Loathing In The House Of The Laughing Sun

I'm trying, I've tried. As far as I know, I've done my very best. I don't lie to Shilo, and other than the occasional sadness or worries about things, I don't hide things from him. It's perfect. Well, except for now.

There is insanity creeping in. I don't know if it's because of us being stuck at home due to the continuing COVID-19 stay at home orders, or something else. All I do know is that there's no reasoning with crazy, and that crazy eventually rubs off onto everything and everyone else. People who know me best know that while I can be social when necessary, I much prefer being quiet at home. Oh! and hugs! I am a hugger. I enjoy physical contact, but on my conditions. Obviously, I'm not getting nearly enough hugs. This adds to my depression and anxiety. Again, due to the COVID-19 restrictions, I don't see people who I used to see ALL the time. This includes "Master B." Sure, we've seen each other a few times, but due to the potential health risks, we have made a conscious decision to not see each other. It suits us well. Over the time we've been in a relationship, we have gone through long periods of time (3+ months) where we didn't see each other. We're also guilty of having a lack of communication, in that we will go for weeks without talking to each other on the phone or even emailing each other or texting. It's just how we are in our relationship. Again, this is NOT a big deal. Not for us, anyway. We’re both confident and comfortable with it.

Do I miss "Master B?" Sure I miss him, but not in the same longing for him way that I have missed Shilo when we’ve been apart. Like it or not, I’m very attached to Shilo. Unfortunately, Shilo has been extremely difficult lately. Aggressive, disagreeable, argumentative, and he’s been making my life a living hell. I know he’s going to see this, but I’m not concerned about that. What I am concerned about is his reason. Why is he acting like this? What (real or imagined) thing has happened to cause this? I asked him last night. I’m past frustration, and I’ve gotten to the point of exasperation with his behavior, and his answer didn’t make things any better. What is Shilo’s reason for mistreating me, you ask? Brace yourselves, people. This is good. In his (Shilo’s) words taken from his blog (https://merryslavesdiary.blogspot.com/2020/12/15-december-tuesday-diary-hfc-70.html)

“A feeling of ..anger..and resentment... building up within me, based on my belief that she would rather be with B than with me.”

That’s it! That’s what he thinks, and NONE OF IT is based on reality. It’s all his thinking and imagination, and I’m being punished for it. And, yes, this is punishing for me. The anger and resentment being displayed hurts me to the core, and he knows it, and he doesn’t care, because in his mind, I deserve it. I’d laugh if I didn’t feel like crying.

I’ve reassured him to the best of my ability, told him he can look through all my accounts to see what I’ve written and sent to “Master B.” I have nothing to hide. But Shilo thinks I have some “hidden agenda.” I don’t. I’m battling an overwhelming feeling of sadness and depression and doing my best to muddle through. Blame the time of year. Tomorrow will be 8 years since my Mom’s sudden and unexpected death. It comes down to would I like to see “Master B?” Yes, but not with all the COVID-19 restrictions. Do I miss him? Yes, but I miss LOTS of people, some more than others. Would I rather be with him than Shilo? That’s a trick question, because right now Shilo is currently doing everything in his power to make me miserable, and I don’t like feeling miserable. But in general, no, I’d rather be right here where I am, with my Chosen One and Husband, Shilo. He (Shilo) is my home, “Master B” is my Disneyland. Fun to visit under normal circumstances, but I most certainly wouldn’t want to live there, and after a day or two, I’m more than ready to go home, and right now, home is where I want to be. I just wish Shilo understood that.

 

EDITED TO ADD:

It's a good thing that Shilo has been avoiding the six o'clock alarm, because his anger has rubbed off on me.  I couldn't spank him anyway.

 

Can You Hear Me?

A Tale Of Discouragement

47 days. Forty-seven FUCKING days. I have monitored my eating habits, followed a (relatively) strict diet, increased my fluid intake, and monitored my blood sugar and kept it down to an acceptable level with few exceptions. I don't expect overnight results, but I've begun to feel healthier and my blood sugar results are proof that it's paying off. I chart my dietary intakes, I care about what goes in my body.


I'm proud of my progress. My Household and those close to me know what sacrifices I've made for this. I'm NOT a "special snowflake" and numbers don't lie. All this work is paying off, and I'm doing it in spite of the stressors caused by Shilo's prostate cancer and dealing with the delays caused by it. I am a warrior, and I haven't stopped or given up. I've even been a good example for Shilo, who is now taking better care of his diabetes, and I believe it's never too late to make life and lifestyle changes. There is no "too old" or "too late" until we're dead.


So, what's wrong? Why am I discouraged? Well, I went to the doctor today, for my every three months check, and I made a copy of my charting to show him my blood levels and discuss my changes, and ask him what he thought of the improvements. He barely even glanced at them, and told me that I was wasting my time, and I didn't need to keep track of things. Instead of acknowledging the improvements, and giving feedback on my questions, he ignored them and focused on other things. I mean, my blood pressure has improved, my pants (when I wear them) are too big. It wasn't that long ago that I was 225, and now I hover between 190 and 195. He didn't even answer my questions! When he was finished, I went down to my car and cried. I just can't handle this.


I deserve better. I deserve to be heard. I pay him to assist me in improving my health, and I'm being ignored, and I'm tired of it. If this was any other relationship, I would have ended it already, and that is where I am now. Unfortunately, unlike a relationship, where I can do without the hassle, I need a doctor. Contacting my insurance is one of many steps I have to take, so this is more like a divorce.

And now that I've written this, I still feel discouraged, but I also feel better, because I know what I have to do. Find a new doctor. Wish me the best!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfY4OfUXiYU 

  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPwcf60X-Q4

My Anger? (1-21-18)

Really???!!! What is this anger you speak of, and why do you think that my anger, if any, is focused on anyone other than myself? I’m a grown-up and I make my own decisions. Sure, I might consult with Shilo or Stitch, and my Mentor when he was alive, but the end decision to do something is my own. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of poor decisions in the past. I’ll even admit that I’m guilty of poor decisions in the recent past. Sometimes, I’ll even allow my emotions to guide my decisions, and love is a pretty powerful emotion.

No, I don’t feel anger. I do feel pain and disappointment, with both myself and others. How could I have trusted someone with my heart? Why do I love and trust others at all? Even though I could easily say there was deceit, the deceit isn’t solely on the other person, because I deceived myself as well. Probably more than they did. I wanted to believe that the love was reciprocal. Maybe it was. Unfortunately, sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

Polyamory, for me, at least, is less about sex and sexual activity than love. Love is the common denominator. Love is always there. I’m all for others having as much sex as they want (preferably safely) but love comes first for me. If I don’t love you, I won’t engage in sexual intercourse with you. I tell others, and they just don’t get it. They believe it’s about sex for everyone. That’s fine, it’s just not for me.

Those of you reading this might be surprised by what I’m about to write, mostly because I have remained silent, and I didn’t want to cause trouble or further heartache for someone, but in the past week, I have been accused of (in no particular order) overreacting, being irrational, unreasonable, intentionally causing problems, backstabbing, telling lies about someone, being mean, being malicious, not being sex-positive, and dragging someone through the mud, when the truth was (and has always been) that I have always spoken about this person in complimentary ways. Telling others how wonderful, caring, and considerate this person was, and when I was asked about what happened between us, I’ve only said that it was a miscommunication, and that we were unable to reach an agreement.

I understand now that by using those words against me, it was a pathetic attempt to cause me to feel guilt. To that, I say “too late!” I already felt guilty when I realized what a poor decision I made. Maybe if I had received kindness instead, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

Regrets? Here is my answer to that:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwk0Sh3id4w

The Aftermath

It's over. 

3 ½ years after it began. It was my decision based on my (now ex) boyfriend's actions. In a way, he made it easy, in another way, he ripped me to shreds. I loved him. I still love him, and it hurts.

So many feelings... hurt, betrayed, disrespected, and sadness that the events leading to the breakup happened. Put simply, he cheated. I know that some people can't understand how polyamorous people can cheat, so I will explain:

We had an agreement in place. I have my own personal guidelines that Stitch and I put in place when we first started this journey.  Later, when Shilo entered my life, he agreed to the guidelines. When I started dating my boyfriend, he agreed to my personal rules regarding how sexual activity with me is handled as well. Right about 2 years after we started dating, he requested and fulfilled the final requirement for us to engage in intercourse. There had been kissing, touching, and oral sex early in the relationship, but no intercourse.

Anyway, once that final hurdle was passed, I had permission to engage in intercourse with him. How much, how often is mostly irrelevant. What is relevant is that as time passed, I realized that we needed parameters with each other. Negotiations ensued, and our relationship was good. It was healthy. We saw each other frequently and enjoyed each other's company.

In early August, he asked about becoming fluid bonded(ref: https://www.verywell.com/fluid-bonding-3132610)  with me, but he wanted me to have a  full set of STD tests which includedHSV1, HSV2, and HPV. I was fine with that, but imagine my horror when my doctor told me that I would have to see a GYN doctor! Okay, now you're probably wondering what's so horrible about seeing a GYN doctor. I have PTSD, and some of that is related to a rape exam I had when I was raped in July 2004. Just seeing the stirrups causes a panic attack. Waiting 4 weeks for the appointment was hell, and then having to drag Shilo with me so he could help me get through the exam was emotionally exhausting.

Naturally, I tested negative for everything but HSV1 (cold sore virus) and since he has HSV1 as well, it was okay. When he fucked the other woman he started seeing last month, (ref: comments on  https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/12/processing-12-28-2017.html)  it was without a condom, but then he told me that they would be using a condom with each other after that. I took him at his word. He never mentioned if or when she was tested.

In the meantime, we engaged in unprotected sex early this month. He never mentioned anything about the other girl, so I assumed it was okay, and that they were using condoms.

UNTIL...

Well, until Saturday (1-13) evening. Shilo was going to the hospital for tests, and I wanted to attend a party, and since my boyfriend was attending, he agreed to drive me and have me spend the night. He had mentioned wanting to "talk" so I was kind of prepared for less-than-good news. When I asked him what the news was, I realized that I really wasn't prepared for what I heard.

What I heard was "I don't care about our agreement or the health of Shilo and Stitch, or even you. I've been fucking (girl) without a condom, and I plan to continue." What he said was "I've been having sex with (girl) frequently without a condom."  When I asked why, he said "It just happened."

WHAT THE EVER-LIVING FUCK???!!!

Was my thought, but instead I expressed my anger and disappointment at his irresponsibility and lack of concern for not only my safety but the safety of my Household, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. In the meantime, we had arrived at the venue, and I got myself together the best way I knew how, and said that I wasn't ready to deal with it. When we walked in, I put on my happy brave face, and talked to a few people, avoiding my boyfriend, and  struggling to keep myself together. 

I actually had one scene planned with a young man, and after announcements, I played with him for about thirty minutes. Then I noticed my boyfriend playing with the other girl, and because I couldn't handle it, I walked into the front office and tried to regain my rapidly-disappearing composure. One of the leaders who is a friend asked me if I was okay, and it put me over the edge, and I stared to cry again.

When she heard the story, she said "You aren't going home with him, are you?" I was at a party in the middle of Orange County, and I live in Long Beach. What else was I supposed to do??  There wasn't anyone at the party who lived anywhere near Long Beach, and most of the people were passing acquaintances at best.  One of the other leaders offered to let me stay overnight with him and his wife, and I immediately refused because I didn't know him, and had no clue who his wife was.

Fortunately, my friend vouched for him, and when he offered again, I agreed. I found my boyfriend, asked him to let me get my medication out of the car, and then took all my stuff out. He didn't notice. I spent most of the rest of the evening until the party was over in the office alternating between crying and regaining my composure. Sometime during my more composed times, the wife came in, and it turned out that I did know her. She was happy to have me overnight, so I at least felt comfortable with the idea. 

Just before the party ended, I told my boyfriend that my friend wanted me to stay with her so I could help her with some things in the morning, and when he asked, I told him that I had my stuff. I had sent a text to Child #2 telling him that I was at a party, and I wasn't going home with my boyfriend, so I wanted him to have the address of where I was going to be.

Once I was back at the home of my wonderful host and hostess, and settled, I laid down and cried all night. Sleep eluded me. I was so very sad and miserable, and I knew I had to end it, but taking the advice of my friend, and another friend I had emailed the night before, I decided to wait a few days until my head was clear. I didn't want to react emotionally and lose my composure, and I was really afraid that I'd be unable to do it. 

When they drive me home on Sunday afternoon, I had already notified Stitch by text that I didn't stay overnight with my boyfriend and that I'd explain when I got home. I burst into tears again as I told Stitch and Shilo what happened.  I was fully expecting an  "I told you so" from Shilo, and instead he comforted me and held me, and gently undressed me, set up my CPAP, and tucked me in bed.

I was just so very sad, and I cried whenever I was awake. On Monday evening, my boyfriend sent me an email saying he was ready to talk when I was, and I suggested a text on Tuesday evening. 

When Tuesday came, he wanted to talk on the phone, but I realized that no matter how composed I thought I was, that I'd be unable to talk on the phone without losing it. So I insisted on text. Two hours and fifteen minutes later, it was over.

He never did accept responsibility for his behavior, stating that he did nothing wrong, and insisting that my tears and questions was not only overreacting, but irrational as well! Again I say

WHAT THE EVER-LIVING FUCK???!!!

It's like my eyes were finally opened, and I realized that he was completely oblivious to the pain he caused, and I was being gaslighted besides. That is a painful truth for me. It took him breaking our agreement for me to finally see the ugly painful truth.

What tears me apart most right now is that I  still love him, but I Love myself more, and I have to do what's best for me and my Household.

My only final thought is that even though it's over, we were able to communicate, and other that that one HUGE whatever (I really don't know what to call it) our relationship was strong, and I feel it was a successful polyamory relationship, and I'm not discouraged from trying again, but right now, I just want to focus on enriching existing relationships with friends and acquaintances and not rush into another relationship. That can wait until my heart and emotions are stronger.

Sometimes It Stays

Sometimes it ends. Other times, it just slowly fades. Whatever happens, there are feelings involved. Polyamory is funny that way.

This has been on my mind quite a bit recently. I don't adjust to changes very well. It's one of the very first things I tell people when we get involved. I even specify what are important things and what are unimportant things. What I expect/need to know, and what is "noise." Depending on my level of involvement, much of it is noise. I go to great lengths to explain what I will give, and what I expect.

I've been witness to a beginning, what appeared to be a fade, but was an ending, and what I call a "true fade" in the past month. I was even exposed to noise, which is something I hate. It seems that late spring/early summer is a hotbed of activity for many relationships. I blame the heat.

This is mostly about my "true fade." Several years ago, I took a submissive under consideration. It was a failure. The consideration period only lasted two weeks before I told him it wasn't going to work. He was bratty, couldn't (or wouldn't) follow simple instructions, and required more energy than I could muster. Both of us have experienced success with others. It was just a bad fit. We didn't love each other less either. Every year, right about this time of the year he calls me.

"Mistress Merry, do you think you could give me a spanking? A really hard one?" I answer yes and we make fluid plans to see one another, and it never happens. He called last night. I won't be available for him until after the 5th. The end of June until the second week of July is tough on me. If you go far back enough in my Journal, or you know me well, you know why. I'm not going to repeat it here. Princess is my true fade. I know that the day will come when he doesn't call, but I know it's not this year. It's not painful. It doesn't hurt. The one that hurts (there's always at least one) was the one that appeared to be a fade, but then ended abruptly due to circumstances neither of us could control. That one gives me all sorts of mixed feelings. Sadness, anger, and a hurt like being punched in the gut. I mourned it for months, even though I was in a happy thriving relationship that carried me through it. Every time I see his (real) name the pain becomes fresh. I yell and cuss when I see it. I still love him but I know he no longer loves me. It's my cross to bear.

I'm facing a difficult relationship decision right now made even more difficult by something I can't control dealing with Shilo. I'm distracted. I don't know how I will decide, but I know that there's too much noise here.

BOOM! It Was Bound To Happen!

It's been a mental week. Meaning, I've had quite a bit on my mind. It started with me letting loose in my Journal. Beginning with "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night."

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/gangbangs-and-other-things-that-go-bump.html

I followed up on it 24 hours later with "Sex Talk (A Continuation of Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night)"

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/sex-talk-continuation-of-other-things.html

In that, I mentioned that I was waiting on Stitch to "do something" (anything?) 24 hours later, he still hadn't said or done anything. I was getting increasingly pissed and I wrote "::Radio Silence::"

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/radio-silence.html

Stitch never reads anything I write, so this is a way to vent. Shilo does read my writing, although I'm sure I confuse him at times. What he does know for sure is that when I'm upset about something, it affects everyone. Kind of like that old saying, "If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy." Well, Momma Ain't Happy. I only managed to feel worse when I was updating my blog on Blogspot here, and I decided to go back and read my earliest entries. Most of them were full of Love and a little uncertainty in how I would do at starting my Poly Household. Those made me smile. There were also quite a few entries where I was struggling because I had no clue how to handle the challenges in front of me. Apparently I spent quite a bit of time crying. It's okay though, because there was growth. Then I read the following paragraph written in December 2013:

I can’t really talk about Shilo’s qualities without mentioning Stitch. It wouldn’t be fair. Stitch is loving and caring and, whatever he does, he means well. He’s always anticipating my next move, and will often go above and beyond what is expected/requested of him, often to his own detriment. It’s endearing and irritating. Shilo, on the other hand, is self-assured, and is a pretty good judge of character. He has a low tolerance for people who whine, and he gets things done right the first time without prompting. Where Stitch guesses, Shilo knows, and if I give him something to do, it will be done right.

It was like someone had poured ice cold water over my head. The reality that I had somehow failed with Stitch. It really bothered me. I decided to write about it in a group I belong to on Fetlife:

We all want to move forward, at least I hope we all would. So what happens when you realize someone isn't progressing but staying stuck?

I decided to update my online journal because I couldn't sleep, and when I finished, I read some entries from a little over 3 years ago. In it, I noticed that my complaints/concerns about someone in my life are STILL the same! It made me feel like a failure when it comes to this. Currently, this item is driving a wedge in our relationship, and I'm feeling a combination of anger, frustration, and sadness. Realizing that nothing I've said or done has made a difference.

EDITED TO CLARIFY:
This is one thing that both myself and another have discussed with this person, and it's a combination of behaviors.

1. This person does what they "think" I want instead of asking what I want. This will often wind up with wasting resources as well as time.

2. When this person is reminded that I didn't tell them to do or get that thing, they get an attitude and often blame me.

3. When I sit down with this person and tell them what I really want from them, they don't put any effort into it and make excuses such as "You looked busy" or "you were asleep" in spite of the fact that they know I'm never "too busy" or "too sleepy" for them.

I clarified more:

It's really simple things, but it's built up over time.

EXAMPLE: I'm a creature of habit. Weekday mornings I handle my own stuff, but on weekends, I like coffee. Sometimes with a small amount of cereal in a bowl with a spoon. I also need a larger empty bowl so my coffee cup doesn't accidentally spill. Shilo has taken it upon himself to pay attention and he knows how I like my coffee, so he will bring it to me the way I like it, but he always asks me if I want the cereal before he brings me anything. He will let me sit for an hour or more and not bring anything until I ask, and that's okay. The other person (who has been around much longer) will bring the cup of coffee with all the ingredients on the side in a tray as soon as I appear awake. I know it sounds wonderful, but sometimes I still have to get to the bathroom or remove a cat from my lap, or I'm just nor ready yet. All I want is for him to ask me if I'm ready for (item) or ask if I want (item) or just wait for me to ask. I mean, I ask for everything else. More recently, I've waken up feeling sick and wanted to throw up. Before I can even get up, this person has coffee and everything else on my lap. The results have been ugly. I appreciate the thought, but I'm constantly having to remind him that if I want him to do something, I'll ask, or if he thinks I want something to ask. The breakfast is just an example.There's a lot more.

On the other hand, there is one and only one thing that I like and have requested that they ask me if I want it. It's a treat for me and them as well, and it's something I won't ask for. They know this. I've made it perfectly clear that this treat is to be offered to me, and if they take things into their own hands, there will be hell to pay. This has been happening way too frequently lately.

I'm just left wondering if it's too hard to ask me. Ask and don't assume. I don't mind being waken up, and I'm never too busy to give either of them what they want. I just get tired of having to remind this other person to wait until I either ask, or they can ask me. Just don't assume.

 
I sat on this for over a day, reading replies from members of the group, but avoiding any confrontation with Stitch. Until it happened yet again Friday after dinner. Stitch was in another room, but we could see each other and I was talking to him about something important. He was replying, so I turned my head and continued. Stitch didn't reply. I turned my head, and he was gone! I got up, and invited him into the living room. He already was displaying that "Don't give a shit" attitude, and it pushed me over the edge. I told him to sit down, and I asked him why he walked away when I was still talking. "I thought you were finished." I said, "That's the problem right there. You thought. I didn't tell you I was finished, and you didn't ask. You just walked away." I went on to finish having the discussion I was having with him, and then Shilo explained that I was so concerned over the item I was discussing because I wanted to make sure we all look nice for an upcoming event. Not an easy task when I've lost 40 pounds, and it looks like Shilo took them from me. We decided to take care of my concerns when we got back from our Saturday errands (today).



With that settled, I went back to my main concern. We no longer have weekly Household meetings, and the only way things are going to improve is if we talk about things. He pushed me over the edge by not listening to my concerns, and getting an attitude when I try to tell him anything, and by anything, he even got pissed when I told him I emptied the dishwasher, and the dishes he was putting away so carefully were dirty. I Love him. I made a commitment to him, and I plan on keeping it, but he needs to work with me.



Honestly, I'm not sure if any of what I said about our relationship got through to him, but I tried. I have always told him in the past when he's done those things that are (probably) unintentionally thoughtless in hopes that repeating the message it might get through to him, and my hope is that he will tell me what is bothering him instead of holding it in. There's still that fucking elephant in the room, but he needs to address it. I gave my best. I gave my all. It's his turn.

::Radio Silence::

I just don't have it in me to care. Not sure if I'm pissed, or hurt, or both.

At least I've been tanning Shilo's hide.

EDITED TO ADD:

I'm not fond of histrionics, but it's awfully tempting.
https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/histrionics

Awake On a Hot Summer Night

I'm laying in bed alone and I can't sleep and all I can think about is how much I long for his touch. Unfortunately for me, he is at work some 25 miles away. This means I'm suffering with no relief in sight. Masturbation is an exercise in futility for me, so I'm stuck laying here just fantasizing about what I want, and knowing I'm not going to get it anytime soon.

Shilo is not only miles away physically, but many many miles away mentally from me. We had a disagreement several days ago, and I'm not sure if he's still quietly stewing, or if he feels like I do. Full of desire,  and ready for anything.  I feel like lately he's just been looking for an excuse to avoid me by arguing or finding something inconsequential to be angry about. It makes me sad that I'm unable to solve this, and pretending that it doesn't hurt because I don't want to react in anger. I keep saying that I want my husband back, but it's almost like I'm speaking a foreign language that he doesn't understand.

I try to convince myself that this is a temporary situation, but I feel like I'm lying to myself so I don't fall apart. I mean, I can only try so hard before I give up and admit defeat. He says he Loves me, but this sure doesn't feel like it.  I feel unwanted, and it really suhus.  This isn't about sex, it's about tenderness and showing Love. I admit that I want sex at this moment, but that feeling is temporary. The desire to feel Loved is what will stay, and what is really missing. The emptiness and loneliness is unbearable.

How can I write a note of Love and desire when I'm so empty? How can I want when I'm surrounded by people who care? I don't have those answers. I just know my desire isy husband and no one else will do.

Calming effect

The simplest things can have a calming effect on me, A hug, a smile, a well-timed phone call, a spanking... As introverted and antisocial as I am, I still need those 'strokes' to get me out of myself. I will often let tiny things take over and destroy me. Yeah, it's personal.

I dissect things constantly. It's my nature to do so. I want to see what's inside of things, especially me. I carefully dissect others, and work hard to put things back exactly as I found them. With myself, I rip and tear with gleeful abandon, forgetting that my duty to myself is to nurture and love myself, because I'm really the only one who can 'fix' me. That last sentence was courtesy of  my damned self-awareness that makes my psychiatrist/therapist so proud of me. (grumbles) Okay, so I'm careful with others, not so much with myself.  I allow my worries and feelings to get the better of me. I panic, I worry, and I go into this awful feeling of self-loathing. Then I drop, and I drop hard.

I wish my understanding all this made it easier on me, but, dammit! It makes it worse. I have miserable, stupid pity parties that manage to confuse everyone around me. "Oh, is that what got you worked up? Why that's nothing!" I want to scream out loud and say "Sure! To you it's nothing, to me, its a fucking disaster!" Fortunately, I learned how to bite my tongue a long time ago. Good thing, too, or I wouldn't have any friends!

So, anyway, I spent a huge portion of my day yesterday in bed feeling sorry for myself, wondering where and how I managed to fuck things up. Yes, I always blame myself. It's just how I am. I finally wrote about it to get it out of my system, and when my head finally hit the pillow about 4 this morning, I was feeling a little better.

When I got out of bed about noon, I had even pretty much resolved that I had overreacted as usual, and that there had to be a logical explanation as to why I didn't get a response.  I mean, I know Spike. He wouldn't just outright ignore a request without good reason or an explanation. Sure enough, when I checked my phone, there was a test from him saying he was fine, and he didn't receive the text I sent him on Friday. Yes, this is good and a relief, but now I'm second-guessing myself, worrying that my emotional overreaction will scare him away. Again, with the tearing myself apart!

it's not Spike's job to reassure me that I'm okay. It's my job to tell myself that this overreacting is a bit much, and I need to relax. Whatever happens, happens. It's not the end of the world. It is whatever it's meant to be, and I have to stop tearing myself apart. Life goes on. Life will go on whether or not I've fucked up, and I have to quit worrying. All worrying will do is make me miserable all over again.

So, yes, I feel better, calmer. Now I just have to relax and not worry about what might happen next.

It's Over...

Yes, it's all over, and, for the first time in a long time, I can breathe a sigh of relief, and not look over my back. 

In the middle of November last year, my sister and myself applied for co-conservatorship of Danny (AKA: Child #4) Because his father (My ex-husband AKA: Deadbeat) was trying to make it difficult for us to handle Danny's medical needs, going so far as to take her off of Danny's record as a contact and telling his neurologist conflicting information.

The piles of paperwork and repeated monthly court dates are over. Deadbeat was told at the last court date by the judge that he could not block it verbally anymore, and that he would have to fill out court papers and file it along with proof that we were unsuitable. Oh, believe me when I say that he managed to smear my name in the mud, filling the ears of anyone who would listen about my lies, laziness and neglect, and my mental health problems. What wasn't outright lies was such an exaggeration of the truth, that it necessitated me submitting copies of every court document, including police reports and a letter from my therapist stating my fitness and ability to handle Danny.

Thank God he knows nothing of my kinks or lifestyle! Oh, nevermind! He mentioned my sister's porn business too. To have our private lives opened like that was unnecessary. The mental and emotional scarring was re-opened. Also, during those 7 months of fighting, Danny was hospitalized 3 times, with a total of 15 days in the hospital. There's a reason I call his father 'Deadbeat.' Not once in all those times did he visit or contribute to hospital or medication/treatment costs. My credit is ruined, and the bills for Danny keeps rising. I will just briefly mention his lack of child support here.

Well, Deadbeat is living proof of my prior stupidity and prior decisions. But let's not dwell on the horrible past. It's not edifying and it causes me much pain. Besides, I can rejoice that this is over, and that's the important part!

Apparently, after that last court date, Deadbeat got all the paperwork and found out the filing fees and decided that he didn't have the time, patience, or money to object. He called last week to inform me that he had a change of heart. My youngest child told my sister that his dad tried to get him and his other brothers to testify against me. Even our oldest child (who all but called me a whore in my own home 2 Christmases ago) wouldn't do it, and Deadbeat realized he was fighting a losing battle.

I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly no angel, but I raised my boys the best I could with no help and was a good example for them. I guess in spite of everything, I raised them right.

So, it's over. I can finally breathe knowing that as Danny's medical and mental condition declines, my sister and I can do whatever we can to keep him happy and comfortable with no interference from his father.

Me and That Damned Saddle!

"Back in the saddle again": Riding the horse you either fell off of, or getting on a horse you've ridden in the past, but not for a long time. Either one is quite an accomplishment, because it takes a certain amount of bravery or foolhardiness to do it. I mean, you just never know. What if the literal or figurative horse bucks, or gets skittish? What if you can no longer find your comfort zone? What if you discover you no longer enjoy riding that horse? So many fears, so many "What ifs."

So, I have this horse... I have a saddle, and I'm getting ready to put the saddle on the horse. I know I'm going to get in that saddle, but there are still questions. Simple ones, like will I just sit and not ride, or will I ride it? How long will I ride it? Will I ride that horse into the sunset?

Yeah, I know I'm getting way too worked up over this horse, but it was a much-loved horse that I enjoyed riding, and it's been a really long time since I rode it. You see, I put that horse out to pasture a long time ago, only to discover recently that this horse was fit for riding again. It's a special, one-of-a-kind horse. A horse of a different color.

I laugh a little when I think of that beloved horse, because it was the smartest horse I ever rode, up until then, and I've ridden other horses since, some that were stubborn as mules, others that were much younger than that horse. But all of the others are gone, save for the smartest horse ever until this point. That one I keep. So I now have the smartest horse ever, and this other horse that is coming in from out of the pasture that used to be the smartest horse, but will now be considered the second smartest one. One did not replace the other, nor will it replace the other. After all, they're horses.

I think that waiting on this horse to arrive is going to be making me crazy. Yee-haw!

A Little Update

I'm breathing a little easier... My much-Loved MIL went through the brain surgery successfully. I don't know/have all the details, but knowing that the hard part is over makes me feel better.

Tomorrow is court for child #4's conservatorship.It needs to be continued, but because his father isn't cooperating, I have to show up to get the new date. I'm not happy about it, but my hands are tied.

In the meantime, Tallship/Sherman moved out, or, rather, he left. His stuff is still here, including his dog, but he's gone, and I guess that's what matters.

There's other stuff, but I'm not into flogging deceased equines.