A Word From Our Sponsor

No, this isn't a commercial, nor have I joined an "Anonymous" group. This is just a break from discussing my health and pain relief. I hope you learn something or at least enjoy it.

I really love so many people, and I feel blessed to be loved by others, whether or not sexuality is involved. Many of the people I love are polyamorous, some are monogamous, and others avoid using a label. I have wonderful people that I consider to be friends, and many others that I haven't met in person that I care about, and even more that I have met and care about. I've even gone so far as to meet people from here that have interested me. I feel enriched by each and every one of them. ALL of you.


Still, I don't get out as often, and, for many of you, it's been months or even years since we were in the same place at the same time. This doesn't mean that I don't think of you or wish you well. In fact, I'd venture to say that I wish we saw each other more often. Circumstances often prevent it. Sometimes distance as well. I already know I can't go to GRUE LA, but I will be there in spirit.


I don't always express my feelings very well, and my social anxiety will often prevent me from expressing them at all. It means that I often miss out on getting to know people better, or even developing friendships. I don't reach out when I should, and people aren't mind readers. If the other person has social anxiety as well, then we both miss out. I can't expect others to come to me either. 


I'm also not very good at asking for help, so for each of you who either helped me in some way or offered help, I want you to know again how much I appreciate you. For the ones who gave me "tough love" I'm glad you did. For anyone who didn't take no as an answer and pushed through to my tender spot and held my hand and reassured me, I'm proud to call you friend.


If I could, I'd hug each and every one of you. Know that you are a blessing in my life, even if we don't agree. There's enough room and love in this world for all of us. I hope every one of you finds your happiness.

With Love,
Merry

About My "About Me" and Consent

This was originally written for my Fetlife blog, but it bears repeating:

Somewhere near the top of my profile, in BIG RED LETTERS is the following:

IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE: I have PTSD, so if you don’t know me personally, please don’t touch me or grab at me without asking. My usual response is “attack mode,” so consider yourself warned.

I put it near the top so most people will see it. What it doesn't say, and shouldn't have to say is that I will occasionally freeze in panic with a "deer in the headlights" look.

Now, before anyone accuses me of overreacting or causing "Drama" I want to say that it's already been handled between myself and the person in question, and that hopefully, it won't ever happen again. A lesson was learned. I'm not angry at the person, he's not a "bad guy" nor is he a "predator." He is someone I respect, and, no, he's not in my circle of friends, but he is a friend of my friends.

So, with all the above, why am I even bringing this up? Well, the fact that I woke up screaming could have something to do with it. I mean, I have a choice: I could allow this to overtake me and continue with the nightmares (that occur all times of the day, including naps) and screaming, or I can write about it in an attempt to 'exorcise' the fears.

"Don't touch me or grab at me without asking." It's easy. "Merry, that's a cool tattoo and scarification." I will probably tell you that you can touch it. The scarification has interesting ridges and it feels good when it's touched. When I engage in negotiations with a sub or bottom, I ask them if there's any body part I cannot touch, and I tell them to ask my permission before handling me.

We're equals, so if we're talking, and you have a pet snake, and I say I'm afraid of your pet snake, you should say, "Don't be afraid, I'll hold it, and you can pet it." WAIT for me to say 'okay' and don't put that snake in my face. I might not react if you put that snake near me, but the chance is good that I'm frozen in fear. Don't ask me later if you violated my consent, because you know you did, and don't ask me why I didn't run away screaming or kick you or said "no". Don't blame the victim! It's your responsibility to ask and wait for permission.

And, in the future, should you unintentionally hurt me or scare me, take me in your arms and comfort me, don't just apologize and go on like nothing happened. The little girl in me (Sunshine) needs to know that she can be safe among friends in a dungeon, and, yes, he started with me, but ended with Sunshine, because she comes 'out' to 'protect' me.

FOR THE RECORD: Snakes don't frighten me, but ask permission anyway.

Surprise!

I Love Shilo. I'm 'in Love' with Shilo. Anyone who knows us will tell you that.My Love for him is hard to explain, but I will also admit that there's a healthy dose of lust that cannot be explained. Perhaps it's because we share so many similar kinks with each other. Maybe it's the incredible sex we have with each other. No, it's not constant, but I'll admit that it's somewhere in the back of my mind... Quite often, in fact. Even (especially) when I have him locked in chastity. Depriving him, depriving myself. It's a beautiful thing.

So, it's day 6 in chastity for him, and about a week since we engaged in sex. He's also (pretty much) gotten away with not providing me my required Daily Orgasm (D.O.) mostly because of schedule conflicts. This is merely a statement of facts. Anyway, I cannot even begin to express how close we are. They say (who are these people anyway?) "Great minds think alike" and it is so with us. I finish his sentences, and I've been known to ask him about things before he has a chance to tell me about them. I mean, he's ready to tell me about some event, and I have no clue, but just as he's about to say it, I'll ask him about it. I amaze him with my ability to 'pick up' on his thoughts and/or emotions. I tease that we're thisclose to each other. However, I'm not a mind reader. If I really was a mind reader, I'd use it in a more constructive way. (Perhaps to make money?) And, although I have a great sense of smell, and he will insist, I'm not a bloodhound either. I just have a 'nose' for certain things, and I won't hesitate to acknowledge it.

Yes, it's also true I can occasionally pick up on the emotions of others. I feel it's more of a curse than a blessing. Feeling the distress of another person can be overwhelming. So, what is this really about? My closeness to Shilo and my ability to be wherever he is without him realizing I'm there. In other words, arriving before him, leaving before he arrives, and coming back as he's there wishing I was around. Our 'six degrees of separation' that has been proven more than once. You know... the crazy scary stuff people don't talk about.

My ability to surprise him. Grabbing a specific spanking implement before he can ask for it. All that stuff I do automatically without him asking, or telling. The 'accidental' stuff. The last thing I want to do is frighten him with my curse. My abilities, because he could run away screaming. Only, well... he won't. He could get lost in my eyes, my arms. He doesn't want to be anywhere that is too far away from me. I can rip him apart. It's not a choice anymore. He would deny it outwardly, but his eyes don't lie. I have a secret. One that Sunshine won't tell him. She can't, but I'll tell it here: I'm not proud of my abilities regarding him. Hell, I'm not proud of my abilities regarding Stitch, either. Don't misunderstand: I'm not ashamed of my abilities either. Knowing what I know, when I know it, understanding my abilities to 'pick up' on emotions. Feeling a Love and desire that is so very strong that neither of us can fight it. It scares me too. But I'm here. I'm not leaving. I promised, and I keep my promises. I need to get dinner started now if I'm going to use the crock pot.