Loathing In The House Of The Laughing Sun

I'm trying, I've tried. As far as I know, I've done my very best. I don't lie to Shilo, and other than the occasional sadness or worries about things, I don't hide things from him. It's perfect. Well, except for now.

There is insanity creeping in. I don't know if it's because of us being stuck at home due to the continuing COVID-19 stay at home orders, or something else. All I do know is that there's no reasoning with crazy, and that crazy eventually rubs off onto everything and everyone else. People who know me best know that while I can be social when necessary, I much prefer being quiet at home. Oh! and hugs! I am a hugger. I enjoy physical contact, but on my conditions. Obviously, I'm not getting nearly enough hugs. This adds to my depression and anxiety. Again, due to the COVID-19 restrictions, I don't see people who I used to see ALL the time. This includes "Master B." Sure, we've seen each other a few times, but due to the potential health risks, we have made a conscious decision to not see each other. It suits us well. Over the time we've been in a relationship, we have gone through long periods of time (3+ months) where we didn't see each other. We're also guilty of having a lack of communication, in that we will go for weeks without talking to each other on the phone or even emailing each other or texting. It's just how we are in our relationship. Again, this is NOT a big deal. Not for us, anyway. We’re both confident and comfortable with it.

Do I miss "Master B?" Sure I miss him, but not in the same longing for him way that I have missed Shilo when we’ve been apart. Like it or not, I’m very attached to Shilo. Unfortunately, Shilo has been extremely difficult lately. Aggressive, disagreeable, argumentative, and he’s been making my life a living hell. I know he’s going to see this, but I’m not concerned about that. What I am concerned about is his reason. Why is he acting like this? What (real or imagined) thing has happened to cause this? I asked him last night. I’m past frustration, and I’ve gotten to the point of exasperation with his behavior, and his answer didn’t make things any better. What is Shilo’s reason for mistreating me, you ask? Brace yourselves, people. This is good. In his (Shilo’s) words taken from his blog (https://merryslavesdiary.blogspot.com/2020/12/15-december-tuesday-diary-hfc-70.html)

“A feeling of ..anger..and resentment... building up within me, based on my belief that she would rather be with B than with me.”

That’s it! That’s what he thinks, and NONE OF IT is based on reality. It’s all his thinking and imagination, and I’m being punished for it. And, yes, this is punishing for me. The anger and resentment being displayed hurts me to the core, and he knows it, and he doesn’t care, because in his mind, I deserve it. I’d laugh if I didn’t feel like crying.

I’ve reassured him to the best of my ability, told him he can look through all my accounts to see what I’ve written and sent to “Master B.” I have nothing to hide. But Shilo thinks I have some “hidden agenda.” I don’t. I’m battling an overwhelming feeling of sadness and depression and doing my best to muddle through. Blame the time of year. Tomorrow will be 8 years since my Mom’s sudden and unexpected death. It comes down to would I like to see “Master B?” Yes, but not with all the COVID-19 restrictions. Do I miss him? Yes, but I miss LOTS of people, some more than others. Would I rather be with him than Shilo? That’s a trick question, because right now Shilo is currently doing everything in his power to make me miserable, and I don’t like feeling miserable. But in general, no, I’d rather be right here where I am, with my Chosen One and Husband, Shilo. He (Shilo) is my home, “Master B” is my Disneyland. Fun to visit under normal circumstances, but I most certainly wouldn’t want to live there, and after a day or two, I’m more than ready to go home, and right now, home is where I want to be. I just wish Shilo understood that.

 

EDITED TO ADD:

It's a good thing that Shilo has been avoiding the six o'clock alarm, because his anger has rubbed off on me.  I couldn't spank him anyway.

 

Nothing Rhymes With Oranges!

 It's that time of year again! 

My Dear friend and fellow blogger, KD Pierre, (http://collectedsubs.blogspot.com/)  has his annual Holiday Cocktail exchange. This year however, things have been more than a little topsy-turvy, so recipes have been encouraged as well.  I thought about this, and decided why not have it all? So I present to you my recipe for candied orange peel that  gives you 3 (THREE!) treats in one fabulous recipe!

Merry's Candied Orange Peels

3 to 4 large oranges

1½ cups water

3 cups sugar

2 cups sugar

Buy the prettiest oranges you can find. Unblemished and pleasant smelling. Wash the whole orange under running water to get rid of any dirt or residue.

Using a sharp knife, remove the orange peels carefully, then cut the peels into 1/4-inch-wide strips. 

 

Boil peels and 1 cup cold water to a pan, bring to a boil and cook for 15 minutes. Rinse and drain, repeat. (I like to do it a minimum of 3 times)

Add 3 cups sugar and 1½ cups water to a pan. Heat, stirring, until the sugar is dissolved and the syrup is boiling. Add the peels, reduce to a simmer and cook, using a wooden spoon to stir the pan occasionally, for 1 hour. Don’t be like me and get distracted!

 

Place 2 cups of sugar in a medium bowl.

Use a slotted spoon to remove a few of the peels at a time and let the excess syrup drip off for a few seconds. Place the hot, wet peels in the bowl of sugar and toss to coat. Place on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper to set, about 2 hours. Put it in a ziplock bag or a plastic container.

There are many uses for candied orange peel, my favorite being eating it as is, but you can add it to nearly any recipe or even cocktails. Check out Google for ideas.

 

 

Save the syrup to add to your drinks/cocktails for a wonderful kick of citrus flavor!. Save remaining orange infused sugar for special occasions. (I like it in my herbal tea)

ENJOY!

 

Photo Credits 

Orange peel: Me

Naked Chef pictures: Stitch M.

True Christmas Eve Story PLUS A Gift For My Friends

Imagine this:
6PM Christmas Eve. I enter a crowded grocery store in Long Beach, CA.  Yeah, I can be a bit of a masochist at times. anyway, i realized I was nearly out of paper towels, and I needed oranges for tomorrow's breakfast, so I braved the insanity. Imagine my surprise/horror when I saw an ENTIRE row devoted to Valentine's Day! On Christmas Eve! What The Actual FUCK???!!! Anyway, I got in the shortest long line (9 people in front of me) and waited.

I'm still a bit behind in my cooking/baking, and some gifts won't be arriving until Saturday (via Amazon) but at least that part is done.

My Christmas Gift:

Due to several requests, I'm sharing my Mother's recipe for Christmas Pork. The fun part was reducing the recipe from what I normally do (5+ lbs of pork, nearly 3 large bottles of red wine vinegar, and a full bottle of red wine plus more heads of garlic than I care to admit) to what "normal" people do. (about a pound of pork) Here is the base recipe (measurements of seasonings are to taste, but it is very garlicky)

Christmas Pork (Portuguese Recipe)

1 lb Pork cut into cubes
1 1/2 cups red wine vinegar
3/4 cup dry red wine
1 bay leaf
1 large whole garlic head with cloves sliced thin
1 teaspoon salt
pepper (just a little)
1/2 teaspoon Italian seasoning

Mix together vinegar, red wine, garlic, salt, bay leaf, pepper, and Italian seasoning in large bowl. Add pork, and stir well. Make sure pork cubes are covered. Refrigerate minimum overnight, better if 24 hours. Stir occasionally.

On Christmas morning (about 11, because I like to sleep in) I drain the pork on a paper towel, then melt about 1/2 cube of butter in a large skillet. Add the pork to the skillet in batches to prevent crowding; cook and stir until completely browned and no longer pink in the center. Add more butter as necessary. DO NOT USE MARGARINE OR OIL!

Now, you might ask then what? Make plain scrambled eggs, and serve them together. For real authenticity, serve oranges cut in quarters on the side. Now, the purpose for the orange is twofold. One, it cuts on the garlic breath, two, it reduces the gas.

Merry Christmas!

♥ ♥ ♥

Merry

Cocktails Anyone?

I'm pretty sure most people have heard of a "Cookie Exchange" where a group of people (usually women) get together around Hanukkah and Christmas and bake a batch of their specialty cookies and have cards available with the recipe so that they can share it.

Anyway, my Dear Friend KDPierre came up with a different idea.  How about doing one with Holiday cocktails? It doesn't have to have alcohol in it (Good thing, because I don't drink alcohol!) and it would be fun! Well, I'm on board with that!

You can find the blog with the participation information and "rules" HERE! On the date of what I'm calling the "Cocktail Party" add your link to the recipe, and then, add everyone else's links to their cocktail recipes so it looks like Hermoine's and then EVERYONE can have some fun!

See you on the 17th!

Half Past Midnight

Happy New Year! May 2018 bring you all the Joy you can handle.

Getting Burned ~ A True Story

Yes, it's April Fools Day, but this isn't a joke. Still, I wish it was...

Sunday, March 27 was Easter. It's a Christian Holiday celebrated by Christians worldwide. However, because I live in the good old U.S. of A, it's become a day of food and fun, much like the Pagan feasts on which they (Christians) borrowed many years ago.

So, on to my story...

Shilo worked on Sunday. In fact, he works every Sunday evening from about 3PM until about 6 the following morning.  In other words, he works a very LONG shift. This is so he works 3 nights a week instead of the traditional 4. This means that any Sunday Holiday is either celebrated Saturday night before, or Thursday night after. I go all out on preparation of Holiday meals.  My planned meal for Easter was ham, gluten-free (I use corn starch instead of flour) potatoes Au gratin, and broccoli.  I bought the bone-in ham, Yukon gold potatoes, cheese and broccoli last Saturday.

I put the ham flat side down in a roaster pan and ignore it. I always make the glaze separate because I prefer to pour it on my meat when I'm eating it. As for the potatoes Au gratin I do most of the potato slicing using the side of my grater, then Shilo takes over cutting the small pieces I leave with a knife. I make the gluten-free cheese sauce while the potatoes are boiling. When the potatoes have boiled long enough, they go into a strainer.  I usually have Stitch help with that, but he was hiding in the bedroom, so Shilo helped instead. Maybe I wasn't clear in how I usually dump the potatoes, but when I dumped, I got a splash-back of boiling water on my right leg.  Yeah, it hurt like a motherfucker, but a little cold water on the spot and I was fine.  That was burn #1.

Burn #2 was when I took the aforementioned ham out of the oven.  Well, not that moment, but when I used the large fork to turn it over to cut, I lost my grip, and splash! went the ham in its juices, and it got all over the tight tank I was wearing. I ran out of the kitchen screaming in pain, all the while pulling off my clothes. I got into a too-cold shower and screamed more. I eventually settled, and got clean. Fortunately, the 4 inch square of burned skin was a light pink, and not as bad as it felt when it happened. I'm pretty sure I did the right thing by pulling my clothes off immediately. Needless to say, Shilo sliced the ham for me to avoid any further injury to me.

I will admit that the food was so good, it was almost worth the burns.  I'm feeling okay today, and the burns are almost completely gone because I took care of them right away.

Thank goodness I don't have to do anymore major cooking till Thanksgiving!

This really should be in my "About Me"

---

Well, part of it is, but not all of it. The "I have PTSD and SAD, amongst other things" is clearly stated there, if you dig deep enough. However, what isn't stated (and should be) is that my psychiatrist/therapist considers me to be medication compliant and stable. What is clearly stated in my chart is that I only call if there is a REALLY EXTREME PROBLEM This means that things are CRITICAL and the call is to be returned as soon as possible. I routinely joke that if I called every time something was wrong, I'd be calling almost daily, but I have enough common sense to call only when I feel I can't handle it anymore. So, when mom died 3 years ago? YES !!! When Shilo's mom died? Not right then, but I did notify so I could get my flying medication. When I first got Jonathan's cancer diagnosis? You better believe it!

So now I have friends offering assistance. I really appreciate it, and I will definitely take them up on it, but I honestly feel so confused that I don't know what I want or need right now. Jonathan isn't up to even having me visit, so I'm respecting his wishes. We're waiting to find out if any of his 4 brothers are a match for a bone marrow transplant, and those results are at least a week away, according to the Oncologist. "Hurry up and wait" is how it is. In the meantime, there are 'spots' in his lungs that were discovered in his last body scan, done on Tuesday, so we're waiting on the results of a bronchoscopy(sp?) that was was done on Thursday.

Am I worried? Honestly, not nearly as badly as I was when all this first started. Somehow, having a few more answers has calmed me down. We've had a few times already when it looked like Jon was close to dying, and I've felt so hopeless and helpless and frightened, but with him being somewhere where all the staff is experienced with cancer patients, I've actually been able to breathe easier. The statistics aren't that good, but if Jonathan hadn't gone to the ER when he did, he would have died on the plane trip to Japan that was planned a week after the ER visit. I know this is all borrowed time, so I'm thankful for every call, every hug, and every "I Love you Mom" that I get. Consider this a calm before the storm. I know it's coming, and I'm girding up for it. When it hits, I will call, I will text, I will take up those offers.

"So, Merry, what do want right now?" I want all my friends to have a Blessed Solstice, Happy Yule, Happy Festivus, Happy Mawlid Al Nabi, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Boxing Day, Happy National Chocolate Day, Happy Bacon Day, and finally, A VERY Happy New Year! If I neglected to mention a date important to you, I apologize, and I hope it is as wonderful as you are!

Competition

There is none. I say it all the time. Each (male) person fulfills a different aspect of my life, and, in most cases, one cannot substitute or replace the other. The truth is, while there might be some overlapping skill sets, there is no true replacement for the other. Also, there is always room for more. I am able to love each one fully in my own way. One does not and can not take from the other.

Think of it like a household with multiple children. Each one is loved. Nobody goes without. So, what happens when a new child enters the family, and there's jealousy or sibling rivalry? Ideally, this doesn't happen, because each one knows their place and position, but sometimes, even with all the talking and pre-planning it happens. Someone will get an award at school, or someone won't pass the tryouts, and everything will turn upside down due to the extra attention bestowed on one or the other. Each one has different needs at different times. Yes, we want one to be happy for the other one, but sometimes it's hard or downright impossible. Sometimes, even with all the reminders of love someone will feel a twinge of jealousy. Someone will (temporarily) feel insecure. Someone will be overlooked. When that "someone" is you, it's not easy. Even when you are reminded that you are important and special.

I'm far from perfect. I make mistakes. I forget things. I overlook things, and I even step on the feelings of others unintentionally. When does something go from being a "Merry" thing to being a "Merry and Stitch" thing, or a "Merry and Shilo" thing, or a "Family/Household" thing? How do I know this? When our female boarder asks me Tuesday afternoon if everything is okay between me and Shilo because there was no sound of Tuesday morning WMS, how am I supposed to answer that? When and how exactly did that become a Merry and Shilo thing? Or Monday night lasagna dinner with Stitch? Or late night talks with Sherman? There's even the stuff I do exclusively with my female boarder. I separate those things. Those things are definitely "Merry and (insert name here)" things. Other things are still "Merry" things, like the beginning of the month shopping at the 99 cents only store. I mostly do it with Stitch still, but I've done it with Shilo as well. There's the post-dungeon ice cream stop in Rosemead. Also the pre-dungeon dinner in Rosemead that seems to have mostly fallen by the wayside. I never know how things will change and evolve.

So, what do I desire, and how can I get it? I desire clear communication. I can ask for it, but sometimes I don't know how to ask for it. Generally, if something is important to me, I'll tell a person. but unless someone tells me a thing is important to them, I'll place the same importance on it as I do when it relates to me. An example: Cards and celebrations are important to Shilo when it comes to events such as birthdays and (monthly) anniversaries. I used to treat it like it wasn't a big deal, because it wasn't. It took me not giving him a card on his birthday for him to have a meltdown, Once that meltdown took place, and we discussed our different opinions on it, I learned what he expected, and I do my best to get him  a card on our monthly wedding anniversary date, and I will make a big deal on his birthday with a card, because I was told. Stitch doesn't make a big deal on his birthday, so I still keep it low-key. Who knows what types of expectations Sherman has? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

MORAL OF STORY: Plenty of Love to go around. No real competition. Talk about individual needs, desires, and expectations. My mind-reading skills are not as good as everyone thinks they are.

IN CLOSING:  Naptime!

One Year and Two Days Later

I’ve waited till now to write this because I was reluctant to write it any sooner. Losing my mother and coping with her sudden unexpected death was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Yes, there were things that I mourned over that I has more of a reaction to (Mom would understand) since her death, but she is who and what I miss most in my life. I have almost constant reminders of her, and now that I have my own place, my own home, I find little reminders of her in the strangest spots. Sometimes, I manage to smile or even laugh. Other times, I fall apart and cry loudly, but, mostly, my reactions are somewhere in between.

The Christmas tree: It was in a box on storage, and we emptied the storage earlier this month. It’s been in a box in the garage since then. Shilo finally broached the subject last week. I told him he could put it up. He did it on the one year anniversary of her death while I was out for the day. Seeing the lights through the living room window caused me to smile, but I haven’t put on the decorations or turned on the lights. I can’t. It’s just too hard right now. The nativity scene is still boxed up somewhere. Mom Loved it, and was a perfectionist in setting it up ‘just so.’ How can I possibly do it justice? How can I do any of this and give her honor? The sad truth is that I’m still feeling lost about it all. I need to figure it all out on my own, and I don’t have a map. I don’t even have a navigator. It’s just me, lost in a sea of darkness. Okay, maybe it’s not really that horrible, but it does feel like that at times, and while I try to fill these days just before Christmas, I avoid everything to do with it.

Avoiding everything: Christmas Carols at the stores… I run in and get out as quickly as possible when going to the mall. I went this past Friday and bought gifts for Stitch and Shilo. Total time: 25 minutes, most of which was spent in line to pay. I went again Saturday evening with Stitch to look for a dress but came home with nothing. I spent 45 minutes total in the stores that time. Running errands in other stores Saturday evening was an adventure. I was so preoccupied in my search that I didn’t notice the music if there was any. I’ve avoided Christmas specials on TV, but I did record “Rudolph” because it is my favorite program. I’ve not watched it yet. Not sure if I can get through it without crying. Lastly, the radio… I quickly change the station when I hear the beginning of any Christmas song. In fact, over the past month, I’ve only heard three songs, none of which caused me to cry.

I feel almost Grinch-like in my actions to the outside world, but, unlike the Grinch, I already know that Christmas is here, it’s coming fast, and I can’t stop it. It’s in the heart, and while it breaks mine to be without my mother, I know that there are children experiencing the wonder and joy of it for the very first time. Not one year olds, I mean slightly older, when they finally have a grasp of it. I try to be happy for them. Sunshine will hopefully always have that, but she’s not even interested in seeing Santa Claus this time. Yes, she’s sad too. She even hijacked my body for most of the weekend, but was kind enough to leave a few memories. I guess she was worried about me. Either way, I’m either sad or numb. NOT a good thing. I know it will eventually be easier, but I’m not there yet.

The victims: Yes, there are victims. Sunshine, who mourns mom’s death so greatly, more than I ever could. Stitch, because he loved her so much, and she was good to him. I’m not exactly sure how he feels, because I’m in my own bubble when it comes to this, but I’ll say that there have been more than a few times when we cried together. Finally, there is Shilo. Sweet Shilo came into this after the fact. He was told about all this in the beginning, but I feel like sometimes the entire situation is overwhelming. He’s comforted us (both Sunshine and me) in the car, the van, the grocery store, church, the mall, you name it, and he’s done so with such graciousness, kindness and Love, that I feel so very grateful to have him in my life. I also understand that mom had to die for me to have him in my life, and that I wouldn’t have the good things that I have in my life right now if mom hadn’t died (cause and effect) so I face that reality too.

Soo… Two days till Christmas and I’m still fighting myself, avoiding the places that mom and I would go to just so I won’t fall apart and cry. The psychologist in me tells me to go there because it would be cathartic, and the rest of me fights it,  not wanting to re-open those wounds, I’m not sure who will win, but I know that I’d better decide quickly, because time is running out and I actually need to get those things.

For those of you who celebrate, I hope your Christmas is happy and full of Joy. For the rest of you: Enjoy your hump day. I think I’ll survive.

Reflections

It's not been the easiest 11 months of my life. Sometimes, I still feel so very lost, and I am left wondering how I've even managed to get this far. Still, as much as I miss my mother, and I'm reduced to tears sometimes, I can't help but be grateful for the people who have been there for me, and the new friends who have enriched my life so much, including (and especially) Shilo.

Each day. each hour, brings me closer to the one year mark. My first Thanksgiving without mom is a week away, and Christmas? It'll be my second. I still occasionally fall apart in the produce department, and now that the Winter Holidays are nearly here, I see constant reminders of my mom. The chocolate covered liqueur cherries, the panettone, the brussels sprouts on the stalk, hams and turkeys, the fresh yams and marshmallows and eggnog. As much as mom bitched about the holidays, she enjoyed the grocery shopping, the selecting and buying the "just right" items. We'd go shopping about 3 or 4 days before Thanksgiving, and battle everyone else to find just the right turkey. As it's gotten closer, I've debated how to handle it. The shopping, I mean.There's never been a doubt in my mind that I'd prepare a Thanksgiving dinner, after all, I've done it for years, and I have so much to be grateful for. My only "problem" has been in wrapping my head around the shopping, because of memories of doing it with mom. I know (hope) that one day, I'll feel nostalgic, but, for now, I only feel intense emotional pain.  

Without even realizing it, Shilo gave me an "out" by sending me grocery shopping for the household. I was supposed to go Tuesday night, but I fell asleep, so I wound up waking very early Wednesday morning (5:30AM) and I hit the nearly-empty grocery store just after it opened. Since there wasn't even a crowd of people, I was able to shop, and even pick out the turkey without dealing with the normal holiday crowd. Naturally, there's more stuff I need to buy, but I'm sure that Shilo will go with me over the weekend, and we can get the staples and dessert then. He's actually been very helpful as far as my emotional outbursts, because he never met my mother, so he is able to soothe away my pain. In my previous post it might have seemed that I wrote that he lacks compassion, but that is not the case. It's more that he can occasionally (frequently) be insensitive to my needs as a woman, as his wife, and that expressing sadness is hard for him, and he will step on my feelings without even realizing he's done so. If I am sad or crying, he tries really hard to comfort me or Sunshine. He will just have to be mindful of my needs.