Just Around The Corner

Shilo has been battling his fears and depression quite a bit lately. Or, rather, he has given in and surrendered to it. The reasons for the depression are valid, and though I dislike it when he gets like this, I understand why he feels so helpless and hopeless. Him being like this also leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless because he shuts down and shuts me out. Fortunately, he is cooperative on one thing. He will talk to me about what is bothering him, and even though he refuses any BDSM activity and doesn't want sex, he will usually respond to my request to come to me for our morning talk. Keeping in mind that he is bigger and stronger than me, it's nice that he willingly cooperates, because there is no way I could force him to do anything.

Shilo and I started out in my typical BDSM mode: No sexual activity, period! He was in self-imposed chastity and considered himself to be asexual, so I was perfectly happy. When we fell in Love, it was (thankfully) mutual, and our sexual desires for one another was equally mutual. There was never any coercion on either part, and it quickly became apparent that we both enjoyed the activity with each other. Sex is the one aspect where I prefer not to be the sole initiator and I enjoy being the one who is wooed and pursued. Yes, I will sometimes initiate sex, but it's not my preference. I rarely refuse sex with Shilo because it is so pleasurable. I am his cock slut and fuck whore (my words, not his) and I am a Tigress, biting, scratching, and growling the whole time.

Going back to Shilo's mood: I will not initiate sex when he is in one of his moods, and he will not initiate sex either. This leaves me all the more depressed and anxious and needy for emotional support, and it's one of those things that Shilo is unable to provide. I become weepy, he gets more withdrawn. I tend to use sex with Shilo as a "temperature gauge" of our relationship with each other. If we are having problems in our BDSM relationship, but we are still having sex, I see it as a positive thing, and I feel that everything will work out between us. It's a way of communicating without using words, and, unlike most other men, Shilo will not have sex just because it's available. He'd rather be locked in chastity than have sex when he's angry or upset.

I wrote all the above to say this: It looks like a reprieve is just around the corner, because he actually initiated sex on Wednesday morning. It was not forced or fake, and he was enjoying it. Me? Well, I was pretty happy too. I told him earlier that I wanted my husband back, and it looks like he's on his way. Are things better or improved? It's too soon to say, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.