The Envelope Please...

A few days ago, I made an offhand comment about using an envelope with an activity inside for those occasional Tuesday mornings when I'm awake and in a good mood, and Shilo is feeling energetic enough for some "fun" activity.

Much to my chagrin, and Shilo's (no doubt) lack of surprise, it's about 3AM on Tuesday and still no envelopes in sight. I fell asleep on the chair in the living room, and nothing got done.  I should mention that Shilo is probably unaware that I loaded the dishwasher while he slept on Monday afternoon. I'm not seeking 'brownie points' by any means, I'm more interested in rocking his world a little.

Shilo has been locked in chastity for 8 days now (Actually 7 days 10 1/2 hours, but who's counting? Oh yeah! He is!) and I'm pretty sure that when the device went on, he didn't expect it to be on for such a long amount of time. I suffer along with him. I mean, no intercourse for him, means no intercourse with him for me, and I happen to enjoy intercourse with him, so I do 'suffer.'

The tease and denial for him has been horribly cruel, with him removing the device, showering, providing me with a few orgasms via oral stimulation, and allowing him to enter me, thrust for maybe a minute or so (7 thrusts the first day, 15 the next. Yeah, I count) and then re-locking him. I cannot begin to tell you how torturous it's been for me, and I'm sure he feels the same.

Sooo... the (nonexistent) envelopes: I have no time or patience to do them now, but a quick preview should he happen to see this is as follows:

1. Triple treat for me while restrained (or not) until I pass out. This will require a slow build up, backing off, and building back up again. Not an easy task, but I know he's up for it.

2. Shilo unlocking and showering, giving WMS short of an orgasm if possible (I won't stop him, he'll have to stop on his own.) If he manages without an orgasm, he won't get "charged" with time off from chastity for doing so.  if he fails, and has an orgasm, I will add up to another week in chastity for him at my discretion. If he has a 'ruined orgasm,' I will roll a die. Odd: no additional days, Even: Same as if he had a regular orgasm. He will not be told the result.

3. Shilo unlocking and showering, and me orally pleasuring him for 5-10 minutes. (This doesn't usually result in an orgasm for him)

4. Shilo unlocking and showering, and then masturbating while I watch him. Same rules as #2 above if he reaches orgasm.

5. Shilo unlocking and showering, and I hand him a die. if he rolls odd, he can choose from any of the above (more to be added later)  If he rolls even, he locks back up and gives me my regular "Daily O."

So, there it is: The treats, without the envelopes.

The only thing I neglected to mention here is that I will know which option is available on any given week, and he will have the choice of taking the activity or not without knowing which one is offered. Also, after agreeing to the unknown activity, he will roll a die. If it's 1-3, the activity will not happen, if he rolls 4-6, the activity will happen. This way, I also get a little build-up as well.

Goodnight! I'm off to bed!

Shilo

This is written to give him a "heads up," but I'm sure that it might be entertaining for others as well...

Over the past few days, Shilo and I have been discussing BDSM structures, Female Led Domestic Discipline, Relationships, polyamory, and whole bunch of other things. All of them are heavy-duty, and they all relate directly to us, our marriage, our relationship, and our Household. Some things, Shilo has even dared to write in his journal, and a few of his opinions expressed are quite controversial. Still, those are his opinions, and he's allowed to express them. I know he wrote some things to elicit a response from me, and instead, I chose not to respond to those remarks. He wrote some things he feels about our relationship and how he views them. How a person views something and how they are can be two different things. I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing with those things at this point. I'm just putting it out there that I read it and took it all in.

So, what does this really mean? It means that I may or may not agree with his stated opinions, depending on what they are. What he wrote about his views on our relationship has some similarities to how it is for us as I see it, but, again, not all. I will say that his health issues have caused a 'shift' in our relationship, and if you add the fiasco about Sherman to it, you can say that the past 13 or so months have had a HUGE effect on where we are now at this moment. While there have been negative effects, there also have been positive, and the positive outweighs the negative. We're exploring, and with our explorations, we've learned new truths about ourselves and each other. We've broken down much of the "smoke and mirrors" and see some things clearly. Both of us have become strengthened and hurt by these revelations.

What's important to know is that at the end of the day, this all relates to us. My relationship with Shilo. It has  almost no effect on how I am with others. the give and take part is different, but it doesn't make me any less Merry, and it doesn't make him any less Shilo. How we relate and react to each other, not the outside world.

So is there "smoke and mirrors" to others? Do we hide behind a veil? I think all couples do. I mean, how or why we do things isn't always for public consumption. The important thing for you to know is that the spankings and discipline are very real. I am turning his ass that lovely color. The corner time is real. I really do make him sing "Twinkle, twinkle little bat."  My laughter is real. I enjoy all this. I am a Sadist, he is a masochist. We enjoy each other. We Love each other. The chastity is real. He does wear those devices for up to a week or more. The devotion we have to each other is real.

Will I address these things further? Will I give a heartfelt response with my feeling bared for all to see? That's yet to be determined.... But for now...

I heard you Shilo.  I Love you Shilo.

Please allow me the time to take it all in.

Merry

One Week

One week ago on early Friday afternoon, I had Shilo lock up in a chastity device, and I left on a weekend business trip for the Senior Church ladies. Shilo is still locked up, and, as I like to tease him, there's no end in sight.

Yes, I'm depriving myself of intercourse as well. It's a choice, because I know Stitch will happily accommodate me. Let's just say I'm not really in the mood right now for anyone but Shilo, and since I have him locked up, I'll just be doing without for a while longer. It will make the eventual ending all the more pleasurable.

Looking back, I honestly had no idea how Loving and passionate Shilo would be. It was the furthest thing from my thoughts, and I laugh at how naive we both were. He was convinced he was asexual, I was convinced he was asexual, and sex with him really wasn't on my radar with him. Our shared fetish for chastity was all the proof I needed that we would never cross that line. Falling in Love wasn't even on my radar, but the more time we spent with each other, the more I realized that I was in Love with him, and the more he realized he was in Love with me. The more Love I felt for him, the stronger my passion grew, and his grew as well.

Those early days were full of more sex than I could calculate, but I'm sure he's kept count somewhere. Somewhere around 3 weeks into our sexual relationship, I brought up the subject of locking him in chastity. I was a little surprised at his negative reaction, but common sense won out, and he acquiesced. It seems he needed reassurance that I wanted him(!) Yes, I found that surprising, because I thought I had made it abundantly clear to him.

I'm glad that nowadays we've worked it out that he knows I won't deprive him for long, but, other than my trip to Springfield, IL in May, I think it's been a long time since he's been locked up for more than a week. I mean, yes, we've gone more than a week without intercourse for various reasons, but locking him wasn't involved. I'm also pretty sure he could give dates, times etc; but I'll leave it up to his discretion as to whether or not he puts it here.

He's asleep right now. He's been asleep since we arrived home at 5:15 after running errands all day and paying bills. I had hoped we could film tonight and then I could unlock him (I'm really horny) but I guess it'll have to wait. Still wondering if I'll feel like this later/tomorrow. I'm not likely to unlock him unless I want sex and it's practical, simply because he'll have to shower after removing the device because of my metal allergy before we even consider sex. GRRRRR!!!

Looks like masturbation is in my future... LOL I'm just too tired to go through the hassle of trying for sex with Shilo. Goodnight!

Surprise!

I Love Shilo. I'm 'in Love' with Shilo. Anyone who knows us will tell you that.My Love for him is hard to explain, but I will also admit that there's a healthy dose of lust that cannot be explained. Perhaps it's because we share so many similar kinks with each other. Maybe it's the incredible sex we have with each other. No, it's not constant, but I'll admit that it's somewhere in the back of my mind... Quite often, in fact. Even (especially) when I have him locked in chastity. Depriving him, depriving myself. It's a beautiful thing.

So, it's day 6 in chastity for him, and about a week since we engaged in sex. He's also (pretty much) gotten away with not providing me my required Daily Orgasm (D.O.) mostly because of schedule conflicts. This is merely a statement of facts. Anyway, I cannot even begin to express how close we are. They say (who are these people anyway?) "Great minds think alike" and it is so with us. I finish his sentences, and I've been known to ask him about things before he has a chance to tell me about them. I mean, he's ready to tell me about some event, and I have no clue, but just as he's about to say it, I'll ask him about it. I amaze him with my ability to 'pick up' on his thoughts and/or emotions. I tease that we're thisclose to each other. However, I'm not a mind reader. If I really was a mind reader, I'd use it in a more constructive way. (Perhaps to make money?) And, although I have a great sense of smell, and he will insist, I'm not a bloodhound either. I just have a 'nose' for certain things, and I won't hesitate to acknowledge it.

Yes, it's also true I can occasionally pick up on the emotions of others. I feel it's more of a curse than a blessing. Feeling the distress of another person can be overwhelming. So, what is this really about? My closeness to Shilo and my ability to be wherever he is without him realizing I'm there. In other words, arriving before him, leaving before he arrives, and coming back as he's there wishing I was around. Our 'six degrees of separation' that has been proven more than once. You know... the crazy scary stuff people don't talk about.

My ability to surprise him. Grabbing a specific spanking implement before he can ask for it. All that stuff I do automatically without him asking, or telling. The 'accidental' stuff. The last thing I want to do is frighten him with my curse. My abilities, because he could run away screaming. Only, well... he won't. He could get lost in my eyes, my arms. He doesn't want to be anywhere that is too far away from me. I can rip him apart. It's not a choice anymore. He would deny it outwardly, but his eyes don't lie. I have a secret. One that Sunshine won't tell him. She can't, but I'll tell it here: I'm not proud of my abilities regarding him. Hell, I'm not proud of my abilities regarding Stitch, either. Don't misunderstand: I'm not ashamed of my abilities either. Knowing what I know, when I know it, understanding my abilities to 'pick up' on emotions. Feeling a Love and desire that is so very strong that neither of us can fight it. It scares me too. But I'm here. I'm not leaving. I promised, and I keep my promises. I need to get dinner started now if I'm going to use the crock pot.

Of Interest

http://wannabespankee.tumblr.com/post/33971933681/oneyear

I honestly cannot comment without giggling for oh-so-many reasons, most of which have nothing to do with me.

Why?

Why did I lock Shilo in chastity? Or, rather, why did I have Shilo lock himself in chastity? Yes, it's a fetish... I won't deny that. But, but, well, it's a way to deny myself pleasure. If he's locked in chastity, I can't have sex with him. (Well, DUH! Merry!) Only, right now, it's more than that.

Just in case there's a new reader, I'll explain: I enjoy sex with Shilo. Better explained, I Love sex with Shilo. It didn't start that way, but it didn't take long for it to happen. Now that it happened, I think I could engage in intercourse daily, or, maybe even a few times day with him, and I'd still enjoy it. It didn't take him long to learn how to please me. He's pretty much spoiled me for anyone else. That last (previous) sentence sums it up. I'm guilty of silently comparing. I'm too polite to do it out loud, but I catch myself doing it. I want Shilo. I don't want Stitch, or Sherman, or anyone else. I won't turn down Stitch, but he rarely pursues me anyway, and, as for Sherman, he's pretty much decided to be celibate. Not complaining... I'm not particularly interested anyway.

So, back to Shilo's chastity: Due to many reasons (the heat, his indigestion, possibly even his age) Shilo has not been initiating much sex with me lately. Even though I (logically) understand why, there's nagging in the back of my head telling me that I don't turn him on, he doesn't want me, etc; etc. It's really destroying me. It causes me to feel sad and unloved. It sucks!  This isn't his fault, and no amount of logic takes away the bad feelings. I needed a solution, and I needed it fast. The only solution I could think of was for me to put him in chastity, because if he's in chastity, he can't have sex with me. This way, I can blame the chastity, and not all the unreasonable feelings I'm having. The twisted logic causes me to feel just a little bit better.

The bad part of this is that I think maybe Shilo might feel punished, and that is not a desired side effect. Anyway, I think my reasoning is clear. Not Shilo's fault, and shutting out feelings of self-doubt.

Just An Update

Things are working out well with Sherman. He gets along well with both Stitch and Shilo, and Shilo was the one I was most concerned about, because he had only heard tidbits about Sherman up until he moved in here. It's also feeling more "permanent" because we now have his dog here in addition to his belongings.

Sherman has also proven that he knows his way around the kitchen, and has made dinner for us (Stitch and me, Shilo was working) a few times now. He also cooked while Shilo and I were camping last week. It's nice that I don't need to worry about cooking food in advance for Stitch when Shilo and I are gone. Shilo also took his turn in the kitchen this past week, modifying a meal he made before for us and adding cooked linguica, much to my delight. It's nice to know I don't have to make dinner if I'm not feeling up to it.

About the campout last weekend: I know I barely mentioned it a week ago, and not since. Shilo and I arrived about 15 minutes after it was scheduled to start, and he set up the tent with minimal help from me. He seemed to have an attitude that it was his job, so I let him at it, even though my helping would have saved time. We were the first ones to arrive. I got to see people I only see twice a year or less, and I even saw "Z"! I was dancing with delight to see her. She's had some rough times, and she looks so good! I'm very happy and proud for her. In the early morning hours (about 1 or so) I put Shilo on a spanking bench, and hit his ass with a number of implements. Then I went into the tent so I could receive my orgasm. He did a great job, but was unable to get or maintain an erection so we could engage in intercourse. I wasn't mad, but I was disappointed. The next paragraph will explain why.

Engaging in intercourse with Shilo is indescribable. Yes, he refers to it as "the ol' in and out" referencing "A Clockwork Orange" and I just write it as sex, but it's so much more than that. Because of the length, thickness, and shape of his penis, we have to have intercourse in missionary position. Any other position is painful because of what was left after my hysterectomy. He hits my g-spot every time!!! Washing sheets and/or towels is something I do frequently, and I don't mind a bit, because the sex is so good. I say terrible things, scream, and scratch like a tigress in heat. As incredible as it is for me, and as much as he enjoys it, there is one very unfortunate problem: He rarely reaches a climax. My theory is that he spent too many years masturbating, and it is so different from intercourse that he cannot cum from intercourse. Don't get me wrong, he will occasionally hit that point, but not very often.Yes, he says he enjoys sex with me, there's nothing wrong with me, and he even initiates sex on a regular basis. Unfortunately, the inability to get or maintain an erection lately has been problematic. My solution is in the next paragraph.

I don't like calling this a solution, because it solves nothing, but it seems to work in some evil, twisted way... He used to lock up in chastity to prevent masturbation before he got together with me, and, even after that, I used his chastity device in that manner, plus on other occasions as well. I won't answer for him, but, for me, it's a fetish. I enjoy seeing him locked in etc. a full explanation is here and it explains much better than my sleep deprived brain ever could. So, on Sunday, July 6th, at about 3 in the afternoon, Shilo got locked up in his newest device. It's silicone, and he says it's comfortable. I can't explain the psychology behind it, nor can I even explain what it does to him, but it seems to work. Also, we don't see chastity as a "punishment" so it works quite well, Actually, that's a misnomer. It is a punishment, for me, mostly, because, as stated before, I ENJOY sex with him so much. Yes, I can unlock him whenever I want. It's just that lately I've wanted to be pursued, and so I've not made the first move with anyone. I don't recall the last time I had sex with Stitch (maybe sometime in early June?) and Sherman, while he was "approved" for sex several years ago by Stitch, he hasn't gotten tested, and I don't feel necessarily sexual towards him, and he's still getting used to things here, so while he will hold me and kiss me, he hasn't tried anything, and, well, Shilo is locked up, and he hasn't even offered me an orgasm. so, yes, it tortures me more than anyone.

I thought about masturbating a few days ago to take off "the edge" a little bit, but I'm too tired. It's funny: I am in my house, running around nearly naked with three relatively healthy men, amd not one has even tried to initiate sex, or foreplay, or even just doing something to warm me up to them. I'm horny, but I'm not going to ask. Maybe it's a pride thing. I know that Shilo reads this sometimes, but who knows when, or even if he will use this information against me? (Or maybe for me?) I'm fully aware that he has masturbated while wearing a chastity device in the past, so even that can't or won't stop him. In the meantime, I just suffer in silence.

In other news, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm attending a FemDomme party tonight with Shilo. We will actually celebrate my birthday on the 16th at what Sunshine calls "The cotton candy place." Now I must get my weekend started.

Discouraged

I'm not sure how to feel and what to think right now.

Somehow, I'm beginning to realize more and more that maybe I'm too trusting. Love is, without a doubt, blinding. You don't notice stuff that bothers you, and, when you do, you will readily accept the begging for forgiveness, or you'll even overlook all of it. You believe the lies they tell you, and, worse, you lie to yourself.

Long ago, I told him, well, actually warned him, that I have a way of "knowing" things. I look at him, confront him, and he denies it I confront him again, he denies it again, over and over and over. I know that I'm right, that he is lying to me, but after repeated denials, I accept that I must certainly be wrong, that he would never lie to me, and that he is all sweetness and goodness. I keep my accusations to myself, and then, finally, when it’s all done, he confesses that he’s been lying to me about (insert habit here). I ask him why, and he gives me (what I think is) a flimsy excuse. “I’m addicted to the nicotine”, or “I was too embarrassed to tell you” or something else. Honestly, the excuses are a waste of time. What I really want is the truth the first time. Admit it, tell me I’m right, and then we can talk about it. Lying to me only destroys our relationship, tears at our foundation.

STOP IT NOW!

I’m tired of it. The excuses don’t matter. Honestly, I just want to start over, because it’s obvious to me that only one of us is doing the work in this. No, I’m not saying he isn’t working. He does work, very hard, in fact, but he’s not working on being honest, on being transparent. I look back on all I did to try to help him, to assist him and encourage him to do what’s right for him, but I feel I’ve wasted my time and his also.

We spent hours talking on the phone, talking online, and face to face. We poured ourselves out to each other. I did with him what I’ve done to other submissives in the past. I asked him a question: “Shilo, what things are holding you back, what things are in your life that are destroying you?” Now, the previous wasn’t an exact quote, but you get the idea. He told me of two things: his masturbation and his smoking. I told him I would gladly help him with it, and I did. I gave him goals and positive reinforcement. I praised him, rewarded him, even changed my ways of doing things so that it would help him. I didn’t do it for my glory, I did it because, well, because I care about him, I Love him with all my heart, and he was so very unhappy, and I wanted to see him happy.

All I asked for in return was that he keep up his end of it and tell me when he was struggling. I wouldn’t judge him. I’ve caught him doing these two things several times since he supposedly quit. Something I think he doesn’t “get” is that I’m not angry. No, I’m just disappointed. It’s not even because he’s doing those things. It’s because he lies about it. He lied about it to me. I just don’t know what to do about it.

I want the lies to stop. I need someone who is trustworthy. How many more times and ways will he violate my trust in him? Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a major violation, but it is a repeated violation. I can’t seem to get it through to him why it bothers me, and I feel if he really cared about it, he’d be honest with me.

It leaves me asking myself what’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Oh, there are other questions too, ones I’d rather not verbalize. It all just points at my faults and failures. All I want, all I desire is honesty. That, and a good night’s sleep.

Just Around The Corner

Shilo has been battling his fears and depression quite a bit lately. Or, rather, he has given in and surrendered to it. The reasons for the depression are valid, and though I dislike it when he gets like this, I understand why he feels so helpless and hopeless. Him being like this also leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless because he shuts down and shuts me out. Fortunately, he is cooperative on one thing. He will talk to me about what is bothering him, and even though he refuses any BDSM activity and doesn't want sex, he will usually respond to my request to come to me for our morning talk. Keeping in mind that he is bigger and stronger than me, it's nice that he willingly cooperates, because there is no way I could force him to do anything.

Shilo and I started out in my typical BDSM mode: No sexual activity, period! He was in self-imposed chastity and considered himself to be asexual, so I was perfectly happy. When we fell in Love, it was (thankfully) mutual, and our sexual desires for one another was equally mutual. There was never any coercion on either part, and it quickly became apparent that we both enjoyed the activity with each other. Sex is the one aspect where I prefer not to be the sole initiator and I enjoy being the one who is wooed and pursued. Yes, I will sometimes initiate sex, but it's not my preference. I rarely refuse sex with Shilo because it is so pleasurable. I am his cock slut and fuck whore (my words, not his) and I am a Tigress, biting, scratching, and growling the whole time.

Going back to Shilo's mood: I will not initiate sex when he is in one of his moods, and he will not initiate sex either. This leaves me all the more depressed and anxious and needy for emotional support, and it's one of those things that Shilo is unable to provide. I become weepy, he gets more withdrawn. I tend to use sex with Shilo as a "temperature gauge" of our relationship with each other. If we are having problems in our BDSM relationship, but we are still having sex, I see it as a positive thing, and I feel that everything will work out between us. It's a way of communicating without using words, and, unlike most other men, Shilo will not have sex just because it's available. He'd rather be locked in chastity than have sex when he's angry or upset.

I wrote all the above to say this: It looks like a reprieve is just around the corner, because he actually initiated sex on Wednesday morning. It was not forced or fake, and he was enjoying it. Me? Well, I was pretty happy too. I told him earlier that I wanted my husband back, and it looks like he's on his way. Are things better or improved? It's too soon to say, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

On Chastity And Shilo

I don't write about it nearly as much as Shilo does, but part of our agreement early on, was that he would be locked in a chastity device on a regular basis. Let's stop at this while I attempt to explain my/our reasons:

Why Merry Locks Shilo In Chastity

1. To Prevent Masturbation: When I first started out with Shilo, he masturbated chronically, as in almost all day every day (his description, not mine) This disturbed him enough that he would go into self-imposed chastity on a regular basis.

2. It's A Fetish: There's something about"Doing Everything But" that I can't quite explain: It's the classic making out like a pair of teenagers, wanting to have sex so badly you can taste it, but knowing you can't go any further because he's locked up.

3. Tupperware: Tupperware? It "locks in" freshness. His penis is no longer his. It's mine. When I go away on overnight (or longer) trips without him, I lock him up to keep my penis "fresh" AKA: Ready for me and my uses.The penis locked up the cage is mine, and is to be used for my pleasure only. I don't want any man or woman to get the idea that they can touch it or play with it. It's like a huge "No Trespassing" sign.

4. It Keeps Others At Bay: If you were to go to a party and saw someone shackled, I'm sure you wouldn't try to make casual conversation with them, would you? Even if you did, it's doubtful you would take that person home with you, or anywhere else, for that matter, without finding out why the person was shackled. It's the same for me. He is locked in chastity, so you know that his penis is off limits for you.

Disclaimers

 

1.Keep in mind that this is my relationship with Shilo. Personally, I really don't care about masturbation, and I've been known to encourage it more often than not with others in the past.

2. Again, this is my opinion. Shilo's fetish regarding this is very different than mine. Let me also note that, yes, I have the key, the removal device for his chastity lock, but I will often choose not to use it.

3. Let me say here that I trust Shilo not to stray. He doesn't need it on to ensure that he remains faithful to me, but it goes back to reason #1. No masturbation, but it also goes to reason #4.

4. Not everyone is respectful of limits. Because I know that, I have Shilo locked when he goes to events without me or I'm away. I trust Shilo, but I can't necessarily trust others. Having him locked prevents that worry, at least a little bit. Yes, there are ways around chastity devices, but, honestly, why go through the trouble when you can always finfd someone else?

Shilo's Reasons

Let me add here that Shilo's reasons, while they might be similar to mine, they aren't the same. He has a laundry list of reasons that are different than mine, and you can look at his many blogs or just ask him yourself. He's usually more than happy to explain.

Finally, something to note:

Polyamory And Chastity: Not Necessarily Cuckolding!

I am polyamorous. The quick and dirty version is that I have many loves, or, more than one person I Love. I am not monogamous. I've been with Stitch for 10 years, I've only known of Shilo for a little over a year, and I married him 8 months ago, so Shilo is the "new" relationship here. Therefore, even though I have Shilo locked up, and I am having sex with Stitch or meeting with other men or women, I am not cuckolding him or cheating on him. He wouldn't even have the right to complain or say it, because from the very beginning, even BEFORE we even had our first play experience in a dungeon, I told him about Stitch and polyamory.

I know that there are some who would argue, use semantics, etc; but it won't work in this case. Shilo is not a cuckold. Never has been, never wil.

Why This Came Up

Shilo and I discussed his chastity and chastity devices last night, and I will be placing him in a device very soon. Unfortunately, because of my metal allergies, he will need to get (yet another) device, so if I choose to unlock him for sex, he will not need to make me wait while he prepares himself by preparing his penis and removing the microscopic metal flakes that cause my body to swell... Now, off to start my day!

His Desires

This was intended for my private (blogger) journal only, and not FetLife, but I decided that this needs a (slightly) bigger audience. This requires that I give a (not so) brief explanation. If you want, skip to the next paragraph. I was in a polyamorous relationship with my ex-husband, Stitch, when I first saw Shilo in late March. At that point, he was still D---- and it was his very first time at my favorite dungeon, and he was there to meet someone. He caught my attention that night, and I wasn't looking. He was kind of pretty with his long blonde hair, and he was obviously feeling out of place, but I had other things planned that night, so I went on with my play date, and occasionally saw him sitting near the back. I caught a glimpse of the chastity device he was wearing, and that further caught my attention. The next day, I found a post by him on one of the groups I belong to, and when I read it and his profile, I sent him a short note. I had already decided that he needed encouragement to go to public play parties, and that I could be friendly towards him, but that I would not play with him, because he was a smoker. To say I detest cigarettes is an understatement. My sincere hope was that he'd keep coming around, and that he would find someone nice to play with. We kept up with back and forth messaging, and, whenever I saw him, I'd greet him with a hug, and briefly speak to him. I could tell by our interactions that he was not very successful in actually meeting anyone that was even remotely interested in playing with him beyond just one time, and I could tell by his pictures that he was a heavy bottom. I also noticed that whenever I saw him and got near him that he didn't smell like a heavy cigarette smoker, so I took my chances, and invited him to join me at a party and play with me. I figured I needed a reliable play partner, and he needed someone to play with too. I told him we'd start off with a short session, and if he managed to entertain me, we'd go longer, and if I was happy at the end of the night, I'd play with him at every party. Well, he proved himself well, and at the end of the night, I invited him to join us for a late night snack, thinking (hoping) he would refuse. I mean, it's one thing to play at a dungeon, but completely different to actually have to talk to them. I recall apologizing profusely to Stitch, and him reassuring me that it would be okay. Stitch was right. It was okay, and I realized that he was okay. We even set up another date, and in September, I married Shilo. We are now a happy poly family.

Most of us are full of desires, and not all of them are easy, but I want to share Shilo's desires right now, because they are so simple, and yet, they are also difficult. The items I'll be explaining might seem like Shilo is a "do-me" slave, but he is not. Most of the desires listed were more of a self-improvement nature, and if I could help him become a better man, why not give a guiding hand in making these things happen? Shilo's first desire was to find someone, preferably a woman, who would Dominate him, and discipline him, and give him spankings on a regular basis. I came along, and that desire was fulfilled. He would obsessively masturbate (the reason he had on the chastity device when I first saw him) so he asked for guidance/help to stop. I gave him the help he needed with that. He also desired a BDSM contract, but he felt my initial one wasn't restrictive enough, so I gave him a very restrictive slave contract. I realized that his desire for more restrictions had to do with a fear of being dumped by me, and he needed a sense of "permanency" so I gave it to him. Later, when he realized/admitted to me that he was in Love with me (something neither of us expected) he decided that he wanted to quit smoking. I stated restricting his daily cigarette intake, and he used e-cigs to help with the nicotine. It was the smell and effect of the cigarettes on the lungs that he was concerned with. He wanted to straighten out his living area. That was a difficult task, but us getting married and moving to a house pretty well fixed that. Those were her biggest desires, the ones that seemed so hard, and yet, with lots of encouragement and Love, he was successful in meeting those desires and goals. Yes, he briefly backslid on two of those things, but he is back on track now.

But now comes two of his more simple desires. One was to have a "strict wife" that would use domestic discipline and lock him in chastity for her enjoyment. I wasn't sure if I was up for all it entailed, but I'm discovering that it is something I'm enjoying more as time goes on. I think he occasionally gets the understanding of "Be careful what you you wish for" He often resists, but I know that deep inside, he is very happy with it. The other desire, the one I think he desires most is to actually cry during a discipline session. It's easy for most people, but not Shilo. I really couldn't figure out why. I mean, we've had some really intense sessions, and yet, not a tear has been shed. Nothing I did caused more than a grunt, groan or gasp. It was frustrating for me, because I was able to help with all those difficult, almost insurmountable things, and I couldn't get this grown man to cry? I'm not bragging, but getting grown men to cry was easy. Effortless, even, but not Shilo. Recently, however, a light went on, and now I understand. I'm sharing this, because it might help someone else. Over the past two weeks, we have had some problems. Ugly problems. The kind of stuff that will tear apart even the best relationships. Only... well, only I have a really strict moral code, and I rarely make promises. By that, I mean, I'm not likely to say, "I promise (whatever)" I just don't do it because a promise is a HUGE thing for me. Well, I promised Shilo that I wouldn't just give up on him. I promised that I'd try to work things out with him no matter what happened, and that leaving was not an option. Like I said, things had gotten ugly, and I was at the end of my emotional rope. I had given everything and it wasn't good enough. He was unable (unwilling?) to see that he had ripped me open and gutted me, and that I needed some compassion. I'm human, and I need Love too. It was at that point, where I was sobbing, that the light went on. He is unable to truly empathize with others when it comes to sorrow or sadness. Love? He has it down pat, but emotional pain? It's blocked. I finally realized why, and it's a very personal reason, but he associated it with a weakness, and he essentially built a wall around himself. He "shuts down" and is unable to feel, and I finally saw his insensitivity to my pain, even after I explained it to him. I could see that he was trying so very hard to understand, but he had no reference point. I remembered a conversation I had with his mom when we visited his parents last week, and I finally understood why. Now comes the hard part. I confronted him. Not in an accusing way, but in a compassionate way. I told him what he needed to hear. He's not going to cry. Not until he learns that it's okay to feel sadness, sorrow and anguish and that expressing it is not a sign of weakness, but strength. Only he can open those floodgates, but he needs to be aware that it's okay to do so. For now though, I will wait patiently.

Weekend Report

I'll start with Halloween. It was a too-busy day, and emotionally exhausting, mostly because my new medical insurance (through Shilo's employer) is different than what I'm used to (Kaiser). This is a double-edged sword. The advantage is that my new doctor can order more intensive tests (Diagnostic mammogram and sonogram of the breasts) without doing preliminary tests (routine mammogram), but the disadvantage is that the insurance company has to approve it, and that takes time. In a way, it adds to my stress level, and I finally got the approval, only to find out that the doctor put the wrong code for the test ordered. This means I will have to wait longer to get the test done. The person at the Radiology center was very nice and told me I'd need copies of my last mammogram, so I've put it on my to-do list. I spent the afternoon in a depression induced sleep. Stitch neglected to wake me, and I overslept to the point that I didn't eat till after 10PM. Oh, and 2 trick-or-treaters.

November 1 was overwhelming as well. I realized that I forgot to take both Shilo and Stitch's suits to the dry cleaners, and we had a funeral to attend on the 2nd. We (Shilo and I) rushed off to the dry cleaners and dropped off the suits, then we went to see my regular piercer to get both nipple piercings removed and also my tongue piercing. (just in case I wind up needing general anesthesia) We arrived before the piercing studio was open, so we ate breakfast at a nearby restaurant. The food and service was amazing! I've decided to add it to my list of places to eat.... Anyway, once we finished, we walked to the piercing studio, only to find out that my piercer was off, and his replacement was there. I have issues/problems with being touched by people I don't know well, and John (my regular piercer) has a way of helping me through difficult procedures. I left a note for John, and we went on to do my banking and some shopping for curtains. We were not successful in finding curtains, but at least we tried. I napped more (still depressed) and after Shilo left for work, Stitch accompanied me to the store so I could buy a loaf of fresh bakery bread (a special treat) I somehow managed to have a disagreement with Shilo (not really a surprise, considering my ongoing SAD that causes horrible bouts of depression) and spent most of my sleepless night explaining myself to him. By the time I went to bed (4AM?) we were back on track with each other (Thank goodness!)

November 2nd (yesterday) started off with the three of us attending a funeral for a young Dominant that Stitch and I first met nearly 2 years ago. It was heartbreaking for me in so many ways. The knowledge that he was only 35, and had a chronic illness (CF) that would eventually kill him didn't soften the blow, and seeing so many young people was almost more than I could take. I got up and said a few words, and found myself choking back tears.  Later, in the women's restroom, I wound up holding a young girl and wiping away her tears. When it was time to leave, I drove home, knowing what was in store for me. When we got home, I changed my clothes, called John, and made arrangements to see him in an hour. Stitch stayed home, and Shilo griped about having to go with me, until he remembered his promise to be with me in case I was too out of sorts after the visit. John was happy to see me, but was hoping to see Stitch too. I told him I'd have Stitch next time. The first piercing to be removed was my 6g tongue piercing, followed by both of my 2g nipple piercings. I was sad, but silent. My nipples bled in protest, so band-aids were applied. Once more, I napped the rest of the day away, and then woke up about 5PM so we could get ready for a birthday costume party. We arrived at 8 and left around 11. I was in bed with Shilo just before midnight. I unlocked Shilo's chastity device and rode him for maybe 2 minutes. He said he was tired, so I stopped, and he said we could try later. I fell asleep quickly.

Turns out we were both tired, and we woke up this morning without making time for sex. We rushed to get ready for church, leaving Stitch home(he didn't want to go to church) to take care of the animals, and prepare the kitchen for painting. Did I mention our house is in Long Beach, and Shilo's church is in Burbank? It's worth the drive... I enjoy the services, as does Sunshine, and it was Sunshine who drove and went to church. I have a few flashes of memory from the Service,  but I came back out as we parked near the restaurant for lunch. I'm trying to take care of my health, and follow a reasonable diet, avoiding sugar due to my recent diagnosis of diabetes. I ordered a high protein meal, but there was so much food on the plate that I only managed to eat half of the food. After eating and using the bathroom 2 or 3 times (look up polydipsia and polyuria. Damn diabetes!) I changed my clothes, and we went to a carnival-type event at a local dungeon. I had some professional photos taken of me with Shilo, and Shilo got whipped in a whipping booth. We also spoke to LOTS of people, and I was fortunate enough to run into Daddy W and I probably spent a good hour with him, updating him on everything. It was about 4:30PM when I decided that I'd had enough of people, so we went to a local Denny's for coffee etc. I had to drive him to work afterwards, so Shilo and I had lots of time to talk about things, and I was able to discuss some concerns that I had been thinking about for quite a while, but was reluctant to bring up because I didn't want to "rock the boat." I actually prefaced the discussion by telling him that we needed to talk about a concern/worry of mine, and that I was worried that I might sound insensitive, but that I was hoping he'd understand that I wasn't being intentionally insensitive, it was just that I didn't know how to talk about the subject. He said he understood, and I expressed my feelings and fears, and why I was feeling the way I did. It was a healing talk, and I felt better afterwards, because he seemed to actually understand why I was afraid, and that my fears and concerns weren't unrealistic, but based on facts. It could have easily resulted in an ugly argument with each of us blaming the other, but, instead, he was agreeing that a solution was necessary, and he even reassured me that we would work on this together. I dropped Shilo off at work, and came home to an amazingly clean kitchen.

So, all in all, even though there was a lot of difficult moments, I'd have to say that I feel very much Loved and supported. On tap for this week: A visit to Kaiser to get my medical records an tests transferred, and a 5 day visit with the in-laws in MS.

Chastity, Cuckolding, and Other Such Things

I didn't start out with an interest in cuckolding, rather, it was a male submissive that brought it to the forefront about 2 years ago. He was a cuckold, and his wife decided that she was 'tired' of the 'hassle' that was involved with keeping him wanting more. Unfortunately, he wouldn't/couldn't give me the time that I expected of him. It was doomed, but it reawakened my interest in male chastity.

My interest in chastity started in 2007, about 3 years after I was the victim of a violent crime. It was in those early searches that I discovered male chastity groups, and, because of my honesty, and my voiced desire to actually go into chastity myself,  a few of the men took up my cause, and allowed me into their online group. I asked LOTS of questions, and they answered, and when work began on my chastity piercing, they cheered me on. From June, 2008 until January 2009, I endured 22 piercings (11 on each side) in my outer labia so I could get locked up. While it was not fun or pleasant, it was a Rite of Passage, and I grew from it. Unfortunately, I developed problems with the jewelry shifting, and one of the piercings rejecting, so in March, 2009, I had all 22 piercings redone. Did I mention that it was not fun? The pain and blood loss I endured gave me an inner strength that I still cannot explain to this day. By May, 2009, I noticed the shifting yet again, so I tearfully removed all my jewelry and gave up on ever being in chastity myself. I still have strange scarring where the piercings were. There are pictures floating about on the internet, but good luck finding them.

Anyway, during that time, I learned quite a bit about submissive males in chastity. I never expected it to become an interest of mine, and once I gave up on my chastity hopes, I stopped frequenting those groups. Then, with the cuckolded submissive, chastity was once more brought to the forefront. I occasionally would run into male submissives with chastity desires or cuckolding desires, but what bothered me about most of them is that they wanted penis humiliation. Then there were "bulls" who would often message me, offering to 'satisfy' me. WTF???!!! Not what I had in mind!

So, what exactly did I want? I wanted a male submissive who enjoyed (at least some of the time) being locked in chastity that didn't need or want penis size humiliation. My objection to penis humiliation has a lot to do with my ex-husband, the father of my children... He has a very small penis. In fact, there is only one other male I ever had sex with that had a smaller penis than him, and I'd really rather not get into those details. Suffice to say that I would not be able to do so with a straight face. When Shilo first showed up on my radar in March, 2013 I wasn't about to have anything to do with him. He had too many things about him that I found objectionable. The biggest one being his smoking. It wasn't until I read his blogs that he found favor (or was it pity?) in my eyes. He enjoyed all types of spankings, and he was going from person to person in search of "The One" a person who would win his heart (and ass) and he even went so far as to pay for the 'privilege' of being spanked by a pro-domme. I began to realize that I could fill his needs for a spanking, and my desire for a regular play partner that would contentedly stay by my side at parties and events. I offered to play with him at an upcoming party in June, 2013 and I maintained low expectations. His interest in chastity was also a contributing factor in that decision.

As anyone reading this knows, it all went very well, and we are not only in Love, but also happily married. I even put him in chastity on occasion. Now, his original desire for chastity was so he wouldn't masturbate, but he stopped when we both voiced a sexual interest in each other. Nowadays, I lock him for tease and denial, and, while he has a love/hate relationship with chastity, it mostly has to do with his own (often irrational) fears.  None of which he can actually voice. I want him, I desire him, I Love him! What really has him scared? I'm not sure. I can't reassure him about his fears because he's not exactly sure what has him bothered in the first place. All I can do is tell him the truth. I Love him, I enjoy sex with him, he pleases me in ways I never imagined, and, lastly, when I think about sex, the sex is with him, and him only. What more can he want?