Monday, May 25, 2015

A Full Heart

Soo...What prompted this? Oh, a little of everything.

Sometimes we feel like we're alone, but we aren't. Sometimes we feel like we've been left in the cold and the dark, and we will huddle together with those closest to us and cry out for relief. Other times, we just feel burdened. Let me tell you... I have been so burdened down with the pain and cares of the world lately. I'm responsible, or, at least, I feel responsible for my mistakes, my errors in judgement, my fuck-ups. Ohh.. I've made so many of them, and I beat myself up constantly for them. I had one of those weeks last week, and it all blew up on Saturday. (5-23)

I shut off, shut down. Went into the deep end of the (virtual) pool and stayed underwater. Not on the surface. I let Sunshine pick up the pieces. She has a knack for expressing my feelings in a calm way that I couldn't express. When she pulled me out of the pool and let me back out, I had a feeling of inner peace. Shilo apologized, and while that was nice, he also gave me the forgiveness that I needed. I've carried so much guilt and self-loathing over my error in judgement regarding Sherman/Tallship. It's affected how I interact with Shilo and Stitch, and I was just feeling that my fuck-up on that situation was causing everyone to hate me, when, in reality, it was just me hating myself, and blocking out any Love I had the potential of receiving. He told me that everyone in the household had forgiven me weeks ago, and it was time for me to let go of it. I did. The best part was that a weight was lifted.

He went on (much to my dismay) to tell me that the sub I was considering would not work out, and I told him to give it time. I figured out it was doomed before it started, but I pursued it anyway. Blame the masochist in me. Well, that time is up. The ship has sailed. I'm tired of explaining to someone why BDSM isn't Burger King.  Now, while all this was happening, I saw something on the internet that caused my heart to feel good. It was just a picture with a caption, but that little picture made me smile. I gave a quiet acknowledgement and waited.That quiet acknowledgement was received, and I was reminded again that anything worth having is worth waiting for, and that we all have guardian angels. Maybe not the kind that some Christians believe, but we all have people who do care about us, but we can't always see them. No, not stalkers either. I found out today that I had one, and it filled my heart with happiness.

For quite a long time, I tore myself apart over something (not mentioned here) that I knew full well wasn't my responsibility or my fault. Today I finally received word that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I was told the hidden part of the story. That  lifted a weight as well.

I don't know whether things have improved, but I can say that the guilt and pain I've been carrying has been tossed in the trash where it belongs, and I'm ready for a new adventure with the Ones I Love.

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