I'm not even sure I want to write about this, but my uneasiness won't allow me to sleep.
Something isn't right, and it's not something I can fix. I really wish that I could point at it and say "Begone!" or some such nonsense like that, but it just doesn't work that way.
ALL of my most intimate relationships are based on trust and honesty, and I'm starting to feel that while there isn't a lie, there is an omission of truth, and that I'm being kept in the dark about things, but it's not something I can point at.
It's like sitting in a movie theater where you know that there's a bad guy hiding behind the curtain, but the person onscreen has no idea, and you want to shout "RUN!!" as loud as you can in hopes that the person onscreen hears you and gets safely away before they are captured.
It's just not right, and there's a web of lies and half-truths being told to others, and you're helpless and watching, and feeling like a part of you is suffocating and dying slowly.
I really want to maintain an open mind and trust, but I can't, and how do I say STOP!!! without sounding crazy, or jealous or both?
I question whether this is a test of my resolve and trust, or if I'm just waiting for the inevitable death of the person onscreen.
In case anyone missed it, we were approved for a lovely
apartment in Long Beach about 4 miles from where we currently live. We
picked up the keys yesterday afternoon. Then the reality hit me. We
don't own any large appliances or furniture other than our beds and TV
sets. In the next paragraph, you'll find my report:
ON SHOPPING LIST:
Sofa-Bought at IKEA
Futon-Bought at IKEA
Stove/oven-Bought at Sears
Washer-Bought at Sears
Dryer-Bought at OOPS! Not bought!
Silly me! it turns out we need a GAS dryer, and I was about to buy an electric!
Everything gets delivered on Thursday. Well, except the dryer for now, because I have to do research first.
In other news New cable company installs on Sunday (8 days from now)
OF NOTE:
The Futon was on sale for $90! (reg price $250) and, In fact, I bought EVERYTHING on sale!
On the other hand, my to do list is HUGE!
I
can no longer live my life the way others would want me or expect me to
be. Life has ripped the last veil. Stare if you must, laugh even, but
it won't change who I am.
Some will have pity and leave. There will be a few who will come and
kick me and rip me to shreds, whether for their own enjoyment, or the
enjoyment of others. Others, the ones who are truly able to Love me will
stay, and sit by me, or even tend to my wounds. Not because of who I
am, but because of who they are. Staying by
someone when they have nothing left, when their veils have been ripped,
their protective shell broken, and all you see is a wounded soft
underbelly is Honorable. Loving them is doubly so. I'm still not sure
what hurts more. Being the wounded, or caring for the wounded. I know
the rewards of both, but I've only experienced one until now. Being on
the other side is uncharted territory, and showing my wounds, as ugly as
they are, and knowing I'm powerless to heal myself without the time and
patience of others has been humbling.
I'd like to think that in spite of the mess I must be, I'm in the
healing stage. It doesn't stop people from kicking me or cutting me, but
I'm no longer crying for mercy when they do it. I'm feeling defiant,
not fighting them, but wondering out loud if that's the best they can
do. Goading them on. I see them for who they really are. Bullies. Not
Sadists. A Sadist will cut me and give me time to heal, or will at least
check on me before making the next cut. Bullies kick and cut without
rhyme or reason, and don't care if you'll be around. They don't tend to
wounds. A Sadist will be patient. Tending to my wounds because it's
become a game. I respect that. A Sadist won't purposely kill you. The
aim of the bully is to be the victor. "I killed (person)" or "Look how
powerful I am. I won."
Did someone call me a self-serving masochist? Really???!!! Like anyone would gleefully be exposed, beaten down to nothing, and left to die willingly? No. That is not
masochism, that is insanity! My defiance isn't masochism, and even
though it might appear to be insanity, I know that in order for me to
get strong again, I will have to push myself. Go beyond what I feel I
can handle in order to stand on my own, or in this case, stand with the
Ones who Love me, who are Honorable, and who understand that this ugly
wounded mess is a Warrior, and will be a Warrior once again.
I could have suffered in silence and gone into hiding when I saw the
writing on the wall. We've all done that. I've done that, but you reach a
point in your life where you can't keep running and hiding. When you
realize that talking about your pain and maybe even showing it's ugly
side will finally heal you. When you're exposed and crushed and crawling in the dirt that's become mud from all the blood you've shed.
God knows I've suffered losses in every part of my life. I've fought
the demons of Fear and Insecurity, and in spite of all that, I never
gave up, but sometimes you have to stop and breathe. I didn't give up.
Listen, did you hear that? I'm breathing.
Touch me. Did you feel that? It's my heart beating.
My eyes are open. Do you know what I see? I didn't think so. Only the
blind run and hide. I'm not blind anymore. I see things as they are.
Yes, I'm a mess, but I see that light at the end of the tunnel, and this
time, I'm pretty sure it's someone else with a flashlight and not a
train getting ready to run me down.
If you are offended by Religion (in general) what happens to a body
when someone dies, terrorists (in general). Love or loss of body
function, please leave now. I got nothing for you.
It was bound to happen eventually. Using edibles for pain requires
trial and error. My morning routine of starting with breakfast and a
sour strawberry straw was only working until about 3PM, and then I would
eat a cola bottle to get me through the rest of the day, and it wasn't
quite working. I was debating this yesterday when I woke up. I figured
I'd see how I did with two sour strawberry straws (about 36mg) and go
from there.
I got my edible bag (a purse that has my edibles in it) and noticed a
caramel fudge that was 35 mg. I decided to eat it. I mean, what harm
could there be? I put the sour strawberry straws away, and ate the
caramel fudge instead. It tasted good. I played games on my phone
waiting for it to work.
About an hour later, it happened. My vision got blurry, my body got
warm, and my face was numb. The warmth kept washing over me, and my
heartbeat skyrocketed. I thought I was going to die. I know
that I'd have to consume more than I could possibly eat to actually
overdose, and even then, it wouldn't kill me. I even knew it at that
point, but my heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid.
I remember saying that I didn't want to die yet because I want to see
my (overdue) grandson first. I put on my CPAP to help me breathe, and
then I asked Shilo what would happen if I stopped breathing. Then I said
"Nevermind, my lungs will just fill with air and then explode in my
chest cavity." Then I went on about how when I died my mouth would pop
open, so the air would rush out through it, and how it was a good thing I
had on a diaper because I didn't want to piss and shit on the recliner
and ruin it.
Then the inquisition started. The best way to explain it was that
questions formed in my head about my life, and I had to answer out loud.
I said That I believe in God, and I explained my belief regarding The
Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I explained that I also believe that Satan
is as real as God is, and that I believe in Heaven and hell. I asked
about purgatory, and I said that I feel earth is purgatory, but I wasn't
sure. I didn't get an answer.
I was asked about love. Could I feel enough love for everyone? Could I
really forgive everyone, and find love in my heart for them? I found
the forgiveness for everyone, including myself. Then I told them that
since my Mom could do it, I could too. I even went on to say that I knew
(person) asked forgiveness for the mean way she acted towards me, so I
could forgive her and love her as well. I said that everyone who died
before me had gone through this, and I knew it was the only right thing
to do. I let go of my anger.
I saw where I held certain people to a standard that I have only
recently reached myself. How dare I be angry at Jonathan's (now-ex)
girlfriend for what she did, when I've done things I'm not proud of
either? I remembered all the things I did and I explained why I did
them, and how I could have handled it better.
I discussed that I realized how fortunate I was to be where I am.
Soldiers aren't gunning down people in the street, and we aren't being
bombed. Girls aren't being forced to marry and have kids before they're
12.
I asked Shilo what time it was, and was surprised it had only been 10 minutes. It felt like HOURS.
I went back to the inquisition. I said "God knows I'm not perfect." and
then I laughed, because for all I knew, it was God asking the
questions.
I talked about my mental health, and how I hated being treated like I
was fragile just because of the depression, PTSD et.al. I hate that
there is a stigma. Why not just accept the mental illness? See the whole
person. Don't be afraid.
I talked about my fears. I realized I was less afraid by telling my
fears. It got to the point I laughed after saying the words "I'm
afraid." The truth is that because I believe on God, God watches over
me, so I don't have to be afraid.
I talked about prayer and I explained that I felt it must be like being an "A list" celebrity. Everyone
wants a piece of you. You have no privacy. All the millions of
requests coming in at once. Why should I bother God with my concerns
when there are so many people who are suffering more than me?
I was reminded that I need to stop being so selfish. "See the big picture, think globally." How do my actions affect others?
I talked about Osama bin Ladin,terrorists, ISIS, and people in other
hate groups. How we all had different world views and that just because I
viewed him as a horrible human being (just like Hitler) it didn't mean
that everyone saw him like that. Surely, someone must have loved and
admired him, and maybe even saw him as a hero. I talked about criminals
in general and how I have no sympathy for them. They deserve punishment,
but I also admitted that God is the Judge, not me.
I talked about "lizard-face" (Mohamed Atta) and how to me, he
represented all that was evil on this world. I talked about "If you see
something, say something" and how ridiculous it was. I joked about how I
doubted he would have tweeted his plans, or added it as a status on
Facebook or MySpace. I speculated that he probably only discussed it
with people who would approve. Otherwise, wouldn't his plans have been
thwarted? Never learning how to land a plane is a red flag.
I talked about romantic/sexual Love, desire, BDSM and Polyamory.
About what my love style is, and how it came to be. Things I know God
knows about me, but I was told to talk about it.
I asked about why submissive men worry so much about what they're
wearing to a dungeon when it won't even be worn that long before someone
takes it off. I never got any answers to my questions, but I got
answers about what makes me me, and I saw all the love I really do have,
and how easy forgiveness is when you know that everyone will get to go
through it. It's easy to forgive when you know they asked for
forgiveness with a pure heart, and knowing that if their heart wasn't
pure, it was up to God. What mattered at that moment was the purity of
my heart.
Sunshine came out a few times and complained that she was sick. I
went through so many feelings, but late last night when I finally felt
somewhat normal, I realized that having enough love in my heart for
everyone, and forgiving them was important. Even more important, I need
to forgive myself. Think globally. That was the message I got from my
inquisition.
On a more practical note, I learned that I need to only eat predictable things.
Healing is slow and painful, and my incessant desire to
express myself will often cause me more pain. Here are two such
instances from Facebook:
feeling amused.(12 hours ago)
Jonathan drove me to Moreno Valley yesterday (11-12) for a baby
shower. My youngest and his wife are expecting their second child around
Christmas. I'm so very happy and excited because they were considering
divorce 18 months ago. God CAN heal relationships!
My ex-husband (father of my children) was there with his GF of 5
years. Our divorce was ugly and messy. It's been 20 years now, and I'm
in a safe and happy place now. Anyway, I've moved on, and there are
times when I have to discuss things about our adult children. It's
personal, and his GF has nothing to do with it. They aren't hers. So I
gently touched him and asked for some private time. The look on his GFs
face was priceless. He was furious that I bothered him. He wouldn't even
sit down with me, even when I told him the situation, but his face
softened with concern, and I think I got through to him.
His GF was gone when we returned. It turns out that Jonathan took her
out the door because she was saying nasty things about me, and she
thinks that I'm trying to steal him back!!! That made me laugh because I
have a wonderful husband (Shilo) that is easily twice the man he ever
was, and Stitch as well. Counting my blessings that I'm not delusional.
AND:
feeling angry and disappointed with people. (9 hours ago) FRIEND'S FB STATUS: Wow to many people obsessed with
Politics and being right, no longer can come on facebook to find
uplifting and inspiring messages just people feeding off the medias spin
on Politics and loving the division of sides we now have, sad when you
see so many families divided no longer is family the ties that bind, its
all about the fight of who is right.
MY REPLY: I have pretty much stopped. Obama can't
have a third term, and Trump beat Clinton according to the electoral
college even though Clinton got the popular vote. There's nothing left
to say. I've switched over to thinking about Thanksgiving and the
upcoming birth of my first grandson.
NOW HEAR THIS:
I'm rather proud of the fact that in spite of differing opinions,
etc; I haven't unfriended ANYONE due to their political belief since
Obama was re-elected in 2012. I've politely stated my opinion, but
avoided raising hell over any of the candidates. As I stated many times,
I watched EVERY debate, Republican and Democrat. I listened to
interviews with Third Party candidates and I feel I made an informed
decision. It's been 5 days since Donald Trump won by electoral college
standards. I believe this is a travesty. Some people might look at me
and say that I'm a "sore loser" or maybe even "butthurt" but it's not
that at all.
I have standards and values. Most of them are conservative, but I
also believe in "live and let live" and I'm not going to preach or tell
you you're wrong. After all, we each have our own journey. We've all
done things we aren't proud of. I believe that Public Figures,
especially Politicians, should be held to a higher standard. After all,
children look up to them, especially the President.
Donald Trump is NOT someone that all children can can look up to. He
has 5 children from three different women. He's cheated on them, and
acts like it was nothing. What ever happened to Family Values? He's used
foul language during debates. How is that an example to our children
and grandchildren? He's also said some raunchy things, been accused (NOT
convicted) of sexual harassment, and even rape, and he says it was all
"locker room talk."
Let me make this clear: I don't give a rat's patoot what Donald
Trump, the private citizen, says or does, but he CHOSE to run for
President, so it's fair game for me to bring those things up. It's the
higher standards I brought up earlier. He opened himself up to
criticism.
Even those things are small potatoes compared to his outright racism
and sexism. Being endorsed by the KKK is shameful in this day and age.
I've had enough. Starting now, today, I will no longer sit quietly
and put up with people who praise Donald Trump. It's not about his
political party, it's about how far from the traditional values of the
Republican Party he has gone. It's about my morals and values and how he
has said and done things that cause me to shudder.
If you voted for or support Donald Trump, I give you three choices:
1. Stop your political posts NOW!
2. Make your Trump-supporting political posts hidden from me. (Choose "Custom" and then enter my name is the "hide from" area)
OR choose to take the cowards way out and
3. Unfriend me.
It's that simple. I think I know my real friends well enough that
they will choose options one or two, because if you choose three, it
only proves to me that you have no moral compass.
But be patient with me. I went to a munch last night (Wednesday) with
Shilo, and I put us/him at a table full of women because I really like
(love?) one in particular, and I rarely see her, and I wanted to get to
know another one who had an interesting purse. We talked about all sorts
of things that women talk about, and I also did lots of listening as
well. But what I didn't do was tell any of them what has me particularly
happy.
In the past nine months, I've learned so much. Not to take things for
granted is a big one. I've also learned how fragile life and Love is,
and I've experienced firsthand how a disaster can bring people together
and rekindle good will and heal relationships. I learned what a great
support system I have, and how much I miss my kinky friends and
attending parties, but I also learned that it can be difficult to
reconnect after being away so long.
I spend lots of time being cautiously optimistic. I've spent many
nights wide awake and crying alone while Shilo was at work. I've held
back on horrible news, shared bad news and good news, and spent more
hours at various hospitals and City of Hope than I could have ever
imagined. Besides dealing with Jonathan's cancer, my Mentor (Daddy W) went through
a triple bypass, many misdiagnosed health issues (some of which nearly
killed him) and he had his other leg amputated. Yet, here I am, still hanging on.
We all like good news, don't we? Well, I took Daddy W to the
Pasadena munch last week. It was his first kink outing in a while, and
he is still adjusting to the changes, but he's got such a great attitude
that it just rubs off on everyone else. It still unnerves me that I
nearly lost him.
Then there's Jonathan. My son. It's hard to explain my Love for him
Maybe it's because the labor and delivery was easy (and quick!) and that
he was a happy baby that never cried unless he was hungry or needed a
diaper change. Don't get me wrong, he's become a stubborn and
opinionated young man (wonder where he got that
from?) and we occasionally butt heads, but his attitude concerning the
cancer has been upbeat even on those times he was knocking on death's
door.
Even now, he's battling graft vs, host disease and norovirus. He's
been on steroids, he's still losing weight, and sometimes the pain is
unbearable but he still smiles and jokes around. He's been seeing the
Oncologist twice a week since he was released from the hospital in early
April after his transplant and on Tuesday he was informed that he would
only need to come in once a week. His blood levels that were too low
are rising on their own, and his liver, kidneys, and thyroid are all
testing normal. Jonathan is also being weaned off his anti-rejection
drugs. That bothers me a little bit because his graft vs. host could get
worse, but still, I'm remaining cautiously optimistic. Oh, and while
all that is going on, I guess I should probably mention the results of
his last bone marrow biopsy. The test came back Negative. He is now
officially cancer-free!
::happydance::
That's right, folks! NO CANCER!!!
Now pardon me while I celebrate a little more.
To those of you who celebrate Easter I hope it's happy. To the rest of you, I hope you're having a wonderful Spring day. I wrote the following as my Facebook status:
Sometimes you just have to ignore the rubble in your surroundings and notice that there's a flower growing right in front of you. It doesn't see the destruction. All it cares about is the sun's warmth. Today I want to be the flower.
I've been through a most difficult 6 months. The only reason(s) I'm not lost is because I have wonderful people who care, and I have Faith in God. (Sermon over) Battling the darkness and depression has often been a second by second thing. Sometimes I win, but others (many more) I've lost. It's so much more than Jonathan's cancer. My long-term Therapist/Psychiatrist retired in January, and my closest female friend moved on to bigger and better things (a high paying job) in September. Yes, I'm happy for them, but my happiness for them isn't enough. Those are just a tiny part of what has brought me down, but this journal entry isn't intended to be a pity party.
I have difficulty in admitting my weakness and asking for what I need. Fortunately, there are people who know that the more I push away, the more I need whatever it is. I have friends (and I don't use that term lightly) who have only known me since all these changes took place. They don't realize how happy/crazy/unedited I can be. Well, today I'm gonna be that flower. It's not going to be easy. I've been working on being that flower for the past few weeks, and I've failed miserably. Still, today is a new day, and I have managed to expand my horizons a little bit. I'm focusing on those things.
