Death

In the past week, several people I call friend have died. Friend is not a title I give loosely. You earn that. Yes, there are Facebook friends, Fetlife friends, etc; but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about more than just that. People I've shared secrets with, laughed with, and cried with. People who made a difference in my life. People who never forgot that they were loved by me.


M died due to a blood clot that traveled to her brain. It was sudden, but in the days preceding her death, we (her friends) knew that she was going to die. Hard? Yes. 

Tommy started out as an online acquaintance about 15 years ago that turned into something more. In April 2010, during a cross country road trip, we finally met up. The sparks were real. I met his daughter then as well. If she hadn't been there, more might have happened, but it wasn't to be. I never considered him a "lost love" because we became facebook friends, and would call on a regular basis until my mom died. Still, Facebook kept us in touch. Even when I found out he was a Trump supporter, I kept in touch. We made plans to see each other "soon" because I just knew I'd return to Texas eventually.

An excerpt of our last online conversation is below:

Mary Price You aren't racist or hate-mongering. You just have a different opinion on things.
 

Obamacare kept my son Jonathan alive when he developed cancer. He would be dead today if it wasn't for the Affordable Care Act. Still, I accept that you have a different opinion.
 

Now stop yelling about your guns blazing and give Merry a hug. You know you want to.
 

I'm sure that everything will work out.

May 11 at 8:01am 

Tommy  (((Hugs))) love ya hun wish you didnt live so far away you love me for who I am and not for what you want me to be.A true heart you have.Im truly happy that hes doing better I remember the hell you had.Im not saying Obama Care is all bad but I shouldnt have to have 4 hundred bucks taken out of my paycheck because I dont have healthcare either.I can always just go to the VA...

May 11 at 12:23pm


Tommy was found dead in his bedroom Sunday morning (5-14) with a broken neck. All I could get out of his daughter was that it was an accident. I'm heartbroken. Tommy was always helping people, and even when his house burned down a few years ago, he helped out others. He was a giving person. I'm proud to have been his friend, and I'm grateful that I gave him "flowers" while he was living. 

I have a favor to ask: Please remember that we only walk on this earth for a limited time. We don't know when our life might end, or the lives of others. Please don't hold back your feelings. Tell people 'Thank you, I love you, I care' if you feel that way. Share those good happy feelings. Don't be full of regret when it's too late.

Merry

Well, THAT was different!

Ever since I fractured my humerus in two places (#1 halfway between the elbow and shoulder straight across. #2 The ball portion of the shoulder straight down which was tiny but more serious.) I've had issues with pain management. At first, the medication (50mg of Tramadol every 8 hours) kept my pain level to a 3, but also put me to sleep most of the time. When it hit the two week mark, my pain was at an 8 with the Tramadol, so I added 500mg of naprosyn every 8 hours as well. That meant I was up every 4 hours, taking either one or the other. That kept me at 5 for about a week, but then it shot back up to an 8. When my pain is at an 8, I can't concentrate, I'm irritable, and I cry. (probably due to depression) Horrible thoughts go through my head as well.

Several years ago, a dear (vanilla) friend got injured, and to cope with the pain, she turned to alcohol and drugs. My mind went there many times. "Take a shot or two of brandy, it won't hurt." I wasn't able to drive (I'm still not) so I would invent ways in my head to get some, but I never followed through. Still, my pain was at an 8, so I stopped taking the medication altogether for about 10 days, knowing my tolerance for the medication would decrease and it would work better. I went 10-14 days with the medication and 10 days off. Nobody should have to live like that!


Getting a frozen shoulder as a complication due to my diabetes only made things worse. I'd cry at PT, and spend the next 48 hours in my recliner, only getting up to use the bathroom. I used Ben Gay, heating pads, and take the pain meds. It was ineffective at best. My entire life revolves around my pain and how it affects everyone around me. I'm rarely pleasant, and it's difficult to be polite when I can't take a shower without assistance. I understand. I know it's a horrible chore to bathe me and wash my hair. I used to do that as a job in a rehab center, and later, at an AIDS hospice. I was required to bathe my patients daily, and I'm lucky if it gets done to me 3 times a week. (YUCK!!!)


Misery loves company, so I sometimes vent on my status update. I guess it was a month ago, a friend suggested I try CBD for pain management. This requires a prescription for medical marijuana in California. I haven't smoked/used marijuana in about 35 years. I sat on this and debated until about a week ago. I had a long detailed discussion with Shilo and Stitch about what this would mean, and risks associated with it for me. We agreed that the benefits outweighed the risks. My next step was to google doctors who prescribed medical marijuana. I found one that was semi-local to me, and he had good ratings. The price for a visit wasn't horribly bad, so I made plans to go on Friday. (12-16)


There were 2 other people in the waiting room when I signed in. I sat and waited about 30 minutes. I had my most recent lab work with me along with questions. Whenever I see a doctor, I expect a short exam followed by questions. I also expect to see a live person who is concerned with my well-being. Imagine my surprise when I was sat in front of a computer and talked to a doctor via Skype! I was even more shocked (appalled!) when he asked me how much pot I was currently smoking! This guy was off to bad start already. His laughing and jokes made me even more uncomfortable. He was even more surprised when I asked him about edibles ("Don't worry, the people at the dispensary will answer all your questions." WTF???!!!) I felt cheated. Is this how it's really done? He told me I'd get my blood pressure taken and that I was approved. All I could think was Well, THAT was different! Then the receptionist told me that she didn't need my blood pressure and I paid her and got my prescription that was good for one year. Honestly, I'm surprised that there aren't stricter laws for getting a prescription. Maybe I'm old school, but this was definitely hinky.


I was kind of relieved that when we got to the dispensary a few miles away it was tightly controlled. Still, she tried to sell me "flower" (fancy term for the green stuff) Again, I discussed edibles, and she showed me what they had. I bought something called Cheeba Chews on her recommendation and 2 salted caramels because it looked good. I know I only needed a little, so that was enough to last me a week.

 

My Assessment:

Seeing a doctor via Skype is just a little too weird for me. He was unprofessional, and I doubt I would ever return.

The Cheeba Chews is just nasty tasting, but it's effective. I won't buy it anymore.

I like the salted caramel, and I only need half of one to be pain free for most of the day.

I think I'd rather stick to buying small edibles vs. the large ones (cookies, brownies, crispy bars)

The dispensary is almost too overwhelming for me.

I really think I need someone who is more experienced to assist me in picking out edibles that isn't an employee of the dispensary because there are too many choices.

ADDENDUM:

No, I will not name the doctor or the dispensary.

I'm On The Hunt

The natives are restless, I'm restless, can't sleep. Longing, desiring, wanting something, someone who can feed my inner hunger.

WAIT! I hear you yell. “Aren't you satisfied, happy with what you have?” I stop to consider the question.

My reply:

I'm very happy, but they deserve a rest sometimes, and I'm capable of so much more, and I want to share what I have. I want to paddle someone's ass to a pink perfection while Shilo observes contentedly, and Stitch fetches water for me. I want to feel the raw energy of someone enraptured with my eyes and attentiveness. I want to feel a body drenched with satisfaction and endorphins caused by my actions. I need to feel useful.

I've spent 6 months in a shell, in survival mode because of things going on in my Family and Household. I'm like an animal that has spent time in hibernation and has awakened, hungry and desiring what I've gone so long without. I've crawled through a long dark tunnel, and I can feel the
warmth of the sun, and I smell flowers and promises in the wind. I hear water, a brook, perhaps? rushing nearby. I'm ready for it!

Like a Warrior in a time of Peace, I know that this moment isn't promised forever. I want to celebrate the victory while I can, because I know all too well that it can be a fleeting thing, and I want to feel refreshed for when the enemy attacks, but I hold on to the hope that it won't happen.

Times like now when all is well with my world is what keeps me going when I'm in the trenches, when I am hibernating, when I am barely surviving. It gives me something to look back on, something to look forward to.

I've thinned out and my eyes are a bit hollow as a result of what I've been through, but I am still strong, and I want to share, so please allow me to hunt, to share, to laugh, and celebrate. And, if you are desirous of my offerings, come to me, and I will share. Isn't that what Community is all about?

Being The Flower

To those of you who celebrate Easter I hope it's happy. To the rest of you, I hope you're having a wonderful Spring day. I wrote the following as my Facebook status:

Sometimes you just have to ignore the rubble in your surroundings and notice that there's a flower growing right in front of you. It doesn't see the destruction. All it cares about is the sun's warmth. Today I want to be the flower.

I've been through a most difficult 6 months. The only reason(s) I'm not lost is because I have wonderful people who care, and I have Faith in God. (Sermon over)  Battling the darkness and depression has often been a second by second thing. Sometimes I win, but others (many more) I've lost. It's so much more than Jonathan's cancer. My long-term Therapist/Psychiatrist retired in January, and my closest female friend moved on to bigger and better things (a high paying job) in September.  Yes, I'm happy for them, but my happiness for them isn't enough. Those are just a tiny part of what has brought me down, but this journal entry isn't intended to be a pity party.

I have difficulty in admitting my weakness and asking for what I need. Fortunately, there are people who know that the more I push away, the more I need whatever it is. I have friends (and I don't use that term lightly) who have only known me since all these changes took place. They don't realize how happy/crazy/unedited I can be. Well, today I'm gonna be that flower. It's not going to be easy. I've been working on being that flower for the past few weeks, and I've failed miserably. Still, today is a new day, and I have managed to expand my horizons a little bit. I'm focusing on those things.

Today I am a flower. I am The Flower.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORA9pzKDgbs