The chain of Shilo's collar broke right about the time things got crazy in our relationship almost two weeks ago. I told him not to worry about it, knowing that our BDSM relationship has gone out the window as of late, and, while our marriage is doing okay, he's not really been where he should be otherwise. He insisted on putting the tags on another chain, which somehow broke yesterday. The tags have gone missing. In the meantime, tomorrow is one year since the very first time we played together in a dungeon. It's pretty special.
About the collar: I'm upset at the poor quality of it, and I can guarantee I'll never buy anything wearable from there again. As for the disappearance, I feel that everything happens for a reason, and, while I truly Love Shilo, I don't feel he's been acting worthy of the collar. I know he will get momentarily upset by this, but then his cool logic will set in, and he will agree with my assessment. This brings me to something else: Do I feel that the BDSM aspect of our relationship is over? The short answer is "No." The long answer is "HELL NO!" because we both have that desire deep inside of us, and to cut it out of our lives completely for any length of time would be foolish. I think of this time as a time of reflection, to regroup, and to renegotiate our BDSM relationship. In the meantime, I still have his play collar available if we decide to play. The 15th will mark the one year anniversary since our first contract, so maybe by then we will have made some decisions about what we will do, and where we are going.
In the meantime, I hope Shilo uses this time to think about his desires regarding the BDSM aspect of our relationship, and we can both use our "off time" to improve other aspects of our relationship that need some attention.
AS you know, we found the tags.
ReplyDeleteI did not get even momentarily upset...I agree, I have not been acting worth of wearing your collar.
I do feel the desire for BDSM, but I don't feel 'deserving' of it, if that makes any kind of sense.
Kind of like, getting to play with BDSM has been a reward for good behavior, and I certainly have not been on good behavior, lately.
I've almost regressed to where I was, oh, a year and a half or two years ago, too repressed and too ashamed of my kinky desires to admit them, to let them out and give them any semblance of reality.
I still get aroused, somewhat, maybe a little turned on, thinking about BDSM play; I enjoy looking at images and videos of such for the same reason; but putting myself in a position of engaging in it for real: I just don't wanna.
Shilo, I think much of this has to do with your current depression. Your behavior being how it is, and your lack of interest in participating in actual BDSM activity is proof of that. Unfortunately, I am unable to “fix” this, mostly because it is a “choice” thing. You have the ability, you have the choice, you choose not to.
ReplyDeleteI think what you don’t see is that you are what you are, whether or not you choose to participate. I’m still Mistress Merry, you are still my submissive/slave Shilo. Just because you choose not to participate, it doesn’t change who you are inside. Your desire to serve is still there. The more vanilla we act, the more I see in your eyes that you don’t really like it. By “it” I mean the trappings of a traditional husband/wife role we take.
Desire is a strange thing; It waxes and wanes like the moon, and, just like the moon, we rely on what we see, but, in all honesty, the moon never changes its substance. It’s still the moon, still whole, and yet we view it differently because of our perspective. You are still whole, you are still deserving, but you need to see yourself the way the moon really is. Until you do that, you are hurting only yourself, and you will suffer. This doesn’t punish me nearly as much as it punishes you.
Which brings me to something else you need to consider: Do you feel that I should be punished or suffer for some reason that you haven’t discussed with me? By holding yourself back, you deny me pleasure. Is that your intent also? Don’t answer quickly. Meditate on it. Think about it, and then reply with your heart.
This is easy: I don't need to think about it.
ReplyDeleteI have no reason ..no desire , on heaven, on earth, in flesh or spirit, to want you punished or to suffer.
Bear in mind, by MY way of thinking, my denying you pleasure is NOT equivalent to punishing you or making you suffer. You are capable of acquiring pleasure from a myriad of ways other than what I can give you.
My intent is NOT to deny you. That is a secondary result.
The primary ..is ME, and how I am feeling.
I don't feel like I'm self-punishing, or suffering.
I am ...simply numb.... and that's how I need it to be ... right now.
We know I can get what I want elsewhere. That's not the point. The point is that you know I want you, I want it from you. There is a special connection I have with you, something I can't get from anyone else. Surely, you see that.
ReplyDelete