had to vote on our pets. Who to keep and who to re-home. It made us cry. The good news is that it's not perfect, but our former boarder is taking a cat, so we can have a clear conscience.


Still, I'm panicking.


I want this rough patch to be over already.


"Home" is such a lovely word.


The stress has taken it's toll on my health. I'm surprised it took so long. I'm also feeling better already. Modern medicine is wonderful!


Speaking of medicine, I've decreased the edibles I use. In other words, I'm taking less. I'm not sure if it's because the pain has decreased, or if it's got something to do with it staying in my system longer. I still restrict my usage to 8AM to 3PM only.


I feel emotionally better now than I did when I started writing this 2 hours ago.

Whazzup???!!!

Pick and Choose!

On The Vanilla Front

My youngest and his wife just had their second child (my first grandson!) at 11:36AM PST on January 2nd. They named him Nyjah Justice and he was 9lbs 6oz with a head full of dark hair. I'm happy and proud for so many reasons, but the primary reason is because this time last year they had been separated for 8 months and were on the verge of a divorce. Jonathan's cancer enabled them to see how precious life was, and they decided to try to work things out. I'm not sure if the pregnancy was planned, but I know they're happy and that's all that matters.

Kinkwise

I was feeling well enough to go out, so Shilo and Stitch got me ready dressed and pretty for a NYE party at a local dungeon. I paddled Shilo into the New Year, mostly using my left hand.

Home Issues

Things got settled concerning the repairs and who was going to pay for them. Between needing a new water heater and having a gas leak repaired under the house, I was a nervous wreck, but at least we got past it. We're still looking for somewhere to move, but they must accept Donna as part of the deal. Still holding out for a miracle so we don't have to move.

Pain Management

I'm doing okay. Went to the dispensary 2 days ago to get more edibles, and discovered they were OUT. I wasn't pretty. I wasn't angry, but I was desperate. Mostly because I had found something that actually works. The bud tender suggested Weedmaps.

Weedmaps has a listing of both doctors and dispensaries with user reviews. Admittedly, most user reviews are useless unless you think "Good chronic" is a review that's helpful, but I digress... What is useful is that each dispensary has a "menu" which is extremely helpful. Click on the dispensary, and you'll have the address and hours it's open. Scroll down a little, and it will show the weed menu. I don't smoke, so I click "ALL CATEGORIES" and choose EDIBLE. It will have a list of all current edibles available at that spot. Highest priced items on top. You can change it so lowest priced items are on top, or you can search for a specific item using the search feature. I used that and found a place nearby that had what I wanted (or so I thought) It turned out it was a slightly different product when I got there, but I bought several packages of it. I haven't had any ill effects, so I'm happy. The strength was higher per item, so I have to take less. Unfortunately, it took me 2 days to realize why I was sleeping all day, but at least I wasn't tripping or high.

TLDR

New grandchild (my third!) but first grandson. I'm very happy.

Problems with my house aren't completely solved, but the immediate problem/issue was solved. Still a little stressed, but hopeful it works out.

I went to a dungeon and played for the first time since July. Sad I didn't see more people I know, but I know GRUE is coming up so I understand why. No GRUE for me this year.

I learned how to navigate a website to find dispensaries. I also learned to never run out of edibles and plan ahead.

Well, THAT was different!

Ever since I fractured my humerus in two places (#1 halfway between the elbow and shoulder straight across. #2 The ball portion of the shoulder straight down which was tiny but more serious.) I've had issues with pain management. At first, the medication (50mg of Tramadol every 8 hours) kept my pain level to a 3, but also put me to sleep most of the time. When it hit the two week mark, my pain was at an 8 with the Tramadol, so I added 500mg of naprosyn every 8 hours as well. That meant I was up every 4 hours, taking either one or the other. That kept me at 5 for about a week, but then it shot back up to an 8. When my pain is at an 8, I can't concentrate, I'm irritable, and I cry. (probably due to depression) Horrible thoughts go through my head as well.

Several years ago, a dear (vanilla) friend got injured, and to cope with the pain, she turned to alcohol and drugs. My mind went there many times. "Take a shot or two of brandy, it won't hurt." I wasn't able to drive (I'm still not) so I would invent ways in my head to get some, but I never followed through. Still, my pain was at an 8, so I stopped taking the medication altogether for about 10 days, knowing my tolerance for the medication would decrease and it would work better. I went 10-14 days with the medication and 10 days off. Nobody should have to live like that!


Getting a frozen shoulder as a complication due to my diabetes only made things worse. I'd cry at PT, and spend the next 48 hours in my recliner, only getting up to use the bathroom. I used Ben Gay, heating pads, and take the pain meds. It was ineffective at best. My entire life revolves around my pain and how it affects everyone around me. I'm rarely pleasant, and it's difficult to be polite when I can't take a shower without assistance. I understand. I know it's a horrible chore to bathe me and wash my hair. I used to do that as a job in a rehab center, and later, at an AIDS hospice. I was required to bathe my patients daily, and I'm lucky if it gets done to me 3 times a week. (YUCK!!!)


Misery loves company, so I sometimes vent on my status update. I guess it was a month ago, a friend suggested I try CBD for pain management. This requires a prescription for medical marijuana in California. I haven't smoked/used marijuana in about 35 years. I sat on this and debated until about a week ago. I had a long detailed discussion with Shilo and Stitch about what this would mean, and risks associated with it for me. We agreed that the benefits outweighed the risks. My next step was to google doctors who prescribed medical marijuana. I found one that was semi-local to me, and he had good ratings. The price for a visit wasn't horribly bad, so I made plans to go on Friday. (12-16)


There were 2 other people in the waiting room when I signed in. I sat and waited about 30 minutes. I had my most recent lab work with me along with questions. Whenever I see a doctor, I expect a short exam followed by questions. I also expect to see a live person who is concerned with my well-being. Imagine my surprise when I was sat in front of a computer and talked to a doctor via Skype! I was even more shocked (appalled!) when he asked me how much pot I was currently smoking! This guy was off to bad start already. His laughing and jokes made me even more uncomfortable. He was even more surprised when I asked him about edibles ("Don't worry, the people at the dispensary will answer all your questions." WTF???!!!) I felt cheated. Is this how it's really done? He told me I'd get my blood pressure taken and that I was approved. All I could think was Well, THAT was different! Then the receptionist told me that she didn't need my blood pressure and I paid her and got my prescription that was good for one year. Honestly, I'm surprised that there aren't stricter laws for getting a prescription. Maybe I'm old school, but this was definitely hinky.


I was kind of relieved that when we got to the dispensary a few miles away it was tightly controlled. Still, she tried to sell me "flower" (fancy term for the green stuff) Again, I discussed edibles, and she showed me what they had. I bought something called Cheeba Chews on her recommendation and 2 salted caramels because it looked good. I know I only needed a little, so that was enough to last me a week.

 

My Assessment:

Seeing a doctor via Skype is just a little too weird for me. He was unprofessional, and I doubt I would ever return.

The Cheeba Chews is just nasty tasting, but it's effective. I won't buy it anymore.

I like the salted caramel, and I only need half of one to be pain free for most of the day.

I think I'd rather stick to buying small edibles vs. the large ones (cookies, brownies, crispy bars)

The dispensary is almost too overwhelming for me.

I really think I need someone who is more experienced to assist me in picking out edibles that isn't an employee of the dispensary because there are too many choices.

ADDENDUM:

No, I will not name the doctor or the dispensary.