Dominas
everywhere, show us your power and take over Fetlife,... and dedicate
it around or to the best womanly representation of Strength you can
find.
Yes,
I removed a large portion of that sentence, but WTF???!!! Here
was my answer, and I'm sharing it because I need to see my own words
to remind myself:
My
opinion (and only my opinion) is that the beauty of a woman's
strength is that it doesn't need a display. Why do we "need"
to show it and put it on display? It just 'is', and as such, requires
no show or depiction. I'm my strongest when I appear to be vulnerable
to others. Being able to share my ugly and less-than-stellar moments
are a huge part of my strength. Apologizing when I'm wrong and
admitting it shows my strength. Being unafraid to share my failures
and take responsibility for them shows my strength. Taking ridicule
from others who can't possibly fathom my situation shows my strength.
Allowing myself to cry and having Shilo (or Stitch, or both of them)
hold me as I do so shows my strength. I don't have to wear my boots,
or crack a whip, or wield a cane to prove myself as a Dominant. I
don't have to yell or be loud or act rude to be Dominant either. Many
times it's a mere whisper that shows my Dominance. A "please"
or "thank you", or even my politest sounding orders show
it.
Don't
call me Domina, or Goddess,or any other feminine sounding title. I
don't need it. Just call me Merry, and stop looking so hard. I'm
right here in plain sight, and I don't want or need your rally cry to
show myself. I'd rather just sit quietly and smile as I observe
others go to ridiculous lengths to 'prove' themselves.
No, this isn't a commercial, nor have I joined an
"Anonymous" group. This is just a break from discussing my health and
pain relief. I hope you learn something or at least enjoy it.
I really love so many people, and I feel blessed to be loved by
others, whether or not sexuality is involved. Many of the people I love
are polyamorous, some are monogamous, and others avoid using a label. I
have wonderful people that I consider to be friends, and many others
that I haven't met in person that I care about, and even more that I
have met and care about. I've even gone so far as to meet people from
here that have interested me. I feel enriched by each and every one of
them. ALL of you.
Still, I don't get out as often, and, for many of you, it's been months or even years
since we were in the same place at the same time. This doesn't mean
that I don't think of you or wish you well. In fact, I'd venture to say
that I wish we saw each other more often. Circumstances often prevent
it. Sometimes distance as well. I already know I can't go to GRUE LA,
but I will be there in spirit.
I don't always express my feelings very well, and my social anxiety
will often prevent me from expressing them at all. It means that I often
miss out on getting to know people better, or even developing
friendships. I don't reach out when I should, and people aren't mind
readers. If the other person has social anxiety as well, then we both
miss out. I can't expect others to come to me either.
I'm also not very good at asking for help, so for each of you who
either helped me in some way or offered help, I want you to know again
how much I appreciate you. For the ones who gave me "tough love" I'm
glad you did. For anyone who didn't take no as an answer and pushed
through to my tender spot and held my hand and reassured me, I'm proud
to call you friend.
If I could, I'd hug each and every one of you. Know that you are a
blessing in my life, even if we don't agree. There's enough room and
love in this world for all of us. I hope every one of you finds your
happiness.
If you are offended by Religion (in general) what happens to a body
when someone dies, terrorists (in general). Love or loss of body
function, please leave now. I got nothing for you.
It was bound to happen eventually. Using edibles for pain requires
trial and error. My morning routine of starting with breakfast and a
sour strawberry straw was only working until about 3PM, and then I would
eat a cola bottle to get me through the rest of the day, and it wasn't
quite working. I was debating this yesterday when I woke up. I figured
I'd see how I did with two sour strawberry straws (about 36mg) and go
from there.
I got my edible bag (a purse that has my edibles in it) and noticed a
caramel fudge that was 35 mg. I decided to eat it. I mean, what harm
could there be? I put the sour strawberry straws away, and ate the
caramel fudge instead. It tasted good. I played games on my phone
waiting for it to work.
About an hour later, it happened. My vision got blurry, my body got
warm, and my face was numb. The warmth kept washing over me, and my
heartbeat skyrocketed. I thought I was going to die. I know
that I'd have to consume more than I could possibly eat to actually
overdose, and even then, it wouldn't kill me. I even knew it at that
point, but my heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid.
I remember saying that I didn't want to die yet because I want to see
my (overdue) grandson first. I put on my CPAP to help me breathe, and
then I asked Shilo what would happen if I stopped breathing. Then I said
"Nevermind, my lungs will just fill with air and then explode in my
chest cavity." Then I went on about how when I died my mouth would pop
open, so the air would rush out through it, and how it was a good thing I
had on a diaper because I didn't want to piss and shit on the recliner
and ruin it.
Then the inquisition started. The best way to explain it was that
questions formed in my head about my life, and I had to answer out loud.
I said That I believe in God, and I explained my belief regarding The
Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I explained that I also believe that Satan
is as real as God is, and that I believe in Heaven and hell. I asked
about purgatory, and I said that I feel earth is purgatory, but I wasn't
sure. I didn't get an answer.
I was asked about love. Could I feel enough love for everyone? Could I
really forgive everyone, and find love in my heart for them? I found
the forgiveness for everyone, including myself. Then I told them that
since my Mom could do it, I could too. I even went on to say that I knew
(person) asked forgiveness for the mean way she acted towards me, so I
could forgive her and love her as well. I said that everyone who died
before me had gone through this, and I knew it was the only right thing
to do. I let go of my anger.
I saw where I held certain people to a standard that I have only
recently reached myself. How dare I be angry at Jonathan's (now-ex)
girlfriend for what she did, when I've done things I'm not proud of
either? I remembered all the things I did and I explained why I did
them, and how I could have handled it better.
I discussed that I realized how fortunate I was to be where I am.
Soldiers aren't gunning down people in the street, and we aren't being
bombed. Girls aren't being forced to marry and have kids before they're
12.
I asked Shilo what time it was, and was surprised it had only been 10 minutes. It felt like HOURS.
I went back to the inquisition. I said "God knows I'm not perfect." and
then I laughed, because for all I knew, it was God asking the
questions.
I talked about my mental health, and how I hated being treated like I
was fragile just because of the depression, PTSD et.al. I hate that
there is a stigma. Why not just accept the mental illness? See the whole
person. Don't be afraid.
I talked about my fears. I realized I was less afraid by telling my
fears. It got to the point I laughed after saying the words "I'm
afraid." The truth is that because I believe on God, God watches over
me, so I don't have to be afraid.
I talked about prayer and I explained that I felt it must be like being an "A list" celebrity. Everyone
wants a piece of you. You have no privacy. All the millions of
requests coming in at once. Why should I bother God with my concerns
when there are so many people who are suffering more than me?
I was reminded that I need to stop being so selfish. "See the big picture, think globally." How do my actions affect others?
I talked about Osama bin Ladin,terrorists, ISIS, and people in other
hate groups. How we all had different world views and that just because I
viewed him as a horrible human being (just like Hitler) it didn't mean
that everyone saw him like that. Surely, someone must have loved and
admired him, and maybe even saw him as a hero. I talked about criminals
in general and how I have no sympathy for them. They deserve punishment,
but I also admitted that God is the Judge, not me.
I talked about "lizard-face" (Mohamed Atta) and how to me, he
represented all that was evil on this world. I talked about "If you see
something, say something" and how ridiculous it was. I joked about how I
doubted he would have tweeted his plans, or added it as a status on
Facebook or MySpace. I speculated that he probably only discussed it
with people who would approve. Otherwise, wouldn't his plans have been
thwarted? Never learning how to land a plane is a red flag.
I talked about romantic/sexual Love, desire, BDSM and Polyamory.
About what my love style is, and how it came to be. Things I know God
knows about me, but I was told to talk about it.
I asked about why submissive men worry so much about what they're
wearing to a dungeon when it won't even be worn that long before someone
takes it off. I never got any answers to my questions, but I got
answers about what makes me me, and I saw all the love I really do have,
and how easy forgiveness is when you know that everyone will get to go
through it. It's easy to forgive when you know they asked for
forgiveness with a pure heart, and knowing that if their heart wasn't
pure, it was up to God. What mattered at that moment was the purity of
my heart.
Sunshine came out a few times and complained that she was sick. I
went through so many feelings, but late last night when I finally felt
somewhat normal, I realized that having enough love in my heart for
everyone, and forgiving them was important. Even more important, I need
to forgive myself. Think globally. That was the message I got from my
inquisition.
On a more practical note, I learned that I need to only eat predictable things.
